Here it is, the second season! I drew each character again, for a slightly new look. Also Bernie Boswell and Mindy Dalton have been added to the cast.

ISSUE #11. Sea of Soda

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck (32 years-old)
Professor Tincher (46 years-old)
Katie Collins (22 years-old)
Mickey Tork (21 years-old)
Bernie Boswell (21 years-old)
Mindy Dalton (31 years-old)

Btw, Tincher is not really smaller than Adam. It's just the size of the pictures is all messed up when I posted them.

Guest Starring:
Big K alias Dylan Stephens

ISSUE #11. Sea of Soda

Originally Released on April 13th, 2014

And Now Our Magnificent Story…

It’s another day at Kroger 717. Adam Hauck enters the store. He heads back to the office, but sees Professor Tincher over by the frozen food aisles. It’s been a week since the two men have seen each other.

Adam Hauck: Professor, I’m back!

Professor Tincher: Adam, it’s good to see you again. How was your vacation?

Adam Hauck: Kinda boring. I guess when you spend your days battling super villains and rescuing people, being away from all that for a week makes your life seem pointless. I’m glad to be back. That’s something I never thought I would ever say about work.

Professor Tincher: Well 717 is a special kind of workplace.

Adam Hauck: So has anything changed since I left?

Professor Tincher: Yes. Everybody here is… one week older.

Adam Hauck: (fake laughs) Okay fine. Nothing happened.

Professor Tincher: I hired a new cashier. That’s about it.

Adam Hauck: Is it a girl? Could she be my future wife?

Professor Tincher: It *is* a girl, and she *could* be your future wife. She’s about your age. What about Katie? Aren’t you still passionately in love with her?

Adam Hauck: No. I want you to know that I am over Katie Collins.

Professor Tincher: You are? You’ve finally moved on, huh?

Adam Hauck: Yep. I’m no longer in love with her. I’m at a point now where I realize we don’t have to get married and spend the rest of our life together. I can be her co-worker and her friend, and I’m fine with being just that.

Katie walks by.

Katie Collins: Hi, Adam.

Adam Hauck: Hi, Katie.

She leaves. Adam turns to the Professor.

Adam Hauck: Forget what I said. I’m in love with her and I gotta have her!

Professor Tincher: And we’re back. Well look, to change the subject, I did a little work on your Masked Bagger outfit.

Adam Hauck: You gave me a bigger cod piece?

Professor Tincher: You don’t even wear a cod piece.

Adam Hauck: And don’t think they don’t know that. They aim for it, ya know!

Professor Tincher: I added a nametag to your jacket. Also, you no longer have to keep your cart strap rolled up in your pocket. I have it inside your sleeve. It’s snap activated. You snap your fingers and it shoots out. Don’t start thinking your Spider-Man or anything. I just noticed you’ve been kind of slow in the past at getting it out and unrolling it.

Adam Hauck: That’s what *she* said! Ha-ha, get it?

Professor Tincher: I get it and I’m ignoring it. Okay, finally, I got you a morpher.

Tincher takes out the morpher and shows Adam, who’s impressed.

Adam Hauck: You got me a morpher? This is so exciting!

Professor Tincher: Yeah, it came in a McDonald’s Happy Meal. I know you’re a “Power Rangers” fan. I personally never saw the appeal of that show, but whatever.

Adam Hauck: Oh, it’s a toy?

Professor Tincher: Yeah. You didn’t think I created a real life morpher for you to use, did you?

Adam Hauck: You can clone me and invent time travel, but I still have to change clothes like a (disgusted) common person!

CUT TO: Dylan Stephens, a 30-year-old grocery clerk is in the break room looking at his Big K costume he has to wear, and is unhappy.

Dylan Stephens: I can’t believe I have to wear this. My girlfriendless streak will continue!

Mickey Tork enters.

Mickey Tork: Hey, Dylan. What’s up?

Dylan Stephens: Mickey! How would you like to dress up as the Big K mascot and put on a show for the customers?

Mickey Tork: Tempting but no. I still have my pride. Hey, what about Bernie? He’s pride-less.

Dylan Stephens: Nope. He was the first one I asked. This is terrible.

Mickey Tork: Oh come on. It’s not that bad. Have some fun with it.

Dylan Stephens: Don’t tell me what to do, Mick.

Mickey Tork: Sorry?

Dylan Stephens: Apology not accepted.

Mickey Tork: (sarcastically) Whatever will I do now?

Dylan Stephens: Look, I’m on edge. I have to go out there and make a fool of myself wearing this stupid costume.

Mickey Tork: I hear ya. You’d never catch me in a stupid costume. Of couse, I know how to say no to Mr. Tincher.

Dylan Stephens: It wasn’t Tincher who told me to wear this. It was Ferguson.

Mickey Tork: Oh yeah. Sometimes I forget we have co-managers.

CUT TO: Mindy Dalton (previously seen in issue #8) is now a cashier at 717. She’s checking out a customer, while Bernie Boswell has been called up front to bag. He’s at her register. The customer is grouchy. So in other words, he’s being a customer!

Customer: Hey wait, girlie. That was supposed to be on sale for $4.99!

Mindy Dalton: Oh, I’m sorry. Bernie could you do a price check?

Bernie Boswell: I don’t need to. I bought one of those earlier. He’s right. It’s $4.99 not $11.99.

Customer: See?

Mindy Dalton: Okay, I’ll fix it.

Customer: I get that item for free now - the scan right guarantee.

Mindy Dalton: Okay, let me just check with the front end manager first.

Customer: You don’t have to check. I get it free. What kind of a crappy store are you running here?

Bernie Boswell: Sure, you talk tough to a lady, but say that to ME!

Customer: (to Bernie) What kind of a crappy store are you running here?

Bernie Boswell: (nervous) Oh, so you just do what anybody tells you to, huh?

Customer: That’s it! I am officially ticked! I’m gonna beat you up now!

Bernie looks afraid. Luckily, Masked Bagger was making his rounds and spotted this. He walks over to the register.

Bernie Boswell: This guy has been a total creep to Mindy and me.

The 717 Guardian looks at Mindy. He smiles and extends his arm for a handshake.

Masked Bagger: Hello. You must be new. I’m Masked Bagger. I protect this store from bad guys, be it ones with super powers or just jerks, like this guy.

Mindy Dalton: Hi, Masked Bagger. I’m Mindy Dalton.

They shake hands.

Bernie Boswell: Hello! There’s a situation here!

Masked Bagger: (to customer) Get lost before I bag you, put you in a cart, and wheel you outta here!

Customer: Is this how you talk to all your customers?

Masked Bagger: No. Just the ones I bag, put in a cart, and wheel outta here. Now do like the title of Michael Jackson’s song and beat it!

The customer looks upset but also a little scared. He walks away. Bernie smiles and turns to the departing customer.

Bernie Boswell: Masked Bagger just mentioned a Michael Jackson song. I’ve got a better one… hit the road, Jack, and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more… Ray Charles!

Masked Bagger: You like Ray Charles?

Bernie Boswell: Of course.

Masked Bagger: You may be cooler than I give you credit for.

Bernie Boswell: Thanks, and my favorite TV show is “Two and a Half Men.”

Masked Bagger: I take it back.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher and Dylan Stephens are in the backroom. Dylan has his Big K costume on.

Professor Tincher: Okay, so your left arm is hooked up to the pack of Big K cans with various flavors. Squeeze the gizmo in your hand and it will send the can from your back, through the tube on your arm and end up in your hand... if you catch it, that is. Your right arm is hooked up to the tank on your back, which dispenses the orange pop. We’ll have cups on a table and the customers can watch as you pour the drink into the cups.

Dylan Stephens: Yeah, let’s hope people are gonna want to drink fluids that come out of my hand.

Professor Tincher: I know this is ridiculous, but we have to do something to boost Big K sales. The outfit was Ferguson’s idea, although I had to design it myself. You’re fine with this, aren’t you?

Dylan Stephens: No, I’m not! I’m gonna be the biggest fool in the store!

Professor Tincher: Oh please. Not while Bernie Boswell works here.

The Professor walks away. Dylan is hot from the suit and decides to step outside. Once he’s out there cooling off, he tries out the pop dispenser. He squeezes the gizmo in his hand and a can of Big K Root Beer shoots through the tube in his arm, past his hand, and falls to the ground. Dylan was unable to catch it.

Dylan Stephens: Yep, the store’s biggest fool!

Just then a trash truck speeds by and crashes. Dylan goes to check it out. He opens the door and a guy - looking ill - gets out.

Dylan Stephens: Are you okay?

Man: No! Neither are you! You’ve been exposed to radiation!

The man runs off, leaving behind his truck. Dylan starts to feel weird. He passes out. As he lays on the ground, the outfit mutates into his skin. The tubes on his arms seep through, becoming a part of his body. He starts shaking uncontrollably for a few seconds. Suddenly he stops, opens his eyes, feeling fizzy, pop bursts out of his mouth. He then passes out again.

CUT TO: Adam is taking his break in the basement lab. Professor Tincher enters, holding a box.

Professor Tincher: To celebrate your one year anniversary of defending our store, I’m starting to sell Masked Bagger merchandise.

Adam Hauck: Cool, but my one year anniversary was two months ago.

Professor Tincher: I know but most of this stuff wasn’t ready then.

Adam Hauck: Well watcha got?

Professor Tincher: We’ve got coloring books, band-aids, pizza sauce, a lunch box, and my personal favorite, a Masked Bagger pull string doll.

Tincher reveals the doll and hands it to Adam.

Professor Tincher: Go ahead. Pull his string!

Adam does.

Masked Bagger Doll: (in Christian Bale’s Batman voice) “It’s not who I am underneath but what I do that defines me. A hero can be anyone. Even a man doing something as simple and reassuring as putting a coat around a young boy’s shoulders to let him know the world hadn’t ended. “

Adam Hauck: That’s Christian Bale’s Batman voice! Not to mention it’s a freaking monologue!

Professor Tincher: I know. I wanted to have this done by the time you came back so I couldn’t ask you to provide the voice, and also I wanted it to be a surprise. I don’t have any recordings of you, so I went with this.

Adam Hauck: Look, if any Batman is gonna represent me, it’s gonna be Michael Keaton… or at least Adam West.

Professor Tincher: Calm down. This is just the prototype. I’ll have you record your own voice. I wanted to have these on sale soon, but I had no idea how long it takes toy manufacturers to make toys, so I’ll have them available for your second anniversary… or two months after.

CUT TO: Big K, 717’s newest villain, is pacing back and forth in the back hallway. No one else is around.

Big K: I hate this store! I hate the employees! I hate the customers. If there was some way to destroy all of those at once.

Big K ponders what to do for a moment. Then it hits him.

Big K: I’ll flood this store full of soda! That’ll really mess this place up, and hopefully take a few lives as well. Of course this means I’ll have to battle Masked Bagger but I’m sure to succeed where Pineapple-Man, Powder, Meat-Man and Cartastrophe have failed. If anyone can do it… I can!

CUT TO: Adam is up front bagging for Mindy. She turns to him and smiles. This makes him nervous (but in a good way).

Mindy Dalton: Hi, we haven’t officially met.

Adam Hauck: Yeah we have. Earlier when that customer was…

Adam remembers that he was Masked Bagger when they met.

Adam Hauck: Oh, uh, I guess you’re right. I saw you earlier but hadn’t introduced myself.

Mindy Dalton: I’m Mindy. This is the start of my second week here.

Adam Hauck: I’m Adam. This is the start of my second year, well at this store. I’ve worked for another Kroger before coming here.

Mindy Dalton: Cool.

Adam Hauck: Yeah.

Just then an announcement is made over the intercom.

Intercom Voice: Masked Bagger is needed in the pop aisle. Masked Bagger is needed in the pop aisle.

Mindy looks in the other direction for a moment, thinking she had a customer. When she turns back to chat some more with Adam, he’s gone. She looks over and sees Masked Bagger - guardian of 717 - running out of the bagger’s closet and headed for the pop aisle.

Mindy Dalton: Go Masked Bagger. Go!

The hero stops and turns to her.

Masked Bagger: Thanks.

Mindy Dalton: Well don’t stall. Go!

Masked Bagger: Right!

He runs to the pop aisle.

CUT TO: Big K is proudly standing in the pop aisle. Masked Bagger walks up to him.

Big K: Well, well, the magnificent Masked Bagger! I’m honored that you would come over here to meet me.

Masked Bagger: You were causing trouble. What else was I supposed to do? So, what’s with the getup?

Big K: I am Big K, Kroger’s only soda villain!

Masked Bagger: I know you’re Dylan Stephens!

Big K: I’m not hiding that fact, but I’m a super villain now! Gotta have a name change.

Masked Bagger: Well that’s fine but c’mon. It’s pop, not soda.

Big K: Are you insane? It’s soda.

Masked Bagger: Pop! All my life, I’ve called it pop.

Big K: Good for you, but all MY life, I’ve called it soda.

A mother and her 5-year-old son walk past.

Son: Mommy, why are those two men wearing masks and fighting over pop and soda?

Mom: Because they’re morons, son.

Big K: (to the mom) Have some soda!

He sprays orange soda out of his right hand and douses the woman. She’s mad but grabs her son’s hand and hurries off. Big K turns to Masked Bagger.

Big K: Have a can of SODA!

He shoots a can at the 717 Guardian, which hits him on his chest.

Masked Bagger: You see, that can made a pop sound as it hit me. Another reason why it’s called pop!

Big K: I hate you!

Masked Bagger takes out his bag-gun and aims it at the villain. A pop can, which was discharged from Big K, knocks the bag-gun out of our hero’s hand, and it lands on the floor and breaks.

Masked Bagger: I really need a more durable bag-gun!

Big K: I’m going to flood this store with soda, and there’s nothing you can do about it!

He runs off. Masked Bagger stands there.

Masked Bagger: Oh no. He’s going to flood this store with… POP!!!

CUT TO: Professor Tincher and Masked Bagger are in the Kroger attic.

Professor Tincher: Okay, I’ve sealed off the basement. So no pop will make its way down there.

Masked Bagger: Exactly. No POP will make its way down there!

Professor Tincher: Yes. Okay, this is a big moment for me. Little over one year ago, I introduced you to the Bagger-Mobile. Today, I have something new. It’s your Bagger-Submarine!

A submarine with wheels on the bottom rolls out in sight of the two men by remote control.

Masked Bagger: A submarine? Why not just a boat?

Professor Tincher: Exactly. *Just* a boat! That’s why I went for the big dog. I mean, I also built a boat. I figure one day you’ll have to battle a seafood villain and with that may come water. They’ll come in handy now if Big K is really going to flood the building. I’ll put missiles in the sub and you can shoot them at the doors, opening them and freeing the store from the pop.

Masked Bagger: Sounds good.

Professor Tincher: Honestly, I don’t know how Big K will be able to do it, though, unless he enlists the help of the rotten Scrominian Rebels!

Masked Bagger: Scrominian Rebels?

Professor Tincher: You know the Scrominians. That alien race that builds things super fast. I’ve told you about them before.

Masked Bagger: Oh yeah.

CUT TO: Big K stands around the back room.

Big K: I have to figure out a way to flood this store. It won’t be as simple as just opening all the bottles and cans of soda, and pouring them on the floor.

He thinks for a moment and then snaps his fingers.

Big K: I’ve go it! I’ll get in touch with the Scrominian Rebels. Their speed for building will come in handy, since I want to have this place destroyed tomorrow! They’ll help me with a contraption to spew soda everywhere. Of course, I’ll still take the credit as if I did the whole thing myself. I love being a villain!

CUT TO: The next day. Bernie Boswell and Mickey Tork are walking through the store. Pop is being poured onto the floor. Mickey slips and falls.

Bernie Boswell: Are you okay?

Mickey Tork: Yeah, I’m Fine.

Bernie Boswell: Is it too soon to start laughing about it?

Mickey Tork: Shut up. What’s with all this pop on the floor? I’ve got to get a jug of Spill Magic.

Bernie spots a tidal wave of pop headed for them.

Bernie Boswell: Uh, you may need more than just a jug of it. Look!

He points, and Mickey looks. The tidal wave hits and carries them away. There are screams throughout the entire store.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is standing next to the submarine, which is sitting on the floor and not yet covered with pop. He spots Katie looking scared, and calls for her.

Masked Bagger: Katie, come here!

Katie runs over to the Bagger-Submarine. So does Mindy. They both get inside.

Masked Bagger: Don’t take this the wrong way, Mindy. You’re totally welcome here, but I called for Katie.

Mindy Dalton: Oh, I thought you said “Cutie, come here!”

Masked Bagger: Well someone has a high opinion of herself.

Mindy Dalton: Are you saying I’m not cute?

Masked Bagger: No, no. You’re very cute. Both of you stay seated.

Katie Collins: Duh, we’ll stay seated. This is a very tiny space. There’s no room for us to get up and walk around.

Mindy Dalton: Don’t talk to the Guardian like that!

Katie Collins: I’ll talk to him any way I want, newbie!

Mindy Dalton: Not while I’m here, oldbie!

Masked Bagger: Hey! As much as I would love you both to fight over me, now is not the time. I have to focus on driving this thing.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher is helping all the people in the store to the attic where he has a ladder set up by the window for everybody to escape the building with. A woman named Sophie and her two young children are next for the ladder.

Professor Tincher: I’m sorry but you can only bring one child with you. You need to make a choice.

Sophie: What!?!

Professor Tincher: Just kidding! I’m trying to keep the mood light.

She slaps him in the face.

Professor Tincher: Yeah, I deserved that.

The people continue to enter the attic and the Professor helps them.

CUT TO: Inside the submarine. Masked Bagger, Katie and Mindy are just sitting there.

Mindy Dalton: Hey Katie, how’s your sex life?

Katie Collins: Couldn’t be better!

Masked Bagger: What’s say we don’t talk about this!

Katie Collins: Why not?

Masked Bagger: I’ve got to focus on driving. Sex talk will get me distracted. Besides, it’s not very lady-like to talk about such stuff.

Mindy Dalton: How about we talk about the cute guys of the store?

Katie Collins: Well no one can compare to my Austin, but okay. We can chat about this.

Mindy Dalton: Mickey Tork?

Katie Collins: Mickey is definitely cute. He’s my boy. We’ve been friends for years now.

Mindy Dalton: I agree he’s cute. Bernie?

The girls both laugh.

Masked Bagger: (to Katie) So what do you think of Adam Hauck?

Katie Collins: He’s okay. We’re friends but he’s too weird and not that attractive-looking for me to ever take seriously as someone I’d want for a boyfriend, even though he loves me.

Mindy Dalton: That’s mean! He’s not that weird and I think he’s kinda cute.

Masked Bagger: I agree with Mindy.

Katie Collins: Well then why don’t the both of you date him?

Mindy Dalton: Well I’m not looking for a relationship right now.

Masked Bagger: Yeah, and if I date him, people will talk. For more reasons than one!

CUT TO: All the customers and employees have exited the building via the attic. Realizing he didn’t put any missiles in the Bagger-Submarine, Professor Tincher holds his breath and jumps into the sea of soda. He swims all the way to the front end of the store and approaches the doors. It takes him a few seconds because the lock is jammed, but he finally unlocks it and opens the doors. The pop pours outside and takes Tincher with it.

CUT TO: The pop has gone down and now is just below the top of the submarine. Masked Bagger opens the door, which is on top, and gets out. He closes the door back and stands on top of the submarine. Big K is standing on top of the pop shelving.

Masked Bagger: Give it up, Big K. You’ve lost.

Big K: I haven’t lost. The store is being drained. It’s a momentary setback. I’ll still win.

Big K extends his left arm and shoots out a pop can that hits Masked Bagger on his chest. Our hero starts to lose his balance. Big K then shoots another can, which hits Masked Bagger, causing him to fall backwards. There’s a splash as he falls into the sea of soda. Our precious, handsome hero swims over to the pop shelving and starts to climb up it. Soon, he’s above the pop and is standing in front of the enemy.

Masked Bagger: That all you got?

Big K quickly sprays Masked Bagger with the orange soda and then with his other hand, shoots out another pop can, hitting the hero in the face. He falls back but is still on the shelving. Big K laughs.

Big K: All this winning is making me thirsty.

Big K then raises his right arm and sprays some orange soda up in the air. He opens his mouth and catches the beverage when it comes down, but then coughs.

Big K: (raspy) Soda! Wrong pipe!

Masked Bagger takes this moment to reach for his new bag-gun, aim it at Big K, and then pull the trigger. A giant Kroger bag wraps around the villain, capturing him.

Masked Bagger: It’s called pop!

He looks back at the submarine, and both Katie and Mindy have their head sticking out, watching.

Masked Bagger: Don’t worry ladies. Everything is under control now.

Katie Collins: My hero!

Masked Bagger: (quietly to himself) Yeah, you say that now. Wait ‘til I take my mask off and then I’m just a weird, ugly guy not worthy of your love.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher enters the basement lab and finds Adam standing alone, crying.

Professor Tincher: Adam, are you okay?

Adam Hauck: (sniffles) Uh, yeah. I’m fine.

Professor Tincher: You’re not crying are you? Because that would turn this into Spider-Man 3, and no one needs that.

Adam Hauck: I was just thinking about Katie, which got me thinking about all the girls I’ve liked over the years that didn’t like me back. I mean, I’m a nice guy. I’d make a good boyfriend, right?

Professor Tincher: Of course you would. You’re a great guy. If I were a young lady, I’d… well I don’t think I should finish that sentence.

Adam Hauck: I can imagine where it was gonna go, and thanks.

Professor Tincher: I have a confession to make. Remember when you first came to 717 and I told you I chose you at random?

Adam Hauck: Yeah.

Professor Tincher: That was a lie. I researched all the employees at your store and you were by far the best person to bring here. There is so much more to you than even YOU know. If a girl doesn’t want to be with you, then it’s HER loss.

Adam Hauck: No, it’s not. It’s still my loss because I want a woman’s love so much and am being deprived of it.

Professor Tincher: What about Mindy? Is she a possibility?

Adam Hauck: Actually she is. She’s definitely gorgeous and really nice. I just might pursue her. I still wanna be sad about Katie for a little bit, though. I owe my love for her that much.

Professor Tincher: Very well.

CUT TO: The store is drained of all the pop, however, the walls and floor are super sticky. Professor Tincher and Mickey Tork stand around, looking at the place in disgust.

Professor Tincher: Well, Mickey, you’re the cleaner. I need this whole place spotless and sticky-free by tomorrow. So things don’t get too boring, I’ve invited Bernie to stay here and serenade you.

Bernie walks over, clears his throat and begins to sing.

Bernie Boswell: (singing) I’ve got the world on a string, sitting on a rainbow…

(Frank Sinatra's version of "I've Got the World on a String") https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cPG1t52GgI

Mickey Tork: I quit.

Professor Tincher: Relax, ha-ha. I’ve hired the Scrominians to come in and clean the place. I was just messing with you.

Mickey Tork: Okay, that’s more like it.

Mindy walks past them.

Mindy Dalton: I’ll see you all tomorrow.

Professor Tincher: Okay, bye Mindy.

Mickey Tork: I’ll see ya, Tincher. I’ve gotta chit chat with the extremely hot Mindy Dalton!

He runs off.

Bernie Boswell: Eh, she’s no Debbie Garfield.

Professor Tincher stands there, beginning to wonder if Adam is going to have competition for Mindy Dalton.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

ISSUE #12. Resurrections, Rivalries & Retail-Red

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Mickey Tork
Bernie Boswell
Mindy Dalton

Guest Starring:
The Powder [pictured below]
Zombie M.B. [pictured below]
Heaven Clerk [pictured below]

ISSUE #12. Resurrections, Rivalries & Retail-Red

Originally Released on July 25th, 2014

And Now Our Story…

MAY 28th, 2014: Adam enters the store. He spots Mindy at her register where she has a customer. He takes a deep breath and heads her way. Before he reaches his destination, Mickey swoops in from seemingly nowhere and begins to bag the order. She looks at Mickey and smiles.

Mindy Dalton: How’s it going?

Mickey Tork: Things are good. You?

Mindy Dalton: I’m fine.

Mickey Tork: That’s awesome.

Frustrated, Adam heads to the front desk and grabs the phone. He makes a page on the intercom.

Adam on Intercom: Clean-up all the way over in the wine aisle. I repeat, clean-up in the wine aisle.

Mickey Tork: (to Mindy) Ugh, that’s me. I gotta do a clean-up. I’ll chat with you later, okay?

Mindy Dalton: Sure.

Mickey walks off. Adam swoops in and replaces him. Mindy notices Adam and smiles at him.

Mindy Dalton: Hi, Adam.

Adam Hauck: Why hello there, Mindy.

CUT TO: Mickey is in the cleaning center on the back dock. The Spill Magic jug is empty, so he grabs the box and begins scooping some into the jug. The absorbent powder begins to rustle around on its own. Mickey looks down and sees this. It freaks him out but only for a second before the powder shoots up out of the box. The Powder (a villain from a previous episode) forms from the Spill Magic. Around him are five other people being formed from Spill Magic. Once Powder is fully formed, he looks down at his hands, smiles and says…

The Powder: I did it. I’m back.

He looks at Mickey.

The Powder: You there. What’s the date today?

Mickey Tork: May 28th.

The Powder: So it’s the same day. I’ve regenerated myself in less than twenty-four hours!

Mickey Tork: I remember seeing you before, but that was last year.

The Powder: What year is this?

Mickey Tork: 2014.

The Powder: Okay, so it took me a little longer than half a day, but nevertheless, I’m back!!! Look out Kroger… The Powder has returned…

He looks back at the five Spill Magic people.

The Powder: And I’ve brought an army of Spill Magic Zombies!

CUT TO: Professor Tincher is sitting at his desk in his office. Adam Hauck enters with some news for his boss.

Adam Hauck: Professor, I have news for you and I don’t know how you’re gonna take it.

Professor Tincher: Well go ahead, Adam. What is it?

Adam Hauck: Do you remember Bailey Moore? He was your step-son and went missing for like six years. Then he reappeared as a super villain known as The Powder last year. He killed my clone, M.B. and created a big Spill Magic snowfall with the intention of wiping out everyone in the store, but instead perished in front of our eyes?

Professor Tincher: (sarcastically) Kind of.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, he’s back.

Professor Tincher: What? How do you know?

Adam Hauck: Mickey saw him and told me. Apparently he’s not alone this time. There were five other Spill Magic people with him. Including M.B.

Professor Tincher: M.B.? This makes no sense. Unless…

Adam Hauck: What?

Professor Tincher: All those people Powder killed in the past didn’t actually die. They were transformed into powder people, which makes one assume they’re evil now as well.

Adam Hauck: There’s going to be a big battle tonight. I can feel it.

CUT TO: It’s now June 28th, 2014 - in other words, a month later. Adam and Professor Tincher are in Tincher’s office.

Adam Hauck: There’s going to be a big battle tonight. I can feel it.

Professor Tincher: Adam, you’ve said that every night for an entire month. There has yet to be a battle.

Adam Hauck: Yes, I’m always proven to be wrong. So by coming in here and declaring that, I’m assuring that it won’t happen.

Suddenly, Mindy Dalton barges in.

Mindy Dalton: Mr. Tincher, come quick! There’s a big battle going on up front!

Adam Hauck: You just had to make me say it, Professor!

Professor Tincher: Adam, why don’t you stay here and contact Masked Bagger? We may need his help!

Tincher and Mindy run out of the office, headed for the front end.

CUT TO: The break room. Bernie Boswell is sitting at a table, writing ideas down for a book. Katie Collins enters. He looks up at her.

Bernie Boswell: Katie, you won’t believe it.

Katie Collins: What?

Bernie Boswell: I’m writing an autobiography.

Katie Collins: It’s not that I don’t believe it. It’s just that I don’t care about it.

Bernie Boswell: I’ve led an interesting life… don’t you think?

Katie Collins: Imma say no to that.

Bernie Boswell: (insulted) Oh really? And just who do you think has a more interesting life to write about… Adam Hauck? His life is dullsville!

CUT TO: Adam Hauck - now dressed as his alter ego Masked Bagger - runs up front to find the Spill Magic Zombies. When he arrives, he sees Mindy Dalton and Professor Tincher facing a firing squad of the zombies with their arms extended, ready to shoot the powder onto their tied-up victims.

The Powder: (to the zombies) First the girl, then dad! Ready… aim… powder!!!

The five Spill Magic Zombies shoot out their powder at Mindy. Masked Bagger runs as fast as he can but he’s not fast enough. Mindy drops to the floor as she is covered in the Spill Magic.

Masked Bagger: Nooo!!!

The zombies turn around and spot our magnificent masked hero. He runs over and punches one in the face. The other four circle around the 717 Guardian. Masked Bagger raises his right arm and snaps his fingers. The cart strap is ejected from his sleeve and he catches it, twirls it around a few times above their heads before lowering it, slamming it into each zombie in the circle. Whenever a zombie is struck, their body splits apart. However, moments later, it all reconnects and reforms. So it’s going to take more than just hitting one to destroy it. Masked Bagger looks at Mindy and she’s still alive. He’s confused.

Professor Tincher: Amazing! These Spill Magic Zombies must not have the poisonous Spill Magic that Powder has!

The Powder: What? This seriously hurts my plans!

While the zombies are re-forming, Masked Bagger runs over to Mindy and unties her.

Masked Bagger: Are you okay?

Mindy Dalton: Yes.

Masked Bagger: Okay, get out of here before they’re back.

Mindy gets up and runs off. Our hero then turns to Professor Tincher and unties him.

Professor Tincher: Thanks, Bagger.

The Powder: UGH!!! This isn’t over you masked freak!

Masked Bagger: You’re all blue and made up of an absorbent powder, yet *I’m* the freak? See where I’m going with this?

Professor Tincher: (calmly) Ease up, Bagger. He’s still my step-son.

Powder runs off. Masked Bagger gets out his bag-gun and aims it at the villain but it doesn’t connect to him as he’s too far out of bag range.

Masked Bagger: I’m not letting him go that easy!

The 717 Guardian chases after The Powder, who bursts through the back dock doors, headed for his previous hideout. Our hero is still on his tail, when suddenly the villain stops and turns around. He puts out his arms, ready to shoot.

The Powder: Don’t forget, my powder IS poisonous!

The five zombies enter the scene. Two of them grab each of Masked Bagger’s arms and hold him against the wall. The others stand by in case he’s freed. Powder grins.

The Powder: I wasn’t going to do this right now. It was really just a threat to get you to back down. But what the heck? Now’s as good a time as any.

The Powder, with his arms extended is just about to kill our hero when all of a sudden a red laser beam strikes him on the back of his right shoulder. It hurts. He turns around to see what happened and sees a masked woman dressed in red standing there holding a gun that shoots laser beams.

The Powder: Who are you?

The mysterious “lady in red” shoots him again. The laser hits him in the chest. He’s still alive but drops to the floor in agonizing pain. Then he gets up and runs off. Masked Bagger and the zombies don’t know what to think of this. One by one, the zombies get shot with laser beams until only Masked Bagger is left. He’s not sure if this woman is good or bad, but being a paranoid, he assumes the worst and grabs his bag-gun. A laser beam hits it and knocks it out of his hand. Masked Bagger looks on the floor at the busted gun and looks back up at her, but she’s gone.

Masked Bagger: If she’s a villain, she’s gonna be a worthy foe. If she’s a hero… I’ll be relegated to being her sidekick because there’s no way we can both exist in this “movie” and *I* get to be the star.

CUT TO: The Professor and Masked Bagger are in the basement lab.

Professor Tincher: Did you recognize who she was?

Masked Bagger: No. She was standing too far off for me to make out the face, and she didn’t speak a word, so I couldn’t go by her voice either.

Professor Tincher: I’m just going to say this is a good thing. We’ve gotten extremely lucky that those zombies don’t have the poisonous Spill Magic, but they can still hurt you and if this ‘Red’ character wasn’t there earlier, you’d probably be a member of The Powdery Walking Dead right now. Let’s count our blessings on this one.

Masked Bagger: Blessings counted, but I’d still like to know who she is, and quite possibly if she’s single… great body.

Professor Tincher: We can find all that out in time but first we need to deal with this Powder situation.

Masked Bagger: Watcha got?

Tincher grabs a tube of homemade sunscreen and hands it to our hero.

Professor Tincher: Put on this sunscreen. It’ll keep you from being absorbed. It’s either this or we dig out your suit from last year.

Masked Bagger: I’ll take the sunscreen. Are you sure this will work?

Professor Tincher: No. I mean it *should* work, but I haven’t fully tested it yet. I started working on it last year but when Powder died, like a fool I figured we wouldn’t need it. So I quit working on it. But from the tests that I’ve done with the powder sample I have, I believe it will work. I wouldn’t give it to you if I didn’t think so.

Masked Bagger: In the interest of keeping me from being nervous, you should have just said, “Yes. It’ll work.” I didn’t need to know all the rest.

Professor Tincher: It’ll work. Have I let you down yet?

Masked Bagger: I don’t remember. I’ll have to check my diary, er, I mean my manly journal.

Professor Tincher: Just put the sunscreen on before battling Powder. Everything will be fine.

CUT TO: Mickey and Mindy are walking side by side and smiling. They just had a break together. Adam walks past them and notices how extra smiley Mickey’s being.

Mindy Dalton: Hi, Adam.

Adam Hauck: Hey Mindy. Mickey, can I talk to you for a second?

Mindy Dalton: I’ll leave you two alone.

She walks off.

Adam Hauck: You like Mindy?

Mickey Tork: Yeah, I like Mindy. Do you like Mindy?

Adam Hauck: I like Mindy.

Mickey Tork: What about Katie?

Adam Hauck: She’s got a boyfriend but besides that, she’s not into me. It’s healthy to move on and find someone else… to obsess over.

Mickey Tork: Well find someone else. Mindy’s mine.

Adam Hauck: Is she? Does *she* know that?

Mickey Tork: Yes. In her heart, she *does* know that.

Adam Hauck: You know, I’m starting to think you’re just as bad at getting woman as I am. In the year I’ve known you, I don’t recall you ever having a girlfriend.

Mickey Tork: That’s because I didn’t want a girlfriend before. I was happy being single and just playing the field. But now I’ve found the one I want to spend my life with… and you’re not gonna get in my way.

Adam Hauck: Mickey, calm down. We’re friends.

Mickey Tork: Are we? ‘cause I think we’re just co-workers who get along. At least we did.

Adam spots some zombies at a distance and has Masked Bagger duties to attend to.

Adam Hauck: Why don’t we both go after Mindy and see who she decides? Whichever one she doesn’t choose will just have to deal with it.

Mickey Tork: Fine. Get ready to have to “deal with it.”

Adam runs off.

CUT TO: The Powder is in his hideout. Zombie M.B. enters, eager to help out his leader much like he used to do with Tincher a year prior.

Zombie M.B.: So boss, what do you want me to do?

The Powder: Stay out of my way until it’s time for battle.

Zombie M.B.: You don’t want me to dust or straighten up anything?

The Powder: No, of course not.

Zombie M.B.: Seems boring.

The Powder: How would you like to be my guinea pig? I have a theory that if I inject some of my blood into you, you’ll have poisonous Spill Magic, too. If it works, it will totally catch the Bagger off guard.

Zombie M.B.: I love it… blood brothers!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is battling the four zombies on the front end. It’s exhausting our hero because they can’t be defeated. None of this is affecting business. The customers are still in line buying groceries. Masked Bagger heads over to a register and grabs a book and starts flipping through the pages. Professor Tincher walks over to him.

Professor Tincher: What are you doing?

Masked Bagger: I’m searching the Kroger Handbook to see if it has anything on what to do in case of a Spill Magic Zombie attack.

He continues to look.

Masked Bagger: Yes it does! It says “run.” If only I had the energy.

Professor Tincher: You’d better get some energy because Powder’s here with our old friend, M.B.

The two villains walk up to the front. Powder stands in front of the 717 Guardian, and M.B. goes to the Professor.

Zombie M.B.: I’m evil now.

Professor Tincher: I know.

Zombie M.B.: But I still feel a connection to you. So I’m going to kill you myself. The only problem is… I don’t know how to kill. I was hoping you could teach me.

Professor Tincher: You want me to teach you how to kill… me?

Zombie M.B.: Yes, I’d appreciate it.

Professor Tincher: Um, no.

Zombie M.B.: Well then I’ll try THIS!

M.B. extends his arms and shoots out Spill Magic. It hits Tincher but has no affect on him. The Powder looks mad.

The Powder: I guess my little experiment was a flop. I need a victory though.

Quickly Powder turns back to Masked Bagger and lets him have it with poisonous Spill Magic from his hands, covering our hero’s body. Luckily, the 717 Guardian was wearing the sunscreen and is not absorbed… right away.

Masked Bagger: I feel weird.

Our hero begins to tremble. Professor Tincher looks on, worried that his sunscreen has failed. Masked Bagger looks at his hand. It turns blue, and suddenly the 717 Guardian vanishes.

Professor Tincher: Bagger! I don’t believe this!

Masked Bagger sees a bright light and walks towards it. He doesn’t know where he is or even what happened. All he knows is that he should walk towards the light. Our hero enters the Pearly Gate and spots a Heaven clerk sitting at a desk. Masked Bagger approaches him.

Heaven Clerk: What is your name?

Masked Bagger: Masked Bagger

Heaven Clerk: No. What is your real name?

Masked Bagger: Adam Wesley Hauck.

Heaven Clerk: That can’t be. All the Adam Hauck’s of this world are accounted for.

Masked Bagger: I’m from a different Earth level than the one I died in if that makes any difference.

Heaven Clerk: Ah, that’s it. This Heaven is for the souls of the people from the level two Earth.

Masked Bagger: So what happens to me? Are you going to transfer me to the right Heaven?

Heaven Clerk: I don’t have to. You’re not ready.

Masked Bagger: What do you mean?

Heaven Clerk: Your death didn’t take. This has been a false alarm. Your sunscreen worked. You’ll be returning to your body in a moment. You might not be sent back to the exact time you left, however.

Masked Bagger: That’s fine. I’m just glad to be going back!

Masked Bagger closes his eyes. When he opens them, he’s back in his body in the same spot where he was absorbed. It’s now July 25th, however. So the action that was taking place when he left is over. Mindy is running a register while Katie and Mickey are bagging groceries. When Mindy spots Masked Bagger, she quickly gets on the intercom and pages…

Mindy Dalton: Mr. Tincher to the front end. Mr. Tincher to the front end. Hurry up!

Masked Bagger: Where’d Powder go?

Mickey Tork: The question is where did YOU go?

Masked Bagger: What?

Katie Collins: You’ve been gone for almost a month!

Masked Bagger: What a long, strange trip it’s been.

Professor Tincher walks up. He sees the 717 Guardian and gets a huge smile on his face. He runs over to him and the two men hug.

Professor Tincher: I can’t believe this! I thought you were gone forever. We even had a funeral for you.

Masked Bagger: Was it well attended?

Katie Collins: Of course. Adam didn’t show though. That was kinda odd. No one has seen him since you left. One can assume he’s hiding in fear.

Mickey Tork: Yeah, and just before he vanished I told Adam we weren’t friends.

Professor Tincher: Guys, how many times do I have to tell you, Adam transferred to another store? Although I just got off the phone with store, uh, 212 and Adam is coming back.

Mickey Tork: He is? And the competition is back on.

Mindy Dalton: What competition?

Mickey Tork: Uh, just in general. We compete over everything.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher and Masked Bagger are in the basement lab.

Professor Tincher: How did you come back?

Masked Bagger: I didn’t have a choice. The sunscreen worked. I visited Heaven for a moment and then was sent back down here… almost a month later apparently.

Professor Tincher: Amazing.

Masked Bagger: How is the store not totally ravaged by Powder? I haven’t been here for a month. Looks like I’m not as necessary as I always thought.

Professor Tincher: We had help.

Masked Bagger: Who?

Professor Tincher: Retail-Red. She’s the girl who helped you last month.

Masked Bagger: The girl with the laser beam gun?

Professor Tincher: Adam, it’s not called a “laser beam gun.” It’s called a scan-gun, because she’s got this whole cashier thing going on. So it’s a scan gun that shoots red lasers.

Masked Bagger: She’s a cashier superhero? I KNEW I’d be relegated to the sidekick role!

Professor Tincher: I don’t know what you mean but she’s been a great help to me while you were on vacation.

Masked Bagger: That was no vacation.

Professor Tincher: Um, you spent a month in Heaven. Sounds like the greatest vacation to me!

Masked Bagger: Some vacation. I didn’t even get to watch any of my favorite shows on DVD. So, to change the topic back to Retail-Red, when can I meet her?

Professor Tincher: I don’t know. I still don’t know her true identity and she didn’t give me any way to contact her. It’s just when there’s trouble, she’s there to help.

Masked Bagger: Then she should arrive soon because I’m gonna take on Powder and end this!

Professor Tincher: That reminds me! I’ve invented a weapon to destroy the zombies. I just finished it last night and was waiting on Retail-Red to come by so I could give it to her.

Masked Bagger: Well I’m back, so give it to me.

Professor Tincher: Okay. It’s more appropriate for a bagger anyways. It’s a take on the bag-gun. It bags them for a moment, then breaks down their molecules, destroying them. I already tried it out on one of the zombies and it worked. I’d have done the rest but they ran off.

CUT TO: Katie is sitting in the break room fiddling with her cell phone. Bernie Boswell enters and sits down next to her.

Bernie Boswell: Hi Katie.

Katie Collins: Hey.

Bernie Boswell: Here’s the current status of my autobiography. I’m still writing it. I’m now on the chapter devoted to my religion, Boswellity.

Katie Collins: Are publishers interested?

Bernie Boswell: Not yet.

Katie Collins: That’s what I thought.

Bernie Boswell: They will be. Right now I need help picking a title.

Katie Collins: Watcha got?

Bernie Boswell: Okay, here are my top choices: “My Life As Only I Can Tell It,” “I’m So Vain, I Probably Think This Book Is About Me (Which It Is),” “Bernie Boswell’s Brilliant Book ‘Bout Bernie Boswell” and “The New Bible.”

Katie Collins: That’s a bold choice.

Bernie Boswell: Well it’s not really a choice. I just wanted to see if you were paying attention to me. It’s hard to tell since you’ve been texting this whole time.

Katie Collins: I’m not texting. I’m on Facebook.

Bernie Boswell: Ooh, I’ve got Facebook. Let’s see what’s on your wall.

Bernie takes out his cell phone and gets on Facebook.

Bernie Boswell: “Dealing with stupid people.” Really, Katie?

Katie Collins: Um, I posted that before you came in the room.

Bernie Boswell: No, it says one minute ago. Plus you wrote a follow-up comment saying “My co-worker Bernie is a joke.”

Katie Collins: (with attitude) Excuse me but everybody loves a joke.

Bernie Boswell: I know *you* do. You just “liked” your own comment. Why do people do that? It seems arrogant to “like” your own comment. You make the comment and others can “like” it. And I can see you already have eight more “likes.” My ego is taking a bruising.

CUT TO: The four surviving zombies are walking around the store together, terrorizing the customers. Masked Bagger marches up to them as if he were a man on a mission, which he is. With his special bag-gun in hand, our hero starts shooting them left and right. He gets three of them easily. Finally only M.B. is left.

Masked Bagger: I don’t want to do this, buddy.

Zombie M.B.: (innocently) Then don’t.

Masked Bagger: It doesn’t work like that, M.B. You’re evil now and it’s my job to capture you.

Zombie M.B.: Then do it. You make things so complicated.

Masked Bagger shoots M.B., capturing him in the bag, which then destroys him.

Masked Bagger: (sighs) No regrets.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger walks up the stairs and enters Powder’s hideout, which is a room above the back dock. Powder isn’t surprised.

The Powder: There you are, Masked Bagger. I’ve been waiting.

Masked Bagger: Over a year ago I first came to your hideout and called you a Smurf. A lot has changed since then. Time to end this.

The Powder: I was thinking back, and you have never defeated me. How pathetic you are. How can you rightly call yourself the guardian of 717? Makes no sense to me.

Masked Bagger: I’m about to earn that title right now.

He takes out his bag-gun, but Powder shoots him in the face with Spill Magic and then punches him. Our hero falls back and hits the railing. If he falls, it would mean death for Masked Bagger, or at least lots of broken bones.

Masked Bagger: I’ve doubled up on the sunscreen. So your poisonous powder has no affect on me.

He coughs.

Masked Bagger: Except it makes me cough.

The Powder: You know what cures coughing? Death!

Powder then punches Masked Bagger again, causing him to flip over the railing. With his right hand, our hero shoots out his cart strap and wraps it around Powder’s arm, while Bagger’s other hand grabs onto one of the poles of the railing. He then pulls that dastardly blue foe over the railing and lets go of the strap, but quickly reaches for his bag-gun in his holster. He shoots Powder with it, using a different setting on the gun so that it captures him, but instead of falling to the floor and possibly killing Powder, the big bag slowly floats down as if it became light as a feather. Once it makes it to the floor, Masked Bagger climbs back up over the railing and then takes the stairs down to the bagged enemy.

Masked Bagger: It took me over a year - and both of us had to die and return - but I finally got you!

CUT TO: Mindy is at the time clock, clocking out for her shift. Mickey walks up to her with a question in mind. It was a question he’d been putting off since Adam wasn’t around for a month but now with Adam returning, Mickey knew he had to get back in the game.

Mickey Tork: Listen Mindy, why don’t you and I have dinner some time? It’s on me.

Mindy Dalton: That sounds nice but I’m not looking for a boyfriend right now, if that’s what you’re getting at.

Mickey Tork: I won’t lie. I am attracted to you, but if you don’t want a relationship, I can respect that. This will just be a nice dinner with no strings attached.

Mindy Dalton: That sounds good. Tonight at 8?

Mickey Tork: Tonight at 8. I’ll pick you up. I can drive, you know. I’m just saying, not everyone here can.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger watching Mindy and Mickey on the monitors in the basement lab and is insulted by Mickey’s jab at him for not having a driver’s license.

Masked Bagger: I can drive… just not legally.

The Professor enters the room.

Professor Tincher: The Powder is detained.

Masked Bagger: Good. What about M.B.?

Professor Tincher: No. I’m afraid he’s gone forever, as are the other Spill Magic Zombies.

Masked Bagger: Damn. I guess I knew that, but I was still hoping for a happy ending this time.

Professor Tincher: It’s too bad about M.B., but with Powder captured instead of dead this time, if I’m ever able to create a cure for super villain-itis, I’ll have my son back. So this is a much happier ending than last time.

CUT TO: The Powder is sitting in a Kroger prison cell in the basement. He has a bracelet on each wrist, which prevents him from releasing Spill Magic.

The Powder: This isn’t over Masked Bagger! (yells) THIS ISN’T OVER!!!

A voice from another cell shouts to Powder…

Pineapple-Man (voice-over): Quiet down, newbie! Some of us are trying to get some shut eye!

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

ISSUE #13. The Incredible Hauck

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Mickey Tork
Bernie Boswell
Mindy Dalton

Guest Starring:
Phil the Pharmacist [picture below]
Adam Hulk [pictured below, twice]
Retail-Red [pictured below]
Hailie Morgan [pictured below]

ISSUE #13. The Incredible Hauck

Originally Released on August 15th, 2014

And Now This Incredible Episode Begins…

Professor Tincher and Adam are sitting in the office after finishing the morning huddle. Danny, the beloved old pharmacy department head, has just retired and said his goodbyes.

Adam Hauck: I can’t believe Danny retired.

Professor Tincher: Why not? He’s 86 years-old.

Adam Hauck: I know. I just thought he would die first.

Professor Tincher: Well I’m just happy that I was able to get such a highly regarded new pharmacist in such a quick amount of time.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, faster than the pharmacy is able to fill a prescription.

Professor Tincher: Adam, please don’t make fun of our pharmacy. Now that the 86 year-old is out of the way, I’m sure things will run a lot faster over there.

Adam Hauck: What’s the new guy’s name?

Professor Tincher: Phil Simms. Oh by the way, I need you to get in your Masked Bagger outfit. Retail-Red has called me and she wants to meet to discuss getting a salary for helping out with crime-fighting in the store. I figured this will be a great chance for you two to meet and hopefully you can expose her.

Adam Hauck: Expose her? I never knew you had this perverted dark side to you, Professor.

Professor Tincher: I mean expose her identity, so we can find out who she is under that mask.

Adam Hauck: Oh. (embarrassed) Of course.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher and Masked Bagger in Tincher’s office. Retail-Red enters and closes the door behind her. Adam gets a good look at her and recognizes her instantly. He’s shocked.

Professor Tincher: Retail-Red, I’d like you to meet Masked Bagger. Masked Bagger, this is Retail-Red.

The two masked heroes shake hands.

Retail-Red: Hello. It’s an honor to shake your hand.

Masked Bagger: The pleasure is mine.

Professor Tincher: Well, we have two very polite superheroes. Now, Red, you wanted to speak to me about money?

Retail-Red: I was just curious if I can get paid for this gig. I could use the extra money. Of course if not, I’ll still help out when needed. I just thought I’d ask.

Professor Tincher: I tell you what, I’ll look at the books and see what I can do about this.

Retail-Red: Thank you, Mister Tincher. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to leave and take this costume off. I feel silly wearing the costume when there’s no crime to fight.

Masked Bagger: I’d like to say I understand, but I wear this outfit to bed sometimes, mask and all.

She smiles and walks out the door, closing it behind her. Our hero quickly turns to Tincher.

Masked Bagger: I don’t believe it, Professor. That’s Mindy!

Professor Tincher: Dalton? I don’t see that at all.

Masked Bagger: That’s because the people of this world don’t have the mentality to recognize someone in a costume. I do, however.

Professor Tincher: No, no. I believe you. It’s just… man, that’s a good disguise! Hey wait a minute. Aren’t you and Mickey fighting over her? This gives you quite the edge.

Masked Bagger: It does. It really does.

He smiles.

CUT TO: Later in the day. Tincher is at his desk and Bernie Boswell is seated in front of the desk.

Bernie Boswell: Mister Tincher, I’ve called you into your office to tell you that I’m giving my two weeks notice. I’m quitting.

Professor Tincher: First of all, I was already in my office. You just walked in here without prior notice. Secondly, why are you quitting?

Bernie Boswell: I’m gonna be straight with you. I hate working in produce. The job sucks, the people suck, and look at me, clearly, I’ve never eaten a fruit or vegetable in my life. I shouldn’t be in that department. I want to be in radio.

Professor Tincher: Talk about coincidence, but the music that plays on the intercom is changing. Kroger is looking for someone in each store to select the music and serve as D.J. Are you interested?

Bernie Boswell: Of course!

Professor Tincher: It pays less.

Bernie Boswell: That’s okay. This is something I really wanna do. Um, how much less?

Professor Tincher: Enough to make people question your sanity.

Bernie Boswell: I’m in! People already question my sanity. So it makes this job suited for me.

CUT TO: Mickey is up front at Mindy’s register, ready to bag, but there is no customer yet.

Mickey Tork: I was just thinking. We had a great dinner together last month and since then we’d talked about doing it again. Why don’t we just pick a date and do it again?

Mindy Dalton: I just have a busy schedule, Mick. But I’ll tell you what. I don’t have any plans tonight, if you’d like to go out then.

Mickey Tork: Yes. Tonight it is.

Adam walks up.

Adam Hauck: Watcha guys talking about?

Mickey Tork: Mindy and I were just making plans for dinner tonight.

Adam Hauck: (sarcastically) Really? Your second dinner in two months? Am I right to assume a marriage proposal is on its way?

Mindy Dalton: We’re just friends. As I’ve said many times already, I’m not looking for a relationship right now.

Mickey Tork: That’s true. You’re not looking for a relationship right now. (to Adam) But if she was, clearly I would be winning this competition.

Adam Hauck: Well have fun you two. Hey wait, my schedule is wide open. Since we’re all just friends, no one will mind if I come along, right?

Mindy Dalton: Sounds fun.

Mickey gets mad and goes outside to do carts.

Mindy Dalton: Adam, I get the feeling you both like me.

Adam Hauck: It appears we do. Is that a bad thing?

Mindy Dalton: I think both you and Mickey are cute, but again, I’m just not looking for a relationship right now.

Adam Hauck: Wait, really? You think I’m cute?

Mindy Dalton: Yes.

Adam Hauck: Would you mind taking a polygraph test on that?

Mindy Dalton: Adam, you’re being silly right now.

Adam Hauck: I know, but girls don’t tell me I’m cute very often… or ever in fact.

Mindy Dalton: Well they should.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher greets Phil Simms, the store’s new pharmacist.

Professor Tincher: Welcome to store 717, Phil. I think you’re going to like it here.

Phil the Pharmacist: I’m sure I will.

Professor Tincher: Now I should warn you we have a pesky super villain problem, but we have our own in-store superhero to battle them. He’s called Masked Bagger.

Phil the Pharmacist: I’m already aware of this magnificent hero of yours. He’s made quite a few newspaper headlines.

Professor Tincher: Of course. Well again, welcome aboard.

Phil the Pharmacist: Thank you, Mister Tincher.

Tincher walks away and spots Adam.

Professor Tincher: Our new pharmacy head has arrived.

Adam Hauck: Is he likeable?

Professor Tincher: Yes. I think he’s going to make a great addition to the 717 family.

CUT TO: Phil is in the back room of the pharmacy department. He lifts up his shirt, revealing his bare chest with a big tattoo of the Kroger Devil’s face. He laughs maniacally.

Phil the Pharmacist: Oh, I have a plan for your precious in-store superhero, Tincher. I plan to have him killed!

CUT TO: The next day. Adam enters the store and sees Mickey bagging for a cashier. He walks over to him.

Adam Hauck: That was some fun last night, huh?

Mickey Tork: We are never to discuss this. I can’t believe Mindy left after only five minutes, leaving just the two of us together at a romantic restaurant.

Adam Hauck: The violinist who played for us was really nice.

Mickey Tork: Yeah, I paid him a few bucks to do that.

Adam Hauck: (jokingly) That was so sweet, Mickey. I never knew you felt that way about me.

Mickey Tork: I paid him at the beginning for me and Mindy, and figured you would have left well before then. After all, there was a “Brady Bunch” marathon playing on TV Land.

Adam Hauck: I like the show but it’s not worth missing out on some Mindy time for.

Mickey Tork: Okay this ends now. You and I are going to fight over her. I’m serious now. After work tomorrow at the gym across the street.

Adam Hauck: Are you serious?

Mickey Tork: Apparently you missed the part where I said “I’m serious now.” Winner gets to keep pursuing Mindy and the loser has to go back to chasing after Katie. In other words, I’m gonna win.

Adam Hauck: Fine. Let’s do it!

A woman looks over at Adam and gives him a judgmental face.

Adam Hauck: We’re talking about doing a competition. Not “it.” Get your mind out of the gutter!

CUT TO: Phil the Pharmacist is pacing around the pharmacy. He’s alone seeing that it’s after hours.

Phil the Pharmacist: Let me go over my plan one more time. I will inject some unsuspecting fool with my hulk serum. It will transform said fool into an unstoppable hulk. He will then kill Masked Bagger. And I have just the fool in mind for this little project… Adam Hauck!!!

CUT TO: Adam is sitting down in the pharmacy. Phil comes by with a needle. He got Adam to agree to get a shot by telling him it was mandatory for all employees. Of course, Phil lied and Adam is gullible.

Adam Hauck: Is this going to hurt?

Phil the Pharmacist: Not at all. I mean, for me. It will absolutely hurt for you.

Phil smiles but Adam isn’t amused.

Phil the Pharmacist: Relax Adam. It shouldn’t hurt, but if it does, it does. You’re a big boy.

Adam Hauck: I’m planning on losing weight

Phil the Pharmacist: Oh, we don’t need that.

Phil injects the serum into Adam.

Phil the Pharmacist: There. That wasn’t so bad, now was it?

Adam Hauck: No, I guess not.

Adam gets up and walks away. He feels weird but continues to walk, figuring he’ll just shake it off. He sees Katie walking by.

Adam Hauck: Katie, there you are. I’ve been meaning to ask you, why did you leave Facebook?

Katie Collins: I didn’t.

Adam Hauck: I don’t see your page on there anymore.

Katie Collins: That’s because I blocked you.

Adam Hauck: What? But why?

Katie Collins: Adam, you know I have a boyfriend. Austin knows about your feelings for me and I don’t want him seeing comments you leave on statuses that I’ve commented on.

Adam Hauck: I don’t get it. I don’t talk to YOU in the comments.

Adam starts to walk off. He’s furious at this friendship betrayal. His heart is racing and he’s breathing heavy. His hands begin to shake. Katie is worried he’s having a heart attack. Suddenly, Adam’s clothes rip as his body gets bigger… and his skin turns green. He has become “The Incredible Hauck,” or in other words, a green hulk. Katie witnesses the whole thing. She screams and runs away. He starts to chase after her. Adam’s mind is not present. At this point in time, he’s a beast, an animal. Katie runs into the manager’s office where the Professor is sitting at his desk.

Professor Tincher: Katie, what’s this about?

Katie Collins: It’s Adam! He’s an animal!

Professor Tincher: What? That doesn’t sound like Adam.

Suddenly, Adam Hulk busts through the wall and enters the room. He doesn’t see them yet because Tincher’s office is a room inside the bigger room that Hulk has just entered.

Katie Collins: He’s coming for me!

The Professor presses a button. It opens a hidden door.

Professor Tincher: Hide in here for a while. I’ll come for you when it’s safe. And, uh, don’t look around too much.

Katie Collins: Thanks.

She enters the secret room (which is really a passageway to the basement lab). Hulk then busts through Tincher’s office and grabs the manager by his shirt with one hand, and lifts him up.

Adam Hulk: Hulk smash!

Professor Tincher: I’d rather you didn’t.

Adam Hulk: Where girl?

Professor Tincher: She, uh, snuck out the window. She ran away.

Adam Hulk: I follow.

Hulk throws Tincher across the room and busts through the wall, and runs outside. The Professor looks up.

Professor Tincher: I probably shouldn’t have unleashed him on the world. Now I’ll never find him.

The good professor hears the horns of cars as well as screams.

CUT TO: The next day. The wall to the outside has been boarded up. Professor Tincher is in the basement lab, doing research on hulks. Adam - back to normal - enters.

Adam Hauck: Professor, I had the weirdest dream.

Professor Tincher: Adam! You’re back!

Adam Hauck: I dreamt I was the Hulk. Weird thing is I don’t remember how I got home last night.

Professor Tincher: It was no dream. You transformed into a hulk and went after Katie.

Adam Hauck: Is she okay!?!

Professor Tincher: Yes, she’s fine, but didn’t you notice how beat up the manager’s office is? That’s *your* doing.

Adam Hauck: I’m sorry. I have no control when it’s happening. I just remember it later as if it were a dream. Does Katie know I’m the Hulk?

Professor Tincher: Yes. She saw you transform.

Adam Hauck: Well this is embarrassing.

Professor Tincher: What caused it? Can you remember?

Adam Hauck: Last thing I remember is Katie telling me she blocked me on Facebook. I was pissed. I mean, how could she do that to me?

Professor Tincher: Much like the fictional Hulk character in the popular Marvel comics, your, uh, “Hulk-Outs” are triggered by anger. We just have to figure out why all of a sudden this is happening to you. In the meantime, whatever you do, don’t get angry.

CUT TO: Adam walks into the break room. He’s taking deep breaths, trying to remain calm. He spots Mickey sitting down, but the two don’t address one another. Adam sits down and uses the remote control to turn the TV on. The sitcom “Two and a Half Men” comes on. Adam hates this show with a passion.

Adam Hauck: It’s just a show. Nothing to hulk out about.

Bernie enters the room. He looks at the TV and smiles.

Bernie Boswell: Ha-ha.

Adam Hauck: What?

Bernie Boswell: You know what I was just thinking about?

Adam Hauck: I can’t begin to guess what you’re thinking about.

Bernie Boswell: “Two and a Half Men” has got to be the funniest show of all time!

Adam Hauck: You don’t want to have this chat with me right now.

Bernie Boswell: Why not? Isn’t it the funniest? Of course it is!

Adam Hauck: (staying calm) I respectfully disagree.

Bernie Boswell: Well you’re nuts then. Or you don’t know good comedy when you see it. I mean I admit it’s not as good without Charlie, but it’s still good.

Adam Hauck: I have to go.

Bernie Boswell: Come on, you have to admit it’s funny. It was the number one comedy for seven years!

Adam transforms into “The Incredible Hauck” in front of Bernie and Mickey.

Bernie Boswell: Adam?

Adam Hulk: GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

Bernie runs off scared. Hulk looks over at Mickey.

Adam Hauck: Fight?

Mickey Tork: Fight? No, of course not, buddy! We’re friends, remember? We shouldn’t fight. I’m cancelling our schedule fight. Not because I’m scared, of course. I’ll tell you what, you can keep chasing after Mindy. I’m more into, uh, Hailie Morgan now.

Mickey gets up.

Mickey Tork: Where *is* that little ghetto girl? I’ll find her!

Mickey runs off. Adam Hulk looks at the TV, sees Charlie and Alan, and slams his fist through it, destroying the set. By doing so, he’s improving the episode. ;)

Adam Hulk: Better.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher walks past the pharmacy. Phil runs over to him.

Phil the Pharmacist: Mister Tincher, we have a problem!

Professor Tincher: What is it?

Phil the Pharmacist: There’s a green monster running around, destroying things. When is your precious superhero going to come to the rescue?

Professor Tincher: He’s already on it.

Phil the Pharmacist: Word on the street is the beast wants to kill Masked Bagger. Unfortunately, it looks as if not even Masked Bagger can stop this monster.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher pages Retail-Red to the manager’s office. She arrives.

Professor Tincher: Adam is the hulk.

Retail-Red: Oh no. That’s terrible. Is this permanent?

Professor Tincher: No. Much like the comic book character, it’s activated when he becomes agitated, and it goes away after some time.

Retail-Red: So where’s Masked Bagger?

Professor Tincher: Well, here’s the deal. Adam *is* Masked Bagger.

Retail-Red: I don’t believe it. Although that would explain why every time Masked Bagger is paged on the intercom, Adam runs off.

Professor Tincher: Please don’t tell him I told you.

Retail-Red: Wait, I have to pretend like I don’t know it’s him?

Professor Tincher: In the interest of full disclosure, I’ll tell you that he’s doing the same for you.

Retail-Red: What? He knows my identity?

Professor Tincher: Yes. Although not billed as one of his super powers, Adam has the mentality to recognize someone that is wearing a costume, for the most part. It’s because of the Earth level he comes from. As soon as I introduced you two, he knew that you’re Mindy Dalton.

Retail-Red: I don’t know what to say.

Professor Tincher: I’m only telling you this so you know the full situation. Adam is Masked Bagger, so he can’t possibly battle Masked Bagger, which means no one will stop him when he’s in hulk mode. No one except…

Retail-Red: Retail-Red. Got it.

CUT TO: A half-naked Adam (his pants are still on. This isn’t “Masked Bagger After Dark”) is back to being his normal self. He is worn out and once again, sneaking into the Kroger closet in the break room to get some un-ripped clothes. He spots Katie, Mickey and Hailie sitting at a table together. He hides. They’re discussing Bernie changing jobs.

Mickey Tork: It just doesn’t seem like a logical career move.

Katie Collins: Mickey, this is Bernie we’re talking about. He created his own religion. He’s attracted to 90 year-olds. His favorite Batman is George Clooney. We’re not talking about somebody normal.

Hailie Morgan: Girl, you can say that again. Bernie be anything but normal. He straight up looney.

Mickey Tork: By the way, Hailie, it’s nice to work with you again. I feel like I never see you anymore.

Hailie Morgan: My hours be cut. I had to done get a new job, part-time.

Mickey Tork: So what does everyone think of our new pharmacist?

Katie Collins: I haven’t met him yet.

Hailie Morgan: I done met him. He’s a’ight, but he be nothing special. He no Danny.

Mickey Tork: I haven’t met him myself, but I’ve seen him around.

Adam puts a shirt on and then goes to the others.

Adam Hauck: Wait, you guys haven’t had your shot from Phil, yet?

They’re all a little nervous around Adam now.

Mickey Tork: What shot?

Adam Hauck: It’s a mandatory shot for all employees.

Hailie Morgan: What you be sniffin?

Adam realizes he’s been duped.

CUT TO: Adam enters the pharmacy where Phil is.

Phil the Pharmacist: You are not allowed back here, Mister Hauck.

Adam Hauck: What have you done to me? You’re the cause of my Hulk-Outs!

Phil the Pharmacist: I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Adam Hauck: Liar!

Phil the Pharmacist: Fine, I lied. I know exactly what you’re talking about and I have another trick up my sleeve.

Phil takes out a blow dart and shoots Adam on the chest with it. Adam quickly takes the dart out and throws it to the floor.

Adam Hauck: What was that?

Phil the Pharmacist: That was to improve upon my original serum. Because I did that, the next time you turn into a beast, you’ll be stuck in beast mode forever. Don’t get angry, hahahahahaha!!!!!

Adam punches Phil in the face. Phil retaliates by punching Adam in the face as well. This ticks Adam off and he morphs into his hulk persona. Adam Hulk punches Phil again, this time sending him in the air to the other end of the pharmacy, where he bounces off the wall and hits the floor. He’s unconscious. Hulk then turns around, breaks through the counter and is on the loose inside the store. He goes around smashing and breaking things on a rampage. Mindy sees this from the front.

Mindy Dalton: Time to get to work.

She abandons the order she was checking out and runs off to become Retail-Red. Earlier, Professor Tincher had handed her a syringe filled with (hopefully) an antidote that would turn Hulk back into Adam permanently.

CUT TO: Bernie gets situated inside the booth. He takes a deep breath and then presses the button, allowing the whole store to hear what he’s about to say.

Bernie Boswell: Hi all. I’m Big Bad Bernie Boswell, and you’re listening to Kroger717... I’m working on a better name for our station. Anyways, first up is a song I love and I know you will, too. It’s Ben Folds Five with “Do It Anyway.”

(“Do It Anyway” by Ben Folds Five) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFsRX7rj2jY

The song starts to play just as Retail-Red confronts Adam Hulk in front of the pharmacy. She takes out her scan-gun and shoots him in the chest with a laser beam. It stings only a little, but doesn’t really affect him.

Retail-Red: So laser beams don’t hurt you? Well…

Not knowing what else to do, she shoots him ten more times at a rapid pace in the chest. Finally he picks her up…

Retail-Red: I know Adam is still alive in you and he would never hurt a woman. He’s a gentleman!

…and throws her into the shelving. He lets out a roar and she does a somersault over to him, stands up on her feet, and does a tornado kick, hitting him in the face. She lands on her feet but it still doesn’t hurt Hulk. She continues kicking and punching and flipping around, shooting the scan-gun some more at him - again with none of it affecting him. Retail-Red is working up a sweat.

Retail-Red: You’re an animal!

He grabs her with one hand and lifts her over his body, about to throw her again, when she takes out the syringe and stabs him in the arm with it. He still manages to throw her, this time into the pharmacy. His body shakes and he drops to his knees. His green skin turns back to a pale white, and his muscular build turns back to flab. He is Adam Hauck once more. He’s shirtless, shoeless and wearing ripped pants. He’s breathing heavy as he’s exhausted from the fight. He looks over at Retail-Red, who is also breathing heavy from the fight and who’s covered in sweat. She comes at him and kisses him passionately on the lips. This is his first kiss ever and he gets into it, kissing her back. Once they’re done locking lips, she turns around and runs off. Adam looks over at the security camera, knowing Tincher is probably watching.

Adam Hauck: I want a copy of that!

CUT TO: Professor Tincher and Adam Hauck are in the basement lab after incarcerating the unconscious Phil into their jail, and also testing Adam for any weird side effects.

Professor Tincher: This is uncanny.

Adam Hauck: What’s that?

Professor Tincher: After your exam I’ve discovered that you have 17 percent more strength than you did before. Must be from the serum. You already had 17 percent more strength than the normal person of this world anyway.

Adam Hauck: 17 plus 17. What’s that?

Professor Tincher: Are you serious?

Adam Hauck: I’m bad at math. What is it?

Professor Tincher: 34 - you have 34 percent more strength than the average person on this world.

Adam Hauck: Great! So I really have nothing to be scared of anymore.

Professor Tincher: Well someone could still take out a gun and shoot you.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, but how often does that happen in fiction?

Professor Tincher: This isn’t fiction. It’s real life.

Adam Hauck: I know, but superheroes, super villains, me getting kissed by an incredibly hot woman. It all feels like fiction.

Professor Tincher: You may have a point there.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

Later in the series, I made a cross-over issue with Masked Bagger and another superhero, Banta Bowler. I wanted the new hero to be somewhat established first, so I wrote two separate Banta Bowler stories. This is the first one. The second one appears in the third season. Enjoy this mini Banta Bowler story.

“And now another story of a scientist, a serum, and a transformation. Introducing… The Banta Bowler!!!”

Starring:
Banta Bowler alias Michael Forman [pictured below]
Pat [pictured below]
Elvis Pinson [pictured below]

with The Pin-People! [pictured below]

ISSUE #1. Becoming Banta Bowler

Originally Released on August 15th, 2014

Michael Forman enters the Banta Bowling alley. He’s been working there for almost six years and enjoys his work. He’s the main fix-it guy in the building and is well respected. However, he is not very social and doesn’t have much of a life outside of his job. Michael walks past the counter where Pat is standing, reading a book.

Michael Forman: Good morning, Pat. What ya reading?

Pat: My daughter just got into “Twilight” and since her mother and I are divorced, and she lives with her, I wanted to be able to have conversations about her interests when she visits.

Michael Forman: Why not just watch the movies?

Pat: Because unlike most 14-year-old girls, she’s not into the movies - only the books. Say, forget me. What about you? How was your date with Emily?

Michael Forman: Oh, uh, I cancelled at the last minute.

Pat: What? Why?

Michael Forman: I don’t know. I just didn’t feel like leaving the house.

Pat: You have to get over this, Mike. You finally got a date with a woman and you blow it off. Do you even want to have a love life?

Michael Forman: I do. I’m just extremely nervous. I don’t know. I’m hopeless.

Pat: I hate to agree with you on something like that, but it looks that way.

Michael Forman: I’ve been thinking about asking Stephanie out.

Pat: Stephanie Banta? Our boss?

Michael Forman: I’ve had feelings for her for a long time now.

Pat: I don’t think you should date the boss, but if you get the courage to ask her out, it’s your life. Hey, come to think of it, you’re here early.

Michael Forman: Yeah, I thought I’d play a game or two before I start my shift.

CUT TO: Despite loving the sport, Michael is not very good at it. While playing before work, he got a final score of 103 for the first game and was at a 92 for the second. During the last frame, however, his bowling ball didn’t return, so he heads to the back room. Once back there, he hears an explosion coming from underground. This peaks his curiosity. Michael spots a trap door and opens it. He then walks down there. He finds himself inside an underground laboratory, and Elvis Pinson is there, working on experiments.

Michael Forman: Elvis, what the heck is this?

Elvis Pinson: Forman! What are you doing here?

Michael Forman: I heard an explosion and came to check on things. I had no idea this room even existed. Amazing.

Elvis Pinson: Things are under control. I was just working on something and yes, there was a tiny explosion. Explosions occur a lot down here. I’m fine. Don’t tell anybody about this place. It’ll be our little secret. Say, how was your date with Emily?

Michael Forman: (sighs) I cancelled.

Elvis Pinson: I’m not surprised. I was just telling Pat and Stephanie the other day how hopeless you are.

Michael Forman: Hmm, well you know what? I think they would both be interested to find out about this place.

Elvis Pinson: That’s not going to happen, buddy. PINS!

A group of six walking pins enter the room

Michael Forman: What’s going on here? Who are these guys? WHAT are these guys?

Elvis Pinson: Pins, grab Forman! Tie him up with chains and bring him to me!

The pins head for Michael. He’s not a fighter but decides to defend himself the best way he can. After all, he’s not just going to let these pins take him down. He kicks one and punches another. Two others grab him and a third one head-butts him. He’s knocked out.

CUT TO: Michael wakes up. He finds himself tied up with the pin-people surrounding him.

Elvis Pinson: I’m working on a super bowler serum so that I will be the world’s greatest bowler!

Michael Forman: Why?

Elvis Pinson: Because I want to be the world’s greatest bowler. We all have dreams and this is mine. I’ll test it out in a moment. First I have to figure out what to do with you.

Michael Forman: Let me go. Just an idea.

Elvis Pinson: Oh but you see, I can’t do that. I have to kill you, Mikey. You know way too much.

Michael Forman: I’m very forgetful. Chances are by the time I get back to work, I won’t remember any of this!

Elvis Pinson: No, no. I’m afraid…

Just then there’s another explosion. A canister of the serum douses Michael, who’s chained up and unable to move. Elvis falls to the floor and the pin-people hide in their protective closet. The serum is effecting Michael, who suddenly feels stronger than ever before. He is able to break free from the chains and starts to run out. He quickly goes back for Elvis and carries him up the stairs. Another explosion goes off and everything in the lab is blown to smithereens. Michael stands there with an unconscious Elvis on the floor.

Michael Forman: I feel so strange. Like I could bowl a 300 game as if it meant nothing. The serum! I must have been transformed into “the world’s greatest bowler!” I should test this out.

CUT TO: Michael is playing one last game before he starts his shift. Pat is still reading “Twilight” and no customers have come inside yet. So no one’s looking. He rolls the ball down the lane and gets a strike. It came so natural. He felt as though he had been a fool in the past for not getting a strike every time. Again he bowled, and again he got a strike. In the tenth frame, Michael needed one more strike for a perfect game. He bowled and the ball knocked down all the pins… strike!

Michael Forman: Unbelievable!

Elvis staggers into the front room and walks over to Michael.

Elvis Pinson: What’s going on?

Michael Forman: What do you mean?

Elvis Pinson: I remember my name and that I work here, but not much else.

Michael Forman: You don’t remember the lab?

Elvis Pinson: Lab? What lab?

Michael Forman: Uh, nothing. Never mind.

Elvis Pinson: I’m going home now. I’ve got the worst headache ever.

CUT TO: Things seemed like they were fine until a week later. Michael was at home, watching the news, when suddenly there was a breaking story about the Banta Bowling alley. Elvis and the pin-people were holding the people of the alley hostage. Pinson could not remember the events that led to the explosion which gave Michael the super powers, but he soon remembered his goal and was angry that *something* got in his way. Ticked off, he decided to kill everyone at Banta Bowling. In case you hadn’t caught on yet, he’s the bad guy of this story.

Michael Forman: I have to do something!

Michael heads to his closet, gets out a black trench coat and some other black and purple clothes. To keep his identity a secret, he gets out the bowling ball-looking helmet he was going to use for Halloween last year (but hadn’t worn it because he was too nervous to go to work in a costume). He quickly gets dressed and races over there.

CUT TO: The Banta Bowling alley! Michael Forman, now going by the name Banta Bowler, kicks open the doors and walks inside. Everyone looks shocked, not knowing if this costumed guy was good or bad. Elvis walks up to him.

Elvis Pinson: And who have we here?

Banta Bowler: Call me Banta Bowler. I am the world’s greatest bowler. You?

Elvis Pinson: “World’s greatest bowler?” HA! Prove it!

Banta Bowler looks over and spots a group of the pin-people standing together at the other end of the alley. He takes a ball and rolls it with force. It rolls all the way to his targets, and POW, knocks them all down.

Banta Bowler: Strike.

On the other end, are a few more pin-people. The hero takes another ball off the rack and rolls it in their direction. It collides into them, knocking all of them down as well.

Banta Bowler: Double.

Bowler then grabs Pinson by the shirt, swings him back and then throws him towards the pins in the lane. Elvis slides down the lane and crashes into all the pins.

Banta Bowler: Turkey.

The people in the building all applaud for their hero. Pat walks up to Banta Bowler and puts out his hand. They shake hands.

Pat: Thank you, Banta Bowler. I’ve known superheroes exist for a while. Kroger 717 has The Masked Bagger, but I never met one in person. This is an honor. We could use your help again. How do we contact you?

Banta Bowler: I’ll be around.

Pat: That’s kinda vague, but okay.

Customer: Look! He’s getting away!!

Elvis Pinson gets up and runs off, headed for the door. As he’s running, he yells…

Elvis Pinson: This isn’t over Banta Bowler!!!

Banta Bowler: Then come back and fight!

Elvis reaches the door and goes outside.

Pat: Aren’t you gonna get him?

Banta Bowler: Oh, yes!

The hero runs after him but once he gets to the door and looks outside, Elvis is nowhere to be seen.

Banta Bowler: You’re right about one thing, Pinson. This isn’t over.

However, this issue IS over! Join Banta Bowler next time he battles more evil inside the bowling alley.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

ISSUE #14. The Mysterious Mad Sacker

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Mickey Tork
Bernie Boswell
Mindy Dalton

Guest Starring:
Mad Sacker [pictured below]
Hailie Morgan
Jean Patterson [pictured below]
Agent Jensen [pictured below]

ISSUE #14. The Mysterious Mad Sacker

Originally Released on October 15th, 2014

And Now The Issue…

Dear Diary - I mean - Manly Journal, (8/16/14)
Mindy kissed me yesterday. It was great. Clothes were torn. Emotions were high. Total lip-on-lip action. For the first time I feel like a man. This appears to mean I have a girlfriend. Although she was disguised as Retail-Red when the kissing went down. All I have to do is tell her I know her secret and reveal mine and we’re a couple. I am soooo happy!

Dear Manly Journal, (8/17/14)
I had a long talk with Mindy. It’s all out in the open now. She knows I’m Masked Bagger and she knows I know she’s Retail-Red. Plus I found out she already knew both of those, thanks to big mouth Tincher. Anyways, she explained to me that she likes me as a friend and thinks I’m cute, but doesn’t want to have a relationship with me. At least not right now. Of course, now I’m all paranoid that she and Mickey are doing stuff behind my back. I can’t help but think something’s up with them. Oh well.

Remember Adam, you ARE worthy of love.

Dear Manly Journal, (8/18/14)

Was walking around barefoot at my house when I got a splinter. So I spent the rest of the day using crutches that my neighbor gave me. What an ordeal it’s been. I hope things turn around for me.

CUT TO: It’s now October 15th. Adam Hauck and Professor Stan Tincher are sitting in Tincher’s office.

Adam Hauck: I am so in love with Mindy. I don’t know what to do now that she doesn’t want to be my girlfriend.

Professor Tincher: I suggest you just focus on your job: bag groceries and fight crime. The whole romance thing will work itself out.

Adam Hauck: Uh, no. I have to do something about this.

Professor Tincher: Adam, first Katie and now Mindy. You meet a girl and then obsess over her, causing her to feel uncomfortable around you. Just relax and things will be okay. You don’t need to keep creeping girls out.

Adam Hauck: I know I don’t *need* to. It’s just kinda my thing.

Professor Tincher: Adam, it appears Mindy isn’t interested in dating you. Just respect that.

Adam Hauck: If Mindy doesn’t want me - fine! I’ll go back to my real love, Katie.

CUT TO: Adam is standing at a register, bagging. Katie walks up to him.

Katie Collins: Adam.

Adam Hauck: Yeah?

Katie Collins: I have something to tell you… I’m pregnant.

Adam Hauck: Am I the father?

Katie Collins: What? No! Why would you think you were?

Adam Hauck: Well I didn’t really. Let me guess, your boyfriend is the father?

Katie Collins: Of course!

Adam Hauck: (sarcastically) Typical Katie.

They both smile at each other.

Adam Hauck: Congratulations. You’re gonna make a great mom.

Katie Collins: Thanks, Puddin’.

Mickey walks up.

Mickey Tork: What’s going on?

Katie Collins: I was just telling Adam that… I’m pregnant.

Mickey Tork: Congrats. Am I the father?

Katie Collins: What? No! Imma need you guys to get real!

Bernie walks past. Katie stops him.

Katie Collins: Bernie, I have some exciting news! I’m pregnant!

Bernie Boswell: Am I the father?

Katie Collins: Gross, no!

Bernie Boswell: I was just kidding. You don’t have to be so insulting.

Katie Collins: No, I *do* have to be insulting on that one. Do you guys even know how girls get pregnant?

Adam Hauck: I’ve heard stories.

CUT TO: Mickey is outside getting carts. Adam goes up to him. He wants to find out if Mickey and Mindy are having an affair.

Adam Hauck: Hey, Mickey.

Mickey Tork: Yeah?

Adam Hauck: What are you doing carts for? You’re the cleaner.

Mickey Tork: Brad didn’t show up today, so I’m covering his carts.

Adam Hauck: Who’s Brad? Oh, yeah - one of the *other* employees.

Mickey Tork: That would be Brad alright.

Adam Hauck: I have to ask you something. Are you and Mindy… I mean, are you two… well…

Mickey Tork: Wouldn’t *you* like to know.

Adam Hauck: Hence, I’m asking.

Mickey Tork: All I can tell you is…

Just then one of the bird-men swoops down, grabs Mickey, and flies off with him.

Adam Hauck: MICKEY!!!! WHAT WERE YOU ABOUT TO SAY???

Suddenly it sinks in that his friend is in trouble. Adam runs back inside and heads for the basement lab.

CUT TO: Katie is in the break room, texting her boyfriend (and baby daddy), Austin. Bernie enters and sits down right next to her. This makes her uncomfortable.

Katie Collins: Is there something you want to say?

Bernie Boswell: I’m going on a diet!

Katie Collins: Okay.

Bernie Boswell: Since I’m a D.J. for the Kroger station, I might have to make personal appearances from time to time and I want to look sexy and fit. While my sexiness shines through all the flab, the fit part does not.

Katie Collins: Okay.

Bernie Boswell: Say, is it true that eating hot foods can actually burn calories?

Katie Collins: What? No.

Bernie Boswell: Are you sure? Because the food is hot and heat tends to burn things.

Katie Collins: I’ll just say it - you can’t do this.

Bernie Boswell: Oh, I most certainly CAN do this. If I don’t lose ten pounds in five days, I will… date a younger girl. And you know my preference is older ladies. So this will be quite hard for me.

Katie Collins: How much younger?

Bernie Boswell: So young, I could get arrested.

Katie Collins: Of course not! Imma need you to go on a date with an 18-year-old. My man, Austin, has a sister I need to get revenge on, so I can set you up with her. Plus, this will make him happy because he wants revenge on her, too.

Bernie Boswell: Perfect! But, how exactly is this revenge?

CUT TO: Masked Bagger and Professor Tincher are in the basement lab.

Masked Bagger: Mickey’s been kidnapped by one of those big birds.

Professor Tincher: Oh no. I wonder if the birds are henchmen again for some super villain.

Masked Bagger: Could be, but who?

Suddenly, a new villain - Mad Sacker - appears on the monitor. He speaks with a distorted voice, so no one learns his identity. This is his actual voice though, no special effects required.

Mad Sacker: Attention Masked Bagger! I am the Mad Sacker. I need to speak with you. It’s a matter of life and death for one of the employees here at Kroger 717 - a certain red-headed bagger, who’s first and last names are names of members of The Monkees.

Masked Bagger: Mickey! (to himself) Let’s see… Michael Nesmith, Davy Jones, Micky Dolenz, Peter Tork. Mickey Tork! Why didn’t I ever notice that before? I love them!

Professor Tincher: Bagger, focus.

Mad Sacker: Meet me on the roof in ten minutes or Tork is getting sacked!

Masked Bagger: You’re going to fire him? You don’t have the authority!

Mad Sacker: No. From now on, whenever I say someone is getting “sacked” or I’m going to “sack” somebody, it means killed. I’m going to kill them. Don’t forget, ten minutes up on the roof! Sacker out!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger walks onto the roof and spots Mad Sacker. He goes over to him.

Masked Bagger: What do you want? Where’s Mickey?

Mad Sacker: If you want to see Mickey Tork alive again, you will do as I say.

Masked Bagger: Where is he!?!

Mad Sacker: Simmer down, Bagger. I just want you to know one thing… I don’t like you and I will take you down.

Masked Bagger: That’s two things.

Mad Sacker: Keep it up. See how that helps Tork.

Masked Bagger: What do you want?

Mad Sacker: To return Mickey safely to his friends and family. However, I can’t do that if you won’t cooperate.

Masked Bagger: I’m cooperating! What do you want?

Mad Sacker: You… gone.

Masked Bagger: Um, no.

Mad Sacker quickly pushes our hero off the roof. The villain then shoots a cart strap out of his right hand for the guardian to grab onto, which he does.

Mad Sacker: You will listen to me, Bagger. I will drop you to a splattering death if you don’t agree to a couple of things.

Masked Bagger: What?

Mad Sacker: Your pal Tincher needs to free all of the villains he has detained in the basement. This place could use some real tyranny as the bad guys overtake the good guys.

Masked Bagger: No. We won’t do any of this.

Mad Sacker: Then I shall do it for you.

Instead of letting go of the cart strap, Sacker pulls Masked Bagger up. Bagger punches the foe in the face. The Mad Sacker quickly extends his right arm, and a cart strap shoots out of his hand, wrapping it around our hero’s neck. He tightens it by pulling him closer, slightly choking Masked Bagger. Sacker lifts up Bagger by the cart strap and grins.

Mad Sacker: I’m going to get rid of you the fun way… slowly.

He then loosens his grip and pushes Masked Bagger backwards.

Mad Sacker: Go on a carry-out!

As our hero is still in mid-air, Sacker shoots a giant paper sack out of his left hand. It wraps itself around the 717 Guardian. Once inside, Masked Bagger doesn’t know what to do. He grabs his box cutter and cuts his way out. Once out, he finds himself standing by a cart corral. Turns out, the giant paper sack is a teleporter to the parking lot.

CUT TO: Later in the day, Katie enters the break room and spots Bernie sitting there, eating an entire Pizza Hut pizza. She smiles.

Katie Collins: What are you doing?

Bernie Boswell: I’m eating lunch. What does it look like I’m doing?

Katie Collins: It looks like you’re breaking your diet.

Bernie Boswell: That? Oh, you didn’t take me seriously, did you?

Katie Collins: No. That’s why I made the bet with you - to prove you wouldn’t do it.

Bernie Boswell: Wait, you’re not really going to set me up with your boyfriend’s 18-year-old sister, are you?

Katie Collins: Yep.

Bernie Boswell: (sighs) When?

Katie Collins: Tonight. You can go to that fancy restaurant next to Banta Bowling.

Bernie Boswell: That’s a fancy restaurant alright.

Katie Collins: I know. This will make my man so happy!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger and Professor Tincher are once again in the basement lab, chit-chatting about the latest villain.

Professor Tincher: We should figure out who he is. Usually, we tend to know, but this one baffles me.

Masked Bagger: Assuming it’s a co-worker, who’s not here today?

Professor Tincher: A lot of people. Not everybody is scheduled to work everyday, you know.

Masked Bagger: But of the people that were supposed to be here today. Come on, Tincher. I want answers!

Professor Tincher: What’s with this shift in attitude? You never talk to me this way.

Masked Bagger: I’m not often scared of the villains. I mean, not like this. I genuinely fear Mad Sacker will make good on his threats and kill Mickey.

Professor Tincher: Well let’s see. I believe Brad Hinshaw did a no call no show today. He’s our best bet.

Masked Bagger: I’ll drive over to his house and see if he’s there.

Professor Tincher: Drive? You mean the Bagger-Mobile? That shouldn’t be driven on regular roads.

Masked Bagger: No, I got my license and a car.

Professor Tincher: You did? That’s great!

Masked Bagger: Thanks, but I’m not making a big deal out of it.

We interrupt this episode of “Masked Bagger” to bring you some late-breaking news. ADAM HAUCK GOT HIS LICENSE AND A CAR! And now back to the story, already in progress.

Professor Tincher: Hmm, I don’t know how to answer that. But back to what we were saying, I don’t think the store should be without you right now. I’ll call his house. If he answers the phone, we know it’s not him.

Suddenly there’s a page over the intercom from one of the co-mangers.

Intercom Voice: Masked Bagger to the bakery! Masked Bagger to the bakery! The big birds are at it again!

Masked Bagger: You know, battling these big birds all the time has really taken away my bird phobia… is what I’d *like* to say.

Another page goes out on the intercom.

Intercom Voice: Mister Tincher, you have a call on line one. Mister Tincher, a call on line one.

Professor Tincher: I’d better take this in my office. Besides, if I’m down here too long, people tend to think I’ve gone home for the day.

Both Masked Bagger and Professor Tincher leave the basement. A few moments later, Mad Sacker enters. He is slowly walking around the basement lab. He heads over to the computer and notices a file that says “Masked Bagger.” He clicks on it. A video of Professor Tincher plays.

Professor Tincher: If you’re watching this… we need your help. I work for Kroger store 717. It’s um, on a different Earth, so your travel arrangements will be quite unique.

The video ends and Mad Sacker grins.

Mad Sacker: So Masked Bagger - you are not from this Earth. I can use that to destroy you. I just need to find out who you are under that black mask.

He sits down and looks at the monitors. This gives him an idea. He searches for Masked Bagger. When he sees him, he rewinds the footage to see where the hero came from. He spots the 717 Guardian going into the bagger’s closet (backwards). When he comes out (or technically goes in, since the footage is in rewind), it’s Adam Hauck, mild-mannered bagger. The Sacker grins again. He likes doing that.

Mad Sacker: Well, well. Adam Hauck is The Masked Bagger. This is some very interesting information. I know just how to destroy Adam.

CUT TO: Mindy Dalton goes up to the break room. She notices a sacked lunch sitting on a table with her name on it. She opens it up. A gas is released and she passes out.

CUT TO: Adam heads home. Once he arrives, he notices his house has been broken into. His TV screen is smashed in. His prized DVD collection is all over the floor, with many of the discs scratched or even broken in half. He runs back to his computer and sees his Facebook page is on the screen. A few naked pictures of Adam have been posted to his page.

Adam Hauck: What!?! No!!!!

Now Adam knows how celebrities with leaked nudie pictures feel… embarrassed! Adam wonders who did this and why. He also wonders why all the comments were of people saying “LOL” and “OMG” and “Embarrassing!” and not one single comment saying “Looking Good, Adam!” Mad Sacker enters the room. Adam turns around.

Mad Sacker: Welcome to your nightmare.

Adam Hauck: This is NOT my nightmare. There are no birds *anywhere* around!

Suddenly, twenty or so, regular-sized birds fly into the room. Adam screams, jumps out his window, and hops into his car, and drives back to Kroger. Birds are Adam’s Kryptonite, after all.

CUT TO: Bernie is on his date with Katie’s boyfriend’s sister, Emma. He looks bored. She looks unhappy.

Bernie Boswell: So, uh, you’re eighteen, eh?

She nods yes.

Bernie Boswell: You’re out of high school, I take it?

She nods yes.

Bernie Boswell: In college?

She nods no.

Bernie Boswell: Well this has been great. What’s say we end this right now? Sound good?

Emma gets up and runs out of the restaurant. Bernie sits there for a moment. He’s inside a restaurant and not about to leave without ordering and eating a meal. While he waits for the waiter, he looks across the room and spots a woman sitting alone at a table. She has to be in her eighties, and she looks sad. Bernie gets up and goes over to her.

Bernie Boswell: Excuse me, miss. You look like you got stood up.

Jean Patterson: No, sonny. On this day every year I come here. You see, it’s my husband’s and my anniversary.

Bernie Boswell: Is he in the bathroom, or…?

Jean Patterson: Well you’re a nosy one.

Bernie Boswell: Sorry.

Jean Patterson: He passed away five years ago. Not a day goes by I don’t think about him. I still find myself celebrating our anniversary here every year. I miss him so.

Bernie Boswell: He was a lucky guy to be with such an attractive woman like yourself, I must say.

Jean Patterson: Excuse me, sonny, but are you - as the young people say - hitting on me?

Bernie Boswell: Yes.

Jean Patterson: This is a day for Herbert and myself.

Bernie Boswell: Of course.

Jean Patterson: It would be foolish of me to promise anything to you, but I’ll give you my number. You can call me sometime. My name is Jean Patterson.

She gets a piece of paper and pen from her purse and writes her number on it and hands it to Bernie.

Bernie Boswell: Thank you. I’m Bernie, by the way. Bernie Boswell. So now, is this the number for your landline or your cell phone?

Jean Patterson: Cell phone?

Bernie Boswell: (smiles) Perfect.

CUT TO: Adam runs into the basement where Tincher resides.

Professor Tincher: Adam! I tried to call you but you didn’t answer.

Adam Hauck: I have some news!

Professor Tincher: So do I. Mindy’s in the hospital.

Adam Hauck: What!?! Is she gonna be okay?

Professor Tincher: Yes. She’s been gassed. I found her passed out on the floor next to a small paper sack. I rushed her to the hospital and they said she’s lucky to be alive. It was poisonous gas.

Adam Hauck: How did she survive?

Professor Tincher: I don’t know. That gas would have killed anyone from this world instantly. She’ll be back to work tomorrow though. I guess we just got lucky this time.

Adam Hauck: Yes we did. Listen, Professor, Mad Sacker was just at my house. He had hacked into my Facebook and posted pics of me.

The Professor gets his cell phone out and is about to get on Facebook. Adam quickly grabs the phone and throws it against a wall, breaking it.

Professor Tincher: Adam!

Adam Hauck: Trust me, Professor. You don’t want to see those pictures!

Professor Tincher: Wait, so Sacker knows you’re Masked Bagger?

Adam Hauck: Yes.

Professor Tincher: But how?

Adam Hauck: I’d like to know the answer to that one myself.

Adam looks over and spots a sacked lunch which says “Professor Tincher” on it. This seems odd to him.

Adam Hauck: Professor, is that your lunch?

Professor Tincher: What? No. Come to think of it, the sack that gassed Mindy had her name on it, too. He’s been down here!

Adam Hauck: That’s creepy. Twice today I’ve felt violated.

Professor Tincher: How did this Sacker character find the basement lab, or even know it’s connected to Masked Bagger?

Adam Hauck: I don’t know. Wait a second. Last year, when Mickey’s brother was kidnapped by Cartastrophe, I brought Mickey down here. He wanted to help me save his brother.

Professor Tincher: What? Where was I?

Adam Hauck: You were chatting it up with that reporter all day. Mad Sacker must be torturing Mickey for information. This is more serious than I thought!

CUT TO: The next day. Katie is bagging groceries for Mindy. Bernie walks up to the register.

Bernie Boswell: Katie.

Katie Collins: Yeah?

Bernie Boswell: I had a great time last night.

This peaks Mindy’s curiosity.

Katie Collins: I’m glad.

Bernie Boswell: Yes, going on a date is just what I needed. I think this is the beginning of something wonderful.

Katie Collins: Just making my man happy.

Bernie Boswell: You have changed my life forever. I’ve totally forgotten about Debbie Garfield. I love you, Katie Collins. Thanks.

Katie Collins: Let’s go somewhere and talk about this.

Mindy Dalton: (to herself) I must be having hallucinations from the gas.

Adam walks over to the registers when all of a sudden, Mad Sacker approaches him.

Mad Sacker: I’ve got one more big trick up my sleeve, but you’ll have to be patient to find out what it is.

Adam Hauck: Not here! (quietly) I’m not in costume.

Mad Sacker: I don’t care. I wanna finish you right here, in front of your co-workers and the customers.

Everyone watches, including Katie and Bernie, who hadn’t yet left to talk about his date. Mad Sacker punches Adam in the face. He falls back. Then Sacker lifts him up and throws him in the air. There’s a gasp from everybody watching as he lands inside the bagger’s closet. A few seconds later, Masked Bagger barges out and looks back, pretending Adam is still inside the closet.

Masked Bagger: Don’t worry, Adam. I’ll take it from here!

Our precious hero runs over to Mad Sacker at full speed and gets his bag-gun out. Without hesitation, the 717 Guardian shoots the foe with it. However, just before it captures him, the Sacker ejects a large paper sack from his left hand and gets inside. Bagger’s plastic bag then surrounds the vile villain and our hero thinks it’s over.

Masked Bagger: It’s over!

Suddenly, Mad Sacker returns from the front door.

Mad Sacker: You’ll have to excuse me. I was on a carry-out.

Masked Bagger takes out a cart strap and twirls it in the air a few times before landing a blow on Mad Sacker’s face. Sacker then does the exact same thing to his opponent. While Bagger is covering his cut lip with his hand, the Mad Sacker shoots out another cart strap, aiming for our hero’s ankle. Once it’s wrapped around, the villain pulls up, which causes Masked Bagger to fall on his butt. He then gets out a sacked lunch with “Masked Bagger” written on it. He tosses it down but the hero catches it, and throws it back, slamming into Sacker and busting open, causing him to inhale some of the toxic gas. He passes out. Having super power prevents the gas from being 100 percent toxic to Mad Sacker. He is still captured by the 717 Guardian, however.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger walks into the basement lab. Professor Tincher is standing by the doorway to the prison hallway. He looks troubled.

Masked Bagger: What did you want, Professor? I’m still searching for clues as to where Mickey might be.

Professor Tincher: I think you need to see something.

Masked Bagger: Okay.

They walk through the hallway with a countless number of jail cells. The two men walk past Pineapple-Man’s cell, as well as Powder’s and even Meat-Man’s. They spot an empty one that’s not supposed to be empty.

Masked Bagger: Who’s supposed to be in there?

Professor Tincher: Cartastrophe. He’s escaped.

Masked Bagger: Oh no. Last time we battled, he wanted to get revenge on Mickey. I hope Cart’s not involved in this.

Professor Tincher: It wasn’t Mad Sacker who kidnapped Mickey. It was Cartastrophe.

Masked Bagger: How do you know?

Professor Tincher: Mad Sacker told me.

Masked Bagger: And you believed him?

Tincher points to the cell containing Mad Sacker. He’s sitting on a bench with his mask beside him. Bagger looks over and is horrified to see that Mickey Tork IS the Mad Sacker!

Masked Bagger: What!?! No… this CAN’T be!

Professor Tincher: I’m afraid so, Bagger.

Mickey looks up with an evil grin on his face, which sends chills up and down our hero’s spine.

Masked Bagger: I have to find Cartastrophe… and make him pay!

CUT TO: Professor Tincher, Adam Hauck, Katie Collins, Bernie Boswell, Mindy Dalton and Hailie Morgan are sitting around in the manager’s office. They all look sad - for obvious reasons.

Professor Tincher: If I am ever able to find a cure for this, I *will* pull Mickey out of it. Until then, he will be locked up in the basement prison with all the other super villains. If anyone wants to visit him, just let me know.

Katie Collins: I can’t believe this is happening.

Adam Hauck: Mickey is the one who trained me when I first got here. (smiles) He thought I was suicidal. This place won’t be the same without him.

Bernie Boswell: I remember there was slight tension when I first came to this store because I instantly became Employee of the Month, preventing Mickey from the honor of having it for three consecutive months - which is referred to as the Employee of the Month Turkey.

Katie Collins: Mick was my best friend here.

Hailie Morgan: ‘scuse me?

Katie Collins: My best *guy* friend.

Adam Hauck: Excuse me.

Katie Collins: Adam, shut up.

Adam Hauck: Okay.

Katie Collins: It’s been an honor to bag alongside him for the few years that I did. Adam was right. This place definitely won’t be the same.

Hailie Morgan: I’m gonna miss him, even if Mickey be a skinny little white boy.

Adam Hauck: You’re a skinny little white *girl*.

Hailie Morgan: Only on the outside, cracker.

Mindy Dalton: I’m going to miss all the attention Mickey showed me. He’s a fun guy and I pray for a full mental recovery for him.

Professor Tincher: By the way, I’ve contacted his family and informed them that Mickey had joined the Witness Protection Program.

Bernie Boswell: Wait, I thought he became evil.

Professor Tincher: Of course, Bernie, but I can’t just call his parents and tell them that their son has been transformed into an evil super villain who wears an upside down paper sack over his head. I mean, I *could* but this just sounds better.

Suddenly a government agent walks into the office.

Professor Tincher: Can I help you?

Agent Jensen: I’m Agent Jensen and I’m looking for an Adam Hauck.

Adam Hauck: I’m Adam Hauck

Agent Jensen: Mr. Hauck, I am here to inform you that you are being deported. If you have not left within two weeks, you will spend ten years behind bars in a federal prison. And - to quote all the wonderful cashiers of this delightful store - “have a nice day.”

He hands Adam an official letter, which states Adam is an illegal alien, coming from a different Earth level. Jensen leaves. Adam looks freaked.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

ISSUE #15. Crime-Fighting Stinks!

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Ben Davis [pictured below]
Bernie Boswell
Mindy Dalton

Guest Starring:
Trash Beast [picture below]
Hailie Morgan-Hauck
Jean Patterson
Agent Jensen

ISSUE #15. Crime-Fighting Stinks!

Originally Released on October 31st, 2014

And Now I Present To You This Issue…

Adam Hauck is dressed up in a tuxedo in Tincher’s office. The Professor (also dressed up) enters.

Adam Hauck: Professor, are you sure this is the only way?

Professor Tincher: I’m afraid so, Adam.

Adam Hauck: I can honestly say when I first met Hailie Morgan, I had no idea I would one day make her my wife.

Professor Tincher: The law says if you marry someone from this Earth level, you’ll no longer be an illegal alien.

Adam Hauck: Tell me again, how long do we have to be married?

Professor Tincher: At least five months.

Adam Hauck: This is all so sitcommy. Which - to be honest - is the only reason I’m tolerating it.

Professor Tincher: Adam just be glad Hailie agreed to marry you. She knows this is a phony marriage. She thinks you’re a Canadian who needs a green card to stay in America. She doesn’t love you anymore than you love her.

Adam Hauck: I still don’t understand why Mindy wouldn’t marry me. I mean, I know she said she doesn’t want to date me, but there doesn’t have to be any dating in the marriage.

Professor Tincher: To be honest, I don’t know why either. Since the truth came out about your and her secret identities, you’d think that would bring us all closer together. She’s been distant though.

21-year-old Ben Davis, Mickey’s replacement, enters the room.

Ben Davis: The bride is getting antsy. She doesn’t want to wait any longer. Are you ready, Adam?

Adam Hauck: (sighs) Ready as I’ll ever be.

Ben Davis: I know I’m new here and everything, but this is one wacky store. Who gets married on the clock at their workplace?

Adam Hauck: Getting married on the clock means I’m actually getting paid to marry Hailie. Though not enough if you ask me.

Ben Davis: Don’t you love her?

Adam Hauck: No.

Ben Davis: What?! Then why are you marrying her?

Adam Hauck: Because I have to.

Ben Davis: Oh. You got her knocked up.

Adam Hauck: What? No! I’m an illegal…

Professor Tincher: Too much! (to Adam) You don’t need to explain yourself. (to Ben) Adam will be out in a minute. Go ahead and take your seat.

Ben Davis: Okay, Mr. Tincher.

Ben exits the office. Tincher turns to Adam.

Professor Tincher: You can’t go around telling everybody that this is a green card marriage. You don’t know who you can trust. Ben has only worked here for a couple weeks, since right after you got you deportation papers. For all we know, he’s a spy for Agent Jensen.

Adam Hauck: But I don’t want anyone to think I’m in love with Hailie. I mean, she’s not ugly or anything, but she’s so annoying. I just have zero attraction to her. Plus, I can’t stand that overly exaggerated ghetto way she speaks.

Professor Tincher: Adam, no one can, but you have to make this believable, especially if Agent Jensen shows up for the wedding.

Adam Hauck: Okay. Boy, I wish Mad Sacker didn’t turn me in to the government. Look at all the trouble he’s caused.

Professor Tincher: I know. Now get out there. It’s time to have us a wedding - Kroger style.

CUT TO: Inside the dumpster, the garbage is rustling around. There’s something alive in there. An employee opens the door, throws trash inside and pushes the button, compacting the garbage. When it’s over, the employee walks away, however, the garbage continues to rustle. Whatever was alive in there was not harmed by the compactor.

CUT TO: The manager’s office. It’s time for Adam and Hailie’ s wedding. Adam is standing in front of the minister, with Tincher by his side, serving as Best Man. Those in attendance are Ben Davis, Mindy Dalton, Bernie Boswell, his date Jean Patterson, Agent Jensen and as the bridesmaid, Katie Collins. The only ones who know it’s a green card marriage are Mindy, Bernie and Katie, since they know Adam was to be deported. The music begins and Hailie walks down the isle, along with her father. Once at the alter, Hailie smiles at Adam, who puts on a fake smile himself. The minister begins.

The Minister: We are gathered here today to join Adam Wesley Hauck and Hailie Princess Morgan. Princess?

Hailie’s Dad: Yes. She’s daddy’s little princess.

The Minister: Okay. Adam Wesley Hauck and Hailie Princess Morgan in holy matrimony.

Bernie Boswell: (quietly to Jean) This certainly gets me in the mood for marriage. What are your thoughts on marriage?

Jean Patterson: Considering I was married to my late husband for fifty-seven years, I’m pro-marriage.

The Minister: I understand you have each written your own vows. Hailie, you may go first.

Hailie Morgan: I done searched high and low for a man to be tied down to. I ain’t talking kinky, neither. I be talking marriage. You may not be the color I saw myself with. You may be kinda chunky and yo face ain’t nothing to write home ‘bout, neither. But I love you.

The Minister: (sarcastically) Wow, beautiful sentiment. Adam, your turn.

Adam Hauck: My love for you knows no bounds. And even though your face is average at best, and you speak like you’re an alien from another planet who doesn’t have the full grasp of the English language yet - funny how *I’m* the one considered an alien - I need to spend the coming months with you.

Tincher clears his throat.

Adam Hauck: Fine, spend my life with you. With your father’s permission, I’d like to make you *my* princess now.

The Minister: I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m certainly feeling the love in this room right now.

CUT TO: At the reception, Agent Jensen walks up to Adam.

Agent Jensen: Congratulations to the both of you.

Adam Hauck: Thank you. So I guess this means I get to stay in this Earth level, right?

Agent Jensen: Of course. If this is a legitimate marriage.

Adam Hauck: What do you mean?

Agent Jensen: I mean if I find out this is just a sham, so you can stay, I’ll have to throw you in prison.

Adam Hauck: Boy, you’re certainly prison-crazy. If you want me out of the Earth level, shouldn’t you physically deport me yourself?

Agent Jensen: If I do that, you can just sneak back later. I want to make sure you don’t do it again. Ten years behind bars and then I deport you. Real punishment.

Adam Hauck: Well, anyways, I’m married. So legally I get to stay.

Agent Jensen: That law wasn’t made to be a loophole so foreigners could stay in the country or Earth level. That law was made for people who are in love, so they don’t have to be separated. Now do you love this Hailie person or not?

Adam Hauck: I do.

Agent Jensen: Well that’s good to hear. I’ll be checking up on you from time to time and interviewing friends to make sure this is a legitimate marriage. If at any point I find it’s not, well, both you and the lovely Mrs. Hauck will end up behind bars.

Adam Hauck: Not in the same cell, right?

Agent Jensen: Of course not.

Adam Hauck: (pretending to be upset) Darn. But since our marriage is real, that’s not a situation I have to worry about.

Agent Jensen: Good. Well I’ll see you when I see you.

Agent Jensen exits the office. Adam sighs.

Adam Hauck: I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but now I have to actually live with my wife.

CUT TO: The Trash Beast is sitting in garbage and reflecting on how he got to this point. It happened on April 13th of this year. As Harry McHale, he was throwing trash from a laboratory into his trash truck. What he was unaware of was the fact that there was radioactive matter inside. As he smashed the garbage and returned to the driver’s seat, the radiation found its way to the front of the truck. On Earth level one (Adam’s level) radiation kills, but on Earth level two, it mutates people and gives them powers. He’s affected by the radiation. His body feels strange as he drives behind the Kroger building and crashes. Just then, a Kroger employee - Dylan Stephens - comes up to see if the man is okay. He opens the door.

Dylan Stephens: Are you okay?

Harry McHale: No! Neither are you. You’’ve been exposed to radiation!

The man runs off, leaving behind his truck. He doesn’t make it out of the parking lot before he makes a full transformation into The Trash Beast! He quickly finds his way to the dumpster and resides there.

CUT TO: Later in the day, Professor Tincher walks past the frozen food department when all of a sudden he slips on a freshly mopped floor and lands on his butt. Just as he hits the floor, Ben Davis arrives and sets a “Wet Floor” sign down.

Ben Davis: Floor’s wet, sir.

Professor Tincher: Yeah, I figured that out for myself.

Ben Davis: I’m sorry. I mopped and *then* realized the sign wasn’t with me. I went to get it as fast as I could but I was too late.

Professor Tincher: Oh, it’s okay. At least it was me and not a customer. So how are you liking being the cleaner?

Ben Davis: As much as I can enjoy being a guy who cleans a grocery store. This isn’t exactly what I wanted to do with my life.

The Professor stands up.

Professor Tincher: What do you want to do with your life?

Ben Davis: I want to be a screenwriter. One day, I plan on writing a screenplay about you.

Professor Tincher: Me? Why me?

Ben Davis: I know who you are. You’re the unsung hero of the store. Masked Bagger gets all the glory, and he certainly deserves some, but you are the guy who keeps everything together. You’re the guy who instructs Masked Bagger. You’re the man behind the superhero. I think you should get your due.

Professor Tincher: (touched) Well I know who’s going to be the Employee of the Month for November.

Katie Collins walks up to the Professor and Ben.

Katie Collins: Mr. Tincher, I think Masked Bagger needs to be alerted.

Professor Tincher: Why’s that, Katie?

Katie Collins: I just threw some trash down the dumpster and it threw it back at me and snarled. I’m pregnant now. I can’t be dealing with this silly store.

Professor Tincher: Adam and Hailie are on their honeymoon at the moment, so why don’t I take a look at it?

Katie Collins: What do Adam and Hailie have to do with Masked Bagger?

The Professor realizes he’s slipped up.

Professor Tincher: Because Masked Bagger is accompanying them to make sure everything is okay. So he’s not available either.

Katie Collins: Well do something about it. Imma take my break now. My stomach be growling.

She walks off.

Ben Davis: Katie kind of talks like Hailie.

Professor Tincher: No, actually she’s getting much better. She used to be a lot worse. But once she realized that talking like that, she wouldn’t be able to be a teacher - which is apparently her dream job - she toned it down.

CUT TO: The honeymoon, which is just Adam’s house. The newlyweds are in the kitchen.

Hailie Hauck: Just so you be in the know, we will be pressing it.

Adam Hauck: What are you talking about?

Hailie Hauck: We married. If I have to live with you, I wanna bump nasties. What is it about “pressing it” you don’t understand?

Adam Hauck: But this is a fake marriage. You don’t even find me sexy. Which has been something I’ve always liked about you.

Hailie Hauck: True, you ain’t typically be my type, but this whole situation has got me hot for hubby. You, running from the law. Me, right by yo side. Let’s get to the bed.

Adam Hauck: Look, I’m not a prude or anything, but I’m also not the kind of guy who just sleeps around. When I do - the deed - it’ll be because I’m in love.

Hailie Hauck: If you can’t have sex with yo wife, who can you have sex with?

Adam Hauck: You make a strong argument and yet I’m not going into that bedroom with you. If I have anything, I have my morals.

Hailie Hauck: The same morals that got you to post naked pics of yo-self on Facebook?

Adam Hauck: I was hacked! I didn’t post those!

Hailie Hauck: Whatever! We gonna do this. Now because I go for black men and you’re as pasty white as a piece of paper, I’ve got some makeup for you.

Adam Hauck: You want me to wear black face?

Hailie Hauck: Not *just* yo face. Everywhere.

Adam Hauck: I’m not doing that!

Hailie Hauck: Of course not. I be applying it to your body.

Adam Hauck: No! Stay back! Back!

Hailie Hauck: What’s your problem?

Adam Hauck: Isn’t it obvious? I’m not attracted to you. I don’t want to do these things with you. I wish it was Mindy who married me, or even Katie. All we need to do is convince Agent Jensen that we’re a happily married couple. No more.

Hailie Hauck: How can I be happy with no sex?

Adam Hauck: Take up a hobby.

Hailie Hauck: Hobbies are for losers who can’t get sex.

Adam Hauck: Well you’re just a little nympho, aren’t you? Forget that. Forget that. We just need to convince Agent Jensen that this is a real marriage.

Hailie Hauck: I can’t lie. Imma have to tell him we’re not sexually active. I’ll say we still in love, ‘cause I love all people, but we not on pressing it terms.

Adam Hauck: That story won’t jive with Jensen.

Hailie Hauck: “Jive”? You talk funny.

Adam Hauck: I’m going for a walk.

Hailie Hauck: When you get back, we gonna get it on.

Adam Hauck: You have a one-track mind, missy!

Adam exits the house.

CUT TO: Adam enters the store and sees Mindy clocking out for a break. He walks up to her.

Adam Hauck: Mindy, way to let me down. When I needed you, you weren’t there for me. Now I’m stuck with Hailie.

Mindy Dalton: Get off my back, Adam.

Adam Hauck: We’re friends. Why wouldn’t you marry me to keep me from being deported?

Mindy Dalton: I’m not responsible for you.

Adam Hauck: Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?

Mindy Dalton: Okay, fine. I couldn’t marry you because I’m also an illegal alien. I come from Earth level three. I came to this level with my fiancé.

Adam Hauck: Fiancé? But you kissed me! Did I become… the other man?

Mindy Dalton: I just got carried away when I kissed you. You see, my fiancé is the level three version of you.

Adam Hauck: Really!?! So you’re saying that there’s an actual universe where I can get you? That’s awesome!

Mindy Dalton: Well my Adam has a better hairdo. He works out and thus has a great muscular body.

Adam Hauck: I am just a piece of meat to you. YIPPEE!!!

Mindy Dalton: He’s also overflowing with confidence, almost to the point of pure arrogance. You two are not alike.

Adam Hauck: So where’s Mister Perfect Adam now?

Mindy Dalton: I don’t know. We came to this level together and then he just disappeared. I got word from an underground source that this store has been known to turn regular people into super villains. That’s why I came here - to see if he’s one of them. But so far, no luck. And since I need money, I decided to get a job here.

Adam Hauck: And why are you Retail-Red?

Mindy Dalton: To get up close and personal with the super villains, searching for Adam. But also because I want to help keep this store safe. I’m still a good person who wants to do good in the world. I just also want to find my man.

Adam Hauck: So that’s why you don’t want to date me. Because you’re already dating me.

Mindy Dalton: Precisely.

Adam Hauck: I’ll help you search for Adam #3.

Mindy Dalton: #3?

Adam Hauck: Yep. He comes from Earth level three. Hence Adam #3. I guess since I come from level one, I’m Adam #1. Sounds about right.

Professor Tincher runs over to them.

Professor Tincher: Adam, I didn’t know you were here. We need Masked Bagger over by the dumpster. There’s some sort of monster in there. He’s attacked three employees already. There haven’t been any casualties, but he needs to be stopped.

Adam Hauck: But this is my honeymoon.

Professor Tincher: Would you rather be with Hailie?

Adam Hauck: Let me get my costume!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger heads to the back dock. The door to the dumpster is closed. Our hero takes a deep breath, holds it, and opens the door. He doesn’t notice anything suspicious. He climbs inside and crouches down at the top. Trash Beast knows someone is invading his territory. By remote control, he slams the door shut and locks it. Masked Bagger turns around and starts pounding on the door. Suddenly he slips, and slides down, landing in garbage. The smell is too much. The 717 Guardian does the best he can to hold his breath, but it’s not easy.

Trash Beast: What do you mean by coming here?

Masked Bagger: So you’re the monster of the dumpster?

Trash Beast: The name’s Trash Beast. Not that you’re going to tell anybody about it. You won’t make it out of here alive!

Masked Bagger: I beg to differ!

Trash Beast: Beg all you want. This is your final resting place.

Masked Bagger: Trash Beast, meet bag-gun.

Our hero takes it out of its holster and aims it at the smelly monster. At a fast pace, Beast swipes it out of our hero’s hand, and it lands in another part of the dump. Masked Bagger quickly shoots a cart strap out of his right hand, but the mean beast of the dump gets a hold of it, swings it in the air a few times before wrapping it around the 717 Guardian’s neck. He then pulls Masked Bagger out of the trash and hurls him to the other end of the dump. This is not a good feeling to our hero, who quickly removes the strap from his neck.

Masked Bagger: This is not going my way.

Trash Beast: You think?

CUT TO: Katie is over in the non-foods department doing a price check. Bernie is standing next to her, just chit-chatting. Ben sees this and goes over to them.

Ben Davis: Katie, is this guy bugging you?

Katie Collins: No.

Ben Davis: Really? Well what’s your secret? ‘cause he bugs the crap outta me.

Bernie Boswell: I’m an acquired taste. You just gotta get used to me.

Ben Davis: No offense, but no thanks.

Bernie Boswell: I’m gonna make you my special project.

Ben Davis: Say what?

Bernie Boswell: I promise you that in one year, you and I will be the best of friends. What do you say?

Ben Davis: I say if I’m still working here in one year, shoot me.

Katie laughs.

Bernie Boswell: What’s funny, Katie?

Katie Collins: I felt the same way when I started here. But unless you have the chance for a career out there, there’s no reason to leave.

Ben Davis: Oh there’s a reason, alright. It’s called pride. I don’t want to be cleaning toilets forever.

Bernie Boswell: So work your way up the Kroger ladder.

Ben Davis: I’m just working here until I finish college. Then it’s off to Hollywood to write movies.

Bernie Boswell: Oh, how twenty-one-year-olds are so naïve.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is still in the dumpster with a new foe, the ferocious (and smelly) Trash Beast.

Masked Bagger: Who are you?

Trash Beast: I already told ya… Trash Beast!

Masked Bagger: You weren’t born this way. Who were you before?

Trash Beast: I was just a regular guy, doing my job when something happened and now I’m evil. Your typical super villain origin story.

Suddenly, Trash Beast lunges at our hero, he takes a swipe, slicing Masked Bagger’s chest. The 717 Guardian finds a wet, dirty mop-head and smacks Beast in the face with it. That wild animal of the dumpster quickly runs up the slide and opens the door. He pushes the button to start the compactor, then he slides down to make sure Masked Bagger is going to be crushed.

Masked Bagger: Are you insane? You’ll die, too!

Trash Beast: You know NOTHING about me. I can be flattened like a pancake and it won’t kill me. You, on the other hand… well, this is the end of the 717 Guardian, hahahaha!

As this is going on, our hero recalls the 1960s “Batman” series, and suddenly feels like he’s in one of those episodes.

Same Bagger Time, Same Bagger Channel!

Trash Beast: Being squished feels great. Oh, I know it’s not for everybody, but I love it.

The whole dumpster is getting tighter. Masked Bagger climbs on top of the trash and tries to make his way to the slide by the door. Each time he does, however, Trash Beast grabs him and throws him back in.

Masked Bagger: Stop doing that!

Trash Beast: If I stop, you just might live. I can’t have that.

Our precious hero manages to stay on top of the garbage as it feels like compacting is about finished. Suddenly, however, he slips and falls to the bottom of the dumpster. Trash is coming closer all around him. This feels like the end. He’s being crushed. It’s only a matter of seconds before it’s lights out for Masked Bagger! Luck is on his side today, as the compactor stops pushing in and starts pulling out. In other words, it’s no longer compacting.

Masked Bagger: Ha! I survived!

Trash Beast: Only because you did.

Masked Bagger: Huh?

Trash Beast: Very impressive staying on top of the trash.

The monster looks over and spots the bag-gun. He grabs it and aims it at the 717 Guardian, then shoots. Masked Bagger has just been bagged!

CUT TO: Bernie is sitting in the booth, getting ready to record a commercial to air over the intercom. Jean Patterson walks in.

Jean Patterson: Bernie, dear. We need to talk.

Bernie Boswell: What is it, my love?

Jean Patterson: Things are moving very fast for us.

Bernie Boswell: Well yes. They have to. I mean, who knows how much time you have left.

As soon as he said that, he wished he hadn’t.

Jean Patterson: It’s okay. You’re right. That’s why I’d like you to meet my kids.

Bernie Boswell: Oh, of course. How old are the little tikes?

Jean Patterson: Fifty-seven and sixty-two. Were you expecting young kids?

Bernie Boswell: At first I was. I had a blonde moment.

Jean Patterson: If my kids like you, we can discuss some sort of living together arrangement.

Bernie Boswell: Wow, you mean you’d live with my parents and me?

Jean Patterson: Oh Bernie. I always did like my men stupid.

CUT TO: Inside the bag, our hero has no way of getting out. He tries slicing it with his box cutter, but to no avail. This was designed by Professor Tincher and he knows there’s no way out. Suddenly, he hears the compactor starting up again. He won’t be able to move around to safety this time.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger’s funeral… just kidding! Professor Tincher is in the basement lab. He figures it’s been a while since the fight began and he wonders how Masked Bagger is doing.

Professor Tincher: It’s a good thing I put a security camera in the dumpster a while back to catch dumpster divers.

He turns the monitor on and sees Trash Beast and someone who’s been bagged.

Professor Tincher: Bagger!

The Professor quickly activates the teleportation device on the bag and it vanishes in front of Trash Beast’s eyes. It enters the basement lab. Tincher goes to it and opens it up. Masked Bagger gets out.

Masked Bagger: What just happened?

Professor Tincher: I teleported you here. I put a device on each bag in the event you wouldn’t be able to carry it down here.

Masked Bagger: When did you do that?

Professor Tincher: Oh, months ago.

Masked Bagger: So I’ve been dragging villains down those stairs when I could have just had you zap them down here?

Professor Tincher: Yes. Are you mad?

Masked Bagger: I wanna be, but seeing as you saved my life, I’m just grateful. How in the world am I going to defeat Trash Beast, though?

Professor Tincher: I’ve got an idea.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is standing in front of the dumpster. He opens the door and throws the end of some kind of fishing rod in. He waits for a few moments. Eventually, he gets a bite. He reels it in and has a bagged Trash Beast. As soon as the foe touched the bait, it formed a bag around him.

Masked Bagger: Can’t help but wish the Professor had given this to me from the start.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher and Masked Bagger are in the basement lab.

Professor Tincher: Just as I suspected. Trash Beast used to be a garbage man named Harry McHale. McHale went missing a few months ago and now you and I are the only ones who know what happened to him.

Masked Bagger: This is a guy that’s not from our store. Will he remain locked up down here? This is a place for Kroger villains.

Professor Tincher: It’s a place for super villains. Yes, he’ll remain here. However, I’ll contact his family so they can visit him whenever they want. They should know he’s alive, in some capacity.

Masked Bagger: Sounds good.

Professor Tincher: Now Adam, no offense, but you smell… real bad. So I’m gonna ask you to go home now.

Masked Bagger: But going home means seeing… my wife!

CUT TO: Adam returns home after a hard day of crime-fighting. He’s exhausted and fears what Hailie has in store for him.

Adam Hauck: (sarcastically) Hi honey, I’m home.

Hailie rushes out to the living room, in some skimpy outfit. She gets a whiff of Adam and almost gags.

Hailie Hauck: You stink!

Adam Hauck: Yeah, I accidentally fell in a dumpster.

Hailie Hauck: You sleeping on the couch tonight.

She goes back into her bedroom and closes the door. Adam smiles.

Adam Hauck: Thank you, Trash Beast.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

ISSUE #16. Cartastrophic

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Ben Davis
Bernie Boswell
Mindy Dalton

Guest Starring:
Cartastrophe [pictured below]
Hailie Hauck
Kroger Devil [pictured below]

ISSUE #16. Cartastrophic

Originally Released on November 29th, 2014

And Now, The Issue…

In the basement lab, Professor Tincher is with a woman. They are coming out of the prison cell hallway.

Professor Tincher: It was so nice to see you again, Mrs. Jenkins.

Mrs. Jenkins: My son may be evil, but he’s still my son and I love him. Thank you for choosing not to have the super villains killed, Mister Tincher.

Professor Tincher: If I did that, I’d be no better than them.

Mrs. Jenkins: I’ll see you again next week.

Professor Tincher: Okay, goodbye.

She walks away as Adam Hauck enters the basement. They pass each other.

Adam Hauck: Who’s that?

Professor Tincher: That’s Rob Jenkins’ mother. She came to visit her son down here.

Adam Hauck: Wait, she knows about him?

Professor Tincher: Of course. She’s been visiting him ever since he was incarcerated. I get a lot of visitors for the villains.

Adam Hauck: What about Mickey’s family?

Professor Tincher: No. I didn’t have the heart to tell them about him. I said he joined the Witness Protection Program. I feel bad about that, but I just couldn’t tell them that their beloved family member is evil.

Adam Hauck: I think you should tell them.

The Professor smiles as he changes the subject.

Professor Tincher: So Adam, how’s married life?

Adam Hauck: Exactly as Al Bundy led me to believe it would be.

Professor Tincher: Just remember, it’s only temporary.

Adam Hauck: No need to remind me. That’s the single thought that’s getting me through this.

Professor Tincher: I have some good news.

Adam Hauck: Great. I could use some.

Professor Tincher: Cartastrophe has been spotted earlier today. Which means we can return him to his cell.

Adam Hauck: And finally bring him to justice for turning Mickey into Mad Sacker.

Professor Tincher: Yes, of course. I also have some interesting news on the villains themselves.

Adam Hauck: Well spill it, Professor.

Professor Tincher: Every person has some percentage of evil inside of them. Whether it’s only 1% or more. What Kroger Devil does is crank that percentage up to or above 80%. What that means is there’s still some percentage of good in each villain. It’s just a matter of therapy and some other sort of treatment to get their evil percentage back down. Which means, a “cure” isn’t necessarily the thing but we can certainly get them back to who they were before, mentally. Now as for their special powers and appearance, they would still have them. I don’t know how to take those away from them just yet.

Adam Hauck: So in other words it’s not as black and white as we once believed. Their situation is more complicated.

Professor Tincher: Precisely.

CUT TO: Katie is up front standing at the register. She looks sad. Bernie walks past her and notices.

Bernie Boswell: Katie, are you okay?

Katie Collins: (somber) Yeah.

Bernie Boswell: You can lie to yourself but you can’t lie to Bernie. You got a problem? It’s not just you. We all have problems.

Katie Collins: Really?

Bernie Boswell: Yes. In fact right now, Jean is mad at me because she found my collection of “Greased Up Grannies.” It was a magazine that shows pictures of naked women no younger than eighty years old, all greased up and posing provocatively. Only two issues were made, and the second one was just to apologize for the first one. So come on now, what’s bothering you? Is it because you’re gaining weight? That’s as it should be. You’re pregnant after all.

Katie Collins: I’m not even showing yet. But no, gaining weight would not be my problem.

Bernie Boswell: Aha! So there *is* something bugging you!

Katie Collins: Besides knowing about your perverted granny magazine, I was just missing Mickey. This place isn’t the same without him. Also, Adam doesn’t chase after me like he used to. When he would, it annoyed me, but now that he’s not doing it anymore, I don’t know, I kinda miss it.

Bernie Boswell: So tell him.

Katie Collins: No way. Then he’d go back to annoying me. I’m not saying I want it again. It just feels weird without it.

Bernie Boswell: So don’t tell him.

Katie Collins: I won’t.

Bernie Boswell: Problem solved?

Katie Collins: If I say yes, will that get you to go away?

Bernie Boswell: Of course.

Katie Collins: Then yes. Problem solved.

Bernie walks away thinking he helped Katie with her sadness.

CUT TO: Cartastrophe is in a dark room. It’s the attic of Kroger. He has just summoned Kroger Devil, who appears before him.

Kroger Devil: I am not a genie. You can’t just call on me whenever you need a wish. This had better be good.

Cartastrophe: You helped me seek revenge on Mickey Tork. Thanks. Now I need you to protect me from The Masked Bagger.

Kroger Devil: No.

Cartastrophe: You helped me before. I only ask that you do it again.

Kroger Devil: I didn’t help you. I used you. I had my eye on turning Tork evil for a while. When you asked my assistance, I was thrilled to do it… and make YOU the target for Masked Bagger. Either you defeat the 717 Guardian or you go back to jail, for which I don’t care. So it’s all good for me.

Cartastrophe: But I don’t want to go back to the slammer!

Kroger Devil: Never summon me again.

The Kroger Devil vanishes.

Cartastrophe: I may be alone in this, but I won’t go down without a fight.

CUT TO: Bernie and Ben are in the radio station booth, which is located in a room next to the manager’s office.

Bernie Boswell: It’s Big Bad Bernie Boswell once again. This time I’m here with a new employee named Ben Davis. He’s worked here for over a month as the store’s cleaner. Ben, how are you doing?

Ben Davis: I’m good Bernie. Thanks for asking.

Bernie Boswell: So many questions spring to mind right now. I guess I’ll start with an easy one. How did you get your job at Kroger?

Ben Davis: Simple. I applied online and came in for an interview. The manager, Stan Tincher, hired me on the spot.

Bernie Boswell: Weren’t you scared to work here knowing that all sorts of crazy capers take place, thanks to the likes of super villains.

Ben Davis: No. My life was always kind of dull, so I could use some excitement. Besides, I need more experiences in my life if I’m going to be a successful screenwriter.

Bernie Boswell: True. Very true. Alright folks, more of this captivating interview in a moment. But first, a word from our sponsor. (clears throat) Are you gaining weight due to all the pop you drink? Would you like to have the carbonation pop offers without all the calories? Then try the refreshing taste of Sparkling Ice on sale in our water aisle here at Kroger. They only cost a dollar and they’re delicious. You’ll lose that pop weight in no time - as long as you stop drinking pop. Sparkling Ice... Drink it. Drink it now. That’s not their official motto, but I’m making it their official motto. I’m Bernie Boswell and I have the ability to do that. We now return to our interview with store cleaner Ben Davis. Because you’re listening to this with just the audio, you may not know that Mister Davis is actually a black man.

Ben Davis: Is that really worthy of note?

Bernie Boswell: It is for people who wondered when 717 was going to get some black employees. I’m looking at you Mister Jackson, a regular customer of our fine store.

Ben Davis: Well I guess the secret’s out. I’m not white.

Bernie Boswell: And what’s your response when someone calls you this offensive term - the store’s “token black”?

Ben Davis: Um, no one *has* called me that. I really don’t expect them to.

Bernie Boswell: Interesting. Listen I brought up race for a reason. I hope I don’t offend you.

Ben Davis: If your comment has the phrase “I hope I don’t offend you,” you probably will, but go ahead.

Bernie Boswell: Well my question doesn’t come from a mean place. It comes from being ignorant on the topic. You know how white people say that all black people look alike?

Ben Davis: (sighs) Yes.

Bernie Boswell: Does that go for other black people as well? I mean do all black people look alike to one another. Do you ever see a black guy and just pretend like you know him, just in case you actually do... or perhaps think that it might be you looking into a mirror or something? Or is there a code for when you approach another “brother” you have to recite in order to tell each other apart?

Ben Davis: I can’t speak for my race as a whole but… get away from me before I hit you.

Bernie Boswell: This is great radio folks!

Ben Davis: I’m outta here.

Ben gets up and leaves the booth.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger races outside. He looks out and sees Cartastrophe off at a distance. The 717 Guardian runs over to him.

Masked Bagger: Cartastrophe!

Cartastrophe: Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Well we know each other’s names. Now it’s time to make you pay for what you did to Mickey!

Cartastrophe: Good luck with that, and look to your left.

The 717 Guardian looks beside him to notice twenty-eight carts, in one big row a few feet away. Suddenly, with great forced, they ram into Masked Bagger, throwing him in the air. He lands hard on the pavement as Cartastrophe laughs.

Cartastrophe: And to think I was afraid of meeting you again. This is fun. Let’s do it again.

Masked Bagger stands up, only to have the same row slam into him again. As he’s in the air, he shoots out a cart strap, which wraps around a lamp post. Our hero swings around a few times before landing on his feet. Cartastrophe looks up in the sky and smiles. This makes our masked hero a little nervous. He looks up too and notices about twenty-seven random carts floating. The one directly above Masked Bagger drops. The 717 Guardian moves out of the way. Soon another falls and another. It’s raining carts! Cartastrophe watches with delight at the scared look on our hero’s face as he dodges each cart. Luckily, they’re far out and not too many cars are parked there.

Masked Bagger: I’m not backing down, Carts!

Cartastrophe: I wouldn’t expect you to.

Another cart is dropping. Masked Bagger shoots a cart strap at Cartastrophe and it connects to his head-bar. Our hero pulls the villain closer and SMASH! The cart lands on Cartastrophe. It hurts, but since the bad guy is made mostly of metal, it doesn’t kill him. Masked Bagger takes out his bag-gun and shoots Cartastrophe with it. The magnificent man in a mask delivers the bagged villain to the basement.

CUT TO: The basement. Professor Tincher and Masked Bagger are down there.

Professor Tincher: Good job, Bagger. Cartastrophe is back in his cell. All is right with the store.

Masked Bagger: If that were true, Professor, Mickey would be here and we’d continue our rivalry over Mindy.

Professor Tincher: I know.

Masked Bagger: Have you told Mickey’s family what happened to him yet? I really think you should.

Professor Tincher: I know I should. It’s just… this one cuts a little deeper than the others. Besides Mickey being a friend, he has a little brother who looks up to him. How’s Davy going to react?

Masked Bagger: I don’t know, but he needs to be able to react to the truth.

Professor Tincher: You're right. I’ll make the call. You’d better go on home for the day. I think I need to be alone for this.

The 717 Guardian exits. The Professor picks up the phone receiver, dials a number, and places the receiver to his ear. After a moment, Mickey’s mother answers. Tincher takes a deep breath.

Professor Tincher: Mrs. Tork? (pause) This is Mister Tincher from Kroger. (pause) Yes, that’s right. Your son’s former boss. There is something I have to tell you. I made up the story of Mickey joining the Witness Protection Program because I thought it’d be easier to hear but - and I know this is the phone call no parent wants - your son has been turned into an evil super villain known as the Mad Sacker.

CUT TO: The next day. Adam comes out of the bedroom. He heads over to his fridge and pulls out leftover pizza. He pops it into the microwave. Hailie walks in from the bathroom. She’s disgusted that Adam’s eating pizza again.

Hailie Hauck: I don’t believe you! Pizza, again!?! What be the matter wit you? Don’t you want variety in yo eating?

Adam Hauck: I’ll answer that as plainly as I can… no.

Hailie grabs an apple from the fridge.

Hailie Hauck: Here, eat this apple instead.

Adam Hauck: What’s an apple doing in my fridge?

Hailie Hauck: I bought it. Now eat it.

Adam Hauck: Uh, I seem to recall the very first Adam eating an apple his woman gave him. Look how that turned out. No thanks.

Hailie Hauck: But you need to trim down. You pudgy.

Adam Hauck: Believe it or not, some women find a little pudge on a man very attractive.

They pause for a moment.

Adam Hauck: Did that sound like “little pudge” meant something else? Because I wasn’t referring to my, uh, I mean to say that I was talking about my pudgy body. Take your mind and firmly remove it from the gutter.

Hailie Hauck: I just care ‘bout you and want you to be healthy.

Adam Hauck: You do?

Hailie Hauck: Of course. We friends.

Adam Hauck: That warmed my heart…

The microwave goes off.

Adam Hauck: …and the microwave warmed my pizza!

CUT TO: Adam parks at the Kroger lot and gets out of his car. As he heads to the door, he sees something roll by with his peripheral vision. He quickly turns his head but doesn’t spot what it could have been. He goes inside. Mindy Dalton is also clocking in for the day.

Adam Hauck: Good morning, Mindy.

Mindy Dalton: I often wonder if the person who originated “good morning” meant it sarcastically.

Adam Hauck: Not a morning person?

Mindy Dalton: Not at all. I’m never here this early. How do you handle it? What’s your secret?

Adam Hauck: I was never a morning person either until I got married. Now the morning means one thing - I get away from Hailie for the next eight hours.

Mindy Dalton: (sarcastically) You’re a prince.

Adam Hauck: Come on, you know it’s a fake marriage.

Mindy Dalton: Yes, and I also know she’s doing you a huge favor. You don’t need to keep making jokes at her expense. Hailie’s not my favorite person in the world but she doesn’t deserve to be constantly made fun of the way you do.

Adam Hauck: Is this your morning grumps talking?

Mindy Dalton: No.

Adam Hauck: Oh. Well fine. I won’t make fun of her as much.

Mindy Dalton: Good. Now do you still have a crush on me?

Adam Hauck: Of course!

Mindy Dalton: Then go get a cup of coffee and bring it to my register.

Adam Hauck: Yes Mistress Mindy!

Adam walks off as Mindy smiles. Once he gets to the coffee machine, which is located in the deli, right next to the manager’s office, Professor Tincher comes out and spots Adam.

Professor Tincher: Adam, I have some bad news.

Adam Hauck: What is it, Professor?

Professor Tincher: Cartastrophe has escaped again.

Adam Hauck: What!?! No!

Professor Tincher: I’m sorry but you’re gonna have to capture him again. I’ve fixed the problem in his cell that allowed him to escape this second time, so this time he shall remain in the cell.

Adam Hauck: It’s colder outside today than it was yesterday.

Professor Tincher: Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?

Adam Hauck: Kinda.

Professor Tincher: Well I don’t. Now get into your costume and bring Cartastrophe back.

Adam Hauck: But it’s 35 degrees. Can’t I just wait until tomorrow? I mean, this is Ohio. If we wait a day, it may be sunny and 75 again.

Professor Tincher: No.

Adam Hauck: This sucks. I just wanted to have a normal day.

Professor Tincher: You know, Adam, married life has changed you.

Adam Hauck: That’s because in the past when things were bad here, I could go home and be by myself and relax with some good food and television. Now I go home and… *she’s* there. My life is not like it used to be.

Professor Tincher: It’s Cartastrophe’s fault that you had to get married. Use that anger to apprehend him again.

CUT TO: Ben enters Bernie’s studio.

Ben Davis: What?

Bernie Boswell: Ben, I’m sorry if I offended you with my controversial humor yesterday. Please forgive me.

Ben Davis: You consider *that* to be controversial humor? That was lightweight material.

Bernie Boswell: But I made jokes about your race.

Ben Davis: Fine. Let’s get back on the air and I can get even.

Bernie Boswell: Of course. I need to get over this guilty feeling.

Bernie flips the ON AIR switch.

Bernie Boswell: This is Big Bad Bernie Boswell, here once more with that beloved new store cleaner, Ben Davis. Welcome back, Ben.

Ben Davis: Thanks, fat-ass.

Bernie Boswell: (uncomfortable) Um, you’re welcome.

Ben Davis: You’re what, 22-years-old?

Bernie Boswell: Yes.

Ben Davis: What’s the deal with the patch of gray hair on your head?

Bernie Boswell: My hair is turning prematurely gray.

Ben Davis: Is it true that your favorite movie of all-time is “Kindergarten Cop”?

Bernie Boswell: Of course. Nothing wrong with that.

Ben Davis: You are so arrogant that you made up a religion named after yourself.

Bernie Boswell: Hey, Boswellity is genuine!

Ben Davis: You went to your high school prom as your own date! You kept going to the bathroom to change from Bernie in a tux to wearing a dress as Bernice. Luckily you had a mannequin dressed up to look like your date for the times you had to be seen dancing.

Bernie Boswell: I told you that in confidence!

Ben Davis: You lust after old women. The older the better.

Bernie Boswell: They’re sexy. Why doesn’t everyone?

Ben Davis: You’re pathetic. So why in the world do I actually like chatting with you?

Bernie Boswell: What? You do?!?

Ben Davis: We’re not friends, but you’re okay, I guess.

Bernie Boswell: You heard it here, folks. I’m okay, Ben guesses!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger once again heads outside to capture Cartastrophe. The villain springs into action and speeds by our hero, while throwing out a cart strap of his own. It attaches to the 717 Guardian’s left ankle. This causes him to fall to the ground and - as Cartastrophe takes off - be dragged.

Masked Bagger: Stop! This hurts!

Cartastrophe: The point. Experiencing pain lets you feel alive. Until, of course, you are no longer alive.

Masked Bagger shoots out a cart strap from his right arm and it attaches itself to the bar on Cart’s head. Our magnificent hero pulls himself up and he lands on Cartastrophe’s back. With his left leg still connected to the strap, Masked Bagger is riding the villain like a horse.

Cartastrophe: You’re riding me? I didn’t think we had this kind of relationship, Bagger!

Masked Bagger: Stop at once!

Cartastrophe: I don’t think so!

Up ahead is a giant ramp put there earlier by the diabolical cart-man. With great speed, he wheels up the ramp and jumps off high into the sky. Masked Bagger falls back and is now hanging upside down by his ankle.

Cartastrophe: I’m taking you down, Bagger! I can survive the landing. You, however, cannot.

This is true. Since Cartastrophe is made of metal, instead of flesh and blood, he can survive almost anything. Luckily for our hero, he spots one of the giant birds flying by. A plan materializes in his head. He quickly bends upward towards his ankle, takes out his box cutter and precedes to cut at the strap. It’s not easy, but he does it and just in the nick of time as he drops only a few feet before landing on the evil bird. The bird may be evil but he just unwittingly saved our hero’s life! Give that flying creature a medal! Anyways, it flies back towards Kroger and once over the store, Masked Bagger jumps down and lands on the roof. He looks ahead and watches as the villainous Cartastrophe hits the ground… and rolls away. He may have survived, but Masked Bagger failed to capture his enemy.

CUT TO: The basement lab. Both Bagger and Tincher are there.

Masked Bagger: I don’t know what to do.

Professor Tincher: I have an idea. It’s kind of far-fetched but we may be out of options.

Masked Bagger: Well what is it?

Professor Tincher: I’ve recently built a plane for you to fly around outside. I call it The Plane For You To Fly Around Outside.

Masked Bagger: What? That’s awesome, Professor! I mean the name could use some work.

Professor Tincher: Yes, I know. I was going to call it the Bagger-Plane but was afraid we were starting to become too much like Batman, how all of his gizmos and gadgets started with the word “Bat.”

Masked Bagger: I understand.

Professor Tincher: Since Cartastrophe is mostly metal, you can fly over him and then press a button which will open up a panel underneath the plane, and a giant magnet will appear. I trust you know what happens next.

Masked Bagger: Of course. I bag me a cart!

CUT TO: The Professor is walking towards the restroom. Katie walks past and stops.

Katie Collins: Mr. Tincher, Imma looking for Adam. Have you seen him lately?

Professor Tincher: Uh, no. I haven’t seen him. Why?

Katie Collins: That’s nunya business.

Professor Tincher: Speaking of business, I’m about to go into the men’s room, if you don’t mind.

Katie Collins: It’s just, he used to hang around me a lot and now he doesn’t.

Professor Tincher: Yeah. Now he follows Mindy around. But if you’re jealous, don’t worry. She doesn’t want him either.

Katie Collins: I’m NOT jealous. We’re still friends though. And with Mickey gone and Hailie barely getting any hours and Bernie insane, things are just so different. It depresses me.

Professor Tincher: (uncomfortable) I understand and if my stomach wasn’t doing cartwheels right now, I’d be more compassionate.

He goes into the restroom.

Katie Collins: (sighs) Where’s Adam? Probably off somewhere doing something stupid.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is on the roof of Kroger. He gets inside his brand new airplane. Our hero takes a deep breath and then turns it on.

Masked Bagger: Okay this is totally normal. I’m not Adam Hauck - mild mannered bagger and DVD collector. I’m Masked Bagger - apparently just an idiot with a mask. And for some reason, I can’t get the lyrics to American Pie out of my head.

Masked Bagger sings…

Masked Bagger: ♪This’ll be the day that I die. Yes this’ll be the day that I die. So bye-bye Miss American Pie. Drove my Chevy to the levy but the levy was dry. ♪

(Don McLean's version of 'American Pie') https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAsV5-Hv-7U

He starts the engine and takes off. It’s a little shaky but working properly. Our hero looks down. He flies around for a few minutes before spotting Cartastrophe at the other end of the parking lot.

Masked Bagger: Time to round up the carts.

He presses a button and a giant magnet comes out of the bottom of the plane. Suddenly, Cartastrophe is lifted into the air and lands on the magnet. The 717 Guardian presses another button which wraps a big plastic bag around the villain. He’s been captured! Masked Bagger flies back to the store safely.

CUT TO: After a hard day of crime-fighting, Adam walks into his house. He sees Hailie sitting on the couch watching - and laughing at - the TV. He looks at the screen and the ‘90s sitcom “NewsRadio” is on. Adam is shocked.

Adam Hauck: What’s this?

Hailie Hauck: You oughta know. It be your favorite comedy show.

Adam Hauck: I know what it is. I’m just surprised to see you watching it. Why *are* you watching it?

Hailie Hauck: I dunno. I be bored, so I pop in the disc. It be a really funny show. I see why it’s yo favorite.

Adam is so delighted she likes his favorite show and he now sees her in a new light. Suddenly, she’s not as repulsive as she had been, and her ghetto talk was kind of charming, and her face, that beautiful face. She could be a face model.

Adam Hauck: Why, uh, don’t we go into the bedroom? I think it’s time to test out the durability of the mattress. If you know what I mean.

Hailie Hauck: Sorry. I think it’s best for our friendship that we don’t do that kinda nasty stuff.

Adam Hauck: What?!? But that’s all you’ve talked about since our wedding day!

Hailie Hauck: I know but we seem to be real friends now. Plus the excitement of gettin’ married has done wore off. So has my desire for you. Sorry, Pasty Cakes.

Adam Hauck: (upset) But…

Hailie Hauck: Shhh. I’m watching yo show.

Adam Hauck: (to himself) I can’t win. I just can’t win. I love Katie with all my heart but she loves Austin and then blocks me from Facebook. I fall for Mindy, who dates an alternate version of me. It can’t be the actual me - oh no. So then after a month of avoiding Hailie’s advances, I realize I want her. Then all of a sudden we’re friends and she has grown a set of morals. Nope, I just can’t win.

CUT TO: The next day. Adam walks downstairs to the basement lab and finds it trashed, and sees an unconscious Professor Tincher on the floor. He rushes to his mentor’s side.

Adam Hauck: Professor! Professor, wake up!

He opens his eyes.

Professor Tincher: I don’t know how it happened but it happened.

Adam Hauck: What happened?

Professor Tincher: Check the cells.

Adam runs down the hallway of prison cells. He sees four doors wide open. The cells for Pineapple-Man, Powder, Big K and Salt-man are empty. Somehow, they’ve escaped!

Adam Hauck: This is bad, Professor. This is very bad.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

ISSUE #17. The Freaky Four

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Ben Davis
Bernie Boswell
Mindy Dalton alias Retail-Red

Guest Starring:
Pineapple-Man [pictured below]
The Powder
Salt-Man [pictured below]
Big K

ISSUE #17. The Freaky Four

Originally Released on December 16th, 2014

It’s About To Get Freaky All Up In Here…

It’s a cold December morning. Adam is quite happy seeing as it’s his birthday. He goes into the manager’s office and finds a surprise. Professor Tincher, Katie, Ben, Mindy and Bernie are all there.

Adam Hauck: What’s going on here?

Katie Collins: It’s your birthday, Puddin’.

Adam Hauck: You guys remembered?

Bernie Boswell: After Mister Tincher told all of us this morning, of course we remembered.

Ben Davis: We all got together to get you a present.

Adam Hauck: Cool. What is it?

Ben Davis: No, we all got together with the *intention* of getting you a present, but we couldn’t decide on anything. So instead we’re throwing you this birthday huddle.

Mindy Dalton: I hope you like it, Adam.

Adam Hauck: (insincere) Of course I do.

Professor Tincher: Well this has been fun but everyone needs to get back to work. This is, after all, December and the store’s very busy.

Bernie Boswell: What about the cake?

Professor Tincher: You can each come back here on your break and get some. Now I’m sorry but party over.

Katie, Ben, Mindy and a sad Bernie all leave the office.

Professor Tincher: Sorry, Adam. This was supposed to be a longer party but there’s no time for it. You know about the escaped villains, well they were spotted earlier. A pineapple was hurled at the bell ringer outside.

Adam Hauck: Is that a crime? I mean the reason for the bell ringers collecting money is a good one, but dang that constant ringing gets on my nerves.

Professor Tincher: You’re missing the point. The point is we finally have a lead on finding them. Suit up and search the store for this Freaky Four.

Adam Hauck: Will do… after a piece of that cake.

CUT TO: The Freaky Four’s lair, which is located in Powder’s former hideout, up the stairs by the exit to the roof. Standing around are Pineapple-Man, The Powder, Salt-Man and Big K.

Pineapple-Man: We will do many things as The Freaky Four but first thing’s first. We must combine our forces in order to kill Masked Bagger. Once he’s out of the picture, we’ll take care of Tincher and then… the store!

Salt-Man: (to Powder) Looks like me and you are teaming up again!

The Powder: We didn’t team up the first time. That was a coincidence.

Salt-Man: I don’t believe in coincidence. It was meant to be.

The Powder: Shut up or I’ll powder you right now!

Big K: (laughs) Is that a euphemism for something, Powder?

The Powder: You shut up, too! I don’t know why I agreed to this.

Pineapple-Man: Because only members of our little foursome would be able to escape Tincher’s prison.

The Powder: Oh yeah. That’s why.

Big K: Okay, Piney. So what’s our plan on how to kill the Masked Moron?

Pineapple-Man: The key is Powder. We have to hold Bagger down while Powder gets his poison Spill Magic on the hero.

The Powder: Um, I don’t know if you’ve heard but my powder doesn’t kill. It simply turns someone into an evil zombie. Of course that process can take years. Before then, they vanish for a year or more and then reappear as a zombie.

Pineapple-Man: Even better. We get rid of him for a while and when he returns he’ll be what he hates - a mindless, evil being.

Salt-Man: Then I’ll run through him, and all his powder particles will separate, and we catch all of those little tiny grains of powder and put each one in their own teeny, tiny jar. So he can never reassemble himself again. Brilliant, if I do say so myself.

The other three villains look at Salt-Man with a blank expression.

The Powder: That is WAY too complicated, Salts. We would need billions of little jars, and where the heck would we store them? You’re the muscles of the group. Don’t try using your brain. You’re not good at it.

Big K: Besides, I don’t want Masked Bagger gone for a while. I want him dead! We need a plan to end his existence now.

CUT TO: Bernie is walking through the store. He’s suddenly approached by an old high school friend, Paul.

Paul: Bernie? Is that you?

Bernie Boswell: Who wants to know? Wait, Paul?

Paul: Yep.

Bernie Boswell: Oh man, how long has it been?

Paul: About four years. Wow, you’ve really let yourself go.

Bernie Boswell: Yeah, and it was a lot of fun, too.

Paul: I’ll bet. I work out all the time. Gotta stay fit for the ladies. Still a bachelor, you know.

Bernie Boswell: Really? I’m not. I’m in a committed relationship right now. Her name is Jean Patterson. She makes me so happy.

Paul: Well hey, that’s great. So you work here, I take it?

Bernie Boswell: Yep. In my second year. What about you?

Paul: I’m in med school. I’m gonna be a doctor and save lives. It was always my dream to help others. Well listen, I gotta go. I have a hectic schedule. But it was nice seeing you again.

Bernie Boswell: Yeah, maybe we could become Facebook friends.

Paul: Well now you’re getting kind of clingy, but send me a friend request and I’ll see about accepting it.

Bernie Boswell: Hey, thanks.

Paul walks away. Bernie begins to feel sad. He realizes that he’s always wanted to help people, too. He doesn’t have what it takes to be a doctor. A superhero maybe? There were no radioactive rays anywhere around to transform him. Besides, Kroger already has a superhero - The Masked Bagger. Bernie gets an idea and snaps his fingers.

Bernie Boswell: Masked Bagger could have a sidekick!

He runs off to start creating his new persona.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is searching the store for the four evil foes. Suddenly, while in the back dock, Big K marches straight up to our hero.

Masked Bagger: Big K! What’s this?

Big K: (in his best The Count impression) One super villain, ah-ah-ah.

The Powder arrives.

The Powder: Two super villains, ah-ah-ah.

Salt-Man arrives.

Salt-Man: Three super villains, ah-ah-ah.

Pineapple-Man joins them.

Pineapple-Man: Four super villains, ah-ah-ah.

Masked Bagger: I don’t know what’s worse - having to fight all four of you at once, or having to hear your terrible impressions of a “Sesame Street” character. Besides, I already knew the four of you escaped. I saw your open cell doors.

Pineapple-Man: I knew we should have closed those doors but Salt-Man here thought it would be more dramatic to leave them open.

Salt-Man: And I stand by that thought.

Masked Bagger: So let’s see. I have a fruit villain, a Spill Magic villain, a bag of salt villain and a pop villain.

Big K: I prefer “soda villain.”

Masked Bagger: It’s called pop.

Big K: Not this again! It’s soda.

Masked Bagger: No, pop.

Big K: No, soda.

Masked Bagger: Pop!

Big K: Soda!

Masked Bagger: Pop!

Big K: Soda!

Masked Bagger: Pop!

Big K: Soda!

Masked Bagger: Soda!

Big K: Pop!

Masked Bagger: Okay. You’re right. It’s pop.

Our hero then punches Big K in the face. He goes down.

Masked Bagger: Thanks, Bugs Bunny!

Just as Masked Bagger is about to use his bag-gun on the pop villain, a pineapple flies over and knocks it out of his hand.

Pineapple-Man: Not so fast, Bagger. You are about to meet your demise.

Masked Bagger: No, thanks. We already met.

Salt-Man rams into our hero, knocking him down.

CUT TO: Bernie is in the dog food aisle.

Bernie Boswell: My training begins.

He lays on the floor and lifts a fifty pound bag of dog food, and begins to bench press it. This, while customers are walking around him doing their shopping.

Bernie Boswell: Excuse me, miss. Could you add another 50lb bag of dog food? I’m working out.

She obliges and then walks away. After lifting it three times, he’s exhausted.

Bernie Boswell: That’s good for now. I don’t need to over do it.

Ben walks by.

Ben Davis: Did you get your job here as part of some program to hire lunatics?

Bernie Boswell: What? No.

Ben Davis: What are you doing?

Bernie can’t say or it will give away his upcoming secret identity.

Bernie Boswell: Wouldn’t *you* like to know?

Ben Davis: Eh, no. I think it’s best if I don’t know any more about you and the strange things you do.

Bernie Boswell: You’re probably right.

CUT TO: Mindy enters Tincher’s office. He’s sitting at his desk.

Mindy Dalton: You wanted to see me?

Professor Tincher: Yes. I sent Masked Bagger to find the Freaky Four and that was a couple of hours ago. He hasn’t returned.

Mindy Dalton: You want Retail-Red to continue the search?

Professor Tincher: And rescue Bagger, if need be.

Mindy Dalton: On it. It’ll feel good to put on my costume again. It’s been a couple of months since I’ve been needed.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is tied up by duct tape at the top of the stairs to the villain’s hideout. There is a huge clear container filled with orange soda, some chopped up pineapples, a few salt pellets and some absorbent powder. The Freaky Four are standing by.

Pineapple-Man: Listen up, Bagger. Here’s what’s going down. We’re going to dump you inside this large container of soda, pineapples, salt and powder - we all get represented in your death - and snap the lid shut. You’ll be trapped and pretty soon, you’ll drown.

Masked Bagger: I can hold my breath for thirty-five minutes. By that time someone is bound to find and rescue me.

Big K: You can’t hold your breath that long!

Masked Bagger: You called my bluff, but you guys shouldn’t do this! It’s not nice to kill people. Powder, think of how upset your dad will be when he finds out. Someone’s in for a spanking!

The Powder: Dump him, Salts!

Salt-Man picks up our handsome hero and throws him in the container of pop. He puts the lid on and snaps it shut. Masked Bagger watches as the four villains look at him and laugh. This is it. This is the end. Trapped, Adam’s life flashes before his eyes. The funny thing is, most of his memories are from his time at 717 as its guardian, and of his friends: Professor Tincher, Katie Collins, Bernie Boswell, Mindy Dalton, Ben Davis, Hailie Morgan and even the former Mickey Tork. Being The Masked Bagger has been the most meaningful thing in his life and it was all about to end in this tragedy. Adam thought things were bad when he was up in the bird’s nest back in February of 2013, but this is so much worse. He can’t move his arms because of the duct tape. He can’t do anything but close his eyes and continue thinking about the wonderful life he’s had. Suddenly, Retail-Red walks down the back hallway, looks up and sees this. She gets her scan-gun and aims it at the container. The laser beam hits it and it breaks. The pop pours out and Masked Bagger rides the wave down the stairs. The Freaky Four are furious and a little frightened.

The Powder: Oh, it’s HER again!

Pineapple-Man: Who is she?

The Powder: The Masked Bagger’s girlfriend, I think. The name’s Retail-Red. I know some guys enjoy getting slapped around by a woman, but I doubt any of us are into that, so let’s split!

Salt-Man: I can take her!

The big bulky Salt-Man walks down the stairs. By this point, Retail-Red has cut Masked Bagger free, but he’s mentally out of it at the moment, so she’s going to have to face the villain alone, but she’s not scared. She aims her scan-gun at the bully. He’s not phased. She shoots a laser beam at him. It hits him in the chest but it has no affect.

Salt-Man: I had my chest coated with a special protective lotion. Seems to do the trick. Go ahead. Hit me again.

Retail-Red: You got it.

Retail-Red blasts Salt-Man with another laser beam. This time, she hits him in his face, causing him to cover it with his hands. Red takes this opportunity to grab Bagger’s bag-gun and she aims it at Salt-Man, but he senses it and grabs her hands, slowly turning it on her. It goes off and Retail-Red is bagged. Salt-Man laughs and throws down the bag-gun.

Salt-Man: You got me in the face but I got you in your body! I win.

He then picks up the bag and hurls it down the hallway. Afraid of what kind of harm she’ll endure when she lands on the concrete floor, Masked Bagger gets up, grabs the bag-gun and runs over to her. He changes the setting and shoots a bag out at her. It wraps around the bag she’s already in. This setting makes the bag float down as if it were light as a feather. Our hero catches her and begins to cut her out of the bags. She’s all hot and sweaty from being double bagged.

Masked Bagger: Did you wanna come out of there or would you like some company? I could probably squeeze in.

Retail-Red: I want out!

Masked Bagger: Darn. Okay. Let’s get back to the basement. Maybe the Professor has some ideas for us.

CUT TO: On his lunch break, Bernie has rushed home and is putting together a costume. He’s wearing black tights with his underwear on the outside, a blue skin-tight shirt, a red cape, a Kroger cap and finally a mask, which is designed to look like a nametag, with the word “KID” on it.

Bernie Boswell: This is my destiny! I am The Kroger Kid!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger and Retail-Red go into the basement lab where Professor Tincher is sitting at the computer.

Professor Tincher: Adam, are you okay?

Our hero goes right over to Tincher and puts his arms around him. This freaks the Professor out a bit.

Professor Tincher: So you’re *not* okay?

Masked Bagger: I’m fine now but during the encounter with the Freaky Four, my life flashed before my eyes. I just have to tell you that you’re my best friend. Thanks for all you do.

Professor Tincher: You’re welcome. It’s nice to be appreciated. You’re my best friend, too.

Retail-Red: Can we cut this love fest and devise a plan to defeat these guys? Bagger, you seem to struggle fighting just one baddie. Now you’re facing four.

Masked Bagger: I’m aware of the situation and maybe I’m not as seasoned a superhero as I’d like to be quite yet, but we got this in the bag. Pun… intended!

CUT TO: Katie and Ben are in the break room.

Ben Davis: So, Katie. You and I don’t seem to talk that much, I think we should. We are the top two baggers, after all.

Katie Collins: What about Adam?

Ben Davis: He’s always wandering off. It’s a wonder he keeps his job.

Katie Collins: Yeah. He’s always been like that. I think he’s tight with Mr. Tincher, though. So he never seems to get in trouble.

Ben Davis: Yeah, that’s curious. It’s a strange work environment with all these super villains on the loose, huh?

Katie Collins: Yeah, but it’s been going on for two years now. So I’m used to it.

Ben Davis: This store and all the experiences here will make a great movie. I’m actually going to write one. Of course, I’ll have to create fictional characters since I don’t know who Masked Bagger really is.

Katie Collins: I know who he really is.

Ben Davis: What? Who is he?

Katie Collins: Well he doesn’t know I know but it’s Jeremy Jordan.

Ben Davis: I don’t think I know him.

Katie Collins: That’s because he’s never around anymore because he’s always in his Masked Bagger costume.

Little does Katie know Jeremy quit working at Kroger five months prior.

CUT TO: Bernie is back in the store and he’s wearing his Kroger outfit over his sidekick clothes. He’s feeling pretty good about himself as he decides to do some patrolling around the aisles. He hears a woman scream. He looks over and sees a thug stealing her purse. Bernie ducks into the men’s room, removes his regular clothes, puts on his mask and runs over to the scene of the crime, dressed as Kroger Kid. However, by the time he arrives, the mugging is over.

Bernie “Kroger Kid” Boswell: Darn it. I need to figure out a way to change clothes quicker. Oh well. Typical rookie mistake. I’m sure this woman will understand.

He walks over to the lady.

Bernie “Kroger Kid” Boswell: Are you alright, ma’am?

Woman: No, I’m not alright. Someone just came and stole my purse. No one tried to help me. I am very upset right now.

Bernie “Kroger Kid” Boswell: I’m sorry. I saw the mugging take place as my secret identity and ran to change clothes, but apparently I took too long. I’m sure you understand.

Woman: No I don’t understand. Why did you have to wear a silly costume at all? As an employee or even a decent human being, you should have come to my rescue and not be worried about doing it as a superhero. Shame on you!

Bernie “Kroger Kid” Boswell: You’re right. I’m so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?

Woman: No.

She walks away. Bernie feels very small.

Bernie “Kroger Kid” Boswell: This is a learning experience. That’s all.

CUT TO: The basement lab. Masked Bagger and Retail-Red are training together.

Masked Bagger: You are so skilled, Red. You’re amazing.

Retail-Red: Thanks, Bagger. You’re… well, you get lucky a lot.

Masked Bagger: That’s part of *my* skill.

Retail-Red: Just so you know what I mean by “lucky.” I’m referring to the fact that you’re not the greatest fighter but you somehow manage to survive and win the fights.

Masked Bagger: I knew what you meant. You didn’t need to clarify.

Retail-Red: I’m going to teach you a skill. It’s called the Tornado Kick.

Masked Bagger: I’ve already seen that on “Power Rangers.”

Retail-Red: So you can do it?

Masked Bagger: No, but I know what it is.

Retail-Red: Not good enough. You need to know how to do it.

She performs the Tornado Kick and lands wrong. She falls to the floor in pain. Bagger rushes to her side.

Masked Bagger: What’s wrong, Red?

Retail-Red: I sprained my ankle.

Masked Bagger: Let me get some ice.

Retail-Red: This means I won’t be able to help you battle the Freaky Four.

Masked Bagger: What?

Retail-Red: You’re gonna have to go it alone.

Masked Bagger: Story of my life.

CUT TO: The Kroger Kid is looking for action. He spots Big K and approaches him. Before the pop villain sees the newest hero, Pineapple-Man, Salt-Man and Powder come into view. Bernie looks them over and realizes one thing - he’s in WAY over his head. Maybe being a superhero was a bad idea. He runs off, quickly changing back into his Bernie clothes and vows never to be The Kroger Kid again.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger walks to one of the frozen food aisles. All four villains are standing there, waiting for him.

Pineapple-Man: You made it, Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Of course. It’s my job to rid this store of garbage! Ugh, I just had a flashback to fighting Trash Beast in the dumpster. That was a gross point in my life.

The Powder: You’ve fought a lot of bad guys in your brief time at the store. Besides us there’s Meat-Man, Cartastrophe and Phil the Pharmacist, to name a few. But this is the end of your story.

Salt-Man: Your last stand.

The Powder: Salts, don’t interrupt me, buddy.

Salt-Man: Sorry.

The Powder: (to Masked Bagger) This is your Battle of the Little Bighorn. This is your Alamo. This is your end of that movie where the hero dies in the final battle.

Masked Bagger: Ooh, spoilers!

The Powder: You don’t even know what movie I’m referring to! I can’t remember the title right now.

Masked Bagger: Still, you were giving me spoilers to a movie I *may* end up seeing one of these days.

The Powder: It won’t matter. You won’t be leaving this aisle alive.

Pineapple-Man: This is a glorious day.

Big K: Enough chit-chat. It’s time to kill him!

Pineapple-Man: I’ll do the honors.

The Powder: Oh Bagger will be killed alright, Piney, but by ME!

Salt-Man: Hold up a second. I plan to be the one to kill this masked do-gooder!

Big K: No. I’m gonna kill Masked Bagger. He foolishly calls soda “pop.”

Pineapple-Man: Shut it, Pop-Boy. I’m going to kill the Bagger.

The Powder: I am!

Salt-Man: No, *I* am!

Masked Bagger: Stop fighting, everybody! You can ALL kill me! Wait, what am I saying? Let’s all talk this thing through.

Salt-Man: The time for talkin’ is over.

Big K sprays red pop in Masked Bagger’s face. It’s quickly followed by a pineapple. It hurts but our hero doesn’t show it. He shoots out his cart strap and twirls it in the air a few times before smacking Salt-Man in the face with it. The Morton villain laughs for a moment and then rams our hero, who flies in the air before slamming into a freezer door, breaking it. Powder steps in front of him and extends his arms.

The Powder: This may not work because you probably have that sunscreen on but I’ll hate myself if I don’t try it.

Powder shoots the poisonous Spill Magic all over our precious hero. It has no affect as Masked Bagger really *is* wearing the protective sunscreen. Little does Powder know that if he consumes lots of sour kraut, it’ll turn his Spill Magic deadly, which would eat right through the sunscreen and kill the 717 Guardian. But we’re not telling him!

Masked Bagger: Nice try, Powder. Feeling a little blue that you didn’t phase me?

The Powder: No. There’s three other guys here. One of us will certainly end your life.

Masked Bagger: (teasing) But alas, it shan’t be you.

The Powder: Shut up!

Masked Bagger: Make me.

Our hero stands up. Powder takes a swing. Masked Bagger ducks and then punches the blue villain in the face. The other three baddies come over. Bagger shoots out a cart strap and the metal part hits Pineapple-Man in the eye. The 717 Guardian then grabs his arm and swings him, before letting go and watches as the produce pariah smacks head first into a frozen food door. On a roll, our hero grabs a plastic bag from his pocket and places it over Big K’s face. Since the villain can’t see anything, Masked Bagger punches him in the stomach. Salt-Man once again goes to ram the Guardian. However, he misses, slips on a wet spot on the floor, and lands on his butt. The four villains are pissed. They line up and start walking towards Masked Bagger, who gets out a walkie-talkie.

Masked Bagger: (into the walkie-talkie) Now, Professor!

Suddenly the lights go out in the whole store. This doesn’t stop the fight from going on. Loud thuds are heard as punching and kicking happens. When the lights go back on, all four villains are laying on the floor, knocked out. Masked Bagger is standing on top of the freezer. As soon as the blackout occurred, he had made his way up there, leaving the Freaky Four to fight each other, all under the impression they were in a battle with the 717 Guardian. Masked Bagger gets out his bag-gun and shoots each of them. Tincher transfers them to the basement.

CUT TO: The basement lab. Professor Tincher, Masked Bagger and Retail-Red are down there.

Professor Tincher: Everyone has been returned to their cells. Well done, Masked Bagger!

Masked Bagger: Thanks, Professor. Pretty smart of me to have you shut off the power in the store, if I do say so myself.

Retail-Red: You’re improving, Bags. Pretty soon, I won’t be needed.

Masked Bagger: Nonsense. You’ll always be needed to wear that tight-fitting costume. It’s what keeps me going.

Professor Tincher: Listen, I don’t want any sexual harassment charges filed from one store superhero to another. Are you mad, Red?

Retail-Red: Of course not. It’s all part of his charm. It’s charming because he’s so harmless. All you can do is laugh at him.

Masked Bagger: Harmless? Professor did you hear that?

Professor Tincher: I did. What are you going to do about it?

Masked Bagger: I’ll tell you. I filled out a form, nominating Mindy for Employee of the Month, but now I’m going to tear that piece of paper up and throw it in the garbage. I know this stings, Red, but you had that coming, and no “harmless” guy would take such actions!

He walks away. Tincher and Red look at one another and smile.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

ISSUE #18. Christmas at 717

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Ben Davis
Bernie Boswell
Mindy Dalton

Guest Starring:
The Nutkroger [pictured below]
Thomas Bowshier [pictured below]
Christmas Genie [pictured below]
Hailie Hauck

ISSUE #18. Christmas at 717

Originally Released on December 19th, 2014

And Now The Issue…

It’s Christmas Eve at 717, and Adam walks into Professor Tincher’s office to discuss gift-giving. When he enters, Adam notices how depressed Tincher looks.

Adam Hauck: Hey Professor. You look sad. What’s wrong?

Professor Tincher: Christmas always makes me a little sad. I’m reminded of the family I no longer have - Brooke and Bailey.

Adam Hauck: You can still spend the holidays with Bailey.

Professor Tincher: Adam, the Bailey I knew is gone. Now he’s The Powder, one of your top super villains. I mean, it’s comforting to have him in our prison, but it’s certainly not the same.

Adam Hauck: If you want, you can come over to my house. I’m going to have a marathon of a bunch of Christmas episodes from old black and white TV shows. I’m calling it “I’m Dreaming of a Black and White Christmas.”

Professor Tincher: Thanks, but no thanks. I’ll probably just stay here and mope… like I do every year.

Adam Hauck: I wish you wouldn’t.

Professor Tincher: Sorry. I can’t control it. It’s predestined. The moment Brooke died, it set in motion that I will never have a happy holiday again.

Adam Hauck: Um, this may seem silly now, but I came in here to ask you what kind of a gift you wanted.

Professor Tincher: Don’t spend your money on me. You have car payments to make and if I know you, you’re going to be buying gifts for your so-called “Adam’s Angels.”

Adam Hauck: Yep, Katie, Mindy and Hailie. I’ve been shopping all week for them. It’s fun. I can’t wait to see their smiling faces when they open their presents. I might even receive a hug from each of them. I love the holidays.

Professor Tincher: That’s nice.

Adam Hauck: And although it’s not why I do it, each of them has promised to get me a gift in return. I also love getting presents. Regardless of what it is, it’s just knowing that they think enough of me to go out of their way to get me something. Makes me feel special. This is going to be the best Christmas ever.

Professor Tincher: You realize by uttering those words, you’re now in for quite a crappy holiday.

Adam Hauck: We shall see how this day goes.

CUT TO: Up front. Ben is bagging. Bernie enters the store and goes over to Ben.

Bernie Boswell: I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Ben Davis: (smiles) That sucks.

Bernie Boswell: Yeah. Dad saw it, too. He’s pissed.

Ben Davis: Wait, for real?

Bernie Boswell: Oh yeah. We were at the mall for my niece and apparently Santa was my mom’s high school sweetheart.

Ben Davis: Whoa. Next you’re gonna tell me your grandma got run over by a reindeer.

Bernie Boswell: (upset) Would that amuse you - my grandma in a hospital bed with hoof prints all up and down her fragile body, fighting for her life?

Tincher enters.

Professor Tincher: Bernie, I’m here to tell you that you’ll be the Kroger Santa Claus. Congrats.

He walks off.

Bernie Boswell: Yes! Just what I was hoping for. This is a Christmas miracle. Gosh, I hope my mom doesn’t come to the store and try to kiss *me* full on the mouth.

Ben Davis: I think I speak for everyone when I say, I hope not, too.

CUT TO: Thomas Bowshier, the non-foods department head is straightening up the promo aisle. He has a huge selection of nutcrackers. Unfortunately, one is broken, so he takes it to the back. While in the back room, he places it in the damaged section, but then gives it one final look. The nutcracker’s eyes suddenly become visually stunning. Thomas looks into them. A strange occurrence happens. Thomas’ entire body - including his clothes - hardens. He is now entirely a wooden nutcracker, and he’s evil. He is now The Nutkroger!

The NutKroger: Yes. I like this.

A bagger (not THE Bagger) walks into the back room and sees a human sized nutcracker. This peaks his curiosity.

Employee: Whoa, what’s this?

The Nutkroger: Call me The Nutkroger!

The wooden villain grabs the co-worker’s hand and puts it in his mouth, then bites down, breaking the hand. The person screams (obviously) before being let go.

The Nutkroger: I’m sorry but you won’t be bagging *this* holiday season.

As the employee is writhing in pain on the floor, The Nutkroger marches on to find his next victim.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is making his holiday rounds, walking around the store and shaking customer’s hands. He goes into the promo aisle and picks up what looks to be a genie’s lamp off the shelf.

Masked Bagger: This would be a great additional gift for Katie.

He rubs the lamp and smoke shoots out. Soon thereafter, a red and green genie appears. He looks at Masked Bagger.

Christmas Genie: Hello, Master. This Christmas you get one wish. What will it be?

Masked Bagger: Is this a joke?

Christmas Genie: It is not a joke. What is your wish?

Masked Bagger: I don’t know. I have to think about this for a while.

Christmas Genie: I should let you know there are some stipulations. You cannot wish for more wishes. You cannot wish for someone to return from the dead, and you cannot wish for somebody to fall in love with you.

Masked Bagger: So just like in “Aladdin”?

Christmas Genie: I guess. I never saw that movie.

Masked Bagger: You never saw “Aladdin”? Where have you been?

Christmas Genie: Either inside my lamp, or granting wishes for people. Which reminds me. Make a wish.

Masked Bagger: Let’s see, I guess the best wish would be for like over a billion dollars or something, right? Then I could buy stuff with that money. Of course, I’ve always wanted x-ray vision, and all the money in the world couldn’t buy that. I’d also like for all of the TV episodes from the 1940s and ‘50s that have been lost, to be found and released on DVD. But money can only fund a search. It can’t bring back what’s destroyed. I’m gonna have to think about this.

Christmas Genie: I am the Christmas Genie. So you have until the end of today’s shift to figure something out. I’ll be around.

He vanishes.

Masked Bagger: I’ve gotta tell the Professor about this!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger enters the basement lab. He sees Tincher sitting down with a kind of smile on his face.

Masked Bagger: What are you thinking about, Professor?

Professor Tincher: I was just remembering the best Christmas I ever had. The year was 1996. Brooke and I were spending our first holiday season together as a married couple. Bailey was six-years-old and my older sister, Meghan, spent the week with us.

Masked Bagger: I didn’t know you have a sister.

Professor Tincher: She died several years ago from cancer.

Masked Bagger: Oh. I’m sorry.

Professor Tincher: Anyways, Brooke and I got Bailey his very first bike that day. Of course the ground was covered in snow, so it would be a few months before he could ride it, but seeing the look on his face when he opened his present was just the greatest thing ever. That was also the first time he called me “Dad.” Those are moments that stay with you for the long haul.

Masked Bagger: I’ll bet.

Professor Tincher: We were a happy family then. Why did things have to go so tragically wrong for us?

Masked Bagger: I don’t know.

Suddenly, there’s a page on the intercom.

Intercom Voice: Masked Bagger to the promo aisle! Masked Bagger to the promo aisle!

Masked Bagger: Are you gonna be okay?

Professor Tincher: Yes. Don’t worry about me.

Masked Bagger: Then I have to go to work. I’ll see you in a little bit.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger makes his way to the promo aisle. He finds The Nutkroger standing there.

Masked Bagger: And who are you?

The Nutkroger: The Nutkroger.

Masked Bagger: I know this is a silly question, but I don’t suppose you’re one of the good guys, are you?

The Nutkroger: I WOOD not be.

The wooden villain punches our precious hero in the face. He goes down. Masked Bagger takes out his bag-gun and aims it at Nutkroger, who quickly kicks it out of his hand, breaking it.

The Nutkroger: I’m afraid you will have to be punished for your naughty act against me.

Masked Bagger: You’re not gonna tell Santa Claus on me, are you?

The Nutkroger: Don’t be ridiculous. I’m going to break your hand.

Masked Bagger: What?

The Nutkroger lifts our hero up with one hand, grabs Bagger’s right hand, and places it in his mouth, gripping it tight enough so the 717 Guardian can’t remove it.

Masked Bagger: Couldn’t you just tell Santa on me?

The Nutkroger begins to squeeze his mouth in order to break Bagger’s hand. Our hero uses his left hand to grab his box cutter. He takes a swipe at the villain, slicing his face. The Nutkroger screams, giving the 717 Guardian a chance to remove his hand and free himself.

The Nutkroger: This isn’t over, Bagger!

Masked Bagger: Maybe not, but I’m winning!

The magnificent man in a mask shoots out a cart strap, and attaches it to a giant display of nutcrackers. He pulls, and the display falls, landing right on Nutkroger. He’s pinned down, unable to move and angry.

The Nutkroger: This STILL isn’t over!

Masked Bagger: At any rate, this will keep you down while I get my bag-gun fixed. But first, I’m late for gift-giving with my “angels.”

CUT TO: The break room. Katie, Mindy and Hailie are there per request, waiting for Adam to arrive with their gifts. He was a little late, since he had to battle The Nutkroger, but he finally enters the room.

Adam Hauck: Ho! Ho! Ho! And to each “Ho,” a stocking filled with goodies. Merry Christmas.

Hailie Hauck: Did he just done call us hoes?

Mindy Dalton: I think he did.

Adam Hauck: I did but I was just kidding. You know, being funny.

Katie Collins: You need to work on being funny then.

Adam Hauck: Fine. Well anyways, Katie, you go first. Here’s your gift.

He hands it to her. It’s a stocking filled to the brim. She smiles.

Adam Hauck: Look inside.

Katie Collins: I am.

Inside the stocking there’s plenty of candy, a couple of gift cards and a brand new cell phone. Once she spots the phone, her face lights up with a huge smile.

Adam Hauck: I know you broke your phone the other day and since then have gone phone-less. I also know how hard that must be for you, since you’re almost always texting. So, you like it?

Katie Collins: I do. Thanks, Puddin’.

Adam Hauck: You’re welcome, Katie.

He wonders if she’s going to hug him, but she doesn’t. Instead she says…

Katie Collins: I wasn’t able to get you anything.

Adam Hauck: Oh. Well that’s okay. I’m just glad I could get you something that you like.

Katie Collins: Me, too.

Adam turns to Mindy and hands her a stocking.

Adam Hauck: Your turn, Mindy.

She goes through it to find much of the same: candy, gift cards and a music box. Mindy smiles when she sees it.

Adam Hauck: I know you collect music boxes and this is a rare one. I found it on eBay.

Mindy Dalton: I don’t know what to say, Adam. Besides thank you, very much. This is a great gift. (pause) Makes me wish I got you something.

Adam Hauck: You didn’t?

Mindy Dalton: I’m sorry. I meant to, but I’ve been so broke lately. I couldn’t afford to get you anything.

Adam Hauck: That’s alright. Christmas is about giving, not getting, and that’s a lesson I’m certainly learning this year.

Hailie Hauck: It be my turn now!

Adam Hauck: Fine. Here you go, Hailie.

He hands Hailie her gift. It’s also a stocking. Lots of good stuff in there for her, including a calendar. Adam watches as she smiles at all the stuff she got.

Adam Hauck: I know you have a thing for black men, and so I got you the 2015 “Hot, Black and Manly” calendar. But in case Agent Jensen stops by our house, he might get curious as to why you have this, so I’ve taken various pictures of my face and pasted them over the faces of the black men. You’re welcome.

Hailie Hauck: Thanks, I guess. But you could have given me the stocking at home. Why did I have to come to work just to get this?

Adam Hauck: I figured this way, with me giving you all your gifts at the same time, a group hug might happen.

He looks at them but none look willing to make his group hug dream a reality.

Adam Hauck: Well anyways, what’d you get me?

Hailie Hauck: What? It’s not enough that I married you to keep you in the country? THAT be my gift to you this year - our marriage!

Adam Hauck: (insincere) Thank you.

CUT TO: Bernie is dressed as Santa Claus. Katie is dressed as Mrs. Claus and Ben is dressed as an elf. There’s a line-up of kids and parents waiting to have their turn with Santa. Bernie looks at Katie.

Bernie Boswell: (quietly) You know, with that gray-hair wig and you being made up to look like an old lady, you’re kinda turning Santa on.

Katie Collins: Do you really wanna get beat up in front of all these kids? ‘cause I can make that happen.

Bernie Boswell: I’m sorry. Let’s get this going.

He turns to the kids.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas, one and all! It is time to sit on Santa’s lap and tell him what you want.

A little girl gets on Santa’s lap.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: What’s your name?

Molly: Molly.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: And what can I get you this year?

Molly: I want a Puppy Surprise doll, and since I broke my mom’s DVD, I want you to replace it.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: Well what’s it called, young Molly?

Molly: (yells to her mom) Mom, is your DVD called “Spanking Fantasies Realized”?

Molly’s Mom: (embarrassed) Yes.

Molly: Get that for her. Although I don’t understand it. Why would somebody actually *want* a spanking?

Santa “Bernie” Claus: I can’t answer that one, Molly.

Molly gets off Santa’s lap and returns to her mortified mother. A boy walks up to Santa and sits on his lap.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: And what’s *your* name?

Adam: Adam.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: Oh, really? I have a friend named Adam. He works in this very store.

Adam: I don’t care, Santa. All I care about is getting a special gift this Christmas and it’s YOUR job to get it for me.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: Any chance it’s a pet grizzly bear? Because I’ll do it… for you.

Adam: Don’t be stupid, Santa. That bear would kill me. What I want - and you’d better open those ears of yours and listen closely - is a collection of My Little Pony toys.

Santa laughs and then tells the crowd.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: Hey everybody, we have a brony here. This little boy wants My Little Pony toys! Have you ever heard anything so hilarious in your life?

The father of the boy, who has the build of a professional wrestler, walks up to Santa with an angry look on his face.

Adam’s Father: They’re about to hear Santa Claus scream like a little girl as I pulverize you. THAT would be hilarious.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: (nervous) I wasn’t talking about your son. I was talking about my elf, Ben. He’s 21-years-old and he’s a brony. Your son liking “My Little Pony” is a great thing and not only do I support his love for that show and toy line, but I encourage others who might be in the closet about it, to come out and admit they love it, too.

Adam’s Father: Apologize to my kid!

Santa “Bernie” Claus: I’m sorry.

The kid gets off his lap and then kicks him in the shin. Meanwhile, Ben wonders how Bernie knows he’s a brony.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger enters the basement lab. Tincher’s already down there.

Masked Bagger: Professor, I need you to fix my bag-gun. The Nutkroger broke it.

Professor Tincher: The who now?

Masked Bagger: Some nutcracker villain calling himself The Nutkroger.

Professor Tincher: I wonder who he really is.

Masked Bagger: My gut tells me it’s Bowshier. I saw him earlier today but not lately. I mean not since Nutkroger arrived.

Professor Tincher: Hmm, interesting. I’ll look into that. In the meantime, I have a backup bag-gun for you to use.

He hands it to him.

Professor Tincher: Merry Christmas, Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Thanks, Professor.

With his new bag-gun, the 717 Guardian heads back to the scene of the crime - the non-foods aisle.

CUT TO: The line-up of kids is dwindling down to the last two kids. Santa invites the first of them to come over. They do.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: Ho! Ho! Ho! And what can I get you this year?

Kid: I want dolls from “Paw Patrol,” “Bubble Guppies,” Yo Gabba Gabba and “Doc McStuffins.”

Santa looks at the kid’s mom, who has an approving face.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: That sounds like something Santa can do.

Kid: I love you, Santa!

Santa “Bernie” Claus: And Santa loves you, too.

Ben the elf takes a picture and the kid gets off Santa’s lap and walks back to her mother. Soon the last kid in line - a little girl - sits on Santa’s lap.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: And what’s your name?

Michelle: Michelle.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: And what can Santa get you for Christmas?

Michelle: I want a Minnie Mouse bike. My neighbors each have one and ride theirs by my house, but I can only watch them ride. I can’t play with them because I don’t have one of my very own. It makes me sad, Santa.

Bernie looks at Michelle’s mom, who nods her head no. Then he looks into Michelle’s eyes and he simply can’t deny her this gift.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: Of course Santa will get that for you.

Michelle: Oh thank you, Santa! Thank you so much!

She gives him a quick hug and runs over to her mom. Her mom instructs her to wait there as she approaches Santa, who’s getting up.

Michelle’s Mom: Why did you promise her that? We can’t afford it this year. My husband got laid off. We have only a tiny budget for presents.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: Don’t worry about that. I’m going to go buy it myself right now. If you come back in an hour and go to the customer service desk, it’ll be there waiting for you - already paid for.

Michelle’s Mom: Seriously? Thank you so much… Santa.

She hugs him.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: Christmas is a time for miracles and making little kids happy.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger returns to the promo aisle where Nutkroger is still pinned under the shelving.

Masked Bagger: I’m back and I brought a goodie with me.

The Nutkroger: That’s laughable, Bagger. I’m just going to break it again. Oh, how you amuse me!

Masked Bagger: You’re the one who amuses me. You’re pinned under shelving. What can you do to me?

The Nutkroger: You can’t bag me while I’m under here. You’ll have to free me first.

The 717 Guardian realizes “Woody” is right. He gets on his knees to lift up the shelving, and Nutkroger instantly punches him in the face. They both stand up and square off.

The Nutkroger: Let’s get this over with, Bagger. I’d love to put your head on top of the Christmas tree.

Masked Bagger: Well that’s creepy and NOT gonna happen!

Our hero aims the bag-gun at Nutkroger, but it makes a popping sound and doesn’t work. Bagger looks embarrassed as The Nutkroger laughs and comes closer. That’s when the 717 Guardian actually squeezes the trigger and a bag comes out, wrapping itself around the villain.

Masked Bagger: He fell for my little trick. What a block head!

CUT TO: The basement lab. Professor Tincher takes The Nutkroger out of the bag. Much to Tincher and Bagger’s surprise, he is no longer evil. He’s Thomas Bowshier once more.

Professor Tincher: I don’t believe this!

Masked Bagger: It’s a Christmas miracle.

Thomas Bowshier: What’s going on? I was filled with such rage and hate, and now all of a sudden I feel… friendly. I’m my old self again. Oh, Masked Bagger, I’m so sorry for fighting you and trying to break your hand. Oh no! I broke Jeff’s hand! I hope he can forgive me.

Masked Bagger: It’s okay. I mean fighting me. You may need to actually apologize to Jeff personally, but seeing as he doesn’t know it was you inside that nutcracker disguise, I wouldn’t worry about it.

Professor Tincher: Why don’t you take the rest of the day off, and Merry Christmas.

Thomas Bowshier: That sounds good, and I hope you have the greatest Christmas ever this year, Mr. Tincher.

Professor Tincher: Well that’s impossible, but I thank you anyway for the gesture, Thomas.

Thomas leaves the basement.

Masked Bagger: I can’t help but notice he didn’t wish *me* a Merry Christmas. I’m not gonna lie, that hurts.

Professor Tincher: Well you *did* slice his face with a box cutter.

Masked Bagger: He could still say Merry Christmas.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher is up front. There are plenty of cashiers and baggers, so he goes over to Katie.

Professor Tincher: Since we’re overstaffed right now Katie, I’d like you to stand by the exit door and wish the departing customers a season’s greetings. Now remember, people tend to get offended quite easily these days if you give the wrong type of greeting. So be careful.

Katie Collins: Imma need you to take it down a notch. I’ll be just fine.

She walks over to the exit door. A customer approaches.

Katie Collins: Merry Christmas.

Customer #1: Christmas? No it’s “Happy Holidays.”

The customer leaves. Another one comes.

Katie Collins: Happy Holidays.

Customer #2: Don’t take Christ out of Christmas, young lady!

They leave. Another customer comes.

Katie Collins: Merry Christmas.

Customer #3: So you think everyone celebrates the birth of your Christ? You’re so narrow minded.

They leave. Another customer comes.

Katie Collins: Happy Holidays.

Customer #4: Typical political correctness police, keeping Christ out of his own birthday.

They leave. Yet another customer arrives.

Katie Collins: Merry Christmas.

Customer #5: I’m Jewish, but I guess in your mind *everybody* celebrates Christmas. Unbelievable!

They leave. Another customer comes.

Katie Collins: Happy Holidays.

Customer #6: Thank you.

Katie smiles.

Katie Collins: You’re welcome.

Customer #6: Wait a second. (to Katie) I’m on the phone.

He points to his headset.

Customer #6: What did you say?

Katie Collins: (nervous) I said Happy Holidays.

Customer #6: Bite me.

Katie Collins: Imma need people to get it together!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is standing at the bakery, grabbing a complimentary candy cane cookie. The Christmas Genie appears.

Christmas Genie: Your shift is almost over. So what is your wish?

Masked Bagger: I have no idea. Let’s see, the rules are the same as in “Aladdin,” so I can’t make someone fall in love with me, nor can I ask that someone return from the dead, nor can I ask for any more wishes.

Christmas Genie: Correct. What will it be?

Masked Bagger: Do you have any ideas?

Christmas Genie: Is there any particular moment you’d like to relive? I can send you back in time. Of course, you can’t change anything in the past. Once you return to the present, everything goes back to as if I hadn’t sent you at all, but you’ll know it happened.

Masked Bagger: I’d love to relive my date with Katie from last year… or that time I got to see a female co-worker stark-naked. Maybe my wish should have something to do with my powers. I’ve always wanted to have the power to turn invisible whenever I want. That would be accurate to baggers, too, because whenever you need one, they vanish. Then again, I’d also love to have x-ray vision… be able to see through walls and stuff. Does all of this make me sound pervy?

Christmas Genie: Yes.

Masked Bagger: You’re a very judgmental genie.

Christmas Genie: And you’re a very indecisive human. Make your wish.

Masked Bagger: Let’s see. What’s my wish? I was never good at making up my mind on anything. Um, my wish is…

The 717 Guardian looks over and sees Tincher looking sad as a family of three, resembling his previous family, walk by.

Masked Bagger: I’ve got it!

CUT TO: Professor Stan Tincher is back in 1996 with his late wife Brooke, six-year-old step-son Bailey and his late sister, Meghan. Bagger’s wish was for the Professor to get to relive his most favorite Christmas ever! As Adam watches a few minutes of the Tincher family reunion in a special snow globe - and remembers the smiles on the faces of Katie, Mindy and Hailie - he realizes that he was given the greatest gift of all this year… the gift of being able to make his friends happy.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

ISSUE #19. The Wizard of Kroger-Oz

Starring:
Masked Bagger (Scary Wizard) alias Adam Hauck (The Scarecrow)
Professor Tincher (Normal Wizard)
Katie Collins
Ben Davis (The Tin Man)
Bernie Boswell (The Cowardly Lion)
Mindy Dalton (Glinda the Good Witch)

Guest Starring:
Floralicity (aka Debbie Garfield) [pictured below]
Hailie Hauck (The Wicked Witch of Non-Foods)
Agent Jensen
Sharon the Munchkin [pictured below]
Gonzo

The OZ characters!

Adam Hauck as The Scarecrow
Ben Davis as The Tin Man
Bernie Boswell as The Cowardly Lion
Hailie Hauck as The Wicked Witch of Non-Foods
Mindy Dalton as Glinda the Good Witch
Masked Bagger as Scary Wizard
The Gonzo Doll

ISSUE #19. The Wizard of Kroger-Oz

Originally Released on February 9th, 2015

And Now The Story…

Katie walks into the floral department. She’s a little nervous but more so she’s excited. Today is her first official day as a floral clerk. No longer a bagger, Katie feels she’s moving up in the company. She notices a Gonzo doll on the counter with a card. She picks it up, which reads “Con-Gonzo-lations on your promotion! - Adam”

Katie Collins: Imma need Adam to stop being such a dork.

Because of her new position, Katie has later hours. So late, in fact, that Adam has come and gone for the day without getting to see her. Mindy, however, is still there and approaches Katie.

Mindy Dalton: Hi, Katie.

Katie Collins: Hey, Mindy.

Mindy Dalton: How are you liking your new job?

Katie Collins: (with attitude) Uh, I just got here. I haven’t even started working yet.

Mindy Dalton: Take it down a notch. Sheesh. I’ll never know what Adam saw in you.

Katie Collins: What’s that supposed to mean?

Mindy Dalton: I think it’s quite obvious. (sighs) Look, I didn’t come here to argue. I just saw you here and wanted to chat. I didn’t know how to start the conversation, so I asked how you were liking the new job. That’s all.

Katie Collins: Okay, I’m sorry. So how’s your day going?

Mindy Dalton: Fine, except Bernie kept insisting on telling me all the intimate details of his love life with Jean.

Katie Collins: How can you even start that sentence with the word “fine”?

Mindy Dalton: It wasn’t easy.

They both laugh.

Mindy Dalton: I see Adam got you a Gonzo doll. Are you a big Muppets fan?

Katie Collins: No. I don’t know why he got me this.

Mindy Dalton: Well it’s still sweet.

Katie Collins: Actually it’s weird, but Imma tolerate it for now.

Mindy Dalton: Well I’m gonna go.

Katie Collins: Okay, peace out.

Mindy walks away. Katie looks at a note written by the floral head. Debbie Garfield, the former head, sneaks up behind Katie and sprinkles some magical dust on her head. Katie turns around.

Katie Collins: Debbie Garfield? What are you doing here?

Debbie Garfield: Just checking up on things. I noticed you have a baby bump there. Did you and Adam finally get together?

Katie Collins: Gross, no! This is from my boyfriend, Austin.

Debbie Garfield: For the record, I go by Floralicity now.

The floral foe blows in Katie’s face. This activates the magic dust, and Katie passes out.

CUT TO: Adam is sitting on his couch, recovering from a hard day at work as Masked Bagger. He had an almost endless battle with the giant bird-men, and just barely won.

Adam Hauck: That was a rough work day. At least things at home are going smoothly.

Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door. Adam opens it to find Agent Jensen there.

Adam Hauck: Agent Jensen? You’re here. In my house. Right now.

Agent Jensen: That’s correct. How’s the lovely Mrs. Hauck?

Adam Hauck: She’s fine. Heck, she’s married to me. She’s great.

Agent Jensen: Is she here?

Adam Hauck: Yeah, but she’s taking a nap. The lovemaking was so intense, it wore her out.

Agent Jensen: Well wake her up. This is a surprise visit to make sure you two are a real married couple. I’m going to be asking questions and if I don’t like the answers, both of you will be thrown in jail.

Adam Hauck: Wow, you really take your questions seriously.

Agent Jensen: That’s right. I do.

Adam Hauck: Just give me a second while I wake up Hailie.

Adam heads over to his bedroom. He lightly taps on the door, but there is no response. He opens the door to find Hailie and her boyfriend (for the week) in the middle of a - let’s just say - personal moment. Hailie looks and sees Adam.

Hailie Hauck: This give you yo jollies?

Adam Hauck: No. Jensen is here. He wants to interview us.

Hailie Hauck: Tell him I be busy.

Adam Hauck: Busy doing what… Jake?

Hailie Hauck: Tell him something. My sex life with other men is the only fun I get out of this marriage.

Adam Hauck: And I hate to take you away from this, but I need you in the living room now!

Hailie Hauck: Ugh, fine!

Hailie stops what’s going on and gets dressed. Jake, Hailie’s “special activity partner” also gets dressed and then climbs out the window, since his presence could not be well explained to Agent Jensen. Adam and Hailie go into the living room where Jensen is sitting on their couch.

Agent Jensen: Hello Haucks. Time for some questioning.

CUT TO: Katie is laying on the floor in the floral department. When she wakes up, she notices a lot of changes in her surroundings. The tiles on the floor are colorful, some red, some yellow, some blue. The most magical thing about this setup is she doesn’t see any customers. Not one. She looks over at her Gonzo doll, and it comes to life. He remains the size of the doll but is able to move around and talk.

Katie Collins: Whoa, what’s this?

Gonzo: I’m your doll, Gonzo. Adam gave me to you, remember?

Katie Collins: I remember but you weren’t alive before.

Gonzo: That’s because I wasn’t in a magical land then.

Katie Collins: We’re in a magical land?

Gonzo: Yes, but don’t ask me to explain it to you. That’s what Glinda is for, and I see she’s on her way here right now.

Glinda the Good Witch - who looks just like Mindy Dalton - walks over to Katie and her doll friend.

Glinda: Hello. I am Glinda, the Good Witch. I can see you have killed my sister, the Wicked Witch of Floral.

Katie looks behind her and sees a dead witch. She’s shocked.

Katie Collins: No, I didn’t. I didn’t even know she was there.

Glinda: (Disappointed) Oh, really?

Gonzo: Katie is being modest. Of course she killed the Wicked Witch. Does she get a reward?

Glinda: Yes. She gets to be Princess of the land of Kroger-Oz.

Katie Collins: That’s great but Imma pass. I just want to go home.

Glinda: Well if it’s home you want, it’s home you shall get. Go and see the great and powerful Wizard of Kroger-Oz, and he shall get you home.

The actual story of “The Wizard of Oz” has been erased from Katie’s brain, so all that’s happening seems like an original story to her. A group of Munchkins head her way. They are all singing “Hi Ho.”

The Munchkins: ♪Hi Ho. Hi Ho. It’s off to work we go. ♪

They stop next to Glinda.

Glinda: Dear Munchkins… that’s a song the dwarves sing in “Snow White.” You’re not a bunch of dwarves.

Sharon the Munchkin: Oops. Silly us. Who’s the girl?

Glinda: Her name is Katie. She just killed the Wicked Witch of Floral and wants to go home. So I’m sending her to see the Wizard.

Katie Collins: How do I find this Wizard?

Glinda: Well silly, you just follow the yellow tile floor. It shall direct you to him in his office. You will have a much better chance to actually see him if you are wearing these ruby slippers.

Glinda presents Katie with ruby slippers. Katie leans against the counter and removes both shoes. Before putting the slippers on, Glinda gets a whiff of Katie’s feet and makes an unpleasant face. The Munchkins also look disgusted.

Glinda: Hurry up, please.

Katie Collins: Imma need you to calm down. I’m putting them on.

Glinda holds her breath until Katie slips on the second (and final) slipper. Then the Good Witch breaths again.

Sharon the Munchkin: I’m reminded of a certain Kimmy Gibbler.

Katie Collins: You guys don’t need to be rude. So I have smelly feet. It could be worse. I could have YOUR dorky hairdos.

Glinda: No need for that. Now I must warn you. The Wicked Witch of Non-Foods will want those ruby slippers. She can’t have them. Only bad things can happen when she possesses those slippers. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must be going.

Glinda turns into a big pink bubble and floats away. Katie turns to Gonzo.

Katie Collins: Let’s go out the front door!

CUT TO: The Haucks and Agent Jensen are sitting down in the living room of Adam’s house.

Agent Jensen: Adam - what is Hailie’s favorite TV series?

Adam Hauck: Hmm, well it used to be “14 and Dreaming of Being Pregnant,” but that was last year. This year it’s the sequel series “15, Pregnant, and Miserable.”

Agent Jensen: Correct!

Hailie Hauck: I read online that next year’s title will be “16, Miserable, Pregnant Again.” I be excited for that.

Agent Jensen: Hailie, same question.

Hailie Hauck: Adam’s favorite show be “NewsRadio.”

Agent Jensen: Correct! Adam, what is Hailie’s bra size?

Adam Hauck: That’s a trick question. She doesn’t wear a bra.

Agent Jensen: Correct!

Hailie Hauck: (to Jensen) How you know THAT???

Agent Jensen: Never you mind. Now Hailie, Adam has a mole on his left butt cheek. True or false?

Hailie Hauck: False!

Agent Jensen: Correct!

Adam Hauck: The government knows WAY too much about my body!

CUT TO: Katie, while holding Gonzo in her arms, goes outside. However, there is a force field keeping her from going past the sidewalk. She’s trapped. Frustrated, Katie looks to her left, and spots a scarecrow. She looks at it, and it looks very much like Adam.

Katie Collins: Adam?

The Scarecrow: Adam? Who’s Adam?

Katie Collins: Imma need you to take off that silly costume and help me out of here! I’m lost!

The Scarecrow: I need your help getting me down, first.

She gets him off the post he was attached to. The Scarecrow then opens his shirt, revealing nothing but straw. He is a real scarecrow - not Adam in disguise.

Katie Collins: I’m convinced. You’re not Adam.

The Scarecrow: That’s right. Hey, I see you’ve got a baby bump going on there.

Katie Collins: Yes, I’m pregnant.

The Scarecrow: Just one question: Am I the father?

Katie Collins: No! We literally just met!

The Scarecrow: Well excuse me for not knowing that. I don’t have a brain as it turns out. So as far as I know, we may have a history together, and had a very romantic night that led to that baby bump.

Gonzo: He’s got a point.

Katie Collins: No, actually he doesn’t.

Gonzo: She’s got a point there.

The Scarecrow: So what are you doing here? You wear the clothes of an employee and yet you say you’re lost?

Katie Collins: I’m just a visitor. I’m on my way to find the Wizard, so he can send me home.

The Scarecrow: Listen, you say you’re going to see the Wizard. Take me with you. Maybe he can give me a brain.

Katie Collins: Fine. You can come with.

The Scarecrow: Where?

Katie Collins: To see the Wizard of Kroger-Oz!

The Scarecrow: Why?

Katie Collins: (frustrated) So I can go home and you can get a brain.

The Scarecrow: Who are you again?

Katie Collins: Ugh, we need to hurry up and get you that brain!

CUT TO: Katie (with Gonzo) and The Scarecrow walk down the yellow tile floor, and as they approach produce, they spot a tin man standing motionless. He looks like Ben Davis and is mumbling something.

Katie Collins: That man made of tin seems to be mumbling something.

The Scarecrow: What’s he saying? I would try to figure it out myself but as you recall, I don’t have a brain.

Katie Collins: I think he’s saying “oil me.” He better not be a perv!

She spots his oil can on the floor next to him. Katie picks it up and begins oiling him. He starts to move around.

Tin Man: Happy Birthday!

The Scarecrow: Huh?

Tin Man: Oh, sorry. That’s Frosty the Snowman.

Katie Collins: And what’s *your* name?

Tin Man: Tin Man.

Katie Collins: I’m Katie Collins.

Tin Man: Didn’t ask. Don’t care.

Katie Collins: Imma need you to get a grip.

The Scarecrow: Is there anything you need from the Wizard? We’re on our way to see him now.

Tin Man: Well, Ugly, some say I need a heart. Do you think this Wizard fella could get me one?

The Scarecrow: I don’t think at all. I haven’t got a brain.

Katie Collins: I don’t know, Tin Man, but it’s worth a shot.

Tin Man: Let’s do it!

CUT TO: Katie, Gonzo, Scarecrow and the Tin Man walk through the bakery when suddenly a lion (looking like Bernie) jumps out. He roars a mighty roar, which scares nobody.

Katie Collins: Did you try to scare us? Because that’s pathetic!

Cowardly Lion: I’m sorry. Please don’t hurt me! I apologize. Have mercy on me, I beg of you.

Tin Man: Dude, you need some courage, ASAP!

Cowardly Lion: I agree.

Katie Collins: Maybe the Wizard could get you some courage. Come with us.

Cowardly Lion: I’m too scared to say no, so yes!

Suddenly, the Wicked Witch of Non-Foods arrives. She looks a lot like Hailie Hauck.

Wicked Witch: Gimme those ruby slippers!

Gonzo: Trust me. You don’t want her taking those off her feet.

Katie Collins: Gonzo, shut lip! Witch, you ain’t getting these slippers!

Wicked Witch: I shall have them!

Tin Man: No. you shall not!

Wicked Witch: This isn’t over!

Angry, the Witch gets on her broomstick and flies off. The gang continue on their way to see the Wizard.

CUT TO: Adam, Hailie and Jensen still at the Hauck house.

Agent Jensen: Adam - when Hailie makes love, what kind of noises does she make?

Hailie Hauck: Stop it! Watchu be talkin’ about? How would you even know the correct answer?

Agent Jensen: Please, Mrs. Hauck. I’m in the middle of a government question to Mr. Hauck here.

Adam Hauck: Hailie’s got a point. What IS this?

Agent Jensen: Fine. I know all about your fake marriage. Do you think I’m some sort of numbskull?

Adam Hauck: I wouldn’t say “think” so much as “hope.”

Agent Jensen: I had planted Jake here to make sweet love to Hailie. He also provided me with all the answers to my questions. You’re done for… the both of you!

Hailie Hauck: It was all Adam’s idea!

Adam Hauck: Such a wicked thing to do, turning me in.

Agent Jensen: It doesn’t matter. You’re both going to prison for ten years. Then Adam will be deported and Hailie will be an ex-convict.

Adam Hauck: You haven’t proven anything about us having a fake marriage. All you know is that we have an open marriage. I knew Jake was coming by and doing things with my wife. I still love her. We’re swingers, Jensen! That’s all.

Agent Jensen: What? Seriously?

Hailie Hauck: Dang tootin’.

Agent Jensen: Well in that case, congratulations on a happy marriage. I’ll be going now.

Jensen leaves just as the phone rings. Adam answers it. It’s Tincher informing him that Kate is in a coma. Adam rushes to the store.

CUT TO: The store. Professor Tincher is in his office. Katie is laying on a cot. Adam enters.

Adam Hauck: How did she get in a coma again?

Professor Tincher: “Again” refers to the time Debbie Garfield put her in a coma. Well guess what. Garfield has been spotted in here earlier today. Coincidence? I think not.

CUT TO: Katie and her Oz-traveling gang continue down the yellow tile floor. They spot the Wizard’s office. However, standing before it is the Wicked Witch once more.

Katie Collins: Oh I don’t think so! I’ll annoy this bit… I mean witch.

Katie grabs a spray bottle of water and sprays the Witch with it. She falls to the floor and begins melting.

Wicked Witch: I’m melting! I’m melting!

Katie Collins: If water does this to you, does that mean you’ve *never* taken a shower before? Nasty!

Once the Witch is dead, The Fifth Estate’s version of “Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is Dead” begins to play on the intercom. Katie and the others open the office door and walk inside. They spot a giant head. It looks just like The Masked Bagger.

(The Fifth Estate's version of "Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is Dead") https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUOxhGa4lvw

Katie Collins: Excuse me, Wizard?

The Wizard: What is it? Who are you? How dare you enter this office?

Katie Collins: I’m Katie Collins. I just killed two wicked witches, and want to go home. Glinda told me you can make that happen. I wear the ruby slippers.

The Wizard: No. Get out of here. Oz is your home now.

The Tin Man spots a curtain and opens it up. A man looking much like Professor Tincher is standing there. He notices he’s been spotted.

The Wizard: Pay no attention to that curtain behind the man. Darn it, I flubbed the line!

Katie Collins: Mister Tincher?

The Wizard: Who?

Katie Collins: I don’t know why I keep asking. It’s never who I think it is. Listen, Imma need your help getting me home.

Tin Man: And I need a heart.

Cowardly Lion: And I need some courage.

The Scarecrow: And I need… I don’t remember.

Katie Collins: A brain.

The Wizard: Look, I’d like to help, but I really just want to be left alone. That’s why I put that image up - to scare people away.

Tin Man: Help us and we go away.

The Wizard: I like your logic. Okay. I’ll help!

CUT TO: Professor Tincher and Adam are in the office. Debbie Garfield - now Floralicity - enters the room.

Adam Hauck: So this was all Debbie’s doing?

Floralicity: Yes, Adam. It was.

Adam Hauck: Debbie Garfield? I don’t believe it!

Floralicity: The name used to be Garfield. Now I go by Floralicity.

Adam Hauck: Why?

Floralicity: Before, I didn’t see myself as a villain. Now I do.

Adam Hauck: No, I mean why such a silly name?

Bernie and Ben are outside the office, about to go in. Bernie decides to be funny.

Bernie Boswell: Hey Ben, I’ve got a weak back.

Ben Davis: How’d you get that?

Bernie Boswell: About a week back (laughs).

Ben Davis: Huh?

Bernie Boswell: Wait. You did that wrong.

Ben Davis: I’m sorry?

Bernie Boswell: You were supposed to say “how long have you had a weak back?” To which I would reply “About a week back.” Then we’d both laugh and laugh. Good times we should have had, but you screwed up. You suck at comedy.

Ben Davis: Bernie, I think it’s time for your medication again.

They enter the office and see the former Debbie Garfield. Bernie’s face lights up. If you recall, he had quite the crush on her.

Bernie Boswell: Debbie! How are you?

Floralicity: I’m fine… have we met?

Bernie is crushed. The floral villain looks at Adam.

Floralicity: See. I hurt his feelings on purpose. I’m bad now.

Adam Hauck: I can’t believe I… I mean, Masked Bagger just let you go before. He should have incarcerated you. Then none of this would have happened, and Katie’s life wouldn’t - once again - be on the line.

Ben Davis: Will someone tell me what’s going on here?

Professor Tincher enters the room and heard Ben’s question.

Professor Tincher: Katie is in a coma. She’s having some sort of dream, it appears. However, if she dies in the dream, she’ll never wake up in reality. So even though she’s not physically doing anything, she’s still in peril. This is all the doing of super villain Floralicity, alias Debbie Garfield.

Bernie Boswell: (shocked) Debbie, no!

Adam Hauck: What have you done to her mind?

Floralicity: She’s in the land of Kroger-Oz. I’ve created the scenery and all of the characters.

Ben Davis: Huh?

Floralicity: Katie is seeing many of you in Kroger-Oz. Adam, she sees you as The Scarecrow because you need a brain. No one in their right mind would fall in love with that girl. Ben, she sees you as the Tin Man because you come off as unsympathetic many times and in need of a heart. Bernie, she sees you as the Cowardly Lion because, well I think that one is pretty obvious.

Bernie Boswell: Obvious? Me - a coward? I think not! Would a coward do this?!?

Bernie goes right up to Floralicity and passionately kisses her full on the mouth. It lasts for almost a whole minute. Adam and Ben are feeling very awkward and disgusted during this moment. When the kiss ends, Bernie looks at Floralicity and says…

Bernie Boswell: Well, what do you say to that?

Floralicity: Okay, maybe YOU’RE the one in need of a brain… and kissing lessons.

Adam Hauck: Bernie, enough of this silliness. Now how do we get Katie to wake up?

Floralicity: There is nothing any of us can do. Katie has to find a way to get back to this reality on her own, or she’ll never wake up.

Adam Hauck: Funny that whenever Debbie Garfield comes to Kroger, Katie ends up in a coma.

Floralicity: I did this all for you, Adam.

Adam Hauck: Me? Why?

Floralicity: You love her. Even though you say you don’t. I know you do. I can sense it. Because she doesn’t love you back, I’m making her pay.

As Adam begins to speak, he hears sappy, heartwarming music in the background as if he’s in an episode of “Full House.”

Adam Hauck: No. This is wrong, Debbie. It’s true I have feelings for Katie. They haven’t gone away even though I pretend they have. But that’s life. As unfair as it may seem to me at the moment, Katie doesn’t love me… and that’s okay. It just means she’s not the one for me, and that the “one” is still out there somewhere, but I won’t find her and recognize that she’s the one if I remain focused on Katie.

Floralicity: Are you saying you want Katie back in this realm?

Adam Hauck: Yes! She’s still kind of my friend, but even if she wasn’t, I wouldn’t wish anything bad for her - like being stuck in an alternate dimension.

CUT TO: The Wizard is with Katie and the others.

Katie Collins: Well gang, you all got what you wanted. Scarecrow, the Wizard gave you a brain.

The Scarecrow: Yes, he most indubitably did. Except now I’m wondering why a scarecrow even needs a brain.

Katie Collins: Tin Man, he gave you a heart.

Tin Man: (voice cracking) He did, and I love him for it. I love you for taking me on this trip, and I love the feeling of love itself.

Katie Collins: And Lion, you are no longer a coward.

Cowardly Lion: No, I’m not.

He roars a loud roar.

Cowardly Lion: And I mean that.

The Scarecrow: That just leaves you, Katie.

The Wizard: Just tap your heals together and repeat after me. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher returns to his office for only a moment and then rushes back into the manager’s office, where the others are.

Professor Tincher: Adam, come in here! Katie’s mumbling what sounds like “No place like home.” I think she’s returning to us!

Adam, Ben and Bernie rush into Tincher’s office and stand next to Katie, who is slowly coming out of her coma. Debbie slips away.

Katie Collins: (eyes closed) There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.

She awakens and looks at all the guys in the room. She smiles.

Katie Collins: I made it. I’m back.

She looks around.

Katie Collins: I’m laying down. Was it all a dream?

Ben Davis: Yes.

Professor Tincher: Yes and no. It *was* a dream, however, your life was really in peril, and I’m sure it all felt real to you. It was all the doing of Debbie Garfield.

Katie Collins: That’s right! She was there just before I entered the land of Kroger-Oz.

Adam Hauck: Katie, I’m glad to see you’re alright, but if everyone will excuse me, I, uh, have some immediate shopping to do.

Adam leaves the office, heads to the bagger’s closet and transforms into The Masked Bagger. He then begins tracking down Floralicity, and finds her.

Masked Bagger: I told you I never wanted to see you in this store again.

Floralicity: And who’s fault is it that you’re seeing me? Close your eyes - problem solved.

Masked Bagger: You targeted Katie this time, and I can’t have that. You’re going to jail and by “jail” I mean the basement of this store with all the other super villains.

Floralicity: I don’t think so. You’ll have to fight me first.

Masked Bagger: No. You’re a woman. I’m not about to fight a woman.

Floralicity: Yes, you will.

She races towards him. Our handsome hero takes out his bag-gun and shoots her, capturing the villainous in a bag.

Masked Bagger: No means no. That’s not something women hear from me often, but when I say it, clearly I mean it!

THE END... FOR THIS ISSUE!

**SEASON FINALE**

ISSUE #20. Bagger Versus Beggar

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Ben Davis
Bernie Boswell
Mindy Dalton alias Retail-Red

Guest Starring:
Masked Beggar [pictured below]
Kroger Devil
Hailie Hauck

So there's no confusion in the reading of their names, "Masked Bagger" remains in blue, while "Masked Beggar" will have his name in green.

ISSUE #20. Bagger Versus Beggar

Originally Released on March 28th, 2015

The Magnificent Story Continues…

MARCH 2013 - One month after Adam joined Kroger 717 as Masked Bagger, and two years before this issue. Mindy Dalton and her fiancé, Adam Hauck (aka Adam III) from Earth level three, enter Earth level two, the world where 717 exists. Adam looks different. He’s fit and looks good. Also, this Adam is a genius who invented inter-dimensional travel. Let’s face it, if our Adam put his mind to it, he’s probably capable of such feats as well.

Adam III: Mindy, this will be our new home. Away from those out to get us. We should be safe here.

Mindy Dalton: I hope so, Adam. But I still don’t understand why we had to leave. Who’s after us?

Adam III: I know this is going to sound crazy but a devil and his army. They’ve been after me for weeks and they finally found me. They’re dangerous, Mindy. Deadly.

She laughs at how silly that sounds, then notices he’s keeping a straight face. He’s being serious.

Mindy Dalton: I think the price you pay for being a genius is taking its toll on your sanity, honey.

Adam III: Nonsense. Now let’s find a place to live.

Mindy Dalton: Hopefully we can visit my parents and brother soon. I already miss them.

Adam III: Haven’t I been clear on this? We will never go back. It’s too dangerous. This is where we shall remain for the rest of our lives.

Mindy Dalton: I’ll never see my parents again? Adam, I want to go home… now!

Adam III: You *are* home. I’m sorry but that’s just the way it has to be. Now since we don’t want to make waves in the universe and chance the devil finding us here, we shall live plain, ordinary, hum-drum lives. In other words, we’re going to be boring.

CUT TO: Present day, March 2015. Mindy, in the guise of Retail-Red, is fighting alongside Masked Bagger after a large amount of bird-men attack the store.

Retail-Red: This is crazy, Bagger!

Masked Bagger: It’s like it’s the end of days or something!

The two heroes are punching and kicking, and Red is also using her laser “scan-gun” to defeat this flock of evil creatures. They finally get the last one and are exhausted.

Masked Bagger: Did we get ‘em all? Are we done?

Retail-Red: Looks like it. What’s going on here? There’s never been *that* many birds in the store at once.

Professor Tincher walks up.

Professor Tincher: I fear Bagger’s remark may be true. This might be the end of days. Not for the world, but for this store. Kroger Devil may be planning something so diabolical, none of us will survive it.

Masked Bagger: I guess now’s as good a time as any to give you my two-weeks notice.

CUT TO: The Kroger Devil is sitting down in deep thought.

Jasper the Snake: What are you doing, Master? Getting ready to destroy Masked Bagger’s store?

Kroger Devil: No. I’m saving that for February of 2016.

Jasper the Snake: So then what are you doing now?

Kroger Devil: I am summoning my subject back to store 717. Things will get very interesting when I infuse him with super powers.

Jasper the Snake: What subject is that, may I ask?

Kroger Devil: Adam Hauck from Earth level three.

Jasper the Snake: Going to take down the Masked Bagger?

Kroger Devil: Not everything is about taking down that Bagger. This is about freaking out the people of the store and giving revelations to his fiancé, Mindy, and if he’s able to take down the Bagger in the process, all the better.

Jasper the Snake: Maniacal laugh time?

Kroger Devil: Of course.

The Kroger Devil laughs maniacally.

CUT TO: Adam walks over to Bernie, who’s got a big cardboard cutout of himself next to a table and chair. Bernie’s having a book signing for the release of his autobiography in the promo aisle.

Adam Hauck: How’d you get your book published?

Bernie Boswell: My uncle owns a publishing company.

Adam Hauck: I thought he owned a recording studio.

Bernie Boswell: He does. He also owns a publishing company.

Adam Hauck: Hmm, I don’t know. That seems awfully convenient.

Bernie Boswell: So you’re saying it’s more believable that some *other* company really published my book?

Adam Hauck: So your uncle owns a publishing company, huh?

Bernie Boswell: That’s right.

Mindy walks over to Adam and Bernie.

Bernie Boswell: My book has it all: my childhood, an entire chapter dedicated to my very own religion, Boswellity, and I even mention the time I got to paint you in the nude, Mindy.

Mindy Dalton: Say what now?

Bernie Boswell: You remember.

Mindy Dalton: No, I don’t.

Adam Hauck: Doesn’t seem like something you’d forget.

Bernie Boswell: Of course, you must have repressed the memory.

Mindy Dalton: I must have.

Mindy and Adam walk away together.

Mindy Dalton: I never posed nude for that buffoon. It must have been my level two counterpart. This is so humiliating.

Adam Hauck: Things could always be worse. You could wake up one day, realize you’re thirty-three and still a virgin, and no matter what you do to impress the opposite sex, you will always be seen as just a friend to them… or someone deserving of being blocked on Facebook.

Mindy Dalton: You’re right. That would suck.

She walks off as Adam stays in place, depressed over his current situation.

CUT TO: The Kroger Devil’s layer. A homeless man approaches. It’s Adam III. However, he looks completely different than before. He has long hair, a beard, a beer belly and sloppy clothes.

Kroger Devil: Come to me.

Adam III: Yes, Master.

Kroger Devil: I have removed your mind. You’ve been traveling this world as a homeless man for almost two years. But worry no more about your identity. I shall restore your memory and infuse you with a does of evil, thus creating a new foe for Masked Bagger!

Adam III: Who am I?

Kroger Devil: You’re Adam Hauck. You come from a different Earth level. Your counterpart on this world is a superhero at a Kroger store. You will fight him.

CUT TO: The outside of Kroger 666, a horrifying scream is heard throughout the store even in the parking lot as Adam III is becoming a super villain.

CUT TO: Kroger 717. The birds are back. Adam is bagging an order for Mindy when he sees them and runs into the bagger’s closet. When he comes out, he’s Masked Bagger - precious hero of this troubled store!

Masked Bagger: (to the birds) I literally have no social life, so I can do this all day, feathered freaks!

A battle ensues as the guardian fights off the bird-men. One good punch will not only kill them, but their dead bodies vanish into thin air. Bagger’s taking out some of the birds but more continue to fly in. When Mindy’s done checking out a customer, she closes her lane and runs off - only to return as Retail-Red. She joins in the fight.

Meanwhile, outside, Kroger Devil’s newest creation - The Masked Beggar - walks up to the door. He pauses for a moment and then enters the store. While fighting the birds, Masked Bagger looks over and sees Beggar. He’s instantly confused and just stands there, staring at him.

Masked Bagger: Am I looking into a fun house mirror?

Retail-Red: Come on, Bagger. I need your help! What are you looking at?

She looks over and sees the other bagger. She joins our hero in standing there, staring. A very pregnant Katie walks into the store to begin her shift. She spots only Masked Beggar and realizes it’s been about a month since she’s seen the 717 Guardian last, due to her later hours in floral. Katie assumes Masked Bagger has really let himself go. She goes off to find a few other co-workers.

Masked Bagger: Okay, I’ll ask. What’s going on here? Who are you?

Masked Beggar: I am the Masked Beggar. I was sent here on a mission, and let me tell you…

The villain looks at Red. Their eyes lock. Chills run up and down both of their spines as they instantly recognize one another.

Masked Beggar: I don’t believe it. It’s you!

Retail-Red: I’ve waited so long to find you. Suddenly, here you are. I don’t know how to react to this.

Masked Bagger: I’m out of the loop on this one. If somebody wants to fill me in. I can probably help you react to it.

Masked Beggar: What’s with all these birds? They’re a distraction.

Masked Bagger: Tell me about it, but they won’t leave.

The evil Beggar whistles and the birds fly out of the store. Unlike our Adam, who’s scared of birds, this Adam loves the feathered creatures and has a way with them.

Masked Bagger: Oh good. You’re not a villain. For a moment I thought I was going to have to fight you. My laziness levels have really shot up and I wasn’t looking forward to a fight. So this is great. Are you my new sidekick, designed to make me look better by comparison?

Masked Beggar: Let’s get a few things straight. I *am* a villain. I was sent here to cause mayhem, and yes, we will be fighting. Also, okay, I’ve put on some weight due to all the beer I drink and I haven’t shaved in two years, but you don’t have to be a jerk about my appearance.

Masked Bagger: I’m sorry. Sometimes I try too hard to be funny and I go too far and I hurt feelings. I’d like to say it will never happen again, but I know me and it’s probably gonna happen again any minute now.

Masked Beggar: Let me prevent that!

The skuzzy looking baddie extends his arm and as if he were Spider-Man with webbing, shoots out a plastic bag, which wraps itself around Bagger’s face. Beggar then punches our hero in the face and he goes down. Retail-Red takes her scan-gun and - not wanting to hurt him too bad - shoots Beggar on his ankle.

Retail-Red: Get back!

Masked Beggar: What, are you and this buffoon an item?

Retail-Red: No, of course not!

Masked Bagger: I may have a bag over my head, but I can still hear, and your tone when answering that question really stings, Red!

Masked Beggar: If you want me to believe you, show me. Shoot him with that laser gun of yours, which by the way, I think I invented.

Retail-Red: There’s nothing romantic going on between us but I still care for him, and I won’t hurt him.

Masked Beggar: Do it, or I’ll kill him right now.

Masked Bagger: Gotta go!

Our hero gets up and runs off as fast as he can - with a bag over his head - and is unable to see anything. Red turns to Beggar.

Retail-Red: What happened to you? Where have you been for the past two years? I deserve answers!

He remains calm and unwilling to respond. So Red, without looking back, extends her arm and shoots a laser, striking Masked Bagger as he runs off.

Masked Beggar: I was running from the devil. You thought I was crazy but I wasn’t. You laughed at me when I told you. I’ll never forget that laughter. He was out to get me and he succeeded. Maybe if I had my woman by my side, we could have fought him off together, but instead you laughed at me and thought I was going berserk. I loved you with all my heart. Now I hate you just the same.

Retail-Red: Come on, Adam. It sounded so crazy. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.

Masked Beggar: You’re not sorry… yet.

He whips out an extra long cart strap, and quickly wraps it around Retail’s neck, throwing the other end over a bar up above. He pulls her up, choking her, and ties the end of the strap to a pole below. He walks off, leaving her to die, a slow death. She takes her scan-gun and shoots the strap, freeing herself. She takes a moment to catch her breath and think.

CUT TO: Masked Beggar is walking towards the dairy department. Katie, who has formed an intervention, goes up to him. Others in the intervention are Ben, Bernie and Hailie - all of whom believe this to be their beloved Masked Bagger, who’s become a boozer.

Katie Collins: Masked Bagger, Imma need you to get your stuff together. The store needs you in tip top shape… or as tip a top as you’ve ever been.

Ben Davis: Mr. Bagger. You have been an inspiration to me as well as the staff here at Kroger 717. It saddens me to see you in this condition. But I’m not gonna lie. This will make a great dramatic scene in the movie I’m writing about you. I might even win an Oscar. Now I just need you to shove a woman, and then realize by doing that, you’ve hit rock bottom, and begin your road to recovery.

Bernie Boswell: Looking at you, one thing comes to mind. You appear to be on the Boswell Diet. There’s a chapter about it in my book, which you can own for only $7.99.

Hailie Hauck: U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no alibi, Mask Bagger, you ugly. Yeah, yeah, you ugly.

Ben Davis: Perhaps we’re not the best at interventions, but we mean well… I suppose.

Katie Collins: Of course we mean well. I, for some reason just chose a bunch of idiots to help out with this.

Masked Beggar: What are you all talking about?

Bernie Boswell: Don’t act like you don’t know. Denial rears its ugly head and you don’t wear it well.

Ben Davis: Right, and that’s coming from Bernie.

Bernie Boswell: Yep. (he gets it) Hey!

Ben Davis: Sorry, buddy. Just trying to help the 717 Guardian.

Masked Beggar: I am no Guardian! I am out to kill Masked Bagger.

Bernie Boswell: You’re going to kill yourself? Listen up everybody! This intervention has officially turned into a suicide prevention group!

Masked Beggar: I’m not going to kill myself! I’m not Masked Bagger. I’m Masked *Beggar*!

Hailie Hauck: I get it. ‘cause he be a hobo. You know, a beggar?

Masked Beggar: Exactly!

Katie Collins: I’m pregnant and probably shouldn’t run away. Is there any chance you can run off instead?

Masked Beggar: To get out of this conversation - yes!

The villain runs off.

CUT TO: The basement lab. Professor Tincher, Adam Hauck and Mindy Dalton are down there.

Adam Hauck: I didn’t catch everything earlier, Mindy. So that’s your fiancé, Adam, from your home world?

Mindy Dalton: Yes.

Adam Hauck: And to think I was jealous of him. You went on about how much better looking he is and what great shape he’s in compared to me. If *that’s* considered better shape to you, than you must really think poorly of me.

Mindy Dalton: Adam, don’t be an idiot. He’s changed. He’s spent two years homeless. He told me a devil was out to get him, and I didn’t believe him. This is all my fault.

Professor Tincher: In no way is any of this your fault. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine.

Adam Hauck: How so, Professor?

Professor Tincher: If I hadn’t chosen you to be Masked Bagger, Kroger Devil wouldn’t have targeted Mindy’s Adam. I guess he figured the only person who can defeat you is you. Up until now, I wasn’t sure if he knew your true identity, and it turns out he does. I wonder how.

Adam Hauck: Maybe Meat-Man or Mad Sacker told him, or maybe he’s like Rita Repulsa, looking down at the Power Rangers, able to see everything that’s going on.

The three of them get nervous and start looking around.

Mindy Dalton: What are we doing? If he *is* watching us, we can’t see him.

Professor Tincher: We call him the Kroger Devil for a reason. Sometimes we forget what that means. He’s no mere super villain. He is evil personified. Who knows what knowledge he may possess?

Adam Hauck: If he knows me, why hasn’t he gone after Katie? I spent a year in love with her, and the Devil didn’t try to turn her evil.

Professor Tincher: Maybe he plans to one day.

Adam Hauck: Okay, I am officially scared.

Mindy Dalton: That makes two of us.

Professor Tincher: And Tincher makes three.

CUT TO: Bernie is sitting by his book display, planning to sign autographs, however, no one is buying. Katie walks over to him.

Katie Collins: Well this is a disaster.

Bernie Boswell: Not at all. I get it. I’m not famous. This will be a book that takes some time before the public embraces it. Heck, I’m already planning to write another one. It will be a fictional romance novel, featuring yours truly.

Katie Collins: What kind of weirdo writes fictional stories about themselves?

Bernie Boswell: Never mind. Now I’m brainstorming ideas for a title. Here goes: #1. “Laverne & Shirley… and Bernie - a Threesome!”, #2. “Bernie and the Broad”, #3. “This is Sex - For Lack of a Better Word”, #4. “Hello, I’m Bernie… Do You Have a Low Self-Esteem? Come Over to My Place!” and #5. “Now That I Have You, My Lotion Buying Days Are Over!”

Katie Collins: Don’t be offended but Imma do my best to make sure my future child never meets you or even knows you.

Bernie Boswell: Kinda hard not to take offense to that, but I’ll try.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger and Retail-Red march to the deli department in pursuit of Masked Beggar. Suddenly, he appears.

Masked Beggar: My, my, Mindy. You’re alive.

Retail-Red: It’s going to take more than hanging me by the neck to end *my* life.

Masked Beggar: Good to know. I blame myself anyways. I should have known better than to walk away and assume you’d die. I don’t know, maybe part of me wanted you to live, so that we can get back what we used to have.

Retail-Red: I want that, too. Fight your evil urges, Adam.

Masked Beggar: Easier said than done.

Retail-Red: Remember my nineteenth birthday?

Masked Beggar: Of course.

Retail-Red: It was late and I decided to stay the night at your place. You held me in your arms. You leaned in, kissed me, and told me that you loved me. Then we went back to your bedroom and…

Masked Bagger: I’m feeling awkward. Should I not be here? This is getting kind of personal.

Masked Beggar: You’ll be gone soon enough, Guardian!

Bagger’s opposite takes out a beer bottle and throws it at our hero, but he ducks and it crashes on the floor. Masked Bagger quickly takes out his bag-gun and aims it at the bad guy. Beggar takes out his own, and they both shoot at the same time. The bags catch on each other and cancel the other one out. The magnificent man in a mask ejects his cart strap and he goes in for a landing. Beggar takes his own strap, twirls it, and they both strike, but the straps get tangled together.

Masked Bagger: We’re basically the same person! Every move I make, you make the same move.

Masked Beggar: Very astute.

A customer walks by and notices the three of them. They also notice that one of the two men is homeless. So she takes a dollar bill out of her purse and hands it to Beggar.

Masked Beggar: Thanks, ma’am.

Woman Customer: Just doing my part to help humanity.

She walks off feeling good about herself. Suddenly, the birds return to the store. Retail-Red goes off to battle them, leaving the two baggers alone.

Masked Bagger: Can we get back to the fight? I need to be home in an hour. There’s this really cute girl that always jogs by my house, and I want to be outside, shirtless, washing my car when she does.

Masked Beggar: Let’s fight!

He jumps on Bagger and they roll around on the floor, fighting. Masked Beggar takes another cart strap and wraps it around Bagger’s neck and tightens it. As our hero is dying, he hears “Georgia on my Mind” by Ray Charles on the radio and has a flashback…

(Ray Charles singing "Georgia on my Mind") https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZceOIAh1i0

FADE TO: - 1997 - Adam is sixteen years-old and watching a rerun of the great series “Quantum Leap,” in which “Georgia in my Mind” is playing during the final scene of the last episode. Adam gets a little emotional as he thinks to himself that he one day wants to do good just like Sam Beckett, and save people in trouble, and BOY does his throat hurt!

Suddenly, he’s back to being Masked Bagger, who’s being choked to death. He reaches inside his holster and grabs for his bag-gun, but confused, gets his spray bottle instead. This doesn’t phase him and Masked Bagger sprays Masked Beggar in the eyes. The villain lets go, and our hero removes the strap from around his neck, then turns the tables on him and wraps the strap around the neck of his nemesis. NOT intending to kill him, just trying to be even. As the baddie is struggling to stay alive, the same song connects to him as well and he begins to flashback.

FADE TO: - 1997 - Adam III has the same episode of “Quantum Leap” on the TV. However, instead of paying complete attention to it, he’s working on a device to open up doorways to other worlds. Mindy, his high school sweetheart, enters the room, proud of her boyfriend’s genius.

Teenage Mindy: How’s your invention coming along, sweetie?

Teenage Adam III: Spectacular. I should be sliding from world to world any day now.

Teenage Mindy: In that case, you’ve got the wrong show on.

She switches the channel to the TV series “Sliders.”

Teenage Adam III: Ah, yes. The show that gave me the idea to invent inter-dimensional travel. I just wish it wasn’t so poorly written.

Teenage Mindy: Some guys watch TV just for entertainment. Not *my* guy. He uses television to better improve not only his life, but humanity in general.

Teenage Adam III: I guess I’m one of a kind… and BOY does my throat hurt!

We’re back to the two Masked characters on the floor. The 717 Guardian lets go of the strap and quickly shoots Masked Beggar with the bag-gun. It’s over! Retail-Red returns from fighting off the birds and sees her fiancé has been bagged.

Masked Bagger: Suddenly, I’m in the mood to watch “Quantum leap.”

Retail-Red: Good show. I think I’d rather watch “Sliders” right now.

Masked Bagger: I’ve got it on DVD. Wanna come over to my house and watch a couple episodes? It could be our first date.

Retail-Red: I’m not looking for a relationship right now.

Masked Bagger: Classic Mindy.

CUT TO: The Professor has entered the lab from incarcerating Beggar. He spots Adam sitting there in deep thought.

Professor Tincher: Hey Adam. What are you thinking about?

Adam Hauck: I was just thinking if I grew a beard and my hair longer and I pretend to be a reformed Masked Beggar, maybe Mindy would fall for it, and make sweet love to me.

Professor Tincher: Doubtful.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, that makes sense.

Professor Tincher: Besides, is that really the way you want to get her, by deceit?

Adam Hauck: No, but I’m out of options here.

Mindy walks over to Adam.

Mindy Dalton: Adam, can we talk?

Adam Hauck: Of course.

Professor Tincher: I’ll leave you two alone.

He walks away.

Adam Hauck: What’s up?

Mindy Dalton: Since *other* Adam is here in the basement jail, I can’t go back to my home world. I mean, I *can* but I won’t.

Adam Hauck: This store would miss you if you left, anyway.

Mindy Dalton: But I *am* leaving.

Adam Hauck: What?

Mindy Dalton: I don’t want to be a cashier forever. I’m sticking with Kroger, but I need to move up in the company. So I’m going into management training.

Adam Hauck: You’re going to be a manager?

Mindy Dalton: Yes. Now that I know where my Adam is, I can focus on having a life here on Earth level two.

Adam Hauck: What about Retail-Red?

Mindy Dalton: She’s not needed. This store has Masked Bagger.

Adam Hauck: What can I say? I’m gonna miss you.

Mindy Dalton: I’m going to miss you, too. This has been an amazing year. I actually got to be a superhero. How awesome is that?

Adam Hauck: Pretty awesome. I ought to know. I’ve been one for two years. There’s nothing like it. I’m sorry that by my being Masked Bagger meant you had to lose your Adam to Kroger Devil, but I’m not sorry I came here.

Mindy Dalton: Nor should you be. You do a great job defending the store. You’ve saved my butt many times.

She pauses.

Mindy Dalton: Well once that I can remember.

Adam Hauck: You didn’t need saving most of the time. You’re pretty bad-ass. I fell into this gig. You were made for it.

She smiles.

Mindy Dalton: Well, this is it. I’m leaving now.

Adam Hauck: Can you do me a favor?

Mindy Dalton: What’s that?

Adam Hauck: Can you promise not to forget about me?

Mindy Dalton: I could never forget you, Adam.

Adam Hauck: Thanks… and… goodbye.

Mindy Dalton: Goodbye.

They hug, then she walks off. Professor Tincher returns.

Professor Tincher: She told you, huh?

Adam Hauck: You knew?

Professor Tincher: Of course. She told me a little bit ago. I’m the manager, after all.

Adam Hauck: This sucks. Mindy is leaving the store. Katie still finds me repulsive. I’m in a loveless marriage with Hailie. I just don’t know anymore.

Professor Tincher: Adam, think positive. It’s been a great year for the Masked Bagger - magnificent - one might say. I’m really looking forward to seeing what happens next in your career.

Adam Hauck: I never want to hear the word "magnificent" again. And as for what's gonna happen next... I'm sure I'm going to have plenty of adventures.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

Read "Masked Bagger Adventures" Coming Soon!