Frank Gannucci
03-14-2012, 09:50 AM
(A Honeymooners St. Patty’s Day):
(Ralph & Ed meet for lunch at Ed’s manhole.)
Ralph: “Hey Norton!”
Ed: “What?”
Ralph: “I have been meaning to tell you this. Saturday night, the night of St. Patty’s Day that is, there is going to be a NBA basketball game between my two favorite basketball teams, the Knicks and Nets. During halftime, there is going to be a $1,000,000 half shot contest in which if a person makes the shot, they win a million dollars. It is sponsored by…I can’t remember the sponsor’s name. Guess who is selected?”
Ed: “Who?”
Ralph: “I will give you a hint. He is sitting in this area now.”
Ed: “No kidding? Me. I am selected. I could never dream about it. I’m so young. There must be so other individuals…”
Ralph: “Oh shut up. It’s me you dope.”
Ed: “Oh.”
Ralph: “Just think. Alice’s mom says I will never amount to anything. I will show her. I am dying to know who the sponsor is. Would it be funny if they got a sponsor like The Jackie Gleason Theater.”
(Audience cheers.)
Ed: “I hope you win Ralph. You’re a sweeet kid. On St. Patty’s Day, you will get your gold. You already got the pot.”
Ralph: “Ooooh, you are going to get it Norton.”
(Saturday night at MSG. The Kramdens and Nortons are seated together.)
Trixie: “Listen Ralph, I hope you win the $1,000,000.”
Ralph: “I will. I am an expert basketball player. I could have been my generation’s Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade & LeBron James all rolled up into one.”
(Audience cheers.)
Alice: “It looks like you already are all of them rolled up into one.”
Ed: “Hahahahahaha.”
Ralph: “You are dying to go to Mars. Aren’t you Alice?”
(Alice’s sister Agnes comes by.)
Alice’s Mom: “Hello.”
Ralph: “I suppose you heard the news about me making the $1,000,000 shot.”
Agnes: “I did. I don’t want to see the expression on your face if you MISS it.”
(Time for halftime.)
Man (into the mike): “It’s time for the $1,000,000 half court basketball throw. It is the brainchild of Sammy Spear’s son’s company called The Hong Kong Gardens.”
(Audience cheers.)
Man (into the mike): “We have our contestant right here. His name is Mr. Ralph Kramden from Brooklyn, NY. He is probably going to get his pot of gold.”
(Ralph enters onto the court.)
Man (into the mike): “What is it you do for a living?”
Ralph (into the mike): “I brive a dus.”
Man (into the mike): “You brive a dus.”
Ralph (into the mike): “A dus I brive.”
Man (into the mike): “Oh, you mean you drive a bus. I respect you people expect for one incident that happened to me. It was raining out. I was at a bus stop. I waved for a bus. The bus came by me but instead of stopping, drove through a puddle and got me soaked.”
Ralph (into the mike): “Was that you?”
Man (into the mike): “Anyway, time for the shot.”
(Ralph throws the ball and it goes in. Audience cheers loudly.)
Ralph (yells into the mike): “HOW SWEET IT IS! MY SHIP HAS COME IN! LOOK AT THE LOOK ON MY MOTHER-IN-LAW’S FACE!”
(Ralph gets presented with the $1,000,000 check from the Hong Kong Gardens with the Nortons and Alice’s parents.)
Ralph (into the microphone): “I would like to thank my wife, my friends, my family, all the people in Miami Beach etc.”
(Audience cheers.)
(Alice’s Mother-In-Law comes by.)
Alice’s Mom: “Hiya Sonny Boy.”
Man (into the mike): “Who are you?”
Alice’s Mom (into the mike): “My name is Mrs. Gibson. How ironic that my son-in-law got a million dollar check for a company that I work for.”
Man (into the mike): “Oh, he does. That means that he was not eligible for the shot and as a result, we have to give away the money.”
(Ralph is steaming mad as well as the Nortons, Alice and Agnes.)
Ralph (yells into the mike): “YOU ARE A BLABBERMOUTH. A BLAB-BER-MOUTH! YOU! BLABBERMOUTH!”
(Ralph chases Alice’s Mom around while everyone tries to make peace.)
(Jackie Gleason walks on stage.)
Jackie: “Ladies and gentlemen, let me say that I wish you all a Happy St. Patty’s Day and as always the Miami Beach audiences are the best.”
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: “I know that Sammy is happy that the writers wrote his name in the script. I saw you. You were grinning ear-to-ear. Time to introduce the cast. First: Jean Kean."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Art Carney."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: “Good night.”
(Audience cheers.)
(Ralph & Ed meet for lunch at Ed’s manhole.)
Ralph: “Hey Norton!”
Ed: “What?”
Ralph: “I have been meaning to tell you this. Saturday night, the night of St. Patty’s Day that is, there is going to be a NBA basketball game between my two favorite basketball teams, the Knicks and Nets. During halftime, there is going to be a $1,000,000 half shot contest in which if a person makes the shot, they win a million dollars. It is sponsored by…I can’t remember the sponsor’s name. Guess who is selected?”
Ed: “Who?”
Ralph: “I will give you a hint. He is sitting in this area now.”
Ed: “No kidding? Me. I am selected. I could never dream about it. I’m so young. There must be so other individuals…”
Ralph: “Oh shut up. It’s me you dope.”
Ed: “Oh.”
Ralph: “Just think. Alice’s mom says I will never amount to anything. I will show her. I am dying to know who the sponsor is. Would it be funny if they got a sponsor like The Jackie Gleason Theater.”
(Audience cheers.)
Ed: “I hope you win Ralph. You’re a sweeet kid. On St. Patty’s Day, you will get your gold. You already got the pot.”
Ralph: “Ooooh, you are going to get it Norton.”
(Saturday night at MSG. The Kramdens and Nortons are seated together.)
Trixie: “Listen Ralph, I hope you win the $1,000,000.”
Ralph: “I will. I am an expert basketball player. I could have been my generation’s Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade & LeBron James all rolled up into one.”
(Audience cheers.)
Alice: “It looks like you already are all of them rolled up into one.”
Ed: “Hahahahahaha.”
Ralph: “You are dying to go to Mars. Aren’t you Alice?”
(Alice’s sister Agnes comes by.)
Alice’s Mom: “Hello.”
Ralph: “I suppose you heard the news about me making the $1,000,000 shot.”
Agnes: “I did. I don’t want to see the expression on your face if you MISS it.”
(Time for halftime.)
Man (into the mike): “It’s time for the $1,000,000 half court basketball throw. It is the brainchild of Sammy Spear’s son’s company called The Hong Kong Gardens.”
(Audience cheers.)
Man (into the mike): “We have our contestant right here. His name is Mr. Ralph Kramden from Brooklyn, NY. He is probably going to get his pot of gold.”
(Ralph enters onto the court.)
Man (into the mike): “What is it you do for a living?”
Ralph (into the mike): “I brive a dus.”
Man (into the mike): “You brive a dus.”
Ralph (into the mike): “A dus I brive.”
Man (into the mike): “Oh, you mean you drive a bus. I respect you people expect for one incident that happened to me. It was raining out. I was at a bus stop. I waved for a bus. The bus came by me but instead of stopping, drove through a puddle and got me soaked.”
Ralph (into the mike): “Was that you?”
Man (into the mike): “Anyway, time for the shot.”
(Ralph throws the ball and it goes in. Audience cheers loudly.)
Ralph (yells into the mike): “HOW SWEET IT IS! MY SHIP HAS COME IN! LOOK AT THE LOOK ON MY MOTHER-IN-LAW’S FACE!”
(Ralph gets presented with the $1,000,000 check from the Hong Kong Gardens with the Nortons and Alice’s parents.)
Ralph (into the microphone): “I would like to thank my wife, my friends, my family, all the people in Miami Beach etc.”
(Audience cheers.)
(Alice’s Mother-In-Law comes by.)
Alice’s Mom: “Hiya Sonny Boy.”
Man (into the mike): “Who are you?”
Alice’s Mom (into the mike): “My name is Mrs. Gibson. How ironic that my son-in-law got a million dollar check for a company that I work for.”
Man (into the mike): “Oh, he does. That means that he was not eligible for the shot and as a result, we have to give away the money.”
(Ralph is steaming mad as well as the Nortons, Alice and Agnes.)
Ralph (yells into the mike): “YOU ARE A BLABBERMOUTH. A BLAB-BER-MOUTH! YOU! BLABBERMOUTH!”
(Ralph chases Alice’s Mom around while everyone tries to make peace.)
(Jackie Gleason walks on stage.)
Jackie: “Ladies and gentlemen, let me say that I wish you all a Happy St. Patty’s Day and as always the Miami Beach audiences are the best.”
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: “I know that Sammy is happy that the writers wrote his name in the script. I saw you. You were grinning ear-to-ear. Time to introduce the cast. First: Jean Kean."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Art Carney."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: “Good night.”
(Audience cheers.)