ABlairican Pie
01-31-2002, 08:51 PM
The next day, Saturday, while everyone did other Christian-group type thingies at the beachfront inn, I scouted around the beach in the clear air, watching the waves roll across the sand and the pelicans fly by. I knew nothing about Pismo Beach other than that it was mentioned on a Bugs Bunny cartoon. My mind was full, my Christianity was at a standstill. I began a total intellectual re-evaluation of my faith, what its basic tenets were and how they applied to me, etc. I was on a philosophical roll that morning, writing down everything--not admitting that my source of discomfort was caused by a certain Blonde Haired Fiend down south. Why I went on a philosophical whirwind, it was my way of articulating what I could not express, and examine what I
had long taken at surface value in regards to my faith. During the day I played video games at an arcade, scoured bookstores,
and occasionally joined the chruch group for activities. In the hotel room I briefly watched some dorky new show, "Star Trek: The Next Generation", complete with cosmic mating jellyfish (a SURE sign this show wouldn't last a month!!) before flipping on a
new FOL episode (where Jo housesits for Richard Moll)--I personally thought that the policeman laughing uproariously at Blair's request for a menu and special fancy meals was over-acted--how funny could it be? Afterward I listened to a heartbreaker song on tape ("Keyleigh" by Marillion), then went outside.
Once outside the front door of the inn chilling in the evening breeze, I sank down on the ground. I shook and trembled as the darkness swept my heart. I could not stand it any longer. I began to cry. LISA HATED ME--FOR WHAT, I DIDN'T KNOW!! It was so hard to accept the thought that briefly holding her back from going about her business that Saturday morning would bring out such a reaction in her. I had no real PROOF that she did--other than that my meetings with her were so brief--why else would she hurry off each time it weren't for the fact that I
WAS THE VILEST, SKANKIEST PILE OF FILTH ON THE ENTIRE EARTH!!
The next day, feeling a bit better from my moment of anguish the night before, I joined my friends for the trip back. For some reason, I felt an irrepressible urge to write--WHATEVER came to mind was now a huge volume of the most sagelike verse--at least to me. I could not understand it, or maybe at the time I did.
I began to interpret things as having some deep hidden mystical meaning, it was lik all the poetry I had written, but very philosophical. While on the road back, one of the guys noticed me scribbling my literary ramblings down and urged me to knock it off. HEY, BUDDY, I'M HAVING A MOMENT, WILL YA??:mad: But the flow of thoughts, the mighty rushing stream of consciousness
would not stop. I was unable to figure out why this shift in my thinking was going on. As far as I could recall, I had huffed no herb-spiked brownies or anything like that, it was just...what WAS it?? It was so subtle, I figured it was the greatest flash of inspiration. But in the days that followed, the boggling of my mind would become more intense...
I was heading toward some conclusion about something, I did not know what. This train of thought had a terminal stop somewhere. I began to analyse everything, spending hours talking to God about whatever I was thinking. At the same time, I realized that not having a gainful means of income was making me rather thin. Aside from can recycling, food money was scarce. I was growing so used to lack of food intake I realized I was going on a fast. The oher things I experienced were constant fatigue--often I needed tosit down and take a siesta:sleep: wherever I could. Being homeless was not easy. The other thing I noticed was increasing irritability with others--I just didn't want to be bothered by anyone, even people who were my friends at the Prayer Chapel. It was the sort of irritability one feels when being awake since 3AM on an empty stomach--and NO COFFEE to get you in a good mood. :livid: As soon as I had replenished with food, I was okay.
Soon, on an October Wednesday night, I had made my decision.
I was going to get to the bottom of this thing with Lisa, what was the reason I seemed to have "inconvenienced" her in August as she was going about her business. What was wrong with me? I wanted to know. I spent a while stuffing envelopes with church volunteers (I was becoming quite a helpful figure around there, especially when I helped plant grass and do landscape work there--a big B&W photo of me and some others hung on the wall in one church room), had a few snacks, and then left to find her. Not a sign of her in the church with the clowder of congregants flowing in. So I went out toward the parking lot. I felt somehow this was going to be the moment something would happen. Maybe my darkest fears would be laid to rest, or...WHAT? And soon, strolling up the sidewalk, there she was. Lisa. Before I could say anything, she said the most unthinkable words that I NEVER expected her to say:
"How are you doing tonight?"
:eek2: She smiled so sweetly, beaming like a blue moon in the murky streetlight haze. I was so suprised, I was so convinced she would say something cutting like, "What the hell are YOU doing out here. jerk-face?" This was how bad my self-esteem had taken a beating. But since I was so amazed by her cheerful greeting, all my fears and worries disappeared--I told her, in my new deliriously mystical, rambling sort of way, how I had been going through a crisis of faith for the past few weeks but that her kind words this evening had restored a sense of God's love in me. She said she was happy for me, and that she must be excused to use the ladies' room (detaining her from important business AGAIN??) :confused: and as we finished our conversation, I just exclaimed, "Praise God, praise God..." then she left. A few minutes later, I saw her back in the church, yucking it up with her friends. That night after church, in the aftermath of basking in the light of Lisa's presence for a moment, the fears and worries sprouted like toadstools--as that familiar darkness returned. And this time the darkness whispered a message.
Why was there a sadness behind Lisa's smile?
had long taken at surface value in regards to my faith. During the day I played video games at an arcade, scoured bookstores,
and occasionally joined the chruch group for activities. In the hotel room I briefly watched some dorky new show, "Star Trek: The Next Generation", complete with cosmic mating jellyfish (a SURE sign this show wouldn't last a month!!) before flipping on a
new FOL episode (where Jo housesits for Richard Moll)--I personally thought that the policeman laughing uproariously at Blair's request for a menu and special fancy meals was over-acted--how funny could it be? Afterward I listened to a heartbreaker song on tape ("Keyleigh" by Marillion), then went outside.
Once outside the front door of the inn chilling in the evening breeze, I sank down on the ground. I shook and trembled as the darkness swept my heart. I could not stand it any longer. I began to cry. LISA HATED ME--FOR WHAT, I DIDN'T KNOW!! It was so hard to accept the thought that briefly holding her back from going about her business that Saturday morning would bring out such a reaction in her. I had no real PROOF that she did--other than that my meetings with her were so brief--why else would she hurry off each time it weren't for the fact that I
WAS THE VILEST, SKANKIEST PILE OF FILTH ON THE ENTIRE EARTH!!
The next day, feeling a bit better from my moment of anguish the night before, I joined my friends for the trip back. For some reason, I felt an irrepressible urge to write--WHATEVER came to mind was now a huge volume of the most sagelike verse--at least to me. I could not understand it, or maybe at the time I did.
I began to interpret things as having some deep hidden mystical meaning, it was lik all the poetry I had written, but very philosophical. While on the road back, one of the guys noticed me scribbling my literary ramblings down and urged me to knock it off. HEY, BUDDY, I'M HAVING A MOMENT, WILL YA??:mad: But the flow of thoughts, the mighty rushing stream of consciousness
would not stop. I was unable to figure out why this shift in my thinking was going on. As far as I could recall, I had huffed no herb-spiked brownies or anything like that, it was just...what WAS it?? It was so subtle, I figured it was the greatest flash of inspiration. But in the days that followed, the boggling of my mind would become more intense...
I was heading toward some conclusion about something, I did not know what. This train of thought had a terminal stop somewhere. I began to analyse everything, spending hours talking to God about whatever I was thinking. At the same time, I realized that not having a gainful means of income was making me rather thin. Aside from can recycling, food money was scarce. I was growing so used to lack of food intake I realized I was going on a fast. The oher things I experienced were constant fatigue--often I needed tosit down and take a siesta:sleep: wherever I could. Being homeless was not easy. The other thing I noticed was increasing irritability with others--I just didn't want to be bothered by anyone, even people who were my friends at the Prayer Chapel. It was the sort of irritability one feels when being awake since 3AM on an empty stomach--and NO COFFEE to get you in a good mood. :livid: As soon as I had replenished with food, I was okay.
Soon, on an October Wednesday night, I had made my decision.
I was going to get to the bottom of this thing with Lisa, what was the reason I seemed to have "inconvenienced" her in August as she was going about her business. What was wrong with me? I wanted to know. I spent a while stuffing envelopes with church volunteers (I was becoming quite a helpful figure around there, especially when I helped plant grass and do landscape work there--a big B&W photo of me and some others hung on the wall in one church room), had a few snacks, and then left to find her. Not a sign of her in the church with the clowder of congregants flowing in. So I went out toward the parking lot. I felt somehow this was going to be the moment something would happen. Maybe my darkest fears would be laid to rest, or...WHAT? And soon, strolling up the sidewalk, there she was. Lisa. Before I could say anything, she said the most unthinkable words that I NEVER expected her to say:
"How are you doing tonight?"
:eek2: She smiled so sweetly, beaming like a blue moon in the murky streetlight haze. I was so suprised, I was so convinced she would say something cutting like, "What the hell are YOU doing out here. jerk-face?" This was how bad my self-esteem had taken a beating. But since I was so amazed by her cheerful greeting, all my fears and worries disappeared--I told her, in my new deliriously mystical, rambling sort of way, how I had been going through a crisis of faith for the past few weeks but that her kind words this evening had restored a sense of God's love in me. She said she was happy for me, and that she must be excused to use the ladies' room (detaining her from important business AGAIN??) :confused: and as we finished our conversation, I just exclaimed, "Praise God, praise God..." then she left. A few minutes later, I saw her back in the church, yucking it up with her friends. That night after church, in the aftermath of basking in the light of Lisa's presence for a moment, the fears and worries sprouted like toadstools--as that familiar darkness returned. And this time the darkness whispered a message.
Why was there a sadness behind Lisa's smile?