Episode Reviews: "Surprise Party" & "Easter Hats" ('52 version):

Episode #13
TV, VHS & DVD: Still lost.

I am assuming that this is an earlier version of "House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

The girls are discussing on what to do for Ralph's birthday. Alice wants to give Ralph a cake with "Happy Birthday Ralph" on it. She changes the flavor because the previous flavor is a flavor that he likes and she just got him a belt and she wants to make sure it fits. Trixie: "If it doesn't, you can always exchange it for bigger size." Alice: "There is no bigger size." Ha! They finish up the plans and the guest list. Trixie leaves. The boys come in from their Raccoon meeting. They play on eating the pizza pie they have with them. Ralph is apparently on a diet and Alice orders him to eat the salad that she made for him. Alice goes to bed as the boys eat. Ralph: "This is not a bad salad. Everything in this salad is good for you. Got carrots for your eyes. Beats for your blood. Lettuce for your teeth. Everything in here is good for you." Ed: "Poor little pizza. Ain't good for nothing." Ed is really enjoying the pizza pie. Ralph wants a teeney-wenney piece. Ed chops up a piece that is too small so Ralph asks for a bigger piece. Ed says that the bigger piece is an itsy-bitsy piece. Ed: "This is an itsy-bitsy piece and this is a teeney-wenney piece." The boys spot the guest list and the fact that Alice has not forgotten about Ralph's birthday and she's planning for a surprise party for him tomorrow night. Ed says that the bets way for him not to ruin the surprise party is to act surprised. Ed demonstrates in a very bad way that you can tell that his "surprise" is not real. Alice wakes up and Ed almost spills the beans.

The next morning, Alice is talking to Andre, the Interior Decorator at a department store. Trixie comes by and Alice offers the great news. Andre's Department Store is going to decorate the apartment for nothing and they will get free publicity in Sunday's paper. When Andre, the interior decorator came into the kitchen from the bedroom, you can see an empty ashtray and Andre holding his cigar. If you watch closely when Trixie is talking to Alice, you can see Andre holding his cigar until he reaches for his briefcase and the cigar is no longer in his hand--it's in the ashtray without seeing him reach in the ashtray to place it there. Andre is going to come by tonight to ask Alice on what they should do to the apartment and the following morning, while Ralph is gone, Andre and his workers will redecorate the place. Ralph is not supposed to know about this, so this will be a big surprise when he gets home tomorrow night (Alice has rescheduled the party for tomorrow night, unbeknownst to Ralph). Isn't this like TLC's, "While You Were Out" program? Andre and Trixie leave. Alice gets into the bedroom. Ralph comes home, expecting a surprise party, but doesn't get anything. He is upset. Alice comes out and says that she will go upstairs to Trixie's. Ralph: "I will be up there when you need me." Alice doesn't know what he's talking about. Ralph starts to sing "Happy Birthday" and when Ed comes down, he dances with him a little bit. Ed says that there is no surprise party upstairs and the fact that Ralph didn't get one tonight, maybe the surprise is that Ralph will get no party. Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

Later on, Ralph is still home. Alice is waiting for Andre to come and for Ralph to go bowling. Ed comes down too. Ralph and Ed spot a man's glove (Andre's) in the dresser, so naturally Ralph thinks that Alice is cheating on him. Alice comes out all dressed up. She sarcastically says that Winston Churchill came over when Ralph was gone and she couldn't greet Winny in just anything but she doesn't explain to Ralph why she is wearing it again. She leaves the room and when Ed spots Andre's cigarette; he says that Alice might be correct.

Later on that night, Alice is getting worried that Ralph will be here when Andre will get here and that he will be late for bowling. Ed comes down all ready to bowl but Ralph isn't. He says that his home is being broken up. So, they will trick Alice to say that they are leaving and they go outside on the fire escape, and surprise the suspected Gigolo. They, off course, forget their bowling balls, so Ed goes down to get them. A knock is heard and Ed, being scared, thinks that's the guy, and leaves the balls there. Alice says to Andre that she is coming. While no one is in the room, Ralph gets the bowling balls and hits his head on the window. Ralph is all mad as he is standing outside with Ed. Andre comes in. Alice doesn't notice that the bowling balls on the kitchen table are now gone. Andre wants to get his glove that he left here that Ralph has unbeknownst to Alice and Andre. After hearing that Alice saying that Ralph would make things difficult for him if he got some input on the new design of the place. Ralph still doesn't know that the place will be redecorated and when Alice knows that the glove that Andre left is missing, Ralph yells: "HA HA!" He says that he will kill Andre. Andre cancels her plans to redecorate the place after hearing that Ralph will kill him (despite the fact that he has no proof that he's her husband) and leaves. Alice explains everything to Ralph and that Ralph has ruined it. Ed leaves. Ralph apologizes to Alice. Ralph & Alice hug and kiss.

Episode #14
TV. VHS, DVD: Still lost.

Thanks to ChrisTV of sitcomsonline.com for posting the script of the later version of this episode. I am assuming that it isn't one and the same as far as lines go but here it is.


"THE HONEYMOONERS"
"EASTER HATS"

Announcer
And now it's time for another visit with two of your favorite characters, Ralph and Alice Kramden, better known to you as "The Honeymooners".. You know there's an old saying goes "In the spring a young mans fancy turns to thoughts of love"… However a woman's fancy turns to thoughts of spring cleaning… So let’s look in on the Kramden household as Alice is in the midst of her spring cleaning.

[As travelers part camera holds on an establishing shot of the "Kramden Kitchen". The stage is dark for a split then Alice emerges from bedroom. She is wearing a kerchief around her head, and is carrying a broom in one hand and carrying curtains in the other. She sets broom against wall and crosses to stove where a large pot of water is boiling. Trixie enters.]

Alice
Hello Trixie.

Trixie
H'ya Alice. You almost done with your cleaning?

Alice
Yeah, and am I dead. I cleaned the whole house to-day, everything. And just my luck, some vacuum cleaner salesman will come around tomorrow to demonstrate….. Will you lift the lid off that pot, Trixie?

[She lifts lid.]

Trixie
Sure, what are you doing?

Alice
I'm going to boil these bedroom curtains, they're filthy.

[Alice sticks curtains in pot.]

Are you done with your cleaning Trix?

Trixie
Yeah, and was my place dirty. When I finished cleaning I found two new rooms!... I'm so tired I'm going to sleep right after dinner.

Alice
I wish I could do that but when Ralph gets home we're going to color some eggs. I'm going to give them out to the kids in the building for Easter.

Trixie
Gee, that's real thoughtful, Alice.

Alice
Say, Trix will you help me get the mattress back on the bed?

Trixie
Sure.

[As Trixie and Alice enter bedroom. Ralph and Norton enter from street.]

Ralph
Anybody home?

Alice [From bedroom]
Be with you in a minute.

Ralph [Sniffing]
Something smells good.

[Norton sniffs too.]

Norton
Yeah.

[As Ralph crosses to the stove Norton follows him. Ralph lifts lid.]

Ralph
Looks like we're having soup to-night.

[He tastes spoonful and registers satisfaction.]

Pretty good for a girl who couldn't cook when we first got married… Norton, just taste this.

[He gives Norton a spoonful. Norton reacts indifferently.]

Norton
I think it needs a little salt.

Ralph
Yeah, a little salt and pepper wouldn't hurt it.

[As Ralph takes salt and pepper shaker from stove and starts to season contents of pot, Alice and Trixie enter from bedroom.]

Alice
Ralph, what are you doing to my curtains?

Ralph
Norton, I just added a little salt and… (Take) CUUURRTTTTAAIINNNSSS! What are you trying to do, poison me?

Norton
I'm telling you, Ralph a little more pepper and it'll be fine.

Ralph
Norton, You are a mental case.

Trixie
C'mon Ed, I'll give you your dinner.

[As Trixie and Norton exit]

Norton
See you later folks.

Alice
Sit down and I'll fix you something to eat.

Ralph
I'm not hungry now. I had too much for lunch. Besides I'm aggravated.

Alice
What's wrong, Ralph?

Ralph [Walking joke]
Everything happens to me. Alice, I'm the unluckiest bus driver in New York. Look, in New York there are three million private cars… Twenty five thousand taxis… Fifteen thousand trucks and fifteen thousand busses. Now I've been driving a bus for twelve years with a clean record, and today I had my first accident…. Did I run into a private car? A bus? A taxi? A truck? No! I had to run into a police car!

Alice
Was anybody hurt?

Ralph
No, nobody was hurt, but twenty seven passengers are suing the bus company, including three guys who didn't get on till the next stop!

[Ralph reaches into his pocket, extracts packets of coloring.]

Oh, here's the coloring I got for the Easter eggs.

Alice
Did you get different colors?

Ralph
Yeah lets see I got red, green, blue, yellow and white.

[He hands packets to Alice.]

Alice [Quizzically]
White?? What can we use white for?

Ralph
I don't know, uh… maybe we can use it to color the brown eggs!

Alice
Did you stop at the store to get the decals?

[Ralph searching in his pocket.]

Ralph
Yeah.

Alice
Good. After we eat we can transfer the pictures on the eggs… Did you get the Mother Goose characters like I asked you?

Ralph
They were all out of those so I got some assorted cockamamies.

Alice
What do you mean assorted?

Ralph
Assorted that's what I mean… Give me your hand I'll show you.

Alice
What are you going to do, Ralph?

Ralph
Give me your hand.

[Ralph takes single decal, wets it on his tongue and slaps it on the back of Alice’s palm. He rubs it with the forefinger of his hand. Then lifts transfer... And exclaims as he points at picture on Alice’s hand.]

There you are… Arthur Tracey The Street Singer.

Alice
who’s the street singer?

Ralph
I don't know… but he must be somebody important if they put his picture on a cockamamie….. Did you get enough eggs, Alice?

Alice
I got six dozen. There they are.

[She points to table. Ralph picks up bill, glances at it.]

Ralph
Ninety five cents a dozen for eggs?????

Alice
That's what they cost, Ralph. A week ago these same eggs cost seventy cents a dozen.

Ralph
I can't understand it. A week ago these eggs sold for seventy cents… Now they're ninety five cents a dozen? What does the farmer do? Go into the hen house where the chickens are sitting, and say "hold it" till the prices go up?

Alice
You can't blame the farmer.

Ralph
Oh, I can't blame the farmer. I suppose it’s the chickens fault. I can see it now… The hens walking up and down in front of the farmhouse carrying picket signs reading… "We want more money… We're tired of working for chicken feed!"

Alice
What are you getting excited about?

Ralph
You could have gotten eggs for fifty cents a dozen. We're just going to color em. Not eat em.

Alice
I'm sorry, I just didn't think.

Ralph
That’s just it. You don't think. If you thought a little, a dollar bill would go a lot further around this house.

Alice
Look, Ralph, don't act like I fritter your salary away. I make every penny reach as far as possible. I couldn't even save enough out of your earnings to buy me a new hat for Easter.

Ralph
A new hat? What about the hat I bought you for your birthday?

Alice
You mean the one with all the ostrich feathers on it?

Ralph
That’s the one.

Alice
Some hat. Every time I put it on I feel like burying my head in the ground.

Ralph [Steamed]
What, are you complaining?

Alice
No. I'm not complaining. But my sister’s husband doesn't make anymore than you do, and my sisters always buying dresses, hats and shoes.

Ralph
Yeah, but your sister's husband doesn't have the expenses I do. He lives in a low rent district! And besides what are you always talking about buying clothes. What are you trying to do? Get on the list of the ten best dressed women?

Alice [Holding broom]
Yeah. I almost made it this year, but the Duchess of Windsor nosed me out!

Ralph
What are you yapping about? The last time I bought a suit it had two pair of pants and one of them was knickers!… And another thing, you know I've never owned a hat. Is that asking too much out of life to have a hat to call my own? Why even horses that pull junk wagons have hats. How do you think I feel when I walk into a restaurant and I walk by the hat check girl and I've got nothing to check? I got feelings, Alice; I'm not made out of iron.

[Alice crosses into bedroom. Ralph doesn't notice this and continues his lament.]

In the summer my heads exposed to the sun's rays. In the winter it's exposed to the cold and the snow. In the spring the rain beats on it. It's a wonder all this hasn't affected my brain… I must have a very thick skull!…

[Alice returns, places hat box on kitchen table, she strikes a pose and Ralph continues to rave.]

You know one of these nights I'm going to be coming home from work with my pay envelope in my hand and I'm going to see a hat store. I'm gonna walk right in and try on the first hat I see and buy it… And that ain't all… I'll buy myself a cap too… For my evening wear!

[He discovers Alice.]

That's what I'll do, Alice. That's what I'll do.

[He notices hat box. Opens it and extract hat.]

For me?

Alice
Yes for you. Happy Easter, Ralph.

Ralph
Gee! It's beautiful.

[He tries on hat.]

Alice
It's a little big… But I can exchange it.

Ralph
You'll do nothing of the kind. I love this hat… I'll put some newspaper in the hat and it'll fit fine. Oh, Alice, just go in the bedroom and look on top of the closet.

Alice
You don't mean you bought me a hat too.

Ralph
Just go in the bedroom and look.

[As Alice exits, Ralph completes putting newspapers into hat and puts it on. Alice enters wearing hat with hat box in hand.]

Alice
Oh, Ralph, it's gorgeous.

[Music sneaks in.]

Ralph
You look beautiful in that hat… Baby, we'll be a riot in that Easter parade…. I'm sorry about the way I hollered before… But I felt a little bad knowin' that I bought you a hat… And the price of eggs got in… I thought you were wastin' money… But it ain't your fault, Alice, I had a rough day today…..

Alice
That's okay, Ralph, I love you.

Ralph
Baby, You're the greatest.

[Blackout]