Jessica: (to Mary)"I think that there is a curse on this family."
Benson: "If there isn't there should be."

Announcer: [after describing the often confusing plot line from the previous episode at the top of every show] Confused? You won't be after this episode of "Soap"!

Chester: "Burt, go read a comic book."

Chester: "'Scientific 'facts' from the impotent, invisible loon."
Burt: "Yeah, well, I'd rather be a loon than a lecherous embezzling killer."

Jessica: "Did the Devil make Chester disappear?"
Mary: "No, fear made Chester disappear."

Mary: (to Corrine)"Did you sleep with the fire chief?"
Corrine: "Almost, but he had to rush off."

Burt: I just can't believe it. I cannot believe it! I mean, it's just a small, small world. I can't get over it! I mean, my long, lost son from Hawaii comes to Connecticut and winds up teaching my sister-in-law and her daughter tennis.

Billy: "Eunice, I'm worried that insanity is hereditary....I mean, our sister marries a priest, Dad's a murderer, Grandpa's still fighting World War II and Mom lives on Mars....We're next!"

Corinne Tate Flotsky: I'm moving in with Peter Campbell... who's also having an affair with mother.
Eunice Tate: Come on, Corinne you're not allowed to lie.
Corinne Tate Flotsky: It's the truth.
Eunice Tate: Mother? Our mother? The mother downstairs? Jessica? The redhead?
Corinne Tate Flotsky: That's the one.
Eunice Tate: I can't believe it. I mean it took me twenty years to believe she did it with daddy.

(First lines of the series.)
Jessica: "Good morning, Benson. Isn't it a glorious morning?"

Jessica: "I have never once, in all these years, had to find x."

Mary: (to Burt)"You can make yourself disappear?"
Burt: "No!"

Eunice: "He does certain things very well."

Jessica: "If it makes you happy, Mary, that's allll that's important."

Jessica: "Chester hates hamburgers."

Danny: (to Annie)"So, how come we stopped?"
Annie: "The bed broke."

Danny: "There's more to sex than love."

Chester: "That doesn't mean I'm not a nice person."

Chester: "...I'll find a little retribution."
Danny: "Well, that's great, Dad. Where are you gonna find it?"
Chester: "Right here. Tomorrow, I die. Tonight, (aims gun)you die."

(Last lines of the series.)
Private Esquivo: "(Attention.)
General Sandia: "Ready... aim... fire!"
(THe firing squad shoots and kills Jessica.)

Jessica Gatling Tate: Billy go get mother... something...
Billy Tate: Why can't anybody in this family talk in front of me? For years I went around thinking a surprise party was being planned for me!