THIS THREAD IS CURRENTLY UNDER CONSTRUCTION!!!

This is going to be a different kind of fan fiction. It's fan fiction of the grocery store Kroger. These are original stories I wrote between the years 2013 and 2017. I had just intended to share them with friends and co-workers, but decided to put them online as well. I didn't know where, so I decided on Sitcoms Online.

I've written 40 issues and plan to post them all. But I have to basically re-write each issue to fit into the structure of Sitcoms Online.

Excuse any typos, as I typed this in a hurry.

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ISSUE #1. Transfer to 717

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck (31 years-old)
Professor Tincher (45 years-old)
Katie Collins (21 years-old)
Mickey Tork (20 years-old)

Guest Starring:
Vince Beckett (47 years-old)
Evil Race of Bird-Men

The Story Begins…

The Masked Bagger is sitting in a gigantic bird’s nest, high up in the sky, above Kroger 717. He looks defeated. He takes out his camcorder and pushes record.

Masked Bagger: I’m the Masked Bagger. Although, I guess by the time you’re watching this video, I *was* the Masked Bagger. I don’t see any way out of this situation. I imagine I’ll die up here, but I don’t want to die without telling my story; the story of how I became a superhero. To start off… I’m not from this Earth. It’s been explained to me that there are five different levels of Earth. I merely come from one of them. Incidentally, it’s the boring one. You see, it all started when I was outside my Kroger store, sweeping the sidewalk. Suddenly, there was a loud crash. I looked over and noticed a briefcase that wasn’t there before. I opened it up to find a DVD inside.

CUT TO: Adam Hauck is inside his house. He puts the DVD into the player and sits down. Professor Tincher appears on the screen.

Professor Tincher: Adam Hauck, if you’re watching this… we need your help. I’m Professor Tincher and I work for Kroger store 717. It’s um, on a different Earth, so your travel arrangements will be quite unique.

The upcoming dialogue is narrated over scenes of Adam watching the video, packing his things for the move, and hugging his family and friends goodbye. He ends up at Kroger, in the manager’s office, and then vanishes.

Masked Bagger Narration: Professor Tincher seemed very convincing. He explained to me that I would be a superhero on this other Earth. I was skeptical at first, of course, as any normal human being would be. But, you know, it would be an adventure, and I was longing for adventure in my life. Besides, the supernatural evil has already found its way to four of the five different Earth levels. So, by my coming here to fight, I would be protecting my Earth from the dangers that come with it. Anyway, back to the story. I returned to my Kroger store – as instructed – to be transported to this Earth level.

CUT TO: Kroger 717 – the Manager’s Office. Professor Tincher is standing in the room, looking straight ahead… at nothing. Suddenly, Adam Hauck appears out of thin air. The two men look at one another.

Professor Tincher: Adam Hauck, I presume.

Adam Hauck: Professor Tincher, hello.

They shake hands.

Professor Tincher: We have a lot of work to do, so let’s go downstairs to the basement of Kroger.

They both exit the office.

CUT TO: The basement of Kroger 717. The Professor and his eager student walk down the steps and end up at a laboratory.

Adam Hauck: I like it. So, this is like my Bat-Cave?

Professor Tincher: Yes, very much so. This is where I spend the majority of my time. Heck, I reside here. When the employees think I’ve gone home for the night, I actually come down here.

Adam Hauck: I don’t live down here too, do I?

Professor Tincher: No, no. I own a house across the street. You’ll live there, rent free.

Adam Hauck: Cool. Thanks.

Professor Tincher: It’s nothing.

Adam Hauck: So, in the video, you said I’ll be a superhero. How’s that gonna work? What powers am I going to have?

Professor Tincher: Super strength.

Adam Hauck: Awesome! Because I’ve always been kind of a weakling.

Professor Tincher: Coming from the level of Earth you do, you have 17% more strength than the average person in this world. Hence, the super strength.

Adam Hauck: Wait, that’s it?

Professor Tincher: Yep. Don’t Worry. I’ll train you on how to fight and you’ll be equipped with certain gizmos and gadgets to battle the bad guys.

Adam Hauck: Did I come all this way just to be Kroger security?

Professor Tincher: Adam, listen to me. This is the hot spot of evil for this world. That’s why we have this store, to contain it. The customers are the bait that keeps the evil here.

Adam Hauck: I’m sure they’d love to know *that*.

Professor Tincher: That’s why we’re in business. To keep the evil inside this building so it won’t escape and spread like wildfire, consuming this world. There are a couple of super villains I’ve apprehended and imprisoned down here already, but I just barely survived both times. That’s when I knew I had to contact someone from your Earth level to be our guardian. The customers are just so sick and tired of dying while shopping here.

Adam Hauck: Then why do they shop here?

Professor Tincher: We have some really great sales.

CUT TO: Moments later. The Professor is standing by, waiting for Adam. Adam comes back into the room dressed in full Masked Bagger attire.

Adam Hauck: This is it? Just this little mask over my eyes?

Professor Tincher: That’s it. Pretty cool, huh?

Adam Hauck: My name is the Masked Bagger. I only bag as Adam, so the Masked Bagger isn’t even a bagger, and this is a dinky mask. If it’s in the name, shouldn’t the mask be more prominent?

Professor Tincher: Adam, please. You don’t want some big mask that’ll get you all sweaty. It’s much better this way.

Adam Hauck: But won’t everyone know it’s me?

Professor Tincher: You know how in comic books on your world, no one ever knows that Batman is Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker is Spider-Man, Dick Grayson is Robin, and most of all, no one knows that Clark Kent is Superman? All he does is take off his glasses! People are quite clueless in the comics.

Adam Hauck: Sure, but those are comic books – stories of fiction.

Professor Tincher: The people of this world have the same mentality as the people in comic books on your world. Trust me. No one will know you’re the Masked Bagger unless you tell them.

Adam Hauck: So, people in this world are all some percentage dumber than the people of my world?

Professor Tincher: In certain aspects, yes. You and I are quite possibly the smartest people here.

Adam Hauck: Well, see, now that’s just scary.

CUT TO: The front-end of the store. Professor Tincher – known to the employees as “Mr. Tincher”, the store manager – introduces Adam (who is now wearing his regular Kroger clothes) to the two baggers: Mickey Tork and Katie Collins.

Professor Tincher: Mickey, Katie, this is our newest bagger, Adam Hauck. Mickey, I’d like you to train him.

Mickey Tork: Sure thing, Mr. Tincher.

Tincher leaves.

Mickey Tork: So, Adam, how old are you?

Adam Hauck: I’m 31.

Katie Collins: And you’re a bagger? Shouldn’t you be a cashier or work in another department… something? I mean DANG! You’re old for a bagger!

Adam Hauck: No. I’m content with this.

Adam notices how stunning Katie is. He’s instantly fallen for her, which explains why he has trouble looking in her direction, and why he mainly focuses on Mickey. He’s shy.

Adam Hauck: So, are you ready to train me?

Mickey Tork: Yes, but don’t get pushy. I was about to take my break, so I think I’ll do that first. Just stay by Katie’s side, and she’ll show you the ropes until I get back in twenty.

Adam Hauck: Aren’t breaks *fifteen* minutes?

He smiles at Katie as if by saying that, he’s impressing her. She’s not.

Mickey Tork: Are you a spy?

Adam Hauck: Huh?

Mickey Tork: Did Mr. Tincher hire you to spy on the baggers?

Adam Hauck: No.

Mickey Tork: Okay. Good. Then like I say, I’ll be back in twenty.

Mickey walks away. Adam turns to Katie. She smiles at him. It’s just a friendly smile, but it melts his heart.

Katie Collins: So, Imma ‘bout to go outside and do carts. You can come with.

Adam Hauck: Oh, okay.

Adam stands there, smiling at her nervously. She’s weirded out by it.

Katie Collins: Imma need you to stop smiling like a jackass and get yo butt outside.

Adam Hauck: You talk like you’re from the streets. That’s so cute.

Katie Collins: You’re a weirdo.

CUT TO: Mickey is walking Adam around the store.

Mickey Tork: Listen, I’m sorry if I was kind of rude before. I just get grouchy when I’m hungry and my break was already so late.

Adam Hauck: It’s okay. So, Mickey, what do you think about Katie Collins?

Mickey Tork: I love her. She’s a buddy of mine.

Adam Hauck: Just a “buddy”?

Mickey Tork: Yep. That’s all. I guess the real question is… what do *you*
think about Katie Collins?

Adam Hauck: She’s cute, and seems to be really nice. Does she have a boyfriend?

Mickey Tork: Not at the moment, but I think there’s a guy she’s talking to.

Adam Hauck: Oh, well, I guess I should wait and see if I’m gonna stay here before I start to pursue her.

Mickey Tork: Why wouldn’t you stay here at the store?

Adam Hauck: “The store”? Yeah, that’s what I mean. Stay here… at the store.

Mickey Tork: Dude, are you suicidal?

Adam Hauck: Uh, no. I thought I was, but then I kept *not* killing myself, so I don’t think I could be considered suicidal.

Mickey Tork: Then what are you talking about?

Adam Hauck: Nothing. Now on with the training.

Mickey Tork: Okay, but if I spend today training you and then you just up and kill yourself tomorrow, I’m gonna be ticked. Day wasted.

Adam Hauck: Gotcha. I won’t kill myself… just for you.

Mickey Tork: Thank you. Now on with the training.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher is in his lab. Suddenly, an alarm goes off.

Professor Tincher: Uh-oh. The birds are loose!

CUT TO: Adam and Mickey in the produce department doing a price check. Vince Beckett is standing by the pineapples.

Mickey Tork: Watch out for this guy, Adam. His name is Vince Beckett. He’s the produce head. He’s a tool.

The two baggers approach Beckett.

Mickey Tork: Hey Vince, how much are the pineapples?

Vince Beckett: Who wants to know?

Mickey Tork: A customer. She claims they’re buy one get one free, but they don’t ring up that way.

Vince Beckett: Then, Mr. Tork, the customer is wrong. If you don’t believe that, then you’re saying I don’t know how to do my job and put the correct price into the computer. I know you wouldn’t dare say that, would you?

Mickey Tork: Um, no?

Vince Beckett: Very good.

Vince looks at Adam.

Vince Beckett: Hello, I’m Vince Beckett.

Adam Hauck: Adam Hauck. I’m new.

Vince Beckett: Seeing as I’ve been here seventeen years, and this is the first I’ve seen of you, I assumed you were new. You just wasted your voice by telling me that.

Adam Hauck: (loudly) Wow, you’re right, Mickey. This guy IS a tool!

Mickey Tork: (nervous) Adam!

Vince Beckett: (angry) Why you little…

Suddenly – and interrupting Vince – gasps and screams from throughout the store are heard in produce. Adam turns around and sees panicky people. He runs over to the bagger’s closet, where his Masked Bagger outfit is, and changes into the identity of the superhero where he’s about to go to action for the first time! People in the store look at the masked figure as he stands in front of the bagger’s closet. They’re amazed, even though they don’t know who he is.

Masked Bagger: Don’t panic, people of the store. I am the Masked Bagger, Guardian of Kroger 717! I’ll protect you!

Suddenly, a giant bird-man flies over to the Masked Bagger and lands in front of him. Adam has a massive fear of birds, so seeing one as big as himself is naturally terrifying to him.

Masked Bagger: Gotta go!

Masked Bagger runs away as fast as he can, headed for the basement. Not exactly the debut he wanted, but once again, Adam lets fear control his actions.

CUT TO: The basement. Professor Tincher is down there, watching the store on a monitor. He’s expecting Adam. Adam – still in his Masked Bagger outfit – arrives.

Masked Bagger: You didn’t say anything about giant birds!

Professor Tincher: Bird phobia, eh?

Masked Bagger: Yes. Big time.

Professor Tincher: Face your fears. You have a job to do.

Masked Bagger: I can’t fight giant birds.

Professor Tincher: They are actually very easy to defeat. Just one punch and they’re dead.

Masked Bagger: That’s it? One punch?

Professor Tincher: Yes. They’re more of a nuisance than a threat. They have a giant nest up above the store. So, every now and then, they make their way inside and scare the customers.

Masked Bagger: So, I punch them and suddenly there’s a bunch of dead bird bodies all over the place. That thought creeps me out, too.

Professor Tincher: No. Once they die, they vanish. It’s just that most people are so frightened of them, they don’t think to punch the birds. It’s not like we can have a sign on the door telling people to just punch the giant bird-men attacking them. Plus, PETA is highly against even this conversation.

Masked Bagger: Tell me more about supernatural evil.

Professor Tincher: Supernatural evil comes in the form of “freak accidents” that turn regular people into super villains. There’s this legend of a Kroger Devil that causes these accidents. Now, I don’t know the complete origin of these birds, but they are all part of Its evil plan. So, what do you say? Get back to work?

Masked Bagger: I quit. You can send me home, right?

Professor Tincher: I can, if that’s what you really want.

Masked Bagger: I can’t do this. I’m too scared. You don’t know this but I have a lot of fears. Plus, I’m lazy. I have no motivation for anything. That’s always been the case. I was hoping it would be different with this, but I just don’t have the motivation I thought I would.

Professor Tincher: I’ll bet if your “Uncle Ben” was murdered, you’d find the motivation to fight crime.

Masked Bagger: Hey, don’t use my love of superhero origin stories to get me to stay!

Professor Tincher: Come on, Adam. The store needs you.

Masked Bagger: The store needs something a whole lot bigger than me.

They both pause for a moment.

Masked Bagger: I’m sorry. I’m just used to setting up jokes where someone hits me with a punchline like “There IS nothing bigger than you, fatty!” I’m outta here.

Adam begins to walk away.

Professor Tincher: If you walk, there is zero hope for this store. There is zero hope for Katie Collins!

Adam stops and turns around. He walks back to the Professor.

Professor Tincher: Yeah, I know you have a crush on her.

Masked Bagger: What can I do? I’m just a coward from another world.

Professor Tincher: If that’s all you were, you wouldn’t be here in the first place. You were chosen for this store for a reason.

Masked Bagger: And what’s the reason?

Professor Tincher: Um, well, the reason is to show how any random person can be a superhero with the proper training. I had a list of all the Kroger employees on your world, closed my eyes and pointed to a name. I picked you.

Masked Bagger: (sarcastically) Well, I’m certainly flattered.

Professor Tincher: You should be.

Masked Bagger: (sighs) I guess I have to try harder before I give up… this time. I always give up too easily. That’s why I never did anything with my life. My childhood dream was to be a superhero, and here I am talking about walking away from it. If I give up on this, there’s no hope for me at all.

Professor Tincher: (jokingly) Good. Make this all about *you*. Selfish.

Masked Bagger: Right, well, anyways, I’m back in. Let’s do this. Some men fight their inner demons. I fight… giant bird-men. Somehow, I prefer the inner demons.

Professor Tincher: Alright. “The Masked Bagger” … take two!

CUT TO: The Masked Bagger is walking from the manager’s office – where the basement lab is underneath – headed for the front-end of the store. There are plenty of the bird-men walking around the store. Some are even flying. The Masked Bagger approaches a bird-man.

Masked Bagger: Let’s see if the Professor was right. Please be right.

Masked Bagger punches the evil bird-man in the face. It falls to the floor, and a couple seconds later, vanishes.

Masked Bagger: (he smiles) Son of a bleep. It works.

As the Masked Bagger makes his way to the front end, he punches a few more bird-men, killing them. One bird-man flies over him. As it does so, Masked Bagger jumps up and grabs both wings with each hand, then swings his arms down in front of him, causing the bird-man to hit the floor – head first. A couple seconds pass and it vanishes. Remember, these are not normal, everyday birds. These are evil creatures, so please don’t feel sorry for them. Anyway, the Masked Bagger makes it to the front-end of the store and sees six bird-men surrounding Katie. She looks terrified. Masked Bagger approaches. He notices two 2-liters of Big K pop on a register, and gets an idea. He grabs both of the 2-liters.

Masked Bagger: Hey feathered freaks! Why don’t you peck on me? (he smiles) Get it? It’s like “pick on me” but because you’re birds, I changed it to “peck on me”. I’m funny!

No one laughs.

Masked Bagger: Okay, note to self… I won’t be a superhero that makes witty remarks.

All six bird-men walk over to Masked Bagger. They surround him; two in front of him, facing him; two behind him, and one bird-man on each side. Masked Bagger throws the pop bottle from his left hand up in the air, followed quickly by the one in his right. As he aims to punch the two bird-men in front of him, his elbows bash into the two bird-men behind him, causing them to fall over and vanish. His fists move forward at a fast pace as he punches the two in front of him. They also fall back and perish. Masked Bagger grabs the bird-man on his left by its shirt, and pulls it close by, where the Big K pop bottle lands on its head, killing it. He then grabs the last bird-man – on his right – and pulls him closer, where the other pop bottle falls and hits it on the head as well, causing its death. All six evil creatures have perished. Katie walks over to the superhero.

Masked Bagger: You’re safe now, Katie.

Katie Collins: How do you know my name? Who are you?

The Masked Bagger looks down for her nametag, so he can say “Your nametag says ‘Katie’.” However, she’s not wearing one.

Masked Bagger: Uh, I…

Just then, one of the giant birds swoops down and grabs Masked Bagger, flying away with him. The bird-man flies outside of the building and drops Masked Bagger in a giant bird nest, high above the Kroger store.

Bird-Man #1: Stay here. When I return with my posse, we will KILL you!

The bird-man flies away.

Masked Bagger: These birds can talk!?! It just got real all up in here!

CUT TO: Back to the Masked Bagger making his farewell video.

Masked Bagger: And here I am – just waiting to die. It’s funny how I can save others but not myself. It’s also funny how easily I give up. People of Kroger 717 need me and here I am sitting in a bird’s nest, defeated and feeling sorry for myself.

Masked Bagger looks down. It’s a long way down.

Masked Bagger: Either I die up here when the birds come back or I try to get down there and maybe I survive to protect the people of 717 from the evil that is sure to be headed their way. It’s a no-brainer. That’s got a double meaning too, because if I fall, my brain will be lying next to what’s left of my body, and so, I’ll have no brain. Hence the term “no-brainer”. Yep. Now, I’m just stalling. Enough splattered-brain talk. Time to save the day!

Masked Bagger pushes the stop button on his camcorder and puts it in his pocket. He takes his orange cart strap and hooks it to a secure part of the nest. He takes a deep breath and then jumps off, holding onto the strap (obviously). He swings down to underneath the nest and grabs onto the pole, which the nest is sitting on. Masked Bagger yanks on the cart strap and it lets go. He wraps it back around himself and slides down the pole. It’s a long way down but it’s the only option he has at the moment. After a couple minutes of sliding, the Masked Bagger finally makes it to the ground. The pole is right behind the Kroger building. So, Masked Bagger runs around to the front of the outside of the store. There are bird-men out there, walking around and terrorizing people. The Masked Bagger gets his cart strap and swings it in the air a few times before aiming at a bird-man and landing a blow with it, causing it to fall over dead. Masked Bagger does that to a couple more bird-men, swinging the cart strap around and hitting them with it. He puts it away and, as if possessed by a Power Ranger, he punches and kicks these bird freaks on his way back into the store. There are still plenty of bird-men inside. The Masked Bagger decides to return to the basement. Not because he’s scared, but rather to see if the Professor has a plan.

CUT TO: The Masked Bagger enters the basement. Professor Tincher sees him.

Professor Tincher: Adam! You’re alive!

Masked Bagger: Don’t sound so surprised, Prof.

Professor Tincher: I’m sorry. I’m just happy.

Masked Bagger: So, do you have any ideas? I’ve taken a bunch of these bird freaks out, but there’s still a lot more.

Professor Tincher: I have an idea. It’s time I introduce you to the Bagger-Mobile. It’s a cleaning cart that I’ve turned into a vehicle.

Masked Bagger: And this job just gets cooler as it goes along.

CUT TO: Katie is still on the front-end. She looks over, towards the manager’s office, and sees Masked Bagger, driving the Bagger-Mobile, headed in her direction.

Katie Collins: Look everyone! It’s the Masked Bagger! He’s coming back! And he be drivin’!

Suddenly, an applause fills the store as all the people clap at the return of their protector. The Bagger-Mobile continues to drive, until the masked hero stops by one of the birds, who is taunting a female customer.

Masked Bagger: Yippee-Ki-Yay, Mother-Feather!

Masked Bagger pushes a button and a giant Kroger bag is ejected from the vehicle. It covers the bird-man as if it was a large body bag – from head to claw. The hero then pulls a lever and a large toilet paper roll shoots out at such a fast speed that when it hits the bagged bird-man, it kills it. The bag drops to the floor. It’s occupant – dead and vanished. Masked Bagger continues driving. He drives around the whole store, ridding the building of these evil bird-men. In one case, a bird-man is flying by, and Masked Bagger ejects another large Kroger bag, capturing it in mid-air. This time, the bag stays attached to the vehicle and at our hero’s command, it starts to spin around. After a few speeding twirls, the bag separates from the Bagger-Mobile, sending the bird at a high speed into a wall, killing it on impact. The Masked Bagger gets to the bakery and looks down through the meat department, all the way to dairy. Bird-men are lined up, angry and waiting to take on the masked hero.

Masked Bagger: This better work.

Masked Bagger begins to speed towards the bird-men. He pushes a button in the vehicle, and a big metal shield covers the front of the Bagger-Mobile. He plows into these creatures, causing them to bounce off the metal shield and die. Masked Bagger has made it to the dairy and spins the vehicle around. He looks ahead at where all those bird-men were, to find that some are still alive. They avoided certain death somehow. The shield goes back down, and Masked Bagger steps on the gas, headed in their direction. This time, he speeds by them, shooting out enough Kroger bags to capture each of them. They can’t fly inside the bags, so they just lay on the floor, wriggling around. Masked Bagger stops his vehicle at the bakery department and gets out. He walks towards the evil bagged creatures and kicks each of them, instantly killing them. Once he’s finished, the Masked Bagger walks back to the Bagger-Mobile and drives off, looking for more. Once he gets to the front-end, he realizes that they’re all gone. At least for now. He gets out of the car to a crowd, who again, applaud their hero.

Masked Bagger: Thank you. Seriously, thanks everyone. Strange, evil things will occur in this store, like they have for a while now. But don’t worry. I’m here to protect you all. To the customers: continue to shop here. We have great prices and I never get a day off, so I’ll always be here for you. To the employees: Keep up the great work. Together, we can make this one of the best grocery stores out there. If any of you ever need me, well, I’ll be around. And please only contact me with the intercom in case of emergency.

He gets back into his vehicle and speeds off, headed for a secret entrance in the photo lab. A couple minutes later, Mickey walks over and spots Katie. He runs up to her.

Mickey Tork: Katie!

Katie Collins: Mickey!

They hug. Adam – in his regular Kroger clothes – walks over and sees the two baggers embraced. He’s jealous that Mickey gets to hug Katie and decides to go for one himself.

Adam Hauck: Katie!

Adam hugs her, but she doesn’t hug back. Her arms are down at her sides.

Katie Collins: Where have you been, Adam? Once the store turned to chaos, I didn’t see you.

Adam Hauck: I, uh, hid in the photo lab. I was scared.

Katie Collins: I figured you for a coward. Looks like I’m right.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, well, it’s been a heck of a first day.

Katie Collins: Yeah, Puddin’. I guess it has been.

Adam smiles at Katie for calling him “Puddin’” but he figures it doesn’t mean anything.

Adam Hauck: Let’s get back to bagging. Surprising as it is, after such an event, there are already customers in line to pay for their groceries.

Mickey Tork: Ha-ha, yeah. Some have been there the whole time.

Adam Hauck: Kroger customers are the most fearless people out there. Their lives are in danger, but that won’t stop them from buying the cereal they came in for.

Katie Collins: Or the pack of cigarettes.

Mickey Tork: They’ve gotta have their Tastykakes, too.

Adam, Katie and Mickey all look at each other and start to laugh. Then the three baggers each go to a different register and bag for the customers.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher and Adam Hauck are in the basement lab.

Professor Tincher: You did it, Adam. How does it feel?

Adam Hauck: It feels great. I didn’t give up this time and I actually made a difference. I helped people. My fear of birds hasn’t gone away. In fact, it’s bigger than it was before, but at least I know I’m capable of fighting them when I need to. I think I’ll do fine in my new job.

Professor Tincher: It’s gonna be a long battle to rid this store of evil villains, but there’s no one else I’d rather have wearing that mask than you. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Adam Hauck: Yep. The only downside to all of this is that when I’m not fighting crime, I have to actually bag.

Professor Tincher: Oh hush, and enjoy your first victory as… the Masked Bagger!

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!!

ISSUE #2. The Pineapple-Man Cometh

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Mickey Tork

Guest Starring:
Pineapple-Man alias Vince Beckett

Our Story Continues…

It’s a rainy Monday morning. Adam and Katie are at the registers, bagging. Mickey walks up to them.

Mickey Tork: Well, I’m Employee of the Month again. It’s pretty exciting.

Katie Collins: Congrats.

Adam Hauck: That’s great, Mick. Although, you’d kind of think Masked Bagger would be Employee of the Month. I mean, he did save the store from those insanely giant birds.

Mickey Tork: Yeah. Yeah, he did. However, we’ve had those birds in the store before. They are a problem, yes, but they would have left on their own eventually.

Adam Hauck: I don’t know. From what I saw…

Katie interrupts.

Katie Collins: You didn’t see anything. You were in the photo lab, hiding like a little baby.

Adam Hauck: (sarcastically) Yeah, that’s exactly what babies do. They hide. You got me. I’m a big baby!

Mickey Tork: Look, Masked Bagger is a great addition to the store, but I’ve been here three years. He’s been here half a month. It’ll be his turn one day.

Adam Hauck: Maybe *I’ll* even have a turn to be Employee of the Month.

Katie and Mickey both snicker.

Katie Collins: Pretty sure you have to do some actual work to get that. You’re always wandering around the store when you should be up here bagging.

Adam Hauck: I have important business elsewhere.

Mickey Tork: Like cleaning the photo lab, so in case of another bird attack, you’ll already be in your hiding place?

Mickey and Katie both laugh. Adam wants to speak up about where he goes, but that’s Masked Bagger-related, and he has to keep it a secret.

CUT TO: Vince Beckett is outside, about to throw away fruit remains into the compost. He’s angry and talking to himself.

Vince Beckett: How dare Tincher force me to work today? I am Vince Beckett, and I had plans. He has no right to make me work. Something needs to be done about that maroon.

Vince sees a ladder standing in front of the compost and steps up on it. He lifts the lid and looks down, noticing the fruit and vegetable remains are starting to boil. Vince is fascinated and a little frightened. Within a few seconds, they all melt into liquid form.

Vince Beckett: Hmm, that’s peculiar.

Ignoring the strange happenings, Vince reaches down and picks up the trash can with the leftover fruit and veggies, dumps them and watches them melt. A weird feeling comes over Vince. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning strikes the ladder, causing Vince to fall forward – right into the compost. He makes a splash, stays under for only a few seconds, burns, and quickly crawls out. He drops to the ground and lies there in agony. His flesh is starting to mutate.

Vince Beckett: (quietly) Help… me.

CUT TO: Later in the day. Adam is depressed and bagging for a customer.

Customer #1: I have my own bags.

Adam Hauck: I wasn’t going to say it, but you DO… right under your eyes.

CUT TO: Adam is bagging for a different customer. He’s almost finished bagging the order in plastic bags. The customer looks down at him and says…

Customer #2: I wanted them bagged in paper sacks!

Adam Hauck: And I want to lose my virginity. We don’t always get what we want. However, had you asked for paper sacks before I started bagging, you might have gotten them.

CUT TO: Adam is bagging for a different customer.

Customer #3: Oh, I brought my own bags.

Adam Hauck: You are aware that we provide bags for you, right? You don’t need to bring your own. It’s like if I joined the military and was about to be given weapons, and said “No, thanks. I brought my own guns.” They wouldn’t be too happy with that. Or if I go out to a restaurant and a waiter comes over and asks me what I want, and I say “I’m good. I brought my own food.” Then I whip out a pizza and start eating it. No.

CUT TO: Adam is sitting in the manager’s office with Professor Tincher – who besides being Masked Bagger’s mentor, is the store manager.

Professor Tincher: Adam, I don’t know. As a superhero, you’re doing a great job. You faced your fears and battled big birds and saved the day. As a bagger, however…

Adam Hauck: I was a bagger for a really long time at my old store. I’m just tired. Plus, I don’t see why I have to bag at all. Shouldn’t I focus all my energy on fighting crime and saving lives?

Professor Tincher: Have you even read a single comic book at all?

Adam Hauck: Yes, and that’s back when it made me an outcast. Now it’s “the cool thing to do”. What’s your point?

Professor Tincher: Superheroes lead double lives. They have secret identities to protect the loved ones around them. Also, they’re vigilantes, so they don’t want the police to know where they live.

Adam Hauck: Okay, look. I’m not gonna lie. I want to impress Katie. I can’t do that when I have to pretend to be scared so that she doesn’t suspect who I really am.

Professor Tincher: I’m sorry about that. Honestly, though, I don’t see how you’d even have time for a relationship. You’re on call 24/7. You get in a relationship with her and then when I need you, you’ll ignore me because you’ll both be at the mall, and she’ll need you to walk next to her, carrying her purse, and repeatedly telling her how beautiful she is. (raising his voice) Your first responsibility is to this store as the Masked Bagger!

Adam Hauck: Calm down, Professor. Besides, Katie doesn’t seem to be into me, so you don’t have anything to worry about.

Professor Tincher: I’m sorry. Now let’s get back to why you’re in here – for being rude to customers. *You* know I won’t fire you because of your other persona, but just think of how it looks to other people when you’re making wise-cracks and insulting customers and I don’t do anything about it. You must act as though you are one of them, able to lose your job at any time.

Adam Hauck: Fine. I get it. Though it won’t be as much fun. Oh, by the way, why is Mickey Tork Employee of the Month? Shouldn’t it be Masked Bagger?

Professor Tincher: I agree with you. However, I don’t pick the employee. Our Inclusion Team does. Mickey, though, does excellent work and if he keeps it up, one day will be sitting in *this* chair… or a chair like it, but still in this office.

Adam Hauck: (uninterested) Uh-huh. Maybe if we fake an attack on the Inclusion Team and Masked Bagger “rescues” them? That way they would be more willing to vote for him.

Professor Tincher: No.

CUT TO: Vince Beckett is sitting in the produce cooler with the lights out. The fruits and vegetables in the room are all slightly rumbling.

Vince Beckett: (calmly) I’m a freak now, and it is all Tincher’s fault. I told him I needed the day off, but he made me work. He will soon learn what a mistake that was.

CUT TO: A few minutes later. Katie walks into the produce back room. It appears to be empty. Little does she know Beckett is in the cooler, hatching a plan to destroy Tincher.

Katie Collins: Hello. Anyone in here? I’m doing a price check.

Katie notices a watermelon sitting on the counter start to slowly wobble. It builds up speed and goes faster and faster before rolling off the counter and hitting the floor – SPLAT!

Katie Collins: That’s weird.

Suddenly, an orange flies past her from one end of the room to the next. She watches, frightened, as a peach also flies past her. Then an apple flies by and actually hits her on the arm. It stings. Katie runs away and makes it to the front office where she grabs the phone to make a page on the intercom.

CUT TO: Adam and Tincher are still in the manager’s office. They hear Katie on the intercom.

Katie Collins: (Voice-over) Masked Bagger! Masked Bagger is needed in produce. Hurry up!

Adam Hauck: That’s Katie! She needs me!

Professor Tincher: She needs the Masked Bagger.

Adam Hauck: Uh, spoiler alert, I *am* the Masked Bagger!

Professor Tincher: Okay, you missed the point. Just go.

Adam Hauck: Good call. It’s morphin’ time!

Adam stands there, in morphing position. Tincher is concerned.

Professor Tincher: You realize you can’t just morph? You have to actually put on the costume yourself.

Adam Hauck: Right. Well, it would be quicker, though, if I had morphing abilities. Something to think about, Professor.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger walks around produce but doesn’t see anything alarming. He then goes over to the back room, opens the door and walks inside. Behind him – the produce cooler. In front of him – a row of fifty limes, floating in the air, level to his face.

Masked Bagger: Um, hello.

Suddenly, the first lime is hurled at Masked Bagger’s face and hits him.

Masked Bagger: Ouch! Hey, what’s going on?

Another lime throws itself at our hero and another and another. They move at a fast pace. A few hit him but the Masked Bagger decides to dodge the rest. He feels stupid that he didn’t think to dodge sooner. Suddenly, Beckett steps out of the produce cooler. However, he’s not recognizable as Vince Beckett. That’s because he’s not Vince Beckett anymore. He is now… the Pineapple-Man! Masked Bagger turns around and is face-to-face with his very first super villain.

Pineapple-Man: My, my. If it isn’t the superhero of Kroger. What’s your name again?

Masked Bagger: Masked Bagger… but you knew that.

Pineapple-Man: Indeed, I did. Would you like to know my name?

Masked Bagger: Fruit Freak?

Pineapple-Man: That is what I am. That is not my name. I am the Pineapple-Man and you will find me to be your worst nightmare.

Masked Bagger: You know, once Vince Beckett returns and finds you in his produce department, he’s gonna be *your* worst nightmare.

Pineapple-Man: You fool. Beckett is dead.

Masked Bagger: What?

Pineapple-Man: There was an accident at the compost and from his ashes, I was born. I am the Pineapple-Man!

Masked Bagger: I already know your name.

Pineapple-Man: Yes, but it felt like a more organic moment to reveal it than before. I was hoping you had forgotten I said it earlier.

Masked Bagger: I hadn’t.

Pineapple-Man: By the way, pineapples are buy one…

Pineapple-Man raises his right arm, and using telekinesis on fruit, hurls a pineapple at Masked Bagger. It hits his chest.

Pineapple-Man: … Get one free!

That pariah from produce raises his left arm and once again, using telekinesis, throws a pineapple at the Masked Bagger, hitting him in the face. He falls back and lands on his butt.

Masked Bagger: Ouch! What’s your problem?

Pineapple-Man: I’m standing here, talking to you, when I have something else I need to do. Be gone, Bagger. I’m sure we’ll finish this up at a later time.

Masked Bagger stands up.

Masked Bagger: I’m going, but not because you told me to, but rather because my nose is starting to bleed and I need to take care of that.

Masked Bagger leaves the produce back room.

CUT TO: In the basement laboratory. Masked Bagger and Professor Tincher are discussing what happened.

Professor Tincher: And you walked away?

Masked Bagger: I had to.

Professor Tincher: What, did he sprout wings and a beak?

Masked Bagger: Don’t even joke about that, and no. He just has this way about him. I felt like it was just best to leave and come back later… like after my nose stopped bleeding.

Professor Tincher: Needless to say, I’m disappointed, Adam. Beckett is now a super villain. You have to take him down, not walk away from him.

Masked Bagger: Fine. I’ll go back. I’ll get him. I just hope he doesn’t hit me in the face with fruit again.

Professor Tincher: Bring Beckett in alive. We’ll incarcerate him down here.

Masked Bagger: Why? I mean, he’s evil.

Professor Tincher: I’m working to rehabilitate all the super villains. They were – at one time – regular people. If there’s a chance that we can return them to their previous selves, then as decent human beings, we must try.

Masked Bagger: Okay, I get it.

Masked Bagger turns around and starts to walk away.

Professor Tincher: (smiles) Oh, and don’t embarrass yourself this time. Make me proud I chose you to defend our store.

Masked Bagger: (still walking away) Eh, whatever happens, happens.

CUT TO: The front-end. Katie and Mickey are bagging. Masked Bagger walks past them on his way to produce.

Mickey Tork: (to Katie) Hey, it’s the Masked Bagger!

Katie Collins: Something’s about to go down and look who’s not here… Adam. He’s probably hiding scared again.

Angry that Katie is badmouthing Adam, Masked Bagger stops and turns around.

Masked Bagger: Katie, Adam is on his break upstairs. He has no clue what’s about to happen.

Katie Collins: What’s about to happen?

Masked Bagger: I’m about to slice a pineapple, so to speak.

Mickey Tork: May as well slice two. They’re buy one get one free, you know?

Masked Bagger: (he winces) I know.

The hero of 717 turns around and continues walking to produce where Pineapple-Man is out in the open. Customers walk by, thinking he’s a mascot or something. They haven’t a clue he’s evil. The Masked Bagger comes up to him and stops.

Masked Bagger: I’m back and this time you’re coming with me.

Pineapple-Man: You amuse me, Bagger, because I most certainly am not going with you.

Masked Bagger: We can do this the easy way or the hard way. I must warn you, though, I have a cart strap and I’m NOT afraid to use it.

Pineapple-Man: I have telekinesis over produce. I win.

Masked Bagger: Yeah, well, whatever. Can we just hurry this up? I’m hungry. It’s pizza time.

Pineapple-Man: I’m a little hungry myself. Though, I prefer pineapples.

Masked Bagger: Ugh, isn’t that cannibalism?

Pineapple-Man: Let’s end this now.

Suddenly, there’s a rumbling as all fruits and vegetables from the refrigerated case along the walls start to shake. They are all lifted from the shelving and are floating in mid-air. This includes packaged fruits and bottled beverages. Pineapple-Man has his arms in the air and as he moves them forward, hundreds of the different fruits and vegetables act as a tidal wave, heading towards Masked Bagger. He turns around to run off.

Masked Bagger: Mama said there’d be days like this!

He starts to run and decides to warn the others.

Masked Bagger: Stampede! Everybody out!

Seeing the oncoming fruits and veggies, all of the customers from up front clear the area. Katie and Mickey, however, decide to hide out in the front office. The produce continues to be hurled at our hero, the majority of it is on the floor, rolling towards him.

Masked Bagger: And everybody told me my daily cheeseburgers were gonna kill me. But *this* is how I got out… a fruit stampede! Okay, one-liners are only fun if someone hears me saying them, also if they were funny, that’d be great, too.

The 717 Guardian runs over, gets on a register and stands there, while fruits and veggies storm past him on the floor, like a raging sea. A head of lettuce flies up and hits him on the stomach.

Masked Bagger: I never *was* good at dodge ball. Dang it, I can’t stop with the one-liners. At least they’re not corny like in “Batman & Robin”. These are more organic. Okay, “corny” and “organic” both have to do with produce. Just an observation.

In all the chaos, Masked Bagger doesn’t realize Pineapple-Man has walked away – headed for the manager’s office. Once he’s at a far enough distance, all of it suddenly stops. His telekinetic powers only work at a close range. After things have calmed down, Masked Bagger looks over at the front office and spots Katie and Mickey.

Masked Bagger: Are you two okay?

Mickey Tork: Yeah. Are you gonna protect us?

Masked Bagger: That’s the plan.

Katie Collins: By the way, we heard what you said up there. Do you always talk to yourself?

Masked Bagger: Only when I think I’m alone.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher is in his office. Pineapple-Man walks into the room and sneaks a floating watermelon past Tincher. It hovers over the Professor’s head, though he is unaware of it.

Pineapple-Man: We’ve worked together a long time, Stan. Too long.

Professor Tincher: Vince! I heard about your transformation. Maybe there’s something we can do to get you back to the way you were.

Pineapple-Man: If I was back to the way I was, then I wouldn’t be able to do this…

The watermelon over the Professor drops. It hits Tincher on the head and knocks him out.

CUT TO: Adam walks into the basement lab. It’s empty. Adam starts to talk, thinking Tincher’s in there, somewhere.

Adam Hauck: Professor, I started to fight him but he snuck off. Professor? Hmm, he must be in the office.

CUT TO: Adam walks into the manager’s office. It’s also empty, but he notices the watermelon on the floor. This worries him.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher is tied up, sitting on a chair in a secret side room of the produce cooler. Pineapple-Man is there.

Professor Tincher: What are you gonna do?

Pineapple-Man: I have been working on my technique. I’ve been getting better. I have control over any fruit and vegetable around me. I can throw an onion at your chest so fast, it will stop your heart from beating, resulting in your death.

Professor Tincher: What is this about, Beckett?

Pineapple-Man: Beckett? You killed him. I am here to avenge him.

Professor Tincher: I didn’t kill him.

Pineapple-Man: He needed the day off. YOU made him work. Had Beckett not been here, he wouldn’t have had the “accident” that caused him to turn into the freak I am now. The funny thing is, I like who I am now better. I still have to kill you. It’s all a part of the new persona.

Professor Tincher: Needless to say, Beckett, you’re fired!

Pineapple-Man hurls an onion at Tincher’s chest. It hurts, but bounces off and lands on the floor. Tincher is alive.

Pineapple-Man: Ha-ha, it’s not time to die yet!

CUT TO: Katie is in the breakroom, texting. Adam enters.

Adam Hauck: Katie! Have you seen Profes, er, uh, Mr. Tincher?

Katie ignores him. She is, after all, in the middle of a text.

Adam Hauck: Kind of important.

Katie Collins: Wait a second.

She finishes her text and looks up at Adam.

Katie Collins: Okay, what?

Adam Hauck: (sighs) Have you seen Mr. Tincher?

Katie Collins: No.

Adam Hauck: That’s it? Just “no”?

Katie Collins: Imma need you to take your attitude outta this room.

Adam Hauck: I’m afraid something has happened to him.

Mickey Tork enters.

Mickey Tork: What’s up, Adam?

Adam Hauck: Um, the store is being taken over by fruit.

Mickey Tork: (laughs) Now there’s something you don’t hear every day.

Adam Hauck: How are you two even able to take a break right now?

Katie Collins: It’s dead down there. The stampeding fruit ran off all the customers. It probably scared off Tincher, too. I’m proud of you for staying, Puddin’.

Adam blushes, then gets full of himself.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, well. I had to stay to make sure you’re okay.

Mickey and Katie both laugh at Adam for being a dork.

Adam Hauck: (groans) Gotta go.

CUT TO: Adam is back in the basement lab, sitting at Tincher’s desk, wondering what to do.

Adam Hauck: If I did my job right the first time, this never would have happened. Tincher’s life is in danger because I’m a screw up. I don’t know what to do. How am I gonna find him? I wish there was some way I could have monitored everyone in the store, and play back the footage. Then I could track him down.

It sinks in.

Adam Hauck: The monitors! I’ll watch the monitors and see what happened!

Adam turns to his right, where a monitor is sitting on a desk. He looks at the screen and searches for footage of Pineapple-Man and Professor Tincher. After a few minutes, he finds it. He spots Pineapple-Man – who’s carrying Professor Tincher – all the way to produce. Adam suits up, once again wearing his Masked Bagger outfit. He looks over and sees a holster with a spray bottle and what looks like a gun.

Masked Bagger: Hold on, Professor. I’m coming!

He puts the holster on and runs upstairs.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is searching in the produce back room but doesn’t see them anywhere. He enters the cooler but it’s empty. Looking more closely, our hero spots a tiny knob on the wall. He takes a chance and pulls it. Just as he suspected! It’s a doorway, leading to another room.

CUT TO: Pineapple-Man is still messing with Tincher.

Pineapple-Man: I’m doing you a favor by killing you. I’m going to reunite you with your wife and son.

Professor Tincher: My son is still alive.

Pineapple-Man: Missing for six years? How much you want to bet that he’s still alive?

Professor Tincher: Shut up!

Masked Bagger quietly enters, though none of the other occupants of the room know it yet.

Pineapple-Man: If you’re expecting the Masked Bagger to rescue you, expect something else, because that will not happen.

Masked Bagger: Expect the unexpected, Piney!

Pineapple-Man: No.

Masked Bagger: Yep!

Pineapple-Man: No, I mean “Piney” will not be my nickname. That’s ridiculous.

Masked Bagger: That’s why I like it. I’ve gotta put you in your place. You’re a man, who’s a pineapple, plus, a bully. *That’s* ridiculous.

Pineapple-Man: Shut it, Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Let’s fight!

Masked Bagger takes his spray bottle out of its holster and begins spraying Pineapple-Man in the face. After a few seconds, the pompous pariah blocks it with his hand.

Pineapple-Man: A mere distraction, Bagger.

A cantaloupe bashes into our hero’s hand, knocking the spray bottle to the floor. Pineapple-Man gets close to Masked Bagger and punches him in the face. He falls down but gets right back up. Pineapple-Man takes another swing at him. This time, Masked Bagger ducks, missing the villain’s intended punch, then with his right hand, takes a swing himself and lands a blow on Pineapple-Man’s jaw. The pompous pariah falls back slightly.

Masked Bagger: Punch me once, shame on you. Punch me twice… well please don’t punch me twice!

The evil fruit man retaliates with a speeding apple in our hero’s direction. Masked Bagger steps out of the way and within seconds, another one flies towards him. He dodges that one as well. He slips a plastic Kroger bag out of his pocket. This time, five apples at once are headed for the guardian of 717. Yep, you guessed it. He catches each of them in the bag. He’s out of breath.

Masked Bagger: I need to work out more. This is exhausting!

The magnificent man in the mask gets out his cart strap and attaches the bag of apples to the end of it.

Masked Bagger: Yes, I get it. You can throw fruit without using your hands! I’m impressed. Now why don’t you…

Catching “Piney” off guard, Masked Bagger reveals his cart strap with the bag of apples at the end of it, and twirls it in the air a few times, as if he was a lassoin’ cowboy. He then smacks the pompous pariah in the face with the apples. As Pineapple-Man holds his face, recovering from the pain, Masked Bagger sneaks up behind him and wraps the cart strap around the villain’s neck. He pulls it tight, bringing Piney down to his knees. The baddie is gasping for air.

Professor Tincher: Don’t kill him!

Masked Bagger: I’m not planning to. I just got in over my head and I have no clue what to do next.

Professor Tincher: Take your bag-gun out of its holster and shoot him with it.

Masked Bagger: Oh, is that what it is? I just thought you were really pushing the Second Amendment.

Masked Bagger takes the bag-gun and aims it at Pineapple-Man. He pulls the trigger and a bag wraps around the villain. He’s been captured. Masked Bagger saved the day again! He goes over to the Professor and unties him.

Professor Tincher: Job well done, Adam!

Masked Bagger: Uh, Mr. Tincher, I have an identity to keep secret. You can’t call me “Adam” while I’m in my costume.

Professor Tincher: Right. What was I thinking? (smiles) You know, as the Masked Bagger, you get to fight and defeat Pineapple-Man. As Adam Hauck, you get to clean up the mess he made throughout the store.

Masked Bagger: Well, now I’m wondering if I did the right thing, saving your life.

Adam smiles. They both laugh.

CUT TO: Pineapple-Man is sitting alone in the basement prison cell.

Pineapple-Man: This isn’t over, Bagger! I will have my revenge! Next time, I will chop you up and put you on a fruit tray and serve you to customers! Well, that sounds nasty. Maybe I won’t do *that*, but I will certainly do something devious!

CUT TO: Adam walks into the laboratory. Professor Tincher is down there, waiting for him.

Adam Hauck: You wanted me, Professor?

Professor Tincher: Yes. I wanted to talk to you about why it’s important to keep your identity as the Masked Bagger a secret.

Adam Hauck: Look, it’s not important. I was just venting earlier.

Professor Tincher: It *is* important. You see, you aren’t the first Masked Bagger.

Adam Hauck: What?

Professor Tincher: Twenty years ago, someone else used that guise to fight evil inside a Kroger store, but once the secret got out, something grizzly happened.

Adam Hauck: What are you talking about? Who was this other Masked Bagger?

Professor Tincher: Me.

Adam looks shocked.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!!

ISSUE #3. Spill Magic Snowfall (Part 1)

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Mickey Tork

Guest Starring:
The Powder [pictured below]
Bernie Boswell (21-years-old) [pictured below]
M.B.

ISSUE #3. Spill Magic Snowfall (Story 1)

Originally released on April 2nd, 2013

The Story Continues…

Adam Hauck: You wanna explain that?

Professor Tincher: This is my home world, but for a while there, I was traveling to all the different levels of Earth. I went to a Kroger that was filled with corruption and evil. I was without super powers. I just knew I had to do something. So I put on a mask and fought crime there. I only carried the title of “Masked Bagger” for a few months. You see, I was in love. A girl named Brooke Montgomery got hired on as a cashier. We became very close. Everyone in the store knew of our love. Of course, they didn’t know that I was also the mysterious hero, Masked Bagger. One day, a criminal I was fighting found out my identity. Two days later, well, Brooke was murdered. She was discovered at the front end of the store, hanging from a rope around her neck. She had a mask on her face with the words “Masked Bagger’s Woman” written on it. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. Evil had won. Shortly thereafter, I left that Earth, and until recently, I had left the idea of heroes fighting evil behind me.

Adam Hauck: I’m sorry. I don’t even know what to say right now.

Professor Tincher: Don’t say anything. Just keep your identity a secret. Not for all those comics you’ve read, but for all the “Brookes” out there, whose safety depends on your secret being kept.

CUT TO: A couple days later. Masked Bagger enters the basement lab. Professor Tincher is down there, looking excited.

Masked Bagger: You don’t have to say it, Professor. I screwed up. You told me to catch the meat thief and I was unable to. I did, however, get him to throw the meat on the floor before running out of the store. So we didn’t lose any product.

Professor Tincher: Oh, I don’t care about that.

Masked Bagger: You don’t? What’s going on?

Professor Tincher: I have a big announcement.

Masked Bagger: Okay, what is it?

Professor Tincher: You know how important it is to keep your secret identity?

Masked Bagger: Yes, of course.

Professor Tincher: I am going to have “Masked Bagger Day” tomorrow, where customers can come in and have their picture taken with the guardian of 717. He will also have his picture taken with a few select employees: Katie Collins, Mickey Tork, Adam Hauck and myself.

Masked Bagger: I think you’ve lost it, Professor. How can I take a picture with Adam? I *am* him!

Professor Tincher: That’s the big announcement. I’ve cloned you.

Masked Bagger: (sarcastically) Of course you have.

Professor Tincher: No, I really did. I got some of your DNA - I won’t say how - and I went to work on making a clone of you. He’s all finished now.

Masked Bagger: Wow. Then you really *are* a professor. I was beginning to think that was just your first name.

Professor Tincher: Well now you know better. Introducing the Masked Bagger clone, which we’ll simply call M.B.

M.B. enters the room. He is dressed as The Masked Bagger, and looks identical to him. He stops and stands there.

Masked Bagger: I don’t believe it. That’s me. Except, I’m not really that fat, am I?

Professor Tincher: Um, no. Of course not. On an unrelated note, however, I am starting a Biggest Loser contest in the store. It might be fun if you join, but we can talk about that later. I want you two to get to know each other, so I’ll leave you alone.

Professor Tincher leaves.

Masked Bagger: So, um, what does it feel like being a clone?

M.B.: I don’t understand the question. I feel normal.

Masked Bagger: Then you’re not a clone of me. (laughs)

M.B. doesn’t get the joke and therefore, doesn’t laugh.

M.B.: I look like you but I don’t have your brain. So please fill me in on what it’s like being you.

Masked Bagger: It’s tough. I’m scared of almost everything and yet I’m expected to fight supernatural bad guys. I’ve always wanted a girlfriend but I’ve never been able to just approach a girl and ask her out.

M.B.: What kind of music do you like?

Masked Bagger: I like oldies music. The Beatles, The Monkees, Sam Cooke, among others. That’s another thing. I’m made to feel like an outcast by the younger generation for my choice in music and television. Now you have to be me, and I don’t envy you one bit.

Adam - disguised as Masked Bagger - smiles. This makes M.B. smile back.

M.B.: I’ll make you proud, Masked Bagger.

CUT TO: The next day. It’s Masked Bagger Day. After hours of having M.B. take pictures with customers, it’s finally time for his picture with the employees.

Professor Tincher: Okay, Katie, Mickey, Adam, let’s get our picture taken with our masked hero, here.

Adam Hauck: So Katie, now that you see me and Masked Bagger together, you know we’re not one and the same. Are you shocked?

Katie Collins: Shocked that you would think I ever suspected the two of you being the same person. Masked Bagger is a hero. You’re a coward.

Adam Hauck: I’m also reconsidering our friendship.

Katie Collins: Okay, I’m sorry, Adam. We’re friends. I was just kidding around with you.

Adam Hauck: Okay then.

Professor Tincher: Come on. Line up everybody. This is a big moment in all our lives. I’m sure.

Katie, Mickey, Adam, Tincher and M.B. all pose together. A picture is taken of them.

CUT TO: A FEW WEEKS LATER. It is now the month of April. Katie and Adam are up front bagging. Mickey walks up to them.

Mickey Tork: Well, I’m Employee of the Month again. It’s pretty exciting.

Katie Collins: Congrats.

Adam Hauck: That’s great, Mick. Hey wait a second. Didn’t this happen already? WHO are you paying off in our Inclusion Team? That’s what I want to know!

Mickey Tork: Relax, dude. I’m kidding. You know, April Fools?

Adam Hauck: Oh, yeah. So am I Employee of the Month?

Mickey Tork: No.

Adam Hauck: Masked Bagger?

Mickey Tork: No.

Katie Collins: Me?

Mickey Tork: No. Sorry, Katie.

Adam Hauck: Then who?

Mickey Tork: Bernie Boswell.

CUT TO: Adam storms into the basement lab, where Professor Tincher is sitting at his desk. M.B. has a feather duster in his hand, and is dusting the place.

Adam Hauck: I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but you really have to override the Inclusion Team’s Employee of the Month pick.

M.B.: Hi, Adam!

Adam Hauck: Hey, M.B.

Professor Tincher: Is this really your biggest concern right now?

Adam Hauck: Yes! Bernie Boswell! I mean, come on!

Professor Tincher: I like the guy. He’s been our produce head for almost a month, and in all that time he has never once kidnapped me and threatened to kill me with an onion.

Adam Hauck: Give it time, Professor! He will!

Professor Tincher: I’m not in the mood for this right now.

Adam Hauck: Why? What’s up?

Professor Tincher: I have a hunch about a certain somebody and if I’m right, well, it’s bad.

Adam Hauck: Is it Boswell? Is he dying? Well now I feel bad for storming in here and complaining about his Employee of the Month title. That’s it! He has less than a month to live. THAT’S why he’s Employee of the Month. It probably came from the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

Professor Tincher: No, it’s not Boswell.

Adam Hauck: Oh. Well then who?

Professor Tincher: I can’t talk about this right now. I’ve got some research to do first. If anything comes of this hunch, I’ll let you know. Until then… get back to work.

Adam Hauck: I’m going, but first I have to comment on this. You go through the trouble of creating a clone of me, and all you have him do is dust the basement?

Professor Tincher: He’s my assistant, Adam. Now go.

Adam Hauck: I’m gone, but with M.B. here, it’ll kinda be like I never left. That’s the real reason you created him, I bet.

He smiles.

CUT TO: Adam is walking through the store and he spots Katie doing re-shops in the promo isle. He takes a deep breath and then approaches her.

Adam Hauck: Hey.

Katie Collins: What up?

Adam Hauck: Oh, just the usual nothing. How are you doing?

Katie Collins: Okay, but my stomach be growlin’.

Adam Hauck: Well it’s almost break time for you.

Katie Collins: Yeah.

Adam Hauck: Maybe we could take a break together.

Katie Collins: Why?

Adam Hauck: Oh, uh, I just hate taking breaks alone. I like to have someone I can talk to.

Just then Bernie Boswell walks up. He overheard what Adam said.

Bernie Boswell: Deal.

Adam Hauck: What?

Bernie Boswell: You hate to take breaks alone. So do I. You like to have someone you can talk to. So do I. We were made to be break buddies.

Adam Hauck: Well I’m not going right now.

Bernie Boswell: Neither am I. This is perfect. Just let me know when you’re going. The stress of this job has given me hives, and I’ve been wanting to talk about these red splotches with someone.

Bernie walks away, happy to have a friend (or so he thinks). Katie turns to Adam and smiles.

Katie Collins: That’s not what you were going for, huh?

Adam Hauck: No.

Katie Collins: (laughs) I’m weak! Well I better go take my break now. Though it won’t be any fun without someone telling me all about his hives, haha.

Katie walks off. Adam looks ticked.

CUT TO: A while later, back in the lab. Tincher and M.B. are already down there. Adam enters.

Adam Hauck: You wanted me, Professor?

Professor Tincher: Yes. We’ve located a super villain. Eye witness reports claim he wears the old gray Kroger shirt from years ago. He has blue flesh, dark blue hair and is able to shoot Spill Magic out of his hands.

Adam Hauck: So you want me to offer him a job as our cleaner?

Professor Tincher: The Spill Magic is poison. If it touches you, or even the clothes you’re wearing, it will absorb and kill you. This is more serious than a fruit being hurled at your head. This is life or death. Go to the back hallway, walk up the stairs to the roof. That little room up there is apparently his hideout. Oh, and one more thing. He’s responsible for the deaths of at least three people over the past couple years. Be careful.

Adam Hauck: Okay. I think M.B. should handle this one. It sounds too dangerous for me.

Professor Tincher: He doesn’t have any powers. He’s a decoy. Now go!

M.B.: I’ll do it, Dad! Oh, please let me do it!

Professor Tincher: I appreciate your wanting to help out, M.B., but no. It’s too dangerous.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger walks up the stairs and enters the room. Sure enough, the blue-skinned villain is standing there, staring at our hero.

The Powder: What are you doing here?

Masked Bagger: I’ve come to take you to our Kroger prison. It’s downstairs. You killed some people.

The Powder: (smiles) It’s a hobby.

Masked Bagger: So what do they call you - Smurf Boy?

The Powder: Usually the only things people call to me are “I’m begging you” or “Please, no!” I like the name The Powder, though.

Masked Bagger: Did you ever think of dying your hair white, so you would look even more like a Smurf?

The Powder: Back on Smurfs? Did you even hear what I just said?

Masked Bagger: I did, but I had that joke in my head and I just had to say it. So, what, you said your name is Powder? Are you a part of the Mighty Morphin' *Powder* Rangers?

Masked Bagger laughs. He’s proud of his lame joke.

The Powder: Get away from me. This is officially over.

Masked Bagger: It’s just begun, Talcum.

The Powder extends his arms, ready to shoot the poisonous Spill Magic from his hands. Masked Bagger backs out of the room but Powder follows him. Tincher is standing in the back hallway. He looks up and sees The Powder’s face. He’s shocked. He calls to Masked Bagger.

Professor Tincher: Masked Bagger! Come down here. Leave him be.

The Powder: You heard the boss. Now go. You just got lucky.

CUT TO: The basement lab, once again.

Masked Bagger: I think there’s more to the story you didn’t tell me.

Professor Tincher: There is, but you looked so sad. I didn’t have the heart to keep going on.

Masked Bagger: I weigh 240 pounds. Which means I’m a big boy. I can take it. Tell me what’s going on.

Professor Tincher: Fine. After Brooke’s murder, I was so distraught that I continued my travels of the five Earth levels. Eventually, I came back to this world. With no intention of taking a job at Kroger ever again, I simply walked into this store - 717 - for the first time. The year was 1994, and I met Brooke Montgomery all over again.

Masked Bagger: Say what?

Professor Tincher: Many of us have doubles on the other four Earth levels. When the Earth split into five levels, so did the people. Of course, since different things have happened in each level, some people who maybe died on one world are alive on another and vice-versa.

Masked Bagger: Is there another me here?

Professor Tincher: No. I wouldn’t have gone through the trouble of cloning you if I could just go out and get your double.

Masked Bagger: One of a kind. Just saying.

He smiles.

Professor Tincher: Okay, well, after seeing the love of my life, who had died on another world, I knew I had to be here with her. So I applied for a job, got hired on, and within months, Brooke and I were an item. We’re world-crossed lovers. We just see each other and we know we’re meant to be together. Brooke had a four-year-old son named Bailey Moore. She was divorced. Her ex-husband was a drunk, and the two just couldn’t make it work. After a couple years, we were married. I had some of the happiest years of my life. Technically, Bailey is my step-son, but I rarely called him that. He’s my son. Eventually, I worked my way up to store manager, and using a little nepotism, seven years ago, I hired Bailey as a bagger. Then, about a year later, he went to work but never came home. We didn’t know what happened to him. He was just gone - a missing person. It was total agony. Brooke was overwhelmed with grief. Not even a year later, she died. The doctors say it was a heart attack brought on by stress, but I knew what killed her… a broken heart. Twice I lost her. I guess I should at least be grateful that this time I got to spend many wonderful years with her and Bailey as a family before it was all shattered, and she was taken from me again.

Bagger looks like he’s about to cry. Keep in mind - looking like, and actually crying are two different things!

Masked Bagger: Professor, you’re getting a hug. Get over here you sad, sad man.

Tincher reluctantly walks closer to Adam. They hug for a moment. Once the hug is over, their conversation continues.

Masked Bagger: Okay, so what’s the relevance of this story now?

Professor Tincher: The Powder IS Bailey Moore. After six years, I finally found out what had happened to him. Part of me wishes he had died, though. At least then his mother and he would be together right now, and he could be remembered as the nice kid that he was. Instead, he’s out there and he’s a monster. He has to be stopped, and it’s your job to do it.

Masked Bagger: Then why did you stop me?

Professor Tincher: Because I freaked. I saw him and knew my hunch was correct. My son is a killer.

Masked Bagger: That’s not your son. He’s been possessed by evil. It’s the same body but not the same spirit.

Professor Tincher: No, Adam. While it’s true, Bailey didn’t just wake up one day and start acting out… with the evil, there’s still Bailey inside. Look at Pineapple-Man. He still acts and talks like Vince Beckett. Just with an evil agenda.

Masked Bagger: And a weird hairdo.

Professor Tincher: We need a plan of attack. Bailey won’t go easy.

M.B.: Do you need my help, Adam?

Masked Bagger: Maybe. If Powder sees two Masked Baggers, it might throw him off. We could use that to our advantage.

Professor Tincher: It’s too dangerous. I’m working on a suit that covers your body and it should be immune to Bailey’s Spill Magic. Just give me a little more time.

Masked Bagger: Take all the time you need. I just hope Powder doesn’t kill anyone else in the meantime.

Professor Tincher: Okay, I’ll finish up the suit while you walk around the store, making sure everything is okay.

Masked Bagger: Right.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is walking around the store, making sure everything is okay. One of the evil, giant bird-men (from the 1st episode) swoops down and grabs a hold of the hero’s jacket with his claws. He flies through the store, headed for the back hallway. Once he arrives, the bird-man flies Masked Bagger up the stairs to Powder’s hideout. He drops the guardian and then stands in front of The Powder.

The Powder: Very well done, my feathered friend.

Powder then punches the bird-man. It falls back and vanishes. Masked Bagger watches in shock.

Masked Bagger: Whoa, killing your henchman! Was that you “Bob, gun” moment?

The Powder: I don’t get the reference.

Masked Bagger: Yeah, I tend to make a lot of references no one gets.

The Masked Bagger stands up and is about to attack when…

The Powder: I wouldn’t do anything foolish.

Masked Bagger: Well that’s something else I tend to do a lot.

The Powder: This time will be your last. Look up.

He does and sees the ceiling is rigged with the poison Spill Magic.

The Powder: One step out of the circle you’ve been dropped onto by that bird and the Spill Magic comes down like snow, and absorbs you. Then it’s bye-bye Mask-Man.

Masked Bagger: You… evil… guy… you.

The Powder: That’s a good one. I’m gonna have to remember that, hehe. Now I’m gonna tie you up with some duct tape to make it even harder for you to escape, and then I’m going for a walk around the store.

Masked Bagger: Why?

The Powder: Hey, I was in here, minding my own business. You’re the one who decided to poke the hibernating bear. Now you’re gonna find out why that’s a no-no.

Masked Bagger: Don’t do anything. I’ll do whatever you want. Just don’t hurt those people down there. Let’s make a deal.

The Powder: Do I look like Wayne Brady?

Masked Bagger: Well no, but you kinda look like you could be one of the audience members.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher and M.B. are in the basement lab. Tincher stops working on the body suit for a moment to talk to the clone.

Professor Tincher: I’ve been so wrapped up in my own drama lately that I haven’t even asked you how you’ve been.

M.B.: That’s okay.

Professor Tincher: Are you okay being my assistant? I mean, since I created you for a sole purpose, I don’t really know what I can have you do the rest of the time.

M.B.: I love it. I get to work for my dad. Sometimes, I even get to see my brother, Adam. I love this life.

Professor Tincher: So things are good?

M.B.: Yes. I mean, I wish you would let me go out and help Masked Bagger sometimes. I know I can do good in the store and help people, just like he does.

Professor Tincher: He’s a superhero with super strength. You don’t have that. I don’t even have that. He fights alone because he has no peers in that area. I worry about you, M.B.

M.B.: I appreciate it, Dad. I just wish you wouldn’t.

CUT TO: The Powder is out and about in the store. He heads up to the front, where Katie and Mickey are bagging.

Mickey Tork: You know, Adam is supposed to be on carts. Where is he? This is ticking me off.

Katie Collins: I don’t know where he is.

She looks over and sees The Powder.

Katie Collins: Uh, Mickey.

Mickey Tork: Yeah?

Katie Collins: I have a bad feeling about that guy over there.

Mickey Tork: Which one?

Katie Collins: He’s wearing the old gray Kroger shirt. Oh, and his skin and hair are blue!

Mickey sees him. He senses trouble.

Mickey Tork: You know what? I’ll be nice and do Adam’s carts for him.

Mickey then heads to the bagger’s closet where he gets a cart strap and vest, and goes outside. Katie is disappointed in Mickey.

Katie Collins: Imma need the guys I hang out with to not be scared little boys!

The Powder walks up to the front end but then turns around. He walks over to the photo lab, across from the frozen food isles, and just stands there, waiting for someone to cross him. Professor Tincher just happens to walk by. They both look at one another.

The Powder: I don’t believe it. Dad! How’re ya doin’?

Professor Tincher: You vanish for six years and that’s all you have to say to me?

The Powder: Fine. You look like you’ve put on some weight. Oh, and get a haircut.

Professor Tincher: You have to stop this, Bailey. You’ve killed innocent people. Let me help you. I can try to rehabilitate you.

The Powder: I’m gonna pass on that. I like who I am *now*.

Professor Tincher: What happened to you? How did you become… what you are now?

The Powder: I don’t remember. Some freak accident, I’m sure.

Professor Tincher: Son, I still love you. Remember that. We can try to be a family again. Just you and me. What do you say?

Just then, M.B. runs over to the Professor and Powder. This ticks Powder off because he thinks it’s The Masked Bagger.

The Powder: So you escaped? I’m impressed.

M.B.: Huh?

The Powder: Well someone’s gonna die for that.

Powder looks around and spots a little girl standing by herself. She sees him and starts to smile at him. She doesn’t know he’s evil. He’s just a funny looking blue man to her. Powder extends his arms out and is ready to pour the poisonous Spill Magic on her. M.B. sees this.

M.B.: NO!!!!

He runs over to save her. The Spill Magic has left Powder’s hands and is headed in her direction. M.B. pushes the girl out of the way and hits the floor. However, the Spill Magic lands on him. Tincher watches in shock as M.B.’s molecules break down, and he starts to fall apart, being absorbed.

Professor Tincher: M.B., no!

M.B. looks over at Tincher. He puts out his left hand for his dad to hold before he perishes. As they’re holding hands for what little time M.B. has left, tears roll down Tincher’s face. M.B. notices this.

M.B.: No regrets.

M.B. then completely absorbs and his body, which has turned into Spill Magic, falls onto the floor in a pile. The Professor wipes the tears from his eyes. He looks at Powder, pissed.

The Powder: Haha! I got him! The Masked Bagger is a pile of powder on the floor! This store is mine now!

Professor Tincher: Bailey Kurt Moore! You are in so much trouble!

The Powder: Sorry, dad. I’ll go to my room… or, instead, I’ll do to you what I just did to your masked friend there.

Professor Tincher: Try it!

The Powder: I didn’t want any of this, dad. I was fine just hiding out. You and Masked Bagger are the ones who brought me out for a fight. Well if it’s a fight you want, it’s a fight you’re gonna get!

The Powder extends his arms and shoots out the poisonous Spill Magic at Tincher. He jumps out of the way but bangs his arm on a shelf.

Professor Tincher: Ouch! Darn shelf.

The Powder: How does it feel to be weak? Ever since I got my super powers, I’ve completely forgotten what that feels like. Mom was weak, too. I heard that her heart was so frail after I went missing that she just died… pathetic, hehe!

Professor Tincher is pissed! He races towards his son, who extends his arms out to shoot more Spill Magic at his father. Tincher grabs Powder’s right arm with both hands and bends it backwards, breaking it over his knee. He then punches Powder in the face, who falls back and lands on his butt. Tincher stands over him.

Professor Tincher: I’m not The Masked Bagger. I won’t make funny remarks. I’ll just kick… your… ass!

The Powder: I just wanted to be left alone. Since that’s not an option, well, check the forecast. There’s gonna be a snowfall. Everyone dies. Hehe.

Professor Tincher: What does that mean? You’re not a snow villain!

Powder gets up and runs off. Masked Bagger runs over to the Professor. There are gasps from some customers who thought Masked Bagger had been killed.

Masked Bagger: I’m here! I’m here! You won’t believe how I escaped, but I finally got myself free from The Powder’s duct tape. You know, I’m really starting to question these super powers you say I have.

Masked Bagger notices Tincher’s eyes are red from crying.

Masked Bagger: What’s wrong?

Professor Tincher: Everything. Let’s get to the basement.

TO BE CONTINUED…

ISSUE #4. Spill Magic Snowfall (Part 2)

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Mickey Tork

Guest Starring:
The Powder
Salt-Man [pictured below]
Hailie Morgan (21-year-old) [pictured below]

ISSUE #4. Spill Magic Snowfall (Part 2)

Originally Released on May 28th, 2013

And Now, More Story…

Inside the basement lab. Both Professor Tincher and Masked Bagger are down there pacing.

Professor Tincher: It’s been a few weeks! Why hasn’t Powder made his move yet? He promised a snowfall. This is maddening!

Masked Bagger: If this snowfall is anything like the trap he had me in, this store is in serious danger.

Professor Tincher: And yet, the customers won’t stop shopping here. We even have a sign on the door that clearly states “Killer with Poisonous Spill Magic Loose in the Store! Shop at Your Own Risk.”

Masked Bagger: Darn us and our low prices!

Masked Bagger looks over at Tincher, who suddenly looks sad.

Masked Bagger: What?

Professor Tincher: I can’t stop thinking about M.B.

Masked Bagger: I know. I miss him, too. At least he died a hero. That’s all any of us can ask for. He died with honor.

Professor Tincher: He shouldn’t have *died* at all.

Masked Bagger: I hope you’re not blaming me for that.

Professor Tincher: Well, you *are* the guardian of the store.

Masked Bagger: Unbelievable!

Professor Tincher: I’m sorry, Adam. Look, it’s just my nerves talking.

Masked Bagger: I’m going out to get some air.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger walks outside. He’s on the front sidewalk of the store. He hears a scream and looks to his left. Salt-Man is attacking Hailie Morgan, an employee. Masked Bagger darts over there.

Masked Bagger: Excuse me, Miss. Is this guy bothering you?

Hailie Morgan: YES!

Masked Bagger: That’s what I thought.

Masked Bagger takes Hailie’s hand and guides her behind him. She then runs off while Masked Bagger stands guard. Salt-Man stands there, ticked off. The hero and villain look at one another.

Salt-Man: Why’d you do that?

Masked Bagger: Saving people from bad guys is kind of my thing. Why were you attacking her?

Salt-Man: It’s how I get my jollies. Is there something wrong with that?

Masked Bagger: Yes! How can you not see that? But I suppose a guy wearing a “Salt” t-shirt isn’t the brightest.

Salt-Man: It’s not just a shirt. It’s an actual bag of salt. I’m one of those super villains you were brought to the store to battle. Your buddy Tincher had me locked up before you came, but I freed myself and just in time to assault attractive gals like Hailie!

Masked Bagger: What’s your name?

Salt-Man: They call me Salt-Man!

Masked Bagger: Is that *really* what they call you? They couldn’t come up with something more creative?

Salt-Man: Well, I mean, I told people to call me Salt-Man. I said “Hey people, call me Salt-Man!” And they do.

Masked Bagger: Wow, this is the kind of genius I’m battling.

Salt-Man: Now I have you right where I want you. You think I’m a typical strong man villain with a small I.Q., don’t you? All brawn and no brain.

Masked Bagger: Pretty Much.

Salt-Man: Well then I guess you’re up to speed. It’s still gonna hurt, though. No matter whether I can recite Macbeth from memory or…

Before finishing his sentence, Salt-Man picks up two forty pound bags of salt as easily as if they were pillows, and hurls them at our hero. What a jerk! One of them misses him, but the other rams into Masked Bagger’s chest, knocking him to the ground.

Masked Bagger: I should have caught that… and if this were dodge ball, you’d win. But it’s not.

Masked Bagger stands up.

Masked Bagger: So get that smirk off your face!

The handsome hero in a mask takes out his cart strap, twirls it over his head a few times and then hits Salt-Man’s face with it. It doesn’t phase the baddie.

Salt-Man: Haha, stop that. It tickles.

Masked Bagger: Let’s see if *this* tickles!

Masked Bagger runs over to Salt-Man and punches him square on the face… and nearly breaks his hand. Salt-Man laughs and then chest bumps Masked Bagger, which causes him to fly back in the air twelve feet, and land on the concrete.

Salt-Man: Face it, Bagger. You just lost to a human bag of salt!

Masked Bagger: It’s not in my contract to lose.

Masked Bagger gets up and reaches into his pocket. He runs over to the villain with a box cutter in his hand, and gives a quick slice to Salt-Man’s chest (which, again, is a big bag of salt pellets). Salt-Man moans as the salt pellets start to pour out of his body. He finally uses both arms to cover up the slit, so nothing more falls out.

Salt-Man: This isn’t over, Bagger!

Masked Bagger: Oh right! Thanks for reminding me.

The guardian of 717 takes out his bag-gun and shoots Salt-Man with it, covering his body.

Salt-Man: Hey, let me outta here!

Masked Bagger: (sarcastically) Yeah, that’d be a smart idea.

Masked Bagger drags the big bag of villain inside the store and heads for the basement to incarcerate him.

CUT TO: A little while later. Adam walks past non-foods and sees Katie and Hailie, the girl he saved from Salt-Man, talking. He pretends like he’s doing a price check, when really, he’s eavesdropping. Hailie is telling Katie the story of Salt-Man and Masked Bagger.

Hailie Morgan: I be like, get off me, freak! And he be all like NO! I’s just about to kick him in his pellets when Masked Bagger came over and took care of him.

Katie Collins: That’s exciting! I wonder who he is under that mask.

Hailie Morgan: I hear he not be from this world. Looks human, though. He ain’t hunky but he a real man. If only he was black, I’d be all on that.

Katie Collins: Girl, you’re crazy, haha!

Just then a page is made on the intercom…

Intercom Voice: Katie to customer service. Katie to customer service.

Katie Collins: Well I gotta go. See ya later.

Hailie Morgan: Okay. See ya, girl.

Katie walks away. Adam then swoops in to talk to Hailie.

Adam Hauck: Hello.

Hailie Morgan: Zup? My name be Hailie Morgan.

Adam Hauck: Right. From before.

Hailie Morgan: Before? What you be talkin’ about?

Adam realizes Hailie only knows him as Masked Bagger.

Adam Hauck: I’m Adam. You’re Katie’s friend, right?

Hailie Morgan: Yep. We be peeps since middle school.

Adam Hauck: The way you speak… were you raised on the streets?

Hailie Morgan: Nah, I just grew up watching BET, UPN and listening to rap music. Also, Michael Jackson, but only from the years when he was black. During his white years, I lost interest.

Adam Hauck: (smiles) Didn’t we all?

This is the kind of topical humor you’ll find in The Masked Bagger.

Hailie Morgan: When I first met Katie, she be talkin’ like you. Glad she got wise and changed that.

Adam Hauck: Wow, well anyways, since you’re best friends with Katie, I have a question for you.

Hailie Morgan: What?

Adam Hauck: Does she have a boyfriend?

Hailie Morgan: She’s talking to someone.

Adam Hauck: Is she single? I mean, technically I’m talking to you right now, but that doesn’t make us a couple.

Hailie Morgan: Dang tootin’, we ain’t a couple. You too white for me.

Adam Hauck: Okay, well, I’m interested in Katie. I’m just trying to find out if I have a shot with her.

Hailie Morgan: Sure, you can have a shot with her. She be 21.

Adam Hauck: No, not alcohol shots.

Just then a voice goes over the intercom.

Intercom Voice: Adam to customer service. Adam to customer service.

Grateful to be getting out of this conversation, Adam says…

Adam Hauck: Oh thank goodness. Well, I gotta go. Nice talking to you.

Adam runs off. Hailie watches him as he leaves.

Hailie Morgan: (to herself) Silly white boy.

CUT TO: The Powder returns to his hideout. He’s got a smile on his blue, evil face. His right arm has a cast around it, still broken from Tincher’s attack in the previous episode.

The Powder: It’s ready. Time to terrorize the people of 717, hehehe!

CUT TO: Adam is doing a clean-up of a broken jar of pickles. He grabs his container of Spill Magic from the cleaning cart (not to be confused with the Bagger-Mobile), and pours some on the spill. However, only a little comes out before it’s empty.

Adam Hauck: Crap. I need some more Spill Magic.

By chance, Adam looks up at the ceiling and sees it’s covered in Spill Magic, which is just floating there.

Adam Hauck: (in shock) I don’t need *that* much. Wait a second… the snowfall!

He looks over at the customers and sees plenty of them.

Adam Hauck: This looks like a job for Superman! But since he’s not real, Masked Bagger will have to do!

Adam leaves behind the broken jar of pickles, which he figures is the least of his problems. He then darts into the bagger’s closet - one of many different locations for his costume. He changes into the masked hero and comes out of the closet (not like THAT!).

Masked Bagger: Attention customers… I need you all to evacuate the building. You’re all in grave danger!

No one pays attention to him. They just go about their business. Masked Bagger doesn’t know what to do.

Masked Bagger: I don’t know what to do.

Suddenly, The Powder shows up.

The Powder: I killed you!

Masked Bagger: You did. I’m all a part of your conscience, telling you to stop this snowfall. You don’t want to kill anymore.

The Powder: I don’t have a conscience.

Masked Bagger: Okay, fine. You didn’t kill me. You killed a clone of me. Now why’s your arm in a cast?

The Powder: It’s broken. I’m evil - not unbreakable.

Suddenly, Salt-Man comes out of nowhere and rams into Masked Bagger, knocking him against a wall.

Salt-Man: I’m betting *you’re* breakable though!

Masked Bagger: What?

Salt-Man: Your little prison couldn’t hold me for long!

Masked Bagger notices that Salt-Man has a big piece of duct tape on his chest, covering the slit he made earlier.

Masked Bagger: Haha, this looks ridiculous! I’m battling two damaged foes. I think instead of incarcerating you, when I win this fight, I’ll take you both to the damaged section on the back dock.

Salt-Man: You did this to me!

Masked Bagger: (joking) Really? I assumed you just had a bad surgeon, who was unable to sew you back up, so he just slapped some duct tape on the incision.

Salt-Man: The duct tape was my idea. I had to do something. Pellets kept falling out.

Masked Bagger: How’d you escape the prison?

Salt-Man: Let’s just say I did and leave it at that.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher picks up the phone receiver to make an announcement over the intercom to warn customers about the upcoming “snowfall.” However, his voice doesn’t carry over. Instead, Spill Magic pours out of the intercom speaker. Realizing that he can’t warn everybody at once, Tincher starts to panic. He leaves the office and enters the main floor. He spots Katie and Mickey walking by the deli.

Professor Tincher: Katie! Mickey! I need your help!

Mickey Tork: Sure. What is it, Chief?

Professor Tincher: You know how weird things happen in this store? So weird that we need to have our very own superhero?

Katie Collins: Uh, yeah, I’ve noticed.

Professor Tincher: Something bad is coming and everyone in the store will die. We have to evacuate the building. Poisonous Spill Magic is going to fall from the ceiling at any moment. If it touches you, it kills you. The intercom doesn’t work. Will you help me get everyone out?

Mickey Tork: Risk our lives for the customers?

Katie Collins: I’m down with that.

Professor Tincher: What does that mean, Katie?

Katie Collins: I’ll do it!

Professor Tincher: Great! Once we get everyone out, we’ll meet up in the parking lot. Good luck!

Tincher walks off.

Mickey Tork: Are you crazy, Katie? We might die!

Katie Collins: Not if we hurry up. I don’t want the deaths of all these people to be on my mind. Let’s split up. You take that half (she points to her right) and I’ll take this half. We could really use Adam’s help, too. Where is that guy?

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is backed into a corner. Both The Powder and Salt-Man are standing in front of him, ready to make their move.

Masked Bagger: It’s getting pretty crowded over here. Why don’t I just leave?

The Powder: I would be happy to make some more room by turning you into a pile of absorbant powder, but I don’t want you to be the first to go.

Salt-Man: Wait a second, Powder-Man. We’re NOT gonna kill him now?

The Powder: It’s just Powder, and of course not. I want him to deal with the deaths of many customers and co-workers first. Then, when he’s all sad and crying - pathetic - I’ll put him out of his sad little misery by…

Salt-Man: (interrupting) Spill Magic-ing him!

The Powder: No, you moron! I mean yes, but I don’t call it that.

Salt-Man: So what are we doing now?

The Powder: We can still rough him up a bit. And for the record, Masked Bagger, this is not an official team-up. It’s just a coincidence that you’re facing two villains at once.

Masked Bagger: (sarcastically) That makes me feel better.

Masked Bagger suddenly sprays Salt-Man in the eyes with the spray bottle. When the villain covers his eyes with his hands, the 717 Guardian punches him in the stomach - which, again, is a bag of salt pellets. It hurts Masked Bagger only.

Masked Bagger: OUCH! Why do I do the things I do?

The Powder: Because you’re not qualified for this job as the store superhero, and you’re over compensating to make up for it. As a result, you don’t think straight and do these idiotic things. Your sense of humor is also because you’re either ripping off Spider-Man or because you feel if you can still be funny in scary situations, that you have some small control over them.

Masked Bagger: That’s it.

The Powder: Yeah, I was raised by Tincher. I either analyze something or compare it to a comic book.

Masked Bagger: He totally does that!

CUT TO: Katie runs up to a woman.

Katie Collins: Imma need you to get out of here before you die and go to Hell!

Female Customer: (angry) Here we go! I don’t need to be preached to little lady. I’m shopping, not attending a church service!

Katie Collins: I ain’t preaching to you.

Female Customer: You either want to save my soul or want my money. Which is it?

Katie Collins: Neither.

Female Customer: Yeah right! You’re a pest. Now leave me alone!

Just then, Katie punches the woman in the face, which knocks her out. Katie picks her up and is going to drag her out of the store.

Katie Collins: Saving customers is gonna be tougher than I thought.

CUT TO: Mickey walks up to a male customer.

Mickey Tork: Hey, buddy. What’s say you leave before you end up as a pile of powder?

Male Customer: Can you snort it?

Mickey Tork: No, YOU’RE the pile of powder.

Male Customer: Do *I* get snorted?

Mickey Tork: Okay, I’m moving onto someone else now.

Mickey walks off, looking for another customer to save.

CUT TO: Tincher, Katie and Mickey meet up in the book isle.

Professor Tincher: Okay, none of us seem to have had any luck convincing customers to leave. So we’re moving onto plan B.

Mickey Tork: We get to leave?

Professor Tincher: No. Umbrellas! We pass out these umbrellas to all the customers. They’ll be fine as long as they cover their head with an umbrella.

Katie Collins: This store gets crazier every day.

CUT TO: Professor, Katie and Mickey run around the store handing all the customers umbrellas. While they all take them, not all agree to cover themselves with it.

CUT TO: Professor walks by and notices Masked Bagger on the floor. He’s conscious, but beat up.

Professor Tincher: Masked Bagger, are you okay?

Masked Bagger: I’ve been better. Salt-Man got loose. He and Powder - while not officially a team-up - worked together to take me down.

Professor Tincher: Let’s get you back to the basement. I’ve got that Spill Magic-Proof suit for you to wear.

Masked Bagger: Is everyone out?

Professor Tincher: Uh, no. The customers refuse to leave. The employees, however, all ran out before I could finish my sentence telling them to leave. Though Katie and Mickey are passing out umbrellas to the remaining customers.

Masked Bagger: What?

Professor Tincher: Let’s just get to the basement!

They head for the basement.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger suits up with his new absorbent powder-proof outfit. He looks ridiculous, but he lives in a world where looking ridiculous just may save his life.

Professor Tincher: I’ll be down here, watching you from the monitors. Good luck, my friend.

Masked Bagger: Thanks.

CUT TO: The snowfall has begun. The poisonous Spill Magic slowly falls from the ceiling as if it were snow falling from the sky. When Katie and Mickey notice it’s begun, they head for the exit and are both okay. Many of the customers are using their umbrellas. A few of the stubborn ones perish when touched by the poisonous powder. Hey, they should have done as they were told. Amazingly, those using their umbrellas are casually shopping. None of this is really phasing them. Of course, they’re unaware that once they get to the checkout, there will be a huge lineup and no cashier.

Masked Bagger - in his new suit, which looks like a black and gray hazmat suit - looks for The Powder. They both meet up at the front end. The Powder no longer wears the cast.

Masked Bagger: No cast for your arm?

The Powder: It healed. Why aren’t you dying?

Masked Bagger: Absorbent-Powder-Proof suit. I’m good to go.

The Powder: Let’s test this. Maybe the snowfall isn’t affecting you but direct contact from a bunch of Spill Magic at once will do the trick!

Powder extends his arms and shoots out some Spill Magic. It hits Masked Bagger but then falls onto the floor. His outfit is working.

Masked Bagger: If this were a movie, you and I would get some big, epic fight scene, but this is real life and I’m going to easily defeat you.

The Powder: Maybe, but at what cost? You look ridiculous in that outfit.

Just then, Powder swings his left arm and punches Masked Bagger in the face. This causes him to step back some and he retaliates with a punch as well, but Powder ducks, causing Masked Bagger to spin around a couple times.

The Powder: Let’s see if you are affected by THIS!

Powder kicks Masked Bagger in his, um, private area. OUCH!!! Bagger falls to his knees in pain. Powder laughs. Humiliated and in excruciating pain, Masked Bagger stands up.

Masked Bagger: Just so you super villains know, kicking me there only makes me stronger. It’s one of my super powers!

That’s not true, but he just wants to make sure the word gets around, so no one else tries it. Even though he’s nauseous from the pain, Masked Bagger has to put on a show and takes a swing at Powder, punching him in the face. He punches him two more times, finally feeling like he’s winning (and beginning to wonder if that kick-in-the-crotch-giving-him-strength line was actually true).

The Powder: Something’s not right.

Masked Bagger: Yeah, all this time I fear you and you’re not so tough!

The Spill Magic snowfall stops. Powder is exhausted and visibly weaker. Masked Bagger gives one final punch to the villain, knocking him to the floor. The 717 Guardian looks down. Powder is turning white - not flesh colored but snow white. Tincher walks over to them.

The Powder: Too much.

Masked Bagger: What’s too much?

The Powder: I extracted too much Spill Magic from my body to create this snowfall. Hospital. Get me to a hospital.

Our hero turns to Tincher.

Masked Bagger: Professor… hospital?

Professor Tincher: (to Powder) How does it feel to be weak?

The Powder: Dad… help me.

The Professor is conflicted. He doesn’t want to help the monster who killed (among others) M.B. However, it’s in Tincher’s nature to help out anybody in need.

The Powder: Please!

Just then, Powder loses the fight for his life and transforms into an actual pile of powder. Masked Bagger and Professor Tincher watch on in shock.

Masked Bagger: And that’s the end of The Powder.

Professor Tincher: Yes. Just like that… he’s gone.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is in the basement. He hears a noise coming from one of the cells. It’s Salt-Man.

Salt-Man: I’m not immune to that poison powder. I figured I’d be safe in here. Is it over?

Masked Bagger: Not yet.

Masked Bagger closes the cell door and locks it.

Masked Bagger: Now it’s over. And we’re working to make this cell stronger to hold you longer.

Salt-Man: This sucks!

CUT TO: Professor Tincher is sitting at his desk, staring at a framed picture of his family. Adam enters the office.

Adam Hauck: What’s that, Professor?

Professor Tincher: It’s a picture of my wife, my son and myself. I’ve had this on my desk for years now.

Adam Hauck: I guess I always just overlooked it. How do you feel?

Professor Tincher: I don’t know. I mean, I look at the happy family we once were, and I feel pain because I’m the only one left, and the others had such tragic ends.

Adam Hauck: I’m sorry we couldn’t save Bailey.

Professor Tincher: Bailey died six years ago. You were right about that. The guy we fought was not my son. At least I have closure now.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, but if we captured him, maybe you could have rehabilitated him, like you’re planning to try with the others.

Professor Tincher: It’s a nice thought to one day have Bailey back, but right now I just want to focus on what I do have: a good job, and a good friend, and wonderful memories of the family that used to be.

Tincher sets the framed picture of his family back on his desk.

Professor Tincher: If you don’t mind, Adam, I’d like to be alone.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, okay. I’ve got something else I have to do anyways.

Adam exits Tincher’s office. Tincher continues looking at the picture. Then he opens his drawer and pulls out another framed picture. It’s the one with Adam, M.B., Katie, Mickey and himself. He places it on the desk next to the other, then sits back in his chair and looks at the picture of his new “family” next to his old family.

CUT TO: Adam walks up to Katie, who’s in non-foods, putting away re-shops. He’s planning on asking her out on a date.

Adam Hauck: Katie, hi.

Katie Collins: Hey. What’s up?

Adam Hauck: Oh, nothing much. I mean now that Masked Bagger saved the store again.

Katie Collins: I know. He’s awesome.

Adam Hauck: Yep. He is. Listen, I was wondering if…

So nervous, Adam looks down at the shelf instead of Katie, and continues talking.

Adam Hauck: …you’d like to go out with me, sometime?

He looks over at her and she doesn’t look thrilled by the question, which makes Adam even more nervous and explains why he then throws in…

Adam Hauck: As friends, of course!

Katie Collins: As friends?

Just then, Hailie Morgan walks up to them. Adam turns around to act like he’s just there shopping. However, the shelf his face is level to is for adult diapers.

Hailie Morgan: Hi, Katie. What be up?

Katie Collins: Nothin’.

Adam Hauck: (to himself) She’s kinda being asked out.

Hailie grabs a product off the shelf.

Hailie Morgan: Well I have to give this to a customer. See ya later.

Katie Collins: Okay, bye.

Hailie walks off and Katie turns to Adam.

Katie Collins: You like to bowl, don’t you?

Adam Hauck: Yeah.

Katie Collins: We can go bowling then.

CUT TO: Adam is in his house with the song “You Can Call Me Al” by Paul Simon playing, while he dances around like a fool, overjoyed that he has a date with Katie coming up.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

"You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uq-gYOrU8bA

ISSUE #5. Meat-Grindin' Love

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Mickey Tork

Guest Starring:
Meat-Man alias Rob Jenkins [pictured below]
Kroger Devil [pictured below]
Bernie Boswell

ISSUE #5. Meat-Grindin’ Love

Originally Released on June 18th, 2013

And the Story Continues On…

Rob Jenkins, a meat department employee, is standing at the time clock. Katie Collins walks up to him and smiles.

Katie Collins: There you are, babe.

Rob Jenkins: (smiles) I’m here.

They both kiss on the lips.

Katie Collins: I love you.

Rob Jenkins: No more than I do you, sweet thing.

Suddenly, all of that goes away. It was a daydream of Rob’s. In reality, he stands at the time clock and Katie walks over towards him, and clocks in. He’s too nervous to do or say anything. He then watches as she walks away.

Rob Jenkins: (whispers) I love you.

Mickey starts to walk past Rob.

Rob Jenkins: Hey, Tork.

Mickey Tork: Yeah.

Rob Jenkins: Do you know if Katie has a boyfriend?

Mickey Tork: Well I don’t know about boyfriend, but she and Adam are becoming a thing. They went on a bowling date last night.

Rob looks upset.

CUT TO: Adam finishes bagging an order. Mickey returns from his break, and approaches him.

Mickey Tork: So how was your date?

Adam Hauck: It was great, but not officially a date.

Mickey Tork: Was it just the two of you?

Adam Hauck: Yes.

Mickey Tork: Did you both talk about your likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams, and get to know one another?

Adam Hauck: Yes. She wants to be a kindergarten teacher, and dislikes people who make fun of those with disabilities.

Mickey Tork: Did you pay?

Adam Hauck: Yes.

Mickey Tork: Did she put out?

Adam Hauck: No!

Mickey Tork: It was a date.

Professor Tincher walks up.

Professor Tincher: Guys, am I paying you to stand around and talk?

Mickey Tork: Adam was telling me about his date with Katie.

Professor Tincher: (interested) Ooh, details.

Adam Hauck: Okay. We went to the bowling alley.

Tork interrupts.

Mickey Tork: Which one?

Adam Hauck: Banta Bowling. We bowled four games and ate pizza at their little restaurant. There’s not much more to tell. We didn’t kiss or anything. In her mind, it was just a couple of friends hanging out. I will say this, however. I am full-fledged in love with Katie Nichole Collins.

CUT TO: A couple hours later. Adam and Katie are up front. She clocks out to go on a break. Adam finally gets the nerve to talk about their “date.”

Adam Hauck: So, did you have a good time bowling?

Katie Collins: Yeah. It was a lot of fun.

Adam Hauck: (smiles) Remember when we had to wait for the lanes, so we made reservations for Hauck? Fifteen minutes later, they called out “Hackett to the front desk.”

Katie Collins: Yeah, lol. We went up to the counter to see if they meant us, and they did.

Adam Hauck: Did you just say “lol”?

Katie Collins: Yeah, haha.

Adam Hauck: Well do you think you’d want to do it again, sometime? Bowling, that is, not say “lol”.

Katie Collins: Of course, Puddin’.

Adam Hauck: Great. Well just let me know when is best for you and we’ll go again.

Katie Collins: Okay.

Rob Jenkins is crouched behind a register, watching the two talk. He’s outraged that they’re both dating. That’s HIS woman.. Or so he feels. Just then, an announcement is made on the intercom.

Intercom Voice: Masked Bagger to the dairy. Masked Bagger to the dairy. Those birds are back, and attacking customers.

Adam Hauck: Well, I’ll see you, Katie.

Katie Collins: You gonna hide?

Adam Hauck: Um, no. I’m not the coward you seem to think I am.

Katie Collins: Well, see ya.

Katie walks off. Adam runs over to the bagger’s closet. Rob continues to watch. Suddenly Masked Bagger exits the closet. He runs off to the dairy.

Rob Jenkins: I don’t believe it. Adam Hauck is The Masked Bagger!

CUT TO: Rob Jenkins is in a dark room, with lit candles providing some light. Suddenly, the Kroger Devil appears.

Kroger Devil: How did you know to reach me?

Rob Jenkins: Please, I’m in the Kroger occult.

Kroger Devil: What is it that you want?

Rob Jenkins: If you’re really the Kroger Devil, then you already know what I want.

Kroger Devil: You have to say it first. That’s how it works.

Rob Jenkins: I want super powers so that I can take down Masked Bagger.

Kroger Devil: And why do you want to take down the beloved hero of 717?

Rob Jenkins: I know who he really is, and he’s dating my girlfriend. He needs to be dead.

Kroger Devil: And what do you think I can do for you?

Rob Jenkins: Please, I know you’re responsible for all the super villains in the store. There are no freak accidents here. You threw Beckett into the compost. You somehow turned Bailey Moore into The Powder. You made Dan Lewis become Salt-Man. Now I want you to do the same for me.

Kroger Devil: What do I get in return?

Rob Jenkins: What do you want?

Kroger Devil: Now that I think of it, you being in my army of evil will be enough. Others have failed. You must not.

Rob Jenkins: I will not fail, for I have right on my side. Masked Bagger will soon be known as “The Masked Corpse.”

Kroger Devil: I’m sure no one will ever call him that, even if you do succeed in killing him.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger hands a little girl back to her mother.

Masked Bagger: There you go, ma’am. Your daughter is safe now.

Mother: Thank you, Masked Bagger. You’re the greatest.

Masked Bagger: (humbled) I do what I can.

The proud hero of 717 walks off. He gets past the meat department when he hears a voice calling his name. He walks inside and looks around, but it’s empty. He turns around to leave but suddenly Meat-Man (formerly Rob Jenkins) is standing there. He punches Masked Bagger in the face, knocking him to the floor.

Meat-Man: You’re not so tough.

Masked Bagger: Oh, here we go. What’s *your* name?

Meat-Mean: What do you think my name is?

Masked Bagger: (gets up off the floor) Well, let’s see. You’re made up of raw meat, so is it Meat-Man?

Meat-Man: Precisely.

Masked Bagger: What do you want?

Meat-Man: I want to have a sale… Masked Bagger Cutlets, $2.99. The once proud hero of the store will soon be ground meat, packaged and sold to an unsuspecting customer.

Masked Bagger: $2.99 for me? I don’t think so. I’m worth at least five bucks!

Masked Bagger takes a swing at Meat-Man, punching him in the face. However, he gets raw meat on his knuckles.

Masked Bagger: Ugh, nasty!

Meat-Man: Haha, amateur!

Meat-Man takes out a meat cleaver and swings it at the 717 Guardian. Masked Bagger steps back and dodges what could have been a fatal slice.

Masked Bagger: I didn’t know we could use weapons. Lemme get out my…

Masked Bagger gets his spray bottle out and sprays Meat-Man in the eyes with the cleaner. While the villain is rubbing his eyes, our hero grabs the bag-gun, and aims it at him. However, Meat-Man notices what’s about to happen, and he swings the cleaver, knocking it out of Masked Bagger’s hand. It’s been destroyed.

Masked Bagger: You broke it! This isn’t over!

Unsure of how to capture the villain, Masked Bagger walks away, with plans of returning with a new bag-gun.

Meat-Man: A win for the Meat-Man, but now it’s time to step it up a notch.

CUT TO: A while later, Meat-Man gets on the intercom. Because his look and new persona don’t affect his voice, it simply sounds as if Rob Jenkins is making the page.

Meat-Man: (on intercom) Katie Collins to the meat department. Katie Collins to the meat department.

CUT TO: Katie enters the meat department.

Katie Collins: What you want, Rob?

She looks around but doesn’t see him. Suddenly, out of the cooler comes Meat-Man. She looks at him and is instantly scared.

Katie Collins: What is this?

Meat-Man: Welcome, my love.

CUT TO: Adam comes back inside from doing carts.

Adam Hauck: Hey, Mick, do you know where Katie is?

Mickey Tork: You mean besides your dreams?

Adam Hauck: Yes! She’s on carts now.

Mickey Tork: Uh, Jenkins paged her to the meat department a bit ago. I haven’t seen her since.

Remembering that Meat-Man’s voice sounded a lot like Rob Jenkins, a shiver goes down Adam’s spine. He runs off.

CUT TO: Adam runs into Tincher’s office.

Adam Hauck: Meat-Man has Katie!

Professor Tincher: Meat-Man? Is that a nickname for someone who’s very well endowed?

Adam Hauck: No, it’s a new super villain. His voice sounds like Rob Jenkins, but I’m not sure.

Professor Tincher: That would explain why no one has seen Rob in a while. I’ll check the monitors to see if I can locate them.

Adam Hauck: Okay but hurry. Who knows what that psycho will do?

Professor Tincher: You know, it’s funny. Last month, Jenkins was Employee of the Month. Now he’s a villain. When the spotlight of such an honor goes away, it can do crazy things to a person.

Adam Hauck: Monitors - NOW!

CUT TO: Meat-Man’s lair, under the meat department. Katie is sitting down, tied up to a chair.

Meat-Man: Will you go out with me?

Katie Collins: What? Ugh, no way!

Meat-Man: But we belong together.

Katie Collins: Imma need you to leave me alone.

Meat-Man: If I can’t have you… no one can!

Katie Collins: You really think you had a chance with me - looking like that?

Meat-Man: Well seeing as I’m quite deranged, of course I thought I had a chance. I mean who *wouldn’t* wanna get with this?

CUT TO: The break room. Mickey is sitting at a table. Bernie Boswell walks over and looks at all five tables. They’re all empty except for the one Mickey is at. Naturally, Bernie chooses to sit next to him.

Bernie Boswell: Hi there, Mickey.

Mickey Tork: Hi, Boswell. Say, there are four other tables to sit at. They’re all empty, too. Why sit next to me?

Bernie Boswell: I want the company.

Mickey Tork: We can still talk, sitting at different tables, though.

Bernie Boswell: Eh, I like this way better. Have you seen my usual break buddy Adam?

Mickey Tork: Not since he got off carts. I assumed he went to the restroom, but he never came back. That was a half hour ago.

Bernie Boswell: Well sometimes you just gotta sit there until it’s all out of your system. That can take a while.

Mickey Tork: Nasty! I’m eating. I don’t want to think about people going to the bathroom.

Bernie Boswell: Sorry. Hey, did you hear Rob Jenkins is in love with Katie Collins?

Mickey Tork: Really? Adam’s in love with her, too. I like Katie and all, but I don’t see why every guy has to fall for her.

Bernie Boswell: I hear ya. Personally, I go more for Debbie Garfield from floral.

Mickey Tork: She’s sixty-seven!

Bernie Boswell: Like a fine wine, she gets sexier with age.

Mickey Tork: (sarcastically) Yep, nothing sexier than old wine.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher and Masked Bagger are in the basement. Tincher is looking at the monitors. Masked Bagger is pacing around.

Masked Bagger: I can’t stand this. I feel so helpless. I have to do something! I’ll never forgive myself if something’s happened to her.

Professor Tincher: Simmer down, Adam. I’m doing this as fast as I can. I just don’t see them anywhere in the store. Unless…

Masked Bagger: Unless what?

Professor Tincher: It’s possible the Scrominians have built an underground lair.

Masked Bagger: Who?

Professor Tincher: The Scrominians. They’re an alien race who can build things incredibly fast. When I came to this store, there was no basement, but I hired them, and within the week, there was a basement. I wonder if they built more underground rooms.

Masked Bagger: Should I check under the meat department?

Professor Tincher: It’s worth a shot. After this, we should really go around and search the entire building for secret rooms and add them to the Kroger map.

Masked Bagger: Let’s save Katie first.

Masked Bagger leaves the basement.

Professor Tincher: I believe I said “after this.” Of course we’d save Katie first.

CUT TO: Meat-Man standing by, waiting for the masked hero to arrive.

Meat-Man: When is he getting here? What kind of a slow superhero does this store have?

Masked Bagger arrives.

Masked Bagger: “Slow” is *your* word, Meathead! I consider myself to be fashionably late. Actually, I just had a heck of a time finding this place. What, you couldn’t kidnap Katie and hold her hostage in the meat department?

Meat-Man: Not how I operate. Now, you want to save Katie Collins? Come and get her!

Masked Bagger looks ahead and sees Meat-Man has set up a small obstacle course for him to go through before reaching Katie. It’s filled with meat cleavers, knives, and raw meat on the floor, to make it slippery. He then looks at Katie. She’s tied up, and dangling over a giant meat grinder. She looks back at Masked Bagger with fear in her eyes.

Masked Bagger: I’m coming, Katie! Just hang on!

The magnificent man in a mask runs to save her. Suddenly, three meat cleavers are tossed in his direction. He dodges each of them. He runs a little further and a giant bone saw, standing upright, slides across the floor. Masked Bagger jumps out of the way. He continues walking when he slips on some raw meat on the floor. This turns out to have saved his life, because just as he fell, a big meat cleaver swung past where he would have been standing. He looks up and a set of knives fall from the ceiling. The hero rolls over and avoids getting stabbed. He then gets up and the obstacle course is over. Meat-Man pulls Masked Bagger aside.

Meat-Man: I know your secret.

Masked Bagger: What secret?

Meat-Man: I know who you really are.

Masked Bagger: Who’s that?

Meat-Man: Adam Hauck.

Masked Bagger: Um, no.

Meat-Man: Don’t lie to me. I thought you were better than that.

Masked Bagger: I’m not about to admit to who I am under the mask.

Meat-Man: I saw you, er, Adam that is, run into the bagger’s closet and YOU, The Masked Bagger, came out. Don’t worry. I won’t tell Katie your secret, or she’ll just love you even more.

Masked Bagger: She loves me?

Meat-Man: Well yeah. I mean she went out on a date with you.

Masked Bagger: As friends.

Meat-Man: As friends? You mean you two aren’t starting a relationship?

Masked Bagger: No.

Meat-Man: Then all of this was for nothing?

Masked Bagger: Yeah… but this isn’t.

Masked Bagger punches Meat-Man in the face. This time he’s wearing rubber gloves, so his hands don’t get messy. The villain falls over. He picks Meat-Man up by his jacket, and punches him again. The baddie falls back down. Just as Masked Bagger is about to do it again. Meat-Man hurls raw meat at him. It hits him in the face. As the hero is wiping it off, Meat-Man stands up. He pulls a wrapped pork loin from his pocket, and slaps Masked Bagger in the face as hard as he can. It hurts and momentarily stuns him.

Meat-Man: You and Katie may not be a couple, but I still have to kill you. I made a deal with a certain someone. I can’t *not* do this. After I kill you, I’ll finish off our girl, too.

The Monstrous Meat-Man pulls a meat cleaver out of his other pocket and lifts it over his head, about to swing it at The Masked Bagger. The hero, in a quick decision, takes out his spray bottle and aims it at the cleaver.

Meat-Man: What are you doing?

Masked Bagger: If that nasty thing is gonna touch me, I want to make sure it’s clean first. You can kill me, but at least let it be sanitary. I don’t ask for much, you know.

Meat-Man: That’s true. You don’t. Spray it.

Masked Bagger sprays the cleaver, then quickly sprays Meat-Man in the eyes, distracting him while the 717 Guardian then uses both fists to punch the villain in the stomach. As he falls to the floor, Meat-Man throws the cleaver in the air. When it comes back down, it heads for Meat-Man’s chest. Masked Bagger catches it with the blade just inches away from the villain’s body.

Masked Bagger: I saw a villain die not too long ago. That’s not my thing, but if you ever go near Katie again, you’re gonna get a whole lot more than this…

Masked Bagger gets out his new bag-gun and shoots Meat-Man with it, capturing him in the giant bag. The man in a mask runs over to Katie, who is still dangling over the meat grinder. Just then, the rope gives, and she falls. Masked Bagger runs and risks his life by jumping across the grinder, catching her in his arms, and landing on the other side. It was dangerous, but Adam would rather die trying to save Katie, than to live without her. She’s so grateful to him for saving her life, Katie kisses him on the cheek.

Katie Collins: Thanks, Puddin’.

Masked Bagger: Puddin’?

That’s what she calls Adam. He begins to wonder if she knows his true identity.

Katie Collins: Yeah. It’s just something I call people sometimes.

Masked Bagger: Oh, so you’re loose with the word “puddin’”? You shouldn’t be. When you say it, maybe a certain guy takes it to heart and thinks that’s his special nickname from you.

Katie Collins: Huh?

Masked Bagger: Nothing. Let’s get out of here.

CUT TO: The Kroger Devil is in his hideout.

Kroger Devil: Jenkins failed… just like I knew he would. He doesn’t have what it takes to defeat Masked Bagger. He was so pompous beckoning me, that I had to teach the moron a lesson. Don’t worry, Jenkins. I have my own plans for killing Masked Bagger. It’s all in the timing.

Kroger Devil’s pet snake, Jasper, slithers into the room.

Jasper the Snake: Are you talking to yourself again, Master?

Kroger Devil: Of course I am, you fool. Now slither on out of here and let me finish my monologue!

Jasper leaves the room.

Kroger Devil: (clears throat) I, uh, Tincher, or something. Great. Now I forgot what I was gonna say!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger walks down the stairs, dragging the bag with Meat-Man inside. Professor Tincher is sitting there.

Masked Bagger: You know, after battling Meat-Man, I’ve gotta say, I’m a vegetarian now.

Professor Tincher: Oh really?

Masked Bagger: Yup.

Tincher takes out a hot McDonald’s bag. Masked Bagger immediately looks at it.

Masked Bagger: What’s that?

Professor Tincher: It’s a Quarter Pounder with cheese, plain. Just the way you like it, if I remember correctly. I’d offer it to you, but that would be an insult. You are, after all, a vegetarian.

Masked Bagger: Can I have it?

Professor Tincher: What about being a vegetarian?

Masked Bagger: I just meant I won’t go out and hunt animals to eat. Uh, meat that’s already prepared for me, though, such as restaurant food, well, that’s a different thing. Now did you get any nuggets with that?

Professor Tincher: They’re called “McNuggets” and of course I did.

Masked Bagger: McGimme!

Masked Bagger snatches the bag of McDonald’s food from Tincher’s hand, and runs off with it. The professor laughs.

CUT TO: Up front. Adam is bagging when he sees Katie walk past. He leaves the order to go over to her and talk.

Adam Hauck: Hi Katie!

Katie Collins: Oh, what’s up?

Adam Hauck: Nothing with me. You had quite the adventure though.

Katie Collins: Yeah, I did. Good thing Masked Bagger was there to save me.

Adam Hauck: Yeah. Good thing.

Katie Collins: Well, peace out.

Katie walks away. Just then, Mickey Tork comes over and puts his arm around Adam. Adam is uncomfortable.

Adam Hauck: Why are you touching me?

Mickey Tork: Adam, Adam, Adam. You struck out with Katie.

Adam Hauck: What do you mean?

Mickey Tork: Katie wanted *you* to save her.

Adam Hauck: Why would I save her? We have an in-store superhero.

Mickey Tork: Doesn’t matter. She knows you like her. She was held hostage and you were nowhere to be found. You could have at least been there with Masked Bagger.

Adam Hauck: So she’s mad at me?

Mickey Tork: No, I don’t think so. Disappointed, maybe. You’re no longer a man in her eyes.

Adam Hauck: I was a man in her eyes? I never knew that!

Mickey Tork: Sorry.

Mickey walks away. Adam stands there, looking like he could cry.

Adam Hauck: I’ll never forget that kiss on the cheek she gave me. Oh well, I imagine things can’t get any worse.

CUT TO: The basement lab. Adam is down there. Professor Tincher enters.

Adam Hauck: Professor, when I incarcerated Meat-Man earlier, I noticed that we’re getting quite the collection of super villains: Meat-Man, Salt-Man, Pineapple-Man. Whoever comes up with these names really needs to get more creative.

Professor Tincher: Yeah.

Adam Hauck: You seem upset.

Professor Tincher: I have some bad news.

Adam Hauck: What?

Professor Tincher: I’ve been transferred. I have to leave 717.

Adam Hauck: What? Why?

Professor Tincher: Store managers get transferred all the time.

Adam Hauck: But you’re more than a store manager.

Professor Tincher: Not in the eyes of Kroger apparently. I was lucky to stay here as long as I have.

Adam Hauck: I guess I kinda thought you owned the building or corporate knows who you really are or something.

Professor Tincher: I made this store my home, but now it’s time to leave. I will work on a way to come back though. Until then, I’m gonna live with my brother, so all of my things can stay here. Hopefully I can get all this straightened out and return.

Adam Hauck: What am I gonna do without you?

Professor Tincher: You’ll be fine. I’ll come by from time to time to check up on you and see how you’re doing Masked Bagger-wise.

Adam Hauck: I’ll miss you. When are you leaving?

Professor Tincher: Right now.

Adam Hauck: Right now? No party or anything? No cake?

Professor Tincher: No. I don’t want to make a big deal out of this.

Adam Hauck: Well goodbye, Professor.

Professor Tincher: Goodbye, Adam.

They both hug.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

ISSUE #6. The New Manager

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Mickey Tork

Guest Starring:
Mr. Hyatt [pictured below]
Kroger Devil
Hailie Morgan
Bernie Boswell
Retro Masked Bagger [pictured below]

ISSUE #6. The New Manager

Originally Released on September 5th, 2013

Once Again, Our Story…

A strange man walks down a cold, dark hallway with a letter in his hand. Once he reaches the end of the hallway, he stops in front of a door, and opens it. Professor Tincher is inside the room, which resembles a dungeon greatly. There’s no furniture, and Tincher is sitting on the floor.

Strange Man: Here’s a letter for you, Tincher. You can read it, but you can’t respond to it.

Tincher is handed the letter and then the man turns around and leaves the room, closing the door behind him. The Professor opens the letter and reads it.

Dear Professor Tincher,

Adam here. It’s been over a month that you’ve been away and I miss you. You never come to visit. I thought you were gonna come to visit. I wish I wasn’t here anymore. The new boss, Mr. Hyatt, is a complete tool. Everyone hates him. We all want you back. Plus, I was driving the Bagger-Mobile, and it suddenly broke down in front of a bunch of customers. It made me look like an idiot. I kind of bounced forward outta my seat. Girls laughed. I was mortified. I don’t even know how to fix it. Who would I take it to, to get it fixed? I always assumed you were the chief mechanic for it. Well anyways, I’m sending you this letter because for some reason, you’re not responding to my texts and your Facebook page hasn’t been updated since you joined. Seriously, why even have a page on there if you’re not gonna update it?

Changes have been made. Hyatt has implemented a new e-schedule for the store. It’s terrible. No one likes it. I’m starting to think that the “e” in e-schedule stands for “evil.” Pretty sure that because our hours have been cut, Hyatt’s been given a raise, too. He made Mickey the store cleaner. Katie only works one day this week. She’s talking about quitting! Bernie Boswell has found religion - only it’s one he made up, Boswellity. That’s got nothing to do with the new boss, but I just had to tell you that! Crazy, huh? Rob Jenkins (Meat-Man) has asked for a conjugal visit from Katie. Of course, I said no.

Okay, well that’s it for now. I’ll talk to you later, hopefully. Take care.

Sincerely the Guardian of 717, Masked Bagger

Tincher sighs, wishing he could be back at his old store, and not in a cold dungeon.

CUT TO: Adam is doing re-shops. Mr. Hyatt walks over to him.

Mr. Hyatt: Are you making a career out of that?

Adam Hauck: Huh?

Mr. Hyatt: Hurry it up. I’ve got some more stuff for you to do after re-shops.

Adam Hauck: Okay.

Mr. Hyatt: Okay? Okay what?

Adam Hauck: Okay, SIR!

Mr. Hyatt: You’ve had an attitude problem ever since I came to this store.

Adam Hauck: (sarcastic) Hmm, I wonder if there’s any connection?

Mr. Hyatt: Watch it, Adam! You know, it’s not just me. I’ve had a couple customer complaints about you.

Adam Hauck: Sure, all the good things I do, not one customer gives a compliment. They’re all so quick to mention when I mess up though.

Mr. Hyatt: You need to be lovely to customers.

Adam Hauck: I am very lovely to customers. Most of them think I’m down right lovable!

Adam spots a woman with a big belly. He goes up to her.

Adam Hauck: Hello there ma’am. How’s your shopping experience at Kroger so far?

Woman: Just fine. Thanks for asking.

Adam Hauck: No problem. So when’s the baby due?

Woman: Baby? (angry) I’m not pregnant!

Adam Hauck: (scared) I’m sorry. I just assumed because of your big bel, uh, I mean you have this glow about you.

Woman: I gotta say my shopping experience just took a beating.

The woman walks away mad. Adam nervously turns to Mr. Hyatt.

Mr. Hyatt: Was that an example of your loveliness to customers?

Adam Hauck: Kinda.

Mr. Hyatt: Epic fail.

Suddenly, a giant bird-man swoops down and picks up a little 5-year-old girl with his claws and flies off with her. Adam looks at Hyatt, who doesn’t seem to care about what has just happened.

Adam Hauck: I gotta go… bag something!

Adam runs in the opposite direction of the bird in order to get to the bagger’s closet and change into The Masked Bagger.

Adam Hauck: (to himself) If only you gave me a morpher, Professor, I wouldn’t have to run to the bagger’s closet right now.

He enters the closet and then changes identities. As that magnificent man in a mask, he goes in search of the little girl and the big bird (not the one from Sesame Street). After a few moments, he spots them, takes out his cart strap and hurls it at the bird-man’s leg, hoping to connect to it.

CUT TO: The break room. Katie and Hailie are sitting together at a table, chatting.

Katie Collins: He’s great.

Hailie Morgan: Girl, that be sweet. Say how long have we been up here, anyway?

Katie Collins: (looks at cell phone) It’s just now been fifteen minutes.

Just then, Mr. Hyatt’s voice comes over the intercom.

Mr. Hyatt’s Voice: Katie Collins and Hailie Morgan to customer service. Your break is over. I repeat, your break is over.

Katie Collins: Ugh, I HATE Mr. Hyatt!

Hailie Morgan: Yeah, that weasel has nothing better to do than watch the time for our break.

Mickey Tork enters the break room with some cleaning supplies.

Mickey Tork: You girls better get moving. Mr. Hyatt doesn’t want to page you again.

Katie Collins: Are you his lackey?

Mickey Tork: No, but I respect the man. He’s done a great job here lately. Really turned the store around. I’m no longer a bagger, and that’s all thanks to my main man Hyatt.

Suddenly, the bird-man with the little girl still clutched in his claws, and Masked Bagger hanging on by a cart strap attached to its leg, flies into the break room. Hailie and Mickey scream. The bird-man flies in circles as he doesn’t see a way out.

Masked Bagger: (still attached to the bird-man) Hello everyone. How are you doing today?

Katie Collins: Okay.

Masked Bagger: Do me a favor and grab the girl.

Katie reaches up when the bird-man flies over her, and grabs the little girl, pulling her down. She’s safe.

Masked Bagger: Great work, Katie. Now take her downstairs to her mother.

Katie Collins: Don’t keep telling me what to do.

Masked Bagger: Fine, DON’T take the girl downstairs to her mother.

Katie Collins: Oh yeah? I’m taking this little girl down to her mother.

Katie and the girl go downstairs, while Hailie and Mickey hide in the corner. The bird-man, with Masked Bagger still hanging on, flies through the big window. Amazingly, it breaks through the glass, and makes it outside. The impact of the glass killed the bird, and it vanishes, leaving Masked Bagger up in the sky, about to fall to his death.

Masked Bagger: And to think, I almost called off today.

CUT TO: Back in Tincher’s dungeon. The strange man who handed him the letter returns. Tincher is asleep on the floor. The man kicks him in the ribs and wakes him up.

Professor Tincher: What do you want?

Strange Man: It’s time for revelations.

Professor Tincher: This a church service?

Strange Man: No. You’re going to find out what’s going on here.

Professor Tincher: What *is* going on here?

The “strange” man morphs into The Kroger Devil. Tincher is shocked, but he still doesn’t know who he’s looking at.

Professor Tincher: What the devil?

Kroger Devil: *Kroger* Devil to be exact.

Professor Tincher: Kroger Devil? So you’re not just a legend like many believe, but an actual entity.

Kroger Devil: You catch on fast. You and I go way back, and you don’t even know it. I’ve been around since the creation of Kroger itself.

Professor Tincher: Why am I here? What do you want with me?

Kroger Devil: Don’t ya want to hear my story?

Professor Tincher: Not particularly.

Kroger Devil: I had to get you away from 717 for a while so I could plant a new boss there. He’s evil. The only reason I’m keeping you alive is because I can use you for leverage to get at The Masked Bagger… and the thing is, I can keep you alive for years.

Professor Tincher: But he doesn’t know I’m here.

Kroger Devil: Oh but he will. I have a plan in motion, Tinchy.

Professor Tincher: If you’re so powerful, why do all of this just to get at him? Destroy him from where you’re standing right now.

Kroger Devil: You don’t know how things work, do you? I know I will win in the end. That is a fact. The fun is in the game. Screwing with people. Hurting people. It’s all part of my overall scheme for fun. I know how it ends. I’m just having a ball until then.

Professor Tincher: I am so stupid. I should have known something was up when I got transferred to Kroger store 666.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is laying dead on the Kroger parking lot. It was a good run that was sadly cut short.

NOT!!!

Masked Bagger was merely imagining what it would be like if he had hit the ground and died. In reality, he was inside the bird-men’s nest. One of them had swooped by and rescued him for reasons unknown to the 717 Guardian.

Masked Bagger: I’ve got to get back to the store. It’s time for Adam to take a break!

Masked Bagger slides down the pole, which is holding up the nest. Once he’s on the ground, he enters the store. He hears a page on the intercom.

Mr. Hyatt’s Voice: Masked Bagger to the manager’s office. Masked Bagger to the manager’s office.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger enters Mr. Hyatt’s office. Hyatt is sitting at his desk.

Masked Bagger: You wanted to see me, sir?

Mr. Hyatt: Yes I did, Mr. Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Please, no formalities. Just call me “Masked.”

Mr. Hyatt: I won’t be calling you anytime soon. You’re fired.

Masked Bagger: Fired? But why?

Mr. Hyatt: That weakling Tincher may have needed a superhero to keep him safe in this store, but I certainly do not. I can handle any problem that comes up all by myself. I gave you a secret trial period and you’re just not necessary. So thank you for your time here, but your services are no longer needed. Now be gone. If I see you on these premises again, I will call the cops and have you arrested.

Masked Bagger: With all due respect, you’re off your rocker.

Mr. Hyatt: How dare you say that to me?

Masked Bagger: What? I said “with all due respect.”

Mr. Hyatt: That doesn’t take away the sting of your insult. Remove your mask. I want to fire your secret identity, too!

Masked Bagger: No.

Mr. Hyatt: Do it!

Masked Bagger: You’re not my boss anymore, so you can’t order me to do anything.

Mr. Hyatt: Dang it. You got me there.

Masked Bagger slowly turns around, expecting Hyatt to shout or throw something at him. When he doesn’t, the former 717 Guardian walks out of Hyatt’s office. Hyatt then picks up the phone.

Mr. Hyatt: Let’s do this. Bring in the birds.

CUT TO: Adam is in the basement lab, packing up his Masked Bagger outfit.

Adam Hauck: (sighs) The end of an era. I know I can’t stop being Masked Bagger, but I don’t know how I can keep it going if the cops come to arrest me. I wish you were here right now, Professor.

CUT TO: Kroger store 666, Tincher’s dungeon. He’s laying there, staring off into nowhere. He hears a noise and looks over. Jasper the Snake slithers up next to Tincher.

Professor Tincher: (nervous) Hey there. What brings you my way?

Jasper the Snake: I’m here to help you.

Professor Tincher: Um, you’re talking!

Jasper the Snake: This is true.

Professor Tincher: Okay. I’ve officially slipped into a Disney dimension.

Jasper the Snake: Next time Kroger Devil enters, slice off his tail with this sword.

The snake rolls over, exposing a sword taped to his body. Tincher removes it and holds the sword in his hand.

Professor Tincher: Why his tail? I’ll just stab him in the heart.

Jasper the Snake: He doesn’t have a heart. Slicing the tail won’t kill him, but will render him helpless for a good ten minutes. That will be plenty of time for you to get out of this place and take back your store, which is currently being attacked by Hyatt and the bird-men.

CUT TO: Kroger 717 - all the customers are running around in a panic as the bird-men fly around the store, bullying them. It’s total chaos. Many of the employees have left the building and those remaining - including Katie, Mickey, Hailie, Bernie, and of course Adam - are being attacked by the bird-men. Adam fights some but then is slammed against a wall, hitting his head and is knocked out.

CUT TO: Tincher is sitting in the dungeon, hiding the sword behind his back. Kroger Devil enters.

Kroger Devil: It’s total chaos at good ol’ 717. I’m about to send word to your friend The Masked Bagger of your whereabouts. Anything else you want me to tell him?

Professor Tincher: No thanks…

Kroger Devil turns around to exit. Tincher quickly takes the sword and swings it at the evil freak, slicing his tail clean off. Kroger Devil drops to the floor and starts convulsing.

Professor Tincher: I’ll tell him myself!

Tincher runs out of the dungeon, and makes his way outside of the building - the first time in almost two months!

CUT TO: A room in the basement referred to as the cellar. Adam, Katie, Mickey, Hailie, and Bernie are all trapped inside a giant birdcage, hanging from the ceiling. Hyatt and the bird-men watch and laugh, thinking they’ve won.

Mr. Hyatt: You are the only ones left in the building. Everyone else has run off. Even your fearless hero. Yep, The Masked Bagger is history, and soon you fine employees will be joining him in being referred to in the past tense.

Adam Hauck: What are you going to do to us, Hyatt?

Mr. Hyatt: First I’ll insult your big belly by asking when the baby’s due. Then I’ll leave you all hanging there until each of you die of thirst. It will be a rather ugly sight, and will take around three days and lucky me, I have all the time to watch.

Katie Collins: The Masked Bagger ain’t history! He WILL come to rescue us. I believe that with all my heart!

Adam looks at her and is ashamed of himself, knowing that there’s no way The Masked Bagger can rescue them. Hailie then bangs her foot on one of the bars.

Hailie Morgan: Ouch! My toe be hurtin’.

Mickey Tork: Guys, I’m scared.

Bernie Boswell: How do you think *I* feel? My religion prohibits me from dying. Therefore I will literally be sitting in this cage with a bunch of dead bodies for the rest of time. And to think, my biggest problem before this was when they totally botched the DVD release of the first two seasons of “Baywatch”. I was such a fool before Boswellity.

Katie Collins: (sarcastically) Yeah, *before* Boswellity.

Professor Tincher enters Kroger 717, only to find it empty.

Professor Tincher: Hello. Is anybody here?

No response.

Professor Tincher: Is this an episode of “The Twilight Zone”? I thought there was a huge battle being fought here.

He heads for the basement, hoping to find Masked Bagger there. Once he arrives, Tincher finds the basement empty as well.

Professor Tincher: This can’t be happening. Where is everybody? Could it be that they’ve all… perished?

Tincher checks all the monitors, including one to the cellar. He sees what’s going on in there and becomes enraged - and happy, of course, to see them all alive. Professor Tincher goes to his closet, slides open the door, digs through some clothes until he finds his original Masked Bagger outfit. He pulls it out of the closet and looks at it.

Professor Tincher: It’s been a while, but it’s time to once again bag us a bad guy.

CUT TO: Back to the cellar. Hyatt is torturing the employees with his words.

Mr. Hyatt: Look at it this way, with all of you dead, you won’t have to deal with the pesky e-schedule, hahaha!

Mickey Tork: I’m starting to think you’re not a very good boss.

Mr. Hyatt: My job is to take down this store to the point where the employees become unhinged.

Adam Hauck: Who’s behind this? Who gave you that job?

Mr. Hyatt: That would be the Kroger Devil. Oh, and your old boss, Tincher, has been imprisoned for the past two months in the Kroger Devil’s lair. His transfer was all part of an evil scheme.

Adam Hauck: No!

Suddenly, The Masked Bagger enters the cellar. Only, it’s really Tincher in his old outfit and the sword, so the employees don’t immediately catch on to who he’s supposed to be.

Retro Masked Bagger: Release them, Hyatt!

Mr. Hyatt turns around to see the masked figure standing there.

Mr. Hyatt: Who are you supposed to be?

Retro Masked Bagger: I am The Masked Bagger!

Mr. Hyatt: You’re not The Masked Bagger.

Retro Masked Bagger: Oh but I am!

Mr. Hyatt: The Masked Bagger has brown hair… like Adam!

Hyatt points to Adam, making him nervous thinking everyone will suspect his true identity. No one does.

Retro Masked Bagger: I’m the Retro Masked Bagger. I’m kickin’ it old school today.

Mr. Hyatt: You’ve never carried a sword before.

Retro Masked Bagger: What, did you just read the history of The Masked Bagger online or something?

The sword disintegrates. Everyone - except Hyatt - look confused.

Mr. Hyatt: There. Now it will be a fair fight.

Retro Masked Bagger: I don’t understand.

Mr. Hyatt: I do, and now I know who you are… Professor Stan Tincher!

Adam Hauck: (to himself) Oh no, his secret is out. Brooke Montgomery is gonna die again!

Retro Masked Bagger: (to Hyatt) How do you know who I am?

Mr. Hyatt: I’m in on his plan, and you coming here with that sword confirmed your identity. Let’s fight!

Tincher punches Hyatt in the face, causing him to fall back a little. Hyatt then swings his own kind of punch by saying…

Mr. Hyatt: You gonna make a career outta that?

Those words hurts Tincher as if it was a physical punch. He falls back.

Mr. Hyatt: Is that all the work you’ve done today?

Again, it hurts Tincher like a punch to the face. He takes another swing at the villain, landing a blow to his jaw.

Mr. Hyatt: Ouch! But you’ll have to do better than that to defeat me. (he clears his throat) I’m scheduling you less hours, will call you up front to run a register every half hour, and still expect you to get more work done than usual!

This strikes Tincher like a gut punch. He doubles over in pain. Hyatt then kicks him in the face, and Tincher flies back and lands on his butt. As he lays there, four of the bird-men come over to him. Two each grab a hand, and the other two each grab a foot. The four fly away with the “Retro Masked Bagger.”

Mr. Hyatt: You can’t beat a manager. I screw you over and get a raise because of it!

CUT TO: The Kroger Devil in the dungeon. He has a tail again. Jasper the Snake slithers up to him.

Jasper the Snake: We did it, Master.

Kroger Devil: My tail grew back nicely. You did a good job with Tincher. He thinks he escaped on his own. Little does he know it was all part of my plan. Hahahahahahaha!

Jasper the Snake: Everything is funny to you, Master.

Kroger Devil: It’s all part of being evil. We laugh a lot.

CUT TO: The birds have Tincher (still in costume) in their big nest. He decides to trick them, knowing they love being evil.

Retro Masked Bagger: Excuse me, birds, but you’ve made a huge mistake. It is I - The Masked Bagger - who is taking over the store. I need your help in destroying it and Hyatt, the manager. Fly me back down and let’s attack that goody-goody Hyatt.

Bird-Man #1: I love that. Let’s go!

CUT TO: The cellar of 717. The employees are still in the giant cage. Hyatt is overjoyed, thinking he’s won.

Mr. Hyatt: I’m overjoyed! I won! The Kroger Devil will be so pleased to know his plan worked.

Very quietly, one of the bird-men heads over to the cage and unlocks it, freeing the hostages. They all slowly get out as not to cause attention to themselves. While the four stand by, Adam very quietly leaves the room and then runs over to the basement lab, and changes into The Masked Bagger. Back in the cellar, Tincher returns.

Retro Masked Bagger: I’m back. You can’t keep a good bagger down!

Adam’s Masked Bagger enters.

Masked Bagger: Or up. Because you were flown up by the birds.

Retro Masked Bagger: Exactly. So we finally meet. The Masked Bagger of the ‘90s and of today.

Masked Bagger: This is a special moment, but what’s say we kick some management butt!?!

Retro Masked Bagger: Sounds good to me.

Mr. Hyatt: This is an outrage! I fired you!

Masked Bagger: Turns out, you don’t have the authority for that.

The 717 Guardian lunges at Hyatt and punches him in the face five times. Everyone watches as their boss gets beat up. Masked Bagger grabs Hyatt by the collar of his shirt.

Masked Bagger: That was five punches. One for each of the employees you captured and planned to kill. Retro, reach into my holster and take out my bag-gun.

Retro Masked Bagger walks up to him and does as he’s instructed. Masked Bagger pushes Hyatt away from him.

Masked Bagger: Now!

Retro Masked Bagger shoots the bag-gun, which releases a giant Kroger bag, and captures Hyatt. The day is saved! Katie looks around.

Katie Collins: Hey, Adam’s gone. I’m getting real sick of this cowardly bit. He’s gotta man up.

Masked Bagger: Okay first of all, Adam came and got me. I told him to stay there. Secondly, “man up”? What, did he get you pregnant and now won’t help out with the baby or something?

Katie Collins: Imma need you to chill.

CUT TO: The staff are throwing Tincher a “Welcome Back” party in his office. This includes Adam, Katie, Mickey, Hailie, Bernie and of course, Tincher.

Professor Tincher: This is great, guys. Thank you. A couple of announcements. First up, the e-schedule is out of here, and secondly, Katie, you’ll go back to getting forty hours a week, so you won’t have to quit Kroger.

Katie Collins: Sweet. Thanks.

Mickey Tork: We’re glad to have you back, Chief.

Katie Collins: I thought you loved Mr. Hyatt so much, Mick.

Mickey Tork: I just liked being the cleaner. I was more mobile than the average bagger.

Professor Tincher: You can remain being the cleaner, Mickey.

Mickey Tork: Thanks, Mr. T.

Professor Tincher: You’re welcome, and I pity the fool who makes a big mess for you.

No one gets Tincher’s reference to Mister T except for Adam, who just didn’t find it funny.

CUT TO: A little bit later, after the party. Adam and Professor Tincher are in the basement lab.

Adam Hauck: Here we are, together again. It’s great. I didn’t realize quite how much you meant to me until you were gone. I’d say more but I don’t like to get all sappy.

Professor Tincher: Family and friends are important. So I’ve decided to introduce you to the teleporter. With this, you will be able to travel back home. You just set in an amount of time and it will send you home and bring you back all within the time you entered.

Adam Hauck: Uh, thanks Professor, but I already discovered this a while ago. I’ve been going home every Tuesday for months now. I mean, I have to bowl with my friends.

Professor Tincher: Don’t they ask you all sorts of Masked Bagger questions?

Adam Hauck: No. I never told my friends and co-workers about the dimension traveling. They all think I just went to 3rd shift. So my original goodbye to them was because I would be asleep while they’re awake, thus barely seeing each other again.

Professor Tincher: Hmm, well then.

Adam Hauck: Say, how come you never started the e-schedule?

Professor Tincher: I think it’s a terrible idea, and you would have to be a buffoon to start it. The staff morale is important, and I always knew e-schedule would destroy the morale in the store. Like I say, I’ll be getting rid of it.

Adam Hauck: Awesome. It’s great to have you back, Professor. The store wasn’t the same without you.

Professor Tincher: Thank you, Adam. It’s great to be back. “Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home.”

Adam Hauck: “Wizard of Oz.” right?

Professor Tincher: Actually it’s from the song “Home! Sweet! Home!” written by John Howard Payne in 1822.

Adam Hauck: Wow. Knowledge of something other than comics. I’m impressed.

Professor Tincher: Don’t be. I just looked it up on the internet a little bit ago, and was hoping to use it. Oh, I almost forgot to mention. The Masked Bagger is officially rehired.

Adam Hauck: Great! Uh-oh. My spider-sense is tingling.

Professor Tincher: You don’t have “spider-sense.”

Adam Hauck: Well then what *is* that?

Professor Tincher: There’s an actual spider crawling on your head!

Adam screams and runs off. Tincher watches in amazement as the crazy guardian of 717 acts like a cowardly maniac.

Professor Tincher: (smiles) Yep. I definitely missed this place.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

On the next page will be more Masked Bagger goodness, with the last four episodes of the first season (each season is ten episodes). Enjoy! And feel free to comment.

ISSUE #7. Unrequited Love... Requited

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck (31 years-old)
Professor Tincher (46 years-old)
Katie Collins (21 years-old)
Mickey Tork (20 years-old)

Guest Starring:
Cutter Magee [pictured below]
Debbie Garfield [pictured below]
Bernie Boswell
Hailie Morgan

ISSUE #7. Unrequited Love… Requited

Originally Released on November 5th, 2013

And Now, Our Story…

Masked Bagger is standing in the back hallway, cautiously looking around.

Masked Bagger: Where are you Cutter? Show yourself!

Suddenly, Cutter Magee races into sight, riding a hand-jack. He slams into Masked Bagger, causing him to fly in the air and land on the concrete floor.

Cutter Magee: Here I am! As you requested!

Masked Bagger: Thanks. Now where is she?

Cutter Magee: Who would that be?

Masked Bagger: Don’t play games, Magee! Your hostage. Where are you keeping her?

Cutter Magee: I don’t want to tell you yet. You and I are having some fun! Now, on guard!

Cutter Magee steps off the jack, and takes out his box cutter (which he is named after). He holds it out like a sword and wants to duel Masked Bagger. The 717 Guardian takes out a box cutter of his own.

Masked Bagger: Let’s do this!

Cling! Clang! Both men duel with their box cutters. Masked Bagger doesn’t really know how to - but he’s been getting lucky so far. Cling! Cling! Clang! Cutter Magee swipes his weapon, and cuts Masked Bagger’s arm.

Cutter Magee: Ha-ha!

Masked Bagger: Just a jacket wound. I’m unharmed.

They both look at the bagger’s arm, and suddenly it starts to bleed.

Masked Bagger: Okay, I spoke too soon. Never mind me. Where’s the girl?

Cutter Magee: Look up.

The 717 Guardian looks up and sees the kidnapped girl strapped to the ceiling. She’s filled with fear. Cutter Magee gets back on the hand-jack.

Cutter Magee: She’s set to be released from the ceiling any moment now. I doubt she’d survive the fall, so save the girl, or chase after me. Which do you choose?

Cutter speeds off on his hand-jack. Masked Bagger looks up at the girl. He chooses to save her. The girl is in her mid-twenties, and is beautiful. This is, after all, a superhero story.

Masked Bagger: Hang tight. I’m coming to get you.

CUT TO: Adam is sitting alone in the break room. He is terribly depressed. Debbie Garfield, the floral head, enters the room.

Debbie Garfield: Oh, sweetie, you look miserable!

Adam Hauck: I am.

Debbie Garfield: Care to talk about it?

Adam Hauck: It’s my, uh, love life… or lack thereof.

Debbie Garfield: Oh, honey pie, my love life is lacking these days, too.

Adam Hauck: Uh-huh, well I’ve never had a love life, and the girl I’m currently in love with doesn’t seem to want me.

Debbie Garfield: That’s a shame. You’re a good looking young man. I can’t imagine you having much trouble getting a girl.

Adam Hauck: Girls just aren’t attracted to me.

Debbie Garfield: I’m sure that isn’t true. If I was younger, I would be all over you. You wouldn’t be able to escape my slobbery kisses.

Adam Hauck: Well thank you for that disturbing image, but I’m afraid a girl loving me back just isn’t in the cards for me. It’s okay. I’m getting used to the loneliness.

Adam gets up and walks out of the break room. Debbie looks sad as he walks off. She then starts to talk to herself.

Debbie Garfield: Yep, sure is a shame. I think something needs to be done about this.

Bernie Boswell enters, holding a magazine about guns, and his face lights up as he sees his crush, Debbie, sitting there.

Bernie Boswell: Debbie, hi.

Debbie Garfield: Hello, sugar.

Bernie Boswell: I’m not gonna lie to you. My body aches with desire just thinking about you. I suspect you ache as well. We could cut the sexual tension in this room with a knife.

Cutter Magee appears.

Cutter Magee: How about a box cutter?

Bernie Boswell: No, it’s gotta be like a big knife.

Bernie suddenly realizes who he’s talking to, and gets nervous. He holds up the gun magazine as if it were a weapon.

Bernie Boswell: I’ve got this gun magazine, and I’m not afraid to use it… paper cut the hell outta you!

Cutter Magee: BOO!!

Bernie gives out a high pitched scream. Adam is already on his way to the front, but hears Bernie’s scream and runs back up, unnoticed by anyone in the room. He sees the villain and sneaks off to change identities. When Masked Bagger enters, he finds Bernie Boswell in just his underwear, about to pull them down.

Masked Bagger: WHAT in the world is going on here?

Bernie Boswell: I figured this box cutter villain would kill either or both of us, and I didn’t want to die without having done the deed with Debbie.

Masked Bagger: Cutter, why didn’t you stop it?

Cutter Magee: I was intrigued. I wanted to watch this.

Masked Bagger: And Debbie?

Debbie Garfield: Like I was telling Adam, my love life has been lacking these days.

Masked Bagger: (to himself) Why do I save these people?

Suddenly, Masked Bagger whips out his… bag-gun, and shoots Cutter Magee. He’s captured. The hero walks over to him, grabs the bagged foe, and heads for the basement. Bernie and Debbie look at each other.

Bernie Boswell: Should we?

Debbie Garfield: Now that our lives aren’t in danger, it just seems weird.

Bernie Boswell: Yeah. With all the crazy characters in this store, I’m sure our lives will be on the line again. We’ll have plenty of chances.

CUT TO: The basement lab. Adam is sitting there, wearing his Masked Bagger outfit, minus the mask. Professor Tincher enters from the jail area.

Professor Tincher: Well Cutter is incarcerated. Great job, Adam.

Adam Hauck: Thanks. I wish getting Katie to love me was as simple as capturing a villain.

Professor Tincher: Adam, you have to move on. You and Katie are not going to happen. There’s no chance in any Earth level for you two. There are so many other girls out there. Pick one you actually have a chance with. I’m gonna say it… lower your standards.

Adam Hauck: Okay for the record, I’m *not* a fan of brutal honesty.

Professor Tincher: That was my sugar-coated version, but seriously, you’ve been here for around nine months. She’s aware you like her, but doesn’t seem to return those feelings. I’m sorry. Move on.

Adam Hauck: I can’t. I love her so much.

CUT TO: Adam is bagging for a customer. Katie walks up to him.

Katie Collins: Adam, can we talk?

Adam Hauck: Yeah, of course. Let’s go to the bagger’s closet.

Adam stops bagging mid-order, and the two walk to the bagger’s closet. The customer looks mad, but they’re just going to have to get over it. They don’t know how much Adam loves Katie.

Katie Collins: Adam, I was thinking, and I want to be with you.

Adam Hauck: In what sense?

Katie Collins: In a romantic sense.

Adam Hauck: You wanna be my girlfriend!?!

Katie Collins: Yeah.

Adam Hauck: I don’t believe this! I want to be with you, too!

Katie Collins: (smiles) Yeah, I kinda knew that.

Adam Hauck: This is amazing!

Katie Collins: Sure is, Puddin’.

Adam Hauck: And you called me Puddin’. I love it when you call me Puddin’. I’ve got to come up with a girlfriend name for you. How about Princess? You’re my Princess.

Katie Collins: I love it.

Adam Hauck: I love you.

They hug. Adam finally has Katie Collins as his girlfriend. All is right with the world.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is in front of the deli, battling some bird-men. However, he’s doing a lot more dodging and coming off like a coward. He’s playing it safe, and the fight, which would normally last a couple minutes, ends up taking twenty. Professor Tincher is watching on the monitors, and is upset by it.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger enters the basement lab. He removes his mask, and heads over to the Professor.

Professor Tincher: What was with THAT fight?

Adam Hauck: Now that I’m with Katie, I have a reason to live. I can’t risk my life anymore. I’m also thinking about telling her that I’m The Masked Bagger. I don’t want to keep any secrets from her.

Professor Tincher: You can’t tell her!

Adam Hauck: What’s the harm? I mean, I know what happened to you in the past was horrible, but this is different. We can’t build a life together if I keep my alter ego from her. Plus, she’d freak out if she didn’t know I’m The Masked Bagger, and then she has my baby and he’s born wearing a mask.

Professor Tincher: Sometimes I can’t tell if you’re playing dumb or actually being stupid. Obviously, your son won’t come into the world with a mask on his face. That’s ridiculous.

Adam Hauck: And so is not telling Katie the truth. I have to.

Professor Tincher: You’re making a mistake. I can’t stop you, but I can warn you.

Adam Hauck: Like you said, you can’t stop me. I just wonder how I should reveal it to her. Maybe dressed as The Masked Bagger, I walk up to her and give her a big passionate kiss. Then when it’s over, she’ll say something like “That was great. Best I ever had. But I’m in a relationship with Adam.” Then I would remove my mask, flash her my award winning smile, and say “Then it’s a good thing I *am* Adam.”

Tincher looks at Adam like he’s crazy.

Professor Tincher: Really, you’ve actually won an award for your smile?

Adam Hauck: Yes I did, and it didn’t feel good because it was from some classmates, and was actually for “Ugliest Smile,” but that still counts as “award winning.”

CUT TO: Adam opens the door to his home, and lets Katie walk in first. He follows behind her.

Adam Hauck: So this is it. This is where I live.

Katie Collins: It’s nice.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, I like it. Of course I like it a lot better with you here. It’s like you belong here.

Katie Collins: I feel like I do.

Adam Hauck: Katie, I have something to tell you. Um, I was kind of planning a different way to do this, but I think I’ll just tell you.

Katie Collins: What?

Adam Hauck: Uh, well, I don’t want to keep any secrets from you, and I have to say it. I have a big one. A really big one.

Katie Collins: (smiles naughtily) You do?

Adam Hauck: Yes. I have a really big secret.

Katie Collins: Oh, the *secret* is big. I misunderstood you.

Adam Hauck: Okay, well, um, here goes. I don’t lead a normal life. I mean, they’ve made cartoons and movies about the kind of things I do on a daily basis. You see when I first came to store 717, it was to be more than just a guy who bags groceries and get carts.

Katie Collins: I don’t get it.

Adam Hauck: That’s because you interrupted me. I wasn’t done yet.

Katie Collins: Sorry, ha-ha.

Adam Hauck: You know what, I’ll tell you later. It can wait. No need to jump right into the secret. So what do you want to do? I have a bedroom over there with a big bed in it. Hint, hint.

Katie Collins: I’m gonna need you to dance with me. Then, we’ll see.

Adam Hauck: Oh, yeah. Sounds good.

Adam takes his remote control and turns the TV to the Oldies channel. The Association’s “Everything That Touches You” plays. Adam and Katie embrace each other and dance to the music. Although Adam is loving it, he isn’t as happy as he thought he’d be.

('Everything That Touches You' by The Association) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4I3p7aKzbc

CUT TO: Adam is in Professor Tincher’s office.

Adam Hauck: I haven’t told Katie yet. I’m waiting for the right time. I think she needs to know more about me before I reveal the big secret.

Professor Tincher: Well I’m glad you haven’t told her yet, but I must again advise you to not ever tell her.

Adam Hauck: There’s just one minor thing bugging me.

Professor Tincher: What’s that?

Adam Hauck: I finally have the woman of my dreams, so why am I not completely happy?

Professor Tincher: *She’s* the woman of your dreams?

Adam Hauck: What’s wrong with Katie?

Professor Tincher: Nothing. She’s a lovely woman. It’s just I don’t see you two together. I mean, for one, there’s an age difference.

Adam Hauck: Not a problem for us, so it shouldn’t be a problem for anyone else.

Professor Tincher: You know what? You’re right. As long as you two are in love, that’s all that matters. I guess I’m happy for you, Adam.

Adam Hauck: Well thanks, Professor. So far you’re the only one accepting of our relationship. Why can’t they just be happy that after thirty-one lonely years, I finally got the girl?

Professor Tincher: Come on, Adam. You have to admit, it looks a little strange. I mean no one ever thought you two would get together. I don’t think anyone even entertained the possibility of it happening.

Mickey Tork walks in. He sees the two talking, and is curious.

Mickey Tork: So what are you guys talking about?

Adam Hauck: My girlfriend, and how no one is happy for me.

Mickey Tork: Look, no offense, but the two of you are considered a freak show. Again, no offense.

Adam Hauck: Why? I don’t get it. She’s sexy. I’m sexy. We’re the sexy couple of the store.

Mickey Tork: Doesn’t the age difference bother you?

Adam Hauck: No way! I’m in love… no wait. I can finally say *we’re* in love. The age thing doesn’t bother us. Nor should it bother anyone else.

Mickey Tork: But Adam, ewwe!

Adam Hauck: Listen, I appreciate the concern, but it’s not needed. The two of us are very happy together.

Professor Tincher: I thought you said you weren’t completely happy?

Adam Hauck: Well I’m taking it back. We are very happy. And you know what, Mickey, I think you’re just jealous that she’s with me, and not you.

Mickey Tork: Again Adam, ewwe!

CUT TO: Tincher’s office. Adam, Mickey, Bernie, and Hailie all walk in. Tincher is at his desk. He looks bothered.

Hailie Morgan: Yo, why you be calling us in here? I be needin’ to know why you done called us in here.

Professor Tincher: I’m afraid I have some unsettling news. Katie Collins…

Adam Hauck: Here we go.

Professor Tincher: …is in a coma.

Everybody is shocked, especially Adam.

Adam Hauck: What happened? How did this happen? I don’t get it!

Professor Tincher: On her vacation, she just fell ill. Doctors can’t explain it. They don’t know if she’s gonna… well, let’s just hope and pray for the best.

Adam Hauck: Vacation? When was she on vacation?

Hailie Morgan: Katie be on vacation all this week.

Adam Hauck: No. It can’t be.

Mickey Tork: No, really. She’s on vacation this week.

Adam rushes out of the office and walks the floors of Kroger, confused and scared out of his mind. He bumps into - of all people - Katie.

Katie Collins: There you are, Puddin’.

Adam Hauck: Thank God! You’re alive! I was told you were in a coma. You’d better get in the office and tell Tincher and the others that it’s not true.

Katie Collins: I have a confession. I’m not Katie.

Adam Hauck: What do you mean you’re not Katie?!

Suddenly, Adam is able to see what everyone else has seen all along. It’s actually Debbie Garfield - not Katie.

Debbie Garfield: Not the official Katie, anyways. I can *be* Katie though, like I have been this past week.

Adam Hauck: Why?

Debbie Garfield: I could sense how much you love her, and that love is unrequited. Makes me so sad to see unrequited love. It’s my super power to morph into the girl and be there for the man.

Adam Hauck: Wait, I never told you I was in love with Katie.

Debbie Garfield: I could sense who it was, so I became her… for you.

Adam Hauck: But Katie was in a coma, and I wasn’t at the hospital with her, waiting for her to wake up. I thought she was here and in love with me.

Debbie Garfield: Don’t get mad, but I’m kind of responsible for her grave condition. When I morph into someone, it drains their energy.

Adam Hauck: What if we were together for a month?

Debbie Garfield: Oh she’d be dead by the end of this week. But think about what that puts on me, having to find new ways to keep you from discovering her death.

Adam Hauck: I don’t believe this! And not only me, but you’d have to keep her death from everyone else.

Debbie Garfield: Not really. They see me as me. They always have.

Adam thinks for a moment. He gets it.

Adam Hauck: So THAT’S why everyone has been acting the way they have. They think I fell in love with YOU! But wait, I’ve been saying Katie all along.

Debbie Garfield: Now *that* I had some control over. I made it so every time you said “Katie” they would hear “Debbie.”

Adam Hauck: What about Facebook? I updated my relationship status. Now there I listed Katie Collins.

Debbie Garfield: No, you didn’t, sweetie pie. It says you’re in a relationship with Debbie Garfield. On a subconscious level, you knew it was me you were dating. So when you went to post that, you automatically typed in my name.

Adam Hauck: So that’s why I wasn’t totally happy. Some part of my brain knew I wasn’t with the one I love, and that it was all a lie.

Debbie Garfield: Yeah. So now that you know the truth… are we breaking up?

Adam Hauck: UH, YEAH!

Bernie jumps in from out of nowhere.

Bernie Boswell: YES! This disaster of a relationship is over! Now I get to play the part of the rebound. Debbie, my room tonight. We will make magic together. Now, yes, I still live with my parents. I hope that’s not going to be a problem. If it is, I will ask them to put their hands over their ears, so they won’t hear all the noises coming out of my room.

Adam Hauck: Well that’s my cue to leave.

He does.

CUT TO: Adam and Tincher are in the basement.

Adam Hauck: I feel like a fool.

Professor Tincher: Don’t. Now that I know what was really going on, it’s kind of amusing. You and Debbie, that is.

Adam Hauck: (sarcastically) Yes, I can barely contain my laughter.

Professor Tincher: Adam, you have to bag Debbie Garfield.

Adam Hauck: You don’t know how close it came to that.

Professor Tincher: No, I mean she’s a super villain. You have to become The Masked Bagger, bag her, bring her down here, and I’ll incarcerate her.

Adam Hauck: But she’s Debbie Garfield. She’s not out to hurt anybody. She could sense I love Katie, and tried to help. True, it just made things worse, but her heart was in the right place.

Professor Tincher: Did you forget that Katie almost died because of her?

Adam Hauck: Yes I did. It’s bagging time! How do you like that as my catchphrase?

Professor Tincher: Kinda corny. Not a fan of it.

Adam Hauck: (angry) Well then YOU come up with a catchphrase. I can’t bag villains, date Katie impostors AND come up with a catchphrase!

Adam storms out.

CUT TO: The Masked Bagger walks over to floral, where Debbie Garfield is.

Masked Bagger: I’m sorry, Debbie, but you’re coming with me.

Debbie Garfield: Why, may I ask?

Masked Bagger: You almost killed Katie Collins, and don’t seem to have any remorse about it.

Debbie Garfield: But I didn’t kill her. This is insane. Don’t I even get a trial. This is America!

Masked Bagger: No, this is Kroger.

Debbie Garfield: But I didn’t mean any harm. Yes, I was aware I was causing it, but that wasn’t my intention. I was just trying to make Adam happy.

Masked Bagger: By killing Katie?

Debbie Garfield: I have no control over what happens to people when I morph into them.

Masked Bagger: I tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna let you go. You will take an early retirement, and leave Kroger immediately. I never want to see you in here again. I will be monitoring you, and if you ever use your powers again, I will track you down, and incarcerate you in the Kroger basement prison. Is that understood?

Debbie Garfield: Yes, and might I say I love a man who tells me what to do. It’s what people refer to as a “turn on.”

Masked Bagger: Get outta Kroger, Debbie. Now!

Debbie grabs her purse, and walks out of floral, and then exits the main door to the building. Masked Bagger watches her leave and quietly says to himself…

Masked Bagger: And thanks for the dance.

He starts to hear Everything That Touches You in his head, remembering his dance with “Katie.”

CUT TO: A few days later. Katie walks into Kroger. Mickey, Tincher, Hailie and Bernie are all up front awaiting her arrival.

Professor Tincher: Welcome Back, Katie. How are you feeling?

Katie Collins: Better, obviously. Still a little weird, but I should be fine.

Professor Tincher: Don’t ever scare us like that again.

Mickey Tork: Glad you’re okay. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you bagging by my side, to help keep me sane at this job.

Katie Collins: I love you, Mick.

They both hug.

Hailie Morgan: Girl, you done scared us. I be like “Katie-Girl in a coma? No way!” You my sis. Don’t be getting into no comas again.

Katie Collins: I won’t, Hailie.

Bernie Boswell: Well it’s stupid of you to promise that you won’t get into a coma again. You never know what’ll happen. Things could be out of your control.

Katie Collins: Did you at least miss me while I was away?

Bernie Boswell: Of course. Give Bernie a hug.

Katie Collins: Is “no” an option?

Bernie Boswell: If you wanna be like every other girl, then sure.

Katie Collins: I wanna be like every other girl.

Adam walks up. Both Katie and he look at one another. The others decide to leave the two alone, so they walk away.

Adam Hauck: So, um, how was your vacation?

Katie Collins: I was in a coma.

Adam Hauck: So… restful?

Katie Collins: I’m done talking to you.

Adam Hauck: Listen, I had no idea what was going on. I thought you were here. I thought you… loved me.

Katie Collins: Me and you are friends. That’s all. I love my boyfriend.

Adam Hauck: You have a boyfriend?

Katie Collins: Yep. We’ve only been going out for a couple weeks, but we’ve known each other for a few months. He went with me on vacation, and we live together.

Adam Hauck: “Live together” as in the same house, or are you speaking of like you both live together in the same state?

Katie Collins: The same house. We share a bed.

Adam Hauck: Bunk beds by any chance? Like you’re on the top and he’s on the bottom?

Katie Collins: (jokingly) Oh I’m on top alright, but we’re not on bunk beds.

Adam quickly puts his fingers in his ears.

Adam Hauck: La la la la la… I can’t hear you… la la la!

He takes them out.

Katie Collins: Adam, you’re insane.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, I get it. I’m insane sometimes… but then there are other times when I’m totally sane.

Katie Collins: Huh?

Adam Hauck: I don’t know. I thought it would sound meaningful or something, but it just sounded dumb.

Katie Collins: Are you glad I’m back?

Adam Hauck: Oh yes. I’m very glad you’re back. I’ll take the real Katie, who's cold to me, over a fake one who’s all over me, any day.

Katie Collins: That’s… kinda creepy.

Adam Hauck: I get that word a lot, but I mean well.

Katie Collins: I’m sure you do, Puddin’.

CUT TO: Adam goes out the front door. Standing out there are Professor Tincher, Mickey Tork and Bernie Boswell.

Mickey Tork: I’m sorry about Katie. Let’s drown your sorrows in some beer. We’ll have a guy’s night out or something.

Adam Hauck: Thanks, but I don’t drink. Plus I think I want to be alone.

Bernie Boswell: You have the rest of your life to be alone. Besides, this isn’t just for you. All of us are hurting right now. I just found out that Debbie has retired. I may never see her again.

Mickey Tork: Yeah, the girl I’ve been chasing for the past two weeks, told me she only likes fat guys. So I need to drink all the beer I can to gain weight.

Professor Tincher: Today would have been Bailey’s birthday. So I’m feeling kind of sad.

Adam Hauck: You know what? Okay. Why don’t we go bowling? Banta Bowling is having a dollar day special going on right now. Plus, the beer is free… to anyone with a 300 game.

Bernie Boswell: Oh yeah! In addition to that, the lady who runs the little restaurant is a hottie.

Professor Tincher: Wait, I know her. She’s got to be at least seventy-six years old.

Bernie Boswell: Yeah! Do I need to give the whole sexy fine wine metaphor again?

Mickey Tork: No. Never again, please.

The four Kroger men walk away, chatting and being witty.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

ISSUE #8. Carts Ahoy!

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Mickey Tork

Guest Starring:
Cartastrophe [pictured below]
Davy Tork [pictured below]
Bernie Boswell
Mindy Dalton [pictured below]
Tony Walmer [pictured below]

ISSUE #8. Carts Ahoy!

Originally Released on November 21st, 2013

Here’s the Story…

Katie is outside on the lot, gathering carts. She spots a stranded cart, and touches the handle, when suddenly her hand becomes stuck to it. The handle spins around, and is strong enough that it lifts Katie’s body, and throws her inside. Once in the cart, her hand is unstuck. However, the cart takes off at a fast speed. Katie screams as she has no control over what’s happening. Masked Bagger races towards her, and takes out his cart strap, and hurls it at the speeding cart. It attaches itself to the back of the cart, and suddenly the 717 Guardian is in the air, holding onto the strap. He slowly climbs forward, and then hops in to be with Katie.

Masked Bagger: I just dropped in to see how you’re doing. Everything fine or you need some help?

Katie Collins: Duh! Help me!

Masked Bagger: On it.

The handsome masked hero takes out a remote control and pushes a couple of buttons. The cart continues to speed around the parking lot. Cars honk their horns as they are about to crash into it. The Bagger-Mobile drives up alongside them. Masked Bagger unhooks the cart strap from their uncontrollable ride, and instead hooks it to his own vehicle.

Masked Bagger: Okay, grab on to it.

Katie Collins: Are you hitting on me in the middle of a rescue? ‘cause I have a boyfriend, so I ain’t grabbing nothing of yours!

Masked Bagger: (frustrated) Grab the *cart strap*, and hold on tight. Don’t let go until you’re safely in the Bagger-Mobile.

Katie takes a hold of the cart strap. Masked Bagger then lifts her up, and she leaps into the vehicle. She sits, and it slows down as it drives her back to the sidewalk, thanks to Masked Bagger’s remote control skills. He then turns around to face his own problem. The cart is headed straight for a car, which is backing out of its spot, unaware of the situation. The 717 Guardian looks down, and notices a device hooked to the cart. Figuring it has something to do with a remote control of its own, Masked Bagger unhooks it. Sure enough, the cart slows down, but is still headed for the car. Our hero overcomes his fears of jumping out of a moving cart by jumping out of the moving cart. He then grabs the handle and stops it just before it would have hit the car. When it’s all over, Masked Bagger heads to the sidewalk, where Katie is.

Katie Collins: Thank you, Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger: You’re welcome.

Katie Collins: I just have one question. How did you get here so fast? It seems like as soon as I was inside the cart, you jumped in to the rescue.

He can’t tell her the truth that as Adam, he was on a break outside, watching the sexy Katie getting carts.

Masked Bagger: I’m, uh, just good at my job. Always alert.

Katie smiles, and then walks inside.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher & Masked Bagger are in the basement lab.

Masked Bagger: Who’s behind this cart attack?

Professor Tincher: His name is Randy Blaine. He blends in with other carts because he *is* a cart himself now.

Masked Bagger: You know him?

Professor Tincher: Yes. He was a bagger. About a couple months before you came to the store, he was outside on carts, and the ground just opened up and he fell in. No one has seen him since. However, I went out for lunch today, and *it* rolled up to me. I got a good look at it. It clearly has the face of Randy. I don’t know what happened to him underground to turn him into a cart-boy, but that’s exactly what he is now. For some reason he’s using remote control carts to scare people.

Masked Bagger: What would he want with Katie, though?

Professor Tincher: Maybe it’s not personal. He just decided to attack the cart getter. Then again, it’s been almost a year since he vanished. Maybe he’s ready to come out and cause some chaos. You know, make his presence known.

Masked Bagger: Yeah, his presence is definitely known.

Professor Tincher: On the lighter side, in a couple days we’re having a Kids Day at the store, to make up for not doing anything for Trick or Treat this year.

Masked Bagger: Why are you telling me? I don’t have to do anything for it, do I?

Professor Tincher: You’re a local superhero. I want you to make an appearance for the kiddies.

Masked Bagger: Can’t you just make another clone of me to make these personal appearances?

Professor Tincher: Considering what happened the last time I made a clone of you, no. I won’t do it again. Now I can’t force you to do it, but I’m asking nicely. Please do it.

Masked Bagger: Ugh, fine.

CUT TO: Bernie Boswell is holding up a painting, and showing it to Katie, who’s doing a price check in produce.

Bernie Boswell: Katie, have you seen this painting yet?

Katie Collins: No. Did you paint that?

Bernie Boswell: No, of course not. My brother did. He even…

Just then, a gorgeous young woman, named Mindy (in her early thirties) walks up and hears the rest of what Bernie is saying.

Bernie Boswell: …won an award for this painting. I’m so proud.

Katie Collins: That’s nice. I’m trying to care, but I just don’t.

Bernie Boswell: Carry on with your price check.

She does. Mindy, however, walks over to Bernie.

Mindy Dalton: That painting is absolutely beautiful.

Bernie Boswell: Thank you.

Mindy Dalton: Do you think you could paint me?

Bernie Boswell: Well actually, I…

Mindy Dalton: It’ll be in the nude.

Bernie Boswell: YES! I would love to paint you in the nude.

Mindy Dalton: Great. We’ll get together in a couple days then. Saturday perhaps?

Bernie Boswell: Actually, I have to be here for a stupid “Kid’s Day” thing. You know what? Screw it. Art is more important. Uh, how much do I have to pay you?

Mindy Dalton: That’s ridiculous. I’ll be paying you, of course.

Bernie Boswell: Of course. It’s been a while since I’ve painted a nude. I kind of forgot about the monetary arrangements, ha-ha. So, um, I don’t suppose you have a grandma that might want to pose naked with you?

Mindy Dalton: Actually my grandma just died.

Bernie Boswell: Hmm, have they already buried her? If not, we could prop her up next to you. I’ll find a way to make it tasteful.

She looks freaked, as any normal person would. He realizes this.

Bernie Boswell: Kidding, of course. I make bad jokes but beautiful paintings. You know artists, we’re all a little kooky. See you on Saturday. Oh, and I’m sorry about your grandma.

CUT TO: A couple days later. The promo aisle is set up for kids, with an Oreo stacking table, a coloring contest table, and a couple other tables with kid related stuff. Some kids are in the aisle, having fun. Mickey Tork and his kid brother, 8-year-old Davy are walking in the parking lot to enter the store.

Mickey Tork: I can’t believe I’m actually coming here on my day off. The things I do for you, Davy.

Davy Tork: It’ll be fun.

As the Tork brothers enter the store, Cartastrophe watches and hatches a scheme in that demented cart-mind of his.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher is in his office. Tony Walmer enters.

Tony Walmer: Mr. Tincher, hello. My name is Tony Walmer. I’m the head reporter for the Kroger Gazette.

Professor Tincher: Hello. Are you searching for a story at this store?

Tony Walmer: As a matter of fact, I am. This store is legendary for one reason and one reason only.

Professor Tincher: Our really terrific customer service?

Tony Walmer: No… The Masked Bagger. I want to know who he is, why he does what he does, and most importantly, WHO he is. Did I say that already? Well I’m putting more emphasis on it this time. Who’s the man behind the mask?

Professor Tincher: I would love to tell you, but I’m afraid one of our carts is a former bagger. So most of my concerns are with that right now. Did you want to get a “cart-boy” exclusive, or hey, how about “Kid’s Day” here at the good ‘ol 717? That could be a fun piece.

Tony Walmer: No. The story I came for is the story I’m gonna leave with. Now where can I find this Masked Bagger?

Professor Tincher: Really? Over a story about a kid who literally turned into a cart? Seems silly.

Tony Walmer: I’m just interested in The Masked Bagger. What’s he up to right now?

Professor Tincher: Probably off doing something heroic.

CUT TO: Adam is in the break room, smiling at the pizza on the table he’s about to eat.

Adam Hauck: Mmmmm, pizza!

Katie walks in.

Katie Collins: Can I borrow your phone?

Adam Hauck: Sure.

She walks past him, and Adam hands it to her. She sits a few seats down from him, dials a number and puts the phone to her face.

Katie Collins: Hi babe. What are you doing?

Adam groans as he realizes Katie is talking to her boyfriend, Austin.

Katie Collins: I’m on break. I can’t wait to get off. I need to see you. I’ve only been here two hours but I miss you.

Adam is quite uncomfortable. He loves her and hates listening to her having a romantic conversation with her boyfriend.

Katie Collins: Okay, well, I have to go.

Adam Hauck: (to himself) Please don’t say it. Don’t say it. Don’t say it.

Katie Collins: I love you.

She said it! Bothered, Adam looks down at his pizza.

Adam Hauck: Not even *you* can save the moment now.

CUT TO: A while later. Mickey and Davy walk outside.

Mickey Tork: Did you have a good time, Davy?

Davy Tork: Yeah!

Cartastrophe wheels up to them. He’s wearing a saddle on his back.

Cartastrophe: Don’t leave without a cart ride!

Davy Tork: Ooh, can I Mickey? Please!

Mickey Tork: I don’t know. I don’t remember Mr. Tincher mentioning anything about cart rides.

Davy Tork: Please!

Mickey always has a tough time saying no to his brother.

Mickey Tork: Okay.

He picks Davy up, and sets him on top of Cartastrophe.

Cartastrophe: Hold on, little one.

He rolls around close to Mickey for a little bit, making it seem like a pleasant ride, but then suddenly speeds off. Mickey freaks out.

Mickey Tork: Ride over! Ride over!

Mickey looks inside the store and spots Masked Bagger, making his rounds for the customers. He runs over to him.

Mickey Tork: Masked Bagger, that cart ride outside has gone haywire!

Masked Bagger: Cart ride?

Suddenly he realizes it must be Randy Blaine. He runs outside and looks around but doesn’t see him anywhere.

Masked Bagger: Mickey, I’m afraid that was no ride. It’s the latest 717 super villain!

Mickey Tork: We have to save my brother!

Masked Bagger: “We”?

Mickey Tork: I’m coming with you. No offense, but with Davy’s life on the line, just one guy to the rescue isn’t enough.

Masked Bagger: Let’s go.

Mickey Tork: Great! Where to?

Masked Bagger: I don’t know. I usually go down to the basement, and discuss things with Professor Tincher.

Mickey Tork: There’s a basement? Who’s Professor Tincher? Is he Mr. Tincher’s brother, or someone?

Masked Bagger: Oops. It’s possible I’ve revealed too much.

CUT TO: Back at the office with Tincher and Tony.

Professor Tincher: You know, even if you meet Masked Bagger, it’s not like he gonna give you personal information about himself. He never reveals too much.

Tony Walmer: Maybe, maybe not, but I’m a reporter, and I have to try.

Professor Tincher: Listen, I’ll tell you what you want to know. Masked Bagger first came to 717 in February of this year. Since then, he’s defeated seven super villains, not to mention countless evil birds. He fights to keep the floors of Kroger safe for the public, not to mention the employees.

Tony Walmer: So you say you’re gonna tell me what I want to know, but then you don’t. I want to know his secret identity!

Professor Tincher: If I tell you, it won’t be a secret, now will it?

Tony Walmer: But I won’t tell another living soul. I’ll simply type the news onto a piece of paper. That’s it. Now, true, that paper will be the cover of the Kroger Gazette, but it’s not like I’m going to go around blabbing, or anything.

Professor Tincher: No.

Tony Walmer: Whatever. Listen, what about the captured villains? Where are they at… or is your fine superhero a murderer?

Professor Tincher: I keep them incarcerated in the basement!

Tony Walmer: Take me down there. I’d like to talk to some of them.

Professor Tincher: Why? It’s not like any of them know his secret identity.

Suddenly, Tincher remembers that Meat-Man DOES know that Masked Bagger is really Adam Hauck!

Tony Walmer: No, of course not. I just want some interesting stories.

Professor Tincher: Okay, I’ll take you down there but first you should know something about me. I hope it doesn’t happen during your visit, but I’m a narcoleptic. I could just fall asleep at any mo…

Tincher drops to the floor, pretending to be asleep. Tony shakes him.

Professor Tincher: (drowsy) I’ll get up in a few minutes, mom.

Tony is ticked off, but decides to just wait for Tincher to wake up.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger and Mickey Tork are in the basement.

Masked Bagger: Tincher’s not down here, but I can look at the outside monitors myself. Maybe I can see where the cart has taken Davy.

Mickey Tork: This visit down here would be so much cooler if I wasn’t scared to death for my little brother. I love him so much. If anything happens to him, I’ll just…

Masked Bagger: Nothing’s gonna happen to him. We got this.

Mickey Tork: I hope you’re right.

The 717 Guardian watches the monitors.

Masked Bagger: Okay, I don’t know what this means. I spot the cart villain, but he’s hiding with all the other carts on the side of the building. I don’t see Davy anywhere.

Mickey Tork: Maybe he turned Davy into a cart. Like how a vampire bite turns someone into a vampire.

Masked Bagger: No, I don’t think so, but there’s one way to find out.

CUT TO: Mindy is inside Bernie’s house. His parents are gone for the moment. His room is set up with a stool for Mindy and painting tools for himself.

Bernie Boswell: Okay, why don’t you shed the clothing, sit down, and I’ll get started. This will be a masterpiece. I can just feel it.

Mindy Dalton: I’ve wanted a nude painting of myself for quite some time, but no one has the right painting skills to capture my beauty. I know it’s not very modest, but when you look like this, being modest about your looks just makes you seem ignorant.

Bernie Boswell: I agree. Well chit chat’s over. Strip, sit, and smile.

She does. This is a great moment for Bernie, even if she is younger than what he prefers. Although she’s at least ten years older than him, so there's that. He begins to paint, figuring that he can do as good a job as his brother.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger and Mickey are out front.

Masked Bagger: Mickey, you stay behind. I’ll confront the living cart.

Mickey Tork: No way. I’m going with you.

Masked Bagger: I insist. Stay here.

Mickey Tork: Fine.

The hero in a mask walks over to the carts where the villain is.

Masked Bagger: Show yourself, Cart-Boy!

Cartastrophe: Actually, my name is Cartastrophe.

He rolls out. His feet turn from wheels to normal feet, and he stands up in front of Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Hey, a kind of creative villain name. Bravo! Now what did you do with Davy Tork?

Cartastrophe: All in good time, Bagger. Just know, I have no beef with the kid.

Masked Bagger: Who do you have a beef with?

Cartastrophe: Wouldn’t *you* like to know.

Masked Bagger: Uh, yeah. Kinda why I asked.

The evil cart remains silent.

Masked Bagger: Okay, if you won’t tell me, I’m gonna have to take you in.

Cartastrophe punches Masked Bagger in the face with his wheel.

Masked Bagger: Ouch! Hey don’t be mad at me. I’m just doing my job. I’m a bagger. You’re a cart. It’s Kroger nature for me to take you in!

Cartastrophe: You’re not a very bright bagger if you think you’re taking *me* in!

Masked Bagger: Well then ignorance is bliss!

Cartastrophe: You’re an idiot!

Masked Bagger: I don’t know that! I’m *ignorant* to that! But forget this! Why are you doing this? What do you have against Mickey’s brother?

Cartastrophe: The simple fact that he *is* Mickey’s brother. When I was just a human bagger, and the ground opened up, I called out for help. Mickey Tork was there. He witnessed the whole thing, but didn’t even try to help me. It’s time for revenge.

Masked Bagger: Nope, sorry. We already did a revenge story. Unless you can top throwing an onion at Mickey.

The cart villain smiles.

Cartastrophe: The best way to hurt someone is to hurt the one they love. That’s why I have little Davy tied up in the fuel center, which is rigged with explosives!

Masked Bagger runs away, headed to the fuel center. However, Cartastrophe has twenty-five remote control carts set up to prevent our hero from reaching his destination in time.

CUT TO: The office with a fake-sleeping Tincher and an upset Tony.

Tony Walmer: Wake up!

Professor Tincher: Did I just fall asleep? How embarrassing.

Tony Walmer: No, you didn’t *just* fall asleep. You’ve slept for an hour and a half!

Professor Tincher: Well what are we waiting for? Let’s go downstairs to talk to the super villains.

Tony Walmer: Finally. It’s 3:15!

Professor Tincher: Oh, it’s 3:15? Well all the villains are having a nap right now. I won’t wake them up, either. They’ll be cranky, and it’s a chore getting them back to sleep.

Tony Walmer: Are you kidding me, Tincher?

Professor Tincher: You know what, I’ve had it with your attitude. Get out of my store!

Tony Walmer: I was sent here by corporate. I ain’t leaving without my story.

Professor Tincher: I’m sure they don’t want you to reveal the secret of Masked Bagger’s identity. They’re on my side.

Tony Walmer: Okay, fine. I’m outta here. Just know one thing. I’ll be back, and when you least expect it. Only, you won’t know I’m back. I can be very sneaky.

Tony leaves the office. Professor Tincher heads for the basement, proud that he got rid of the reporter without revealing Masked Bagger’s identity.

CUT TO: Bernie is almost finished painting Mindy.

Mindy Dalton: Are you close to being done, yet?

Bernie Boswell: Tut, tut, don’t rush a genius of art.

Mindy Dalton: I’m sorry. It’s just cold in here.

Bernie Boswell: I know. My parents keep it at 60 degrees inside the house.

Mindy Dalton: I have to pee.

Bernie Boswell: Just two more strokes, and I’m finished.

Bernie finishes the painting.

Mindy Dalton: Done?

Bernie Boswell: Yep. Put on your robe, and come over here, and take a look at my finest painting yet!

Mindy puts her robe on, and walks over to Bernie and the painting. It’s no masterpiece. All Bernie did was paint a stick figure. To be fair, it’s honestly the best he could do, but nevertheless, she’s mad.

Mindy Dalton: Is this a joke? I posed for three hours for you, and THAT is what you painted? What do you call this?

Bernie Boswell: (nervous) Um, abstract.

Mindy Dalton: It’s a freaking stick figure!

Bernie Boswell: But a beautiful stick figure - the Mona Lisa of stick figure paintings!

Mindy Dalton: Unbelievable!

Bernie Boswell: Considering your feelings on the painting, this might be a bad time to bring it up, but I’m gonna need you to pay me the $300 now.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is on the parking lot, running to get to the fuel center before it blows up, killing Davy, who’s trapped inside. However, a remote control cart sideswipes the 717 Guardian, knocking him to the ground. Our hero gets back up, and continues to run but only makes it a few steps before another cart rams into him. He doesn’t fall down this time, but it’s certainly slowing him down. Masked Bagger continues to run, but carts keep hitting him, preventing him from going very far. It’s a couple minutes later, and he’s not even made it to where the first parking space is.

Masked Bagger: This is maddening!

He takes a few more steps, and is run into by another cart. A crowd has formed, watching our beloved hero getting beaten by carts. Tony Walmer walks outside, and is also a witness to this. Masked Bagger runs a little bit more, but, as you guessed, was hit by another cart. He’s getting angry. He finally runs faster than he did before, and no carts come close to him… until one rolls up, and rams him from the side. He flies in the air, but before landing, another cart slams into him, causing him to continue flying in the air, going back to the sidewalk - where he started. He hits the ground, and rolls back to Cartastrophe, who smiles.

Cartastrophe: There, there, simple bagger. You didn’t get very far. Don’t worry about the time, though. It’s not counting down to zero to blow. It will blow up when I crash into it because I know you can’t stop me. I can outrun you any day. No offense, but you’re kinda out of shape.

Masked Bagger: I have the full intention of exercising but then I just don’t.

Cartastrophe: (sarcastically) Hey tell THAT story again!

Suddenly he takes off, headed for the fuel center. Masked Bagger runs after him, knowing what will happen if he doesn’t. The evil cart is smiling as he feels a victory coming on. Masked Bagger is running as fast as he can alongside Cartastrophe, but it doesn’t seem to be fast enough. He takes out his bag-gun, and shoots it at the villain, but it doesn’t connect.

Masked Bagger: No! Don’t do this!

Cartastrophe outruns the hero, and it looks as though nothing can be done to save young Davy Tork. Cartastrophe accelerates his speed as he yells…

Cartastrophe: Kamikaze Cart!!!

Masked Bagger: No!!!

Seeing no way of beating the wheeled villain to the fuel center, the 717 Guardian stops in his tracks, and watches as Cartastrophe successfully slams into his destination, and BOOM!!! The fuel center blows up. Debris is hurtling through the air. Masked Bagger drops to his knees, and tears come out of his eyes. He has failed. Mickey walks up behind him.

Mickey Tork: This is why I wanted to help you. No matter how good you are, sometimes you just need a little help.

Masked Bagger turns around, and sees Mickey Tork standing there… next to his kid brother, a very much alive Davy. Our hero stands up.

Masked Bagger: How did you… What happened? I thought you were dead! The explosion and all… you were supposed to be inside.

Davy Tork: Sorry to disappoint.

Masked Bagger: No, I’m just confused.

Mickey Tork: It’s quite simple. While you were battling those carts, I snuck into the fuel center, and got Davy out myself. Luckily all those carts were focused on you, and you alone.

Davy Tork: Yeah, Mickey’s a hero!

Masked Bagger: Yes he is. Employee of the Month material in my opinion.

Tony Walmer walks up to the sexy 717 Guardian.

Tony Walmer: Masked Bagger, I’m Tony Walmer of the Kroger Gazette. I’d like to interview you!

Masked Bagger: No.

Tony Walmer: Don’t you want your story out there?

Masked Bagger: The only story I want out there is the story of these two brothers, and how one risked his life to save the other.

Tony Walmer: Yeah, I suppose corporate WILL want a story on the explosion - darn it. Know this, I WILL get a Masked Bagger exclusive one day, and the world WILL know your true identity.

Masked Bagger: Cool story, bro. (smiles) I got that from the internet.

Masked Bagger walks away, headed for the store. He makes his way through the crowd of people and into the lobby, through the store, and finally downstairs to the basement. Professor Tincher is there, unaware of what went on outside.

Professor Tincher: You will not believe the stressful kind of day I had.

CUT TO: A couple hours later at the fuel center. Masked Bagger is there with a few other people, who are cleaning up the area. Among the debris is an unconscious Cartastrophe. He lets out a faint moan. He’s alive! Masked Bagger quickly takes out his bag-gun and shoots him.

Masked Bagger: Got him.

CUT TO: The next day. Adam is up front bagging. Bernie walks into the store. Adam sees him and asks…

Adam Hauck: Bernie, how’d you get that black eye?

Bernie Boswell: Apparently my artwork is too controversial for some to handle.

Adam Hauck: You have artwork?

Bernie Boswell: I don’t want to talk about it. It’s too painful, except to say that artists really do suffer. I think I’m gonna go cut off my ear now. It’s what we do.

Bernie walks over to produce. Adam resumes bagging. Mickey and Katie walk over to Adam.

Katie Collins: Once again, you missed all the excitement yesterday.

Adam Hauck: Did I?

Mickey Tork: Yeah. Cartastrophe kidnapped my kid brother, and blew up the fuel center. Thanks to Masked Bagger, I was able to sneak off and get Davy out of there before it blew.

Katie Collins: Yeah, and you were nowhere in sight. Big surprise.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, I seem to always miss out on all the fun.

Adam then turns to you - the reader - and winks.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

ISSUE #9. Return of the Pineapple-Man

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Mickey Tork

Guest Starring:
Pineapple-Man alias Vince Beckett
Bernie Boswell
Hailie Morgan (who disguises herself as Pineapple-Princess [pictured below])

ISSUE #9. Return of the Pineapple-Man

Originally Released on January 12th, 2014

Here Now, Our Story…

Masked Bagger is making his rounds in the store when he sees a guy putting meat into his jacket. Our hero walks up to him.

Masked Bagger: Boo!

Guy: That didn’t scare me. You don’t scare me.

Masked Bagger: You *should* be scared of me.

Guy: Is that a threat?

Masked Bagger: No. It’s advice.

The guy takes a swing, but Masked Bagger ducks and then punches the guy in the face. He goes down.

Masked Bagger: That’s all it took? Oh, I forgot. I usually battle villains with super powers. Well, time to call the cops.

CUT TO: Adam enters the basement lab. The Professor’s down there.

Adam Hauck: I caught a meat thief!

Professor Tincher has a big smile on his face. Adam wonders why.

Adam Hauck: What are you so happy about? It wasn’t *that* big of a deal.

Professor Tincher: I did it!

Adam Hauck: Oh, okay. Congrats. Is she still here?

Professor Tincher: What? No. I mean I did what I’ve been trying to do all this time. I’ve found a way to turn super villains back into their original persona.

Adam Hauck: Hey, that’s big! You’re a genius.

Professor Tincher: I know.

Adam Hauck: Not very modest, however.

Professor Tincher: No need to be modest. I’ve done something wonderful. Now, so far I’ve only done it to *one* of the villains. He’s our guinea pig. If everything works out, I’ll do it to the rest.

Adam Hauck: Who’d you choose?

Adam hears footsteps, and looks over to see Vince Beckett - no longer the Pineapple-Man - coming towards them. The former produce head has a smile on his face. It’s contagious as now all three men are smiling.

Vince Beckett: Why hello there, Adam.

Adam Hauck: Vince, it’s been a while. (playing dumb) I thought you quit the store or something. I hadn’t seen you around.

Vince Beckett: I was preoccupied with something else. However, I’m back now, and ready to take over the helm of produce once again.

Adam turns to Tincher.

Adam Hauck: Uh, this now presents a problem. What about Bernie?

Professor Tincher: I don’t know. I didn’t think everything through. I’m just glad to have successfully transformed him back.

Vince Beckett: By the way, what are you doing down here in the basement, Adam? I assumed only Mr. Tincher and The Masked Bagger knew about this place.

Adam Hauck: Um, well, I stumbled across it a couple months ago, and since then have been coming down here every once in a while to chat with the good ‘ol Masked Bagger, and Tincher, too.

Professor Tincher: Vince, I just wanted to apologize for making you work that day. Obviously, had I known what was in store for you, I wouldn’t have.

Vince Beckett: Keep your apologies, Stan. Sure I was mad at the time, but since I’ve been incarcerated here, you’ve taken care of me as well as the other store villains. You’re an honorable man. If anything, I must apologize to you.

Professor Tincher: For what?

Vince Beckett: Well for trying to kill you, of course.

Professor Tincher: (laughs) Oh yeah. I forgot.

Adam Hauck: Well I should go back upstairs and bag. Good to see you again, Vince. I mean it.

Vince Beckett: Thank you, Adam.

CUT TO: Adam is walking back up front when he spots Katie doing re-shops. Even though she has a boyfriend, Adam still likes her, and is planning to wait out this new relationship.

Adam Hauck: Hi, Katie. How are you doing?

Katie Collins: Bad. Austin is pissing me off. He’s such a jerk.

Adam Hauck: I’m sorry. Anything you care to talk about?

Katie Collins: No.

Adam Hauck: Good, because I didn’t want to hear about it anyways.

Katie Collins: You’re a jerk, too!

Adam Hauck: No, I was just trying to be nice by asking if you wanted to talk about it. It’s just too hard for me to listen to your relationship stories, feeling for you the way I do.

Katie Collins: All you need to know is that Austin is a jerk and doesn’t treat me right.

Adam Hauck: I’m sorry to hear that.

Katie Collins: Whatever. I have to get carts now.

Katie walks away. Adam thinks this could be it for Katie and Austin, and gets an idea.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher and Vince Beckett walk over to produce and spot Bernie Boswell.

Professor Tincher: Bernie, I’d like you to meet Vince Beckett.

Bernie Boswell: Why does that name sound familiar?

Vince Beckett: Because it’s the name of the man you replaced.

Bernie Boswell: Oh yeah. You turned evil and started throwing all the produce at people.

Vince Beckett: Well I’m back now, so I’ll be resuming department head duties.

Bernie Boswell: What? Mr. Tincher, is this true?

Professor Tincher: I feel for right now, you two can be partners until I figure something out, or make transfer plans.

Bernie Boswell: Wait, who would be getting transferred?

Professor Tincher: I don’t know. Wow me.

Bernie Boswell: I don’t think that’s how it works, but in any case, how about dinner tonight at my place? My dad’s making spaghetti.

Jokingly, Tincher turns to Vince.

Professor Tincher: Vince, can you top spaghetti?

Vince Beckett: No, ha-ha. I’ll transfer to a different store. It’s not fair to Mr. Boswell here that I just come back and take his job from him.

Bernie Boswell: Thanks for understanding.

Professor Tincher: Well you two can work together for now, right?

Vince Beckett: Of course.

Adam walks up.

Adam Hauck: I don’t mean to interrupt… but I will. Bernie, doesn’t your uncle own a recording studio?

Bernie Boswell: Yeah. Why? You wanna make a CD together?

Adam Hauck: Yes I do. Along with Mr. Tincher and Mickey. I figured you three could sing back up. I’ll be the lead singer.

Professor Tincher: Why do you want to do this? It’s not an attempt to impress Katie, is it? She has a boyfriend, Adam.

Adam Hauck: Can he sing?

Professor Tincher: Can you?

Adam Hauck: Kinda.

Professor Tincher: Well in that case, I’m in.

CUT TO: A recording studio. Adam, Tincher, Bernie and Mickey are in the booth.

Bernie Boswell: I’m sorry I wasn’t able to get you a discount, Adam.

Adam Hauck: It’s okay. I’m just glad we’re here, and we can make a vanity CD.

Mickey Tork: But what kind of CD is this? We’re only doing one song.

Adam Hauck: It’s called a single. Besides this is the only song I know. Also, it’s cheaper this way. No offense Bernie, but your uncle charges a lot to use this booth.

Bernie Boswell: No offense taken because I don’t like my uncle.

Professor Tincher: This seems silly to me.

Adam Hauck: Come on. It’s going to be fun.

Professor Tincher: I think you and I have different opinions on what’s considered fun, but I’m doing this anyways, as a friend.

Adam Hauck: Thanks.

CUT TO: The produce back room. Vince drops an apple, but before it hits the floor, he uses telekinesis to stop it and send it back up to him. Back in his hand, Vince takes a big bite out of the fruit and smiles.

CUT TO: The guys back at the recording studio.

Adam Hauck: Alright. Everybody ready?

Tincher, Mickey & Bernie: Yes.

Adam Hauck: Let’s do it. One, two, a-one, two three, four…

The music starts for the song “Na Na Na (Kiss Him Goodbye).”

Tincher, Mickey & Bernie: ♪ Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye. ♪

Adam Hauck: ♪ He’ll never love you, the way that I love you. Cause if he did, no, no, he wouldn’t make you cry. He might be thrillin’ baby but a-my love… ♪

Tincher, Mickey & Bernie: ♪ My love, my love. ♪

Adam Hauck: ♪ So kiss him… ♪

Tincher, Mickey & Bernie: ♪ I wanna see you kiss him, I wanna see you kiss him goodbye… ♪

They sing the rest of the song. When it’s over, they’re all proud of themselves, and start high-fiving one another. They are now “Adam & the Others.”

(Steam performing "Na Na Hey Hey Goodbye") https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QaG2Acg8n60

CUT TO: Adam is in the produce department, looking at the apples, trying to pick out one for a customer who forgot to get it and asked the bagger to go for it. As he’s looking, a rumbling occurs in the fruits.

Adam Hauck: Weird.

Suddenly all the fruits and vegetables leave their shelf and fall upwards as if gravity is on the ceiling. Adam looks up, but doesn’t know what to make of it. The customer is watching and aggravated.

Customer: Could you hurry up? I don’t have all day to spend here at the grocery store.

Adam Hauck: Do you not see what I see? Everything is up on the ceiling!

Just then, it all falls to the floor. Adam grabs one, and runs over to the customer at the register.

Customer: No, I don’t like that one. Get me a better one!

Adam Hauck: Are you serious? Did you not see what just happened to me over there?

Customer: (with attitude) I'm sorry, is it all about you, or is it all about the customer?

Adam Hauck: Fine, but I am so going to vent about this on Facebook later.

Adam heads back to produce. He hears a couple of screams off in the distance and looks over to see Pineapple-Man - no longer Vince Beckett - walking slowly towards the department. All the fruits and veggies from the floor return to their spot on the shelves, thanks to Piney’s telekinesis.

Pineapple-Man: I made the full transformation.

Adam Hauck: Pineapple-Man? You’re back!

Pineapple-Man: This is true, and I have a message for Masked Bagger.

Adam Hauck: What’s that?

Pineapple-Man: I’m not mad at him for what happened to me. We fought and I lost. I’m not out to get revenge. This is my produce department, however, so Bernie will have to be rescued because I’m going to kill him. Why don’t you run along and fetch the good hero of our store before Bernie ends up deceased?

Adam Hauck: This feels like a trap, but I’ll do my best to get him.

Adam runs off to the bagger’s closet. When he comes out, he’s Masked Bagger - guardian of 717! He heads back to produce where Pineapple-Man is still standing. The customer thinks Adam is still in the bagger’s closet, and is upset with him for not returning with her apple.

Masked Bagger: Here I am, Piney!

Pineapple-Man: I thought I told you I hate that nickname.

Masked Bagger: Good! Now what are you doing back?

Pineapple-Man: The good professor let me out. It’s time to have some fun. I’ve really wanted to have a good kill while I was incarcerated. I’m choosing the idiot they got to replace Vince Beckett.

Masked Bagger: Come on, Vince. I know you’re still in there!

Pineapple-Man: Give it up, Bagger. Vince is a memory.

Masked Bagger: Professor Tincher reformed you! It wore off, so just take another dose of the medication!

Pineapple-Man: You fool. I was never reformed. My former appearance returned, and I knew if I said it worked, and faked it for a while, I would be freed from that basement prison.

Bernie walks up and spots Pineapple-Man.

Bernie Boswell: Yes! With Beckett evil again, there’s no question I get to keep my job!

The pariah of produce turns around to face Bernie.

Pineapple-Man: How can you keep your job if you’re dead?

Bernie Boswell: I couldn’t. It’s a good thing I’m alive.

Pineapple-Man: You can’t take a hint, can you?

Bernie Boswell: No. Why?

Pineapple-Man quickly takes out a sharp produce knife, and stabs Bernie in the chest. He drops to the floor. Masked Bagger runs over.

Masked Bagger: No!

Pineapple-Man: (jokingly) What kind of a superhero are you, Bagger? You were supposed to rescue the weird produce boy. You have failed and will have to live with this failure for the rest of your life. Hahaha, THAT’S my revenge!

Piney - using telekinesis - hurls a cantaloupe at Masked Bagger, hitting him in the face, which serves as a diversion for the bad guy to run off. The 717 Guardian bounces back quickly, and goes over to Bernie, who is on the floor, dying.

Bernie Boswell: Don’t tell my mom I’m dead. She lost her mind years ago and believes there are tiny aliens living under her bed, ready to attack at any moment. So just tell her I joined the military, was shrunken, and sent under her bed to keep the aliens from taking over earth. My dad’s sane, so you can tell him the truth - a giant, walking, talking pineapple stabbed me to death.

Masked Bagger: We’re gonna get you to the hospital, Bernie. Don’t give up yet. It’s not your time!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger and Professor Tincher are in the basement lab.

Professor Tincher: I can’t believe I failed.

Masked Bagger: Don’t beat yourself up over this.

Professor Tincher: I can’t help it. I was so sure I did it. I was so happy about it. I felt as though I had some small control in this crazy world. Because of me, Bernie’s…

Masked Bagger: In the hospital. Hopefully he recovers, but right now, we have to figure out a way to stop Pineapple-Man.

Professor Tincher: Did you try using your bag-gun?

Masked Bagger: That sounds simple enough, but most of the time I’m fighting a villain, I don’t think to shoot them with it. So no, I didn’t try my bag-gun.

Professor Tincher: Well try that, but for now we have to figure a way to get him out in the open. I mean, I assume he’s in hiding right now.

Our hero looks at the monitor, which is right behind Tincher. It shows Pineapple-Man, proudly walking around produce.

Masked Bagger: Um, he’s not hiding. Look!

He points to the monitor. Tincher turns and looks at it.

Professor Tincher: Go get him!

Masked Bagger leaves the basement, headed for produce.

CUT TO: The produce. Pineapple-Man is standing there, when Hailie Morgan walks up to him. She’s instantly smitten with him.

Hailie Morgan: Who be you?

Pineapple-Man: What?

Hailie Morgan: Who be you?

Pineapple-Man: Please speak English.

Hailie Morgan: I’m asking who you are.

Pineapple-Man: Oh, I’m Pineapple-Man.

Hailie Morgan: Dang, you fine. How ‘bout we find someplace to go, and press it?

Pineapple-Man: Excuse me?

Hailie Morgan: “Press it” - you know, press our bodies together, doing the sex thang. Another term for bumping nasties.

Pineapple-Man: Where were you raised, young lady?

Hailie Morgan: Nunya.

Pineapple-Man: Nunya?

Hailie Morgan: Nunya business.

With his mind, Pineapple-Man hurls a peach at Hailie’s stomach.

Hailie Morgan: Ouch. (smiles) I love it when men get rough. I’ll be back. I think I know what you want!

Hailie walks away.

Pineapple-Man: You leaving - that’s exactly what I want.

Masked Bagger comes up to the super villain, holding his bag-gun. Piney quickly, telekinetically, throws a pineapple at the gun, knocking it out of our hero’s hand. It hits the floor and breaks.

Pineapple-Man: We won’t have a repeat of before when you defeated me using a cart strap and that bag-gun.

The produce pariah thinks of all the fruits and vegetables covering Masked Bagger’s body, and because he has that power, it happens. The 717 Guardian is suddenly buried under all the produce in the store. Then, using his mind control, Piney pushes them, sliding our hero with them, all the way to the deli. When Masked Bagger gets out, he looks down at produce, but Pineapple-Man is gone. Masked Bagger walks off as all the fruits and vegetables are left on the floor of the deli.

Voice on Intercom: Clean-up in the deli. Clean up in the deli.

Mickey, the cleaner, walks over to the mess.

Mickey Tork: I knew it was a mistake getting out of bed this morning.

CUT TO: The next day. Pineapple-Man is once again strutting around the produce department. Hailie walks over to him. She is now gussied up to look like a female version of the produce pariah.

Pineapple-Man: Who are you?

Hailie Morgan: Pineapple-Princess! I be all yours.

Pineapple-Man: I must admit, this *is* doing something for me.

Hailie Morgan: I knew it would. Let’s press it.

Pineapple-Man: Oh wait. You’re that obnoxious girl with the bizarre way of speaking.

Hailie Morgan: Yep, that be me.

Pineapple-Man: Goodbye.

Hailie Morgan: Give me a chance. Maybe we have some stuff in common. What’s your favorite TV show?

Pineapple-Man: I don’t watch television.

Hailie Morgan: Oh. Mine be “14 and Dreaming of Being Pregnant.”

Pineapple-Man: (sarcastically) That’s some quality programming there.

Hailie Morgan: You dang tootin’.

CUT TO: Adam walks into work. Professor Tincher is up front.

Adam Hauck: Any word on Bernie?

Professor Tincher: He’s still in critical condition. I don’t know if he’s gonna make it.

Adam Hauck: That’s it. Until Pineapple-Man is captured, Adam Hauck is gonna be off work. I’m Masked Bagger non-stop.

Professor Tincher: Quick, pretend like you’re sick.

Adam groans really loud. Customers and employees look as he fakes being doubled over with stomach pains.

Adam Hauck: I have to go home. I am so very sick!

Professor Tincher: Yes, by all means, go home, Adam!

Adam walks outside, changes into Masked Bagger, and re-enters the store. The Professor decides to keep things going.

Professor Tincher: Why hello there, Masked Bagger. Did you happen to see Adam Hauck outside?

Masked Bagger: Yes, I passed him on my way in here. He looked sick. I imagine he’ll be okay though. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.

The Masked Bagger heads over to produce. Both pineapple people are standing there.

Masked Bagger: What did you do to Hailie?

Pineapple-Man: I didn’t do anything to her. She did this to herself.

Hailie Morgan: I be the Pineapple-Princess.

Masked Bagger: Walk away, Hailie. This doesn’t concern you.

Hailie grabs a pear and throws it at Masked Bagger. He catches it and tosses it on the floor.

Masked Bagger: You’re making me angry, Hailie.

Hailie Morgan: Pineapple-Princess!

Masked Bagger: You realize Pineapple-Man is evil? He stabbed Bernie, and a few months ago kidnapped Mr. Tincher, and almost killed him.

Hailie Morgan: I like bad boys.

Pineapple-Man: You were kind of amusing for about two seconds, but now I’m done with you. Join Bernie.

Pineapple-Man takes the knife out of his pants pocket.

Hailie Morgan: That was a knife in yo pocket? Dang, I thought you be turned on.

He raises his arm. Masked Bagger pushes Hailie out of the way. As the knife is about to make contact with our hero’s masculine chest, a giant plastic bag covers Piney’s body. Masked Bagger looks over, and sees Professor Tincher, holding the bag-gun.

Professor Tincher: I fixed it. Funny how it *was* the very first thing I thought to do when I saw him.

Hailie Morgan: What? That’s it? I be wanting to see some blood - a ghetto style fight!

Masked Bagger: Sorry to disappoint. How are you doing with that still being alive thing, though?

Hailie Morgan: (insulted) You be wanting a thank you?

Masked Bagger: No. That’s not why I do what I do.

Hailie Morgan: Well thanks, anyway. Thanks for screwing up my love life. He be like my soul mate.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher walks back into the basement lab after incarcerating Pineapple-Man. Masked Bagger is standing there.

Professor Tincher: And back to the cell he goes.

Masked Bagger: Where he belongs.

Professor Tincher: No. He belongs upstairs. He belongs back in produce. He belongs with the normal people.

Masked Bagger: Have you been upstairs lately? Who are these “normal people” you’re referring to?

Professor Tincher: You know what I mean. I’ve failed.

Masked Bagger: Professor, it’s not your fault that Vince is Pineapple-Man. It wasn’t your fault when he was first transformed, and it’s not your fault now. We’re battling evil here. It was evil that placed that ladder in front of the compost, and it was evil that struck that ladder with lightning causing Vince to fall in. I have faith that we will win in the end, but the end is a long ways off. So until then, we just have to rely on each other to get through this and to manage the chaos.

Professor Tincher: (smiles) I knew there was a reason I chose you to be our hero.

CUT TO: Adam finds Katie to present her with the CD the guys and he made. He’s nervous, but believes she’ll love it.

Adam Hauck: Hi Katie. How are you doing?

Katie Collins: Great! I love Austin so much! He’s so sweet!

Adam Hauck: Um, what? I thought you were mad at him.

Katie Collins: Yeah, I was, but not now. He’s my honey bun.

Adam Hauck: So you’re not on the verge of breaking up?

Katie Collins: You’ve never been in a relationship, have you?

Adam Hauck: Once, but she lied about her age… and identity. Plus she took up smoking.

Katie Collins: Well you don’t break up over a little fight. Couples fight, but then they make up. You weren’t wishing for us to break up, were you?

Adam Hauck: No, of course not.

Katie Collins: Good. I’ll see ya later, kid.

Katie walks off.

Adam Hauck: (to himself) It’s quite possible that I am a fool.

He then throws the CD in the garbage.

CUT TO: A few days later. At the hospital. Masked Bagger and Professor Tincher are walking down the hallway, just having a casual conversation.

Masked Bagger: No, you’re forgetting Bashful. It’s Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Dopey, Sneezy and Bashful.

Professor Tincher: Oh, right.

They walk into Bernie’s room. He’s laying in the bed, looking good… well for Bernie.

Bernie Boswell: I don’t believe it - The Masked Bagger! Hello!

Masked Bagger: Hi, Bernie. How are you doing?

Bernie Boswell: Good.

Masked Bagger: So, you’re going to live?

Bernie Boswell: That’s what the doctors say. Thanks to my religion - Boswellity - I can’t die. I should have had more faith in that before.

That is not the reason he survived, but Bernie seems to believe it.

Professor Tincher: Masked Bagger captured Pineapple-Man, which means Vince Beckett is gone, too. So when you return to work, you don’t have to worry about either one of his personalities.

Bernie Boswell: That’s great.

Masked Bagger: I’m sorry this happened to you.

Bernie Boswell: Don’t be. I’m loving the attention. It’s nice to finally have people show they care about me. Getting stabbed was the best thing to ever happen to me. Plus, I got the nurse’s phone number.

Professor Tincher: Let me guess, she’s old.

Bernie Boswell: It’s tacky to give her age, but I’ll put it to you this way, she’s lived through three presidential assassinations.

Professor Tincher: No, that’s impossible, Bernie.

Bernie Boswell: Well, I’m not sure exactly how old. I guess she’s about your age, Mister Tincher.

If Masked Bagger wasn’t there to stop the Professor, Bernie may have had a longer stay in the hospital.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

**SEASON FINALE**

ISSUE #10. Kroger Genesis

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Mickey Tork

Guest Starring:
Time-Clock alias Chuck Hardy [pictured below]
Barney Kroger [pictured below]
Kroger Devil [pictured below]
Roy Carter [pictured below]

ISSUE #10. Kroger Genesis

Originally Released on January 28th, 2014

And Now This Episode…

JANUARY 2013 - Professor Tincher is in the basement lab. He’s working on a time machine outfit with his friend, co-manager Chuck Hardy. This is a full month before Adam arrives at 717 and becomes the masked hero we all know and love.

Professor Tincher: That’s it. I’m done!

Chuck Hardy: You’ve just invented a time machine that’s also a suit of armor. You’re going to be famous!

Professor Tincher: I didn’t do this for fame. I did it so I can go back in time and find out what happened to my son, Bailey. I have to rescue him, which would of course save Brooke, too.

Chuck Hardy: Too bad that’s not going to happen, buddy.

Professor Tincher: Why not?

Chuck Hardy: I’ve got other ideas for it.

Professor Tincher: Huh?

Chuck Hardy: You’re a genius but not very bright. I’ve been using you for your brain. Do you honestly think I like you?

Just then, Chuck punches Tincher in the face, knocking him out. He takes a syringe and jabs it in Tincher’s temple.

Chuck Hardy: There, I’ve erased your knowledge of time travel, so you won’t be able to duplicate this machine and come after me.

Chuck puts on the suit of armor, becoming a walking, talking time machine. There’s a flash of light as Chuck Hardy, now The Time-Clock, vanishes.

CUT TO: JANUARY 2014 - It’s the morning and Adam enters the store. He’s looking upset. Professor Tincher happens to be up front and greets his employee.

Professor Tincher: Good morning, Adam. How are you doing?

Adam Hauck: Not good. I got on Facebook earlier and noticed that Katie has changed her name to “Austin Katie Slaughter.” It’s like she just looks for new ways to twist the knife in my heart.

Professor Tincher: Adam, you have to get over her.

Adam Hauck: I can’t. I know it’s right.

Professor Tincher: You seem to be the only one who *knows* that.

Adam Hauck: Maybe so, but that doesn’t make it any less right.

Professor Tincher: Listen, I need you to put on your Masked Bagger outfit. We’re gonna shoot that commercial now.

Adam Hauck: I’m on it.

Adam walks away to become Masked Bagger - Guardian of 717, star of his very own commercial.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher is standing in front of Masked Bagger with a camcorder. They are in the manager’s office.

Professor Tincher: Okay. Masked Bagger commercial take one… action!

Masked Bagger: Hello. My name is Masked Bagger. I am a superhero from Kroger store 717. Kroger goes back to the year 1883, when a gentleman by the name of Barney Kroger opened the very first store. Back then, his biggest problem was simply living in the 1800s. No TV, no internet, no rock and roll music. I know *I* couldn’t have survived back then. Luckily, today there’s plenty of TV, lots of internet and the rock and roll music is here, too.

Professor Tincher: Cut! Adam, none of this is from the script.

Adam Hauck: I’m sorry, Professor. I didn’t memorize the script. I figured I could just wing it.

Professor Tincher: Why?

Masked Bagger: I was up all night writing a series of stories about what my life would be like if I hadn’t come to 717. I’m just Adam, a cleaner working at store 832 and having all sorts of wacky misadventures. In my latest issues, I’ve just gotten married and now it’s a month later and my beautiful bride tells me that she’s pregnant. These stories are accurate to what I’m sure would be going on in my real life right now had I not come here.

Professor Tincher: Sorry to have taken you away from all that.

Masked Bagger: It’s okay. As soon as I buy some ink, I’ll print you out a copy.

Suddenly, there’s a flash of light as The Time-Clock appears. Tincher recognizes the outfit instantly. Masked Bagger, obviously doesn’t.

Time-Clock: Let’s play a time game!

Professor Tincher: Chuck Hardy? Is that you?

Time-Clock: My name is Time-Clock.

Masked Bagger: Is this a super villain, Professor?

Professor Tincher: It’s someone from the past.

Just then, Time-Clock lunges at Masked Bagger, and they both fall to the floor. Once they land, there’s a different surrounding. Our hero looks around, confused. It’s a much smaller store and is painted red, inside and out.

Masked Bagger: What’s this?

Time-Clock: Tag. You’re it!

The villain gets off our precious hero and stands over him.

Time-Clock: I’m going to take off for a while. If you don’t find me by the time I leave this period, then you’re stuck here forever!

Masked Bagger: What? Where is “here”?

Time-Clock: I believe you mean *when* is here? For you see…

A man by the name of Henry Preston enters the store and sees this.

Henry Preston: I don’t believe it - a man made out of metal!

Time-Clock extends his left arm and shoots a laser beam at Henry, killing him instantly.

Time-Clock: Like I was saying, this is a time game.

The terrible time villain turns around and runs off. Masked Bagger rolls over to the late Henry Preston and checks on him. Yep, he’s dead.

Masked Bagger: Rest in peace, sir.

Masked Bagger stands up, still trying to figure out where he is. The store doesn’t look anything like what he’s used to. For one thing, it’s just one big room. There are no aisles or departments. Just a big counter with groceries on the shelves behind it. Masked Bagger heads for the door and steps outside. It’s summertime out there. He sees a man riding a horse and buggy. There are other people walking around, dressed up in clothes from the olden days. Our hero realizes he really has gone back in time!

Masked Bagger: Oh boy!

Masked Bagger walks back inside. Barney Kroger enters from the back room. He’s surprised to see a man in a mask there.

Barney Kroger: Who are you?

Masked Bagger: Excuse me, but where am I?

Barney Kroger: Why are you wearing that mask?

Masked Bagger: Just please tell me where I am.

Barney Kroger: This is The Great Western Tea Company.

Masked Bagger: Not Kroger?

Barney Kroger: My name is Kroger.

Masked Bagger: Barney Kroger?

Barney Kroger: Yes.

Masked Bagger: Okay, now I have a nutty question for you but please just answer it straight. What year is this?

Barney Kroger: Are you out of your head? It’s 1883, of course!

Masked Bagger: 1883? That’s a long ways off of 2014.

Barney Kroger: Yes, I’d say it is. Now please explain the mask.

Masked Bagger: Oh, uh, I’m just headed to a costume party and I seem to have stumbled into your fine establishment. They had costume parties in the 1800s, right?

Barney Kroger: That’s a little peculiar, mainly due to the fact that I’m not open for business yet. The grand opening isn’t for a couple of hours, and of course we have costume parties.

Masked Bagger: So this is how it all began, huh?

Barney looks over and sees the late Henry Preston dead on the floor. Assuming he’s passed out drunk, Barney runs over to him.

Barney Kroger: Henry. Henry, are you soaked? Drinking whisky before we’re opening the store!

Masked Bagger: He’s dead. I saw the man who did it. He was also dressed in a costume.

Barney Kroger: Dead? It can’t be.

Masked Bagger: Looks like things are off to a rough start.

CUT TO: Out of the dirt, crawls an evil being. One day he will be known as The Kroger Devil, but for now, he’s simply a devil. There’s a difference in his appearance: his skin is tan, his tail doesn’t have the Kroger “K”, and his clothing is different. He laughs as his full body is above ground. He looks ahead at The Great Western Tea Company and grins.

CUT TO: The Great Western Tea Company. Barney is outside, talking to the men who are taking Henry’s body away. Masked Bagger is still inside the store. Magically, Professor Tincher appears. Our hero looks over and sees him.

Masked Bagger: Professor! I can’t believe it’s you!

Professor Tincher: Yes, well, I’m here in hologram form. Only *you* can see and hear me.

Masked Bagger: Like in the TV show “Quantum Leap”?

Professor Tincher: Exactly. That’s where I got the idea from. Look, I invented the time machine armor that Chuck stole a year ago. Since I’m the inventor, I have a device that allows me to tune into the same frequency as Time-Clock. As long as he’s in this time period, I can visit, but once he leaves… well that’s it.

Masked Bagger: You mean I’ll never see you again?

Professor Tincher: You’re playing a time game. As long as you find Time-Clock and tag him before he exits the period, you’ll return home, and everything will be fine.

Masked Bagger: Do we know when he’ll return to 2014?

Professor Tincher: By my calculations, we have three days here. Just don’t change history. You didn’t, did you?

Masked Bagger: No, I didn’t, but Time-Clock killed somebody. They say his name was Henry Preston. Can you get any info on him?

Professor Tincher: I don’t need to. I already know who he was. Have you met Roy Carter yet?

Masked Bagger: No, I don’t think so.

Professor Tincher: Roy Carter ran a grocery store called Carter’s. It’s across the street from this place, but it’s not very good. It’s poorly run and the merchandise was crap and it wasn’t cheap either. Since there was no other grocery store around for miles, many people had little choice other than to shop there. Then along came Kroger, which took pride in the business and Carter’s sales took a serious nosedive within just three days. Crazed, Carter aimed to shoot Barney Kroger, but Henry Preston shoved Kroger out of the way and got shot in his place. If Henry’s not alive to give his life for Barney, then our founder will be murdered, and at this crucial point in the life of the store, if there is no Barney Kroger, the place will just be shut down.

Masked Bagger: This is heavy!

Professor Tincher: Okay, you did your little homage to “Back to the Future.” Now let’s return to our actual situation.

Masked Bagger: Right.

Professor Tincher: If you find Time-Clock and return to the present without saving Barney first, then there won’t be a Kroger to come back to. Without a Kroger on this Earth level, the evil won’t be contained and there’s a very good chance this world will be overrun with evil.

Masked Bagger: So, I just beat up Roy Carter now? Stop him before he ever gets a chance to kill Kroger.

Professor Tincher: No. History has to play out as closely as possible to the original timeline, or anything could happen. Roy went into hiding after this and eventually fathered two children. One of them would grow up to be quite heroic and saved many lives. So we can’t risk Roy’s son not being born.

Masked Bagger: Well I understand but this won’t be easy.

Professor Tincher: So Kroger won’t get suspicious as to why you’re hanging around his store, I suggest you try and get a job here.

Masked Bagger: Okay but I’ll have some serious seniority when I get back to our store.

Professor Tincher: Technically this is the site for our store, too. They eventually moved store number one down a few blocks and 717 was built here.

Masked Bagger: Wish me luck. I’m about to have a job interview with Barney Kroger himself. It doesn’t get higher up in the company than that.

CUT TO: Adam enters The Great Western Tea Company (which will one day be called Kroger). He’s dressed in 1880’s attire that he found hanging from a clothes line in someone’s backyard. Once he walks in, Barney spots him.

Adam Hauck: Hello, I’m here looking for work.

Barney Kroger: You are in luck. My one employee just passed away so there’s an opening. Have you ever worked in a grocery store before?

Adam Hauck: Yes, but it was nothing like this.

Barney Kroger: What’s your name?

Adam Hauck: Uh, Marty… Marty McFly.

Barney Kroger: Well Marty, since I need help immediately, I’m going to take a chance on you. Do you have any questions for me?

Adam Hauck: How are you gonna run this business different from Carter’s?

Barney Kroger: For one thing - with pride. I won’t sell just anything. It’s my feeling that you need to be particular. Never sell anything you would not want yourself.

Adam Hauck: Awesome.

Barney Kroger: Our vernacular is quite different, I’m afraid. What, may I ask, is “awesome”?

Adam Hauck: It’s a word where I come from meaning good, or awesome. No, I shouldn’t use the word as its own definition.

CUT TO: “The Transit of Venus March” (music from 1883) is playing over this montage. Adam is working behind the counter as some of the first customers enter the store. They point to items on the shelf they want, and Adam gets it for them. / Adam is snooping around the store in search of Time-Clock. He also goes outside and looks around but to no avail. / With no currency he can use, Adam gets to eat with Barney Kroger. It’s good food, but it’s not pizza. Adam was shocked to learn they didn’t sell frozen pizzas at the store back then. He has to drink a glass of water which is not as clean as he’d like it to be. Adam would prefer some delicious Mountain Dew, but that wouldn’t be invented until 1940. / Adam continues working at the store, while Professor Tincher spends time in both 1883 and 2014.

("Transit of Venus March") https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrpfAoiXzgc

CUT TO: Kroger 717, present day. Katie and Mickey are bagging. The place is packed with customers. There is a threat of snow, so naturally every person from Ohio has to do their shopping now.

Katie Collins: I can’t believe Adam’s not here today.

Mickey Tork: I think he’s the only person who’s not.

Katie Collins: He’s always wandering the store or calling off. I wonder how he even keeps his job.

Mickey Tork: Well he’s good friends with Mr. Tincher. I’m sure that has something to do with it.

Katie Collins: Yeah.

Mickey Tork: Mr. Tincher is also the guy who helps and mentors Masked Bagger. Of course, Adam first showed up around the same time Masked Bagger did. I wonder if…

Katie Collins: You’re not saying Adam is Masked Bagger? Imma need you to jumpstart your brain!

Mickey Tork: Yeah, you’re right. I’m being silly.

Customer: (to Mickey) And slow. Could you hurry it up? I’d like to get home before the snow covers my car and I’m stranded here.

CUT TO: Back to 1883. It’s now the third day, which is both the day Time-Clock is set to leave, and the day Barney Kroger is to die. Roy’s losing money to the competition and he’s upset. The Kroger Devil and Roy Carter are in the back room of Carter’s.

Kroger Devil: Barney Kroger needs to die. That’s the only way you are going to get ahead of the competition.

Roy Carter: I most certainly will not take a man’s life.

Kroger Devil: You most certainly will… take the fall.

Roy Carter: Who are you, anyway?

Kroger Devil: I’m a devil.

Roy Carter: That’s preposterous! You’re not the devil!

Kroger Devil: Not *the* devil, no. I’m *a* devil. The devil of Kroger’s place over there.

Roy Carter: A place has its own devil?

Kroger Devil: This one does.

Roy Carter: Be gone. I want nothing more to do with you!

Kroger Devil: We’ll have to do this the fun way… against your will.

The Kroger Devil puts his hand on Roy’s forehead, which causes his eyes to turn red. Roy is now under the control of that rotten devil.

CUT TO: Adam is behind the counter. Barney enters the store.

Barney Kroger: I’ve returned from making deliveries. This is great. I’m really in the grocery business.

Adam Hauck: Thanks for making those deliveries in my place since I don’t have my horse and buggy license.

Barney Kroger: It’s quite alright. I’m enjoying it.

Adam Hauck: Also, thanks for setting me up in the hotel across the street. It’s good to know my employer is also my friend.

Barney Kroger: I’m not going to have my employee living on the street. It could be bad for business.

Roy Carter enters the store with a glazed look in his eyes and a gun in his hand. He aims it at Barney. Adam ducks down and quickly puts on his Masked Bagger outfit. He then gets up and stands next to Kroger.

Roy Carter: Who are you?

Masked Bagger: Masked Bagger. Don’t do this, Roy.

Roy Carter: Don’t talk to me like I have a choice in the matter.

Roy Carter, possessed by the Kroger Devil, shoots at Barney but Masked Bagger pushes him out of the way and literally takes a bullet for him. Our hero drops to the floor. Both men are shocked, especially Roy, who runs out of the store. Barney Kroger kneels down beside the masked hero.

Barney Kroger: I don’t know who you are under that mask, but you have saved my life. I am eternally grateful.

Professor Tincher returns to the scene and finds Masked Bagger laying on the floor. He doesn’t know what to think.

Professor Tincher: Adam? What happened?

Masked Bagger: Barney, I would gladly do it again. Could you give me a moment to myself, though?

Barney Kroger: Certainly.

Barney leaves the store. Once he’s out, our hero begins talking.

Masked Bagger: Professor, I guess this is goodbye. I’m sorry I failed you. I did my best.

Professor Tincher: You didn’t fail me, Adam. You have been a superb superhero. I’m so proud of you.

Masked Bagger: Please tell Katie that I love her, and I’m happy for her that she’s found someone who makes her happy.

Professor Tincher: I’ll tell her.

Masked Bagger: Thank you, Professor. Thank you for giving me this life. I’ve had so much fun as The Masked Bagger. It’s given my life meaning. I guess you’ll have to find someone else to don the mask and fight evil at 717 now.

Professor Tincher: I don’t want to think about that right now. I just can’t believe your bulletproof vest failed.

Masked Bagger: Bulletproof vest?

Professor Tincher: Your jacket - it’s bulletproof. It didn’t work though.

Masked Bagger opens up his jacket and notices there’s no wound on his chest.

Masked Bagger: Okay, that explains why I’m not bleeding all over the place and why I feel fine.

Professor Tincher: Huh?

Masked Bagger: There’s a chance I’m not dying. I just assumed I was because I was shot and all.

They both smile and soon burst out laughing. This attracts the attention of Barney Kroger, who rushes back inside.

Masked Bagger: I’m going to be alright. My jacket caught the bullet.

Kroger extends his hand to our hero and helps him up off the floor.

Barney Kroger: Wonderful!

Professor Tincher spots Time-Clock out the window, hiding in some bushes.

Professor Tincher: Adam, I see Time-Clock! He’s outside in some bushes! Go get him!

Masked Bagger: Mr. Kroger, you have a great business here. I wish you the best of luck with it.

Barney Kroger: Thank you, but you sound as if you’re leaving.

Masked Bagger: I am, and so is (he takes off his mask, revealing his identity) Marty McFly. My real name is Adam Hauck. I don’t know why I lied about that before. You’ve been a great boss, but I have to go, so goodbye.

Barney Kroger: Goodbye, Masked Bagger. Thank you for everything.

Masked Bagger puts his mask back on, runs outside, and attacks Time-Clock, who gets out of the bushes. They begin to fight. Masked Bagger punches Time-Clock in the face. It hurts only our hero, since the villain’s face is made of metal. Suddenly, Professor Tincher gets a chill down his spine. He sees the Kroger Devil standing there, watching the fight.

Professor Tincher: Adam, look!

Masked Bagger: Professor, is that who I think it is?

Professor Tincher: Oh yes - The Kroger Devil. He looks slightly different, but that’s him. I’m really glad he can’t see me right now. Of course, he doesn’t know who I am at this point in history anyways.

Masked Bagger: Probably because you don’t exist at this point in history.

Professor Tincher: That’s why, yes.

Kroger Devil: Well, well, what do we have here? A man in a mask fighting a man in some freaky metal armor?

Masked Bagger: You answered your own question, Devil!

Kroger Devil: You don’t get to speak my name, Masky! I want to talk to the man in charge. Give me Kroger!

Barney walks outside.

Barney Kroger: I’m here. What do you want with me?

Kroger Devil: I’m gonna burn this place to the ground. I just want you to know that, and that there’s nothing you can do about it.

An army of little demons appear behind Kroger Devil. Their hands are made of fire and they look anxious.

Professor Tincher: You have to stop this.

Masked Bagger: I don’t know how.

Professor Tincher: Neither do I, but just find a way.

Masked Bagger: You really *are* management.

Barney Kroger: Just hold it right there. No one will harm my building, but even if they do, it won’t change anything. I’ll just rebuild. You can destroy the building but not the spirit of the man or his will to go on.

Kroger Devil: So I have permission to destroy the building?

Barney Kroger: Not quite.

Kroger Devil: Good. I like it better this way. Demons… destroy!

All the little demons run to the building. Masked Bagger runs in front of them and as they try to enter, he kicks them away. This doesn’t stop them. It only slows them down. They are determined to get inside. The 717 Guardian doesn’t stop, either. He keeps on kicking them away from the building.

Barney Kroger: I know who you are, Devil. I was warned about you. I also know that I am the only person who can defeat you.

Barney runs for the Kroger Devil. They roll around on the ground for a little bit, fighting. The little demons are wore out. Masked Bagger looks at Time-Clock and notices that the clock on his chest is counting down from ten. Masked Bagger runs over and jumps on Time-Clock, knocking him down. Once they land, our hero realizes he’s back in 2014. He gets off Time-Clock, who immediately stands up.

Masked Bagger: We’re back! You’re under arrest!

Time-Clock: I don’t think so!

Professor Tincher, no longer a hologram, runs over to the villain.

Professor Tincher: Chuck, how could you betray me? You know why I need the armor. Give it back!

Time-Clock removes his mask, revealing Chuck’s face. He smiles.

Time-Clock: Is it too obvious that I’m gonna say no, or should I not worry about it, and just say no?

Masked Bagger punches the villain in his stomach. This affects the armor and suddenly a time portal opens behind Hardy. He is sucked through, and has no control over where he’s going.

Masked Bagger: What happened?

Professor Tincher: I don’t know, but he’s gone.

Masked Bagger: Will he be back?

Professor Tincher: I don’t know. I hope so. I need that armor.

Masked Bagger: What about the past?

Professor Tincher: Oh, you mean 1883? Well things worked out. Just like in the original timeline, Barney Kroger defeated the Kroger Devil and banished him for a little over 120 years. Which is what I knew would happen. That’s why I wasn’t really worried for you. It wasn’t your job to defeat the Kroger Devil. It was Kroger’s. Although you’ll get your turn with him at some point.

Masked Bagger: (sarcastically) Yay.

CUT TO: Mickey and Katie walk by and spot Adam coming out of the office. They stop to talk to him.

Mickey Tork: Adam, there you are. We haven’t seen you in a couple days. Where’ve you been?

Adam Hauck: Uh, Mr. Tincher wanted me to write an article about the history of Kroger for the Gazette, so I’ve been busy doing the research. Hey, it was either that or bag, ha-ha.

They don’t find it funny since they had to spend the whole time bagging.

Adam Hauck: Mickey, if you don’t mind, I’d like to talk to Katie alone.

Mickey Tork: Okay.

Mickey walks away.

Katie Collins: What is it?

Adam Hauck: I have to say that, um, you are everything to me. When I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, you will play a prominent role in that flash back. Even though I know I won’t even make the cut in yours.

Katie Collins: Adam, that’s sweet, but you know I’m with Austin.

Adam Hauck: I know. I just want you to know exactly how I feel. If anything ever happens to me, I don’t want to leave this world without you knowing that I love you, Katie Collins, with all my heart.

Katie smiles.

Katie Collins: You’re weird.

Adam knows she doesn’t return the feelings he has for her, and is satisfied - for now at least - with the smile and joking insult. Suddenly, Mickey runs past them.

Mickey Tork: The birds are back!

He runs off. Adam and Katie look at one another.

Katie Collins: You better get to the photo lab and hide.

Adam Hauck: (smiles) It’s what I do.

Adam runs to the photo lab and looks back. Katie walks off in the other direction. This gives him the chance to head up front, where he gets in the bagger’s closet and becomes Masked Bagger. Dressed as the guardian of 717, our hero shouts out…

Masked Bagger: Yippie-Ki-Yay, Mother-Feathers!

He then begins to fight off the giant birds, protecting the people of the store once again.

CUT TO: Since this is a time travel issue, let’s go ahead to Kroger 717 in the future. There is a man standing in front of a few young employees.

Future Man: And THAT is the story of The Masked Bagger.

Employee #1: Is it over? What kind of an ending is that? Did Adam and Katie ever get together? Did the Professor ever find a way to reform all the bad guys? What happened to everybody?

Future Man: They all died. After all, these stories happened over 200 years ago!

Employee #2: Tell us more!

Future Man: You want more stories of The Masked Bagger?

All the Employees at Once: Yes!

Future Man: Okay, but I’m beginning to feel like that guy who spent nine years telling his kids the story of how he met their mother. Let’s see. I have some more adventures to talk about. Some of then include a pop villain, a crazy pharmacist, four of the villains teaming up, and an adventure in the land of Oz. I should let you know that these upcoming stories are… magnificent!

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

Read “The Magnificent Masked Bagger” Coming Soon!

On this day six years ago, I released the very first issue of "The Masked Bagger" to a few of my friends and co-workers.