Vanessa Baxter: Uh, Eve, what happened to your lip?
Eve Baxter: Oh, uh, I got into a little scrap with Richie Hayden.
Vanessa Baxter: What?
Eve Baxter: Yeah, um, I know as a joke people like to say how you should see the other guy, but seriously, you should see the other guy.

[first lines]
Eve Baxter: Morning, Baxters.
Mike Baxter: Morning.
Vanessa Baxter: Hey, honey, how'd you sleep?
Eve Baxter: Sleep? Who could sleep with this crushing national debt hanging over our heads?
Vanessa Baxter: Wow! It's so you're just becoming the same person.
Mike Baxter: Great, isn't it?

Kristin Baxter: Hey. Low speed limits and stop signs make streets safer.

Mike Baxter: I know. If we all went zero miles per hour, there'd be zero accidents. GDP would be zero, but we'd have zero accidents.

Vanessa Baxter: So the DPD is hurting the GDP? Try saying *that* ten times fast.

(Mandy wearing a tight red dress & high heels)
Mike: "Wow! Whoa!"
Vanessa: "Hey, hey. Where are you goin' dressed like that?"
Mandy: "Oh, I have a paper due and I didn't quite write it."
Mike: "So why... why are you dressed like *that*?"
Mandy: "I need the professor to give me an extension or, if he *really* likes the dress, an A."

Vanessa Baxter: You know what, honey, Hillary Clinton was a Goldwater girl in 1964.

Mike Baxter: So. Satan used to work for God. What's your point?

Mike: "Hey Kyle, do you have a Man Cave?"
Kyle: "My van. One place where people aren't all up in my business. You have no idea how tiring it is. Kyle, do this. Kyle, do that. Kyle, for God's sake, get your act together."
Mike: "I don't do that."
Kyle: "Your daughter does."

Mike Baxter: This is really about Eve. You know, she reposts some of these vlogs at school, and it looks like she's getting in trouble.

Ed Alzate: I know. I follow her on Facebook.

[Mike reacts with a quizzical look]

Ed Alzate: The kids have been pretty hard on her, especially Mandy.

Vanessa Baxter: You know what, honey, Hillary Clinton was a Goldwater girl in 1964.

Mike Baxter: So. Satan used to work for God. What's your point?
I love this one. :D :D :D

God bless you always!!! :) :) :)

Holly

Vanessa Baxter: That cop pulled me over today and gave me a ticket.

Mike Baxter: I told ya to stay off Cedar, babe.

Vanessa Baxter: No, he's movin' around. He was on Hudson, today.

Mike Baxter: Hudson? That's under construction. Double the fine. Smart cop.

Vanessa Baxter: Oh, I don't care about the fine...

Mike Baxter: *I* care about the fine.

Vanessa Baxter: It's just... I've always been able to... you know...

[tosses her hair]

Mike Baxter: Come on, honey, with your knockers, you go with the *hair*?

Mike Baxter: Have we met before?
Helen Potts: You do look vaguely familiar.
Mike Baxter: Yeah. Is this your, uh, tile saw? It's a nice one.
Helen Potts: You like tools?
Mike Baxter: Not as much as I used to. So, other than making a lot of noise, what are you what are you doing out here?
Helen Potts: Ugh, I got a million things to fix around the house. My idiot husband thought he was quite the handyman, but mostly, he just set stuff on fire, blew things up, and complained about my cooking.
Mike Baxter: Sounds like a fun Tuesday night.
Helen Potts: You should try putting up with him for eight years. Eight long years.
Mike Baxter: The thing is, this saw is making a lot of noise, and it's bothering the dog next door, who's barking and keeping everybody awake. Is there a way you could just start the sawing a little later in the morning?
Helen Potts: Sorry, I do my best work in the morning.
Mike Baxter: I used to get my best sleep in the morning.
Chuck Larabee: [peeking over fence] Hi-dee-ho there, Baxter.
Mike Baxter: Hey, Larabee.
Chuck Larabee: Doesn't sound like you're doing much better with Helen than I did. I told you she was a tough one.
Mike Baxter: Yeah. Do you have something else on besides that hat?
Chuck Larabee: Maybe it's time for a different approach. You know, Mike, this reminds me of the ancient Aztecs. Whenever they had trouble with a neighboring tribe, very often...

Mike: "Why can't every day be Thanksgiving?"

She didn't have to do her homework inside a car outside a Jolly Jack's.

- Mike

Mike: "Said every child ever!"

Let's be honest, if nobody's talking, then nobody's listening. If nobody's listening, nobody's learning.
— Mike Baxter