Frank Gannucci
12-25-2011, 04:47 PM
Even though ti was reported on this site the episodes that are going to air during the marathon, I thought I would post the summaries. I hope that no one minds.
Honeymooners TV Schedule (12/24-1/3):
(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:
(Note: The Honeymooners is not available in HD. So WPIX puts a black picture frame around the show on it's HD feed.)
Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.
Sat. Dec. 31, 2011 11p #001 (aka #109) - "TV or Not TV": Ralph and Norton go partners on a new TV, but Ralph rigs a coin toss so the set stays in the Kramden apartment. It's not long before Ralph becomes a total zombie to the new medium, and all Norton wants to do is don his space helmet and watch "Captain Video."
11:30p #002 (aka #110) - "Funny Money": Ralph finds a suitcase filled with money, enough, Norton says, to "keep him in pizza for the rest of his life." There's one slight problem: the money is counterfeit, and the gangsters who printed it want it back. Alice's Mother: Ethel Owen. Boss: Boris Aplon. Ziggy: Frank Marth.
Sun. Jan. 1, 2012 12a #003 (aka #111) - "The Golfer": Hello, ball! That memorable salutation---delivered by Norton (Art Carney) as he shows the proper way to "address the ball"---has made "The Golfer" (first aired on Oct. 15, 1955) a favorite in the series canon. Ralph's trying to impress his boss by offering to join him in a foursome. Problem is, Ralph's never picked up a club in his life and learning to play in two days, he concedes, won't be easy---"It'd take me at least a week." That doesn't stop him from turning his kitchen into a fairway, using a pin cushion as a ball and, unforgettably, getting into the mood by donning an outlandish golfing outfit that is, to quote Norton, "dee-vine." DON'T MISS – Ed addressing the ball.
12:30a #004 (aka #112) - "A Woman's Work Is Never Done": Tired of Ralph's complaints about household chores not being done, Alice convinces him to hire a maid. But the new domestic is rapidly getting fed up taking orders from Norton and Ralph, or as she calls them, "the simp and the blimp." Thelma: Betty Garde. Wilson: Frank Marth.
1a #005(aka #113) - "A Matter of Life & Death": Ralph gets the idea in his head that he has six months to live, so he decides to sell his story to a magazine. But when he learns it's all a mistake and that he can be prosecuted for fraud, he enlists Norton to pose as a doctor ("don't touch me, I'm sterile") who can cure him of the dreaded "arterial monochromia." Publisher: George Petrie.
1:30a #006 (aka #114) - "The Sleepwalker": Norton's sleepwalking becomes a waking nightmare for Ralph, who can't get any sleep because he's been asked to keep his pal from wandering off on late-night strolls around the neighborhood. Doctor: George Petrie.
2a #007 (aka #115) - "Better Living Through TV": In a classic episode, Ralph and Norton go on live TV in an attempt to sell the Handy Housewife Helper. The inspired (and ad-lib laden) "Better Living Through TV" (originally telecast Nov. 12, 1955) finds Ralph talking Norton into buying TV time so the two of them can go on the air and sell 2000 of the kitchen gadgets. The idea is for "Chef of the Future" Ralph to demonstrate to "Chef of the Past" Norton the many things the gizmo can do, such as open cans, remove corns and, of course, "core a apple." In the rehearsal, Ralph is the picture of calm, but as they prepare to go on the air, panic sets in and he warns a worrisome Ed: "Stop talking like that, nervous, you're going to get yourself all Norton." CLASSIC QUOTE - "Can it core a apple?"
2:30a #008 (aka #116) - "Pal O' Mine": A great friendship is strained after a ring t hat Norton had planned to give a co-worker winds up stuck on Ralph's finger. The episode concludes with a classic hospital scene that contains a memorable one-word ad-lib by Norton, who's saying good-bye to a doctor. Teddy Oberman: Ned Glass. Doctor: John Seymour. Nurse: Abbie Lewis.
3a #009 (aka #117) - "Brother Ralph": A layoff at the bus company prompts Ralph and Alice to add up their total savings from all of their accounts ($12.83). That's reason enough for Alice to get a job, leaving Ralph to take care of the cooking and cleaning. But Ralph becomes really steamed after he discovers that her boss looks like a matinee idol---and that Alice told him that Ralph is her brother.
3:30a #010 (aka #118) - "Hello Mom": Ralph and Alice Kramden (Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows) squabble over the impending arrival of Ralph's mother-in-law in this classic, and ultimately touching, episode. The king is told that his castle is soon to be invaded by Alice's mom. Ralph painfully remembers how his mother-in-law said at his wedding, "I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining a ton," and refuses to let her visit. But when Alice stands up to him and insists her mother's coming, Ralph decides to move in with the Nortons until the visit's over. Humor and poignancy meet in a conclusion that once again shows Alice, who sees beyond Ralph's insecurities, to be the bigger person.
4a #011 (aka #119) - "The Deciding Vote": Ralph's in a tight two-man election for the position of Raccoon convention manager and the deciding vote belongs to Norton. The episode contains a classic sight gag involving Ralph trying to clean a vacuum cleaner after it has failed "the oatmeal test."
4:30a #012 (aka #120) - "Something Fishy": "I catch the fish," Ralph tells Alice, "you cook the fish. The only time we're together is when we eat the fish." Alice, however, has other ideas about Ralph and his lodge brothers worming their way out of taking the wives on the annual fishing trip. Ralph and Norton are desperate, so they angle for a way to leave Alice and Trixie behind.
5a #014 (aka #122) - "The Man From Space": Intending to take home first prize at the Raccoon Lodge's costume ball, Ralph---unable to wangle a loan from Norton---puts together his own costume and dubs himself "The Man From Space" in a memorable episode that was originally telecast Dec. 31, 1955. Angry with Norton (who's going as the Frenchman who "built the sewers of Paris") and obsessed with winning, Ralph appropriates an assortment of household items---including a faucet, a pot, a radio tube and the icebox door---to create a costume that will, he says, make Norton's rented outfit look like "a piece of French cheesecloth." The episode contains a classic example of Jackie Gleason's gift for ad-libbing when, unexpectedly; a piece of Ralph's costume falls off. "Let me have that," he improvises to Alice. "That's my denaturizer."
5:30a #015 (aka #123) - "A Matter of Record": In "A Matter of Record" (originally telecast Jan. 7, 1956), Ralph surprises Alice with tickets to a hit Broadway mystery, but with her mother coming "all the way from Bensonhurst" for a visit, she won't go. " Where's Bensonhurst, in New Zealand or something?" Ralph snaps back, upset that Alice is forsaking him for a visit from his nemesis. "She won't be in this apartment three minutes before she starts an argument," Ralph says. With that, Alice's mother arrives and Ralph proceeds to set an alarm clock for three minutes. Sure enough, she quickly insults Ralph about his weight, chides Alice for not marrying "a good provider" and, as the final straw, spills the beans about the ending of the play. Just as the alarm clock rings, Ralph erupts ("You are a blabbermouth!") and throws his mother-in-law out. But Alice leaves with her, prompting Ralph to take Norton's suggestion and record an apology to Alice in hopes of winning her forgiveness.
6a #016 (aka #124) - "Oh My Aching Back": After telling Alice he was too tired to leave the apartment, Ralph---on the eve of his company physical---goes bowling, throws his back out and comes home hunched over, and looking, Norton says, like "the leaning tower of pizza."
6:30a #017 (aka #125) - "The Baby-sitter": Ralph signals his displeasure when he learns that Alice had a telephone installed in the apartment. Then later, when he calms down, he overhears a telephone conversation and thinks that she is having an affair.
7a #018 (aka #126) - "The $99,000 Answer": Ralph Kramden's get-rich-quick schemes were a Honeymooners staple, but the pipe dream in "The $99,000 Answer"---which originally aired Jan. 28, 1956---may be the funniest. Convinced that he'll triumph on a quiz show, popular-music expert Ralph (Jackie Gleason) intensely prepares at home, aided by piano-playing pal Norton (Art Carney), who warms up for each song with a few bars of a familiar Stephen Foster melody. Of course, the second he's on live TV, Ralph's bravado vanishes. Going into the classic Kramden meltdown---the eyes bugging, the lips quivering, the tongue stuttering "hummina-hummina"---he's asked, for his first question, to identify the composer of "Swanee River." DON'T MISS - - Norton's introduction to every song on the piano.
7:30a #019 (aka #127) - "Ralph Kramden Inc.": Ralph needs a loan from Norton, so he sells him a share of his future earnings as a corporation---Ralph Kramden, Inc. It's another con job by Ralph, of course, until he learns that an old woman with a $40 million estate died and left him in her will. That's enough for Norton, as an officer in the corporation, to remind Ralph about one "small detail"---that they need to bring a suitcase to the reading of the will to carry home the $40 million.
8a #020 (aka #128) - "Young At Heart": Ralph wants to prove to Alice that he's still young at heart by learning dances like the Big Apple and the Suzie Q., which prompts Norton to ask: "How can anyone so round be so square?" But he's still determined, so the Kramdens and the Nortons decide to make a night of it by going roller-skating. Ralph on wheels at the rink makes for one of the series' classic scenes. Another has Norton teaching Ralph how to do the Hucklebuck.
8:30a #021 (aka #129) - "A Dog's Life": Ralph gets another one of his half-baked ideas after he samples a tasty dish he found in his ice box in "A Dog's Life," which was originally telecast Feb. 18, 1956. Convinced that the unusual cracker-spread will satisfy the public's appetite for a snack that's new and different, Ralph asks his boss, Mr. Marshall, to taste the dish in the hope that he'll bankroll production. Ralph's even cooked up a name for the culinary delight: "KramMar's Delicious Mystery Appetizer." Marshall tries it and likes it, and asks Ralph if the recipe is exclusively his wife's or if Alice's mother helped out. "Anything she'd cook I wouldn't give to a dog," Ralph replies. But Marshall wants some other opinions, so he calls in his assistants for another taste test. After two of the assistants reveal the food to be dog food, Ralph is convinced that Alice got a dog and tries to put it back in the pound...only to fall in love with it and take possession of the other dogs who were over their respective limits and were going to be killed.
9a #022 (aka #130) - "Here Comes The Bride": On the eve of his lodge brother Stanley's marriage to Alice's sister, Ralph---the self-proclaimed "king of [his] castle"---gives his future brother-in-law marital advice. Furious that Stanley has agreed to live with Alice's parents, Ralph instructs him to put his foot down. "I don't want to argue," he tells Ralph, prompting Norton to reply: "If you don't want to argue, what are you getting married for?"
9:30a #023 (aka #131) - "Mama Loves Mambo": A dance teacher moves into the building and has all the husbands kicking up a fuss. Ralph and Norton had the idea that Carlos Sanchez was an old man who might like to relax with a game of checkers. He's not---bachelor Carlos is suave and handsome, and worse, is giving their wives mambo lessons in the Kramdens' apartment. Sanchez: Charles Korvin.
10a #024 (aka #132) - "Please Leave The Premises": Ralph refuses to pay a rent increase of $5 a month and, to avoid eviction, barricades himself, Alice and Norton in the apartment. Its war, says Ralph, and he's the general of their army. But after a few days without heat, and the food supply reduced to only celery, General Kramden hatches a plan to get fresh grub from the neighborhood delicatessen. Mr. Johnson: Luis Van Rooten.
10:30a #025 (aka #133) - "House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"): Alice accepts a department store's offer to redecorate their apartment for free. She wants to surprise Ralph, so she arranges to secretly meet with the decorator---who then makes the mistake of leaving one of his gloves in the flat. When Ralph finds the glove, he suspects Alice of having an affair. Andre: Alexander Clark.
11a #026 (aka #134) - "Young Man With A Horn": The discovery of his old cornet and an unexpected visit by a self-made millionaire prompt Ralph to wonder why he hasn't achieved more success and hit the "high note" in his life. As a result, he decides to make a list of his good points and do something to correct his bad ones.
11:30a #027 (aka #135) - “Ralph’s Big Mouth” (aka "Head of The House"): In the hilarious "Head of the House" (originally telecast March 31, 1956), Ralph marks his "emancipation" as king of his castle by sitting down with Norton to finish a bottle of wine that is "a little strong but good." Their first toast, Ralph says, is "to my wife, who has finally found her place." Actually, what Alice found was a bottle of grape juice, which she substituted for the wine. When the men get plastered and pass out, Trixie and Alice pour their own drinks and make their own toasts. "I give you our husbands," says Trixie. "You can have 'em," says Alice. The wine-and-grape-juice scene, Art Carney recalled, was one of his favorites. "We really were laughing at each other...because we were supposed to be laughing...crocked and everything. Funny scene."
12p #028 (aka #136) - "The Worry Wart": Ralph's nerves are taxed when he gets a letter requesting his presence at the IRS office. Alice tries to calm him by reminding him that many people have their returns reviewed. "You're darn right," Norton agrees. "The jails are full of them." Norton, in fact, is helping Ralph review the business deductions he made on his returns and then lends his buddy moral support by accompanying him to the IRS office.
12:30p #029 (aka #137) - "Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"): While leaving the pool hall, Ralph witnesses a bank robbery and takes a bullet through his hat. That's reason enough for him to believe that the thugs will come gunning for him, so Norton tells his on-edge pal to just relax and watch some TV. "What's playing tonight?" Ralph asks. Norton's reply: "Dead Men Tell No Tales." Bibbo: Frank Marth. Danny: George Petrie.
1p #030 (aka #138) - "The Loudspeaker": Ralph thinks he'll be named Raccoon of the Year,so he begins writing his acceptance speech (if he could only get rid of his hiccups). It's a very distinctive honor, he reminds the skeptical Alice, because it entitles the two of them to "free burial privileges in the Raccoons' national cemetery in Bismarck, North Dakota."
1:30p #031 (aka #139) - "On Stage": "Polo ponies." "On Stage" (originally telecast April 28, 1956) actually began, says co-writer Leonard Stern, "with that one word...and we built a whole sketch around it." And it's that single word---pronounced by Norton (Art Carney) to rhyme with monopolies---that has almost single-handedly made this a favorite among Honeymooners fans. The episode begins with Ralph getting a juicy part in a play being mounted by the Raccoon Lodge's Women's Auxiliary. Suddenly Ralph is strutting around like the Barrymore of Bensonhurst and entertaining dreams that a Hollywood producer in the audience will offer him a contract. But before the actual performance, there's a rehearsal with Norton---and that word---to contend with.
2p #032 (aka #140) - "Dial J For Janitor": Ralph can't seem to pipe down about the failures of his building's janitor. Then he finds out that the position pays $150 a month with free rent---and decides to take the job himself. Now the most gripes are coming from Norton, who says he hasn't had water in his apartment for so long that he's beginning to "see mirages." Mr. Johnson: Luis Van Rooten. Mrs. Manicotti: Zamah Cunningham.
2:30p #033 (aka #141) - "Opportunity Knocks, But": When Mr. Marshall asks him for a lesson in shooting pool, Ralph believes that his social visit to his boss's Park Avenue home is the cue for his finally advancing in the company. But it's Norton who racks up points in "Opportunity Knocks But," which originally aired May 5, 1956. The pool lesson just gets under way when Norton---not Ralph---starts offering suggestions about making improvements at the company. Impressed, Marshall offers him a job as "Bus Driver Supervisor." Marshall says he likes a man who can think on his feet, but as an enraged Ralph later tells Alice: "Norton works in the sewer. He has to think on his feet; if he sat down he'd drown." But Norton, who's thinking of accepting the offer, tells his buddy not to worry. "As long as I am an executive at that bus company," he tells Ralph, "you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live."
3p #034 (aka #142) - "A Man's Pride": Ralph is too proud to tell a seemingly successful old friend that he drives a bus, so he says he "runs things" at the company in the last Honeymooners episode of the "classic 39," which originally ran from 1955 to '56. CLASSIC KRAMDEN- Ralph's reaction to the dinner check.
3:30p #035 (aka #143) - "Unconventional Behavior": Ralph and Norton become joined at the wrists when Norton tries out his "trick handcuffs" in "Unconventional Behavior," which originally aired May 12, 1956. Aboard a train en route to the lodge's convention in Minneapolis, the guys look forward to "five days of hilarity" and try out some of the novelty items that Norton's brought along. But when Norton's handcuffs won't unlock (there is no key), he and Ralph become closer than they'd like. This scenario yields some memorable physical humor, including Norton trying to take his coat off and the guys trying to figure out some way to sleep in upper and lower berths. It also provides one of the series' all-time lines. "Mind if I smoke?" Norton asks a frustrated Ralph. "I don't care if you burn," Ralph fires back.
4p #036 (aka #144) - "The Bensonhurst Bomber": An argument in the pool hall and a joke about a man's name figure in "The Bensonhurst Bomber," which originally aired Sept. 8, 1956. Of all the guest characters on The Honeymooners, few names are more recognizable to fans than "Harvey," or, as Ralph pronounces it, "Har-vee!" In fact, it's that exaggerated pronunciation that gets Ralph in hot water when the towering bully Harvey challenges Ralph to a fight at Kelsey's Gym. As the showdown approaches, a nervous Ralph believes a wiser plan might be to leave town, but Norton insists he has to fight Harvey, especially since they're closing the pool hall in Ralph's honor. "If I fight that Harvey," Ralph replies, "they'll be closing it in my memory."
4:30p #037 (aka #145) - "The Safety Award": Ralph is honored with an award for being "the safest bus driver in the city" and plans to take Alice and the Nortons to the ceremony at City Hall. But his big day is plagued with problems, culminating with Ralph having an accident in his friend's car. Ever the optimist, Norton offers a distressed Ralph some sewer-worker words of wisdom: "When the tides of life turn against you, and the current upsets your boat, don't waste those tears on what might have been, just lay on your back and float." Mr. Martin: Frank Marth.
5p #038 (aka #146) - "Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"): Norton gets fired from his job in the sewer after taking Ralph's advice about demanding a promotion. Finding something new won't be easy, Norton says, because, after all, a sewer worker is like a brain surgeon---"we're both s pecialists." Still, after a couple of weeks, he finds work selling irons door-to-door. And when he tells his pal that he made $40 his first day on the job, Ralph suddenly contemplates leaving the bus company to become a salesman with Norton's company.
5:30p #039 (aka #147) - "Alice & The Blonde": Audrey Meadows said that she "loved" the episode titled "Alice and the Blonde" (originally telecast June 2, 1956), and it's easy to see why. For once, it's Alice who's fuming. It's all because of what happens at the home of one of Ralph's co-workers. Trying to ingratiate himself with Bert Weedemeyer (who Ralph thinks may become the bus company's new general manager), Ralph---with Norton by his side, naturally-heaps compliments on the man's wife, a ditsy platinum blonde who calls her husband "Twinkles." Ralph's fawning and flattery isn't amusing Alice, who'll have her revenge. Rita Weedemeyer: Freda Rosen. Bert: Frank Behrens.
(WCIUDT3) (MeTV in Chicago [aka WMEU]
All episodes are in CC.
Central time.
Mon. Dec. 26, 2011 #013 (aka #121) - "'Twas The Night Before XMas": The Kramdens exchange presents in a Christmas episode with an O. Henry twist. Ralphis particularly proud of the gift he has for Alice: a hairpin box made of 2000 matchsticks that, he's been told, was smuggled from the palace of the Emperor ofJapan. DON'T MISS - This classic retelling of "The Gift of the Magi."
Mon. Jan. 2, 2012 1a #61 (aka #152/#33) – “‘Goodnight Sweet Prince’/‘Jellybeans’”: (For “Goodnight Sweet Prince”): When Ralph gets night shift duty he finds it impossible to sleep during the day. Everyone in the neighborhood gives him advice on sleeping, which only makes Ralph more nervous and irritable. (For “Jellybeans”): Ralph loses Alice's dress money
when he schemes to win a jellybean contest.
(WGCU) & (WGCUDT [aka WGCU HD])(Southwest Florida PBS station.)
Pioneers of TV:
One hour
TV-G
All times are Eastern.
Tue. Jan. 3 7p & Wed. Jan. 4, 2012 12a (CC) Joyce Randolph provides insight into Jackie Gleason; Marlo Thomas reminisces about herfather, Danny; Andy Griffith on what made his show work; Mary Tyler Moore and Dick Van Dyke recount their work together.
(WLIW), (WLIWDT) [aka WLIW HD) [Long Island, NY PBS station], (WNJN) &
(WNJNDT [aka WNJN HD] [Northern New Jersey PBS station])
Make 'Em Laugh
One hour.
(On WLIW & WLIWDT): Sat. Dec. 31, 2011 11p & Tue. Jan. 3, 2012 5a. (On WNJN & WNJNDT): Sun. Jan. 1, 2012 2a "Make 'Em Laugh: "The Funny Business of America":"Breadwinners and Homemakers: Honey, I'm Home!" The domestic-comedy concept pioneered by the likes of George Burns and Gracie Allen is examined. Featuredshows include "The Goldbergs," "I Love Lucy," "The Honeymooners," "The Dick Van Dyke Show," "All in the Family," "The Cosby Show," "Roseanne," "Seinfeld" and"The Simpsons." Billy Crystal hosts.
Credit goes to zap2it.com, the honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & JohnK's Book To The Moon.
All from "Run, Santa, Run":
#1
(Ed thinks that Trixie is pregnant.)
Ed: "Trixie, are you with elf?"
Trixie: "No, I'm with nincompoop."
#2
(Ralph thinks that Alice is going to be pregnant.)
Ralph: "When can we expect the happy occasion?"
Alice: "After I go to the buther's and get you two lamb chops."
Ralph (to Ed): "Did you hear that? It's going to be twins."
#3
Ralph: "I'm going to be Santa Claus."
Ed: "Why can't I be Santa Claus?"
(Ed looks at how fat Ralph is.)
Ed: "On second thought, you should be Santa Claus."
"Honeymooners Christmas Party" & "'Twas The Night Before
Christmas":
Trixie: "Would you like to hear what Ed gave me?"
Alice: "You mean he gave you your present?"
Trixie: "He couldn't wait to give it to me. Do you know what he gave me?"
Alice: "What?"
Trixie: "An orange juice squeezer."
Alice: "An orange juice squeezer?"
Trixie: "It's no ordinary orange juice squeezer. You squeeze the orange on top of Napolean's head and the juice squirts out of his ears."
"Honeymooners Christmas Party" & "'Twas The Night Before
Christmas":
(In the last few minutes of the episodes, Alice unwraps her present.)
Alice: "Ralph, it's beautiful."
Ralph: "You like it?"
Alice: "Yes."
Ralph: "Good and it's practical too. You squeeze the orange on top of
Napolean's head and the juice squirts out of his ears."
"Honeymooners Christmas Party" ('53 version):
Joe The Bartender (played by Jackie Gleason): "Is this your wrap?"
Francis Langford (as herself): "Yes."
Joe (putting her coat around her): "Well, here let me wrap you."
All from "Honeymooners Christmas Carol":
#1
Ed: "These two parts that I am playing. What is my motivation? What is my feel?"
Ralph: "What is your motivation? What is your feel?" (making a fist): "This is your motivation. Do you want to feel it?"
Ed: "Ralph you wouldn't hit a 10-year-old who is also an 80-year-old, would you?"
#2
(Ralph has an assgot on which looks like a very big tie.)
Ralph: "A man with my broad talent has to work with amateurs."
Alice: "The only thing broad about you Ralph is your assgot."
#3
Alice: "You got Ed playing an 80-year-old man and a 10-year-old at the same time? What did you say the name of this play was?"
Ralph: "'A Christmas Carol.'"
Alice: "Are you sure it isn't' Two Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest?'"
All from "Honeymooners Christmas Special":
#1
(Ralph comes home to find out that Trixie, Alice & Alice's Mom are there and they are all angry at him for taking their money as well as not depositing Alice's Dad's social security check.)
Ralph: "You are all right. I took all your money. I cashed in my own paycheck and I borrowed off my life-insurance and I even took my Raccoon Pension Plan. I put all that money into one lump sum and I invested in the greatest idea I ever had."
Alice: "What is that?"
Ralph: "Stand back."
(Ralph gets a small paper bag.)
Ralph: "It is in this bag?"
(Ralph opens it. A bunch of pieces of paper out.)
Ralph: "Lottery tickets."
Ed: "And you thought that Ralph was crazy."
Trixie: "I will vouch for that."
Ed: "He is as sane as I am."
#2
Ralph: "What is your mother doing in the bathroom? She has been in
there for and hour and a half."
Alice: "She is doing what every woman does when they go to bed. She is
putting on her beauty cream."
Ralph: "Let her put some vanishing cream on and disappear."
#3
Ralph: "You (Alice's Mom) have convinced Alice to leave me you old bat."
Alice's Mom: "I take that from whence it comes."
Ralph (making a fist): "Take this from whence it comes."
All from "'Twas The Night Before Christmas":
#1:
Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "ALICE! ALICE!"
(Alice opens the window.)
Alice (yells): "WHAT DO YOU WANT TRIXIE?"
Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "DO YOU HAVE ANY ORANGES?"
Alice (yells): "YES. I WILL GIVE THEM TO YOU."
Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "THANK YOU."
Ralph: "What does she think this is, a grocery store?"
#2:
Alice: "I'll tell you where I hid your gift. It's on the top shelf of the closet. I'm going up to see Trixie."
Ralph: "It makes no difference to me where you hid my gift."
(Alice leaves and Ralph goes to get his gift. His hand gets caught in a mousetrap.)
Ralph (yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
#3:
(Ralph shows Ed what he got Alice by going under the ice box. His hand gets caught in the mousetrap that is under there.)
Ralph (yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
Ed (thinking that the trap is the gift): "That is beautiful Ralph."
#4
Ralph (to Alice): "You know something sweetheart? Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up - red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas'. Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home - you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place your going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"
(Audience claps. Jackie stops the curtain from closing.)
Jackie (as himself): "Hold up. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, we usually don't step out of character, but tonight I think that it's proper that Mr. and Mrs. Kramden and Mr. Mrs. Norton wish everybody a Merry Christmas. Would you come in here Nortons?"
(The Nortons come out.)
Jackie: "There they are."
(Everyone bows to the crowd's applause.)
Now on for my skit:
A Honeymooners Christmas:
(Alice’s Parents & the Nortons are in the Kramden apartment having a Christmas get-together. They see a person on top or near the top of the building.)
Ralph: “It’s a guy in a Santa Claus suit. It looks like his sled says: ‘U.S. Postal Service’ on it. Must be a very late Christmas Eve delivery. He is dispensing gifts onto people’s fire escapes.”
(He finally arrives on the Kramden fire escape.)
“Santa Claus” (aka Sammy Spear): “Merry Christmas folks. He is your items for the Kramdens. I know that the Kramdens live here since it says right above the window here. Merry Christmas.”
(Audience cheers.)
All: “Thank you Santa.”
“Santa” (leaving): “On Rudolph, on Dancer…”
(Ralph laughs.)
Ralph: “He reminds me of someone I know besides Santa.”
(Audience laughs.)
Ralph: “Well, it’s Christmas Day. Why don’t we open our gifts?”
All: “Sure.”
(Ralph gives Alice her gift. Alice opens it.)
Alice: “Ralph, it’s beautiful. Just beautiful. I love this necklace.”
(Alice kisses Ralph.)
Ed: “I was there Alice. You should be proud of Ralph. When we were talking with the female jeweler, he did not act like Clark W. Griswold and say sexual things to her.”
Ralph: “No. Thank God!”
(Everyone laughs.)
Alice: “Open your gift Ralph.”
(Ralph does.)
Ralph: “Wow. Just what I wanted. DVDs that contain the short Color Honeymooners sketches from the 60s.”
(Audience cheers.)
Alice: “I went online and contacted Marilyn Gleason in Fort Lauderdale, Florida via Facebook.”
(Trixie gets her present from Ed.)
Trixie: “Oh Ed, it’s just beautiful. An Napoleon Orange Juice Squeezer version 2.0.”
Ed: “Yeah, it’s practical too. You squeeze the orange on Napoleon’s head and the juice squirts out of his ears.”
Trixie: “Here’s your gift Ed.”
(Ed opens it.)
Ed: “Just what I need in the sewer. A Spongebob Squarepants t-shirt and The Big Bang Theory Season 1.”
Ralph: “I always knew that you and Sheldon Cooper had something in common.”
Ed: “Bazinga! I am smart just like Sheldon is.”
(Without Ed looking, Ralph rolls his eyes.)
Alice’s Dad: “Here’s your gift Honey.”
(Alice’s Mom opens it.)
Alice’s Mom: “How nice. An Ipad 2. Here’s your gift.”
(Alice’s Dad opens his gift.)
Alice’s Dad: “I love it. It’s a DVD of the NY Giants 2008 Super Bowl win.”
Ralph: "You know people, I say this every year. But, Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up – red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas'. Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home – you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place you're going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"
(They each kiss and hug their respective partners. The curtain starts to close but Jackie stops it.)
Jackie: "Ladies and gentlemen, we don't normally step out of character this way, but I want to change things up. Let's introduce every one of the cast. First: Jean Kean."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Art Carney."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Wait a second. In honor of the Christmas season, all of us should sing: ‘Silver Bells.' So, Mr. Spear if you please. I hope you didn't get too tipsy with the eggnog."
(Audience laughs.)
Jackie: “You should be lucky that I included you in the show tonight.”
(Audience laughs.)
Jackie: “And away we go!”
(Sam and his orchestra start to play: “Silver Bells.”)
All (singing): “City sidewalks/
busy sidewalks/
Dressed in holiday style/
In the air there's a feeling of Christmas/
Children laughing/
People passing/
Meeting smile after smile/
And on ev'ry street corner you'll hear/
Silver bells/
silver bells/
It's Christmas time in the city/
Ring a ling/
Hear them sing/
Soon it will be Christmas day/
Strings of street lights/
Even stop lights/
Blink a bright red and green/
as the shoppers rush home with their treasures/
Hear the snow crunch/
See the kids bunch/
This is Santa's big scene/
And above all this bustle you'll hear/
Silver bells/
Silver bells/
It's Christmas time in the city/
Ring-a-ling/
Hear them sing/
Soon it will be Christmas day/
Soon it will be Christmas day.
(Audience applauds.)
Jackie (yells): “MERRY CHRISTMAS! THE MIAMI BEACH AUDIENCES ARE THE GREATEST AUDIENCES IN THE WORLD! GOOD NIGHT!”
(Audience cheers.)
Credit goes to metrolyrics.com.
Merry Christmas to all!
Honeymooners TV Schedule (12/24-1/3):
(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:
(Note: The Honeymooners is not available in HD. So WPIX puts a black picture frame around the show on it's HD feed.)
Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.
Sat. Dec. 31, 2011 11p #001 (aka #109) - "TV or Not TV": Ralph and Norton go partners on a new TV, but Ralph rigs a coin toss so the set stays in the Kramden apartment. It's not long before Ralph becomes a total zombie to the new medium, and all Norton wants to do is don his space helmet and watch "Captain Video."
11:30p #002 (aka #110) - "Funny Money": Ralph finds a suitcase filled with money, enough, Norton says, to "keep him in pizza for the rest of his life." There's one slight problem: the money is counterfeit, and the gangsters who printed it want it back. Alice's Mother: Ethel Owen. Boss: Boris Aplon. Ziggy: Frank Marth.
Sun. Jan. 1, 2012 12a #003 (aka #111) - "The Golfer": Hello, ball! That memorable salutation---delivered by Norton (Art Carney) as he shows the proper way to "address the ball"---has made "The Golfer" (first aired on Oct. 15, 1955) a favorite in the series canon. Ralph's trying to impress his boss by offering to join him in a foursome. Problem is, Ralph's never picked up a club in his life and learning to play in two days, he concedes, won't be easy---"It'd take me at least a week." That doesn't stop him from turning his kitchen into a fairway, using a pin cushion as a ball and, unforgettably, getting into the mood by donning an outlandish golfing outfit that is, to quote Norton, "dee-vine." DON'T MISS – Ed addressing the ball.
12:30a #004 (aka #112) - "A Woman's Work Is Never Done": Tired of Ralph's complaints about household chores not being done, Alice convinces him to hire a maid. But the new domestic is rapidly getting fed up taking orders from Norton and Ralph, or as she calls them, "the simp and the blimp." Thelma: Betty Garde. Wilson: Frank Marth.
1a #005(aka #113) - "A Matter of Life & Death": Ralph gets the idea in his head that he has six months to live, so he decides to sell his story to a magazine. But when he learns it's all a mistake and that he can be prosecuted for fraud, he enlists Norton to pose as a doctor ("don't touch me, I'm sterile") who can cure him of the dreaded "arterial monochromia." Publisher: George Petrie.
1:30a #006 (aka #114) - "The Sleepwalker": Norton's sleepwalking becomes a waking nightmare for Ralph, who can't get any sleep because he's been asked to keep his pal from wandering off on late-night strolls around the neighborhood. Doctor: George Petrie.
2a #007 (aka #115) - "Better Living Through TV": In a classic episode, Ralph and Norton go on live TV in an attempt to sell the Handy Housewife Helper. The inspired (and ad-lib laden) "Better Living Through TV" (originally telecast Nov. 12, 1955) finds Ralph talking Norton into buying TV time so the two of them can go on the air and sell 2000 of the kitchen gadgets. The idea is for "Chef of the Future" Ralph to demonstrate to "Chef of the Past" Norton the many things the gizmo can do, such as open cans, remove corns and, of course, "core a apple." In the rehearsal, Ralph is the picture of calm, but as they prepare to go on the air, panic sets in and he warns a worrisome Ed: "Stop talking like that, nervous, you're going to get yourself all Norton." CLASSIC QUOTE - "Can it core a apple?"
2:30a #008 (aka #116) - "Pal O' Mine": A great friendship is strained after a ring t hat Norton had planned to give a co-worker winds up stuck on Ralph's finger. The episode concludes with a classic hospital scene that contains a memorable one-word ad-lib by Norton, who's saying good-bye to a doctor. Teddy Oberman: Ned Glass. Doctor: John Seymour. Nurse: Abbie Lewis.
3a #009 (aka #117) - "Brother Ralph": A layoff at the bus company prompts Ralph and Alice to add up their total savings from all of their accounts ($12.83). That's reason enough for Alice to get a job, leaving Ralph to take care of the cooking and cleaning. But Ralph becomes really steamed after he discovers that her boss looks like a matinee idol---and that Alice told him that Ralph is her brother.
3:30a #010 (aka #118) - "Hello Mom": Ralph and Alice Kramden (Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows) squabble over the impending arrival of Ralph's mother-in-law in this classic, and ultimately touching, episode. The king is told that his castle is soon to be invaded by Alice's mom. Ralph painfully remembers how his mother-in-law said at his wedding, "I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining a ton," and refuses to let her visit. But when Alice stands up to him and insists her mother's coming, Ralph decides to move in with the Nortons until the visit's over. Humor and poignancy meet in a conclusion that once again shows Alice, who sees beyond Ralph's insecurities, to be the bigger person.
4a #011 (aka #119) - "The Deciding Vote": Ralph's in a tight two-man election for the position of Raccoon convention manager and the deciding vote belongs to Norton. The episode contains a classic sight gag involving Ralph trying to clean a vacuum cleaner after it has failed "the oatmeal test."
4:30a #012 (aka #120) - "Something Fishy": "I catch the fish," Ralph tells Alice, "you cook the fish. The only time we're together is when we eat the fish." Alice, however, has other ideas about Ralph and his lodge brothers worming their way out of taking the wives on the annual fishing trip. Ralph and Norton are desperate, so they angle for a way to leave Alice and Trixie behind.
5a #014 (aka #122) - "The Man From Space": Intending to take home first prize at the Raccoon Lodge's costume ball, Ralph---unable to wangle a loan from Norton---puts together his own costume and dubs himself "The Man From Space" in a memorable episode that was originally telecast Dec. 31, 1955. Angry with Norton (who's going as the Frenchman who "built the sewers of Paris") and obsessed with winning, Ralph appropriates an assortment of household items---including a faucet, a pot, a radio tube and the icebox door---to create a costume that will, he says, make Norton's rented outfit look like "a piece of French cheesecloth." The episode contains a classic example of Jackie Gleason's gift for ad-libbing when, unexpectedly; a piece of Ralph's costume falls off. "Let me have that," he improvises to Alice. "That's my denaturizer."
5:30a #015 (aka #123) - "A Matter of Record": In "A Matter of Record" (originally telecast Jan. 7, 1956), Ralph surprises Alice with tickets to a hit Broadway mystery, but with her mother coming "all the way from Bensonhurst" for a visit, she won't go. " Where's Bensonhurst, in New Zealand or something?" Ralph snaps back, upset that Alice is forsaking him for a visit from his nemesis. "She won't be in this apartment three minutes before she starts an argument," Ralph says. With that, Alice's mother arrives and Ralph proceeds to set an alarm clock for three minutes. Sure enough, she quickly insults Ralph about his weight, chides Alice for not marrying "a good provider" and, as the final straw, spills the beans about the ending of the play. Just as the alarm clock rings, Ralph erupts ("You are a blabbermouth!") and throws his mother-in-law out. But Alice leaves with her, prompting Ralph to take Norton's suggestion and record an apology to Alice in hopes of winning her forgiveness.
6a #016 (aka #124) - "Oh My Aching Back": After telling Alice he was too tired to leave the apartment, Ralph---on the eve of his company physical---goes bowling, throws his back out and comes home hunched over, and looking, Norton says, like "the leaning tower of pizza."
6:30a #017 (aka #125) - "The Baby-sitter": Ralph signals his displeasure when he learns that Alice had a telephone installed in the apartment. Then later, when he calms down, he overhears a telephone conversation and thinks that she is having an affair.
7a #018 (aka #126) - "The $99,000 Answer": Ralph Kramden's get-rich-quick schemes were a Honeymooners staple, but the pipe dream in "The $99,000 Answer"---which originally aired Jan. 28, 1956---may be the funniest. Convinced that he'll triumph on a quiz show, popular-music expert Ralph (Jackie Gleason) intensely prepares at home, aided by piano-playing pal Norton (Art Carney), who warms up for each song with a few bars of a familiar Stephen Foster melody. Of course, the second he's on live TV, Ralph's bravado vanishes. Going into the classic Kramden meltdown---the eyes bugging, the lips quivering, the tongue stuttering "hummina-hummina"---he's asked, for his first question, to identify the composer of "Swanee River." DON'T MISS - - Norton's introduction to every song on the piano.
7:30a #019 (aka #127) - "Ralph Kramden Inc.": Ralph needs a loan from Norton, so he sells him a share of his future earnings as a corporation---Ralph Kramden, Inc. It's another con job by Ralph, of course, until he learns that an old woman with a $40 million estate died and left him in her will. That's enough for Norton, as an officer in the corporation, to remind Ralph about one "small detail"---that they need to bring a suitcase to the reading of the will to carry home the $40 million.
8a #020 (aka #128) - "Young At Heart": Ralph wants to prove to Alice that he's still young at heart by learning dances like the Big Apple and the Suzie Q., which prompts Norton to ask: "How can anyone so round be so square?" But he's still determined, so the Kramdens and the Nortons decide to make a night of it by going roller-skating. Ralph on wheels at the rink makes for one of the series' classic scenes. Another has Norton teaching Ralph how to do the Hucklebuck.
8:30a #021 (aka #129) - "A Dog's Life": Ralph gets another one of his half-baked ideas after he samples a tasty dish he found in his ice box in "A Dog's Life," which was originally telecast Feb. 18, 1956. Convinced that the unusual cracker-spread will satisfy the public's appetite for a snack that's new and different, Ralph asks his boss, Mr. Marshall, to taste the dish in the hope that he'll bankroll production. Ralph's even cooked up a name for the culinary delight: "KramMar's Delicious Mystery Appetizer." Marshall tries it and likes it, and asks Ralph if the recipe is exclusively his wife's or if Alice's mother helped out. "Anything she'd cook I wouldn't give to a dog," Ralph replies. But Marshall wants some other opinions, so he calls in his assistants for another taste test. After two of the assistants reveal the food to be dog food, Ralph is convinced that Alice got a dog and tries to put it back in the pound...only to fall in love with it and take possession of the other dogs who were over their respective limits and were going to be killed.
9a #022 (aka #130) - "Here Comes The Bride": On the eve of his lodge brother Stanley's marriage to Alice's sister, Ralph---the self-proclaimed "king of [his] castle"---gives his future brother-in-law marital advice. Furious that Stanley has agreed to live with Alice's parents, Ralph instructs him to put his foot down. "I don't want to argue," he tells Ralph, prompting Norton to reply: "If you don't want to argue, what are you getting married for?"
9:30a #023 (aka #131) - "Mama Loves Mambo": A dance teacher moves into the building and has all the husbands kicking up a fuss. Ralph and Norton had the idea that Carlos Sanchez was an old man who might like to relax with a game of checkers. He's not---bachelor Carlos is suave and handsome, and worse, is giving their wives mambo lessons in the Kramdens' apartment. Sanchez: Charles Korvin.
10a #024 (aka #132) - "Please Leave The Premises": Ralph refuses to pay a rent increase of $5 a month and, to avoid eviction, barricades himself, Alice and Norton in the apartment. Its war, says Ralph, and he's the general of their army. But after a few days without heat, and the food supply reduced to only celery, General Kramden hatches a plan to get fresh grub from the neighborhood delicatessen. Mr. Johnson: Luis Van Rooten.
10:30a #025 (aka #133) - "House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"): Alice accepts a department store's offer to redecorate their apartment for free. She wants to surprise Ralph, so she arranges to secretly meet with the decorator---who then makes the mistake of leaving one of his gloves in the flat. When Ralph finds the glove, he suspects Alice of having an affair. Andre: Alexander Clark.
11a #026 (aka #134) - "Young Man With A Horn": The discovery of his old cornet and an unexpected visit by a self-made millionaire prompt Ralph to wonder why he hasn't achieved more success and hit the "high note" in his life. As a result, he decides to make a list of his good points and do something to correct his bad ones.
11:30a #027 (aka #135) - “Ralph’s Big Mouth” (aka "Head of The House"): In the hilarious "Head of the House" (originally telecast March 31, 1956), Ralph marks his "emancipation" as king of his castle by sitting down with Norton to finish a bottle of wine that is "a little strong but good." Their first toast, Ralph says, is "to my wife, who has finally found her place." Actually, what Alice found was a bottle of grape juice, which she substituted for the wine. When the men get plastered and pass out, Trixie and Alice pour their own drinks and make their own toasts. "I give you our husbands," says Trixie. "You can have 'em," says Alice. The wine-and-grape-juice scene, Art Carney recalled, was one of his favorites. "We really were laughing at each other...because we were supposed to be laughing...crocked and everything. Funny scene."
12p #028 (aka #136) - "The Worry Wart": Ralph's nerves are taxed when he gets a letter requesting his presence at the IRS office. Alice tries to calm him by reminding him that many people have their returns reviewed. "You're darn right," Norton agrees. "The jails are full of them." Norton, in fact, is helping Ralph review the business deductions he made on his returns and then lends his buddy moral support by accompanying him to the IRS office.
12:30p #029 (aka #137) - "Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"): While leaving the pool hall, Ralph witnesses a bank robbery and takes a bullet through his hat. That's reason enough for him to believe that the thugs will come gunning for him, so Norton tells his on-edge pal to just relax and watch some TV. "What's playing tonight?" Ralph asks. Norton's reply: "Dead Men Tell No Tales." Bibbo: Frank Marth. Danny: George Petrie.
1p #030 (aka #138) - "The Loudspeaker": Ralph thinks he'll be named Raccoon of the Year,so he begins writing his acceptance speech (if he could only get rid of his hiccups). It's a very distinctive honor, he reminds the skeptical Alice, because it entitles the two of them to "free burial privileges in the Raccoons' national cemetery in Bismarck, North Dakota."
1:30p #031 (aka #139) - "On Stage": "Polo ponies." "On Stage" (originally telecast April 28, 1956) actually began, says co-writer Leonard Stern, "with that one word...and we built a whole sketch around it." And it's that single word---pronounced by Norton (Art Carney) to rhyme with monopolies---that has almost single-handedly made this a favorite among Honeymooners fans. The episode begins with Ralph getting a juicy part in a play being mounted by the Raccoon Lodge's Women's Auxiliary. Suddenly Ralph is strutting around like the Barrymore of Bensonhurst and entertaining dreams that a Hollywood producer in the audience will offer him a contract. But before the actual performance, there's a rehearsal with Norton---and that word---to contend with.
2p #032 (aka #140) - "Dial J For Janitor": Ralph can't seem to pipe down about the failures of his building's janitor. Then he finds out that the position pays $150 a month with free rent---and decides to take the job himself. Now the most gripes are coming from Norton, who says he hasn't had water in his apartment for so long that he's beginning to "see mirages." Mr. Johnson: Luis Van Rooten. Mrs. Manicotti: Zamah Cunningham.
2:30p #033 (aka #141) - "Opportunity Knocks, But": When Mr. Marshall asks him for a lesson in shooting pool, Ralph believes that his social visit to his boss's Park Avenue home is the cue for his finally advancing in the company. But it's Norton who racks up points in "Opportunity Knocks But," which originally aired May 5, 1956. The pool lesson just gets under way when Norton---not Ralph---starts offering suggestions about making improvements at the company. Impressed, Marshall offers him a job as "Bus Driver Supervisor." Marshall says he likes a man who can think on his feet, but as an enraged Ralph later tells Alice: "Norton works in the sewer. He has to think on his feet; if he sat down he'd drown." But Norton, who's thinking of accepting the offer, tells his buddy not to worry. "As long as I am an executive at that bus company," he tells Ralph, "you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live."
3p #034 (aka #142) - "A Man's Pride": Ralph is too proud to tell a seemingly successful old friend that he drives a bus, so he says he "runs things" at the company in the last Honeymooners episode of the "classic 39," which originally ran from 1955 to '56. CLASSIC KRAMDEN- Ralph's reaction to the dinner check.
3:30p #035 (aka #143) - "Unconventional Behavior": Ralph and Norton become joined at the wrists when Norton tries out his "trick handcuffs" in "Unconventional Behavior," which originally aired May 12, 1956. Aboard a train en route to the lodge's convention in Minneapolis, the guys look forward to "five days of hilarity" and try out some of the novelty items that Norton's brought along. But when Norton's handcuffs won't unlock (there is no key), he and Ralph become closer than they'd like. This scenario yields some memorable physical humor, including Norton trying to take his coat off and the guys trying to figure out some way to sleep in upper and lower berths. It also provides one of the series' all-time lines. "Mind if I smoke?" Norton asks a frustrated Ralph. "I don't care if you burn," Ralph fires back.
4p #036 (aka #144) - "The Bensonhurst Bomber": An argument in the pool hall and a joke about a man's name figure in "The Bensonhurst Bomber," which originally aired Sept. 8, 1956. Of all the guest characters on The Honeymooners, few names are more recognizable to fans than "Harvey," or, as Ralph pronounces it, "Har-vee!" In fact, it's that exaggerated pronunciation that gets Ralph in hot water when the towering bully Harvey challenges Ralph to a fight at Kelsey's Gym. As the showdown approaches, a nervous Ralph believes a wiser plan might be to leave town, but Norton insists he has to fight Harvey, especially since they're closing the pool hall in Ralph's honor. "If I fight that Harvey," Ralph replies, "they'll be closing it in my memory."
4:30p #037 (aka #145) - "The Safety Award": Ralph is honored with an award for being "the safest bus driver in the city" and plans to take Alice and the Nortons to the ceremony at City Hall. But his big day is plagued with problems, culminating with Ralph having an accident in his friend's car. Ever the optimist, Norton offers a distressed Ralph some sewer-worker words of wisdom: "When the tides of life turn against you, and the current upsets your boat, don't waste those tears on what might have been, just lay on your back and float." Mr. Martin: Frank Marth.
5p #038 (aka #146) - "Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"): Norton gets fired from his job in the sewer after taking Ralph's advice about demanding a promotion. Finding something new won't be easy, Norton says, because, after all, a sewer worker is like a brain surgeon---"we're both s pecialists." Still, after a couple of weeks, he finds work selling irons door-to-door. And when he tells his pal that he made $40 his first day on the job, Ralph suddenly contemplates leaving the bus company to become a salesman with Norton's company.
5:30p #039 (aka #147) - "Alice & The Blonde": Audrey Meadows said that she "loved" the episode titled "Alice and the Blonde" (originally telecast June 2, 1956), and it's easy to see why. For once, it's Alice who's fuming. It's all because of what happens at the home of one of Ralph's co-workers. Trying to ingratiate himself with Bert Weedemeyer (who Ralph thinks may become the bus company's new general manager), Ralph---with Norton by his side, naturally-heaps compliments on the man's wife, a ditsy platinum blonde who calls her husband "Twinkles." Ralph's fawning and flattery isn't amusing Alice, who'll have her revenge. Rita Weedemeyer: Freda Rosen. Bert: Frank Behrens.
(WCIUDT3) (MeTV in Chicago [aka WMEU]
All episodes are in CC.
Central time.
Mon. Dec. 26, 2011 #013 (aka #121) - "'Twas The Night Before XMas": The Kramdens exchange presents in a Christmas episode with an O. Henry twist. Ralphis particularly proud of the gift he has for Alice: a hairpin box made of 2000 matchsticks that, he's been told, was smuggled from the palace of the Emperor ofJapan. DON'T MISS - This classic retelling of "The Gift of the Magi."
Mon. Jan. 2, 2012 1a #61 (aka #152/#33) – “‘Goodnight Sweet Prince’/‘Jellybeans’”: (For “Goodnight Sweet Prince”): When Ralph gets night shift duty he finds it impossible to sleep during the day. Everyone in the neighborhood gives him advice on sleeping, which only makes Ralph more nervous and irritable. (For “Jellybeans”): Ralph loses Alice's dress money
when he schemes to win a jellybean contest.
(WGCU) & (WGCUDT [aka WGCU HD])(Southwest Florida PBS station.)
Pioneers of TV:
One hour
TV-G
All times are Eastern.
Tue. Jan. 3 7p & Wed. Jan. 4, 2012 12a (CC) Joyce Randolph provides insight into Jackie Gleason; Marlo Thomas reminisces about herfather, Danny; Andy Griffith on what made his show work; Mary Tyler Moore and Dick Van Dyke recount their work together.
(WLIW), (WLIWDT) [aka WLIW HD) [Long Island, NY PBS station], (WNJN) &
(WNJNDT [aka WNJN HD] [Northern New Jersey PBS station])
Make 'Em Laugh
One hour.
(On WLIW & WLIWDT): Sat. Dec. 31, 2011 11p & Tue. Jan. 3, 2012 5a. (On WNJN & WNJNDT): Sun. Jan. 1, 2012 2a "Make 'Em Laugh: "The Funny Business of America":"Breadwinners and Homemakers: Honey, I'm Home!" The domestic-comedy concept pioneered by the likes of George Burns and Gracie Allen is examined. Featuredshows include "The Goldbergs," "I Love Lucy," "The Honeymooners," "The Dick Van Dyke Show," "All in the Family," "The Cosby Show," "Roseanne," "Seinfeld" and"The Simpsons." Billy Crystal hosts.
Credit goes to zap2it.com, the honeymooners.net, tvland.com, tvguide.com & JohnK's Book To The Moon.
All from "Run, Santa, Run":
#1
(Ed thinks that Trixie is pregnant.)
Ed: "Trixie, are you with elf?"
Trixie: "No, I'm with nincompoop."
#2
(Ralph thinks that Alice is going to be pregnant.)
Ralph: "When can we expect the happy occasion?"
Alice: "After I go to the buther's and get you two lamb chops."
Ralph (to Ed): "Did you hear that? It's going to be twins."
#3
Ralph: "I'm going to be Santa Claus."
Ed: "Why can't I be Santa Claus?"
(Ed looks at how fat Ralph is.)
Ed: "On second thought, you should be Santa Claus."
"Honeymooners Christmas Party" & "'Twas The Night Before
Christmas":
Trixie: "Would you like to hear what Ed gave me?"
Alice: "You mean he gave you your present?"
Trixie: "He couldn't wait to give it to me. Do you know what he gave me?"
Alice: "What?"
Trixie: "An orange juice squeezer."
Alice: "An orange juice squeezer?"
Trixie: "It's no ordinary orange juice squeezer. You squeeze the orange on top of Napolean's head and the juice squirts out of his ears."
"Honeymooners Christmas Party" & "'Twas The Night Before
Christmas":
(In the last few minutes of the episodes, Alice unwraps her present.)
Alice: "Ralph, it's beautiful."
Ralph: "You like it?"
Alice: "Yes."
Ralph: "Good and it's practical too. You squeeze the orange on top of
Napolean's head and the juice squirts out of his ears."
"Honeymooners Christmas Party" ('53 version):
Joe The Bartender (played by Jackie Gleason): "Is this your wrap?"
Francis Langford (as herself): "Yes."
Joe (putting her coat around her): "Well, here let me wrap you."
All from "Honeymooners Christmas Carol":
#1
Ed: "These two parts that I am playing. What is my motivation? What is my feel?"
Ralph: "What is your motivation? What is your feel?" (making a fist): "This is your motivation. Do you want to feel it?"
Ed: "Ralph you wouldn't hit a 10-year-old who is also an 80-year-old, would you?"
#2
(Ralph has an assgot on which looks like a very big tie.)
Ralph: "A man with my broad talent has to work with amateurs."
Alice: "The only thing broad about you Ralph is your assgot."
#3
Alice: "You got Ed playing an 80-year-old man and a 10-year-old at the same time? What did you say the name of this play was?"
Ralph: "'A Christmas Carol.'"
Alice: "Are you sure it isn't' Two Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest?'"
All from "Honeymooners Christmas Special":
#1
(Ralph comes home to find out that Trixie, Alice & Alice's Mom are there and they are all angry at him for taking their money as well as not depositing Alice's Dad's social security check.)
Ralph: "You are all right. I took all your money. I cashed in my own paycheck and I borrowed off my life-insurance and I even took my Raccoon Pension Plan. I put all that money into one lump sum and I invested in the greatest idea I ever had."
Alice: "What is that?"
Ralph: "Stand back."
(Ralph gets a small paper bag.)
Ralph: "It is in this bag?"
(Ralph opens it. A bunch of pieces of paper out.)
Ralph: "Lottery tickets."
Ed: "And you thought that Ralph was crazy."
Trixie: "I will vouch for that."
Ed: "He is as sane as I am."
#2
Ralph: "What is your mother doing in the bathroom? She has been in
there for and hour and a half."
Alice: "She is doing what every woman does when they go to bed. She is
putting on her beauty cream."
Ralph: "Let her put some vanishing cream on and disappear."
#3
Ralph: "You (Alice's Mom) have convinced Alice to leave me you old bat."
Alice's Mom: "I take that from whence it comes."
Ralph (making a fist): "Take this from whence it comes."
All from "'Twas The Night Before Christmas":
#1:
Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "ALICE! ALICE!"
(Alice opens the window.)
Alice (yells): "WHAT DO YOU WANT TRIXIE?"
Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "DO YOU HAVE ANY ORANGES?"
Alice (yells): "YES. I WILL GIVE THEM TO YOU."
Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "THANK YOU."
Ralph: "What does she think this is, a grocery store?"
#2:
Alice: "I'll tell you where I hid your gift. It's on the top shelf of the closet. I'm going up to see Trixie."
Ralph: "It makes no difference to me where you hid my gift."
(Alice leaves and Ralph goes to get his gift. His hand gets caught in a mousetrap.)
Ralph (yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
#3:
(Ralph shows Ed what he got Alice by going under the ice box. His hand gets caught in the mousetrap that is under there.)
Ralph (yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
Ed (thinking that the trap is the gift): "That is beautiful Ralph."
#4
Ralph (to Alice): "You know something sweetheart? Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up - red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas'. Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home - you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place your going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"
(Audience claps. Jackie stops the curtain from closing.)
Jackie (as himself): "Hold up. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, we usually don't step out of character, but tonight I think that it's proper that Mr. and Mrs. Kramden and Mr. Mrs. Norton wish everybody a Merry Christmas. Would you come in here Nortons?"
(The Nortons come out.)
Jackie: "There they are."
(Everyone bows to the crowd's applause.)
Now on for my skit:
A Honeymooners Christmas:
(Alice’s Parents & the Nortons are in the Kramden apartment having a Christmas get-together. They see a person on top or near the top of the building.)
Ralph: “It’s a guy in a Santa Claus suit. It looks like his sled says: ‘U.S. Postal Service’ on it. Must be a very late Christmas Eve delivery. He is dispensing gifts onto people’s fire escapes.”
(He finally arrives on the Kramden fire escape.)
“Santa Claus” (aka Sammy Spear): “Merry Christmas folks. He is your items for the Kramdens. I know that the Kramdens live here since it says right above the window here. Merry Christmas.”
(Audience cheers.)
All: “Thank you Santa.”
“Santa” (leaving): “On Rudolph, on Dancer…”
(Ralph laughs.)
Ralph: “He reminds me of someone I know besides Santa.”
(Audience laughs.)
Ralph: “Well, it’s Christmas Day. Why don’t we open our gifts?”
All: “Sure.”
(Ralph gives Alice her gift. Alice opens it.)
Alice: “Ralph, it’s beautiful. Just beautiful. I love this necklace.”
(Alice kisses Ralph.)
Ed: “I was there Alice. You should be proud of Ralph. When we were talking with the female jeweler, he did not act like Clark W. Griswold and say sexual things to her.”
Ralph: “No. Thank God!”
(Everyone laughs.)
Alice: “Open your gift Ralph.”
(Ralph does.)
Ralph: “Wow. Just what I wanted. DVDs that contain the short Color Honeymooners sketches from the 60s.”
(Audience cheers.)
Alice: “I went online and contacted Marilyn Gleason in Fort Lauderdale, Florida via Facebook.”
(Trixie gets her present from Ed.)
Trixie: “Oh Ed, it’s just beautiful. An Napoleon Orange Juice Squeezer version 2.0.”
Ed: “Yeah, it’s practical too. You squeeze the orange on Napoleon’s head and the juice squirts out of his ears.”
Trixie: “Here’s your gift Ed.”
(Ed opens it.)
Ed: “Just what I need in the sewer. A Spongebob Squarepants t-shirt and The Big Bang Theory Season 1.”
Ralph: “I always knew that you and Sheldon Cooper had something in common.”
Ed: “Bazinga! I am smart just like Sheldon is.”
(Without Ed looking, Ralph rolls his eyes.)
Alice’s Dad: “Here’s your gift Honey.”
(Alice’s Mom opens it.)
Alice’s Mom: “How nice. An Ipad 2. Here’s your gift.”
(Alice’s Dad opens his gift.)
Alice’s Dad: “I love it. It’s a DVD of the NY Giants 2008 Super Bowl win.”
Ralph: "You know people, I say this every year. But, Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up – red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas'. Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home – you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place you're going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"
(They each kiss and hug their respective partners. The curtain starts to close but Jackie stops it.)
Jackie: "Ladies and gentlemen, we don't normally step out of character this way, but I want to change things up. Let's introduce every one of the cast. First: Jean Kean."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Art Carney."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Wait a second. In honor of the Christmas season, all of us should sing: ‘Silver Bells.' So, Mr. Spear if you please. I hope you didn't get too tipsy with the eggnog."
(Audience laughs.)
Jackie: “You should be lucky that I included you in the show tonight.”
(Audience laughs.)
Jackie: “And away we go!”
(Sam and his orchestra start to play: “Silver Bells.”)
All (singing): “City sidewalks/
busy sidewalks/
Dressed in holiday style/
In the air there's a feeling of Christmas/
Children laughing/
People passing/
Meeting smile after smile/
And on ev'ry street corner you'll hear/
Silver bells/
silver bells/
It's Christmas time in the city/
Ring a ling/
Hear them sing/
Soon it will be Christmas day/
Strings of street lights/
Even stop lights/
Blink a bright red and green/
as the shoppers rush home with their treasures/
Hear the snow crunch/
See the kids bunch/
This is Santa's big scene/
And above all this bustle you'll hear/
Silver bells/
Silver bells/
It's Christmas time in the city/
Ring-a-ling/
Hear them sing/
Soon it will be Christmas day/
Soon it will be Christmas day.
(Audience applauds.)
Jackie (yells): “MERRY CHRISTMAS! THE MIAMI BEACH AUDIENCES ARE THE GREATEST AUDIENCES IN THE WORLD! GOOD NIGHT!”
(Audience cheers.)
Credit goes to metrolyrics.com.
Merry Christmas to all!