Frank Gannucci
12-29-2009, 10:30 PM
(Everyone is at Times Square.)
Everyone (yells): “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”
(Alud Sang plays.)
Ralph: “Happy New Year everybody.”
(They all kiss and hug their respective partners.)
Dick Clark: “Everyone is ringing in the new decade.”
(Everyone is shown hugging and kissing.)
(After a while, the Kramdens and Nortons go to a restaurant and sit down.)
Ralph: “Well, what a night. I wonder what happened to your parents Alice.”
Alice: “Ralph, in that mess of people, they would have gotten lost.”
Ralph: “Well, here's to a prosperous new year and decade.”
Ed: “Yes, hopefully Ralph your get-rich-quick schemes will work this decade.”
(Ralph elbows Ed.)
Ed: “Oomph!”
Ralph: “I am thinking about making a New Year's Resolution.”
Trixie: “What is that?”
Ralph: “To not get mad at Alice's Mother-in-Law and never to start a fight again with anybody.”
(Everyone laughs.)
Ralph: “I am serious. I am going to lengthen my fuse.”
Ed: “Just like you lengthened your belt size.”
Ralph: “Oooh, you are a right Norton. Yes, this is one resolution that I will keep.”
(Alice's parents come in.)
Alice's Mom: “Alice, the Nortons. What a surprise. Hello Ralph. How much food are you going to eat in here, 100 pounds?
“
Ralph (yells): “ALL RIGHT BLABBERMOUTH! YOU WANT TO GO RIGHT ON WITH THE MAIN BOUT?”
Man: “Ha ha ha. By the looks of it, you will look like you will eat 300 pounds of food.”
Ralph: “All right buddy. You two put 'em up.”
Alice (yells): “STOP IT! ALL OF YOU! WE WILL ALL GET KICKED OUT!”
Ralph: “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blown up like that. My resolution this year is to never get mad at your mother-in-law and to never start a fight again.”
Alice's Mom: “I'm sorry too. My resolution is to never make fat jokes and insult you again.”
Ralph: “Good. Hey manager, why don't we all sing: 'Alud Sang'?”
Manager: “Sure.”
(They all sing “Alud Sang.”)
(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)
Jackie: “HAPPY NEW YEAR! OH, HOW SWEET IT IS.”
(Everyone cheers.)
Jackie: “First, let’s introduce the guests. They are coming back for a second straight year. First, Ryan Seacrest.”
(Ryan comes out and shakes Jackie’s hand.)
Jackie: “America’s Oldest Teenager, Dick Clark.”
(Dick comes out and shakes Gleason’s hand.)
Dick: "By the way Jackie, I mean it. Miami Beach is the greatest and so are you."
(Audience applauds.)
Jackie: "That is wonderful. Isn't he great? Thank you."
Dick: “You lost weight.”
Jackie: “I dropped 60 pounds.”
Dick: “On whom?”
(Everyone laughs.)
Jackie: “Jean Kean.”
(Jean comes out and kisses Gleason.)
Jackie: “Audrey Meadows.”
(Audrey comes out and kisses Gleason.)
Jackie: “Art Carney.”
(Art comes out and shakes Gleason’s hand.)
Jackie: “As usual, the Miami Beach audiences are the best. Good night!”
(Audience cheers as everyone leaves.)
"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":
(After Ralph threatens that he and Ed are going to jump out the hotel window if the wives don't give them the money, Ed accidentally falls out.)
Ed: "I forgot. We are on the ground floor."
Ralph: "You don't know how to fall correctly."
Ed: "I would if we were on the 15th floor."
"Young At Heart":
Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what keeps you young."
Ralph: "You want to do things that young people do? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play 'House.' You'll be the mommy and I'll be the poppy. All right mommy - CLEAN UP!"
"Brother-In-Law":
Frank: "Hey Ralph, are you going to eat your soup?"
Ralph: "I'm not hungry."
Frank (about to grab the soup): "Well, I hate to see anything go to waste."
Ralph (taking the soup): "I just got hungry."
"My Fair Landlord":
(Ralph has just complained to Mr. Olsen that he does nothing for the apartment building. Ralph leaves.)
Mr. Olsen: "Your husband has got a lot of nerve saying that to me Mrs. Kramden. I do plenty around here. Last night, I was up until midnight waxing the stairs..."
Ralph (falling down the stairs, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Without Reservations":
Ralph: "When the girls get here, I want them to get a good impression. So keep your mouth shut."
Ed: "If you want them to have a good impression, keep the door shut."
"In Twenty-Five Words or Less":
Ed: "Hey, why don't you name the dog 'Ralph'?"
Ralph: "'Ralph?'"
Ed: "Yeah, that way not only people can call him, dogs can call him. Ralph. Ralph."
(Ed makes barking sounds.)
Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"
"Cupid Part 1":
Ed: "Is Ralph home?"
Alice: "No."
Ed: "He must be out with some blonde."
"The Safety Award":
Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job, trained in the same fashion as each other, and there's always one man in the group that stands out far in front of the others."
Ed: "If you stood out any more in front you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus!"
"Young Man With A Horn":
Ralph: (going to play the coronet) "I dont know if I rememeber this song I got the music right here."
Alice : "Stand back Ed this is liable to be messy."
Ralph: "You're liable to be messy in a about 5 seconds from now!!"
Everyone (yells): “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”
(Alud Sang plays.)
Ralph: “Happy New Year everybody.”
(They all kiss and hug their respective partners.)
Dick Clark: “Everyone is ringing in the new decade.”
(Everyone is shown hugging and kissing.)
(After a while, the Kramdens and Nortons go to a restaurant and sit down.)
Ralph: “Well, what a night. I wonder what happened to your parents Alice.”
Alice: “Ralph, in that mess of people, they would have gotten lost.”
Ralph: “Well, here's to a prosperous new year and decade.”
Ed: “Yes, hopefully Ralph your get-rich-quick schemes will work this decade.”
(Ralph elbows Ed.)
Ed: “Oomph!”
Ralph: “I am thinking about making a New Year's Resolution.”
Trixie: “What is that?”
Ralph: “To not get mad at Alice's Mother-in-Law and never to start a fight again with anybody.”
(Everyone laughs.)
Ralph: “I am serious. I am going to lengthen my fuse.”
Ed: “Just like you lengthened your belt size.”
Ralph: “Oooh, you are a right Norton. Yes, this is one resolution that I will keep.”
(Alice's parents come in.)
Alice's Mom: “Alice, the Nortons. What a surprise. Hello Ralph. How much food are you going to eat in here, 100 pounds?
“
Ralph (yells): “ALL RIGHT BLABBERMOUTH! YOU WANT TO GO RIGHT ON WITH THE MAIN BOUT?”
Man: “Ha ha ha. By the looks of it, you will look like you will eat 300 pounds of food.”
Ralph: “All right buddy. You two put 'em up.”
Alice (yells): “STOP IT! ALL OF YOU! WE WILL ALL GET KICKED OUT!”
Ralph: “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blown up like that. My resolution this year is to never get mad at your mother-in-law and to never start a fight again.”
Alice's Mom: “I'm sorry too. My resolution is to never make fat jokes and insult you again.”
Ralph: “Good. Hey manager, why don't we all sing: 'Alud Sang'?”
Manager: “Sure.”
(They all sing “Alud Sang.”)
(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)
Jackie: “HAPPY NEW YEAR! OH, HOW SWEET IT IS.”
(Everyone cheers.)
Jackie: “First, let’s introduce the guests. They are coming back for a second straight year. First, Ryan Seacrest.”
(Ryan comes out and shakes Jackie’s hand.)
Jackie: “America’s Oldest Teenager, Dick Clark.”
(Dick comes out and shakes Gleason’s hand.)
Dick: "By the way Jackie, I mean it. Miami Beach is the greatest and so are you."
(Audience applauds.)
Jackie: "That is wonderful. Isn't he great? Thank you."
Dick: “You lost weight.”
Jackie: “I dropped 60 pounds.”
Dick: “On whom?”
(Everyone laughs.)
Jackie: “Jean Kean.”
(Jean comes out and kisses Gleason.)
Jackie: “Audrey Meadows.”
(Audrey comes out and kisses Gleason.)
Jackie: “Art Carney.”
(Art comes out and shakes Gleason’s hand.)
Jackie: “As usual, the Miami Beach audiences are the best. Good night!”
(Audience cheers as everyone leaves.)
"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":
(After Ralph threatens that he and Ed are going to jump out the hotel window if the wives don't give them the money, Ed accidentally falls out.)
Ed: "I forgot. We are on the ground floor."
Ralph: "You don't know how to fall correctly."
Ed: "I would if we were on the 15th floor."
"Young At Heart":
Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what keeps you young."
Ralph: "You want to do things that young people do? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play 'House.' You'll be the mommy and I'll be the poppy. All right mommy - CLEAN UP!"
"Brother-In-Law":
Frank: "Hey Ralph, are you going to eat your soup?"
Ralph: "I'm not hungry."
Frank (about to grab the soup): "Well, I hate to see anything go to waste."
Ralph (taking the soup): "I just got hungry."
"My Fair Landlord":
(Ralph has just complained to Mr. Olsen that he does nothing for the apartment building. Ralph leaves.)
Mr. Olsen: "Your husband has got a lot of nerve saying that to me Mrs. Kramden. I do plenty around here. Last night, I was up until midnight waxing the stairs..."
Ralph (falling down the stairs, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Without Reservations":
Ralph: "When the girls get here, I want them to get a good impression. So keep your mouth shut."
Ed: "If you want them to have a good impression, keep the door shut."
"In Twenty-Five Words or Less":
Ed: "Hey, why don't you name the dog 'Ralph'?"
Ralph: "'Ralph?'"
Ed: "Yeah, that way not only people can call him, dogs can call him. Ralph. Ralph."
(Ed makes barking sounds.)
Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"
"Cupid Part 1":
Ed: "Is Ralph home?"
Alice: "No."
Ed: "He must be out with some blonde."
"The Safety Award":
Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job, trained in the same fashion as each other, and there's always one man in the group that stands out far in front of the others."
Ed: "If you stood out any more in front you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus!"
"Young Man With A Horn":
Ralph: (going to play the coronet) "I dont know if I rememeber this song I got the music right here."
Alice : "Stand back Ed this is liable to be messy."
Ralph: "You're liable to be messy in a about 5 seconds from now!!"