(The Boston Celtics won the Eastern Conference semifinals 4 games to 0 by beating the NY Knicks 101-89.)

"On Stage":

Ed (reading the script): "'I don't possess a mansion, a villa in France, a yacht, or a string of...'" (mispronouncing):"...'poloponies.'"

Ralph (reading the script): "'I feel very...'" (not reading): "String of..." (mispronouncing): "...poloponies?"

Ed: "It says so right here."

(Ralph looks.)

Ralph (yells): "THAT'S POLO PONIES."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "All right. We'll flip a coin to see where the set goes. Gimme a coin."

(Ed gives Ralph a coin.)

Ralph: "All right. Heads, I win. Tails, you lose. Right?"

(Ralph flips.)

Ralph: "Tails, you lose."

Ed: "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. If you don't mind, will you mind giving me back my coin?"

"Lost Job":

(Ralph just told Ed that he lost his job. Ralph and Alice just declined a request to go out with the Nortons. It was going to be Ed's treat.)

Alice: "We got to hold on to the money that we have."

Ed: "I know how you feel pal. I remember when I was a kid, my father lost his job. He was out of work for years. We didn't have anything. We were very poor. I didn't even have a toy to play with. Then, I remember one Easter; an uncle of mine comes to the house. He gave me one of those candy rabbits. Boy, I loved it. I played with it. I showed to everybody. Finally, it got so dirty that I had to eat it."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "Alice, where's my shoehorn?"

Alice: "It's in the top, left-hand drawer."

(Ralph looks.)

Ralph: "It's not in the top-hand, left-hand drawer."

Alice: "It must be there."

Ralph: "It must be. It must be but it's not. Don't say 'It must be' Alice. What you mean is maybe. Not must be, maybe."

(Alice looks in the drawer and finds it.)

Alice: "This must be it, maybe."

"Stand-In For Murder Part 1":

(Nick and another man see Ralph so they can get him a job in which he will be killed.)

Ralph: "I have been driving for the Gotham Bus Company for 14 years and I hate to leave that job if this job wasn't steady."

Nick: "Steady?"

Man: "I'll tell you, you will have this job for as long as you live."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "This poolroom isn’t big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom isn’t big enough for you and anybody."

"Santa & The Bookies":

(Lefty and his boss just picked Ralph for their Santa.)

Lefty: "We sure picked ourselves a beaut."

Lefty's Boss: "When Easter comes, we can use him for a bunny."

"Run, Santa, Run":

(Ralph is in his Santa suit.)

Ralph: "If I do real good, can you get me a job as an Easter bunny?"

Sidney (aka "Mr. Smith #1"): "If you do real goo,d I will give you a job in February as a Groundhog."

"Petticoat Jungle":

(Ralph is showing the girls the "rabbit" he killed. The "rabbit" doesn't even look real. It looks like something you would find in a kids' room.)

Trixie: "This (the "rabbit") is what you came to Africa for?"

Alice: "What was he doing when you shot him, coloring Easter eggs?"

(Ralph is on the bus with Ed.)

Ralph: "Boy, what a dissappointing series. The Knicks got swept by those Celtics."

Ed: "Those Celtics really smoked those Knicks. Remember what you said Ralph, that you can beat Shaq in real fight."

(Shaq emerges from behind Ed. Audience applauds.)

Shaq: "You said what man? A person like you beating me in a fight? Hahahahaha."

Ralph: "I said nothing of the kind. I just wanted the Knicks to face Miami in the next round. I heard that Miami Beach is a beautiful place."

(Audience cheers.)

Ed: "You said that you can beat Shaq with weapons."

Ralph: "Arrrgh!"

Shaq: "You want to take this outside? I will beat you up with my bare hands. I will face you tonight at Kesley's Gym."

Ed: "We will be there."

(Shaq leaves.)

Ed (yells): "APOX ON YOU AND YOUR TEAM!"

Ed: "Ralph, why did you have to pick a fight with him for?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!"

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: "'Apox on you and your team.'"

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Folks, time for the cast. Art Carney."

(The crowd applauds as Art comes out and shakes Gleason's hand.)

Jackie: "And Shaq."

(The crowd applauds loudly as Shaq comes out.)

Shaq (yells): "WORD UP MIAMI BEACH!"

(Audience cheers.)

Shaq (yells): "I WILL ENJOY PLAYING DOWN HERE IF I AM HEALTHY ENOUGH IF THE HEAT MAKE IT TO THE NEXT ROUND. THE MIAMI BEACH AUDIENCES ARE THE GREATEST!"

Jackie: "Folks, you heard him. Good night."

(Audience cheers.)