Frank Gannucci
07-20-2018, 07:41 AM
Honeymooners Box Set Reviews: New Featurettes (Part 2) & Script of “Easter Hats”:
All About Trixie: Joyce Randolph Interview.
The interview begins with a clip of Jackie on Cavalcade. Joyce: “Jackie had a show. Cavalcade of Stars on DuMont which was on channel 5 in New York.” The station is now WNYW and is owned and operated by Fox. Joyce is shown on camera. She still had red hair at the time of this interview. (It has now changed color. I will give you three guesses as to what color it is.) She recalls her auditioning for the role of Trixie. She can’t remember her first little scene that she had with Jackie. She remembers her agent Joe Case as far as having her get the part on the Honeymooners. Joe explained to her the storyline of the show which we all know. Jackie wanted Joyce Randloph for Trixie. According to Joyce, he said: “Get me that serious actress.” Jackie forgot her name. A clip of her Honeymooners debut on the episode entitled “Ring Salesman” were shown. Jackie realized that the Honeymooners was becoming the most important part of the variety show. A clip of the ’51 version Honeymooners Xmas Party was shown when Trixie says what Ed gave to her for Christmas. Joyce says that she was pleased when Audrey came on board in 1952 because she had already knew her. She recalls that she met her on a train from New York to Louisville and the train got stuck. She always got along with Audrey. A clip of “Cold” episode is shown.
Joyce said that they went in and did the show. No one got told of the background of the characters. Joyce: “You could almost go in and play yourself.” She can’t recall why her character’s name was Trixie but it was hinted several times that her character might have been in burlesque (much like Joyce). A clip of “Songs & Witty Sayings” is shown in which Trixie says: “Are you referring that I was in burlesque?” Joyce: “I often said that my favorite episodes were episodes that I had more than five or six lines and can stand out there for a long time.” She recalls the courtroom scene in “Kramden Vs. Norton.” The courtroom clip is shown. Joyce: “I don’t know if anybody else has it. I hope we found it.” Obviously, she didn’t watched the episode on home video in any fashion or on the Internet. (The scene is mostly edited if you watch it on TV.) Joyce: “I think that anybody has heard that we didn’t rehearse much because Jackie didn’t believe in a lot of rehearsing. He thought that things should be more spontaneous and didn’t like things that were over-rehearsed because it’s not funny. I guess he was right because we have lasted all these years.” Joyce said that the scripts were brought to their apartments on Thursday. They all reported to the office on Friday. They did a run-through with Jack Hurdle who took Jackie’s place. They never saw Jackie until it was almost show time. They got the changes that Jackie made to the script. They would all go to their homes and learn it. They reported to the office on Saturday at 11am. After rehearsing, they went on live at 8p. A clip of the 1953 version of “Vacation At Fred’s Landing” is shown. Joyce said that since comedy writing, an idea would be reworked as much as a few times with minor changes. She is referring to Jackie Gleason making more than one version of Honeymooners episodes. Now a clip of the ’54 version of “Vacation At Fred’s Landing” is shown. It’s the same dialogue as the other clip.
Joyce: “Audrey was very clever. She had long scenes with Jackie. She memorized everything.” I think that is why she was given the nickname “The Rock.” Joyce: “If something went wrong, Jackie said ad-lib in character. That is what happened when he worked with Art.” A clip of Jackie trying to button his open fly from “Hot Tips” is shown. Ralph: “You know something? There comes a time when a man may need a lucky jacket like that.” Joyce remembers the fact that fat jokes were a part of the show. A clip of “Ralph’s Diet” is shown where Alice says: “Look at the stomach.” Ralph: “That is my stomach.” Alice: “What is it?” Ralph: “It happens to be a very low chest.” Joyce: “He did go on diets at times but he was funnier when he was fat.” A clip from the Raccoons having dessert from “A Weighty Problem” is shown. Joyce remembers the times that George Petrie was on the show and that he played a bunch of different characters and changed his appearance at times. Joyce said that Jackie knew that George was very fast with a comeback and that he could pick things from the script and correct it perhaps. He could also ad-lib. Jackie wanted that guy on the show. A clip of “Ralph’s Sweet Tooth” is shown as well as “Brother-In-Law.”
Joyce: “We worked in front of an audience so that affected our delivery. We had to wait for laughs. I don’t think we had that many laughs in my parts. I had a few. Audrey usually has to set up the plot in the beginning of the show.” A clip of Alice & Trixie rehearsing from “Suspense” is shown. Joyce: “We would try to make it as interesting as possible. Jackie would come on and I would leave.” A clip of “Cupid” is shown. The part that begins when Trixie leaves just before Ralph comes in with flowers. Joyce says that the Jackie Gleason show in ’52 was a wonderful show with all the dancers and everything. Once and a while, a guest. Once and a while, a singer. The Honeymooners back then were only like eight minutes. Then it got longer and longer because the audience demanded it. In ’55, Buick asked CBS to have our own show. We did it in the old, now demolished, Adelphi theater in New York. We filmed; I used the term filmed loosely because we were live.” A picture of the Raccoon lodge scene from “Something Fishy” is shown. We did the show very quickly. One on Tuesday and one on Friday every week.” Wow! I always thought they did one show weekly throughout the TV season. Joyce: “It was tough on Jackie, Art & Audrey but it was very popular.” It was? I always thought that the show was a bomb in the ratings when they first aired. Joyce: “Buick wanted another season. Jackie said no. We don’t have enough good scripts. We are going back to our own variety show.” A clip of Jack Lescoulie is shown introducing us to the Honeymooners musical sketch “Curse of The Kramdens” is shown.
Joyce said that the musical numbers that they did in the ’56-’57 season were great fun. A clip of them singing from “Curse of The Kramdens” is shown. Joyce: “We had original songs to learn. It was great. It was exciting. We were ‘visiting’ all these countries. Joyce: “I think that Jackie was tired of doing the Honeymooners and wanted to be a movie star which he did become but it was to get new scripts that were funny enough. That’s why he ended it in 1957. It was sad. But as we know now, it went on and on and on due to reruns and modern technology which makes me very happy too. A clip of the girls playing pool from “Kramden Vs. Norton” is shown. Joyce: “We couldn’t see ourselves performing at first but years later, it was a revelation when we could. I certainly enjoyed it. By this time, I had a husband and a son who enjoyed it so that was some of my fondest memories. A clip of Jackie introducing the cast at the end of one of the Jackie Gleason shows is shown. It’s the one that had “Kramden Vs. Norton”. (I can tell by the attire that the actors wore.) That’s the end. The only disappointment about the interview was that Joyce didn’t talk about Art Carney too much. I was expecting her too due to what I read beforehand. Oh well.
Episode #15/46
TV. VHS, DVD: Still lost. The script is attached to “The Norton Interviews”, Radio versions of “Letter To The Boss” & “Love Letter”, “Additional Sketches & Commercials”, “Lost Episodes Story”, script to “Alice’s Birthday” & “All About Trixie: Joyce Randolph Interview.”
Air Dates: Sat. 4/11/52 for episode #15 & Sat. 4/4/53 for episode #46
Thanks to ChrisTV of sitcomsonline.com for posting the script of the later version of this episode. I am assuming that it isn't one and the same as far as lines go but here it is.
(This episode was done twice but this is the script for the latter version [the earlier version was episode #15]. Also MPI, for whatever reason, states this episode as episode #44. Why? Who knows.)
"THE HONEYMOONERS"
"EASTER HATS"
Announcer
And now it's time for another visit with two of your favorite characters, Ralph and Alice Kramden, better known to you as "The Honeymooners".. You know there's an old saying goes "In the spring a young mans fancy turns to thoughts of love"… However a woman's fancy turns to thoughts of spring cleaning… So let’s look in on the Kramden household as Alice is in the midst of her spring cleaning.
[As travelers part camera holds on an establishing shot of the "Kramden Kitchen". The stage is dark for a split then Alice emerges from bedroom. She is wearing a kerchief around her head, and is carrying a broom in one hand and carrying curtains in the other. She sets broom against wall and crosses to stove where a large pot of water is boiling. Trixie enters.]
Alice
Hello Trixie.
Trixie
H'ya Alice. You almost done with your cleaning?
Alice
Yeah, and am I dead. I cleaned the whole house to-day, everything. And just my luck, some vacuum cleaner salesman will come around tomorrow to demonstrate….. Will you lift the lid off that pot, Trixie?
[She lifts lid.]
Trixie
Sure, what are you doing?
Alice
I'm going to boil these bedroom curtains, they're filthy.
[Alice sticks curtains in pot.]
Are you done with your cleaning Trix?
Trixie
Yeah, and was my place dirty. When I finished cleaning I found two new rooms!... I'm so tired I'm going to sleep right after dinner.
Alice
I wish I could do that but when Ralph gets home we're going to color some eggs. I'm going to give them out to the kids in the building for Easter.
Trixie
Gee, that's real thoughtful, Alice.
Alice
Say, Trix will you help me get the mattress back on the bed?
Trixie
Sure.
[As Trixie and Alice enter bedroom. Ralph and Norton enter from street.]
Ralph
Anybody home?
Alice [From bedroom]
Be with you in a minute.
Ralph [Sniffing]
Something smells good.
[Norton sniffs too.]
Norton
Yeah.
[As Ralph crosses to the stove Norton follows him. Ralph lifts lid.]
Ralph
Looks like we're having soup to-night.
[He tastes spoonful and registers satisfaction.]
Pretty good for a girl who couldn't cook when we first got married… Norton, just taste this.
[He gives Norton a spoonful. Norton reacts indifferently.]
Norton
I think it needs a little salt.
Ralph
Yeah, a little salt and pepper wouldn't hurt it.
[As Ralph takes salt and pepper shaker from stove and starts to season contents of pot, Alice and Trixie enter from bedroom.]
Alice
Ralph, what are you doing to my curtains?
Ralph
Norton, I just added a little salt and… (Take) CUUURRTTTTAAIINNNSSS! What are you trying to do, poison me?
Norton
I'm telling you, Ralph a little more pepper and it'll be fine.
Ralph
Norton, You are a mental case.
Trixie
C'mon Ed, I'll give you your dinner.
[As Trixie and Norton exit]
Norton
See you later folks.
Alice
Sit down and I'll fix you something to eat.
Ralph
I'm not hungry now. I had too much for lunch. Besides I'm aggravated.
Alice
What's wrong, Ralph?
Ralph [Walking joke]
Everything happens to me. Alice, I'm the unluckiest bus driver in New York. Look, in New York there are three million private cars… Twenty five thousand taxis… Fifteen thousand trucks and fifteen thousand busses. Now I've been driving a bus for twelve years with a clean record, and today I had my first accident…. Did I run into a private car? A bus? A taxi? A truck? No! I had to run into a police car!
Alice
Was anybody hurt?
Ralph
No, nobody was hurt, but twenty seven passengers are suing the bus company, including three guys who didn't get on till the next stop!
[Ralph reaches into his pocket, extracts packets of coloring.]
Oh, here's the coloring I got for the Easter eggs.
Alice
Did you get different colors?
Ralph
Yeah lets see I got red, green, blue, yellow and white.
[He hands packets to Alice.]
Alice [Quizzically]
White?? What can we use white for?
Ralph
I don't know, uh… maybe we can use it to color the brown eggs!
Alice
Did you stop at the store to get the decals?
[Ralph searching in his pocket.]
Ralph
Yeah.
Alice
Good. After we eat we can transfer the pictures on the eggs… Did you get the Mother Goose characters like I asked you?
Ralph
They were all out of those so I got some assorted cockamamies.
Alice
What do you mean assorted?
Ralph
Assorted that's what I mean… Give me your hand I'll show you.
Alice
What are you going to do, Ralph?
Ralph
Give me your hand.
[Ralph takes single decal, wets it on his tongue and slaps it on the back of Alice’s palm. He rubs it with the forefinger of his hand. Then lifts transfer... And exclaims as he points at picture on Alice’s hand.]
There you are… Arthur Tracey The Street Singer.
Alice
who’s the street singer?
Ralph
I don't know… but he must be somebody important if they put his picture on a cockamamie….. Did you get enough eggs, Alice?
Alice
I got six dozen. There they are.
[She points to table. Ralph picks up bill, glances at it.]
Ralph
Ninety five cents a dozen for eggs?????
Alice
That's what they cost, Ralph. A week ago these same eggs cost seventy cents a dozen.
Ralph
I can't understand it. A week ago these eggs sold for seventy cents… Now they're ninety five cents a dozen? What does the farmer do? Go into the hen house where the chickens are sitting, and say "hold it" till the prices go up?
Alice
You can't blame the farmer.
Ralph
Oh, I can't blame the farmer. I suppose it’s the chickens fault. I can see it now… The hens walking up and down in front of the farmhouse carrying picket signs reading… "We want more money… We're tired of working for chicken feed!"
Alice
What are you getting excited about?
Ralph
You could have gotten eggs for fifty cents a dozen. We're just going to color em. Not eat em.
Alice
I'm sorry, I just didn't think.
Ralph
That’s just it. You don't think. If you thought a little, a dollar bill would go a lot further around this house.
Alice
Look, Ralph, don't act like I fritter your salary away. I make every penny reach as far as possible. I couldn't even save enough out of your earnings to buy me a new hat for Easter.
Ralph
A new hat? What about the hat I bought you for your birthday?
Alice
You mean the one with all the ostrich feathers on it?
Ralph
That’s the one.
Alice
Some hat. Every time I put it on I feel like burying my head in the ground.
Ralph [Steamed]
What, are you complaining?
Alice
No. I'm not complaining. But my sister’s husband doesn't make anymore than you do, and my sisters always buying dresses, hats and shoes.
Ralph
Yeah, but your sister's husband doesn't have the expenses I do. He lives in a low rent district! And besides what are you always talking about buying clothes. What are you trying to do? Get on the list of the ten best dressed women?
Alice [Holding broom]
Yeah. I almost made it this year, but the Duchess of Windsor nosed me out!
Ralph
What are you yapping about? The last time I bought a suit it had two pair of pants and one of them was knickers!… And another thing, you know I've never owned a hat. Is that asking too much out of life to have a hat to call my own? Why even horses that pull junk wagons have hats. How do you think I feel when I walk into a restaurant and I walk by the hat check girl and I've got nothing to check? I got feelings, Alice; I'm not made out of iron.
[Alice crosses into bedroom. Ralph doesn't notice this and continues his lament.]
In the summer my heads exposed to the sun's rays. In the winter it's exposed to the cold and the snow. In the spring the rain beats on it. It's a wonder all this hasn't affected my brain… I must have a very thick skull!…
[Alice returns, places hat box on kitchen table, she strikes a pose and Ralph continues to rave.]
You know one of these nights I'm going to be coming home from work with my pay envelope in my hand and I'm going to see a hat store. I'm gonna walk right in and try on the first hat I see and buy it… And that ain't all… I'll buy myself a cap too… For my evening wear!
[He discovers Alice.]
That's what I'll do, Alice. That's what I'll do.
[He notices hat box. Opens it and extract hat.]
For me?
Alice
Yes for you. Happy Easter, Ralph.
Ralph
Gee! It's beautiful.
[He tries on hat.]
Alice
It's a little big… But I can exchange it.
Ralph
You'll do nothing of the kind. I love this hat… I'll put some newspaper in the hat and it'll fit fine. Oh, Alice, just go in the bedroom and look on top of the closet.
Alice
You don't mean you bought me a hat too.
Ralph
Just go in the bedroom and look.
[As Alice exits, Ralph completes putting newspapers into hat and puts it on. Alice enters wearing hat with hat box in hand.]
Alice
Oh, Ralph, it's gorgeous.
[Music sneaks in.]
Ralph
You look beautiful in that hat… Baby, we'll be a riot in that Easter parade…. I'm sorry about the way I hollered before… But I felt a little bad knowin' that I bought you a hat… And the price of eggs got in… I thought you were wastin' money… But it ain't your fault, Alice, I had a rough day today…..
Alice
That's okay, Ralph, I love you.
Ralph
Baby, You're the greatest.
[Blackout]
Credit I think goes to (the original) Bill's 'Mooners Archives, eBay.com, tv.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book, tvguide.com, honeymooners.net, Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD booklet, Wikipedia.org, Yahoo Groups You're A Riot! & Amazon.com.
All About Trixie: Joyce Randolph Interview.
The interview begins with a clip of Jackie on Cavalcade. Joyce: “Jackie had a show. Cavalcade of Stars on DuMont which was on channel 5 in New York.” The station is now WNYW and is owned and operated by Fox. Joyce is shown on camera. She still had red hair at the time of this interview. (It has now changed color. I will give you three guesses as to what color it is.) She recalls her auditioning for the role of Trixie. She can’t remember her first little scene that she had with Jackie. She remembers her agent Joe Case as far as having her get the part on the Honeymooners. Joe explained to her the storyline of the show which we all know. Jackie wanted Joyce Randloph for Trixie. According to Joyce, he said: “Get me that serious actress.” Jackie forgot her name. A clip of her Honeymooners debut on the episode entitled “Ring Salesman” were shown. Jackie realized that the Honeymooners was becoming the most important part of the variety show. A clip of the ’51 version Honeymooners Xmas Party was shown when Trixie says what Ed gave to her for Christmas. Joyce says that she was pleased when Audrey came on board in 1952 because she had already knew her. She recalls that she met her on a train from New York to Louisville and the train got stuck. She always got along with Audrey. A clip of “Cold” episode is shown.
Joyce said that they went in and did the show. No one got told of the background of the characters. Joyce: “You could almost go in and play yourself.” She can’t recall why her character’s name was Trixie but it was hinted several times that her character might have been in burlesque (much like Joyce). A clip of “Songs & Witty Sayings” is shown in which Trixie says: “Are you referring that I was in burlesque?” Joyce: “I often said that my favorite episodes were episodes that I had more than five or six lines and can stand out there for a long time.” She recalls the courtroom scene in “Kramden Vs. Norton.” The courtroom clip is shown. Joyce: “I don’t know if anybody else has it. I hope we found it.” Obviously, she didn’t watched the episode on home video in any fashion or on the Internet. (The scene is mostly edited if you watch it on TV.) Joyce: “I think that anybody has heard that we didn’t rehearse much because Jackie didn’t believe in a lot of rehearsing. He thought that things should be more spontaneous and didn’t like things that were over-rehearsed because it’s not funny. I guess he was right because we have lasted all these years.” Joyce said that the scripts were brought to their apartments on Thursday. They all reported to the office on Friday. They did a run-through with Jack Hurdle who took Jackie’s place. They never saw Jackie until it was almost show time. They got the changes that Jackie made to the script. They would all go to their homes and learn it. They reported to the office on Saturday at 11am. After rehearsing, they went on live at 8p. A clip of the 1953 version of “Vacation At Fred’s Landing” is shown. Joyce said that since comedy writing, an idea would be reworked as much as a few times with minor changes. She is referring to Jackie Gleason making more than one version of Honeymooners episodes. Now a clip of the ’54 version of “Vacation At Fred’s Landing” is shown. It’s the same dialogue as the other clip.
Joyce: “Audrey was very clever. She had long scenes with Jackie. She memorized everything.” I think that is why she was given the nickname “The Rock.” Joyce: “If something went wrong, Jackie said ad-lib in character. That is what happened when he worked with Art.” A clip of Jackie trying to button his open fly from “Hot Tips” is shown. Ralph: “You know something? There comes a time when a man may need a lucky jacket like that.” Joyce remembers the fact that fat jokes were a part of the show. A clip of “Ralph’s Diet” is shown where Alice says: “Look at the stomach.” Ralph: “That is my stomach.” Alice: “What is it?” Ralph: “It happens to be a very low chest.” Joyce: “He did go on diets at times but he was funnier when he was fat.” A clip from the Raccoons having dessert from “A Weighty Problem” is shown. Joyce remembers the times that George Petrie was on the show and that he played a bunch of different characters and changed his appearance at times. Joyce said that Jackie knew that George was very fast with a comeback and that he could pick things from the script and correct it perhaps. He could also ad-lib. Jackie wanted that guy on the show. A clip of “Ralph’s Sweet Tooth” is shown as well as “Brother-In-Law.”
Joyce: “We worked in front of an audience so that affected our delivery. We had to wait for laughs. I don’t think we had that many laughs in my parts. I had a few. Audrey usually has to set up the plot in the beginning of the show.” A clip of Alice & Trixie rehearsing from “Suspense” is shown. Joyce: “We would try to make it as interesting as possible. Jackie would come on and I would leave.” A clip of “Cupid” is shown. The part that begins when Trixie leaves just before Ralph comes in with flowers. Joyce says that the Jackie Gleason show in ’52 was a wonderful show with all the dancers and everything. Once and a while, a guest. Once and a while, a singer. The Honeymooners back then were only like eight minutes. Then it got longer and longer because the audience demanded it. In ’55, Buick asked CBS to have our own show. We did it in the old, now demolished, Adelphi theater in New York. We filmed; I used the term filmed loosely because we were live.” A picture of the Raccoon lodge scene from “Something Fishy” is shown. We did the show very quickly. One on Tuesday and one on Friday every week.” Wow! I always thought they did one show weekly throughout the TV season. Joyce: “It was tough on Jackie, Art & Audrey but it was very popular.” It was? I always thought that the show was a bomb in the ratings when they first aired. Joyce: “Buick wanted another season. Jackie said no. We don’t have enough good scripts. We are going back to our own variety show.” A clip of Jack Lescoulie is shown introducing us to the Honeymooners musical sketch “Curse of The Kramdens” is shown.
Joyce said that the musical numbers that they did in the ’56-’57 season were great fun. A clip of them singing from “Curse of The Kramdens” is shown. Joyce: “We had original songs to learn. It was great. It was exciting. We were ‘visiting’ all these countries. Joyce: “I think that Jackie was tired of doing the Honeymooners and wanted to be a movie star which he did become but it was to get new scripts that were funny enough. That’s why he ended it in 1957. It was sad. But as we know now, it went on and on and on due to reruns and modern technology which makes me very happy too. A clip of the girls playing pool from “Kramden Vs. Norton” is shown. Joyce: “We couldn’t see ourselves performing at first but years later, it was a revelation when we could. I certainly enjoyed it. By this time, I had a husband and a son who enjoyed it so that was some of my fondest memories. A clip of Jackie introducing the cast at the end of one of the Jackie Gleason shows is shown. It’s the one that had “Kramden Vs. Norton”. (I can tell by the attire that the actors wore.) That’s the end. The only disappointment about the interview was that Joyce didn’t talk about Art Carney too much. I was expecting her too due to what I read beforehand. Oh well.
Episode #15/46
TV. VHS, DVD: Still lost. The script is attached to “The Norton Interviews”, Radio versions of “Letter To The Boss” & “Love Letter”, “Additional Sketches & Commercials”, “Lost Episodes Story”, script to “Alice’s Birthday” & “All About Trixie: Joyce Randolph Interview.”
Air Dates: Sat. 4/11/52 for episode #15 & Sat. 4/4/53 for episode #46
Thanks to ChrisTV of sitcomsonline.com for posting the script of the later version of this episode. I am assuming that it isn't one and the same as far as lines go but here it is.
(This episode was done twice but this is the script for the latter version [the earlier version was episode #15]. Also MPI, for whatever reason, states this episode as episode #44. Why? Who knows.)
"THE HONEYMOONERS"
"EASTER HATS"
Announcer
And now it's time for another visit with two of your favorite characters, Ralph and Alice Kramden, better known to you as "The Honeymooners".. You know there's an old saying goes "In the spring a young mans fancy turns to thoughts of love"… However a woman's fancy turns to thoughts of spring cleaning… So let’s look in on the Kramden household as Alice is in the midst of her spring cleaning.
[As travelers part camera holds on an establishing shot of the "Kramden Kitchen". The stage is dark for a split then Alice emerges from bedroom. She is wearing a kerchief around her head, and is carrying a broom in one hand and carrying curtains in the other. She sets broom against wall and crosses to stove where a large pot of water is boiling. Trixie enters.]
Alice
Hello Trixie.
Trixie
H'ya Alice. You almost done with your cleaning?
Alice
Yeah, and am I dead. I cleaned the whole house to-day, everything. And just my luck, some vacuum cleaner salesman will come around tomorrow to demonstrate….. Will you lift the lid off that pot, Trixie?
[She lifts lid.]
Trixie
Sure, what are you doing?
Alice
I'm going to boil these bedroom curtains, they're filthy.
[Alice sticks curtains in pot.]
Are you done with your cleaning Trix?
Trixie
Yeah, and was my place dirty. When I finished cleaning I found two new rooms!... I'm so tired I'm going to sleep right after dinner.
Alice
I wish I could do that but when Ralph gets home we're going to color some eggs. I'm going to give them out to the kids in the building for Easter.
Trixie
Gee, that's real thoughtful, Alice.
Alice
Say, Trix will you help me get the mattress back on the bed?
Trixie
Sure.
[As Trixie and Alice enter bedroom. Ralph and Norton enter from street.]
Ralph
Anybody home?
Alice [From bedroom]
Be with you in a minute.
Ralph [Sniffing]
Something smells good.
[Norton sniffs too.]
Norton
Yeah.
[As Ralph crosses to the stove Norton follows him. Ralph lifts lid.]
Ralph
Looks like we're having soup to-night.
[He tastes spoonful and registers satisfaction.]
Pretty good for a girl who couldn't cook when we first got married… Norton, just taste this.
[He gives Norton a spoonful. Norton reacts indifferently.]
Norton
I think it needs a little salt.
Ralph
Yeah, a little salt and pepper wouldn't hurt it.
[As Ralph takes salt and pepper shaker from stove and starts to season contents of pot, Alice and Trixie enter from bedroom.]
Alice
Ralph, what are you doing to my curtains?
Ralph
Norton, I just added a little salt and… (Take) CUUURRTTTTAAIINNNSSS! What are you trying to do, poison me?
Norton
I'm telling you, Ralph a little more pepper and it'll be fine.
Ralph
Norton, You are a mental case.
Trixie
C'mon Ed, I'll give you your dinner.
[As Trixie and Norton exit]
Norton
See you later folks.
Alice
Sit down and I'll fix you something to eat.
Ralph
I'm not hungry now. I had too much for lunch. Besides I'm aggravated.
Alice
What's wrong, Ralph?
Ralph [Walking joke]
Everything happens to me. Alice, I'm the unluckiest bus driver in New York. Look, in New York there are three million private cars… Twenty five thousand taxis… Fifteen thousand trucks and fifteen thousand busses. Now I've been driving a bus for twelve years with a clean record, and today I had my first accident…. Did I run into a private car? A bus? A taxi? A truck? No! I had to run into a police car!
Alice
Was anybody hurt?
Ralph
No, nobody was hurt, but twenty seven passengers are suing the bus company, including three guys who didn't get on till the next stop!
[Ralph reaches into his pocket, extracts packets of coloring.]
Oh, here's the coloring I got for the Easter eggs.
Alice
Did you get different colors?
Ralph
Yeah lets see I got red, green, blue, yellow and white.
[He hands packets to Alice.]
Alice [Quizzically]
White?? What can we use white for?
Ralph
I don't know, uh… maybe we can use it to color the brown eggs!
Alice
Did you stop at the store to get the decals?
[Ralph searching in his pocket.]
Ralph
Yeah.
Alice
Good. After we eat we can transfer the pictures on the eggs… Did you get the Mother Goose characters like I asked you?
Ralph
They were all out of those so I got some assorted cockamamies.
Alice
What do you mean assorted?
Ralph
Assorted that's what I mean… Give me your hand I'll show you.
Alice
What are you going to do, Ralph?
Ralph
Give me your hand.
[Ralph takes single decal, wets it on his tongue and slaps it on the back of Alice’s palm. He rubs it with the forefinger of his hand. Then lifts transfer... And exclaims as he points at picture on Alice’s hand.]
There you are… Arthur Tracey The Street Singer.
Alice
who’s the street singer?
Ralph
I don't know… but he must be somebody important if they put his picture on a cockamamie….. Did you get enough eggs, Alice?
Alice
I got six dozen. There they are.
[She points to table. Ralph picks up bill, glances at it.]
Ralph
Ninety five cents a dozen for eggs?????
Alice
That's what they cost, Ralph. A week ago these same eggs cost seventy cents a dozen.
Ralph
I can't understand it. A week ago these eggs sold for seventy cents… Now they're ninety five cents a dozen? What does the farmer do? Go into the hen house where the chickens are sitting, and say "hold it" till the prices go up?
Alice
You can't blame the farmer.
Ralph
Oh, I can't blame the farmer. I suppose it’s the chickens fault. I can see it now… The hens walking up and down in front of the farmhouse carrying picket signs reading… "We want more money… We're tired of working for chicken feed!"
Alice
What are you getting excited about?
Ralph
You could have gotten eggs for fifty cents a dozen. We're just going to color em. Not eat em.
Alice
I'm sorry, I just didn't think.
Ralph
That’s just it. You don't think. If you thought a little, a dollar bill would go a lot further around this house.
Alice
Look, Ralph, don't act like I fritter your salary away. I make every penny reach as far as possible. I couldn't even save enough out of your earnings to buy me a new hat for Easter.
Ralph
A new hat? What about the hat I bought you for your birthday?
Alice
You mean the one with all the ostrich feathers on it?
Ralph
That’s the one.
Alice
Some hat. Every time I put it on I feel like burying my head in the ground.
Ralph [Steamed]
What, are you complaining?
Alice
No. I'm not complaining. But my sister’s husband doesn't make anymore than you do, and my sisters always buying dresses, hats and shoes.
Ralph
Yeah, but your sister's husband doesn't have the expenses I do. He lives in a low rent district! And besides what are you always talking about buying clothes. What are you trying to do? Get on the list of the ten best dressed women?
Alice [Holding broom]
Yeah. I almost made it this year, but the Duchess of Windsor nosed me out!
Ralph
What are you yapping about? The last time I bought a suit it had two pair of pants and one of them was knickers!… And another thing, you know I've never owned a hat. Is that asking too much out of life to have a hat to call my own? Why even horses that pull junk wagons have hats. How do you think I feel when I walk into a restaurant and I walk by the hat check girl and I've got nothing to check? I got feelings, Alice; I'm not made out of iron.
[Alice crosses into bedroom. Ralph doesn't notice this and continues his lament.]
In the summer my heads exposed to the sun's rays. In the winter it's exposed to the cold and the snow. In the spring the rain beats on it. It's a wonder all this hasn't affected my brain… I must have a very thick skull!…
[Alice returns, places hat box on kitchen table, she strikes a pose and Ralph continues to rave.]
You know one of these nights I'm going to be coming home from work with my pay envelope in my hand and I'm going to see a hat store. I'm gonna walk right in and try on the first hat I see and buy it… And that ain't all… I'll buy myself a cap too… For my evening wear!
[He discovers Alice.]
That's what I'll do, Alice. That's what I'll do.
[He notices hat box. Opens it and extract hat.]
For me?
Alice
Yes for you. Happy Easter, Ralph.
Ralph
Gee! It's beautiful.
[He tries on hat.]
Alice
It's a little big… But I can exchange it.
Ralph
You'll do nothing of the kind. I love this hat… I'll put some newspaper in the hat and it'll fit fine. Oh, Alice, just go in the bedroom and look on top of the closet.
Alice
You don't mean you bought me a hat too.
Ralph
Just go in the bedroom and look.
[As Alice exits, Ralph completes putting newspapers into hat and puts it on. Alice enters wearing hat with hat box in hand.]
Alice
Oh, Ralph, it's gorgeous.
[Music sneaks in.]
Ralph
You look beautiful in that hat… Baby, we'll be a riot in that Easter parade…. I'm sorry about the way I hollered before… But I felt a little bad knowin' that I bought you a hat… And the price of eggs got in… I thought you were wastin' money… But it ain't your fault, Alice, I had a rough day today…..
Alice
That's okay, Ralph, I love you.
Ralph
Baby, You're the greatest.
[Blackout]
Credit I think goes to (the original) Bill's 'Mooners Archives, eBay.com, tv.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book, tvguide.com, honeymooners.net, Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD booklet, Wikipedia.org, Yahoo Groups You're A Riot! & Amazon.com.