(The Kramdens & Nortons are in Buffalo, NY. They see a man in red appearing before them on XMas Day.)

Ed: "Santa is here. Where is Rudolph?"

Ralph: "Argh."

("Santa" is there. It is Chevy Chase in disguise. Audience applauds.)

Ralph: "Oh my! It's..."

Alice: "It's..."

Chevy: "Hi! I'm Chevy Chase and you are not."

(Everyone laughs.)

Chevy: "I see that you decorated your cabin like Clark Griswold. I'm very familiar with him."

(Audience laughs wildly.)

Ralph: "I am Ralph Kramden. This is Alice Kramden. This is Ed Norton. This is Trixie."

All: "Hello."

Ralph: "Merry Christmas Chase. I enjoy all your National Lampoons movies."

Chevy: "Thank you. Too bad that no more of them aren't going to be made with me in them. I am now 78."

Trixie: "Wow! You don't look it."

Chevy: "Thank you. Merry Christmas to all of you."

(Chevy leaves.)

Ralph: "Let's open the presents."

(They go inside and open the presents. Alice opens hers.)

Alice: "Ralph, it's beautiful. I love it."

Ralph: "Thank you for the rabbit-lined gloves you gave me. That thing that I gave you is practical too. It's an super advanced orange juice squeezer. You squeeze the oranges on Napoleon and Josephine's heads and the juice squirts out of their ears."

Alice: "You also gave me tickets for all of us."

Ralph: "Yes, four tickets to that glorious action city...MIAMI BEACH."

(Audience cheers.)

Ed: "Trixie, thank you for the gift you gave me. The last season DVD box set of Spongebob Squarepants."

Trixie: "Thank you Ed for the gift you gave me Ed. A pair of rubber gloves and a ring from Kay Jewelers."

Ralph: "You know people, I say this every year. But, Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up – red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas'. Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home – you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place you're going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"

(They each kiss and hug their respective partners. The curtain starts to close but Jackie stops it.)

Jackie: "Ladies and gentlemen, we don't normally step out of character this way, but I want to change things up. Let's introduce every one of the cast. First: Jean Kean."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "Art Carney."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "And for our special guest, Chevy Chase."

(Audience applauds as Chevy comes out and shakes hands eith everyone.)

Jackie: "Wait a second. In honor of the Christmas season, all of us should sing: 'Silent Night.' So, Mr. Spear if you please. I hope you didn't get too tipsy with the eggnog."

(Everyone laughs.)

Jackie: "I know you like to drink."

(Everyone laughs.)

Jackie: "Away we go."

(Sammy Spear plays silent night.)

Everyone (sings): Silent night, holy night!
All is calm, all is bright.
Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child.
Holy infant so tender and mild,
Sleep in heavenly peace,
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Silent night, holy night!
Shepherds quake at the sight.
Glories stream from heaven afar
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia,
Christ the Savior is born!
Christ the Savior is born.
Silent night, holy night!
Son of God love's pure light.
Radiant beams from Thy holy face
With dawn of redeeming grace,
Jesus Lord, at Thy birth.
Jesus Lord, at Thy birth.

(They finish up the rest of the song. Audience applauds.)

Chevy: "After staying here, I will agree when Jackie says this."

Jackie (yells): "THE MIAMI BEACH AUDIENCES ARE THE BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)
"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is that no-good janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be tough with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and you have to tell him off good."

Alice: "I was witing for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I am home. So, go down there and tell him off."

"Sees All, Knows All":

(The fortune teller is looking in her crystal ball.)

Fortune Teller: "It is cloudy. It is cloudy."

Ed: "Ralph, who do you know named Cloudy?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Ed (bringing in the cot): "Hi folks! I hope I didn't disturb your sleep."

Ralph: "No, you didn't. I get up every morningat 3am. That way, I can get a seat on the subway going to work."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I would say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "One of these days, you are going to push me too far."

Alice's Mom: "The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head. I got rocks in my head. I got NOTHING in my head."

"The Main Event":

(Ed is showing off his boxing skill for Dynamite.)

Ed: "Cover up your face Ralph! Cover your face! Cover your face!"

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! WHY DID YOU HIT ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER MY FACE!"

Ed (yells): "I WAS SHOWING DYNAMITE NOT TO TRUST ANYBODY IN THE RING."