As many of us already know, numerous TV sitcoms have had game show plots on in which characters from that particular show appear as game show contestants, often leaving us ROTFL! On The Golden Girls, we have had two game show spoofs; the Grab That Dough ep. with Jim McKrell (Celebrity
Sweepstakes), and the hilarious Jeopardy! dream sequence with Alex Trebek and even Merv Griffin himself!

What I was thinking, especially since Betty White was a recurring guest panelist on Match Game,
that it would be funny to have a flashback sequence (much like the scenes with a young Dorothy and Estelle Getty sans her Sophia makeup) was featuring Rose as a Match Game '7X contestant long before moving to Miami with the other girls.

I actually thought about this idea when Gene Rayburn came to see Betty White on a This is Your Life TV special in 1987, and wrote my first draft back in 1999 on alt.tv.game-shows (in the days of the Usenet).

(Following a clip of the "Grab That Dough" episode)

The girls have been discussing their appearance on the show, while eating cheesecake as they usually do. So far that is that, until Rose makes a surpising announcement:

DOROTHY: Appearing on that show was an experience I will never forget. First, we couldn't find a hotel room, then we won zippo on that Game Show. Looks like that will be our first and last appearance on ANY game show!

ROSE: It wasn't MY first.

DOROTHY: Rose, you never to us you were on a game show before that? Why didn't you? Did you lose or something?

ROSE: No, actually I won! $5,600 to be exact!

SOPHIA: Oh my God, the world is coming to an end!

BLANCHE: What show were you on?

ROSE: I was a contestant on Match Game-- way back in 1973!!

SOPHIA: YOU ARE KIDDING!!! I loved that show, however, I don't remember seeing you on there.

DOROTHY: That show was a madhouse I don't think any of us will ever get over!

BLANCHE: Could you tell us about it?

ROSE: Well, I....

From here, the flashback begins, and the screen fades into the orange "flipper" Match Game was famous for. Here's a video in case anyone's unfamiliar with the show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDdhGeXQhPU

(cue the Match Game "wank" music)

JOHNNY OLSON: Get Ready to Match the Stars!

(start turning flipper)

Johnny Whitaker!
http://imagecollect.com/picture/johnny-whitaker-photo-2165215/new.jpg

Brett Somers!
https://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/18/arts/television/18somers.html

Charles Nelson Reilly!
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m54lks1VhD1r9b96ko1_1280.png

Ann B. Davis!
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/412sVncc9LL._SL500_AA300_.jpg

Richard Dawson!
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Oo9X-7nagck/TyX6MOffugI/AAAAAAAAADM/i02RaDn19jg/s1600/Capture.JPG

and Betty White!
http://www.thewrap.com/wp-content/uploads/files/u1177/betty-white-match.jpg

As the orange flipper turns to reveal the stars on the panel, several of the are holding blue answer slips with messages written on them. The flipper eventually stops turning as usual

JOHNNY OLSON: As we play the big-money, star-studded, Match Game '73!

The sign lights up and the main theme blares through the studio. The set lights up and the sign is lifted as the doors prepare to be opened.

JOHNNY OLSON: And now, here's the star of Match Game '73.............GENE RAYBURN!!!!!

The doors open and Gene makes his entrance. He walks over to the panel tier, standing next to Ann B. Davis. She hands Gene his trademark long microphone.

(cheers and applause from audience)

http://www.nndb.com/people/374/000022308/geneface.jpg

GENE: Thank you! Thank you Johnny Olson, and friends! Welcome to Match Game '73! I hope we have a good group today!

RICHARD: Compared to WHAT?!

BRETT: Aren't we always good? I mean Charles can be a little naughty sometimes!

GENE: This week, we're having two new stars appearing on the show for the first time, so would you join us in a big Match Game welcome-- for Johnny Whitaker and Ann B. Davis!

Cheers and applause from audience. Sounds of screaming girls are faintly heard.

GENE: Wait a minute! Did I just hear screaming girls in the audience? This is definitely a Match Game first!

JOHNNY: We'll, I'm kinda used to it!

GENE: Sigmund and the Sea Monsters....

Johnny tells us about his show. FYI, I never watched this show more than about ten times in my life (all reruns), but I have enough of an idea about it to know what was going on. Go figure! :)

At the end of Johnny's description, he mentions the show's creators, Sid & Marty Krofft.

CHARLES: I did a show with them.

GENE: Hey, that's right!

JOHNNY: You were on Lidsville!

CHARLES: I played the wizard Hoo Doo (maybe telling a little more, time permitting)

GENE: That was quite a performance.

BRETT: He was basically playing himself!!!

Laughter and a few more comments are thrown in.

GENE: Just out of curiosity, how old are you Johnny?

JOHNNY: Thirteen. I'll be 14 on December 13th!.

Gene wraps this up and proceeds to move on to Ann B. Davis.

GENE: Richard, would you make this lovely lady feel welcome?

RICHARD: (to Ann B.) You look like the cover of Vogue! You're beautiful!

In trademark fashion, he smooches her! Ann then laughs as he does so.

GENE: Now let ME see what kind of a kisser she is! (He gives her HIS trademark kiss)

GENE: As many of us know, Ann is known to millions as Alice from the Brady Bunch. Would you mind telling us about it?

ANN B.: First of all, you not going to ask me how old I am?

GENE: No, I won't!

Ann then tells Gene how things are going so far, and her experience on The Brady Bunch. Richard even points out her role as Schultzy on Love that Bob. Other panelists may also throw in a few comments.

GENE: Well, it's great to have both of you on the show!

ANN B.: I'm really looking forward to it!

GENE: You will find Match Game a most thrilling and amusing experience!

BETTY: Except for the fact that Brett cheats!

Brett shoots back a Betty in reaction to this comment. Eventually, eveybody gets settled, and Gene proceeds to start the game.

(flashforward-- back to present-day Miami)

ROSE: and then...

DOROTHY: Rose, why can't you get to point! All you've talked about was the opening of the show.

SOPHIA: She NEVER gets to the point of anything!

ROSE: I'm sorry to keep rambling! Okay, here's how it went...

Flashback to Match Game '73. The turntable is turning. bringing Rose around sitting at her podium. Theme music is also playing.

GENE: Would you join us please. in welcoming Rose Nylund to our show.

Cheers and applause from both audience and panel. The turntable and
music finally stop, and Rose's opponent takes her seat at the opposite
podium. Gene does a double take when he sees Rose for the first time.

GENE: Hello Rose, how are you?

ROSE: Just fine!

GENE: It may just be me, but don't you agree that Rose bears a strking resemblance to Betty White, who happens to be sitting over there?

BETTY: And is my Mother going to be surprised!

ROSE: People are ALWAYS telling me that, but I don't think I look anything like her.

ANN B. : I would take it as a compliment!

GENE: She's right, Betty is in fact a very nice-looking lady!

So Rose, would you mind telling us a little about youself?

ROSE: I'm from St. Olaf, Minnesota. I grew up on a salt and vinegar potato chip farm....
(She continues telling about herself. Can't really think of anything to put down as far a dialogue is concerned. Gene then notices something funny.)

GENE: What are these?

(picks up a book of matches)

GENE: MATCHES???!!!!!

ROSE: I was going to strike them, aren't we supposed to?

GENE: Rose, you don't play our game by striking matches.

ROSE: Then why do they call it "MATCH" Game?

The audience laughs hysterically. Gene is applled by Rose's comment, and Brett looks at her with a "what is wrong with her?" look and shakes her head, but politely says nothing.

GENE: Have you ever actually watched our show before?

ROSE: I watch it every day.

GENE: If you do, you should know remotely how our game is played. Igiven each contestant two fill-in-the-blank questions, and the object is for the contestants to come up with the same answer, or MATCH as our stars over there. (points to panel tier)

ROSE: Oh! So you mean I "match" answers with them?

GENE: There you go!

ROSE: Like matching clothes when you get dressed?

GENE: Exactly!

BRETT: Something Charles doesn't know how to do right!

GENE: Not like "matches" you strike.

A match is heard striking very loudly. Turns out that it's Charles,lighting his ever-famous pipe.

GENE: Et tu, Charles?

(continued in the next post)

The madness starts to cool down and Gene is ready to start the game. I'm not trying to steal any ideas-- as you probably know, "The Brady Bunch Movie" and its sequel where 90% scenes taken directly from the show. Like these movies, I would like for this to be like a parody of the funniest MG eps. So far, I think it has!

GENE: (to Rose) Since you are the challenger, you get the first selection. Do you want "A" or "B"?

ROSE: "B" please.

GENE: "B" is is!
(reads question)
"Kojak said, (imitating Telly Salavas) `You won't believe this baby, but everytime I put on a wig, I look exactly like BLANK' "

(cue think music): http://www.georgeaugustkoch.com/Sounds/GameShowSounds/MatchGame/ThinkMain.mp3

The panel starts writing down their answers, and Gene goes over the question with vaious panel members. They make additional comments aswell. When everyone has finished, Gene turns to Rose to re-read the question.

GENE: "Kojak said, (imitating Telly Savalas) You won't believe this baby, but everytime I put on a wig, I look exactly like....' "

ROSE: Brett?

(Additions comments from Gene possibly other members of the panel, most definitely Brett!)

GENE: Johnny, did you come up with Brett?

JOHNNY: Why should I, she's sitting next to me!

(laughter from others)

JOHNNY: No really, I said, that everytime Kojak wears a wig, he looks like none other than... (with HUGE smile) "YOURS TRULY" (answer slip reads "Johnny Whitaker")
(buzzer sounds)

GENE: You wrote your own name?

JOHNNY: It's a good answer! Everybody's always talking about my hair!

CHARLES: He's Little Orphan Annie's long-lost brother!!!

Johnny starts laughing so hard he almost falls out of his seat! When he finally comes to his senses, Gene proceeds with the game.

BRETT: I WAS going to say Gina Lollabrigida, but then I realized that she's Italian and he's Greek, so I said "PAUL NEWMAN"
(buzzer sounds)

I'm sorry, Rose, but he's cute as a button!
(booing heard from audience)
Don't knock Paul Newman, honey!

CHARLES: There were so many answers, all I could say was that he looked like "HELL!"
(buzzer sounds)

Gene re-reads question.

ANN B.: I mean no offense to Telly Savalas, but I said he looks like "A WOMAN"!
(buzzer sounds)

RICHARD: When Telly pops on the old wig... he looks like "CHER". Here's a picture. (he holds a cartoon-like drawing of Cher's head)
(buzzer sounds)

GENE: Let's go over to Betty White

BETTY: I shamed him, "BRETT!"

GENE: Uh Oh!

Betty's answer scores a match. The green triangle lights up on he nameplate, and one in Rose's score-marker.

She slides her answer slip into Brett's trash bin

BRETT: This is one insult too many!
(to Betty)
MAY YOU LAST FACE LIFT FALL BACK, AND YOU END UP LOOKING LIKE A SHRIVELED-UP PRUNE!!!!!

BETTY: I have never had a face lift in my life!
MAY YOUR VOICE GET SO GRAVELLY, YOU COUGH UP AN ENTIRE GRANTIE QUARRY!

BRETT: MAY YOU GET YOUR BLOND HAIR DYE MIXED UP WITH YOUR PREPARATION-H, AND SHRINK YOUR HEAD TO THE SIZE OF A PEA!

BETTY: MAY YOUR MOLES GROW HAIR THICKER THAN JOHNNY'S!

JOHNNY OLSON: Johnny who?

BETTY: The one with red hair

JOHNNY: Hey! I would appreciate if you didn't bring me into your insult-swapping.

BETTY: I'm so sorry Johnny. You're too adorable to insult! I'm not sorry about the rest!

JOHNNY: What is with you two ladies? You're always at each other's throats!

GENE: They're just funning each other! They do it for laughs.

JOHNNY: And in case anyone is wondering, this is my real hair.

GENE: Oh by the way, do you have a girlfriend Johnny?

JOHNNY: Not at the moment

(Brett hands him a note, written on an answer card)

GENE: WHAT DOES THAT SAY???!!!!!

JOHNNY (reading card): For a good time, meet me after the show in Encino! Kiss kiss, love love, Brett!

CHARLES (to Brett): Jack's gonna getcha for this, you cradle-robber!

(Gene laughs, along with panelists and the audience)

GENE: All those beautiful people, and one "Brett" there.

BRETT (to Gene): You better watch it!

(continued in next post)

Now it's Kim's (Rose's opponent) turn for her question. Gene draws the other question card:

GENE: The doctor said to Madge, YOU HAVE THE WORST CASE OF CROW'S FEET I HAVE EVER SEEN! Your crow's feet have BLANK.

(Cue think music): http://www.georgeaugustkoch.com/Sounds/GameShowSounds/MatchGame/ChangingKeys.mp3

(Gene rereads the question)

BRETT: No, Betty White has the worst case of crow's feet!

BETTY: I do not!

BRETT: I'm only kidding Betty!

BETTY: Yeah, right

JOHNNY: Are you two at it again?

ANN B: Let's hope not!

(Gene reads the question again to Kim)

KIM: Corns

(mixed reaction of applause and boos from audience)

GENE: You don't like that answer, what would you say?

Several audience members cry out "Athlete's Foot"

GENE: That's better!

ANN B: Have what?

JOHNNY: What did they say?

GENE: ATHLETE'S FOOT!!!!!

JOHNNY: Whoa!

GENE: Bad, huh?

JOHNNY: I just said her crow's feet have crow's feet!
(buzzer sounds)

GENE: Wasn't that a good one?

BRETT: Wasn't that clever?

GENE: Her crow's feet have crow's feet!

BRETT: I said her crow's feet have crow's feet!
(buzzer sounds)

CHARLES: Crow's feet have crow's feet!
(buzzer sounds)

ANN B: I believe I have the definitive answer, Athlete's Foot!
(buzzer sounds)

RICHARD: All together now, Athlete's Feet
(buzzer sounds)

GENE: Do you have athlete's foot, like the rest of the bottom tier?

BETTY: I sure hope not!
(laughter from audience)
But can I move up there? Crow's feet have crow's feet.
(buzzer sounds)

Score is now 0-1, Rose

(continued in next post)

Rose's second question:

GENE: "Last week, Dumb Dora came down with a stomach bug. To make matters worse, she tried to use BLANK to cure it!"
(cue think music): http://www.georgeaugustkoch.com/Sounds/GameShowSounds/MatchGame/SynthVamp.mp3

The process repeats. When everyone has finished writing their responses, Gene re-reads the question to Rose, and she gives her answer."

ROSE: "Bug Spray"

Her answer matches all five of the remaining celebs in some form or another, giving her six matches. Her opponent only has three. When the opponent is given her question, she fails to match the one celebrity required for her to stay in the game, and Rose wins!

GENE: Congratulations Rose, you're our new champion! Come on over with me!

He takes Rose over and bids her opponent goodbye, who is absolutely furious! She complains, yells, and screams about her defeat and Rose's victory as the turntable takes her off and brings around Super Match.

GENE: Time to play the big-money Super Match, where you can win over FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!... ....We polled a recent studio-audience, and got their response to this....

BETTY_______

Now the most often given response is worth $500 (lights up), the second most-often given response is worth $250 (lights up), and the third most-often given response will give you $100 (lights up).

Gene truns to panel tier, noticing that Richard has walked off.

GENE: Where is Richard?

CHARLES: He's in the bathroom!

GENE: He coudn't have picked a worse time to...

CHARLES: Richard is on a mild diuretic, and therefore, is prone to these unfortunate little emergencies!

BRETT: When he comes back, don't jump all over him!

GENE: Well, it looks like Richard wont be with us this time. Anyway, three of our other stars will be of some assitance.

ROSE: Betty....

BETTY: Your looking at her, "Betty WHITE"!

GENE: Who else?

Being as dumb as she is, Rose calls her next celeb. by the name of a character he played, like a child who can't tell the difference between an actor and a TV character.

ROSE: Jody...

(she gets laughed at again!)

GENE: There's nobody on our panel named Jody. Who do wish to have assist you?

ROSE: (pointing to Johnny) He's Jody!

JOHNNY: No I'm not, my name is Johnny!

ROSE: Why did they call you Jody on "Family Affair"?

JOHNNY: I think you're a little confused. Jody, was a fictional character, and Johnny is my real name.

(Brett coughs three times)

See there?
(he points to the panelist id with the circle and triangle)

CHARLES: If she called you "Tom Sawyer", we'd REALLY be getting worried!

BRETT: Be easy on her, sweetheart! She's from St. Olaf!

JOHNNY: I've never been to St. Olaf, but I sure have heard a lot about it!

BRETT: That goes for both of you!

GENE: Let's get back to business, shall we? Johnny, what is your answer to "Betty BLANK"

JOHNNY: I WAS thinking of "Betty White", but that one was taken.

BRETT: By Betty herself!

JOHNNY: How about "Betty BOOP".

GENE: "Betty BOOP", there's another one.

ROSE: Ann...

ANN B.: Oh Thank God! I was afriad you were going to call me "Alice"!

JOHNNY: I just explained that to her.

ANN B.: Let me see...
(thinks for a minute)
"Bette DAVIS"

GENE: "BETTE DAVIS" Okay Rose, you have "Betty White", "Betty Boop", and "Bette Davis". Select one of these, or you may come up with your own answer.

ROSE: I'll have to go with "Betty White".

GENE: Let's see if it's up there... slide it, Earl!

BETTY_____

$500:
$250: BOOP
$100: DAVIS

GENE: Now, may be see the $500 response....

(Richard is now back from the restroom, and announces his arrival with a bang.)

RICHARD: SURVEY SAAAAAAIIIIIIDDDD!!!!!

BETTY____

$500: WHITE
$250: BOOP
$100: DAVIS

GENE: My goodness! That was a boisterous return on Richard's part.

JOHNNY: One things for sure. Richard Dawson is no Mr. French!

(more laughter)

RICHARD: (arm around Betty) She deserves that announcement! Betty's a class act, worth every penny!

GENE: Okay Rose, you've won $500, which means you'll play for ten times that amount, or $5,000. (amount lights up on neon sign above door) To collect the $5,000, you must select one of our celebrities, and match that star Head-to-Head. Which celebrity do you pick?

ROSE: Betty...

BRETT: I knew it!

(Gene reads the phrase)
GENE: BLANK and Maid Marian

(cue think music): http://www.georgeaugustkoch.com/Sounds/GameShowSounds/MatchGame/SuperMatch2.mp3

Betty writes her answer down, shakes her head, and throws away her answer slip. She starts over again. When Betty finishes, Gene asks Rose for her response.

ROSE: Little Red Riding Hood and Maid Marian

Gene loses cotrol of himself, starts laughing uncontrollably, and runs around the set trying to come to his senses. The audience and panel are in hysterics, too. Brett is laughing so hard she almost lands in the floor! Johnny bangs his fists on the table as he is laughing too.

GENE (to whoever is behind the contestants' turntable): WHERE DO YOU GET THESE PEOPLE??!!!

Gene finally make his way to the panel tier, as he tries to contain himself. Ann B. Davis stands up for a second as he does so, obviously trying to contain herself! Gene then runs to the Super Match board

GENE (banging on the SM board): RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!

BRETT: I quit!

GENE: Now wait a minute. In the first place, Maid Marian is ROBIN Hood's love interest, not Little Red Riding Hood. I'm not sure how familiar you are with the story. In fact, Johnny's brother Billy and sister Dora did voices for Disney's upcoming cartoon feature Robin Hood. Not sure when it's coming out yet...

JOHNNY: It may in theaters as of this show's airdate.

GENE: Thanks for the information, Johnny.
(He chuckles, trying to contain himself)

ANN B: Maybe she misunderstood the question

GENE: No, I let her read the words. So, Betty White, by any chance, did you say...
(laugther from audience and panel)
NOW WAIT A MINUTE, she could say it! It's possible she's got that on that card. "Little Red Riding Hood and Maid Marian".

BETTY: If I do, can I come back again?

GENE: Yes!

BRETT: No, no!

GENE: Little Red Riding Hood and Maid Marian

BETTY: I did write Robin Hood to start with, but I threw it away.

BRETT: I tried to get her to keep that answer!

BETTY: So I said, "Little Red Riding Hood"!

Betty's answer matches, and Rose wins the $5,000!

Rose walks over to Betty, and she congratualtes her. We get a really cool double exposure camera shot with Rose Nylund & Betty White in the same picture!

BRETT: Oh my God! The world is coming to an end!

GENE: Now ladies, do you for some reason happen to have ESP flowing between you?!
(Gene laughs, while still trying to contain himself)
I will NEVER forget this AS LONG I LIVE!!!!!!


From here, we go back to present-day Miami, as Rose has finished telling about her experience as a Match game contestant many years ago!:

SOPHIA: That was quite a story!

DOROTHY: Rose, why didn't you tell us about this before?

ROSE: For one thing, I never really thought about it. Also, I didn't think any of you would believe me!

BLANCHE: We'd believe you. You never needed to worry about that, despite some of the comments you've made over the years!

ROSE: I would give ANYTHING to see those shows again!!!

If anyone has any ideas, suggestions, or questions that can be used in this sketch, please post. Unfortunately, the chances of a "Golden Girls" reunion are null and void, (since none of the actresses are still around, except for Betty White), so this sketch could be used in a "Saturday Night Live"-type setting.

I hope everybody enjoyed my Match Game parody! I'm sure we all enjoy it! :)