"Ricky Nelson: I got a couple of eggs here, Pop. You want 'em?
Ozzie Nelson: Are they fried or scrambled?
Ricky Nelson: Burnt."

Harriet:
Is something wrong, dear?

Ozzie:
[annoyed] What do you mean - is something wrong?

Harriet:
Well, it's just that you started off this morning in such high spirit. What happened? Is it something I've done?

Ozzie:
[more annoyed] Well, no, of course not! What's the matter with everybody today? I go around doing my best to be cheerful, and everybody I meet has a chip on his shoulder! Harriet, where'd you get that picture on he wall? That horrible face!

Harriet:
[turns to look] That isn't a picture, dear, that's you. I moved the mirror.

Rick: Tell me this - does June make a big scene every time you take your wedding ring off?

Dave: No - but that's probably because I never take it off.

Rick: I don't see how you can help it. I guess it's just that I haven't gotten used to wearing it, yet. How'd you get used to it?

Dave: Well, June took care of that right from the start. She bought the ring a little too small, slipped it on my finger, and then started fatting me up.

Wally: Yeah, me too. I can understand why she'd turn you down, but why wouldn't she want to go out with a handsome, debonair fellow like me?