"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is strong enough to do that."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "Do you care if I waste away?"

Alice: "Sure I do Ralph. But you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Wisenheimer. I am going to put the key in a place where even if you know where it is, you wouldn't be able to find it. I am going to put it right under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I know New York from top to bottom."

Ed: "I have been working in the sewer for years. I know New York from bottom to top."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph (yells): "I AM NOT MISSING THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

Alice (yells): "LISTEN. YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR AND YOU WILL BE IN
THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Fred: "You will have to eat just as much to keep you alive Ralph."

Ed: "Even that will be too much."

"Sun & Fun & The Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph is trying to get into his uniform…his pants are too big. In the storyline, [and Jackie in real life, of course] he lost weight.)

Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock."

Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too."

"King of The Castle":

(Ralph explains to Ed that one time Alice wanted him to come home, but Ralph didn't.)

Ralph: "I showed her whose boss."

Ed: "What happened when you came home?"

Ralph: "Never mind about that."

"King of The Castle":

Ed: "You should write in the paper :'I Ralph Kramden, do not assume the debts of Alice Kramden.'"

Ralph: "It won't work. I tried that the day after we were married."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

(Alice laughs at Ralph's "Death letter.")

Alice: "This is a riot."

Ralph: "This is a riot. We will see how much of a riot it is when you have to finish the payments on the ice box."

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "I am going to count to 10 and when I do, I am going to belt you."

Ed: "I am not scared of you. If you could count to 10, you wouldn't be investigated by the IRS."

Ralph (yells): "OUT!"

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

Alice: "Hi Ed."

Ed: "Whaddaya say Alice?" (to Ralph): "Hello Skinny."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "Loans are a bank's lifeblood."

Ralph: "Good because we are in desparate need of a transfusion."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "Tell them Alice. Do I wear a girdle?"

Alice: "No."

Ralph: "There you are."

Alice: "He wanted one but they don't make them that big."

"Mexican Hat Trick":

Ralph: "Well Norton, do I look like a gay Cabrello?"

Ed: "Let me see you walk."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

(Alice warns Ralph about his behavior towards Uncle Howard.)

Alice: "You are going to say: `Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts.'"

Ralph: "Don't worry."

(The butler comes in and Ralph thinks it is Uncle Howard.)

Ralph: "Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Howard: "Someday, I would like to meet your wife. You are a fine man. Even though I only met you seconds ago, I wish I had a son like you."

Ed: "Take me. I'm yours."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Trixie was down here and she said that she saw you on the show."

Ralph: "She was? Well, what did she say?"

Alice: "Well, she said that she was the biggest thing on TV."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph: "I am not the type that eats-and-runs."

Alice: "Eats-and-runs? With the way you eat, you are lucky that you can walk."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Just remember, you can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arm around you."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ed: "I can you a job with me down in the sewer. All you have to do is pass the test."

Ralph: "What test?"

Ed: "Can you float?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You are willing to shell out money from your life insurance for this carzy idea. That settles it Ralph. You got rocks in your head."

Ralph (yells): "I GOT ROCKS IN MY HEAD? I GOT ROCKS IN MY HEAD? I GOT NOTHING IN MY HEAD!"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Alice: "The only thing that is overstuffed around here is YOU."

Ralph: "That is the same line that your mother used when I threw her out bodily."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "When you save the money, you can't take it with you."

Alice: "You are right. I never go anyplace."

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Ralph: "Alice, I hope that you are satisfied. You are the first woman in history to interupt that Raccoon song."

Alice: "Well Scottie-Wattie-Do-Dah-Day!"

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Uh, who should I call Norton?"

Ed: "Why don't you try the fire escape? Maybe someone is out there."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "Do you know that Ralph insisted on making the beds this morning?"

Trixie: "That is wonderful."

Alice: "What is wonderful is that he got me up at 5am so he can make them."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Trixie: "I don't know how Ed can become unconscious so fast."

Ralph: "He has got a pretty good head start."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Trixie: "Any mistake Ed has made, Ralph ahs talked him into."

Ralph: "I didn't talk him into marrying you, did I?"

"King of The Castle":

(Ralph explains to Ed that one time Alice wanted him to come home, but Ralph didn't.)

Ralph: "I showed her whose boss."

Ed: "What happened when you came home?"

Ralph: "Never mind about that."

"King of The Castle":

Ed: "You should write in the paper :'I Ralph Kramden, do not assume the debts of Alice Kramden.'"

Ralph: "It won't work. I tried that the day after we were married. "

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "I don't mind if Stanley eats like a garbage disposal, I just don't want him to sound like one."

Alice: "He has false teeth."

Ralph: "I know why. He wore out his real ones eating."

"Expectant Dad":

Ed: "When my son graduates from college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Well certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "You haven't touched this cornette in years."

Ralph: "I want to keep it."

Ed: "He has a point Alice. He hasn't seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win that $100, I am going to get myself some bowling shoes, a leather lumber jacket, and you are going to get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Life upon the Wicked Stage":

(Alice is dressed up as a hula girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

(Ralph gets introduced to Happy the puupy dog who is big and around Ralph, he gets vicious.)

Alice: "That's Happy."

Ralph: "He doesn't look happy to me."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."

Ralph: "What question was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"Head of The House":

Ed: "In my household, I am the boss of the household."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmm."

Ed: "I think that any man that is afraid of his wife, isn't a man."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmmm."

Ed: "And I can't stree this too strongly that a husband is the boss."

Interviewer: "Yes?"

Ed: "Now don't quote me because if my wife reads that, she will kill me."

"Head of The House":

Ralph: "Men are responsible for the shape the world is in."

Alice: "Well, I am glad to hear one of you finally admit it."

"Ralph's Diet":

Ralph: "I don't need to diet anymore. I lost a pound."

Alice: "Ralph, when you lose a pound, it's like Bayoone losing a mosquito."

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What do you do for a living?"

Ralph: "I brive a dus."

Herb: "You brive a dus?"

Ralph: "A dus I brive."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(The makeup lady put lipstick on Ralph's lips.)

Makeup Lady: "Go like this."

(She makes kissing noises with her lips. So does Ralph.)

Ed: "Don't just sit there Ralph. Kiss me."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Alice: "You are going to that wedding Ralph. You are going to the wedding. You are going to the wedding."

Ralph: "I am going to the ballgame."

Alice: "You are going to the wedding."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO THE BALLGAME."

Alice (yells): "YOU ARE GOING TO THE BALLGAME."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO THE WEDDING."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "I am going to the game."

(Ralph leaves.)

Alice: "You are not going to the game."

Ralph (opening the door): "I am going to the game."

(Ralph leaves.)

(Alice opens up the window.)

Alice (yells): "YOU ARE GOING TO MY SISTER'S WEDDING."

(Alice closes the window.)

(Ralph comes back up.)

Ralph (opening the door, yells): "I AM GOING TO THE GAME."

"Young At Heart":

(Ralph comes out with his crazy custome on.)

Ralph: "Well, how about it?...Well, how about it? What do you think?"

Ed: "Wait a minute. Just give me time to drink this whole thing in. It's like seeing Boulder Dam for the first time."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "What did you used to call your dad?"

Ed: "Long distance."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Well, I have to confess Mr. Faversham that I was in the 1927 follics of the bus drivers. As a matter of fact, I walked on stage and I didn't do anything and the audience was laughing."

Ed: "That ballet dress you had on didn't do you any harm."

"King of The Castle":

Ralph: "All the time, Trixie has been interrupting Ed's night's out by calling him on the phone and saying: 'Come home! Come home!' and all the time it is for nothing."

Alice: "This time, she wanted him over. Her mom was home."

Ralph: "That's the perfect reason for him not to come home."

"The Main Event":

Dynamite: "I need a manager. Someone who will give fights."

Ed: "Why don't you get the guy you KOed in 12 seconds?"

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "As usual, I'm carrying the whole load on my shoulders."

Alice: "You are carrying the load all right, but it's not on your shoulders."

"The Hypnotist Part 2":

Black Conductor: "You know your not going to see me again until we get to Chicago."

Ralph & Ed (yell in pain and act like they were sitting on a bed of hot coal): "CHICAGO!"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph (whispering): "Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What did you say?"

Ralph (whispering): "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shhh! Alice is asleep."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a shower."

Aunt Ethel: "Do you mind if I brush my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do it for you."

"Hello Mom":

Ed: "What's a five-letter word for fat?"

Alice: "Ralph."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Alice: "There's on old wives tale Ralph. 'A man works from sun-to-sun but a woman's work is never done."

Ralph: "Good gosh!"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "No one is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one that's big enough?"

"A Dog's Life":

Alice: "You know you Racoons have more emergency meetings than the U.N.?"

Ralph: "It turns out that the Racoons have more emergencies that the U.N."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "The Nortons had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"Battle of The Sexes":

(There's a bandage on Ed's head.)

Ralph: "What happened to you?"

Ed: "Remember the part that you told me to say to Trixie that I am the king of the castle? Trixie crowned me."

"Dinner Guest":

Alice: "Why don't you jump out the window?"

Ralph: "That is what you said yesterday."

Alice: "Yeah, but you didn't do it."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ralph is eating a stick of celery with a fork and knife right by him.)

Alice: "Ralph, how do you like your supper?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THAT WAS MY SUPPER?" (picking up the utensils, yells): "WHAT ARE THESE THINGS FOR, TO COMMIT SUICIDE WITH?"

"Boys & Girls Together":

Alice (hugging Ralph): "I suppose it's better with the lights on. That way I can see my big handsome man."

(She kisses Ralph on the cheek.)

Ralph: "Have you been at that beer?"

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "Alice wants a TV set."

Ed: "Ralph, how did she know about such a thing as TV. I thought that you kept her in the dark on things like that."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "Alice, where's my shoehorn?"

Alice: "It's in the top, left-hand drawer."

(Ralph looks.)

Ralph: "It's not in the top-hand, left-hand drawer."

Alice: "It must be there."

Ralph: "It must be. It must be but it's not. Don't say 'It must be' Alice. What you mean is maybe. Not must be, maybe."

(Alice looks in the drawer and finds it.)

Alice: "This must be it, maybe."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Mrs. Weidemyer: "Do you have nicknames that you would like to call your husband."

Alice: "Oh, I got several that I love to call him."

"Nephew of The Bride":

Trixie: "When I got married, I got this mannequin as a wedding present. I got two dummies in the smae day."

Ed: "Are you insuinuating that I was the other dummy?"

Trixie: "Yes dear."

Ed: "Good because I was hoping you weren't seeing another person behind my back."

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph is trying to get the milk from the fire escape.)

Aunt Ethel: "Be careful that you don't fall out."

Ralph: "Won't that be a catastrophe. Then you would have to have your coffee black."

"The Main Event":

(Alice is upset that Dynamite is staying with them.)

Ralph: "This guy holds the record for the quickest knockout."

Alice (getting ready to punch Ralph): "Get ready for a new record."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."

Ralph: "That is a shame. If you are no tbruning yourself, it's my food."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "That phone is for you-you-you."

(Phone rings. Alice picks up.)

Alice: "Hello?" (poking Ralph with the receiver): "It's for you-you-you."

"The $99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "I am going for my pot of gold."

Alice: "Just go for the gold. You already got the pot."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(Ralph & Ed are fighting.)

Ralph: "I have a million friends. I have 50 down at the bus depot. 50 down in the lodge. 50 down in the bowling alley. There's 100 right there."

Alice: "If you have so many, how come they never invite you anywhere?"

Ralph: "Because I am always with Ed and they don't like him either."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "How about last year at the dancing contest?"

Alice: "What about it?"

Ralph: "I won the rhumba contest, didn't I?"

Alice: "Only because I backed into a hot radiator."

"Expectant Dad" & "Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. They used to call us 'Big' & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "My dad used to say this: 'For one of a nail, a shoe is lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a battle was lost. And for one of a battle, a war was lost. And for one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost.'"

Alice: "Why don't you get lost?"

"Follow The Boys":

(Ralph & Alice are playing chess. Alice wants to spend more time with Ralph by forcing him to spend at least six nights a week with her, much to his chagrin)

Alice: "I win Ralph."

Ralph: "Let's celebrate. You go out to the movies and I'll shoot pool."

"Operation Protest":

(Ralph wants to beat up Clifford because Cliff caused Ralph to be fired.)

Alice: "You are going to hate yourself in the morning."

Ralph: "True, but I will be happy tonight."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "One of these days, you are going to push me too far."

Alice's Mom: "The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph is playing pinball.)

Ed: "You can still come up empty you know."

Ralph: "Empty? The only thing that is empty around here is your head."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I am going to get the $300 Alice. I am going to get the $300 if I have to sell everything in this house."

Alice: "Fine. But what are you going to do about the other $280?"

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

(Alice's Uncle George is coming to visit. Ralph hates him and wants to go to the fights.)

Ralph (yells): "I AM NOT GOING TO MISS THE YEAR'S BEST FIGHT."

Alice (yells): "LISTEN HERE. YOU WALK OUT OF THAT DOOR AND YOU WILL
BE IN THE YEAR'S BEST FIGHT."

"The Main Event":

(Ed is showing off his boxing skill for Dynamite.)

Ed: "Cover up your face Ralph! Cover your face! Cover your face!"

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWW!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! WHY DID YOU HIT ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER MY FACE!"

Ed (yells): "I WAS SHOWING DYNAMITE NOT TO TRUST ANYBODY IN THE RING."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I am a nobody."

Ed: "I could have told you that 10 years ago."

"A Dog's Life":

Ralph: "Gee, I remember when I used to weigh 165. Did you see me when I weighed 165?"

Ed: "No Ralph. I never did see your baby pictures."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Talk is cheap."

Alice: "It must be or you would have never opened your mouth."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Your garbage can was half-full. When it's full-full, then I will take it down. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here - save a trip there and it all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice is in the phone booth. They boys don't know it.)

Ralph: "I'm the one in the family with it up here."

(Ralph points to his head.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice wants to buy new furniture.)

Ralph: "Furniture? Furniture? We got furniture."

Alice: "Sure we got furniture. But just because you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ed: "I can get you a job with me down the sewer. All you have to do is pass the test."

Ralph: "What test is that?"

Ed: "Can you float?"

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "Where's Norton? We have to unload the trailor."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with a lot of pots and pans attached on him.)

Ralph: "What's the matter with you?"

Ed: "Shhh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, I didn't. Luckily, the pots and pans broke my fall."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Alice: "I got Ralph a new belt. I want to make sure it fits."

Trixie: "If it doesn't, you can always exchange it for a larger size."

Alice: "There ain't no larger size."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "Don't take any pictures of Dr. Norton. He's very modest."

Ed: "I wouldn't mind a few pictures."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph & Alice are eating dinner.)

Ralph (pointing at his food): "What is that?"

Alice: "That is the appetizer."

Ralph: "What?"

Alice: "The appetizer."

Ralph: "I had my appetizer. I drove a bus for eight hours."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ed: "It's not like I don't want to lend you money, it's what you don't do with it."

Ralph: "What is that?"

Ed: "You don't pay me back."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Harvey just saw Ralph "KO" somebody.)

Harvey: "That is some punch you got there."

Ralph: "It wasn't anything. I hurt him with my bad hand."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"The Prowler":

Ed: "I came by to tell you to put some stuff up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Alice: "I'll go get a flashlight for you."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. Alice comes by the door. He comes back.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."

"Letter To The Boss":

(Ralph thinks that he has been fired. He lists all the jobs that are listed in the paper.)

Alice: "What is wrong with those jobs?"

Ralph: "Nothing except they are listed under: 'Help Wanted: Women!'"

"Dial J For Janitor":

(The house phone is buzzing.)

Ralph: "I'm not answering it. I'm not answering it. It can ring, ring, ring, but I am not answering it."

Alice: "But they are playing your song."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny that I am going to put you in my act. I am going to call the act 'Punch & Judy' and you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"

"Petticoat Jungle":

Ralph: "You are going to wear the bathing suit that I gave you."

Alice: "I can't wear that suit Ralph. It has a whole in the knee."

"Six Months To Live" (Color):

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"TV or Not TV":

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here."
(Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to get his job back for him Alice. Tomorrow, I am going to go down that sewer tomorrow and speak to Ed's boss. there isn't anything in this world that is going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you can fit through."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"Sees All, Knows All":

Ralph: "Norton, I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Did you see Dynamite wallop that cigarette machine?"

Ed: "Good thing it wasn't a Pepsi-Cola machine or we would all drown."

"Without Reservations":

Stan: "Are there any openings at the bus depot?"

Ralph: "No."

Stan: "Then how do you get in the building?"

"Two-Family Car":

Ralph: "All right. You will have the car Monday-Friday. I will have the car on the weekends."

Ed: "Wait a minute. I work those days. You take the car five days and let me take the car two days."

Ralph: "Okay, your days are Wednesday and Thursday."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I don't remember the song I used to play on this cornette. I got the music right here."

(Ralph plays the cornette. No sound is heard.)

Alice: "Not so loud Ralph. You will disturb the neighbors."

"Young Man With A Horn":

(Ralph has been playing the cornete badly.)

Ralph: "Norton, would you mind taking these clothes upstairs to put on the clothesline?"

Ed: "Are you going to play the cornette?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Ed (taking the clothes): "I will be very happy too."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ed helps Ralph rehearse. Ralph is in the bedroom waiting to get out.)

Ed (reading the script): "Hello there!" (not reading): "Testing. Testing 1-2-3-4. Testing. Woof! Woof! Testing."

Ralph (opening the door): "Let's get going."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Conductor: "Gentlemen, what seems to be the trouble?"

Ralph: "What seems to be the trouble? I'll tell you what the trouble is. First, he makes his and my wife miss the train because he can't keep an eye on them. Then, he comes in here and puts handcuffs on my wrists. That isn't enough. I ask him does he want a drink of water, no. I ask him if he wants something to eat, no. He doesn't want anything until he gets up there and says that he wants a match. Then on top of everything, I have to be handcuffed to this idiot all the way to Minneapolis."

Conductor: "Minneapolis? Gentlemen, this train isn't going to Minneapolis. We are going in the other direction to Norfolk, Virginia."

"Six Months To Live" (Color):

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

Ralph: "Norton, I must be nuts to go out every night when I have a darling wife at home."

Ed: "At least I got a good excuse."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."

Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"A Matter of Record":

Alice: "Ralph, I told you that I don't want you calling her that."

Ralph: "Okay, you are an expert on crossword puzzles. Give me another word for 'blabbermouth.'"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT!"

Ed: "Okay. What's the hint?"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever";

Ralph: "Talk is cheap."

Alice: "It must be or you would have never opened your mouth."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "Do you know what it like Alice to own a home? You can walk outside, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out in the hallway right now and do the same thing."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph: "You mean that fter taking one look at that Carlos, you are going to give him Trixie's potato salad?"

Ed: "Of course. This will fix his wagon. Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable."

"Norton Moves In":

(Ralph gets hurt by Norton's lit cigarette that Norton accidently dropped.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph (yells): "NORTON WANTED TO HAVE A CIGARETTE."

Alice: "So?"

Ralph (yells): "HE USED ME FOR AN ASHTRAY."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "As usual, I am carrying the whole load on my shoulders."

Alice: "You're carrying the load all right, but it's not on your shoulders."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "I work for the Gotham Bus Company."

Bud Collyer (as himself): "Well, they do say that travel broadens one."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "You help me and I will help you. Like they say: 'One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face.'"

Ed: "Never mind that. Just give me some water. I know how to wash."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picked up his jacket that d accidently burned by leaving the hot iron on it.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that is my idea of a burn."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "I'm just mad at Alice because she thinks that there is nobody stupid enough to offer me a job like the one I was offered today."

Ed: "This guy sounds stupid enough."

"Norton Moves In":

(Ralph and Norton are sharing the cot. Ed is having a cigarette.)

Ed: "Ralph, I dropped the match in the bed. Ralph?"

Ralph: "Nee na miz."

Ralph (feeling the lit match,
yells): "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP BEFORE I REPORT YOU TO THE SUPERINTENDENT."

Man (yells): "I AM THE SUPERINTENDENT."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph turns on the vaccum cleaner. It doesn't work.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop or erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."

"Love Letter":

Ralph: "What was she (Trixie) holding behind her back?"

Alice: "Ralph, really it was nothing."

Ralph: "Alice, you don't hold nothing behind your back. You show it out in front so everybody can see it. Now, what was she holding behind her back."

Alice: "All right. She was hiding your birthday present."

Ralph: "Why did you tell me for? You know I like surprises."

"Boys & Girls Together":

Ralph: "Even the Constitution says that a man is entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

Ed: "But the marriage license is an amendment to the Constitution."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Remember last year at the Convention when the police were cracking down on the people who were throwing water bags out of the hotel window? That didn't bother me. I just filled up my bags with water and threw them out."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"The Cold":

(Alice is taking the plaster off of Ralph's back.)

Alice: "I suppose you can't take off the top of your pajamas?"

Ralph: "You want to turn the cold into amoania (sp?)."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Good thing that I have a brain to figure these things out for us."

Ed: "You sure do Ralph. You can think of smart things to get yourself out of the dumb things that you get yourself into."

"Pal O' Mine":

Trixie: "Ed wanted to get Jim McKeever red suspenders, but I thought a ring would be better."

Ed: "All I konw is Jim has a weakness for red suspenders."

Alice: "She's right Ed. A man would rather have a ring then suspenders."

Ed: "Not if his pants keep falling down."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed looks at the toaster.)

Ed: "The radiostat conductor is not making proper contact with the electrocoil."

Alice: "What does that mean?"

Ed: "There's a screw loose."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Your brother is a moocher, a swindler, and a bum."

Alice: "What did you say?"

Ralph: "I said that your brother is a bum."

Alice: "My brother is just as good as any member of your family."

Ralph: "He's still a bum."

"To Whomever It May Concern":

Ed: "I can get you a job with me down the sewer. All you have to do is pass the test."

Ralph: "What test is that?"

Ed: "Can you float?"

"Brother-In-Law":

(Ralph leaps on to the couch to get the mouse. Ralph gets dust all over himeslf.)

Ed: "Did you get the mouse Ralph?"

Ralph: "No, I didn't get him."

Ed: "Then everybody stay quiet."

Ralph: "Why should we do that?"

Ed: "So we can hear the mouse. With all this dust around, he's bound to start coughing."

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "Where's Norton? We have to unload the trailor."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with a lot of pots and pans attached on him.)

Ralph: "What's the matter with you?"

Ed: "Shhh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, I didn't. Luckily, the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100% Alice."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

(Ed shows how Caramine the boxer threw punches when he saw him on TV.)

Ralph: "Who did he fight?"

Ed: "Nobody. He was being introduced on the Ed Sullivan Show."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This is the biggest thing that I ever got into."

Alice: "The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants."

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph just lost the money from the lodge.)

Ralph: "Let's not get panicky."

Alice: "Ralph, did you put the money in an envelope?"

Ralph: "See? Now you are getting panicky."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph: "You mean that fter taking one look at that Carlos, you are going to give him Trixie's potato salad?"

Ed: "Of course. This will fix his wagon. Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable."

"Stars Over Faltbush":

Ralph: "Let's face it Alice. You are the fat of the land."

Alice: "Let's face it Ralph. You ARE the fat of the land."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "As time wore on, I grew older. I matured."

Ralph: "Yeah, now you are a full-grown nut."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "How will they know that I am a member of the Hurricanes?"

Alice: "Just open your mouth."

"The $99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "$600. Peanuts, peanuts. What am I going to do with peanuts?"

Alice: "Eat 'em like any other elephant."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Jackie Gleason is down at that fun and sun capital of the world."

Ed: "What is he doing down at Perth Amboy?"

"Principle of The Thing":

(Ralph & Ed are about to redecorate the apartment.)

Alice: "If you ask me, this wall shouldn't be papered. It should be padded."

(She leaves.)

Ralph: "Ooh, just once. Bang!"

"In 25 Words Or Less":

(The waiter makes crepe zuzzets [Franch pancakes], he starts a fire on his grill. Ralph sees it and puts the fire out with a fire extinguisher.)

Ralph: "It's a good thing I was here or the whole boat would have been on fire."

Alice: "Ralph, those were French pancakes."

Ralph: "I don't care what started the fire."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ed comes in wearing shorts.)

Ed: "It's the latest thing. It's about time that we men broke the chains of convention. We have been prisoners long enough."

Ralph: "You keep wearing that and you will be in prison all over again."

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (reading a crossword puzzle): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' House. H-o-s-e. That's the trouble with these things. They are not a challenge."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph (yelling in pain): "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA!"

(Alice comes out.)

Alice: "What was that?"

Ralph: "I was just yawning."

Alice: "Yawning? It sounded like feeding time at the zoo."

"A Matter of Record":

Ralph: "How could you be so stupid Norton? Why would you want to go? You know the ending as well as I do."

Ed: "You call me stupid? You call me stupid? It just so happens that it makes no difference to me what the ending of the play is. I will just wait until it gets real close to the end of the show and I will get up and walk out."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ed: "How about a kiss Trixie?"

Trixie: "I'm too tired."

Ed: "I work in the sewer all day and she's tired."

Trixie: "That is another reason."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

G.F.: "I am going to put you in a state of hypnosis."

Ed: "Promise you won't hurt me?"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "What good is money when you can't take it with you?"

Alice: "You are darn right I can't I never go anywhere."

"Boy Next Door":

Ralph: "My dad once said this: 'For one of a sock, a shoe was lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a war was lost. For one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost.'"

Alice: "Yeah? Why don't you get lost?"

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "Today, I'm fired. Tomorrow, I'm forgotten. They probably wouldn't remember what I looked like."

Ed: "That's okay. You go down there tomorrow and apply for another job."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "We will just have to live on our expenses."

Alice: "Swell! That will take care of tonight. But, what are we going to do in the morning?"

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "We will sell hamburgers, hot dogs, flapjacks, pizza pies..."

Ed: "And we will widen the front door."

Ralph: "Why would we do that?"

Ed: "With all that food, how are you going to get in and out?"

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ed: "One time when I was in the Navy, I had a brain tumor. So, I went to go see the doctor to have it removed. After I came back, all the guys said: "What did he remove, the tumor or the brain?'"

Ralph: "You don't have to ask me. I know what he removed."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Alice: "'A man works from sun-to-sun but a woman's work is never done.'"

Ralph: "Good gosh."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Alice: "You have seem to have forgotten that I am a woman."

Ralph: "How could I? You are always yappin'."

"Move Uptown":

Ed: "I would love to drink you a farewell toast."

Ralph: "You know that is awfully nice of you Norton. I would like to have a toast with you."

Ed: "Good. Got any wine around the house?"

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "I have a problem."

Ed: "Tell me about it. You kept me awake all last night."

Ralph: "You heard?"

Ed: "Did I? The top floor is betting 8-5 that you go to the wedding."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph (angerily yelling): "I AM GOING TO THE BALLGAME AND THAT'S THAT."

Alice: "And they say that all fat men are jolly."

"Flushing Ho":

(All of them are in the new apartment.)

Ralph: "We are used to much better."

Ed: "We lost a lot of money in the Mentilated Dental Floss Crash."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph (yelling out the window): "SHUT UP BEFORE I REPORT YOU TO THE SUPERINTENDENT!"

Man (yells): "I AM THE SUPERINTENDENT."

"Sees All, Knows All":

Ralph: "I couldn't harm a mosquito."

Ed: "You have quite a temper."

Ralph (yells): "I HAVE NOT!"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Uh, who should I call Norton?"

Ed: "Why don't you try the fire escape? Maybe someone is out there."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "Do you know that Ralph insisted on making the beds this morning?"

Trixie: "That is wonderful."

Alice: "What is wonderful is that he got me up at 5am so he can make them."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Trixie: "I don't know how Ed can become unconscious so fast."

Ralph: "He has got a pretty good head start."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Trixie: "Any mistake Ed has made, Ralph ahs talked him into."

Ralph: "I didn't talk him into marrying you, did I?"

"King of The Castle":

(Ralph explains to Ed that one time Alice wanted him to come home, but Ralph didn't.)

Ralph: "I showed her whose boss."

Ed: "What happened when you came home?"

Ralph: "Never mind about that."

"King of The Castle":

Ed: "You should write in the paper :'I Ralph Kramden, do not assume the debts of Alice Kramden.'"

Ralph: "It won't work. I tried that the day after we were married. "

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "I don't mind if Stanley eats like a garbage disposal, I just don't want him to sound like one."

Alice: "He has false teeth."

Ralph: "I know why. He wore out his real ones eating."

"Expectant Dad":

Ed: "When my son graduates from college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Well certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "You haven't touched this cornette in years."

Ralph: "I want to keep it."

Ed: "He has a point Alice. He hasn't seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Trixie was down here and she said that she saw you on the show."

Ralph: "She was? Well, what did she say?"

Alice: "Well, she said that she was the biggest thing on TV."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ralph: "Why did he say to me: 'Hey Fatso, get out of the way.'?"

Ed: "I don't know. Maybe the phrase just fits."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Ed & Ralph are sparring with each other.)

Ed: "Cover your up your face! Cover up your face!"

(Ralph does that. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells in pain): "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAA! WHOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! WHY DID YOU PUNCH ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER UP MY FACE?"

Ed: "That should tell you not to trust anybody in the ring."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I'll duck."

(Ed "punches" him. Ralph falls to the ground.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph, that is some ducking. I can never hit you a second time."

"Peacemaker":

Ed (to Trixie): "I could have married Kora Brendsetter and her father is a PRETTY important man down town. He told me that if I married her, he would have me transferred from the Sewer Department. I never threw this in your face before, but if I married Kora Brendsetter, today I would be driving my own garbage truck."

Ralph: "Driving your own garbage truck? He must have been a PRETTY important man down town."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"

"Love Letter":

Ralph: "What did Trixie have behind her back?"

Alice: "It was nothing."

Ralph: "Alice, you don't hold nothing behind your back. You hold it in front where everybody can see it."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Doctor: "This is an aptitude test. You are going to like this. This is fun."

Ed: "Can three people play."

"Without Reservations":

(The boys are in the broken-down hotel.)

Ralph: "When the girls see this place, they may not see the business possibilities of it. You know they can't see their nose in front of their face."

Ed: "That is the only hope we got."

"Mexican Hat Trick":

Ralph: "Well Norton, do I look like a gay Cabrello?"

Ed: "Let me see you walk."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Alice: "You got fingers in your gloves. Fix the silverware."

Ralph: "How would you like some fingers in your nose?"

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Why can't you get behind me?"

Alice: "It's not that I don't want to Ralph. It's just that there isn't enough room back there."

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph: "I am not the type that eats-and-runs."

Alice: "Eats-and-runs? With the way you eat, you are lucky that you can walk."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "It is a good thing that you weren't married to Alex Graham Bell or he would have never invented the phone."

Alice: "It doesn't make a difference to me. We don't have one."

Ralph: "With your mouthpiece, we don't need one."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

(Ralph wants to go to the fights.)

Ralph (yells): "I AM NOT MISSING THE YEAR'S BEST FIGHT."

Alice (yells): "LISTEN HERE. YOU TRY TO WALK OUT OF THAT DOOR AND YOU WILL BE IN THE YEAR'S BEST FIGHT."

"Expectant Dad":

Ed: "The sewer was warming with FBI men."

Trixie: "What were they doing in the sewer?"

Ed: "They were looking for wetbacks who were trying to beat the crosstown traffic."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Your brother Stanley isn't coming. Stanley is a moocher, a chisler, and a bum!"

Alice: "What did you say?"

Ralph: "I said that he is a bum. Capital B-capital-u-capital-um. Bum."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "I don't mind if he eats like a garbage disposal, I just don't want him to sound like one."

Alice: "He has false teeth."

Ralph: "I know why. He wore out his real ones eating."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ed is trying to get a tan.)

Ralph: "What is the foil used for?"

Ed: "To prevent the soot from the chimney from getting on my vest.

Ralph: "It would be a shame to get that vest dirty after working in the sewer all day."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(A little man, who is George, confronts Ralph and Ed.)

George: "My pal Harvey is bigger than me."

Ralph: "I got a friend Shirley who is bigger than you."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "The theater has been in me all my life."

Alice: "Yeah, I knew that that wasn't your stomach. It was the balcony."

"Without Reservations":

Stan: "Are there any openings at the bus depot?"

Ralph: "No."

Stan: "Then how do you get in the building?"

"Dinner Guest":

Man: "Me and my wife are big TV fans. Where's the TV?"

Ralph (speaking at the same time as Alice): "It's out getting repaired."

Alice (speaking at the same time as Ralph): "We don't have a TV set."

Ralph (speaking at the same time as Alice): "We don't have a TV set."

Alice (speaking at the same time as Ralph): "It's out getting repaired."

Ralph: "What my wife is trying to say is that if we had a TV set, it would be out getting repaired."

"Boys & Girls Together":

Alice: "Well Ralph, I am ready to sit down."

Ralph: "So?"

Alice: "Well, who's going to help me with my chair?"

Ralph: "There's only two of us in the room so unless you have a torn ligament or something, you'll do it."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A HEADACHE."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."

Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ed & Ralph are handcuffed on a train. Ed tried saying "Boomph" to get out, like he was instructed but it doesn't work.)

Ralph: "I have had enough of the boomphing. Get the key out and open them up."

Ed: "There ain't no key. You got to boomph your way out."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO BOOMPH YOU OUT OF THE WHOLE CAR."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ed is ripping up his jacket just so he would look like a bum to get his suit back from the Help The Needy Society.)

Ralph: "I paid $8 for this jacket."

Ed: "Would you stop being so penny wise and half a pound foolish? You need to get the $73 from that jacket's pocket. $8 from $73 is, uh...You got a lot left over."

"Six Months To Live":

Ralph: "That does it Norton. In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Don't get so upset. Doctos can be wrong to you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "Cream-chipped beef again?"

Alice: "Yeah, but I fixed it a new way, Ralph. I got the recipe out of a movie magazine. Its Ricardo Cortez's favorite."

Ralph: "Well, I hope when Ricardo gets here tonight he enjoys it!"

"Peacemaker":

Alice: "Why don't you take advantage of the time you have now and go to sleep."

Ralph: "You're right. Sorry I yelled at you. Good night."

(Ralph goes to the bedroom. The alarm clock rings. It's 5am. Time to go to work for Ralph. Ralph brings the alarm clock out and has a weird look on his face while Audrey tries her best not to laugh.)

Ralph (yells): "IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK. IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "Some day, someone might discover you."

Ed: "Not unless he falls down an open manhole."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "Don't take any pictures of Dr. Norton. He's very modest."

Ed: "I wouldn't mind a few pictures."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "I have always been lucky at contests. Remember last year at Harry's Grove when I won the clam eating contest?"

Alice (from bedroom): "Yeah?"

Ralph: "I got $5 from that. $5."

Alice (coming out of the bedroom): "You sure did and you spent $7 on Alka-Seltzer."

"Jellybeans":

(Ed takes some of the jellybeans and eats them. Ralph spots him.)

Ralph (yells): "WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT ARE YOU EATING THOSE JELLYBEANS
FOR?"

Ed: "What's the matter? What are they, poisoned?"

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back.)

Ralph: "How does this look? Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Yeah, like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed & Ralph are trying to think of a way to get that woman, as they refer to her as, out of the phone booth. Unbeknownst to them, the woman is Alice.)

Ed: "Why don't we go across the street, call here, tell this lady she is wanted home. She leaves. Then, we come back here to call up the hypnotist."

Ralph: "Did you just say to go across the street, call here, tell this lady she is wanted home, then when she leaves, we use this phone to call up the hypnotist?" (yells): "I NEVER HEARD ANYTHING MORE STUPID IN MY LIFE. THIS PHONE WOULD BE BUSY IF WE DID THAT."

The first three are from "TV Game of The Week":

#1

Ed: "Harvard means a lot to me. For two years, I worked underneath the sewer at the Harvard club."

Ralph: "If you stayed there two more years, you would have gotten your bachelor's degree in Stupidity."

#2

Ed: “What have we here?”

Ralph: “Keep your hot thumbs off of that. I don't mind you coming down to watch my TV show. But, if you want any refreshments, go upstairs and get your own.”

Ed: “Ralph, I got this to say about you. I like your style. I like your style. It's like I tell my friends, you're cheap but at least you don't keep it a secret.”

#3

(After Ralph asked Ed to bring down his own refreshments, Ralph wants some of Ed's pizza.)

Ed: "A small piece costs 20 cents. The bigger piece is mine."

Ralph (yells): "YOU HAVE THE GALL TO COME ON DOWN HERE AND WATCH MY SET AND CHARGE ME TWENTY CENTS FOR SLICE? JUST FOR THAT, IT WILL COST YOU 50 CENTS TO WATCH THE GAME."

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

(Jerry's Lunchroom has very few patrons in it.)

Ed: "After all, it was me who got all of my fellow sewerworkers coming to this place."

Jerry: "Yeah, and look what it did to my business."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "He's (Ed's) my guest and I'm your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph brings some of Kram-Mar's Delicious Mystery Appetizer [aka dog food] to Mr. Marshall in a lunchbox.)

Ralph: "I have got in here something that is worth a million dollars."

Mr. Marshall: "Then you must have had a good day on the bus."

"$99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "$600! Peanuts, peanuts. What am I going to do with peanuts?"

Alice: "Eat 'em like any other elephant."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you realize that at the annual clambake I have the honor of opening the first clam? And as we take our cruise up the Hudson River I get to go up to the bridge and steer - as we pass Raccoon Point."

Alice: "Well golly gee!"

"Boys and Girls Together":

Alice: "If you go out one night and it's not your night out with Norton and you don't take me with you, when you get home, I won't be here."

(Alice goes into the bedroom. Ralph walks over to the doorway to the bedroom.)

Ralph: "Har-har-hardy-har-har!"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ralph & Alice are at the pool hall.)

Ralph: "This is how you chalk up your cue."

Alice: "Well, that is the stupidest thing I ever heard of."

Ralph: "YOU are the stupidest thing I ever heard of."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(It's Alice's birthday and Ralph has forgotten it.)

Alice: "Ralph, you do remember what today is?"

Ralph: "Sure, it's my pool night."

Alice's Mom: "See? He's good for nothing."

Ralph: "How do you know? You never saw me shoot pool."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces, the fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio, the nut."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I got enough confidence in me for the both of us."

Alice: "You got enough of EVERYTHING in you for the both of us."

"Better Living Through TV":

Trixie: "Some day Ed, you are going to ask me to do something for you."

Ed: "I am right now. Leave the premises."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You once said: 'Ralph, I will be happy to live in a tent with you."

Alice: "I still am. I think it would be an improvement."

"Hot Dog Stand":

(While practicing fast customer service, Ed says a whole lot of different letters.)

Ralph: "What is that?"

Ed: "Alphabet soup."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "What is your mom's maiden name Mr. Norton."

Ed: "Mrs. Norton."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

Ed (reading a crossword puzzle): "'Four words. The Leaning Tower of..."

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!"

Ed (yells): "I JUST SAID..."

Ralph (yells): "I SAID SHUT UP!"

Ed (yells): "I JUST SAID..."

Ralph (yells): "I SAID SHUT UP!"

Ed (yells): "WHAT'S WRONG?"

Ralph (yells): "WHAT'S WRONG? THE LEANING TOWER OF PIZZA. THAT IS WHAT IS WRONG."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. Whenever you mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "My mother was offered to appear in silent pictures but she turned it down so she can have a family."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why your mother was not in silent pictures was because she couldn't keep silent."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Ralph: "When that girl popped out of the cake, did she see you?"

Ed: "I couldn't tell. She ahd whipped cream in her eyes."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing" (1954 version):

(A "real" bear comes to Ed. Ed thinks that it's Ralph in disguise. Ralph is in back of Ed.)

Ralph: "Norton, I am over here."

Ed (yells in fright): "EEE!"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ed: "You got a call from the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler, the emperor of all Raccoondoom? I don't believe it."

Ralph: "Sure you don't because you never got a call from him."

Ed: "He doesn't have to call me. He works right beside me in the sewer."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph and Ed rehearse their mind-reading act in which Ralph will hold up an object while Ed tries to guess it with the help of Ralph's clue while he can't see. Ed's eyes are closed while Ralph holds up a watch.)

Ralph: "Watch out for this, o' swami."

Ed: "What's the clue?"

"Dinner Guest":

Man: "Me and my wife are big TV fans. Where's the TV?"

Ralph (speaking at the same time as Alice): "It's out getting repaired."

Alice (speaking at the same time as Ralph): "We don't have a TV set."

Ralph (speaking at the same time as Alice): "We don't have a TV set."

Alice (speaking at the same time as Ralph): "It's out getting repaired."

Ralph: "What my wife is trying to say is that if we had a TV set, it would be out getting repaired."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ralph is eating a stick of celery with a fork and knife right by him.)

Alice: "Ralph, how do you like your supper?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THAT WAS MY SUPPER?" (picking up the utensils, yells): "WHAT ARE THESE THINGS FOR, TO COMMIT SUICIDE WITH?"

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A
HEADACHE."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."

Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed has been hypnotized to believe he's going to work.)

Great Fatchumara: "You are down in the sewer now."

Ed: "I am down in the sewer now. Prepare to submerge."

(Ed "submerges.")

Ed: "I am now walking in the water." (looking at Ralph): "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

"Sleppy Time Gal":

(Alice is making the Great Fatchumara, Ralph & Ed think that she is hypnotized.)

G.F.: "Mrs. Kramden, what do you think of your husband?"

Alice: "I don't want him. You can have him. He's too fat for me."

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "Mr. Norton, I want you to count down from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Thelma: "O-KAY"

Ralph: "I said stop saying O-Kay It's very good sir, this happens to be my guest and I am your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer, The SIMP and the BLIMP!!"

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."

Ralph: "Gee, that's terrible. If you are not burning yourself, it's my food."

"Flushing Ho":

(The Kramdens bought a duplex and has the Nortons as tenants because the landlord didn't fix anything. Ralph is refusing to fix things in Ed's apartment.)

Ralph: "When we were tenants in the other place, the landlord wouldn't fix anything over there. Did he?"

Ed: "I know, that's why we moved in here. Remember?"

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous that I couldn't answer the first question that they gave me."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got nothing in my head."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down the street, there AIN'T no other side."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Alice: "I got Ralph a new belt. I want to make sure it fits."

Trixie: "If it doesn't, you can always exchange it for a larger size."

Alice: "There ain't no larger size."

"The Hypnotist Part 2":

(Mike Case is about to hypnotize Alice to get her to tell Ralph where the money is so he can use it on the convention.)

Ralph (to Mike Case): "You might think that this is a little underhanded, but all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Manager of The Baseball Team" (Color):

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph just lost the money from the lodge.)

Ralph: "Let's not get panicky."

Alice: "Ralph, did you put the money in an envelope?"

Ralph: "See? Now you are getting panicky."

"Alice & The Blonde":

(Alice catches Ralph sneeking into their apartment.)

Alice: "Ralph, do you know what time it is?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11."

Alice: "Yeah, about three hours after 11."

"The Sleepwalker":

(Ed has been annoying Ralph while Ralph is trying to get some sleep.)

Ed: "Ralph, are you sure you don't want a kumpquat?"

Ralph (rolling over in bed, yells): "WILL YOU GET TO BED?"

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(We learn that Ed took the bag of groceries for his lunch.)

Ed: "I have one complaint though. Those cookies were very stale."

Trixie: "What cookies?"

Ed: "Those little round ones."

Trixie: "Those were brillow pads."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is letting astrology run his life.)

Ralph: "There is nothing I can do about it. It is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Move Uptown":

(The Kramdens and Trixie are outside.)

Ralph: "Where is Norton? We have to load the trailor."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bong! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with pots and pans tied around him.)

Ralph: "Why do you have to make so much noise for?"

Ed: "Shh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, luckily the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ralph: "The more brains people have, the less hair they got."

Alice (feeling Ralph's hair): "I rest my case."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Alice is dressed like a young woman.)

Alice: "Who is going to look at me Ralph? I'm an old woman."

Ralph: "Who would look at an old woman? An old man."

Alice: "Yeah? You should know."

"Ralph's Gone Hollywood":

Ralph: "Don't you know an assgot when you see one?"

Ed: "You certainly are."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "Don't take any pictures of Dr. Norton. He's very modest."

Ed: "I wouldn't mind a few pictures."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Harvey just saw Ralph "KO" somebody.)

Harvey: "That is some punch you got there."

Ralph: "It wasn't anything. I hurt him with my bad hand."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

(Ralph goes out to get the money he lost.)

Alice: "I will get you a flashlight."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. He comes back up and sees Alice who is now standing next to the door.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."

"People's Choice Part 1":

Ed: "You should go down to my Uncle's place in New Jersey. 'Bullets' will never find you there."

Ralph: "He won't?"

Ed: "No, I have been going down there for the past three Sundays in a row. I can't even find the place myself."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ed: "As long as I am in an executive in that bus company, you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live."

(Ralph gets up and signals for Ed to leave.)

Ed: "This is no way..."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!!!!!!!!!"

"One Big Happy Family":

Ed (yells): "RALPH, I LEFT THE SOAP ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "WHAT?"

Ed (yells): "I SAID THAT I..."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "I CAN'T HEAR YOU. TALK TO ME LATER."

Ralph (slipping on the soap, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Flushing Ho":

Man (from upstairs, yells): "KNOCK OFF THE NOISE DOWN THERE!"

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP BEFORE I REPORT YOU TO THE SUPERINTENDENT."

Man (from upstairs, yells): "I AM THE SUPERINTENDENT."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph and Ed arrive in the Kramdens apartment. Ralph thinks that Alice is asleep in the bedroom.)

Ralph (whispering): "Shhh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What's that Ralph?"

Ralph (whispering): "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shhh! Alice is asleep.'"

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "Ed, you didn't get the job of sewer inspector."

Ed: "No, I washed out."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that is strong enough to do that."

"Young At Heart":

(Ralph has just said that he has a lot of memories that is attached to his cornette.)

Ralph: "What is a sock doing in my cornette?"

Alice: "It must be one of those tnder memories that is attached to it."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "Face it Alice. You are living off the fat of the land."

Alice: "Face it Ralph. You ARE the fat of the land."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "I have an itch."

Alice: "Scratch it yourself."

Ralph: "I can't reach it."

Alice: "Well, you are Taurus the Bull. Swipe at it with your tail."

"Double Trouble":

Alice: "There are two Ralphs."

Ed: "You mean that all the weight Ralph lost last year made another Ralph?"

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I'm a failure."

Ed: "I could have told you that ten years ago."

"Checkup":

Ed: "Has there been anything you wanted to look inside that didn't belong to you?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"You're In The Picture":

Ed: "Did you really cut yourself shaving?"

Ralph: "Of course not."

Ed: "Oh, you dog you. You have been eating pizza again."

"New Year's Eve Party":

Ed: "Will you stop looking at the dark side of things? If you work on New Years Eve, you are bound to get Saint Valentine's Day off."

Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP!"

"New Year's Eve Party":

Mr. Marshall (to Ralph): "You lied to me so you can get off New Year's Eve."

Ed (to Ralph): "Now you have to work on Saint Valentine's Day."

"Double Anniverasry Party":

(After Ralph told Ed that he was going to take Alice out for their anniversary like it's an ordinary evening, he will surprise Alice with a dinner at a nightclub. Alice comes in.)

Ed: "Alice, may I be the first to wish you a very happy oridinary evening?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

All from "Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

#1

Ralph: "Me and Alice have an anniversary coing up."

Ed: "I hope that it is the 16th. 16th means net."

#2

Alice: "That is all that you are good for. You always boss us around. You men think you own the world."

Ralph: "You women get revenge. You marry us."

#3

(Ralph & Ed are practing louldy in the middle of the night.)

Ralph (yelling out the window to Garrity): "ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A FAT LIP?"

Garrity (yells): "IF I WAS LOOKING FOR A FAT ANYTHING, I WOULD KNOW WHERE TO FIND IT. AREN'T YOU HOME EARLY KRAMDEN? DID THE PIZZERIA BURN DOWN."

All from “Honeymooners Valentine Special”:

#1

Alice: “Ralph purposed to me on Valentine’s Day.”

Trixie: “Yours was more romantic than mine was. Ed proposed to me on Groundhog’s Day.When he pops out of the sewer and sees his shadow, I don’t get a present.”

Alice: “What if he doesn’t?”

Trixie: “I still don’t get one.”

#2

Alice: “What is your waist measurement?”

Ralph: “146.”

#3

Ed: “Trxie how would you like taf pil for dessert?”

Trixie: “What is that?”

Ed: “That is fat lip spelled backwards.”

All from "The Deciding Vote":

#1

Ed: "I wish Trixie would make icing that tastes as good as this."

Alice: "Icing? Ed that's starch."

Ed: "It is?"

(Ed tastes it.)

Ed: "I still wish that Trixie would make icing that tastes as good as this."

#2

Ed: "I always get a cold working under the Park Avenue sewer."

Ralph: "Why?"

Ed: "They are air-conditioned."

#3

(Earlier on Ralph gave Alice a vaccuum. He gave it a test by trying to suck up oatmeal. It doesn't work. So, he loaned it to Joe.)

Ralph: "Why would Joe vote against me?"

Ed: "Remember the vacuum you loaned to him? Jim tested it. He didn't do well with the oatmeal test either.

All from “Honeymooners Second Honeymoon”:

#1

Ralph: “How I love thee. Let me count the ways.”

Alice: “That is beautiful. What is it, browning?”

Ralph: “No. After work, Grogan took me to Reilly’s for a beer. I saw it on an mouthwash commercial.”

#2

(Alice is getting the punch ready but she hasn’t put in the punch yet and the alcohol too. Ralph and Ed don’t know this.)

Ed: “What have we here?”

Ralph: “That is the punch. Wait a minute. Let’s have a drink.”

(Ralph gets a cup.)

Ralph: “I must warn you pal. This stuff is strong. Alice put four cups of vodka in this.”

(Ralph and Ed take a drink.)

Ralph: “As that fat guy on TV says: ‘Mmmmm boy, that’s good booze.’”

#3

Alice: “Tell me, I can’t stand the suspense.”

Ralph: "We are going to spend two glorious weeks at the Raccoon National Cemetery.”

All from "Jack & Julie Together":

#1

Ed: “Why don’t you tell her that you sent her a card but it got lost in the mail?”

Ralph: “That’s dishonest. Besides, I already told her that last year.

#2

Ed: “Why do you pick on me?”

Ralph: “Because you are a BUM!”

#3

Ed (writing Ralph's letter): “’My dearest, darling, loving, sweetheart Alice. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I am sorry I forgot your birthday, but I will make it up…I will forget next year's too.”

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "Norton, you play gin rummy your way and I will play gin rummy my way. My way is the scientific way - it takes a lot of figuring. For instance, I noticed that you picked up a queen, and I know you picked it up to make a run of three queens. I also know that you have a run of clubs. I also noticed that you threw away two sevens. Therefore, you couldn't possibly use the card I'm about to throw down which is a seven of spades. That's scientific figuring!"

Ed (showing his cards): "That's ever-lovin' gin!"

"Box Top Kid Part 1":

(Ralph is trying to participate in a contest where you have to guess the name of a U.S. President.)

Ralph: "There is a picutre of a woman washing and there's a picture of a ton."

Ed: "I know who it is. Eisenhower."

Ralph: "Eisenhower?"

Ed: "There's a picture of a woman washing and there's a picture of a ton. Washington. Who's in Washington right now? Eisenhower."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am just like Washington at Valley Forge."

Alice: "Not exactly Ralph. George didn't have Martha with him."

"The New Bowling Ball":

(This episode was filmed when Nixon and Anew was the President and Vice-President.)

Ralph: "We might run into Nixon and Agnew."

Ed: "What bowling tournament did they win?"

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had on the bus?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "Well, in most of them, the criminals got nothing."

Alice: "The sixth time was a dozzy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose one bus, you got to hold it over my head."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "You don't know how to handle money."

Alice: "Of course not. I never had any practice."

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

(Ed just explained the whacky rules of a card game called Knuckle-Knuckle.)

Ed: "The important thing about this game is that all the wet cards are wild."

Ralph: "All the wet cards are wild? What wet cards?"

Ed: "Well, we usually play this game down in the sewer."

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

(Ralph and Ed arrive in the Kramdens apartment. Ralph thinks that Alice is asleep in the bedroom.)

Ralph (whispering): "Shhh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What's that Ralph?"

Ralph (whispering): "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shhh! Alice is asleep.'"

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

(Nick and another man see Ralph so they can get him a job in which he will be killed.)

Ralph: "I have been driving for the Gotham Bus Company for 14 years and I hate to leave that job if this job wasn't steady."

Nick: "Steady?"

Man: "I'll tell you, you will have this job for as long as you live."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You once said: 'Ralph, I would be happy to live in a tent with you.'"

Alice: "I still am. I think it would be an improvement."

"Love Letter":

Mrs. Paterson: "This person spells beauty. B-u-t-e-y."

Ed: "That is the way I spell it."

Mrs. Paterson: "It is spelled b-e-a-u-t-y."

Ralph: "Why did you tell him. Why didn't you let him wallow in his own ignorance?"

"Songwriters":

Ed: "If Rogers ever treated Hammerstein like this, there would be no Some Enchanted Evening."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ed: "Ralph, I think I am sitting on a splinter."

Ralph: "Stay there."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph (yells): "GRAB A MOP AND START MOPPING."

Alice: "Only if I use you as a mop."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO COUNT TO FIVE AND IF YOU ARE NOT MOPPING WHEN I COUNT TO FIVE, LOOK OUT. ONE! THERE YOU ARE. THAT'S ONE…TWO, THERE'S TWO. ONE! TWO! THREE IS COMING NEXT…THREE! AFTER THREE COMES FOUR. FOUR IS NEXT. YOU KNOW FOUR IS NEXT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS NEXT?"

Alice: "Why don't you say it?"

Ralph (yells): "FIVE! ALL RIGHT I AM GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT I AM GOING TO DO. THE NEXT TIME YOU BLEACH YOUR HAIR, I WON'T TOUCH YOUR ROOTS."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You want proof that I'm crazy? My leg won't go up."

Alice: "Your leg won't go up?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it didn't go up."

"A Dog's Life":

Alice: "Do you realize that you Raccoons have more emergency meetings than the U.N.?"

Ralph: "It turns out that the Raccoons have more emergencies than the U.N."

"Guest Speaker":

(Ed comes in and sees Ralph in his Raccoon uniform.)

Ed: "What happened Ralph, did you get drafted?"

Ralph: "No, I didn't get drafted. I'm a Raccoon."

Ed: "Well, I am a butterfly and I'm flying out of here."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"On Stage":

Ralph (reading the script and walking towards the window): "'Come here, my dear. Look out there Rachael. Say yes and all of that is yours."

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph: "What's so funny?"

Ed: "What does Rachael want with a back of a Chinese restaurant and a
pizzeria?"

"People's Choice Part 1":

Ed: "You should go down to my Uncle's place in New Jersey. 'Bullets' will never find you there."

Ralph: "He won't?"

Ed: "No, I have been going down there for the past three Sundays in a row. I can't even find the place myself."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ed: "As long as I am in an executive in that bus company, you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live."

(Ralph gets up and signals for Ed to leave.)

Ed: "This is no way..."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!!!!!!!!!"

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Ralph: "What's the matter with you? Here my home is being broken up, my happiness destroyed and you want to know if I'm ready to go bowling?

Ed: "Sorry Ralph. How about shootin' a little some pool?"

"One Big Happy Family":

Ed (yells): "RALPH, I LEFT THE SOAP ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "WHAT?"

Ed (yells): "I SAID THAT I..."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "I CAN'T HEAR YOU. TALK TO ME LATER."

Ralph (slipping on the soap,
yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"One Big Happy Family":

Man (from upstairs, yells): "KNOCK OFF THE NOISE DOWN THERE!"

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP BEFORE I REPORT YOU TO THE SUPERINTENDENT."

Man (from upstairs, yells): "I AM THE SUPERINTENDENT."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Without Reservations":

(Ralph and Ed are in the run-down hotel.)

Ralph: "Would you stop with the wisecracks Norton? When the girls get here I wanna make a good impression!"

Ed: "If you wanna make a good impression, keep the door shut!"

"Flushing Ho":

Alice: "This morning, he (Ed) will use the bathroom first. The next morning, you will use the bathroom first."

Ralph: "There's the solution to my whole problem. Now, I will only be late every OTHER day."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pisces The Fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio The Nut."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Freddie: "The party will be going from 8 to 12pm."

Ed: "That includes 11:30pm, doesn't it?"

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "I think the wallpaper is pretty. Alice thinks it is rotten. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at it.)

Ed: "I think that you are both right. It is pretty rotten."

"A Man's Pride":

Ralph: "I am going to learn from here on in how to swallow my pride."

Ed: "That shouldn't be too hard. You learned how to swallow everything else."

"A Matter of Record":

Ralph: "I can't use two seats."

Ed: "That is a matter of opinion."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed comes out with a sailboat he was playing with in the tub.)

Ralph: "You don't mean to tell me that you kept we out here for 20 minutes while you were playing with a boat in the tub."

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. This is a new boat. We were on the Shakedown Cruise."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "Because of Ed, I had to go to work without my bath."

Trixie: "You didn't have to do that Ralph. You could take you bath at the circus. They wouldn't mind bathing one more elephant."

"Two For The Money":

Ed: "I bet you $8 that my friend Ralph can beat you at pinball."

Man: "I'll bet $10."

Ed: "$8. We don't want to play for high stakes. We just want to make it interesting."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ralph: "After tonight, I may have my own pool table in my apartment."

Ed: "If you do, you would have to stand on the sink to make a shot."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "You are to address me in a civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Adoption" & "Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us 'Big' Ralph & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"People's Choice" (Color):

(Ed brakes a paper bag behind Ralph's back. Ralph thought that he was shot.)

Alice: "What was that noise?"

Ralph: "Babyhead (Ed) had to break a paper bag."

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What do you do for a living?"

Ralph: "I brive a dus."

Herb: "You brive a dus?"

Ralph: "A dus I brive."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I fractured myself just to take care of her. Now, I just saw Alice coming out of an Italian restuarant with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(The makeup lady put lipstick on Ralph's lips.)

Makeup Lady: "Go like this."

(She makes kissing noises with her lips. So does Ralph.)

Ed: "Don't just sit there Ralph. Kiss me."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ralph is in the makeup chair. He has his eyes closed while the lady is putting eye shadow on.)

Ralph: "What is she doing Norton?"

Ed (stifiling laughter): "Nothing."

Ralph: "Then why are you laughing?"

Makeup Lady: "I am just putting blue eye shadow on."

Ralph: "Oh, that's good." (yells): "WAIT A MINUTE."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph thinks he just got nominated Raccoon of The Year.)

Ralph: "Alice, something happened to me today that is probably, and without a doubt. One of the finest things to ever happen to me in my life. There isn't anything in the world that could have happened to me that is better than what happened to me today! And if you guess for a million years - for a million years - you couldn't guess what it was that happened to me today!"

Alice: "Well, there's only one thing I can think of from the way you are acting. You've been named Raccoon of the Year in that silly lodge of yours."

"A Dog's Life":

Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "OH ALICE! OH ALICE!"

Ed: "There it is. The voice of doom."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing" (1954 version):

Trixie: "Maybe the radiator needs some water."

Ralph: "Well, now that's very clever and which one of the Pep Boys are you, Manny, Moe or Jack? If I had any water, I would put it in there."

Trixie: "Ralph, I was only thinking..."

Ralph: "Well, don't think.Just keep your mouth shut."

Ed: "Just a minute. You seem to have forgotten that she's my wife and I don't like you yelling at her that way." (to Trixie, yells): "NOW STOP THINKING AND SHUT UP!"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Alice accidently throws her pool cue.)

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that, wasn't I?"

Ralph: "Not if we are playing pool but if we are javelin throwing, we are."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ed: "I filed a laswuit once. The lawyers claimed that I didn't even have a case."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I was working in the sewer and a manhole cover fell on my head."

Ralph: "Why couldn't you win the case?"

Ed: "I couldn't prove it did any damage."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ed: "Every time I play cards, I lose. Every single time then after when I get home, I tell Trixie I lost. She gets mad at me. She hollers at me. I can't eat. I can't sleep. At work, I am sick all day."

Ralph: "Then why do you play for?"

Ed: "It's the only fun I get."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph are at the Help The Needy Society's caseworker's desk. Ralph's jacket is very ripped because of Ed Norton trying to make Ralph look like a bum.)

Ralph: "I am a needy case. Look at me."

Ed: "This is his Sunday suit."

"The Loudspeaker":

Alice: "I suppose you were cold sober the night you came home, went into the bedroom, stuck your head out and yelled: 'Hey Mrs. Gallagher, why is your cat doing in my apartment?'"

Ralph: "I'll ask you again. What was her cat doing in this apartment?"

Alice: "It wasn't her cat. You had your Racoon hat on backwards."

"Nephew of the Bride":

(Ralph wants to get rid of Aunt Ethel.)

Ed: "Why don't you put your head out the window and holler: 'Fire!'"

Ralph: "Suppose other people hear it? Then they will think the fire is real."

Ed: "Then you yell: 'Fire, Aunt Ethel.'"

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to straighten up with his bad back. He stands up straight but in an unnatural way.)

Ralph: "Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "Grogan, if you had two tickets to a World Series game and your sister-in-law was going to get married at the same time as the game, where would you go?"

Grogan: "I would go to the wedding."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is impatiently waiting for Ed to get out of the bathtub so he can take a bath. Ralph is worried that he will be late for work with all the waiting that he is doing.)

Alice: "We will make a schedule. One morning, Ed will use the bathroom first. The next morning, you will use it first."

Ralph: "That solves the whole problem. Now, I will only be late every other day."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Alice: "Ralph, do you know what time it is?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11p."

Alice: "Yeah, about three hours after 11."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "Just for that remark Alice, when we get to Fred's Landing, I won't introduce you to Fred."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"To Whomever It May Concern":

(Ed wrote SWAK on the back of Ralph's letter.)

Ralph: "You wrote Sealed With A Kiss?"

Ed: "No. Sewer Workers Are Kings."

"The Mexian Hat Trick":

(Ralph is disguised as El Diablo and Ed is disguised as El Norto at the El Bar-Ocho Cafe. Banging is heard as a Mexican is thrown out of the kitchen and falls onto a table thereby breaking it. You can tell that the table was fake.)

Ralph: "What was that all about?"

Bartender: "He wanted to join El Lobo's gang."

Ed: "Hey Ralph, why don't we just mail in our application?"

"Boys & Girls Together":

Ralph: "Even the Constitution says that a man is entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

Ed: "But the marriage license is an amendment to the Constitution."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph & Ed are playing poker with a bunch of people.)

Ralph: "Why are you raising everyone if you are going out for?"

Ed: "I was trying to bluff you out of the pot."

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "That is a peephole. When someone knocks on your door, you look through that just in case it is a person that you don't want to let in like a deliver boy."

Ed: "The only thing you can deliver through there is a salami."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Ralph (to Emily): "He has a sickness."

Ed (as Count Marco): "I am allergic to spaghetti."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You think that I am Shorty."

Doctor: "Mr. Kramden, who is Shorty?"

Ralph: "How should I know? I never met him."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Here is another bottle. 'Oliveoil.'"

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT IS OLIVE OIL."

"$99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "This time, I am going to get my pot of gold."

Alice: "Just go for the gold. You already got the pot."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Alice: "You are going to that wedding Ralph. You are going to the wedding. You are going to the wedding."

Ralph: "I am going to the ballgame."

Alice: "You are going to the wedding."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO THE BALLGAME."

Alice (yells): "YOU ARE GOING TO THE BALLGAME."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO THE WEDDING."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "I am going to the game."

(Ralph leaves.)

Alice: "You are not going to the game."

Ralph (opening the door): "I am going to the game."

(Ralph leaves.)

(Alice opens up the window.)

Alice (yells): "YOU ARE GOING TO MY SISTER'S WEDDING."

(Alice closes the window.)

(Ralph comes back up.)

Ralph (opening the door, yells): "I AM GOING TO THE GAME."

"Young At Heart":

(Ralph comes out with his crazy custome on.)

Ralph: "Well, how about it?...Well, how about it? What do you think?"

Ed: "Wait a minute. Just give me time to drink this whole thing in. It's like seeing Boulder Dam for the first time."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "What did you used to call your dad?"

Ed: "Long distance."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Well, I have to confess Mr. Faversham that I was in the 1927 follics of the bus drivers. As a matter of fact, I walked on stage and I didn't do anything and the audience was laughing."

Ed: "That ballet dress you had on didn't do you any harm."

"King of The Castle":

Ralph: "All the time, Trixie has been interrupting Ed's night's out by calling him on the phone and saying: 'Come home! Come home!' and all the time it is for nothing."

Alice: "This time, she wanted him over. Her mom was home."

Ralph: "That's the perfect reason for him not to come home."

"The Main Event":

Dynamite: "I need a manager. Someone who will give fights."

Ed: "Why don't you get the guy you KOed in 12 seconds?"

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "As usual, I'm carrying the whole load on my shoulders."

Alice: "You are carrying the load all right, but it's not on your shoulders."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "How could you be so icky?"

Ralph: "Icky?"

Alice: "You are a termite Ralph. Strickly out of the wood."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "What does icky mean?"

Ed: "I don't know. Why?"

Ralph: "Alice just said that I was icky."

Ed: "Must mean fat."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Ed: "The door is busted."

Alice: "It's a dutch door."

Ed: "Boy, those dutch people must be very short."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Trixie: "I don't know how Ed can get so unconscious so fast."

Ralph: "He has go a pretty good head start."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "Alice it was pretty lonely here without you."

Trixie: "Oh Ed, why can't you talk to me like that?"

Ed: "I would if you only go away every once in a while."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph thinks that he found his social security number.)

Ralph: "56-68-73."

Alice: "Those are the measurements for that new suit you bought."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "'Ralph, I want the ice box painted.' 'I want a curtain for the bedroom window.' Why do we need a curtain for the bedroom window? All you see is a brick wall. You are not married to Nelson Rockefeller."

Alice: "I got news for you Ralph. You are not married to Happy either."

"Two For The Money":

Ed: "This is the first night this week that I was able to gout out and have some fun."

Trixie: "Big deal. It's Monday."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

(At the Raccoon lodge, Ed goes in the "Out" door to go to the kitchen. He bumps into Ralph. Ralph & Ed have an argument about which door [the ones being marked "In" or "Out"] Ed should use to enter the Raccoon kitchen at the lodge.)

Ralph: "You are supposed to go in the door marked 'In.'"

Ed: "I wasn't going in that room. I was coming out of this room."

Ralph: "You were not going out of this room. You were going in that room."

Ed: "How could I go into that room without coming out of this room?"

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Your brother is a moocher, a swindler, and a bum."

Alice: "What did you say?"

Ralph: "I said that your brother is a bum."

Alice: "My brother is just as good as any member of your family."

Ralph: "He's still a bum."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "You can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "Fourteen years, I fractured myself just to take care of Alice. Now, I see here coming out of a restaurant and get into a cab with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."

"The Next Champ":

(Ralph just became Dynamite's manager.)

Ralph: "This is a historical spot. Right here they are going to have a sign. Do you know what it is going to say?"

Ed: "Yeah: 'Cigarette machine is out of order.'"

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "What are you doing with all of that material? Making a bedspread?"

Alice: "No, I'm taking your pants out again."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face."

Ed: "Never mind that. Just give me some water. I know how to wash."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ralph: "I am trying to put some weight on my broken leg."

Ed: "You are just the boy that could do it."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Reluctantly, Ralph let the stage manager put lipstick on him so that it will make him look better on the Mike Douglas Show. While the Kramdens & Nortons are on the show, Ralph and Alice tell everyone that they love each other DEARLY. Ralph kisses Alice.)

Alice: "Ralph, are you wearing lipstick?"

Ralph: "Shut up!"

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ed puts a lit match near the thermometer.)

Ed: 'Hey Ralph, what is a normal temperature, around 98 isn't it?"

Ralph: "98.6."

Ed: "What would you say a bad temperature is?"

Ralph: "102. 103. What is it Norton? What is my temperature?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS MY TEMPERATURE NORTON?"

Ed (starting to cry, yells): "111."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."

Ralph: "What question was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"The New Manager":

Ralph: "I know. We will take the Nortons on our honeymoon."

Trixie: "Ralph, you don't want us on your honeymoon."

Ed: "Will you keep quiet woman?"

"Head of The House":

Ed: "In my household, I am the boss of the household."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmm."

Ed: "I think that any man that is afraid of his wife, isn't a man."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmmm."

Ed: "And I can't stree this too strongly that a husband is the boss."

Interviewer: "Yes?"

Ed: "Now don't quote me because if my wife reads that, she will kill me."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ed: "I watch your show. It's very educational."

Bud Collyer (as himself): "Educational?"

Ed: "Yeah, it's a wonder what you could do with whipped cream on this
show."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph & Ed (singing loudly): "WELL, STROLLING THROUGH THE PARK ONE DAY IN THE MERRY, MERRY MONTH OF MAY. I WAS TAKEN BY SURPRISE BY A PAIR OF RUGGISH EYES..."

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "WILL YOU TWO KEEP IT QUIET DOWN THERE? I'M TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP."

Ralph: "That's that wise guy Garrity."

(Ralph goes to the window and opens it.)

Ralph (yells): "AREN'T YOU HOME EARLY GARRITY? WHAT HAPPENED, DID THE SALOON BURN DOWN?"

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph tries to open the window to get Aunt Ethel's milk.)

Ethel: "Pull harder."

Ralph: "If I pull any harder, I will lift the building off the ground."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Your husband is crazy."

Alice: "Okay. So what's the big news?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph: "I am not the type that eats-and-runs."

Alice: "Eats-and-runs? With the way you eat, you are lucky that you can walk."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Just remember, you can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arm around you."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ed: "I can you a job with me down in the sewer. All you have to do is pass the test."

Ralph: "What test?"

Ed: "Can you float?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You are willing to shell out money from your life insurance for this carzy idea. That settles it Ralph. You got rocks in your head."

Ralph (yells): "I GOT ROCKS IN MY HEAD? I GOT ROCKS IN MY HEAD? I GOT NOTHING IN MY HEAD!"

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(Ralph & Ed enter the broken-down cottage.)

Ralph: "$998, we have been robbed. What are we going to tell the girls. THey will kill us after seeing that place in the showroom. What are we going to do?"

Ed: "If it wasn't January, we can pop out from behind them and yell: 'April Fool.'"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph just discovered a love letter that he thinks someone wrote to Alice.)

Ralph: "Everyone in the neighborhood knows about this. I am probably the laughingstock of the whole neighborhood. Am I the neigherborhood's laughingstock?"

Ed: "Yeah, and they don't even know about this yet."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Alice: "The only thing that is overstuffed around here is YOU."

Ralph: "That is the same line that your mother used when I threw her out bodily."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "When you save the money, you can't take it with you."

Alice: "You are right. I never go anyplace."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "I know how to throw my weight around."

Alice: "If you did, you wouldn't leave it where it is."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "This isn't a crazy costume. This is what all of us cats wear. I got it! I got it! I'm hip! Ready to go! I'm gone! Gone!"

Alice: "You are gone all right."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "You are supposed to waddle like a duck."

Ralph: "How can I do that?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "What's the sense of saving money if you can't take it with you?"

Alice: "You are right I can't. I never go any place."

"You're In The Picture":

Alice: "You look like you have lipstick on your face Ralph."

Ralph: "Oh, I cut myself shaving this morning."

Alice: "You cut yourself shaving and only now you are starting to bleed?"

Ed: "Well with the way Ralph is built, it takes a long time for his blood to reach the surface."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

(Pete from Pettskill Studios confronts Ralph about how much money he is spending that Peetskill Studios will have to pay.)

Pete: "Ralph Kramden, who do you think you are, Jackie Gleason?"

Ralph: "How dare you Jackie Gleason! I'm not that nuts."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I got enough confidence in me for the both of us."

Alice: "You got enough of EVERYTHING in you for the both of us."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous that I couldn't answer the first question that they gave me."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"Quiz Show":

Ralph: "I had six years of schooling."

Alice: "I had eight years."

Ralph: "Well, some people learn faster than others."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "We have something more valuable than all of that put together."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "Our love. Now shut up."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "You had enough food for you to last five days."

Ralph: "Is that so? Well, I want to live for at least six or seven days."

"Alice Plays Cupid":

Alice: "Who are you to talk about looks? You are no Humphrey Bogart."

Ralph: "No, but Henrietta is."

"Stand-In For Murder":

Ralph: "Some day, someone will discover you."

Ed: "Not unless he falls down an open manhole."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ed: "Boy, it's going to be a great fight and I have some news for you. Word came from the candy store a little while ago about your fight and they knocked the odds down to 500 to 1."

Ralph: "You mean that they are betting 500 to 1 that I lose."

Ed: "No. They are betting 500 to 1 that you don't even show up."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking this set over my dead body."

Ed: "i couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How could I waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Operation: Protset":

(Clifford makes the peace sign to Ralph.)

Cliff: "Peace."

Ralph (grabbing one of the fingers): "Alice, grab the other one and make a wish."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type that would bend way over and pick up a pocketbook on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"A Man's Pride":

Ralph: "I promise you this, Norton. I'm gonna learn. I'm gonna learn from here on in how to swallow my pride."

Ed: "That shouldn't be too hard. You learned how to swallow everything else."

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy."

(Ralph sits down and hits his knee with a hammer. He thinks that his leg that has the knee cap that he hit should go up.)

Ralph: "That proves that I am crazy."

Alice: "It sure does."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The Great Fatchoomara is about to hypnotize Alice so Alice can reveal where she hid the money that Ralph is planning to use on the Raccoon convention.)

Ralph (to the G.F.): "You might think that this is a little underhanded. But, all's fair in love and war."

Ed: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "You know, I don't have the greatest education in the world. I only went to the 6th grade. I should have continued on. I should have went to high school and thru college. That wouldn't have done any good. That would have made things worse."

Alice: "What do you mean?"

Ralph: "How do you think I would feel as a college graduate being fired from a bus company?"

"Champagne and Caviar":

Mr. Marshall: "How did you get your job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Just lucky. I guess."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "I watched you tonight. Four pork chops. Four pork chops."

Ed: "What are you complaining about? You had six."

Ralph: "What are you, counting?"

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A HEADACHE."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."

Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."

"Six Months To Live":

Ralph: "That does it Norton. In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Don't get so upset. Doctos can be wrong to you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pisces The Fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio The Nut."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Freddie: "The party will be going from 8 to 12pm."

Ed: "That includes 11:30pm, doesn't it?"

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "I think the wallpaper is pretty. Alice thinks it is rotten. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at it.)

Ed: "I think that you are both right. It is pretty rotten."

"A Man's Pride":

Ralph: "I am going to learn from here on in how to swallow my pride."

Ed: "That shouldn't be too hard. You learned how to swallow everything else."

"A Matter of Record":

Ralph: "I can't use two seats."

Ed: "That is a matter of opinion."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "Thi isn't a crazy costume. This is what all of us cats wear. I got it! I got it! I am hip! Ready to go. I'm gone. Gone!"

Alice: "You are gone all right."

"Case Of The Cuckoo Thief":

Alice: "I was thinking about buying the alarm clock for someone."

Ralph: "For who?"

Alice: "For, um…my brother."

Ralph: "If there is one thing that your family doesn't need, it's another cuckoo."

"Case Of The Cuckoo Thief":

Ed (starting to cry): "What are you going to do to me?"

Bruce: "I would like to rip the cuffs off your pants. I'm going to have you incarcerated."

Ed: "Good, as long as I'm not going to jail."

"To Whomever It May Concern":

Ed: "I put SWAK on the back of your letter."

Ralph: "You wrote Sealed with a Kiss?"

Ed: "No. Sewer Workers Are Kings."

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph: "I am not the type that eats-and-runs."

Alice: "Eats-and-runs? With the way you eat, you are lucky that you can walk."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "How can you be so icky?"

Ralph: "Icky?"

Alice: "You are a termite Ralph. Strickly out of the wood."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got NOTHING in my head."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Dentist: "I know why you ar afraid Mr. Kramden. It's ignorance."

Ed: "That is fine. He is just as ignorant as anybody."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ed is wearing shorts with loud socks.)

Ed: "It's the latest thing. It's about time we men broke the convention chains. We have been prisoners long enough."

Ralph: "You keep walking around like that and you will be in prison all over again."

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one. House: H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They are not challenging."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: ""For one of a nail, a shoe is lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a battle was lost. And for one of a battle, a war was lost. And for one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost."

Alice: "Why don't you get lost?"

"Play It Again, Norton":

(Ed is disguised as Ralph's son. Ed has Alice's wig on.)

Ralph: "My son has my wife's eyes."

Ed: "I also have her hair."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Alice: "You got fingers in your gloves. Fix the silverware."

Ralph: "How would you like some fingers in your nose?"

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden."

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to him."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Alice, come on out. Dynamite is here."

(Alice slams the bedroom door.)

Ralph: "I guess that she is still asleep."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "When we get to Fred's Landing, I won't even introduce you to Fred."

Alice: "Oooooh, from this blow I may never recover."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "What could a guy want that is down in the sewer that he needs two bucks right away?"

Ed: "You see, today is pay day and the guys got a couple of dice in the sewer, well you might call it a floating crap game."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win that $100, I am going to get myself some bowling shoes, a leather lumber jacket, and you are going to get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek after the makeup put some makeup on Ralph's eyes and lipstick.)

Ralph: "What did you just do?"

Ed: "I put a beauty mark on your left cheek."

Ralph: "Why did you do that?"

Ed: "Without it, you look exactly like Barbara Streisand."

"Life upon the Wicked Stage":

(Alice is dressed up as a hula girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You once said: 'Ralph, I will be happy to live in a tent with you.'"

Alice: "I still am. I think it would be an improvement."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "I'm the master of this house and you are to address me in a civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "You have no sense of humor."

Alice: "Oh, yes I do. I married you, didn't I?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ed: "Trixie will go where I go."

Ralph: "Atta boy pal, put your foot down."

Alice: "What if she puts a fight?"

Ed: "I know what I will say to her. I will say to her that Atlantic City is CLOSED for the summer."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Alice: "Lucky suit? You haven't worn that thing in five years."

Ralph: "Do you know anyone who has been unlucky as I have in the last five years?"

Alice: "Yeah, me."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ed: "Who are they going to give your suit to?"

Ralph: "Some poor unfortuante that is broken-down."

Ed: "Yeah, someone who can't afford to dress as well as we do."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

(Ralph & Ed are being held hostage.)

Bugsy: "I promised my mom, I wouldn't kill an innocent man."

Ralph: "You are a fine man."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Since I have now become a Treasurer, I can now hang two tails on my cap. Maybe this is only the beginning. Maybe someday, I can become a thirteen-tail man. Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "It must be pretty important Ralph. A monkey only has one."

"Two For The Money":

Trixie: "Don't you ever think about us?"

Ed: "All the time. Why do you think we always go from bar to bar?"

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph thinks he just got nominated Raccoon of The Year.)

Ralph: "Alice, something happened to me today that is probably, and without a doubt. One of the finest things to ever happen to me in my life. There isn't anything in the world that could have happened to me that is better than what happened to me today! And if you guess for a million years - for a million years - you couldn't guess what it was that happened to me today!"

Alice: "Well, there's only one thing I can think of from the way you are acting. You've been named Raccoon of the Year in that silly lodge of yours."

"A Dog's Life":

Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "OH ALICE! OH ALICE!"

Ed: "There it is. The voice of doom."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing" (1954 version):

Trixie: "Maybe the radiator needs some water."

Ralph: "Well, now that's very clever and which one of the Pep Boys are you, Manny, Moe or Jack? If I had any water, I would put it in there."

Trixie: "Ralph, I was only thinking..."

Ralph: "Well, don't think.Just keep your mouth shut."

Ed: "Just a minute. You seem to have forgotten that she's my wife and I don't like you yelling at her that way." (to Trixie, yells): "NOW STOP THINKING AND SHUT UP!"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Alice accidently throws her pool cue.)

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that, wasn't I?"

Ralph: "Not if we are playing pool but if we are javelin throwing, we are."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ed: "I filed a laswuit once. The lawyers claimed that I didn't even have a case."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I was working in the sewer and a manhole cover fell on my head."

Ralph: "Why couldn't you win the case?"

Ed: "I couldn't prove it did any damage."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ed: "Every time I play cards, I lose. Every single time then after when I get home, I tell Trixie I lost. She gets mad at me. She hollers at me. I can't eat. I can't sleep. At work, I am sick all day."

Ralph: "Then why do you play for?"

Ed: "It's the only fun I get."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph are at the Help The Needy Society's caseworker's desk. Ralph's jacket is very ripped because of Ed Norton trying to make Ralph look like a bum.)

Ralph: "I am a needy case. Look at me."

Ed: "This is his Sunday suit."

"The Loudspeaker":

Alice: "I suppose you were cold sober the night you came home, went into the bedroom, stuck your head out and yelled: 'Hey Mrs. Gallagher, why is your cat doing in my apartment?'"

Ralph: "I'll ask you again. What was her cat doing in this apartment?"

Alice: "It wasn't her cat. You had your Racoon hat on backwards."

"Nephew of the Bride":

(Ralph wants to get rid of Aunt Ethel.)

Ed: "Why don't you put your head out the window and holler: 'Fire!'"

Ralph: "Suppose other people hear it? Then they will think the fire is real."

Ed: "Then you yell: 'Fire, Aunt Ethel.'"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I would like to have my coffee with one lump."

(Ed rings bell.)

Thelma: "You keep ringing that bell like that and you will get one lump."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Mr. Faversham says I have something that stretches from the theater and goes out into the audience."

Alice (patting Ralph's stomach): "You certainly do."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ed & Ralph are doing a crossword puzzle.)

Ed: "Sofa." (writing): "S-o-f..." (not writing): "What is that an A or an E?"

Ralph: "It's A or E."

Ed (writing): "A or E."

"Peacemaker":

Alice: "Ed is gone."

Ralph: "I know that he is. I knew that the first day I met him."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(It's Ed's birthday and Ralph wants to get off cheaply.)

Alice: "Ed took you to the Kit Kat Klub on your birthday."

Ralph: 'Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa Cabana."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ed: "Take it from the top Norton."

(Ed is sitting on the piano.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Ed (yells): "YOU TOLD ME TO TAKE IT FROM THE TOP."

"Petticoat Jungle":

(The salesman shows the Kramdens and Nortons a very small box.)

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that there is one bathing suit in there?"

Man: "One? There are six of them in here."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This is the biggest thing I ever got into."

Alice: "That would be your pants."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "Can I use your phone?"

Ed: "No, Trixie is dressing."

Ralph: "But the phone is in the kitchen."

Ed: "That is where she is dressing. There is no window shade in the bedroom."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I am making a list of all my weak points."

Ed: "Oh, is that all the paper you are going to use?"

"Dial J FOr Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut out bowling? It's my only realxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need anything to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This (the Handy Housewife Helper) is the key to my future."

Alice: "Don't tell me that that has a key for opening the door at Bellevue."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "I am going to sue the landlord? Where is he?"

Man: "Florida."

Ralph: "Florida?"

Man: "He can't stand this cold weather."

"Expectant Father":

(Ed thinks that Trixie is pregnant. Ralph thinks that Alice is pregannt. They all act real nice around their wives.)

Trixie: "What is going on here?"

Ed: "That is for you to know and for me to find out."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

"Mr. Mosby": "This cottage has features Mr. Kramden that compare favorably to your home in the city."

Ed: "If it has a door on the knob, it's way ahead."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "We are in a foregin country and in a foreign country, you got to live like a native.

Alice: "Ralph, in Brooklyn I live like a native."

"We Spy":

(Ed just said to Ralph that he was a Naval Intelligence in the Navy.)

Ed: "Where is the sun?"

Ralph: "Right up there, naval intelligence."

"Corse of The Kramdens":

Man (to Ralph & Ed): "I don't usually drink."

Bartender (to the man): "What do you want?"

Man: "The usual."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up a burnt jacket.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that is my idea of a burn."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Butler: "Mr. Marshall will be here shortly. He is in the library."

Ed: "The library?"

(Ed looks at watch.)

Ed: "He ought to be here soon. The library closes at 9."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Mrs. Manicotti: "But Mr. Kramden, it is fun."

(She does the mambo.)

Ralph: "And you, at your age, ought to be ashamed of yourself."

"Hot Dog Stand":

(Alice won't hand over to Ralph the money.)

Ralph: "Will you let me have it? Will you let me have it?"

Alice (mockingly): "Will you let me have it? Will you let me have it?"

Ralph (making a fist): "Boy, I would love to let you have it."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are in the automat across the street from the Cornelius
Vanderbilt Statue.)

Ralph (reading the clues): "'Cornelius will be watching you...'"

Ed: "Wait a minute."

(Ed walks away, goes through the revolving door, and then he comes back.)

Ralph: "Now, what did you just do?"

Ed: "Okay, Corny is watching us."

"King Of The Castle":

Alice: "I thought you were leaving forever."

Ralph: "I wouldn't give you the satisfaction."

"Peacemaker":

Alice: "Why don't you take advantage of the time you have now and go to sleep."

Ralph: "You're right. Sorry I yelled at you. Good night."

(Ralph goes to the bedroom. The alarm clock rings. It's 5am. Time to go to work for Ralph. Ralph brings the alarm clock out and has a weird look on his face while Audrey tries her best not to laugh.)

Ralph (yells): "IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK. IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. Whenever you mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed & Ralph are trying to think of a way to get that woman, as they refer to her as, out of the phone booth. Unbeknownst to them, the woman is Alice.)

Ed: "Why don't we go across the street, call here, tell this lady she is wanted home. She leaves. Then, we come back here to call up the hypnotist."

Ralph: "Did you just say to go across the street, call here, tell this lady she is wanted home, then when she leaves, we use this phone to call up the hypnotist?" (yells): "I NEVER HEARD ANYTHING MORE STUPID IN MY LIFE. THIS PHONE WOULD BE BUSY IF WE DID THAT."

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph turns on the vaccum cleaner. It doesn't work.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop or erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."

"Lawsuit":

Ralph: "You know the condition that I am in. You know that I can't do
anything by myself."

Alice: "How did you get out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ed: "I think there is a splinter here Ralph on my seat that I am sitting on."

Ralph: "Stay there."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Good thing that I have a brain to figure these things out for us."

Ed: "You sure do Ralph. You can think of smart things to get yourself out of the dumb things that you get yourself into."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph and Ed have just finished playing poker with ther friends.)

Ralph: "Did you ever see a sore loser like that?"

Ed: "Yes, I did. Two weeks ago when you lost."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you know that if I become Raccoon of The Year that we get the honor of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetary? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed about going out west."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT."

Ed: "Okay, what's the hint?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "You can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is all the janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be hard with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I'm home. So go down and tell him off."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "I don't want to take Trixie. I took her on my last trip. She was on my case. She told me I couldn't bowl, I couldn't play pool etc. She just ruined everything."

Ralph: "When was this?"

Ed: "On our honeymoon."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You mean to tell me that you are willing to give up your life insurance for this crazy idea? That settles it Ralph. That settles it. You have rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got NOTHING in my head."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "All I can say is you will be tickled pink when Ralph comes home and says that him and me are going to buy a summer cottage for the four of us and it is only going to cost $989."

Alice: "You mean you are going to buy what for whom and it is only going to cost how much?"

Ed: "I can't tell you. It's a secret."

"Follow The Boys":

Alice: "Ed just learned a new word."

Ralph: "Oh, he knows three words now?"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "I am no crackpot."

Doctor: "We don't use the word 'crackpot' Mr. Kramden. We use the word 'patient.'"

(Intercom rings.)

Doctor (answering the intercom): "Excuse me, I'm with a patient."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You don't think I'm crazy. My leg won't go up."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it wouldn't go up."

Alice (starting to laugh): "If you keep talking like that, they will come with a net and take you away."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."

Ralph: "Gee, that's a shame. If you are not buring yourself, it's my food."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Mr. Foster: "What is your mother's name Mrs. Norton?"

Ed: "Mrs. Norton."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "Why did you bring that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That's okay. It's pot roast."

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "What are you spposed to be?"

Ed: "I'm a Merry Mouseketter."

Ralph: "You are a Merry Nut."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces The Fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio The Nut."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ed: "Don't you think I should climb that ladder?"

Ralph: "So you are saying that I am too fat and too heavy to climb this ladder. Why don't you just go out and say it?"

Ed: "I don't have to. You just did."

"Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type that would bend way over to get a pocketbook on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Alice: "You have seem to have forgotten that I am a woman."

Ralph: "I forgot that you are a woman? How could I? You are always yappin'."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ralph: "After tonight, I may have my own pooltable in my apartment."

Ed: "If you do, you would have to stand on the sink to make a shot."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Alice misses Ralph.)

Alice: "I'm so miserable."

Ed: "You have always been."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Ralph: "Staff, dinner will be at 7 unless of course Bing doesn't come."

Ed: "In that case, we will eat at 6."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Pete: "Who do you think you are, Jackie Gleason?"

Ralph: "How dare you? I'm not that nuts."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electricute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the car?"

Ed: "I can't get the car started."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I will have less to eat. I will start losing weight. Then, do you know what I will look like?"

Alice: "Yeah, a human being."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."

Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Hot Dog Stand" & "Please Leave The Premises":

Alice: "Do you call a bowling ball an absolute neccessity?"

Ralph: "I certainly do. You can't bowl without one."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "Nobody is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Harvey just saw Ralph "KO" somebody.)

Harvey: "That is some punch you got there."

Ralph: "It wasn't anything. I hurt him with my bad hand."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "You know what Jackie Gleason gets. Maybe $50 to $100 a night."

Ed: "$50 to $100 a night?"

Ralph: "Yeah. Personally, I don't think he deserves it but that is what he gets."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph (to Alice): "By the way cupcake..."

Ed: "Yes Ralph."

Ralph: "She is cupcake. You're fruitcake."

"The Prowler":

Ed: "I came by to tell you to put some stuff up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Alice: "I'll go get a flashlight for you."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. Alice comes by the door. He comes back.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well, it's the same ol' story: its not what you know, its who you know! If you don't have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know everything about everything, know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But, if you don't have any connections you get nowhere."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win that $100, I am going to get myself some bowling shoes, a leather lumber jacket, and you are going to get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Life upon the Wicked Stage":

(Alice is dressed up as a hula girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

(Ralph gets introduced to Happy the puupy dog who is big and around Ralph, he gets vicious.)

Alice: "That's Happy."

Ralph: "He doesn't look happy to me."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."

Ralph: "What question was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"Head of The House":

Ed: "In my household, I am the boss of the household."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmm."

Ed: "I think that any man that is afraid of his wife, isn't a man."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmmm."

Ed: "And I can't stree this too strongly that a husband is the boss."

Interviewer: "Yes?"

Ed: "Now don't quote me because if my wife reads that, she will kill me."

"Head of The House":

Ralph: "Men are responsible for the shape the world is in."

Alice: "Well, I am glad to hear one of you finally admit it."

"Ralph's Diet":

Ralph: "I don't need to diet anymore. I lost a pound."

Alice: "Ralph, when you lose a pound, it's like Bayoone losing a mosquito."

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What do you do for a living?"

Ralph: "I brive a dus."

Herb: "You brive a dus?"

Ralph: "A dus I brive."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(The makeup lady put lipstick on Ralph's lips.)

Makeup Lady: "Go like this."

(She makes kissing noises with her lips. So does Ralph.)

Ed: "Don't just sit there Ralph. Kiss me."

All quotes from "Curse of The Kramdens" (Lost episode):

#1:

Ralph: "I am not going to sacrifice myself for beer."

Alice: "I bet you would for pizza."

#2:

(Ralph & Ed are in the haunted castle. They try to pretend that it's a hotel room so they can settle in the night easier.)

Ralph: "Nice room."

Ed: "Too bad it's haunted."

#3:

Ed: “Is there any truth that a ghost can go through a wall?”

Ralph: “If it is, I am going through a wall.”

"$99,000 Answer":

(Ralph's practicing is keeping everybody, including McGarrity, up.)

Ralph: "This time, tomorrow night, my picture will be on the front page of every newspaper in the USA."

McGarrity: "So will mine for killing you."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "I am not nervous, Alice. I am not nervous. I may be a little excited about inheriting $40,000,000, but I am not nervous."

(Ralph polishes his sock.)

Alice: "You are not nervous Ralph. You are not nervous at all. You just read in Esquire about how the well-dressed man always polishes his sock."

"Better Living Through TV":

(Ed has Trixie's dress on while Trixie has to measure the hems.)

Trixie: "Do you have to smoke that cigar?"

Ed: "Please, it's the only link left to the old me."

All quotes come from "Curse of The Kramdens" (Color version):

#1

Mayor: "Did your mitther come from Ireland?"

Ed: "What's a mitther?"

Ralph: "He means your mother."

Ed: "No, she didn't. Neither did my britther or my sitther. It was my grandfither."

#2

Mayor: "Ah, you are a Kramden all right. You got the ear of an eagle, the heart of a lion and the dignity of a king. Ralph Kramden, it's good to meet you."

(He shakes the hand of Ed.)

Ralph: "Wait a minute. I am the one with the ear of an eagle, the heart of a lion and the dignity of a king. Ralph Kramden, it's good to meet you."

Ed: "Yeah, I got the tooth of an elk."

#3

(The mayor compliments the husbands on their chocie of wives.)

Alice: "You have been kissing the blarney stone."

Ed: "If he said those compliments about Trixie, I would say he drank the whole thing."

Happy St. Patty's Day!

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "Berlin threw away a lot of bad lines."

Alice: "Yeah, if you can only find out where he threw them."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

Ralph: "We have something that is greater than all of what your sister and brother-in-law have together."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "Our love now shut up."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph: "You mean that fter taking one look at that Carlos, you are going to give him Trixie's potato salad?"

Ed: "Of course. This will fix his wagon. Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "Just for that remark Alice, when we get to Fred's Landing, I won't introduce you to Fred."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This (the Handy Housewife Helper) is the key to my future. The key to my future."

Alice: "Don't tell me that it has a key for opening the door at Bellevue?"

"Norton Moves In":

(Ralph gets hurt by Norton's lit cigarette that Norton accidently dropped.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph (yells): "NORTON WANTED TO HAVE A CIGARETTE."

Alice: "So?"

Ralph (yells): "HE USED ME FOR AN ASHTRAY."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How could you even think of going to the movies when Ed took you to the Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph: "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested going to the Copa."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "I watched you tonight. Four pork chops. Four pork chops."

Ed: "What are you complaining about? You had six."

Ralph: "What are you, counting?"

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "You are to address me in a civil tongue."

Alice's Mom: "Oh, why don't you shut up?"

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Butler: "Mr. Marshall will be here shortly. He's in the library."

Ed: "The library? He ought to get here soon. The library closes at 9."

"Opportuinty Knocks, But":

(Ralph is upset that Ed is now his supervisor.)

Alice: "It's a blow to your pride."

Ralph: "It's not my pride Alice. It's not my pride."

Alice: "Well, your job is still the same."

Ralph: "Face it Alice. The day Ed becomes my boss, I will quit."

Alice: "Why?"

Ralph: "I have got my pride."

"Principle of The Thing" & "Hot Dog Stand":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute neccessity?"

Ralph: "I do. You can't bowl without one."

"The Adoption" & "Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us 'Big' Ralph & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"People's Choice" (Color):

(Ed brakes a paper bag behind Ralph's back. Ralph thought that he was shot.)

Alice: "What was that noise?"

Ralph: "Babyhead (Ed) had to break a paper bag."

"Two For The Money":

Ed: "This is the first time all week that I have a chance to go out at night."

Trixie: "Big deal. It's Monday."

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph lost the $200 that the lodge had collected.)

Ralph: "All I could scrape together was $8."

Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's engagement ring?"

Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $8?"

"A Matter of Life & Death":

(Alice reads Ralph's death letter and laughs.)

Alice: "This is a riot."

Ralph: "We will see how much of a riot it is when you have to finish the payments on the ice box."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "How can you be sure that you saw a yellow-bellied sap sucker when they are not supposed to be within 10,000 miles from here?"

Ed: "Because I saw a bird that had a yellow-belly and it was sucking sap."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that TV set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Principal of The Thing":

Alice: "If you ask me, this rrom shouldn't be papered. It should be padded."

(Alice leaves.)

Ralph: "Just once. Bang!"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Are the guys going to pick you up?"

Ed: "Yeah."

Ralph: "Could you give me a lift?"

Ed: "Sure. Always room for two more."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in the really broken-down hotel.)

Ralph (to Ed): "You keep it up and you won't even be a bellhop. You'll be a..."

Alice: "Why don't you make him a guest? Nothing can be worse than that."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "Some day, someone might discover you."

Ed: "Not unless he falls down an open manhole."

"Follow The Boys":

(Trixie comes down in a Japanese geisha girl costume.)

Trixie: "Come here lover boy (Ed.)"

Ed: "Save me Ralph. I'm a sex symbol."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed is giving a ring to Jim McKeever as a presnet for being named foreman.)

Alice: "Why don't you get the store to gift wrap this ring for you?"

Ed: "They got a silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase under $3.'"

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "Don't you care if I waste away?"

Alice: "Sure I do Ralph. But you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for 9 years."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice's Mom: "I hope you get to the $99,000 answer."

Ralph: "Well, I have to admit it Alice. Every now and then, your mother has common sense."

Alice's Mom: "I would like to see the expression on your face when you miss it."

"The Next Champ":

(Ed accidentally causes Ralph to miss his shot at pool. Ralph comes over and hits Ed's foot with a pool cue.)

Ed: "Ow!"

(Ed hits Ralph's foot with a pool cue.)

Ralph (yells): "OWW!"

"The Next Champ":

Mr. Armstrong: "I got six guys in my stable. I can make room for a heavyweight."

Ed: "He must have a biger kitchen than you Ralph."

"Love Letter":

(Ralph found out that Trixie is giving him a belt.)

Ralph: "A belt. Pretty small gift."

Alice: "Not with what you have to wrap it around."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "'Ralph, I want the ice box painted.' 'I want a curtain for the bedroom window.' Why do we need a curtain for the bedroom window? All you see is a brick wall. You are not married to Nelson Rockefeller."

Alice: "I got news for you Ralph. You are not married to Happy either."

"Flushing Ho":

(The Kramdens & Nortons are in their new apartment.)

Ralph: "We are used to much better."

Ed: "We lost a lot of money in the Mentilated Dental Floss Crash."

"Sees All, Knows All":

Ralph: "I'm a murderer."

Ed: "Look at the bright side. If you do commit a murder, the worst thing you will get is life in prison."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Doctors can be wrong too you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor only gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "Alice wants a TV set."

Ed: "Hey Ralph, how did Alice find out about TV? I thought you kept her in the dark about things like that."

"A Matter of Record":

Alice: "Ralph, I told you that I don't want you calling her that."

Ralph: "All right, you are an expert on crossword puzzles. Give me another word for 'blabbermouth.'"

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(Ralph & Ed entered the lemon of a cottage. The girls are about to enter.)

Ralph: "$998, we have been robbed. What are we going to tell the girls? They will kill us. They will kill us after seeing that place in the showroom. What are we going to do?"

Ed: "If it wasn't January, we can jump up from behind and yell: 'April Fool!'"

"Expectant Dad" & "Adoption":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. There isn't anything wrong with that. They called us: 'Big' & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"Adoption":

Ed: "Doctor can I ask a question that has to deal with the medical profession?"

Doctor: "Yes."

Ed: "Do you have any scientific ways of removing tattos?"

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "Since we are going to be living here, I may need to get my wife some new clothes."

Bruno: "Don't worry about it. All she will need is a black dress."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

(Bugsy's gang surrounds Ralph & Ed.)

Bugsy: "These are my boys."

Ralph: "Lovely family."

"Two For The Money":

Trixie: "Don't you ever think about us?"

Ed: "All the time. Why do you think we always go from bar to bar?"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I would like to have my coffee with one lump."

(Ed rings bell.)

Thelma: "You keep ringing that bell like that and you will get one lump."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Mr. Faversham says I have something that stretches from the
theater and goes out into the audience."

Alice (patting Ralph's stomach): "You certainly do."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ed & Ralph are doing a crossword puzzle.)

Ed: "Sofa." (writing): "S-o-f..." (not writing): "What is that an A or an E?"

Ralph: "It's A or E."

Ed (writing): "A or E."

"Peacemaker":

Alice: "Ed is gone."

Ralph: "I know that he is. I knew that the first day I met him."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(It's Ed's birthday and Ralph wants to get off cheaply.)

Alice: "Ed took you to the Kit Kat Klub on your birthday."

Ralph: 'Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa Cabana."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ed: "Take it from the top Norton."

(Ed is sitting on the piano.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Ed (yells): "YOU TOLD ME TO TAKE IT FROM THE TOP."

"Petticoat Jungle":

(The salesman shows the Kramdens and Nortons a very small box.)

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that there is one bathing suit in there?"

Man: "One? There are six of them in here."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This is the biggest thing I ever got into."

Alice: "That would be your pants."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "Can I use your phone?"

Ed: "No, Trixie is dressing."

Ralph: "But the phone is in the kitchen."

Ed: "That is where she is dressing. There is no window shade in the bedroom."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Is that you Mr. Johnson?"

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "YES IT IS MR. KRAMDEN AND I HAVE
THE SHERRIFF WITH ME. OPEN UP!"

Ralph: "Are you crazy? If I open the door, you will slap me with a rent increase. Ha ha. I am not opening up."

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "STAY IN THERE. BUT THE SHERRIFF IS POSTING ONE OF HIS MEN IN THIS HALLWAY AND THE MINUTE YOU OPEN THAT DOOR, HE WILL SLAP YOU WITH AN EVICTION NOTICE AND DON'T TRY TO GO OUT THE FIRE ESCAPE. HE WILL HAVE A MAN OUT THERE TOO."

(Ralph looks scared.)

Ralph (to Alice): "Just what I told you. He is scared to death."

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden?"

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to Ralph Kramden."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win the contest, I am going to get myself a leather lumbar jacket, a pair of bowling shoes and before I am finished, you will get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't come by unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork. Three times a week."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old."

Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress."

Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

(They are inside Uncle Howard's mansion.)

(Howard picking up a vase):

Howard: "They think that one day, all of this will be there's."

Ed: "Howard, quick fooling around with Ralph's vase."

"The Sun & Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph brings out his Raccoon pants that are now so big that they don't fit him.)

Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock."

Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ed: "With all the noise, you woke me up from a sound sleep."

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: "I woke him out of a sound sleep? I woke him out of a sound sleep?" (stepping on the thumbtacks that he dropped,
yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Please Leave The Premises":

Mr. Johnson: "I couldn't just ask the rent commission for me to raise the rent. I had to prove hardship."

Ralph: "What did you use for evidence, a picture of this dump?"

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden?"

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to Ralph Kramden."

"Principle of The Thing":

(The Kramdens have no water. Ed tries to listen to the pipes with a stethoscope to see what the trouble is.)

Ed: "There is your trouble right there. No water."

Ralph: "Did you hear that? He said no water. There's an intelligent man who has spent practically his entire life in the swer and believe you me when he says that there is no water, there is no water." (yells): "I KNOW THERE IS NO WATER."

Ed: "Now you are getting it from the expert's mouth."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "I think the wallpaper is pretty. Alice thinks it is rotten. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at it.)

Ed: "I think that you are both right. It's pretty rotten."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"King of The Castle":

(Trixie kicked Ed out.)

Ralph: "I don't know what went wrong. I told you to say to her that you are the king of your castle."

Ed: "I knew my part. Trixie didn't know hers."

"You're In The Picture":

(The man is holding a picture of Ralph and a girl kissing. If Alice found out, she would get mad.)

Man: "You give me $500 so you can have this picture or I will give it to your wife."

Ed: "Don't take the money. Let Alice have the picture than you can get it from her for nothing."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "Can you ake a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right." (yells): "I HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW GET OUT!"

Ed: "Okay. What's the hint?"

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah, about 300 lbs. of it."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph (knocking on door): "Got any mashed potatoes out there?"

(Door opens.)

Ralph: "I said do you have any mashed potatoes out there?"

Cook: "We don't even have anything else to throw away."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ed: "Now listen Ralph, as long as we are neighbors, you don't have to call me Norton. Call me Edwardo."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph. Your my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Ralph, I told my boss that I am not married and that I live with my brother. So, when he gets here tonight, you are my brother."

(Ralph walks into the bedroom.)

Ralph (coming out, yells): "WHAT?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(The Kramdens and Nortons are in the lemon that is their cottage.)

Ralph: "What do you think is the first thing we should do here?"

Alice: "Burn it down."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "Because of Ed, I had to go to work without my bath."

Trixie: "You didn't have to do that Ralph. You could take you bath at the circus. They wouldn't mind bathing one more elephant."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ed & Ralph are doing a crossword puzzle.)

Ed: "Sofa." (writing): "S-o-f..." (not writing): "What is that an A or an E?"

Ralph: "It's A or E."

Ed (writing): "A or E."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(It's Ed's birthday and Ralph wants to get off cheaply.)

Alice: "Ed took you to the Kit Kat Klub on your birthday."

Ralph: 'Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa Cabana."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ed: "Take it from the top Norton."

(Ed is sitting on the piano.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Ed (yells): "YOU TOLD ME TO TAKE IT FROM THE TOP."

All from “Easter Hats”:

#1:

Ralph: “Your sister's husband doesn't have the expenses I do. He lives in a low rent district! And besides what are you always talking about buying clothes. What are you trying to do? Get on the list of the ten best dressed women?”

Alice (holding broom): “Yeah. I almost made it this year, but the Duchess of Windsor nosed me out!”

#2:

Ralph: “A new hat? What about the hat I bought you for your birthday?”

Alice: “You mean the one with all the ostrich feathers on it?”

Ralph: “That’s the one.”

Alice: “Some hat. Every time I put it on I feel like burying my head in the ground.”

#3:

Ralph: “Ninety five cents a dozen for eggs?????”

Alice: “That's what they cost, Ralph. A week ago these same eggs cost seventy cents a dozen.”

Ralph: “I can't understand it. A week ago these eggs sold for seventy cents… Now they're ninety five cents a dozen? What does the farmer do? Go into the hen house where the chickens are sitting, and say "hold it" till the prices go up?”

"On Stage":

Ed (reading the script): "'I don't possess a mansion, a villa in France, a yacht, or a string of...'" (mispronouncing):"...'poloponies.'"

Ralph (reading the script): "'I feel very...'" (not reading): "String of..." (mispronouncing): "...poloponies?"

Ed: "It says so right here."

(Ralph looks.)

Ralph (yells): "THAT'S POLO PONIES."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "All right. We'll flip a coin to see where the set goes. Gimme a coin."

(Ed gives Ralph a coin.)

Ralph: "All right. Heads, I win. Tails, you lose. Right?"

(Ralph flips.)

Ralph: "Tails, you lose."

Ed: "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. If you don't mind, will you mind giving me back my coin?"

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "Alice, where's my shoehorn?"

Alice: "It's in the top, left-hand drawer."

(Ralph looks.)

Ralph: "It's not in the top-hand, left-hand drawer."

Alice: "It must be there."

Ralph: "It must be. It must be but it's not. Don't say 'It must be' Alice. What you mean is maybe. Not must be, maybe."

(Alice looks in the drawer and finds it.)

Alice: "This must be it, maybe."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "This poolroom isn’t big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom isn’t big enough for you and anybody."

"Run, Santa, Run":

(Ralph is in his Santa suit.)

Ralph: "If I do real good, can you get me a job as an Easter bunny?"

Sidney (aka "Mr. Smith #1"): "If you do real good, I will give you a job in February as a Groundhog."

"Petticoat Jungle":

(Ralph is showing the girls the "rabbit" he killed. The "rabbit" doesn't even look real. It looks like something you would find in a kids' room.)

Trixie: "This (the "rabbit") is what you came to Africa for?"

Alice: "What was he doing when you shot him, coloring Easter eggs?"

Happy Easter!

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

(The Nortons come down and ask if they can spend the night since they can't stand the smell of the new paint in their house. Alice okays it. They leave. Ralph is still asleep.)

Ralph: "3am? Why did you wake me up at this time for?"

Alice: "Because the Nortons had their apartment painted today."

Ralph: "Did that newsflash just come across the radio?"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "You are a doer and I'm a thinker."

Ed: "You certainly are."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ed (looking at a map): "Here's New York City, that is where we started from. Then we go through the Lincoln Tunnel. This black dot here is Jersey City. This black dot here is Bayoone."

Ralph: "Well, Bayoone moving. That's an ant."

Ed: "Let's follow the ant. He looks like he knows where he is going."

"A Man's Pride":

Alice: "Why can't we go to the Colonade Room?"

Ralph: "Name me one truck driver who eats there?"

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is at the dog pound. He just gave back Alice's dog that he hated, but slowly and surely he started not hating it.)

Ralph: "Is my dog going to get a good home?"

Man: "I hope so."

Ralph: "What do you mean by that?"

Man: "We have several dogs who are only supposed to be here for four days. We got several who are over the limit."

Ralph: "What happens to the dogs who are over the limit?"

Man: "They have to be destoryed."

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that the dog I just gave back is going to be destroyed?" (going into the room where all the dogs are, yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!"

"Lawsuit":

Ed: "I know a person who died from stubbing his toe?"

Man: "Stubbing his toe? How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the Grand Canyon's edge."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Doctors can be wrong too you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "I am the General. What I say goes."

Alice: "Then you better say Alice because I am going."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph comes home to a candlelit dinner.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

"Hero Part 1":

Mrs Halloway: "'He also says that if anybody says anything bad about you, he is willing to fight them."

Ed: "That kid is going to have a lot of fighting to do."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"We Spy":

Ralph: "In a foreign country, you got to live like a native."

Alice: "In Brooklyn, I live like a native."

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (to Ralph): "How now brown bovine."

Alice: That is a new word he just learned."

Ralph: "Now, he knows three of them."

"Two For The Money":

(Ed & Ralph dance to music that is coming from Dehnny's Bar's jukebox at 3am. The owner unplugs it.)

Restaurant Owner: "Do you want me to lose my license?"

Ed: "Don't worry. We will drive you home."

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "How could you be so icky?"

Ralph: "Icky?"

Alice: "You are a termite Ralph. Strickly out of the wood."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "What does icky mean?"

Ed: "I don't know. Why?"

Ralph: "Alice just said that I was icky."

Ed: "Must mean fat."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking that set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Ed: "The door is busted."

Alice: "It's a dutch door."

Ed: "Boy, those dutch people must be very short."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Trixie: "I don't know how Ed can get so unconscious so fast."

Ralph: "He has go a pretty good head start."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "Alice it was pretty lonely here without you."

Trixie: "Oh Ed, why can't you talk to me like that?"

Ed: "I would if you only go away every once in a while."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph thinks that he found his social security number.)

Ralph: "56-68-73."

Alice: "Those are the measurements for that new suit you bought."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "'Ralph, I want the ice box painted.' 'I want a curtain for the bedroom window.' Why do we need a curtain for the bedroom window? All you see is a brick wall. You are not married to Nelson Rockefeller."

Alice: "I got news for you Ralph. You are not married to Happy either."

"Two For The Money":

Ed: "This is the first night this week that I was able to gout out and have some fun."

Trixie: "Big deal. It's Monday."

"Boys & Girls Together":

Ralph: "Even the Constitution says that a man is entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

Ed: "But the marriage license is an amendment to the Constitution."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph & Ed are playing poker with a bunch of people.)

Ralph: "Why are you raising everyone if you are going out for?"

Ed: "I was trying to bluff you out of the pot."

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "That is a peephole. When someone knocks on your door, you look through that just in case it is a person that you don't want to let in like a deliver boy."

Ed: "The only thing you can deliver through there is a salami."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Ralph (to Emily): "He has a sickness."

Ed (as Count Marco): "I am allergic to spaghetti."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You think that I am Shorty."

Doctor: "Mr. Kramden, who is Shorty?"

Ralph: "How should I know? I never met him."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Here is another bottle. 'Oliveoil.'"

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT IS OLIVE OIL."

"$99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "This time, I am going to get my pot of gold."

Alice: "Just go for the gold. You already got the pot."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up the burnt jacket.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ralph has kept the whole building awake because of his toothache.)

Ralph: "If I bite into one of those Choosy-Chews, I will die."

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "GIVE HIM A CHOOSY-CHEW!"

"Move Uptown":

(A cop comes by as Ralph & Ed are moving things. He thinks that they are burglars.)

Ralph: "Norton, tell him who I am and that I live here."

Ed: "Wait a minute. I want to know if we are being booked on an 802 or 605."

"King of The Castle":

Ralph: "All this food is wearing me down."

Ed: "Yeah, I see that you are wasting away to a blimp."

"The Bowling Ball":

Ralph: "My bowling ball got stuck on my finger and I can't get it off."

Ed: "Why don't you go on a diet? Maybe, it will drop off."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Do you want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary couldn't even drip out."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "That phone is for you-you-you."

(Phone rings. Alice answers it.)

Alice: "Hello?..."(poking Ralph with the receiver): "It's for you-you-you."

"Curse of The Kramdens" (Color):

Man: "Carry Mr. Kramden to the train station."

(The men try to pick up Ralph but to no avail.)

Ed: "I think it would be easier if you went to the train station, picked it up, and carried it back here."

"A Dog's Life":

Ralph: "Gee, I remember when I used to weigh 165. Did you see me when I weighed 165?"

Ed: "No Ralph. I never did see your baby pictures."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ed: "Don't you think that I should be climbing on that ladder?"

Ralph: "So, you are saying that I'm too fat to climb this ladder. Why don't you just say it?"

Ed: "I don't have to. You just did."

Ralph: "My wife may not be alone on the moon."

(Ralph goes into the bedroom with the ladder. He climbs up it.)

Ralph (falling, yells): "DUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Move Uptown":

(Everyone is outside helping the Kramdens move.)

Ralph: "Where is Norton? We got to load the trailor?"

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom! Ed comes down with pots and pans tied on him.)

Ralph: "Why are you making so much noise for?"

Ed: "Shh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you get hurt?"

Ed: "No, luckily the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I quit bowling? It's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need something to keep your weight down. You need
something to hold it up."

"The Sleepwalker":

(The doctor gives Ed a shot.)

Doctor: "I want you to count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The G.F. is going to hypnotize Alice so she can let Ralph find out where she hid the money.)

Ralph (to the G.F.): "You might think that this is a little underhanded. But, all's fair in love and war."

Alice: "In this family, it's a little bit of both."

"To Whom It May Concern":

(Ralph is getting Ed to write the nasty remarks that he wants in his letter to the boss.)

Ralph: "I don't know what else to say."

Ed: "Maybe it's a good time for you to say that you want your job back."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "Why did you have to wear that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That is all right. It's pot roast."

"Flushing Ho":

(The Kramdens bought a duplex and has the Nortons as tenants becuase
the landlord didn't fix anything. Ralph is refusing to fix things in Ed's apartment.)

Ralph: "When we were tenants in the other place, the landlord wouldn't fix anything over there. Did he?"

Ed: "I know, that's why we moved in here. Remember?"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph and Ed try to lift the dresser.)

Ralph: "I'll count to three and on three we lift and then we heave ho. One..two...three."

(Ralph lifts the dresser but he can't lift his side of the dresser.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRGGGGH!" (normal voice): "Why didn't you lift?"

Ed: "We didn't heave ho."

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph (yelling in pain): "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA!"

(Alice comes out.)

Alice: "What was that?"

Ralph: "I was just yawning."

Alice: "Yawning? It sounded like feeding time at the zoo."

"A Matter of Record":

Ralph: "How could you be so stupid Norton? Why would you want to go? You know the ending as well as I do."

Ed: "You call me stupid? You call me stupid? It just so happens that it makes no difference to me what the ending of the play is. I will just wait until it gets real close to the end of the show and I will get up and walk out."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ed: "How about a kiss Trixie?"

Trixie: "I'm too tired."

Ed: "I work in the sewer all day and she's tired."

Trixie: "That is another reason."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

G.F.: "I am going to put you in a state of hypnosis."

Ed: "Promise you won't hurt me?"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "What good is money when you can't take it with you?"

Alice: "You are darn right I can't I never go anywhere."

"Boy Next Door":

Ralph: "My dad once said this: 'For one of a sock, a shoe was lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a war was lost. For one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost.'"

Alice: "Yeah? Why don't you get lost?"

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "Today, I'm fired. Tomorrow, I'm forgotten. They probably wouldn't remember what I looked like."

Ed: "That's okay. You go down there tomorrow and apply for another job."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "We will just have to live on our expenses."

Alice: "Swell! That will take care of tonight. But, what are we going to do in the morning?"

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "We will sell hamburgers, hot dogs, flapjacks, pizza pies..."

Ed: "And we will widen the front door."

Ralph: "Why would we do that?"

Ed: "With all that food, how are you going to get in and out?"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice is in the phone booth. They boys don't know it.)

Ralph: "I'm the one in the family with it up here."

(Ralph points to his head.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice wants to buy new furniture.)

Ralph: "Furniture? Furniture? We got furniture."

Alice: "Sure we got furniture. But just because you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ed: "I can get you a job with me down the sewer. All you have to do is pass the test."

Ralph: "What test is that?"

Ed: "Can you float?"

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "Where's Norton? We have to unload the trailor."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with a lot of pots and pans attached on him.)

Ralph: "What's the matter with you?"

Ed: "Shhh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, I didn't. Luckily, the pots and pans broke my fall."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Alice: "I got Ralph a new belt. I want to make sure it fits."

Trixie: "If it doesn't, you can always exchange it for a larger size."

Alice: "There ain't no larger size."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "Don't take any pictures of Dr. Norton. He's very modest."

Ed: "I wouldn't mind a few pictures."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Ralph & Alice are eating dinner.)

Ralph (pointing at his food): "What is that?"

Alice: "That is the appetizer."

Ralph: "What?"

Alice: "The appetizer."

Ralph: "I had my appetizer. I drove a bus for eight hours."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ed: "It's not like I don't want to lend you money, it's what you don't do with it."

Ralph: "What is that?"

Ed: "You don't pay me back."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Stop saying 'okay.' Say: 'That will be very good sir.'"

Thelma: "Okay."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "This (Ed) is my guest and I'm your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP."

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Can I use this hankerchef?"

Ralph: "It is one of my new ones. Just remember, it's for showin', not blowin'."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Fred: "You will have to eat as much in order to stay alive Ralph."

Ed: "Even that will be too much."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Norton, how can I lose a few inches in a few hours?"

Ed: "Maybe all that food made you shorter."

"Hero Part 1":

Herman Gruber: "I remember our class picture Ralph. You were in the first row."

Ed: "In the first row? He must have BEEN the first row."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won the TV set on the movie ticket that Ralph got.)

Ed: "It's just like the guy said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"

"The New Manager":

Ralph: "I know. We will take the Nortons on our honeymoon."

Trixie: "Ralph, you don't want us on your honeymoon."

Ed: "Will you keep quiet woman?"

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ed is ripping up his jacket just so he would look like a bum to get his suit back from the Help The Needy Society.)

Ralph: "I paid $8 for this jacket."

Ed: "Would you stop being so penny wise and half a pound foolish? You need to get the $73 from that jacket's pocket. $8 from $73 is, uh...You got a lot left over."

"Jellybeans":

Ed: "I was in a contest once. You had to name all the states. I got gyped out of the first prize. I named 66 states, the winner only named 48."

Ralph: "You are a mental case."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Alice: "I burned my figner on that darned stove."

Ralph: "If you are not burning yourself, it's my food."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ed: "Hey, what kind of peanut butter is that? Is that the crunchy kind?"

Ralph: "Yes, it's the crunchy kind and I can prove it to you. When this jar hits your head, you'll hear a crunch."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I'll get the $300 Alice. I'll get the $300 if I have to sell everything in this house."

Alice: "That's a good start but what are you going to do about the other $280?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ed: "Have I seen you once?"

Jean Kean (as herself): "I don't believe so."

Ed: "Did you ever work in the sewer?"

"Six Months To Live":

Ralph: "That does it Norton. In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Don't get so upset. Doctos can be wrong to you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"Follow The Boys":

(Alice wants to go to the movies but Ralph doesn't want him to go. He has to go bowling for the Hurricanes.)

Ralph: "The hurricanes need me."

Alice: "I feel very sorry for the Hurricanes because the biggest wind of them all is not going to be there."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "You don't know how to handle money."

Alice: "Of course not. I never had any practice."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(The gang is at a restaurant. Ralph & Ed are zombies.)

Ralph (to waiter): "Just give us four cups of coffee."

Ed: "I'll have the same. Four cups of coffee."

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "What are you doing with all of that material? Making a bedspread?"

Alice: "No, I'm taking your pants out again."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You think that I am a Shorty?"

Doctor: "Mr. Kramden, who's Shorty?"

Ralph: "How do I know? I never met him."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

Ed (reading crossword puzzle): "'Four-letter word. The leaning tower of...'"

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!"

Ed: "I only said..."

Ralph (yells): "I SAID SHUT UP!"

Ed: "I only said..."

Ralph (yells): "I SAID SHUT UP!"

Ed: "What's wrong?"

Ralph (yells): "WHAT'S WRONG? THE LEANING TOWER OF PIZZA. THAT IS WHAT'S WRONG."

"Lawsuit":

Ralph: "At times like this, I realize how thoughtless you are. You know the condition that I am in. You know I can't do anything by myself."

Alice: "How did you walk out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "This poolroom isn’t big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom isn’t big enough for you and anybody."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Doctor: "I notice that you have a slight limp. Is that disability permanent?"

Ralph: "No, it isn't. I got it this morning. I hit myself with a hammer."

Doctor: "You hit yourself with a hammer?"

Ralph: "Don't get the wrong idea. Ed hit my leg with the hammer."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up the burnt jacket.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Alice: "There's an old wives tale Ralph: 'A man works from sun-to-sun, but a woman's work is never done.'"

Ralph: "Good gosh."

"Curse of The Kramdens":

Ralph: "I will not sacrifice myself for beer."

Alice: "I bet you would for pizza."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "As time wore on, I grew older. I matured."

Ralph: "Yeah, now you are a full-grown nut."

"Hero Part 1":

Alice: "Let me ask you something Ralph. When was the last time you ever lifted 400 pounds?"

Ed: "This morning when he got out of bed."

"Expectant Father":

Ed: "My little kid grow up from a little guy. Education: Grammar school, high school, then on to college. When he gets out of college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Double Anniversary":

Ralph: "Something smells good."

Ed: "It can't be me. I just got through working in the sewer."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Reluctantly, Ralph let the stage manager put lipstick on him so that it will make him look better on the Mike Douglas Show. While the Kramdens & Nortons are on the show, Ralph kisses Alice.)

Alice: "Ralph, are you wearing lipstick?"

Ralph: "Shut up!"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "Can you take a hint?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph: "All right. I hate you." (yells): "HATE YOU! HATE YOU! HATE YOU! NOW, GET OUT."

Ed: "All right. What's the hint?"

"A Dog's Life":

Ed: "How about we call the food: 'Kramden's Delicious Marshall'?"

Ralph: "Marshall?"

Ed: "Well, we don't know what this food is. We might as well call it Marshall."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph brings some food to Mr. Marshall in his lunch box.)

Ralph: "I got in here (lunchbox) a million dollars."

Ed: "Then you must have had a good day on the bus."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "All right Ralph. You haven't touched the cornette in years."

Ralph: "I want to keep it."

Ed: "He has a point Alice. He hasn't seen his toes in years and he wants to keep them."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't drop by unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork. Three times a week."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph (yells): "I'M NOT MISSING THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

Alice (yells): "LISTEN HERE. YOU TRY AND WALK OUT THAT DOOR AND YOU
WILL BE IN THE BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I will get the $300 Alice. I will get the $300 if I have to sell everything in this house."

Alice: "Fine. But what are you going to do about the other $280?"

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Alice is dresssed up as a young lady.)

Alice: "Who is going to look at me Ralph. I'm an old woman."

Ralph: "Who would look at an old woman? An old man."

"Curse of The Kramdens":

Ralph: "I didn't know that Jackie Gleason was irish."

Ed: "Yeah. His family came during the potato famine. In fact, they may have caused it."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Do you have anyone to call to them that you are not coming back?"

Ed: "Who do I have to call? All I have to do is write a note and drop it in the nearest manhole."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces The Fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio The Nut."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I found out that I am Taurus The Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man but it's the same old bull."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

Ralph: "14 years, I have fractured myself driving a bus, just to take care of her. All ofa sudden today, I see her coming out of a restuarant and go into a cab with another guy. That's loyalty for you."

Ed: "The least she could have done was take a bus."

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Somebody down at the bus depot had an idead for a plaque to put on Ralph's bus that says: 'You are now driving with the World's Safest Bus Driver: Ralph Kramden.'"

Alice: "Oh, a plaque like that. I like that. Ed, you can tell me, who thought of the idea?"

Ed: "Ralph."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "You got to talk Trixie into taking that dress off."

Ed: "I am too young to die."

"You're In The Picture":

(Alice seeing a photo of a woman kissing Ralph, jumps to the conclusion that Ralph is seeing another woman. Ralph tries to tell her that the woman is a blackmailer and much to Ralph's chagrin, she forced herself on him, but to no avail. A policeman comes and explains that the woman in the picture is a blackmailer and reveals the fact that what Ralph said was true.)

Alice: "Forgive me Ralph."

Ralph: "Not yet, I want to enjoy this for a while."

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden."

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to him."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Alice, come on out. Dynamite is here."

(Alice slams the bedroom door.)

Ralph: "I guess that she is still asleep."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek after the makeup put some makeup on Ralph's eyes and lipstick.)

Ralph: "What did you just do?"

Ed: "I put a beauty mark on your left cheek."

Ralph: "Why did you do that?"

Ed: "Without it, you look exactly like Barbara Streisand."

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

(The Nortons come down and ask if they can spend the night since they can't stand the smell of the new paint in their house. Alice okays it. They leave. Ralph is still asleep.)

Ralph: "3am? Why did you wake me up at this time for?"

Alice: "Because the Nortons had their apartment painted today."

Ralph: "Did that newsflash just come across the radio?"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "You are a doer and I'm a thinker."

Ed: "You certainly are."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ed (looking at a map): "Here's New York City, that is where we started from. Then we go through the Lincoln Tunnel. This black dot here is Jersey City. This black dot here is Bayoone."

Ralph: "Well, Bayoone moving. That's an ant."

Ed: "Let's follow the ant. He looks like he knows where he is going."

"A Man's Pride":

Alice: "Why can't we go to the Colonade Room?"

Ralph: "Name me one truck driver who eats there?"

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is at the dog pound. He just gave back Alice's dog that he hated, but slowly and surely he started not hating it.)

Ralph: "Is my dog going to get a good home?"

Man: "I hope so."

Ralph: "What do you mean by that?"

Man: "We have several dogs who are only supposed to be here for four days. We got several who are over the limit."

Ralph: "What happens to the dogs who are over the limit?"

Man: "They have to be destoryed."

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that the dog I just gave back is going to be destroyed?" (going into the room where all the dogs are, yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!"

"Lawsuit":

Ed: "I know a person who died from stubbing his toe?"

Man: "Stubbing his toe? How is that possible?"

Ed: "He stubbed it on the Grand Canyon's edge."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

(The waiter makes crepe zuzzets [Franch pancakes], he starts a fire on his grill. Ralph sees it and puts the fire out with a fire extinguisher.)

Ralph: "It's a good thing I was here or the whole boat would have been on fire."

Alice: "Ralph, those were French pancakes."

Ralph: "I don't care what started the fire."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Flakey Wakey's add to the taste..."

Ed: "But take away from your fat little waist."

"Ship Of Fools":

Ed: "I went to Europe once."

Man: "Did you enjoy it?"

Ed: "No, the Germans kept shooting at me."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Trixie: "There's a sale on shorts. Norton could use some."

Alice: "So could Ralph. What sizes do they have."

Trixie: "All sizes 22 to 50."

Alice: "No, nothing there for Ralph."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "How much time would it take a man if he went about selling these things (Handy Housewife Helpers) if he went from door-to-door?"

Alice: "About one minute if this was the first door he knocked on."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ed comes in wearing shorts.)

Ed: "It's the latest thing. It's about time that we men broke the chains of convention. We have been prisoners long enough."

Ralph: "You keep wearing that and you will be in prison all over again."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph (very angry): "I'm going to the ballgame and that's that."

Alice: "Ooh, and they say all fat men are jolly."

"Better Living Through TV":

(Ed is wearing one of Trixie's dresses.)

Trixie: "Do you have to smoke that cigar?"

Ed: "Please. It's the only link left to the old me."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces the fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio the nut."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Harvey just saw Ralph "KO" somebody.)

Harvey: "That is some punch you got there."

Ralph: "It wasn't anything. I hurt him with my bad hand."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "You know what Jackie Gleason gets. Maybe $50 to $100 a night."

Ed: "$50 to $100 a night?"

Ralph: "Yeah. Personally, I don't think he deserves it but that is what he gets."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph (to Alice): "By the way cupcake..."

Ed: "Yes Ralph."

Ralph: "She is cupcake. You're fruitcake."

"The Prowler":

Ed: "I came by to tell you to put some stuff up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Alice: "I'll go get a flashlight for you."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. Alice comes by the door. He comes back.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well, it's the same ol' story: its not what you know, its who you know! If you don't have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know everything about everything, know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But, if you don't have any connections you get nowhere."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

"A Promotion Part 2":

Ralph: "A derrick couldn't get me out of this chair."

Alice: "A good big one might be able to."

"A Man's Pride":

(Ralph is trying to tell Bill Davis that he has a VERY IMPORTANT job.)

Ralph: "I am in the transportation business."

Bill Davis: "What do you do?"

Ralph: "Oh, I run things."

Bill: "You run things?"

Ed: "Yeah, everyday he's in the driver's seat."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Rita: "Do you have any nicknames that you like to call your husband?"

Alice: "Oh, I got several I love to call him."

Rita: "All you have to do is pick your husband's outstanding feature and find a name that fits."

Alice: "Oh, I see." (to Ralph): "Isn't that a good idea Tubby?"

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Someone thought about putting a plaque on Ralph's bus saying: 'You are on the bus of the World's Safest Bus Driver: Ralph Kramden.'"

Alice: "Oh, a plaque like that. Ed, you can tell me. Who thought of that idea?"

Ed: "Ralph."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I'll get the $300 Alice. I'll get it if I have to sell everything in this house."

Alice: "Fine. But, what are you going to do about the other $280?"

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "I read in a magazine once that 50% of a toothache is mental. 50% of the pain of that toothache is here (the mouth). The other 50% is in here (the head.)

Ralph: "For you information, 100% of it is here (the mouth.) There is nothing up there (the head.)"

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one. House: H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They are not challenging."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "I have to go bowling. I am the anchorman."

Alice: "Of what, the Queen Mary?"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is looking for apaper with his social security # on it.)

Ralph: "I think I found it. Here it is: 56-68-73."

Alice: "Those are the measurements for that new suit you bought."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ed: "Now listen Ralph, as long as we are neighbors, you don't have to call me Norton. Call me Edwardo."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Ralph, I told my boss that I am not married and that I live with my brother. So, when he gets here tonight, you are my brother."

(Ralph walks into the bedroom.)

Ralph (coming out, yells): "WHAT?"

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."

Ralph: "What question was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(One of Ralph's failed inventions that was revealed in this episode was Glow in the Dark shoeshine polish.)

Ed: "Mr. Mitchell, would you like to try shoeshine polish that glows in the dark?"

Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?"

"Battle of The Sexes":

Ralph: "Don't make a sound while I take a shot. Don't even breathe."

Ed: "If I don't breathe, I will die."

Ralph: "That's okay. Just don't make any noise when you hit the floor."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "How about the time when we were playing softball and you got hit in the head with a bat? Who was it that got you a cab and took you over to the hospital? I did. Who came and saw you every day? I did. Who got you
cigarettes and candy? I did."

Ed: "Who hit me in the head with a bat? You did."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Hair To A Fortune":

(Ralph accidently pours Ed's beer into the mixture that they are making to make the bair-growing formula.)

Ed: "I was looking for my beer."

Ralph: "You stupid stupe! You made me poor the beer into the mixture."

Ed: "Why are you calling me stupid for? I wouldn't have done it."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph (yelling in pain): "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA!"

(Alice comes out.)

Alice: "What was that?"

Ralph: "I was just yawning."

Alice: "Yawning? It sounded like feeding time at the zoo."

"A Matter of Record":

Ralph: "How could you be so stupid Norton? Why would you want to go? You know the ending as well as I do."

Ed: "You call me stupid? You call me stupid? It just so happens that it makes no difference to me what the ending of the play is. I will just wait until it gets real close to the end of the show and I will get up and walk out."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(Ralph brings out a small fish.)

Alice: "This was the big fish that you had the tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "It's a good thing that you weren't married to Alex Graham Bell or he would have never invented the phone."

Alice: "It makes no difference in my life. We don't have one."

Ralph: "With your mouth, we don't need one."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

G.F.: "I am going to put you in a state of hypnosis."

Ed: "Promise you won't hurt me?"

"Boy Next Door":

Ralph: "My dad once said this: 'For one of a sock, a shoe was lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a war was lost. For one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost.'"

Alice: "Yeah? Why don't you get lost?"

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ralph: "The more brains men have, the less hair they got."

(Alice puts her fingers in Ralph's hair.)

Alice: "I rest my case."

"A Dog's Life":

Alice: "Do you realize that you Raccoons have more emergency meetings than the U.N.?"

Ralph: "It turns out that we have more emergencies than the U.N."

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Doctor: "I notice that you have a slight limp. Is that disability permanent?"

Ralph: "No, it isn't. I got it this morning. I hit myself with a hammer."

“Ralph’s Sweet Tooth”:

Alice: “I read in a magazine once that 50% of pain is mental. 50% of that toothache is here (mouth). The other 50% is here (mind.)”

Ralph: “For your information, 100% of it is here (mouth.) There is nothing up there (mind.)”

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "Dr. Norton is very modest."

Ed: "I wouldn't mind a few pictures."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "You have no sense of humor."

Alice: "Oh yes, I do. I married you, didn't I?"

"The Loudspeaker":

Alice: "I suppose you were cold sober the other night you came home from your Raccoon Lodge Metting, flung open the window and yelled: "Hey Mrs. Gallagher, what is your cat doing in my apartment?'"

Ralph: "All right. I will ask you again. What was the cat doing in this apartment?"

Alice: "It wasn't her cat. You had your Raccoon hat on backwards."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "My mistake was not going to a ballgame the day I got married."

Alice: "What did you say? What did you say?"

(A pause.)

Ralph: "I don't chew my cabbage twice."

"The Next Champ":

(Dynamite is showing Ralph how to box as well as how Dynamite throws punches.)

Ed: "Murder him Dynamite."

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!"

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one. House: H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They are not challenging."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Follow The Boys":

Mr. Fallon: "Me and my wife have been together for 17 years."

Ed: "Just like me & Ralph."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ed: "Ralph, you don't look more than 10 years older than that sailor. Hey kid! How old are you?"

Sailor: "I'm 43."

All from "The Worry Wart."

#1:

Ed: "The worst thing they can possibly do to you send you to the Federal pen."

Ralph (coming out of the bedroom, yells): "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SAY STUFF LIKE THAT FOR?"

#2:

Ed (reading the Income Tax book): "Did you get any income from rents, mortgages, annuities or chattels?"

Ralph: "Chattels? What's a chattel?"

Ed: "I guess it means did you make any money selling livestock."

#3:

Ralph: "Penalty For Failure To Report Income" (reading the book): "'All persons are required under this title to pay an estimated tax or tax or are required by this title or by regulations made under authority thereof, to make a return, other than a return required under the authority of section 6015 or section 6016, keep any records or supply any other information and anyone who willfully fails to pay such estimated tax or tax, make such a return or keep such records or supply such information.'"

Ed: "Boy, Ralph it sounds like you are in trouble."

Ralph: "In trouble?! I don't even know what I am talking about."

All from "Income Tax":

#1:

(Ralph reads some Income Tax info.)

Alice: "An idiot can figure that out."

Ralph: "Don't worry. I'll get it."

#2:

Ed: "I just got a new gift for Trixie. You know a gift that proves that I still love her."

Ralph: "What did you get her?"

Ed: "A new broom."

#3:

Alice: "Do you know that the milkman says that the price of milk is going down?"

Ralph: "That's what both of you say, but anyone check with the cow?"

All from "Flushing Ho":

#1:

Ralph: "I have to eat to drive a bus. That is my business. Driving a bus."

Alice: "If you eat any more, than you won't be able to get in a bus."

#2:

(Ralph & Ed try to help each other with their taxes.)

Ralph: "I took depreciation off the furniture."

Ed: "Every 30 cents helps."

#3

Ralph (reading): "'Take 4% of the amount on line 4, column B above or tax shown on line 6 7C or 8 page 3, less the amount if any on line 9 page 3, or if tax table is used, then tax an item 7 on page 1 or %2 of taxable income line 5 page 3, if alternative taxes are applicable line 20 scheduledy or twice line 20, in case of a joint return.' Go ahead and help me with that."

Alice: "You got any idea of the answer?"

Ralph: "I don't even know what the question is."

"The Golfer":

(Ralph picks up the cotton ball.)

Ralph (yells): "OW! IT HAS PINS IN IT."

Ed: "What did you expect. chicken noddles?"

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Don't you trust me Ralph? You are my husband."

Ralph: "No, I'm your brother."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "it's a good thing that you weren't married to Alex Graham Bell or he would have never invented the phone."

Alice: "It makes no difference to me. We don't have one."

Ralph: "With your voice, we don't need one."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "We will sell hamburgers, hot dogs, flapjacks, pizza pies..."

Ed: "And we will widen the front door."

Ralph: "Why would we do that?"

Ed: "With all that food, how are you going to get in and out?"

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ed: "Are you sick?"

Ralph: "Yeah, I'm sick."

(Ralph winks to say to Ed that he isn't. Ed doesn't buy it.)

Ed: "You ain't kidding. You even got a twitch in your eye."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ed: "Here's a good theme for the dance. How about the Vikings Discovering America?"

Ralph: "You want to do that theme in the Sons of Italy Hall?"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you realize that at the annual clambake I have the honor of opening the first clam! And as we take our cruise up the Hudson River I get to go up to the bridge and steer - as we pass Raccoon Point."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Did you just see how Dynamite walloped that machine?"

Ed: "Good thing it wasn't a Pepsi-Cola machine or we would all drown."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Mr. Johnson: "I couldn't just ask the rent commission for me to raise the rent. I had to prove hardship."

Ralph: "What did you use for evidence, a picture of this dump?"

"Principle of The Thing":

(The Kramdens have no water. Ed tries to listen to the pipes with a stethoscope to see what the trouble is.)

Ed: "There is your trouble right there. No water."

Ralph: "Did you hear that? He said no water. There's an intelligent man who has spent practically his entire life in the swer and believe you me when he says that there is no water, there is no water." (yells): "I KNOW THERE IS NO WATER."

Ed: "Now you are getting it from the expert's mouth."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "I think the wallpaper is pretty. Alice thinks it is rotten. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at it.)

Ed: "I think that you are both right. It's pretty rotten."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"King of The Castle":

(Trixie kicked Ed out.)

Ralph: "I don't know what went wrong. I told you to say to her that you are the king of your castle."

Ed: "I knew my part. Trixie didn't know hers."

"You're In The Picture":

(The man is holding a picture of Ralph and a girl kissing. If Alice found out, she would get mad.)

Man: "You give me $500 so you can have this picture or I will give it to your wife."

Ed: "Don't take the money. Let Alice have the picture than you can get it from her for nothing."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph and Ed try to lift the dresser.)

Ralph: "I'll count to three and on three we lift and then we heave ho. One..two...three."

(Ralph lifts the dresser but he can't lift his side of the dresser.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRGGGGH!" (normal voice): "Why didn't you lift?"

Ed: "We didn't heave ho."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Ed & Ralph are sparring with each other.)

Ed: "Cover up your face! Cover up your face!"

(Ralph does that. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells in pain): "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAA! WHOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! WHY DID YOU PUNCH ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER UP MY FACE?"

Ed: "That should tell you not to trust anybody in the ring."

"This Is Your Life Part 2":

Phil Cucco: "Too bad there aren't enough Alices to go around."

Ralph: "This one gets around pretty good."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "'one hand washes the other while both hands wash the face.'"

Ed: "Never mind that. Just get me the water. I know how to wash."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I didn't empty out your garbage can because it was half-full. When it's full-full, then I will take it down. That way, I make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here - save a trip there. It all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "If you write music, you can write any kind of music."

Ed: "Oh yeah? Name me one rhumba that Beethoven wrote."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "I have to get up early in the moring too and you don't hear me complaining and I have got responsibilities. If I fall asleep, I am liable to run into something."

Ed: "If I fall asleep, I am liable to drown."

"Poor People of Paris":

Ralph: "If I were you, I wouldn't go out in the month of May."

Ed: "Why?"

Ralph: "Because that is when they gather nuts."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "We have something that is more valuable than all of what your brother and his wife put together."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "Our love. Now shut up!"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny that I am going to put you in my act. I am going to call the act 'Punch & Judy' and you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ed: "How about a kiss Trixie?"

Trixie: "I'm too tired."

Ed: "How do you like that? I worked in the sewer all day and she's tired."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I would like to have my coffee with one lump."

(Ed rings bell.)

Thelma: "You keep ringing that bell like that and you will get one lump."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Mr. Faversham says I have something that stretches from the theater and goes out into the audience."

Alice (patting Ralph's stomach): "You certainly do."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ed & Ralph are doing a crossword puzzle.)

Ed: "Sofa." (writing): "S-o-f..." (not writing): "What is that an A or an E?"

Ralph: "It's A or E."

Ed (writing): "A or E."

"Peacemaker":

Alice: "Ed is gone."

Ralph: "I know that he is. I knew that the first day I met him."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(It's Ed's birthday and Ralph wants to get off cheaply.)

Alice: "Ed took you to the Kit Kat Klub on your birthday."

Ralph: 'Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa Cabana."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ed: "Take it from the top Norton."

(Ed is sitting on the piano.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Ed (yells): "YOU TOLD ME TO TAKE IT FROM THE TOP."

"Petticoat Jungle":

(The salesman shows the Kramdens and Nortons a very small box.)

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that there is one bathing suit in there?"

Man: "One? There are six of them in here."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This is the biggest thing I ever got into."

Alice: "That would be your pants."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "Can I use your phone?"

Ed: "No, Trixie is dressing."

Ralph: "But the phone is in the kitchen."

Ed: "That is where she is dressing. There is no window shade in the bedroom."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Remember last year at the Convention when the police were cracking down on the people who were throwing water bags out of the hotel window? That didn't bother me. I just filled up my bags with water and threw them out."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "You are the type of person that would bend way over to pick up a pocketbook on April Fool's Day. I wouldn't."

Alice: "You couldn't."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I wish that Trixie would make frosting that tastes as good as this."

Alice: "Icing? Ed, that's starch."

Ed: "It is?"

(Ed tastes it again.)

Ed: "I still wish that Trixie would make frosting that tastes as good as this."

"The Next Champ":

(Ed accidentally makes Ralph miss his shot while playing pool. Ralph walks up to Ed and hits Ed's foot with a pool cue.)

Ed: "Ow!"

(Ed hits Ralph's foot with the pool cue.)

Ralph (yells): "OWWW!"

"The Cold":

(Alice is taking the plaster off of Ralph's back.)

Alice: "I suppose you can't take off the top of your pajamas?"

Ralph: "You want to turn the cold into ammonia."

"To Whom It May Concern":

(Ralph says what he wants Ed to say in a letter to his boss.)

Ralph: "'You dirty bum!'"

Ed: "Don't you think that that is a little rough for a starter?"

Ralph: "Maybe your right. ‘Dear Mr. Marshall:'"

Ed: "That's better."

Ralph: "'...You dirty bum!'"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "I'm the boss. You're nothing."

Alice: "Big deal. You are the boss over nothing."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Your brother is a moocher, a swindler, and a bum."

Alice: "What did you say?"

Ralph: "I said that your brother is a bum. Capital B-capital u-capital um. Bum."

Alice: "My brother is just as good as any member of your family."

Ralph: "He's still a bum."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I will duck."

(Ed throws a punch and hits Ralph.)

Ed: "Hey, that's some ducking Ralph. I can never hit you the second time."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "Ed, you didn't get the job of sewer inspector?"

Ed: "No. I washed out."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ed: "Hey, what kind of peanut butter is that? Is that the crunchy kind?"

Ralph: "Yes, it is the crunchy kind and I can prove it to you. When this jar hits your head, you will hear a crunch."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I can say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now, what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Move Uptown":

Ed: "I want to drink you a farewell toast."

Ralph: "You know that is awafully nice of you Norton. I would like to have a toast with you."

Ed: "Good. Got any wine around the house?"

"What's The Name" & "What's Her Name":

Ralph: "Name the stars we saw in that picture tonight."

Ed: "Gary Coleman, Lana Turner..."

Ralph: "Keep going."

Ed: "You keep going. I am still thinking of Lana."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(Mr. Marshall's daughter is getting married.)

Ralph: "When he realizes who idea it was to make the collection to get a gift, who do you think is going to get the promotion?"

Ed: "The guy who she is marrying, who else?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!"

Ralph: "Crow! Crow! Crow!"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Jackie Gleason is down at that Fun & Sun Capital of the World."

Ed: "What is he doing down at Perth Amboy?"

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph thinks he just got nominated Raccoon of The Year.)

Ralph: "Alice, something happened to me today that is probably, and without a doubt. One of the finest things to ever happen to me in my life. There isn't anything in the world that could have happened to me that is better than what happened to me today! And if you guess for a million years - for a million years - you couldn't guess what it was that happened to me today!"

Alice: "Well, there's only one thing I can think of from the way you are acting. You've been named Raccoon of the Year in that silly lodge of yours."

"A Dog's Life":

Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "OH ALICE! OH ALICE!"

Ed: "There it is. The voice of doom."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing" (1954 version):

Trixie: "Maybe the radiator needs some water."

Ralph: "Well, now that's very clever and which one of the Pep Boys are you, Manny, Moe or Jack? If I had any water, I would put it in there."

Trixie: "Ralph, I was only thinking..."

Ralph: "Well, don't think.Just keep your mouth shut."

Ed: "Just a minute. You seem to have forgotten that she's my wife and I don't like you yelling at her that way." (to Trixie, yells): "NOW STOP THINKING AND SHUT UP!"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Alice accidently throws her pool cue.)

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Alice: "I guess I wasn't supposed to do that, wasn't I?"

Ralph: "Not if we are playing pool but if we are javelin throwing, we are."

"Lawsuit":

Alice: "This is the dumbest thing you ever did."

Ralph: "You wouldn't be saying that once we are living on Park Avenue."

Alice: "I thought you were going to open a grocery store in Jersey."

Ralph: "I'll commute."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ed: "Every time I play cards, I lose. Every single time then after when I get home, I tell Trixie I lost. She gets mad at me. She hollers at me. I can't eat. I can't sleep. At work, I am sick all day."

Ralph: "Then why do you play for?"

Ed: "It's the only fun I get."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph are at the Help The Needy Society's caseworker's desk. Ralph's jacket is very ripped because of Ed Norton trying to make Ralph look like a bum.)

Ralph: "I am a needy case. Look at me."

Ed: "This is his Sunday suit."

"The Loudspeaker":

Alice: "I suppose you were cold sober the night you came home, went into the bedroom, stuck your head out and yelled: 'Hey Mrs. Gallagher, why is your cat doing in my apartment?'"

Ralph: "I'll ask you again. What was her cat doing in this apartment?"

Alice: "It wasn't her cat. You had your Racoon hat on backwards."

"Nephew of the Bride":

(Ralph wants to get rid of Aunt Ethel.)

Ed: "Why don't you put your head out the window and holler: 'Fire!'"

Ralph: "Suppose other people hear it? Then they will think the fire is real."

Ed: "Then you yell: 'Fire, Aunt Ethel.'"