Frank Gannucci
04-21-2017, 08:29 AM
Honeymooners Episode Reviews: Script of "Alice's Birthday" & "Dorsey Bros. Show":
Episode #53
DVD: Attached to “The Norton Interviews”, Radio versions of “Letter To The Boss” & “Love Letter”, “Additional Sketches & Commercials”, “Lost Episodes Story”, script to “Easter Hats” & “All About Trixie: Joyce Randolph Interview.”
Air Date: Sat.. 5/16/53
Even though on the DVD Box Set, it says that the script for “Missing Pair of Pants” is there, when you click on it, it’s the script for “Alice’s Birthday.” There is also another link to “Alice’s Birthday” entitled, of course, “Alice’s Birthday.” Looks like MPI struck out again…until they reissued the set later on.
The script for this episode is at UCLA Library Special Collections Box 109 Folder 13 Harry Crane Collection.
Thanks to ChrisTV for typing the whole script. For this review, I will copy and paste the whole script. I will insert a note or two.
Announcer
And now it's time for another visit with Ralph and Alice Kramden, better known to you as The Honeymooners. You know being married to Ralph is a constant challenge to Alice. She has to exert all her tact and diplomacy in coping with Ralph's unpredictable manner. Suppose we look in on Ralph and Alice and see how Alice deals with Ralph's mood of the moment.
[As travelers part camera holds on an establishing shot of the Kramden kitchen. Alice is discovered on. She has a jar of cheese spread which she is spreading on crackers which she places on plate. Trixie enters. She is carrying gift wrapped package.]
Trixie
Happy Birthday, Alice.
Alice
Thanks, Trixie.
[Trixie crosses to Alice and hugs her. As they break, Trixie extends gift to Alice.]
Trixie
Here, Alice, many happy returns.
Frank’s Note: Both of those girls hugging make me feel good if you know what I mean.
[Alice takes gift.]
Alice
You're very sweet, Trix. I'm dying to know what it is but I'll wait and open it when Ralph gets home.
Trixie
By the way, how many candles are you putting on your cake this year?
Alice
Twenty five.
Trixie
Alice, you mean you're only twenty five?
Alice
That's not what you asked me. And let’s change the subject.
[She crosses to bureau and puts gift on top of it.]
Trixie
Did Ralph give you his gift yet?
Alice
No, but it's going to be a nylon slip.
Trixie
You mean he told you what he's going to get you?
Alice
No, he doesn't even know about this himself yet. You see, Trixie, every year on my birthday Ralph forgets to buy me a present. He just never remembers. Well, tonight some of my friends are going to drop in. They do every birthday. And every year Ralph gets embarrassed when they start giving me their gifts and he doesn't have one for me. Well, to make sure that doesn't happen this time I phoned Jo Ann's lingerie shop and told them to send a nylon slip to me as Ralph's gift.
Trixie
Gee, you think of everything.
Alice
I even dictated a card for them to enclose. Does this sound romantic enough [reciting]... "To my darling Alice... I love you now and forever. This is just a little something from the man who adores you."
Trixie
Gee, Ralph is certainly romantic. He forgets to say the sweetest things!
Alice
Oh, by the way, Trix, I may need some extra glasses for tonight. Could I come up and borrow some?
Trixie
Well, I've only got six, but I don't know if you'd want to use them.
Alice
Why, what's wrong with them?
Trixie
On the bottom of each glass it says, "I'm a big girl. I drank all my milk." Ed got it by mistake, when he sent in a box top. He expected a space cadet helmet!
[As Alice chuckles the door opens and Ralph and Norton enter. They ad lib hellos.]
Ralph
Alice, I got to tell you what happened while I was driving the bus today. Now I've been driving a bus for twelve years, but what happened today tops everything. About four o'clock today I'm cruising along heading downtown. Well, all of a sudden I notice a kid in the bus. He was about five years old. He was running up and down the aisles, jumping on the seats, swinging the straps. So I turned to the kid and said, "Will you cut it out and sit with your mother?" and the kid said, "I can't. My mother got off the bus and left me here." Well, I figured it was an abandoned kid and that I'd turn him in at the depot at the end of the line. But as I stop at Kleins, the kid’s mother gets on and says to him, "Are you alright, Herbie?" Well, I get steamed and I turn to the lady and say, "You got a lot of nerve lady. What's the big idea of leaving your kid on the bus all afternoon?" and she said, "Where else can you get a baby sitter for a dime?"
[They laugh it up.]
Alice
Ralph, I have to go up to Trixie's. I'll be down in a minute.
Trixie [To Norton]
I'll have your dinner ready in a few minutes.
Norton
Did you get watermelon for dessert?
Trixie
Watermelon's not in season.
Norton
Don't give me that. That's what you've been telling me all winter.
[Trixie gives him a "You Poor Soul" take and leaves with Alice.]
Norton
You know Ralph, you were talking about the aggravations you get driving a bus all day. I work in a sewer. My job ain't no bed of roses either. Take last night, I was to quit at five. We'll I didn't get out of the sewer till eight thirty.
Ralph
Why? Did you have to work overtime?
Norton
No. I couldn't get out. Some jerk parked his car over the manhole!
Ralph
Norton, you are beautiful.
[Knock at door.]
Come in.
[Uniformed delivery boy enters with gift wrapped package.]
Boy
I got a package for Mrs. Kramden.
Ralph
I'm her husband. I'll take it.
[Ralph takes package. And fishes in his pocket.]
Norton, I haven't got any change on me. Take care of him.
[Norton reaches in his pocket and hands boy a coin. Boy looks at coin in his hand.]
Boy
A dime! I walked my feet off coming over here. What can I get with this?
Norton
Buy yourself a corn plaster!
[Boy reacts and leaves.]
Ralph
I wonder what this is. Its gift wrapped. It couldn't be….
[Ralph snaps fingers]
I forgot it again. Today is Alice's birthday. Norton you got to do me a favor. Run down to the candy store and get the biggest box of candy they got. You know with ribbons and everything. Then take it up to your place and I'll pretend I had it hidden up there all the time.
Norton
Okay but first I want to get a piece of fruit. I'm starved.
[As Norton crosses to ice box.]
Ralph
I wonder who sent her this package? Maybe it's from one of her girlfriends. Hey, there's a card here. I'll find out.
[There is a card in envelope tied to the ribbon. Ralph removes card. Scans it and his eyes bulge.]
Norton, get a load of this...[reading] "To my darling Alice... I love you now and forever. This is just a little something from the man who adores you." And it isn't signed!
Norton
It isn't signed, huh? Now you'll never know if it's from one of her girl friends or not!
Ralph
Norton, you are a mental case. Don't you realize what this means. There's another guy in Alice's life. [He paces a few steps.] I wonder who it could be... I'm with her every night. It must be someone she meets during the day. Now, who could it be?
Norton
Maybe its Charlie, the butcher. She sees him every day. I know how we can find out. Gimme the envelope.
Ralph [Exasperated]
How can you tell it's from the butcher by looking at the envelope.
Norton
Maybe the envelopes got sawdust in it!
Ralph
Norton, you got sawdust in your head... I wonder what this guy sent to my wife...
[Ralph rips package open eyes bulging as he peers into box.]
Norton
What is it, Ralph?
[Ralph extracts pink slip from box and comments.]
Ralph
It ain't lamb chops! Norton, this is a terrific blow to me. When I married Alice thirteen years ago I worked hard so I could give her everything in life. There are only two things a man lives for... his wife and his job. Your wife and your job have one thing in common. When you find a pink slip you're thru! The handwriting is on the wall. Norton, I'll move into the Y.M.C.A. tonight.
Norton
The Y.M.C.A. is a good place. If you make up with Alice you can move back here. If you don't you'll become a very good handball player.
[Noticing hors oeuvres, lifts one... examines it.]
Ralph
Hey, she made hors do’euvres. That means she's having some people over like she does every birthday... And if I'm right... The rat that sent this package will probably come over for some cheese and crackers! The Y.M.C.A. can wait. I'll stick around and expose this home wrecker. Now the first thing I'll do is hide this package.
[Ralph crosses to bureau puts gift in drawer.]
Norton
How are you going to expose him, Ralph?
Ralph
Very simple. He'll probably be here tonight. All I have to do is mention the words "I love you now and forever" and the one who reacts must be the guilty party.
Norton
What if that don't work?
Ralph
Then I'll use my ace in the hole... This card. [Extracts card]. I'll compare everybody's handwriting to this.
[Alice enters carrying several glasses.]
Alice
Oh Ed, Trixie told me to tell you dinner's on the table.
Norton
Thanks.
[Norton starts to leave. Stops and sympathetically gives Ralph a keep your chin up punch. He exits.]
Ralph
I notice you're wearing your best dress. Any special reason?
Alice
I know you always forget, Ralph, but today I'm one year older.
Ralph
Well, today I'm five years older.
Alice
Aren't you going to wish me a happy birthday?
Ralph [Sarcastically]
Happy Birthday!
[Alice with glasses in hands leans forward and puckers her lips. Ralph stands there with feet planted and ignores her.]
Alice [Puckering]
Ralph, I've got my lips puckered.
[She puckers them again.]
Ralph
You got your lips puckered, huh? Well, you can whistle Dixie!
[She sets glasses down on bureau.]
Alice
Ralph, what's eating you?
Ralph
Alice, What do you do all day?
Alice
What do you mean?
Ralph
What did you do today for instance?
Alice
Well, after I did the breakfast dishes, I made the bed, waxed the kitchen floor, washed your shirts, hung them on the roof, then I came down and washed the windows, mended your socks, went out to pay the gas bills, then I did the marketing, and when I came back I took your shirts down from the roof and ironed them.
Ralph [Challenging]
Yeah, but what did you do in your spare time!
Alice
What did I do in my spare time? I went down to the employment agency and interviewed butlers!
Ralph
One of the days... One of the days, Alice... Pow right in the kisser.
[Knock on the door.]
Alice
Ralph, I think some of our friends are here. Now stop acting stupid, and go in and change your jacket.
[Ralph goes into bedroom. Alice crosses to door and comments.]
Come in.
[The door opens and five people enter. Two women and three men. Two of the men are rather attractive and the third man is fat and an unlikely suspect. The people ad lib "Happy Birthdays" and "Helloes", and hand Alice presents and she thanks them.
First woman
Where's Ralph?
Alice
He'll be out in a minute. Help yourself to some hors do’euvres and I'll get you a cold drink.
First woman
Alice. You never seem to get a day older.
Alice
Thank you.
First woman
You now what they say… A woman carries her years so lightly because she loses so many on the way.
[They all laugh. Alice comes back from icebox with pitcher, and starts pouring drinks into glasses on bureau. They start sipping and eating some hors do’euvres and engage in small talk, as Ralph enters everybody adlibs helloes.]
Ralph [Down]
Hello everybody.
First man
Ralph; you certainly are a lucky guy to have a pretty wife like Alice.
Ralph [Suspiciously]
Think I got a pretty wife, Huh Frank? Can I speak to you for a minute alone?
First man
Sure Ralph.
[Frank crosses to Ralph. Others and Alice stay in group and engage in small talk. Ralph looks Frank up and down.
Ralph
So you think I got a pretty wife, huh?
[Ralph laughs like he's got Frank trapped.]
First man [Puzzled]
Yeah. I think you got a pretty wife.
[Ralph reaches into pocket pulls out card holds it away from Frank, to remind himself. Then puts it back in pocket.]
Ralph [Entre hous]
I love you now and forever.
[Frank reacts.]
Does that mean anything to you?
First man
Yeah. You're drunk.
[Ralph takes out card from pocket.]
Ralph
Frank have you got a pencil and paper on you?
First man
Yeah, why?
Ralph
I'd like you to write down your address for me.
First man
What do you want my address for? I live right in the next apartment.
Ralph [Stuttering]
Well... Um... Um... In case I ever move.
First man
Well, all right, if you want it.
[First man takes out pencil and pad and writes. Ralph turns away from man and taking card in one hand compares it with mans handwriting.]
Ralph [Chuckling]
Forget what I said Frank. Go over and have a drink... And oh... You can have your address back.
[Ralph hands back slip of paper back to first man. Man returns to group as he regards Ralph curiously.]
[Calling] Oh, George!
[The fat man in the group crosses to Ralph. Ralph looks him up and down sparingly.]
No… It couldn't be you. Forget it, George. Go back and dig into them hors do’euvres.
[George reacts, and goes back to group.]
[Calls] Oh, Henry, Can I see you for a minute?
Henry
Sure.
[Henry crosses over to Ralph.]
What can I do for you, Ralph?
Ralph
I just want to ask you a question. Um... What did you give Alice for her birthday?
Henry
Didn't it arrive yet? I didn't bring anything. I told the store to deliver it.
Ralph
Oh, so you're the one!
[Takes John L. Sullivan pose with fists clenched.]
Put up your dukes!
[Group reacts and turns]
Alice
Ralph, What are you doing?
Ralph
Stay out of this Alice. I'll prove to you who the better man is.
Henry
What's the matter with you Ralph?
Ralph
Put up your dukes! Now start fighting!
Henry
Well, if that's what you want Ralph.
[Henry gives Ralph a light tap in the face. Ralph instantly goes into pain bit… holding face. At the conclusion of pain bit, Henry speaks.]
I think I better go.
Women
I think we'd all better go.
[They ad lib goodbyes and exit.]
Alice
Ralph, have you gone out of your mind?
Ralph
I haven't gone out of my mind. But you've gone out of yours. You're in love with Henry Cidermann.
Alice [Puzzled]
In love with Henry Cidermann???
Ralph
Yeah and I can prove it.
[He storms over to bureau and pulls package out.]
This is the package that came for you while you were up at Trixie's. It's a pink slip. And he sent [Pulls card from pocket.] this card along with it. You want to hear what it says?
Alice
I'll tell you what it says... "To my darling Alice... I love you now and forever. This is just a little something from the man who adores you."
Ralph [Amazed]
How did you know what it said?
Alice
Because I sent the package. Ralph, you’ve never remembered my birthday since we've been married... And every year when people give me gifts, you get embarrassed because you didn't get me one. I bought this gift and had them enclose that card so you wouldn't be embarrassed... But instead you had to humiliate me.
[Alice sits down in kitchen chair. Music sneaks in. Ralph is lost for words.]
Ralph
Gee, Alice I certainly ruined your birthday. You're right I always do forget your birthday. But it's not because I don't love you. It's just that I'm... Uh... I guess I'm not very bright that's all. I'm sorry I acted like I did in front of our friends... But you know how I feel about you... And when I thought Henry Cidermann… Well, you know I'm jealous if anyone ever looks at you... I guess I'll take a walk.
Alice [Rising]
Ralph.
[Ralph turns]
I'm all puckered up.
Ralph
Baby, You're the greatest.
[Blackout.]
Episode #54
TV: Not seen since its original airdate.
DVD: Attached to “Honeymooners Christmas Party” (’52 version), “Glow Worm Cleaning”, “Alice Plays Cupid”, “Suspense”, “Lost Job”, “Anniversary Gift”, “Income Tax”,” “Alice’s Aunt Ethel”, “What’s Her Name”, “Lunch Box”, “Hot Tips”, “Norton Moves In”, “Ralph’s Diet”, “Dinner Guest” & “Manager of The Baseball Team” (’53 version).
Air Date: Sat. 5/23/53
The script for this episode is at UCLA Library Special Collections Box 109 Folder 15 Harry Crane Collection.
Trixie comes into the Kramden apartment with the phonograph with the record. Alice comes out dressed as a Mexican dancer. Trixie says that she will be the star of the Bus Driver’s Ball. Trixie puts the record on and Alice dances to the music. Ralph comes in and is surprised. He turns off the music. Alice wants to explain. Ralph: “Babaloo your way out of this.” An I Love Lucy reference. Alice explains. She mentions that Ralph is the head of the entertainment committee of the Bus Driver’s Ball. Ralph: “You are not laying any egg on any stage.” Alice: “My dance won’t lay an egg.” Ralph: “You are right; it will lay a Spanish omelet.” Trixie says that Alice is really very good. Ralph disagrees. Alice: “She was in show business.” Ralph: “There is a big difference between a stage and a runway.” Trixie: “Are you insisting that I was in burlesque?” Ralph: “If the shoe fits, take it off.” Trixie is upset. Ralph asks Alice for dinner. Alice: “You can get it yourself.” Ralph doesn’t like that. Ralph: “Since the beginning of time, it has been the man’s job to hunt the food and your job to prepare it.” Alice calls Ralph a caved-in caveman and dares Ralph to hit her over the head with a club. Ralph is even more upset. Alice: “Our wedding stopped a theatrical career for me. My family is talented. My mother could have been a great actress. She gave up a chance to appear in silent pictures but she gave it up to have a family.” Ralph: “Har har. The only reason why she didn’t appear in silent pictures was that she couldn’t keep silent.” Alice says that Ralph’s brother, Eddie is very untalented. Alice says that she will be in that show and be a big hit. A similar scene took place later in “Songs & Witty Sayings”/”Life Upon The Wicked Stage.”
Ed comes in. Ralph explains to Ed what happened. Ed tells that he met Trixie when he was an usher. Yet another story about how Ed met Trixie for the first time. Ralph didn’t mean to upset Trix and tells Ed to apologize on his behalf. Ralph is looking for entertainment. Ed offers his services. The only thing he can do is do an imitation of Times Square. Ed imitates cars driving and says things like: “Read all about it” as well as other quotes people yell when they are in that area. What talent. Ralph says that they got Tommy Dorsey for the dance. He will contact him to get him to appear for nothing. Ralph brings out Alice and explains that he is trying to get Tommy (but he doesn’t say his name) and if he can’t get him during his lunch hour, she is to call the musician’s union to get him.
The next day, Trixie comes by. Alice says that JIMMY Dorsey is coming over and explains what she did. Ralph comes home. Alice is preparing hors d’ourves. Ralph teases Trix about her burlesque background by horribly singing: “A Pretty Girl Is Like A Melody.” Trixie leaves. Ralph says that he contacted Dorsey and got him to come over tonight. Alice explains that she did the same thing. She says that she got JIMMY Dorsey. Ralph is upset. Ralph: “They hate each other.” Laughter is heard probably because in real-life, it wasn’t true. Tommy Dorsey comes in. They introduce each other. Tommy says that the people will react favorably due to the changes in music that were going on. Ralph tries to get Tommy to leave. Alice: “That must be Jimmy.” Ralph: “Jimmy Holfsetter.” Ralph says that Tommy better go in the bedroom because Jimmy got a disease. Tommy does. Ed comes in. Ed: “Trixie says that Ed Jimmy Dorsey is coming over.” Ralph says that Tommy is in the bedroom. Ed: “Tommy can sleep in the kitchen.” Tom comes out and introduces Tom to “Jimmy.” Ed doesn’t know what is going on but he asks Tom to sign a few autographs for people he knows in the sewer (Bill and Harold). He also asks him to sign an autograph for Herman and have it signed from Joe DiMaggio since he hates music but loves baseball. Ha!
A knock on the door is heard. Ralph asks Ed to go in the bedroom with Tom. They do. Ralph asks Alice to talk to Tommy in the bedroom. She does. Jimmy Dorsey comes in. Ralph explains that the bus drivers are running a dance and asks him to appear. Jimmy says that Alice already explained it to him and he says that he and his band think that it is a great idea. Jimmy says that he and his band need to rehearse. Alice comes out and says that he (meaning Tom) has agreed to appear. Alice goes to get Tommy Dorsey while Ralph tries to get Tommy to look outside the window so Tommy wouldn’t see him. Tommy comes out with Alice & Ed. Ralph says that the person looking out the window is sick. Tommy leaves. Ed: “I’ll walk him to the subway. I hope your friend feels better.” Ralph tries to force food on Jimmy. After a few seconds, Ralph says that Jimmy can leave now. Jimmy does. Ralph is so happy that he got Jimmy to play at the ball. Alice says that she got Tommy to play and that she thought that Ralph talked him out of it. Ralph is upset. Ralph thinks things over. Ralph: “If one of them shows up first, the other one that shows up after that leaves.” Alice: “What if they show up simultaneously?” Ralph: “Then I leave. There will be blood all over the joint.”
At the ball, people are dancing while a band (which in the storyline at least, includes Jerry Patt and his pit) is playing. After that, a man (played by George Petrie), asks everyone to give them a hand. The man and a woman from the crowd conduct a drawing for a door prize by picking a number out of a fishbowl. The person, who has that number, wins a 21 inch mahogany TV set. Before that, the man asks everyone not to throw your hot dog rolls on the dance floor. The number is 122. Two people (Ralph Kramden and a character played by Frank Marth) say that they have the number. Frank’s character says that he is not a bus driver, but he got here because a friend of his is a bus driver. They both have a fight and Ralph “punches” him. Ralph finds out that his paper says 122 on it, but it is a hat check and not a ticket. Ralph apologizes. The man played by Frank Marth is identified as Jack Philbin. Gee, I wonder where they got THAT name. Jerry Patt and his pit play another song. People dance along.
Later on, Ralph is at his table. He gets told that Tommy has arrived with his band. Ralph goes backstage. Jimmy Dorsey arrives. Ed tries to get Jimmy out of there. Jimmy sees Tommy and wonders why he is up there. Ed, being stupid, says: “Hey Tommy, what are you doing?” Tommy wonders what Jimmy is doing. They both said that Ralph wanted them to play here. Since Tommy is here, Jimmy wants to leave. So does Tommy. Ralph comes out and seeing the Dorseys, tries to go away. Alice calls for Ralph to come back. Everyone is watching. Alice explains that they don’t want to play and she states the reason. Mr. Ferguson, the President of the Gotham Bus Company comes by. He has heard of them leaving the joint. If they do, they will ruin their dance. He is also beginning to think that all of this is all Ralph’s fault. If they leave, Ralph will have to leave with them. Because of the money and time spent for the dance, Ralph will be fired. Ralph blames the Dorseys for him getting fired. They will agree to play for Ralph. They also bury the hatchet because they were feuding over nothing. (They can’t remember why they hate each other.) Ralph says that when the Dorseys play, they are a riot. When they are single, they are a small riot. They Dorseys play music. Here comes the boring part for me at least. The first song sounds like “Hokey-Pokey” I can’t identify the song. After that, they play a slow dance song. The lights get turned off and everyone gets on the floor to dance. A spotlight shines on people. A singer from the band is shown with the spotlight as the camera does a close-up on him as he sings the lyrics. I think the song is “Ruby, It’s You.” After the song, the lights come back on. Another song that I can’t identify is played. Everyone is standing and clapping. Everyone makes room as Ed & Trixie dance. Soon after that, everyone makes room so Ralph can dance. Jackie Gleason shows off some of his usual dance moves. Some of which were used in “Mama Loves Mambo.” After that, Tommy plays another song that I can’t identify as the episode ends.
Credit I think goes to (the original) Bill's 'Mooners Archives, eBay.com, tv.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book, tvguide.com, honeymooners.net, Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD booklet, Wikipedia.org, Yahoo Groups You're A Riot! & Amazon.com.
Episode #53
DVD: Attached to “The Norton Interviews”, Radio versions of “Letter To The Boss” & “Love Letter”, “Additional Sketches & Commercials”, “Lost Episodes Story”, script to “Easter Hats” & “All About Trixie: Joyce Randolph Interview.”
Air Date: Sat.. 5/16/53
Even though on the DVD Box Set, it says that the script for “Missing Pair of Pants” is there, when you click on it, it’s the script for “Alice’s Birthday.” There is also another link to “Alice’s Birthday” entitled, of course, “Alice’s Birthday.” Looks like MPI struck out again…until they reissued the set later on.
The script for this episode is at UCLA Library Special Collections Box 109 Folder 13 Harry Crane Collection.
Thanks to ChrisTV for typing the whole script. For this review, I will copy and paste the whole script. I will insert a note or two.
Announcer
And now it's time for another visit with Ralph and Alice Kramden, better known to you as The Honeymooners. You know being married to Ralph is a constant challenge to Alice. She has to exert all her tact and diplomacy in coping with Ralph's unpredictable manner. Suppose we look in on Ralph and Alice and see how Alice deals with Ralph's mood of the moment.
[As travelers part camera holds on an establishing shot of the Kramden kitchen. Alice is discovered on. She has a jar of cheese spread which she is spreading on crackers which she places on plate. Trixie enters. She is carrying gift wrapped package.]
Trixie
Happy Birthday, Alice.
Alice
Thanks, Trixie.
[Trixie crosses to Alice and hugs her. As they break, Trixie extends gift to Alice.]
Trixie
Here, Alice, many happy returns.
Frank’s Note: Both of those girls hugging make me feel good if you know what I mean.
[Alice takes gift.]
Alice
You're very sweet, Trix. I'm dying to know what it is but I'll wait and open it when Ralph gets home.
Trixie
By the way, how many candles are you putting on your cake this year?
Alice
Twenty five.
Trixie
Alice, you mean you're only twenty five?
Alice
That's not what you asked me. And let’s change the subject.
[She crosses to bureau and puts gift on top of it.]
Trixie
Did Ralph give you his gift yet?
Alice
No, but it's going to be a nylon slip.
Trixie
You mean he told you what he's going to get you?
Alice
No, he doesn't even know about this himself yet. You see, Trixie, every year on my birthday Ralph forgets to buy me a present. He just never remembers. Well, tonight some of my friends are going to drop in. They do every birthday. And every year Ralph gets embarrassed when they start giving me their gifts and he doesn't have one for me. Well, to make sure that doesn't happen this time I phoned Jo Ann's lingerie shop and told them to send a nylon slip to me as Ralph's gift.
Trixie
Gee, you think of everything.
Alice
I even dictated a card for them to enclose. Does this sound romantic enough [reciting]... "To my darling Alice... I love you now and forever. This is just a little something from the man who adores you."
Trixie
Gee, Ralph is certainly romantic. He forgets to say the sweetest things!
Alice
Oh, by the way, Trix, I may need some extra glasses for tonight. Could I come up and borrow some?
Trixie
Well, I've only got six, but I don't know if you'd want to use them.
Alice
Why, what's wrong with them?
Trixie
On the bottom of each glass it says, "I'm a big girl. I drank all my milk." Ed got it by mistake, when he sent in a box top. He expected a space cadet helmet!
[As Alice chuckles the door opens and Ralph and Norton enter. They ad lib hellos.]
Ralph
Alice, I got to tell you what happened while I was driving the bus today. Now I've been driving a bus for twelve years, but what happened today tops everything. About four o'clock today I'm cruising along heading downtown. Well, all of a sudden I notice a kid in the bus. He was about five years old. He was running up and down the aisles, jumping on the seats, swinging the straps. So I turned to the kid and said, "Will you cut it out and sit with your mother?" and the kid said, "I can't. My mother got off the bus and left me here." Well, I figured it was an abandoned kid and that I'd turn him in at the depot at the end of the line. But as I stop at Kleins, the kid’s mother gets on and says to him, "Are you alright, Herbie?" Well, I get steamed and I turn to the lady and say, "You got a lot of nerve lady. What's the big idea of leaving your kid on the bus all afternoon?" and she said, "Where else can you get a baby sitter for a dime?"
[They laugh it up.]
Alice
Ralph, I have to go up to Trixie's. I'll be down in a minute.
Trixie [To Norton]
I'll have your dinner ready in a few minutes.
Norton
Did you get watermelon for dessert?
Trixie
Watermelon's not in season.
Norton
Don't give me that. That's what you've been telling me all winter.
[Trixie gives him a "You Poor Soul" take and leaves with Alice.]
Norton
You know Ralph, you were talking about the aggravations you get driving a bus all day. I work in a sewer. My job ain't no bed of roses either. Take last night, I was to quit at five. We'll I didn't get out of the sewer till eight thirty.
Ralph
Why? Did you have to work overtime?
Norton
No. I couldn't get out. Some jerk parked his car over the manhole!
Ralph
Norton, you are beautiful.
[Knock at door.]
Come in.
[Uniformed delivery boy enters with gift wrapped package.]
Boy
I got a package for Mrs. Kramden.
Ralph
I'm her husband. I'll take it.
[Ralph takes package. And fishes in his pocket.]
Norton, I haven't got any change on me. Take care of him.
[Norton reaches in his pocket and hands boy a coin. Boy looks at coin in his hand.]
Boy
A dime! I walked my feet off coming over here. What can I get with this?
Norton
Buy yourself a corn plaster!
[Boy reacts and leaves.]
Ralph
I wonder what this is. Its gift wrapped. It couldn't be….
[Ralph snaps fingers]
I forgot it again. Today is Alice's birthday. Norton you got to do me a favor. Run down to the candy store and get the biggest box of candy they got. You know with ribbons and everything. Then take it up to your place and I'll pretend I had it hidden up there all the time.
Norton
Okay but first I want to get a piece of fruit. I'm starved.
[As Norton crosses to ice box.]
Ralph
I wonder who sent her this package? Maybe it's from one of her girlfriends. Hey, there's a card here. I'll find out.
[There is a card in envelope tied to the ribbon. Ralph removes card. Scans it and his eyes bulge.]
Norton, get a load of this...[reading] "To my darling Alice... I love you now and forever. This is just a little something from the man who adores you." And it isn't signed!
Norton
It isn't signed, huh? Now you'll never know if it's from one of her girl friends or not!
Ralph
Norton, you are a mental case. Don't you realize what this means. There's another guy in Alice's life. [He paces a few steps.] I wonder who it could be... I'm with her every night. It must be someone she meets during the day. Now, who could it be?
Norton
Maybe its Charlie, the butcher. She sees him every day. I know how we can find out. Gimme the envelope.
Ralph [Exasperated]
How can you tell it's from the butcher by looking at the envelope.
Norton
Maybe the envelopes got sawdust in it!
Ralph
Norton, you got sawdust in your head... I wonder what this guy sent to my wife...
[Ralph rips package open eyes bulging as he peers into box.]
Norton
What is it, Ralph?
[Ralph extracts pink slip from box and comments.]
Ralph
It ain't lamb chops! Norton, this is a terrific blow to me. When I married Alice thirteen years ago I worked hard so I could give her everything in life. There are only two things a man lives for... his wife and his job. Your wife and your job have one thing in common. When you find a pink slip you're thru! The handwriting is on the wall. Norton, I'll move into the Y.M.C.A. tonight.
Norton
The Y.M.C.A. is a good place. If you make up with Alice you can move back here. If you don't you'll become a very good handball player.
[Noticing hors oeuvres, lifts one... examines it.]
Ralph
Hey, she made hors do’euvres. That means she's having some people over like she does every birthday... And if I'm right... The rat that sent this package will probably come over for some cheese and crackers! The Y.M.C.A. can wait. I'll stick around and expose this home wrecker. Now the first thing I'll do is hide this package.
[Ralph crosses to bureau puts gift in drawer.]
Norton
How are you going to expose him, Ralph?
Ralph
Very simple. He'll probably be here tonight. All I have to do is mention the words "I love you now and forever" and the one who reacts must be the guilty party.
Norton
What if that don't work?
Ralph
Then I'll use my ace in the hole... This card. [Extracts card]. I'll compare everybody's handwriting to this.
[Alice enters carrying several glasses.]
Alice
Oh Ed, Trixie told me to tell you dinner's on the table.
Norton
Thanks.
[Norton starts to leave. Stops and sympathetically gives Ralph a keep your chin up punch. He exits.]
Ralph
I notice you're wearing your best dress. Any special reason?
Alice
I know you always forget, Ralph, but today I'm one year older.
Ralph
Well, today I'm five years older.
Alice
Aren't you going to wish me a happy birthday?
Ralph [Sarcastically]
Happy Birthday!
[Alice with glasses in hands leans forward and puckers her lips. Ralph stands there with feet planted and ignores her.]
Alice [Puckering]
Ralph, I've got my lips puckered.
[She puckers them again.]
Ralph
You got your lips puckered, huh? Well, you can whistle Dixie!
[She sets glasses down on bureau.]
Alice
Ralph, what's eating you?
Ralph
Alice, What do you do all day?
Alice
What do you mean?
Ralph
What did you do today for instance?
Alice
Well, after I did the breakfast dishes, I made the bed, waxed the kitchen floor, washed your shirts, hung them on the roof, then I came down and washed the windows, mended your socks, went out to pay the gas bills, then I did the marketing, and when I came back I took your shirts down from the roof and ironed them.
Ralph [Challenging]
Yeah, but what did you do in your spare time!
Alice
What did I do in my spare time? I went down to the employment agency and interviewed butlers!
Ralph
One of the days... One of the days, Alice... Pow right in the kisser.
[Knock on the door.]
Alice
Ralph, I think some of our friends are here. Now stop acting stupid, and go in and change your jacket.
[Ralph goes into bedroom. Alice crosses to door and comments.]
Come in.
[The door opens and five people enter. Two women and three men. Two of the men are rather attractive and the third man is fat and an unlikely suspect. The people ad lib "Happy Birthdays" and "Helloes", and hand Alice presents and she thanks them.
First woman
Where's Ralph?
Alice
He'll be out in a minute. Help yourself to some hors do’euvres and I'll get you a cold drink.
First woman
Alice. You never seem to get a day older.
Alice
Thank you.
First woman
You now what they say… A woman carries her years so lightly because she loses so many on the way.
[They all laugh. Alice comes back from icebox with pitcher, and starts pouring drinks into glasses on bureau. They start sipping and eating some hors do’euvres and engage in small talk, as Ralph enters everybody adlibs helloes.]
Ralph [Down]
Hello everybody.
First man
Ralph; you certainly are a lucky guy to have a pretty wife like Alice.
Ralph [Suspiciously]
Think I got a pretty wife, Huh Frank? Can I speak to you for a minute alone?
First man
Sure Ralph.
[Frank crosses to Ralph. Others and Alice stay in group and engage in small talk. Ralph looks Frank up and down.
Ralph
So you think I got a pretty wife, huh?
[Ralph laughs like he's got Frank trapped.]
First man [Puzzled]
Yeah. I think you got a pretty wife.
[Ralph reaches into pocket pulls out card holds it away from Frank, to remind himself. Then puts it back in pocket.]
Ralph [Entre hous]
I love you now and forever.
[Frank reacts.]
Does that mean anything to you?
First man
Yeah. You're drunk.
[Ralph takes out card from pocket.]
Ralph
Frank have you got a pencil and paper on you?
First man
Yeah, why?
Ralph
I'd like you to write down your address for me.
First man
What do you want my address for? I live right in the next apartment.
Ralph [Stuttering]
Well... Um... Um... In case I ever move.
First man
Well, all right, if you want it.
[First man takes out pencil and pad and writes. Ralph turns away from man and taking card in one hand compares it with mans handwriting.]
Ralph [Chuckling]
Forget what I said Frank. Go over and have a drink... And oh... You can have your address back.
[Ralph hands back slip of paper back to first man. Man returns to group as he regards Ralph curiously.]
[Calling] Oh, George!
[The fat man in the group crosses to Ralph. Ralph looks him up and down sparingly.]
No… It couldn't be you. Forget it, George. Go back and dig into them hors do’euvres.
[George reacts, and goes back to group.]
[Calls] Oh, Henry, Can I see you for a minute?
Henry
Sure.
[Henry crosses over to Ralph.]
What can I do for you, Ralph?
Ralph
I just want to ask you a question. Um... What did you give Alice for her birthday?
Henry
Didn't it arrive yet? I didn't bring anything. I told the store to deliver it.
Ralph
Oh, so you're the one!
[Takes John L. Sullivan pose with fists clenched.]
Put up your dukes!
[Group reacts and turns]
Alice
Ralph, What are you doing?
Ralph
Stay out of this Alice. I'll prove to you who the better man is.
Henry
What's the matter with you Ralph?
Ralph
Put up your dukes! Now start fighting!
Henry
Well, if that's what you want Ralph.
[Henry gives Ralph a light tap in the face. Ralph instantly goes into pain bit… holding face. At the conclusion of pain bit, Henry speaks.]
I think I better go.
Women
I think we'd all better go.
[They ad lib goodbyes and exit.]
Alice
Ralph, have you gone out of your mind?
Ralph
I haven't gone out of my mind. But you've gone out of yours. You're in love with Henry Cidermann.
Alice [Puzzled]
In love with Henry Cidermann???
Ralph
Yeah and I can prove it.
[He storms over to bureau and pulls package out.]
This is the package that came for you while you were up at Trixie's. It's a pink slip. And he sent [Pulls card from pocket.] this card along with it. You want to hear what it says?
Alice
I'll tell you what it says... "To my darling Alice... I love you now and forever. This is just a little something from the man who adores you."
Ralph [Amazed]
How did you know what it said?
Alice
Because I sent the package. Ralph, you’ve never remembered my birthday since we've been married... And every year when people give me gifts, you get embarrassed because you didn't get me one. I bought this gift and had them enclose that card so you wouldn't be embarrassed... But instead you had to humiliate me.
[Alice sits down in kitchen chair. Music sneaks in. Ralph is lost for words.]
Ralph
Gee, Alice I certainly ruined your birthday. You're right I always do forget your birthday. But it's not because I don't love you. It's just that I'm... Uh... I guess I'm not very bright that's all. I'm sorry I acted like I did in front of our friends... But you know how I feel about you... And when I thought Henry Cidermann… Well, you know I'm jealous if anyone ever looks at you... I guess I'll take a walk.
Alice [Rising]
Ralph.
[Ralph turns]
I'm all puckered up.
Ralph
Baby, You're the greatest.
[Blackout.]
Episode #54
TV: Not seen since its original airdate.
DVD: Attached to “Honeymooners Christmas Party” (’52 version), “Glow Worm Cleaning”, “Alice Plays Cupid”, “Suspense”, “Lost Job”, “Anniversary Gift”, “Income Tax”,” “Alice’s Aunt Ethel”, “What’s Her Name”, “Lunch Box”, “Hot Tips”, “Norton Moves In”, “Ralph’s Diet”, “Dinner Guest” & “Manager of The Baseball Team” (’53 version).
Air Date: Sat. 5/23/53
The script for this episode is at UCLA Library Special Collections Box 109 Folder 15 Harry Crane Collection.
Trixie comes into the Kramden apartment with the phonograph with the record. Alice comes out dressed as a Mexican dancer. Trixie says that she will be the star of the Bus Driver’s Ball. Trixie puts the record on and Alice dances to the music. Ralph comes in and is surprised. He turns off the music. Alice wants to explain. Ralph: “Babaloo your way out of this.” An I Love Lucy reference. Alice explains. She mentions that Ralph is the head of the entertainment committee of the Bus Driver’s Ball. Ralph: “You are not laying any egg on any stage.” Alice: “My dance won’t lay an egg.” Ralph: “You are right; it will lay a Spanish omelet.” Trixie says that Alice is really very good. Ralph disagrees. Alice: “She was in show business.” Ralph: “There is a big difference between a stage and a runway.” Trixie: “Are you insisting that I was in burlesque?” Ralph: “If the shoe fits, take it off.” Trixie is upset. Ralph asks Alice for dinner. Alice: “You can get it yourself.” Ralph doesn’t like that. Ralph: “Since the beginning of time, it has been the man’s job to hunt the food and your job to prepare it.” Alice calls Ralph a caved-in caveman and dares Ralph to hit her over the head with a club. Ralph is even more upset. Alice: “Our wedding stopped a theatrical career for me. My family is talented. My mother could have been a great actress. She gave up a chance to appear in silent pictures but she gave it up to have a family.” Ralph: “Har har. The only reason why she didn’t appear in silent pictures was that she couldn’t keep silent.” Alice says that Ralph’s brother, Eddie is very untalented. Alice says that she will be in that show and be a big hit. A similar scene took place later in “Songs & Witty Sayings”/”Life Upon The Wicked Stage.”
Ed comes in. Ralph explains to Ed what happened. Ed tells that he met Trixie when he was an usher. Yet another story about how Ed met Trixie for the first time. Ralph didn’t mean to upset Trix and tells Ed to apologize on his behalf. Ralph is looking for entertainment. Ed offers his services. The only thing he can do is do an imitation of Times Square. Ed imitates cars driving and says things like: “Read all about it” as well as other quotes people yell when they are in that area. What talent. Ralph says that they got Tommy Dorsey for the dance. He will contact him to get him to appear for nothing. Ralph brings out Alice and explains that he is trying to get Tommy (but he doesn’t say his name) and if he can’t get him during his lunch hour, she is to call the musician’s union to get him.
The next day, Trixie comes by. Alice says that JIMMY Dorsey is coming over and explains what she did. Ralph comes home. Alice is preparing hors d’ourves. Ralph teases Trix about her burlesque background by horribly singing: “A Pretty Girl Is Like A Melody.” Trixie leaves. Ralph says that he contacted Dorsey and got him to come over tonight. Alice explains that she did the same thing. She says that she got JIMMY Dorsey. Ralph is upset. Ralph: “They hate each other.” Laughter is heard probably because in real-life, it wasn’t true. Tommy Dorsey comes in. They introduce each other. Tommy says that the people will react favorably due to the changes in music that were going on. Ralph tries to get Tommy to leave. Alice: “That must be Jimmy.” Ralph: “Jimmy Holfsetter.” Ralph says that Tommy better go in the bedroom because Jimmy got a disease. Tommy does. Ed comes in. Ed: “Trixie says that Ed Jimmy Dorsey is coming over.” Ralph says that Tommy is in the bedroom. Ed: “Tommy can sleep in the kitchen.” Tom comes out and introduces Tom to “Jimmy.” Ed doesn’t know what is going on but he asks Tom to sign a few autographs for people he knows in the sewer (Bill and Harold). He also asks him to sign an autograph for Herman and have it signed from Joe DiMaggio since he hates music but loves baseball. Ha!
A knock on the door is heard. Ralph asks Ed to go in the bedroom with Tom. They do. Ralph asks Alice to talk to Tommy in the bedroom. She does. Jimmy Dorsey comes in. Ralph explains that the bus drivers are running a dance and asks him to appear. Jimmy says that Alice already explained it to him and he says that he and his band think that it is a great idea. Jimmy says that he and his band need to rehearse. Alice comes out and says that he (meaning Tom) has agreed to appear. Alice goes to get Tommy Dorsey while Ralph tries to get Tommy to look outside the window so Tommy wouldn’t see him. Tommy comes out with Alice & Ed. Ralph says that the person looking out the window is sick. Tommy leaves. Ed: “I’ll walk him to the subway. I hope your friend feels better.” Ralph tries to force food on Jimmy. After a few seconds, Ralph says that Jimmy can leave now. Jimmy does. Ralph is so happy that he got Jimmy to play at the ball. Alice says that she got Tommy to play and that she thought that Ralph talked him out of it. Ralph is upset. Ralph thinks things over. Ralph: “If one of them shows up first, the other one that shows up after that leaves.” Alice: “What if they show up simultaneously?” Ralph: “Then I leave. There will be blood all over the joint.”
At the ball, people are dancing while a band (which in the storyline at least, includes Jerry Patt and his pit) is playing. After that, a man (played by George Petrie), asks everyone to give them a hand. The man and a woman from the crowd conduct a drawing for a door prize by picking a number out of a fishbowl. The person, who has that number, wins a 21 inch mahogany TV set. Before that, the man asks everyone not to throw your hot dog rolls on the dance floor. The number is 122. Two people (Ralph Kramden and a character played by Frank Marth) say that they have the number. Frank’s character says that he is not a bus driver, but he got here because a friend of his is a bus driver. They both have a fight and Ralph “punches” him. Ralph finds out that his paper says 122 on it, but it is a hat check and not a ticket. Ralph apologizes. The man played by Frank Marth is identified as Jack Philbin. Gee, I wonder where they got THAT name. Jerry Patt and his pit play another song. People dance along.
Later on, Ralph is at his table. He gets told that Tommy has arrived with his band. Ralph goes backstage. Jimmy Dorsey arrives. Ed tries to get Jimmy out of there. Jimmy sees Tommy and wonders why he is up there. Ed, being stupid, says: “Hey Tommy, what are you doing?” Tommy wonders what Jimmy is doing. They both said that Ralph wanted them to play here. Since Tommy is here, Jimmy wants to leave. So does Tommy. Ralph comes out and seeing the Dorseys, tries to go away. Alice calls for Ralph to come back. Everyone is watching. Alice explains that they don’t want to play and she states the reason. Mr. Ferguson, the President of the Gotham Bus Company comes by. He has heard of them leaving the joint. If they do, they will ruin their dance. He is also beginning to think that all of this is all Ralph’s fault. If they leave, Ralph will have to leave with them. Because of the money and time spent for the dance, Ralph will be fired. Ralph blames the Dorseys for him getting fired. They will agree to play for Ralph. They also bury the hatchet because they were feuding over nothing. (They can’t remember why they hate each other.) Ralph says that when the Dorseys play, they are a riot. When they are single, they are a small riot. They Dorseys play music. Here comes the boring part for me at least. The first song sounds like “Hokey-Pokey” I can’t identify the song. After that, they play a slow dance song. The lights get turned off and everyone gets on the floor to dance. A spotlight shines on people. A singer from the band is shown with the spotlight as the camera does a close-up on him as he sings the lyrics. I think the song is “Ruby, It’s You.” After the song, the lights come back on. Another song that I can’t identify is played. Everyone is standing and clapping. Everyone makes room as Ed & Trixie dance. Soon after that, everyone makes room so Ralph can dance. Jackie Gleason shows off some of his usual dance moves. Some of which were used in “Mama Loves Mambo.” After that, Tommy plays another song that I can’t identify as the episode ends.
Credit I think goes to (the original) Bill's 'Mooners Archives, eBay.com, tv.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book, tvguide.com, honeymooners.net, Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD booklet, Wikipedia.org, Yahoo Groups You're A Riot! & Amazon.com.