Frank Gannucci
12-22-2016, 07:05 AM
(A Honeymooners Xmas.)
(Ralph & Ed are still locked up at Walmart. It is 11:50p.)
Ralph: “This is it. This is the end of life for me.”
Ed: “Christmas Eve & Christmas Day RUINED.”
(Ralph looks out the window. The girls are coming with a policeman.)
(The girls come by with Alice’s parents.)
Alice’s Mom: “There is the bum. He was stupid enough to shop at the last minute.”
Ralph: “One of these days Norton, she is going to push me too far.”
Alice’s Mom: “The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer.”
(The cop opens the door and Ralph & Ed are free.)
Alice: “Well Ralph, what do you two have to say for yourselves?”
Trixie: “Yes.”
Ralph: “All right. We are sorry for shopping at the last minute. We should have shopped earlier.”
Ed: “I agree. We didn’t eat the whole night.”
Ralph: “I am hungry. I can eat a whole house…AND DON’T SAY ANYTHING ALICE.”
Trixie: “Since Alice’s Dad and us still has the gifts in their car that we all took, we all thought we should celebrate Christmas right here. It’s almost midnight.”
Alice: “That is a great idea.”
Alice’s Dad: “I agree.”
(Alice’s parents exchange their gifts.)
(Trixie and Ed exchange their gifts.)
Trixie: "This is for you Ed."
(Ed opens it.)
Ed: "Hey, Trixie you are a lovely woman. I love the fact that you gave me a PS4.”
(Ed gives Trixie his gift.)
Trixie: "Ed, I love it. It’s a garlic press. At least it wasn't another orange juice squeezer where you squeeze the orange on Napoloean's head and the juice squirts out of his ears or a whole lot of oranges.”
(The Nortons kiss.)
Alice: "Here's your gift Ralph."
(Ralph opens it.)
Ralph: "It's a new bowling bag ball. I mean a new bowling ball bag."
Ralph: "Here is your gift sweetheart."
(Alice sees it up.)
Alice: "Ralph, I love them. It's a cd player and a hair dryer."
Ralph: "I know. Now you can play Christmas music and listen to Adele. Hahaha! What a great voice she has.”
(They kiss.)
(Adele comes by. Crowd cheers.)
(Everyone is stunned.)
Ralph: “Huminahumina.”
Adele: “Me and my family decided to take a walk from midnight mass to our hotel. They stopped to take a look at the Christmas lights.”
Ed: “You should have seen the lights that are on our apartment building: 328 Chauncey Street. Ralph covered that whole building with lights and we were all shocked when they didn’t work and he had to check every light. When he was checking lights on the ladder, I am surprised that the ladder didn’t collapse under his weight.”
(Ralph elbows Ed.)
Ed: “Hey Adele, all the people where I work at listen to your music unless the tide comes in.”
(Ralph elbows Ed again.)
Ralph (nervously): “I listen to your music on the dus that I brive.”
(Adele laughs.)
(Ralph gets up.)
Ralph: "I will say this again. I love saying this. Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up – red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas.' Well, maybe except if you got to Walmart."
(Crowd boos.)
Ralph: "Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home – you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place you're going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"
(They each kiss and hug their respective partners. The curtain starts to close but Jackie stops it.)
Jackie: "Ladies and gentlemen, we don't normally step out of character this way, but I want to change things up. Let's introduce every one of the cast. First: Jean Kean."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Art Carney."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: “Ethel Owen!”
(Crowd cheers.)
Jackie: “Also, Howard St. John. The guy who plays Alice’s Dad.”
(Crowd cheers.)
Jackie: "And Adele.”
(Crowd cheers.)
Jackie: “Now Sammy Spear, Adele is too young for you.”
(Everyone laughs hysterically.)
Jackie: “She is young enough to be your granddaughter.”
(Everyone laughs more hysterically.)
Jackie: “Well, all of us should sing: 'Jingle Bells.' Don't worry, unlike Mr. Sammy Spear, we won't sing the juvenille version."
(Everyone laughs.)
All (singing): "Dashing through the snow/In a one horse open sleigh/Over the fields we go/Laughing all the way (ha ha ha)/bells on bob tail ring/making spirits bright/what fun it is to laugh and sing a sleighing song tonight./ Oh jingle bells jingle bells/jingle all the way!/Oh what fun it is to ride and sing In a one horse open sleigh, Hey!/Jingle bells jingle bells/Jingle all the way!/Oh what joy it is to ride/in a one horse open sleigh./A day or two ago I thought I'd took a ride/and soon Miss Fannie Bright/seated by my side/the horse was lean and lank/misfortuned seemed his lot/he got into a drifted bank/and we we got upsot/oh jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way!/Oh what fun it is to ride/In a one horse open sleigh, Hey!/Jingle bells jingle bells Jingle all the way!/Oh what joy it is to ride/In a one horse open sleigh./A day of two ago/The story I must tell/I went out on the snow/And on my back I fell;/A gent was riding by in a one-horse open sleigh/he laughed a there I sprawling lie/but quickly drove away/Oh jingle bells jingle bells/jingle all the way!/Oh what fun it is to ride/In a one horse open sleigh, Hey!/Jingle bells jingle bells/Jingle all the way!/Oh what joy it is to ride/in a one horse open sleigh/the ground is white/go it while you're young/take the girls to night/and sing this sleighing song/just get a bob tailed bay/to forty as his speed/hitch him to an open sleigh/and crack you'll take the lead."
(Everyone cheers.)
Jackie (yells): "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! THE MIAMI BEACH AUDIENCES ARE THE GREATEST AUDIENCES IN THE WORLD."
(The crowd erupts with cheers.)
Credit for the lyrics goes to http://www.metrolyrics.com/jingle-be...as-carols.html
(Ralph & Ed are still locked up at Walmart. It is 11:50p.)
Ralph: “This is it. This is the end of life for me.”
Ed: “Christmas Eve & Christmas Day RUINED.”
(Ralph looks out the window. The girls are coming with a policeman.)
(The girls come by with Alice’s parents.)
Alice’s Mom: “There is the bum. He was stupid enough to shop at the last minute.”
Ralph: “One of these days Norton, she is going to push me too far.”
Alice’s Mom: “The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer.”
(The cop opens the door and Ralph & Ed are free.)
Alice: “Well Ralph, what do you two have to say for yourselves?”
Trixie: “Yes.”
Ralph: “All right. We are sorry for shopping at the last minute. We should have shopped earlier.”
Ed: “I agree. We didn’t eat the whole night.”
Ralph: “I am hungry. I can eat a whole house…AND DON’T SAY ANYTHING ALICE.”
Trixie: “Since Alice’s Dad and us still has the gifts in their car that we all took, we all thought we should celebrate Christmas right here. It’s almost midnight.”
Alice: “That is a great idea.”
Alice’s Dad: “I agree.”
(Alice’s parents exchange their gifts.)
(Trixie and Ed exchange their gifts.)
Trixie: "This is for you Ed."
(Ed opens it.)
Ed: "Hey, Trixie you are a lovely woman. I love the fact that you gave me a PS4.”
(Ed gives Trixie his gift.)
Trixie: "Ed, I love it. It’s a garlic press. At least it wasn't another orange juice squeezer where you squeeze the orange on Napoloean's head and the juice squirts out of his ears or a whole lot of oranges.”
(The Nortons kiss.)
Alice: "Here's your gift Ralph."
(Ralph opens it.)
Ralph: "It's a new bowling bag ball. I mean a new bowling ball bag."
Ralph: "Here is your gift sweetheart."
(Alice sees it up.)
Alice: "Ralph, I love them. It's a cd player and a hair dryer."
Ralph: "I know. Now you can play Christmas music and listen to Adele. Hahaha! What a great voice she has.”
(They kiss.)
(Adele comes by. Crowd cheers.)
(Everyone is stunned.)
Ralph: “Huminahumina.”
Adele: “Me and my family decided to take a walk from midnight mass to our hotel. They stopped to take a look at the Christmas lights.”
Ed: “You should have seen the lights that are on our apartment building: 328 Chauncey Street. Ralph covered that whole building with lights and we were all shocked when they didn’t work and he had to check every light. When he was checking lights on the ladder, I am surprised that the ladder didn’t collapse under his weight.”
(Ralph elbows Ed.)
Ed: “Hey Adele, all the people where I work at listen to your music unless the tide comes in.”
(Ralph elbows Ed again.)
Ralph (nervously): “I listen to your music on the dus that I brive.”
(Adele laughs.)
(Ralph gets up.)
Ralph: "I will say this again. I love saying this. Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up – red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas.' Well, maybe except if you got to Walmart."
(Crowd boos.)
Ralph: "Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home – you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place you're going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"
(They each kiss and hug their respective partners. The curtain starts to close but Jackie stops it.)
Jackie: "Ladies and gentlemen, we don't normally step out of character this way, but I want to change things up. Let's introduce every one of the cast. First: Jean Kean."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Art Carney."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: “Ethel Owen!”
(Crowd cheers.)
Jackie: “Also, Howard St. John. The guy who plays Alice’s Dad.”
(Crowd cheers.)
Jackie: "And Adele.”
(Crowd cheers.)
Jackie: “Now Sammy Spear, Adele is too young for you.”
(Everyone laughs hysterically.)
Jackie: “She is young enough to be your granddaughter.”
(Everyone laughs more hysterically.)
Jackie: “Well, all of us should sing: 'Jingle Bells.' Don't worry, unlike Mr. Sammy Spear, we won't sing the juvenille version."
(Everyone laughs.)
All (singing): "Dashing through the snow/In a one horse open sleigh/Over the fields we go/Laughing all the way (ha ha ha)/bells on bob tail ring/making spirits bright/what fun it is to laugh and sing a sleighing song tonight./ Oh jingle bells jingle bells/jingle all the way!/Oh what fun it is to ride and sing In a one horse open sleigh, Hey!/Jingle bells jingle bells/Jingle all the way!/Oh what joy it is to ride/in a one horse open sleigh./A day or two ago I thought I'd took a ride/and soon Miss Fannie Bright/seated by my side/the horse was lean and lank/misfortuned seemed his lot/he got into a drifted bank/and we we got upsot/oh jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way!/Oh what fun it is to ride/In a one horse open sleigh, Hey!/Jingle bells jingle bells Jingle all the way!/Oh what joy it is to ride/In a one horse open sleigh./A day of two ago/The story I must tell/I went out on the snow/And on my back I fell;/A gent was riding by in a one-horse open sleigh/he laughed a there I sprawling lie/but quickly drove away/Oh jingle bells jingle bells/jingle all the way!/Oh what fun it is to ride/In a one horse open sleigh, Hey!/Jingle bells jingle bells/Jingle all the way!/Oh what joy it is to ride/in a one horse open sleigh/the ground is white/go it while you're young/take the girls to night/and sing this sleighing song/just get a bob tailed bay/to forty as his speed/hitch him to an open sleigh/and crack you'll take the lead."
(Everyone cheers.)
Jackie (yells): "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! THE MIAMI BEACH AUDIENCES ARE THE GREATEST AUDIENCES IN THE WORLD."
(The crowd erupts with cheers.)
Credit for the lyrics goes to http://www.metrolyrics.com/jingle-be...as-carols.html