Ernie Douglas: Do you think the house is going to miss us?

Charley O'Casey: Sure, it'll miss us. The minute we get out of sight, it's going to break right down and start to cry out of all the faucets. The neighbors will sell tickets to see the crying house.

Steve Douglas: I'd like to think the house is going to miss us, Charley.

Charley O'Casey: Look, are we going to California, or are we going to stand here waving bye-bye to a pile of lumber?

Steve Douglas: Charley's right, fellas. Let's all...let's all pile in.

Charley O'Casey: Come on, let's go. Come on, move.

Chip Douglas: [They all climb into the car.]

Chip Douglas: Boy, Dad.

Steve Douglas: Now, Chip, when they transferred me to California, you fellas all thought it was a great idea, so... Well, there's no turning back now.

Chip Douglas: I know.

Chip Douglas: [to Ernie]

Chip Douglas: Hey, are you crying, Ernie?

Ernie Douglas: Heck, no. Tramp just breathed on my glasses and they steamed up.

Ernie & Chip quotes:

Salesman: Madam, I know you are simply going to...

[realizes it's an old man in front of him]

Salesman: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Michael Francis 'Bub' O'Casey: Oh, that's all right... Happens all the time. What's your paddlin'?

Michael Francis 'Bub' O'Casey: Oh, uuh... Cosmetics.

Michael Francis 'Bub' O'Casey: Oh-ho, BOY! Have you got the wrong house!

Salesman: Oh?

Michael Francis 'Bub' O'Casey: I'm the nearest thing to a lady around here. Come back when somebody's married.

Salesman: Yes, yes, I-I'll do that.

Michael Francis 'Bub' O'Casey: I will be back.

[slams the door]

Season 6, to Steve, referring to Steve's "little black book" of past flames / girlfriends (and the aging of black ink):

Charley: "When the ink turns brown, the dame's over the hill."

Robbie Douglas: Beanbrain!

Mike Douglas: Knothead!

In TV Triplets:
Steve: Where's Ernie?
Charlie: He's out with some clown.

From "Rough on Dodie":

Chip agrees to play house with Dodie until his friend comes to pick him up.

Dodie: Ok, I'm the mother, Myrtle's the baby, and you're the grandfather!

They sit on the couch and Dodie pretends to feed Myrtle a bottle then hands Myrtle over to Chip to burp.

Chip; Boy, this is a first!

Dodie: Huh?

Chip: (grins) I've never been a grandfather before and I've never burped my own hand!

Dodie: (Suddenly glares at Chip): Stop flipping your ashes on the floor, Grandpa, I work like a dog around here!


From "It's a Woman's World"

After putting Dodie to bed, Barbara tells Steve that Dodie is upset that neither Chip, Ernie, nor Uncle Charley will play the tree in her school play.
Steve thinks it over for a second then goes into Dodie's room.

Steve: Hey, Dodie, uh..Mama tells me you're looking for a tree. What kind of tree do you want, a poplar? A maple?

Dodie: Any kind.

Steve: Do you think I might be a good tree?

Dodie: (adorable huge grin with missing front teeth): DADDY!!... she and Steve hug.

Steve: (chuckling) Hey, not so hard, you'll bend my trunk!

And...cue the tissue box, because that scene always brings tears to my eyes. It is so sweet.

Robbie: I'm just thinking about how much I love you.....and my three sons.

That's a nice quote...from the episode where Rob is shocked by Katie's delivery of triplets.

I liked it when the family was fawning over the first baby, in the hospital, and Rob didn't know there were more:

Nurse: Oh, Mr. Douglas....Mr. Douglas!

Another one....etc. And they all fawn over that one.

Oh, Mr. Douglas....Mr. Douglas!

Another one...etc. Then Rob says, There aren't any more, are there?

"I see Paris, I see France, I see Dodie's underpants!"

That's a nice quote...from the episode where Rob is shocked by Katie's delivery of triplets.

I liked it when the family was fawning over the first baby, in the hospital, and Rob didn't know there were more:

Nurse: Oh, Mr. Douglas....Mr. Douglas!

Another one....etc. And they all fawn over that one.

Oh, Mr. Douglas....Mr. Douglas!

Another one...etc. Then Rob says, There aren't any more, are there?

Very memorable -- I'm pretty certain however that it's Steve who asks if there are any more...!:)

Ernie: "I'm not going around with any old girl, tell her I got the bubonic plague or an allergy or something."

Dodie (at dining table, of Fergus): Man, mama, I don't know what he's talking about most of the time.

Charley: That makes two of us.

Barbara: I, uh, I think Mr. Douglas means, none of you eat until I've been served, and I think it's a lovely idea.

Fergus: Them that have food, may now eat.

Charley: Well, thanks. Say, I been breathing all day without your permission. Did I do wrong?

From that same episode (Season 12, Ep. 1): Fergus meets Charley O'Casey, noting the last name.

Fergus: "Irish?"
Charley: "I ain't Zorba the Greek!"

?*: "That's the problem with a scientific mind. It's too scientific."


*: I don't remember who said this.

I can’t think of anymore quotes right now. Sorry.

From the episode "Alfred":

Dodie: I don't go for men at all.

Uncle Charley: How about me?

Dodie: I like you an' Dad an' Ringo Starr an' THAT'S ALL!

Uncle Charley: Thanks for the first billing.

An Ernie quote:

A Robbie & Ernie quote:

Michael Francis 'Bub' O'Casey: I'm the nearest thing to a lady around here. Come back when somebody's married.

From the episode "Alfred":

Dodie: I don't go for men at all.

Uncle Charley: How about me?

Dodie: I like you an' Dad an' Ringo Starr an' THAT'S ALL!

Uncle Charley: Thanks for the first billing.

reminds me of that scene from the Simpsons...

Ernie: There's a letter for you, Dodie! From Merry Old England!

Dodie: From the Desk of Ringo Starr!

Michael Francis 'Bub' O'Casey: Oh-ho, BOY! Have you got the wrong house!

Robbie: "This happens to be a very important thing they're going to."
Mike: "Sic transit Gloria."
Robbie: "You think you're so smart cause you're taking Latin. Well I could say some junk in algebra you couldn't figure out either."

Ernie and his friend have filled up at a bakery, but meanwhile Charley has prepared sloppy joe sandwiches and milkshakes for them.

Uncle Charley: "I tell you, it's the finest...!"

From "The Birth of Arfie":

Barbara: Dodie, you have been down here half a dozen times.

Dodie: No, I haven't. This is only six.

---------

(in child psychologist's waiting room)

Older kid, to Dodie: What's the nature of your particular malady?

Dodie: I'm sorry, I don't speak German.

Steve Douglas: Now, Chip, when they transferred me to California, you fellas all thought it was a great idea, so... Well, there's no turning back now.

From ' Wedding Bells'.

The Douglas men and boys have all woken up late for Robbie's wedding to Katie and are in a big rush to try to make it to the church on time. Uncle Charley, Chip and Ernie are scrambling in the living room waiting for Steve and Robbie when Steve comes down the staircase with Robbie.

Steve: Charley, don't tell us we're late, we KNOW it! Why's everyone standing around?

Uncle Charley: Oh, I thought we could all play parcheesi! Come on. Let's Go!

Uncle Charlie: (to Barbara)"You know, skipping breakfast is bad news. You're just asking for a headache."

Uncle Charlie: "That's the trouble with most sick people. They don't eat right."

Steve Douglas:
Oh Mike, there's nothing to thank me for. The bride's parents always pay for the wedding. All I did was stand around and nod!

(From Bad Day For Barbara) (Barbara wakes up with a splitting headache, and Steve suggests she stay in bed--but she can't, and has to do all kinds of stuff...later, Steve comes home and enters the kitchen as Barbara, still not feeling well, is working on dinner while Charley is sitting there, with his alleged bad knee)

Steve (S): Boy, you wouldn't believe the day I've had.
Charley (C): Bad, huh?
S: The worst. In the first place, my secretary didn't show up. I had to answer my phone myself--it rang all day long. Then I had to look up stuff in the filing cabinet.
Barbara (B): All by yourself?
S: What?
B: Oh, nothing.
C: I had a rough day too, with this stupid knee.
S: Well, that's too bad, Charley. (Barbara turns and glares at him.)
(Steve then continues to complain about the filing.)
(He then tastes the dinner Barbara is preparing--earlier, Charley had said she better add more salt.)
S: Hmm, somebody must have spilled the salt.
C: Well, you can see for yourself I'm not doin' the cooking.
S: Ya know, honey, there were times today when I really envied you. Lying up there in bed, taking it easy.
(Barbara, about to bust, undoes her apron.)
B: The, uh, roast is in the oven, the rest of the dinner's on the stove. I promised Dodie and the boys some ice cream for dessert. And I'll see you later. (She storms out the back door.)
S: (as she's running out) Uh, where are you going? Barbara? Barbara--where are you going? Charley, where is she going?
C: How do I know?
S: Did something happen around here today?
C: Nothing.
(You hear Barbara burning rubber as she pulls out).

Steve Douglas: Charley's right, fellas. Let's all...let's all pile in.

Bub: "Pick it up a little."

Bub: "Those two reluctant dragons are my grandsons."

Sudsy: "I haven't been scared of ghosts since I was a little kid."

Mrs. Towler: Mr. O'Casey, you are in contempt of the chair.
Michael Francis 'Bub' O'Casey: That is so true.

(Ernie has invited a hobo, Edward, to dinner. He arrives and is in the front hall with the family and the dog, Tramp.)

Steve, to Tramp: Shake hands with Edward, Tramp.

(Tramp jumps up on Edward.)

Uncle Charley: Takes one to know one.

Mike Douglas:
[the wedding party poses for a group photo] Smile, you guys!

Sally Ann Morrison:
Yeah! [looks at Steve after the photo is taken] Just think, I don't have to call you Mr. Douglas anymore - Dad!

Steve Douglas:
And this is the first time in my life I've ever used the word, "daughter."

Mike Douglas:
Hey, that's right!

Robbie Douglas:
Well, I look at it like this: I may be losing a brother, but I'm gaining a room. [Mike nods sheepishly]

Sally Ann Morrison:
Oh honey, I just want to go thank Muriel.

Mike Douglas:
OK. [gestures at Steve to join him a few feet away] Dad? [shakes hands with Steve] I just wanted to say thanks, Dad, for everything!

Steve Douglas:
Oh Mike, there's nothing to thank me for. The bride's parents always pay for the wedding. All I did was stand around and nod!

Mike Douglas:
No Dad, I mean for everything. For putting up with me, especially the last few years with the guitar lessons and hot rod cars - everything!

Steve Douglas:
It all comes back double, Mike. Who'd have thought that my #1 son would turn out to be an assistant psychology instructor back East? I'm proud of you, Mike. For a lot of things. [they look at each other affectionately]

Uncle Charlie: "Sounds like the worst days of the Depression."

Girl: "He's divine."

Paul: "The spacing was off on the plugs."

Robbie: "Kate, it's a matter of using the existing header."
Steve: "It's a matter of strength, Kate, structural strength."

Carpenter: "Fine woman, reminds me of my wife. Always coming up with good ideas."

Uncle Charlie: (to Chip)"She didn't say you were better-looking, just bigger."

Uncle Charlie: "...whatever happened to the alphabet?"

Robbie: (to himself)"Douglas, you ought to be a psychiatrist."

Ernie: "He's flipped out!"

Mike Douglas:
[the wedding party poses for a group photo] Smile, you guys!

Sally Ann Morrison:
Yeah! [looks at Steve after the photo is taken] Just think, I don't have to call you Mr. Douglas anymore - Dad!

Steve Douglas:
And this is the first time in my life I've ever used the word, "daughter."

Mike Douglas:
Hey, that's right!

Robbie Douglas:
Well, I look at it like this: I may be losing a brother, but I'm gaining a room. [Mike nods sheepishly]

Sally Ann Morrison:
Oh honey, I just want to go thank Muriel.

Mike Douglas:
OK. [gestures at Steve to join him a few feet away] Dad? [shakes hands with Steve] I just wanted to say thanks, Dad, for everything!

Steve Douglas:
Oh Mike, there's nothing to thank me for. The bride's parents always pay for the wedding. All I did was stand around and nod!

Mike Douglas:
No Dad, I mean for everything. For putting up with me, especially the last few years with the guitar lessons and hot rod cars - everything!

Steve Douglas:
It all comes back double, Mike. Who'd have thought that my #1 son would turn out to be an assistant psychology instructor back East? I'm proud of you, Mike. For a lot of things. [they look at each other affectionately]

Katie: "Every time I think I know you, Rob Douglas, I don't."

Katie: "Yeah, he's wonderful that way."

Steve: "Charlie, he's a grown man. It's his life, and let's stay out of it."

Mike Douglas:
[the wedding party poses for a group photo] Smile, you guys!

Sally Ann Morrison:
Yeah! [looks at Steve after the photo is taken] Just think, I don't have to call you Mr. Douglas anymore - Dad!

Steve Douglas:
And this is the first time in my life I've ever used the word, "daughter."

Mike Douglas:
Hey, that's right!

Robbie Douglas:
Well, I look at it like this: I may be losing a brother, but I'm gaining a room. [Mike nods sheepishly]

Sally Ann Morrison:
Oh honey, I just want to go thank Muriel.

Mike Douglas:
OK. [gestures at Steve to join him a few feet away] Dad? [shakes hands with Steve] I just wanted to say thanks, Dad, for everything!

Steve Douglas:
Oh Mike, there's nothing to thank me for. The bride's parents always pay for the wedding. All I did was stand around and nod!

Mike Douglas:
No Dad, I mean for everything. For putting up with me, especially the last few years with the guitar lessons and hot rod cars - everything!

Steve Douglas:
It all comes back double, Mike. Who'd have thought that my #1 son would turn out to be an assistant psychology instructor back East? I'm proud of you, Mike. For a lot of things. [they look at each other affectionately]

Barbara: Dodie, you have been down here half a dozen times.

Dodie: This is only six.

Dodie: OK, I'm the mother, Myrtle's the baby, and you're the grandfather!

[They sit on the couch and Dodie pretends to feed Myrtle a bottle then hands Myrtle over to Chip to burp.]

Chip: Boy, this is a first!

Dodie: Huh?

Chip: [grins] I've never been a grandfather before and I've never burped my own hand!

(Ernie and Chip are snooping from the stairs, as Rob and Katie kiss)

Ernie: I'm goin' to bed.

Chip: Yeah. Kissin's no good unless you're doin' it yourself.

Salesman: Madam, I know you are simply going to...

[realizes it's an old man in front of him]

Salesman: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Michael Francis 'Bub' O'Casey: Oh, that's all right... Happens all the time. What's your paddlin'?

Michael Francis 'Bub' O'Casey: Oh, uuh... Cosmetics.

Michael Francis 'Bub' O'Casey: Oh-ho, BOY! Have you got the wrong house!

Salesman: Oh?

Michael Francis 'Bub' O'Casey: I'm the nearest thing to a lady around here. Come back when somebody's married.

Salesman: Yes, yes, I-I'll do that.

Michael Francis 'Bub' O'Casey: I will be back.

[slams the door]

Uncle Charlie: "Boy, when that team of his loses, it's the end of the world."

Ernie: "I'm not playin' next Saturday. I'm turnin' in my uniform."

Chip: "Ernie, when it's a good movie, you've got to expect a big crowd."

Salesman: Madam, I know you are simply going to...

[realizes it's an old man in front of him]

Salesman: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Michael Francis 'Bub' O'Casey: Oh, that's all right... Happens all the time. What's your paddlin'?

Michael Francis 'Bub' O'Casey: Oh, uuh... Cosmetics.

Michael Francis 'Bub' O'Casey: Oh-ho, BOY! Have you got the wrong house!

Salesman: Oh?

Michael Francis 'Bub' O'Casey: I'm the nearest thing to a lady around here. Come back when somebody's married.

Salesman: Yes, yes, I-I'll do that.

Michael Francis 'Bub' O'Casey: I will be back.

[slams the door]

Ernie: "I used to think all girls were jerks."

Uncle Charlie: "Well, it's your own stomach."

Uncle Charlie: "What important time? So he's got a little girl that hates him."

“Dodie: OK, I'm the mother, Myrtle's the baby, and you're the grandfather!

[They sit on the couch and Dodie pretends to feed Myrtle a bottle then hands Myrtle over to Chip to burp.]

Chip: Boy, this is a first!

Dodie: Huh?

Chip: [grins] I've never been a grandfather before and I've never burped my own hand!”

Katie: "Rob doesn't believe in nepotism."
Uncle Charlie: "Mee, too. I don't touch the stuff."

Mike Douglas:
[the wedding party poses for a group photo] Smile, you guys!

Sally Ann Morrison:
Yeah! [looks at Steve after the photo is taken] Just think, I don't have to call you Mr. Douglas anymore - Dad!

Steve Douglas:
And this is the first time in my life I've ever used the word, "daughter."

Mike Douglas:
Hey, that's right!

Robbie Douglas:
Well, I look at it like this: I may be losing a brother, but I'm gaining a room. [Mike nods sheepishly]

Sally Ann Morrison:
Oh honey, I just want to go thank Muriel.

Mike Douglas:
OK. [gestures at Steve to join him a few feet away] Dad? [shakes hands with Steve] I just wanted to say thanks, Dad, for everything!

Steve Douglas:
Oh Mike, there's nothing to thank me for. The bride's parents always pay for the wedding. All I did was stand around and nod!

Mike Douglas:
No Dad, I mean for everything. For putting up with me, especially the last few years with the guitar lessons and hot rod cars - everything!

Steve Douglas:
It all comes back double, Mike. Who'd have thought that my #1 son would turn out to be an assistant psychology instructor back East? I'm proud of you, Mike. For a lot of things. [they look at each other affectionately]

Barbara, replying to Charley's being blamed for how Dodie's cookie didn't turn out well: Oh, now Charley, you know that wasn't your fault.

Charley: Yeah, well, I didn't sink the Titanic either, but I still felt bad about it.

Steve:

Mrs. Towler: Mr. O'Casey, you are in contempt of the chair.

Michael Francis 'Bub' O'Casey: That is so true.

Robbie Douglas: Me, me? She's the prettiest girl in the whole school.

Gordy: Yeah, she still wants to meet you. Maybe she's stupid or something.

Ernie: "Too top secret for the plant, huh?"
Chip: "Boy, Ernie."

Chip: "Ernie?"
Ernie: "Yeah?"
Chip: "You're a nut."

Chip: "Yeah, Ernie, the woodpeckers are gonna get you one of these days."

Uncle Charlie: "Let me tell you a few things about Steve."

Dodie: "Isn't that neat?"
Professor Harper: "Very neat. Very neat indeed."

Robbie: I'm just thinking about how much I love you... and my three sons.

(First lines of the series.)
Steve: "Somebody answer the door."
Robbie:"Hey, Chip. Dad wants you to answer the door."

Uncle Charlie: "Why would anyone want to leave California to go to Bryant Park?"

Mr. Minnerman: (to Robbie)"Well, you are lookin' fine, Don."

Katie: (to Robbie)"No, Don, this is perfect."

Katie: "I still think it's very pretty."

Old Man: "Sorry is as sorry does."

Robbie: "Yeah, the first rule is you can't go back."

Chip Douglas: Will you talk to him for me?

Steve Douglas: No.

Chip Douglas: Will you come with me?

Steve Douglas: No.

Chip Douglas: Will you write me a note?

Steve Douglas: No.

(Last lines of the series.)
Uncle Charlie: "You know, it's a wholle new planet." (He leaves.)
Steve: "Ernie?"
Ernie: "Yeah, Dad?"
Steve: "Thanks."

Elizabeth Martin: I'm sorry you're father couldn't be here to.

Chip Douglas: So am I. Maybe he could show me which fork to use.

Robbie Douglas: Just use the one you always use Chip.

Chip Douglas: I used that one but I still have two forks left over.

Steve: "Takin' the work out of homework..."

Bub: "...Well, I usually ask for my son-in-law, the engineer."

Bub: "Well, this isn't much of a planet, but it's all we've got."

Bub: "The human race is goin' downhill."

Henry Pearson: We're going in Steve's station wagon. Our car won't hold seven people and a dog.

Mrs. Florence Pearson: Seven people?

Henry Pearson: Love thy neighbor. As they say.

Mrs. Florence Pearson: All of them? Well that's the trouble with modern psychology. Children today always feel wanted.

Ernie: "Why is it my program you interrupt?"

Chip: "I'm gonna go do my homework. It's more interesting."

Ernie: "This is what happens when you get caught in a time warp. The whole crew ended up invisible."

Uncle Charlie: "That's not breakfast, it's ballast."

Robbie: "Ah, the younger generation."
Uncle Charlie: "Look who's talking."

Uncle Charlie: "That could be illegal, impersonating a college student."

Ernie: "A lady engineer?"

Robbie: "Uncle Charlie runs the engineer."
Ilene Talbot: "Yes, and from what I hear, he does a marvelous job."

Uncle Charlie: "Boy! She's a looker all right."
Ernie: "Yeah, she's neat."

Ilene: "I have a stool pigeon at the snack bar."

Steve: "...we're a pretty close family."

Ilene: "Even air becomes liquid when it gets cold enough."

Dr. Killebrew: (to Robbie)"It is a name that will be etched on my mind, with acid."

Uncle Charlie: "Spanish. All day long. Spanish."

Robbie: "I'm the same sweet kid I always was."

Robbie: "Well, you can say plenty when you hate somebody."

Doug Frasier: (sarcastically)"Aw, you did? What a shame."

Uncle Charlie: "People used to tell me I looked like Wendell Wilkie."

Steve: "________ is getting more complicated by the minute."

Robbie: "He must have a cave somewhere and come out at night."

Steve: "Yes, it's like rattling a window to get a clear picture."

Steve Douglas: Chip, some day you're going to get married.
Chip Douglas: Married! I don't even have a driver's license yet.

Uncle Charlie: "That's because he don't look like you."

Uncle Charlie: "What do you girls expect? A mail box on every tree in the jungle?"

Bub: (to Maddie Pearson)"And those two reluctant dragons are my grandsons."

Bub: "We don't even have female mice."

Sudsy: "Boy. It's sure dumb to be afraid of empty houses."

Bub: "Child comedian."

Uncle Charlie: "Us models and artists got no time for ball games."

Uncle Charlie: "This is the chick with the boy problem?"
*: "Well, how did you know?"


*: I forgot to write down her name.

Mrs. Towler: Mr. O'Casey, you are in contempt of the chair.
Michael Francis 'Bub' O'Casey: That is so true.