(The NY Yankees beat the Texas Rangers 6-5.)

(Ralph & Ed are walking the streets of New York at 12a.)

Ralph: "What a game Norton! I never thought the Yanks had a chance after they got themselves in a five-run hole."

Ed: "Yeah, they dug themselves out of that one Ralph. Kind of like I dig myself out of a hole everyday."

Ralph: "I bet those Rangers are thinking to themselves: 'How are we going to beat this team? They had a six-day layoff."

Ed: "Wait a minute Ralph. Since our wives were expecting us to be home earlier because their respective mothers were coming, they will be sore."

Ralph: "Well tough. We had to be away because we had to watch the Yankee game. We couldn't watch it at home with our blabbermouth mother-in-laws."

Ed: "We will show them who's boss."

Ralph: "We certainly will. A man's home is his castle and in that castle, he's the king."

Ed: "Ralph, those words should be played at every wedding instead of 'Here Comes The Bride!'"

Ralph: "It will be easy. There will be no arguements."

(Ralph & Ed arrive home. Outside of 328 Chauncey Street, noises and loud arguing is heard.)

Ralph (yells): "ALICE, FOR THE LAST TIME, I COULDN'T BE HERE WITH THAT OLD CROW THAT YOU CALL YOUR MOTHER."

Ed (yells): "PUT DOWN THAT SOUPBOWL TRIXIE!"

(Trixie throws it.)

Ed (yells): "YOU COULD HAVE THROWN THE CONTENTS OUT FIRST. NOW, WE GOT A WALL FULL OF NOODLES."

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. As always, the Miami Beach audiences are the greatest. I hope you have a good night. Safe driving."

(Audience cheers louder.)

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Your husband is crazy."

Alice: "Okay. So what's the big news?"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "Do you realize that at the annual clambake I have the honor of opening the first clam! And as we take our cruise up the Hudson River I get to go up to the bridge and steer - as we pass Raccoon Point."

Alice: "Well golly gee!"

"Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Doctor: "I notice that you have a slight limp. Is that disability permanent?"

Ralph: "No, it isn't. I got it this morning. I hit myself with a hammer."

Doctor: "You hit yourself with a hammer?"

Ralph: "Don't get the wrong idea. Ed hit my leg with the hammer."

"A Dog's Life":

Ralph: "Gee, I remember when I used to weigh 165. Did you see me when I weighed 165?"

Ed: "No Ralph. I never did see your baby pictures."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a battle was lost. For one of a battle, a war was lost. For one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost."

Alice: "Yeah? Why don't you get lost?"

"Lost Baby":

(Ralph found a "baby" on his bus.)

Ed: "I still say that baby is John Wadamaker's (sp?) baby."

Ralph: "Are you crazy? John is a millionaire."

Ed: "You're right. If he was that rich, he would have left that baby in a taxi."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Here's on bottle. H2O."

Ralph: "H2O. Oh, that is pronounced ho."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ed puts a lit match near the thermometer.)

Ed: 'Hey Ralph, what is a normal temperature, around 98 isn't it?"

Ralph: "98.6."

Ed: "What would you say a bad temperature is?"

Ralph: "102. 103. What is it Norton? What is my temperature?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS MY TEMPERATURE NORTON?"

Ed (starting to cry, yells): "111."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph & Ed (singing loudly): "WELL, STROLLING THROUGH THE PARK ONE DAY IN THE MERRY, MERRY MONTH OF MAY. I WAS TAKEN BY SURPRISE BY A PAIR OF RUGGISH EYES..."

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "WILL YOU TWO KEEP IT QUIET DOWN THERE? I'M TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP."

Ralph: "That's that wise guy Garrity."

(Ralph goes to the window and opens it.)

Ralph (yells): "AREN'T YOU HOME EARLY GARRITY? WHAT HAPPENED, DID THE SALOON BURN DOWN?"