JamesG
10-22-2009, 10:45 AM
What makes a truly awful horror movie?
The directors of our list of the 25 worst horror flicks of all time might be able to give us some guidance. We've seen enough truly bad ones to know 'em when we see 'em (and, just to clarify, we only considered movies that had theatrical releases -- because if we included straight-to-dvd stinkers, we'd be here all month), but we'll let you read through our countdown to see if you agree.
Here are 25 of the worst horror prequels, remakes and so called originals ... if you find any of these playing on your flat-scream TV, you know to turn the channel immediately. There are no treats here -- the only thing scary about these movies is how terrible they are. You've been warned. -- By Ed Tahaney
25. Gothika (2003)
Halle Berry wakes to find herself possessed by a not-so-friendly blonde ghost in the insane asylum where she works. Oh, and she tries to remember why she axed her husband -- when she really should have axed her agent for allowing her to star in this howler.
Robert Downey Jr. and Penelope Cruz also star; apparently, Downey Jr. accidentally broke Berry's arm during a scene, and the movie production was delayed for two months. They should have stopped there.
24. An American Werewolf in Paris (1997)
The looney heart's club band of a sequel that was made at least a decade too late. Why didn't the producers just get Rob Zombie to direct a prequel/remake of the John Landis original? That would easily be far superior to this howler.
Better yet, why not make 'An American Werewolf in Barcelona' and get Woody Allen to direct? Things do not get hairy enough in this hokey horror flick starring Julie Delpy.
23. Leprechaun (1993)
Kiss my Blarney Stone! Return of the Jedi's Warick Davis, who played Wicket the Ewok, stars as the little man looking for his stolen gold.
Jennifer Aniston (boy, can she really pick 'em) also stars in this not-scary fairy tale set in South Dakota -- really. It's duller than a St. Patrick's Day parade without green beer. An unlucky 93 minutes of your life that will leave you screaming "I want me money back!"
22. FearDotCom (2002)
We pity the fools who logged on to this Ring rip-off. Instead of a creepy video tape there's a killer website -- get it? Suckers die 48 hours after visiting the site online.
You'll wish a deadly computer virus on the filmmakers if you manage to sit through this flick. Oscar-nominated actor Stephen Rea stars as the torturing doc -- now that's really tragic.
21. I Spit on Your Grave (1978)
It's the unpleasant tale of a woman, played by Camile Keaton, who seeks revenge after being gang-raped, repeatedly, by five men. She eventually -- and vilely -- kills them all.
We want to be clear: We don't have a problem with revenge flicks per se, it's the perversion and sadism of this one to which we object. Film critic Roger Ebert described it as "a vile bag of garbage," and who can disagree?
20. Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horror (2007)
Fo' shizzle my nizzle? Maybe if you're sipping on a 40 and smoking a blunt with your homies you can find a point to this dog of a movie. There are three super bad stories about lost souls, with "cribmaster" Snoop Dogg starring as the Hound of Hell.
It features a cast full of losing performances, by the likes of Ernie Hudson, Billy Dee Williams and Seinfeld's Jason Alexander, but the best thing we can say about this movie is that it's only 84 minutes long.
19. Devil's Rain (1975)
This is John Travolta's second movie after the Tenth Level but his first melting on screen performance. Oscar winner Ernest Borgine also stars, as a satanic goat/priest, along with Ida Lupino, Eddie Albert and William Shatner.
Now the casting ought to tell you something, but heaven help you if you survive the endless ending where the evil victims melt and melt and then melt some more. It's the longest 86 minutes of your life.
18. Zombie Strippers! (2008)
"They'll dance for a fee but devour you for free" was the tag line -- that and the title really should have been dead giveaways.
If you paid to see it ... that's your bad. Set in the near future in Cornhusker land where a deadly virus is unleashed by the government and everyman's fantasy becomes everyman's worst nightmare.
Jenna Jameson and Nightmare on Elm Street's Robert Englund star in this suck-fest. The Ping-Pong ball scene with Jameson is about as scary -- and classy -- as a Tijuana donkey show.
17. When a Stranger Calls (2006)
Prank calling was so 1979 (the year of the much creepier original); besides, with caller ID now how can anyone be afraid? Try getting out of a service contract with T-Mobile -- now that's really scary.
But not this remake about a serial killer who uses a flip phone to harass a babysitter played by Camila Belle. What's next? 'When a Stranger Texts'? LOL!
16. House of the Dead (2003)
How do you kill a lame premise that's already been beaten to death? You base your movie on a videogame for starters.
A rave on an island goes seriously wrong and ... why should we care? This House is DOA, with Clint Howard, who looks creepy without zombie makeup, and Smallville's Erica Durance. Even the Man of Steel couldn't save her from this mess.
15. Saw V (2008)
You might say it's torture to sit through this installment -- but at least it's imaginative torture.
With a copycat murderer and a dead Jigsaw (Tobin Bell), though, V is the equivalent of watching Nightmare on Elm St. without Freddy Krueger. If you think the franchise has been played out, you're wrong -- the next one is already in theaters.
14. The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007)
Mutant miner hillbillies attack a family in a Deliverance-like tale set in the desert. You'll probably have a scarier time watching National Lampoon's Vacation 3.
Wes Craven wrote and directed the original; this time he didn't direct but teamed up with his son, Jonathan, for another crack at the script. Like father, like son? We don't think so -- at least not in these hills.
13. Black Christmas (2006)
A killer slays a houseful of sorority girls on Christmas Eve who happen to live in the house where he murdered his own family 15 years earlier. Despite its promising storyline, it's a boring remake of the slightly better 1974 original.
SCTV's Andrea Martin was in the first one, as was Margot Kidder, and we bet she wishes she skipped her role as housemother in this version. Watching this dud is as much fun as having your head sliced off with an ice skate.
12. Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988)
Well, the title kind of says it all here. Pie-tossing killers arrive in a circus tent spaceship and capture earthlings in cotton candy cocoons that turn them into Jell-o. Yep, that's about it.
It was shot in Santa Cruz, Ca., for allegedly 2 million bucks and stars John "Dean Wormer" Vernon from Animal House. A "zero point zero" for these klowns.
11. House of Wax (2005)
It's a forgettable remake of a remake -- how Paris Hilton. This slasher trash is about as spooky as watching a season of A Simple Life episodes back to back.
At least you get to see Paris die here, but waiting for that moment is far more painful than the thrill of viewing it. Definitely not hot.
10. Jason X (2002)
Friday the 13th in space ... who knew this already played-out franchise could get any worse? (And it did, in this sorry sequel.) It's part 10 for those of you keeping track at home -- and a blatant Alien rip-off.
It's set in the year 2455 where a frozen Jason is dethawed and upgraded. The machete maniac who favors hockey masks still refuses to die, but in space no one can hear you snore.
9. Wicker Man (2006)
The original version with the Equalizer (Edward Woodward, who -- rightly -- passed on a cameo for this pile) was pretty disturbing and unwatchable ... so a remake was a no-brainer, right? But of course.
It could've been decent, though, with its pedigree of talent: Neil LaBute directing and Nicolas Cage and Ellen Burstyn starring. No such luck. Watching Cage punch and drop kick his way through a truly awful movie is the scariest part of this unbearable film.
8. Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)
It's four years later in this sequel directed by John Bore ... er, Boorman.
Linda Blair is back as an all-grown-up Regan MacNeil. Richard Burton stars as Father Lamont, who gets seduced by the evil Blair in some truly laughable scenes. Acting heavyweights Burton, Max Von Sydow, Ida Lupino, James Earl Jones and Ned Beatty couldn't save this hellish mess.
The film was so poorly received that it was pulled from theaters and reedited two times by Boorman. One is left to wonder what could've possessed anyone to make this film.
7. Dreamcatcher (2003)
Stephen King sold the movie rights to this novel of the same name for a buck, and even legendary screenwriter William Goldman couldn't save this alien-invasion tale.
Lawrence Kasdan directed and co-wrote the script for this disaster of an adaptation, which stars Morgan Freeman along with a cast of very forgettable performances. The only dream we have about this flick is that it was never made.
6. Dr. Giggles (1992)
L.A. Law's Larry Drake stars as the crazy son of a killer doctor who seeks revenge on the town that put his pathetic pop away.
Drake and his bag of tricks wreak havoc on the townfolk in a series of silly scenes and stupid murders. The doctor may be "out ... of his mind," but so would you have to be to watch this one.
5. Psycho (1998)
What were you thinking? A shot-for shot remake of Alfred Hitchcock's classic creep-fest and then filming it in color -- oh, the horror!
Vince Vaughn stars as mama's boy Norman Bates and Anne Heche has the displeasure of taking a shower in this remake by Gus Van Sant. Ted Turner could have done a better job by taking a stab at colorizing Hitchcock's original. Yeesh.
4. Two Thousand Maniacs (1964)
This pulp revenge flick centers on a Georgia town that invites six "Yankees" (not the baseball team) to a celebration of the 100th anniversary of when the town was destroyed by the Union army.
Guess the Civil War never ended for these Southerners -- they proceed to dispatch of the visitors in different scenarios. That's right, a horror plot based on the War Between the States. We don't know who should be more offended, Southerners or anyone who's sat through this un-civil film.
3. Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000)
Evil doesn't die -- it's remade into another freakin' snoozer about more students lost in the woods.
This time around it's a Goth girl, a Wiccan gal, a sensitive guy and a dorky troublemaker who get drunk, stoned and possessed. Two live, two die. Who cares? And this version allegedly had a script, unlike the mostly improvised original -- now that's really scary.
2. Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)
One of the greatest of all-time celluloid baddies was written and directed by legendary schlock-meister Ed Wood.
This film (aka 'Grave Robbers From Outer Space') about aliens who resurrect the dead to rule the earth is truly awful for so many reasons. The most obvious is that when star Bela Lugosi died four days into shooting, he was replaced by a double who looked nothing like him. Wood really had no gift for filmmaking -- at all.
1. Halloween (2007)
Filmmaking 101: Never remake a classic. This craptastic "reimagining" of John Carpenter's original by Rob Zombie attempts to explore the psyche of killer Michael Myers.
We want to be scared by Halloween, not bored by it -- stick to the music, dude! On a lighter note, horror hottie Danielle Harris has starred in four Halloween movies to date, including this mess.
http://insidemovies.moviefone.com/2009/10/19/worst-horror-movies/
The directors of our list of the 25 worst horror flicks of all time might be able to give us some guidance. We've seen enough truly bad ones to know 'em when we see 'em (and, just to clarify, we only considered movies that had theatrical releases -- because if we included straight-to-dvd stinkers, we'd be here all month), but we'll let you read through our countdown to see if you agree.
Here are 25 of the worst horror prequels, remakes and so called originals ... if you find any of these playing on your flat-scream TV, you know to turn the channel immediately. There are no treats here -- the only thing scary about these movies is how terrible they are. You've been warned. -- By Ed Tahaney
25. Gothika (2003)
Halle Berry wakes to find herself possessed by a not-so-friendly blonde ghost in the insane asylum where she works. Oh, and she tries to remember why she axed her husband -- when she really should have axed her agent for allowing her to star in this howler.
Robert Downey Jr. and Penelope Cruz also star; apparently, Downey Jr. accidentally broke Berry's arm during a scene, and the movie production was delayed for two months. They should have stopped there.
24. An American Werewolf in Paris (1997)
The looney heart's club band of a sequel that was made at least a decade too late. Why didn't the producers just get Rob Zombie to direct a prequel/remake of the John Landis original? That would easily be far superior to this howler.
Better yet, why not make 'An American Werewolf in Barcelona' and get Woody Allen to direct? Things do not get hairy enough in this hokey horror flick starring Julie Delpy.
23. Leprechaun (1993)
Kiss my Blarney Stone! Return of the Jedi's Warick Davis, who played Wicket the Ewok, stars as the little man looking for his stolen gold.
Jennifer Aniston (boy, can she really pick 'em) also stars in this not-scary fairy tale set in South Dakota -- really. It's duller than a St. Patrick's Day parade without green beer. An unlucky 93 minutes of your life that will leave you screaming "I want me money back!"
22. FearDotCom (2002)
We pity the fools who logged on to this Ring rip-off. Instead of a creepy video tape there's a killer website -- get it? Suckers die 48 hours after visiting the site online.
You'll wish a deadly computer virus on the filmmakers if you manage to sit through this flick. Oscar-nominated actor Stephen Rea stars as the torturing doc -- now that's really tragic.
21. I Spit on Your Grave (1978)
It's the unpleasant tale of a woman, played by Camile Keaton, who seeks revenge after being gang-raped, repeatedly, by five men. She eventually -- and vilely -- kills them all.
We want to be clear: We don't have a problem with revenge flicks per se, it's the perversion and sadism of this one to which we object. Film critic Roger Ebert described it as "a vile bag of garbage," and who can disagree?
20. Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horror (2007)
Fo' shizzle my nizzle? Maybe if you're sipping on a 40 and smoking a blunt with your homies you can find a point to this dog of a movie. There are three super bad stories about lost souls, with "cribmaster" Snoop Dogg starring as the Hound of Hell.
It features a cast full of losing performances, by the likes of Ernie Hudson, Billy Dee Williams and Seinfeld's Jason Alexander, but the best thing we can say about this movie is that it's only 84 minutes long.
19. Devil's Rain (1975)
This is John Travolta's second movie after the Tenth Level but his first melting on screen performance. Oscar winner Ernest Borgine also stars, as a satanic goat/priest, along with Ida Lupino, Eddie Albert and William Shatner.
Now the casting ought to tell you something, but heaven help you if you survive the endless ending where the evil victims melt and melt and then melt some more. It's the longest 86 minutes of your life.
18. Zombie Strippers! (2008)
"They'll dance for a fee but devour you for free" was the tag line -- that and the title really should have been dead giveaways.
If you paid to see it ... that's your bad. Set in the near future in Cornhusker land where a deadly virus is unleashed by the government and everyman's fantasy becomes everyman's worst nightmare.
Jenna Jameson and Nightmare on Elm Street's Robert Englund star in this suck-fest. The Ping-Pong ball scene with Jameson is about as scary -- and classy -- as a Tijuana donkey show.
17. When a Stranger Calls (2006)
Prank calling was so 1979 (the year of the much creepier original); besides, with caller ID now how can anyone be afraid? Try getting out of a service contract with T-Mobile -- now that's really scary.
But not this remake about a serial killer who uses a flip phone to harass a babysitter played by Camila Belle. What's next? 'When a Stranger Texts'? LOL!
16. House of the Dead (2003)
How do you kill a lame premise that's already been beaten to death? You base your movie on a videogame for starters.
A rave on an island goes seriously wrong and ... why should we care? This House is DOA, with Clint Howard, who looks creepy without zombie makeup, and Smallville's Erica Durance. Even the Man of Steel couldn't save her from this mess.
15. Saw V (2008)
You might say it's torture to sit through this installment -- but at least it's imaginative torture.
With a copycat murderer and a dead Jigsaw (Tobin Bell), though, V is the equivalent of watching Nightmare on Elm St. without Freddy Krueger. If you think the franchise has been played out, you're wrong -- the next one is already in theaters.
14. The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007)
Mutant miner hillbillies attack a family in a Deliverance-like tale set in the desert. You'll probably have a scarier time watching National Lampoon's Vacation 3.
Wes Craven wrote and directed the original; this time he didn't direct but teamed up with his son, Jonathan, for another crack at the script. Like father, like son? We don't think so -- at least not in these hills.
13. Black Christmas (2006)
A killer slays a houseful of sorority girls on Christmas Eve who happen to live in the house where he murdered his own family 15 years earlier. Despite its promising storyline, it's a boring remake of the slightly better 1974 original.
SCTV's Andrea Martin was in the first one, as was Margot Kidder, and we bet she wishes she skipped her role as housemother in this version. Watching this dud is as much fun as having your head sliced off with an ice skate.
12. Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988)
Well, the title kind of says it all here. Pie-tossing killers arrive in a circus tent spaceship and capture earthlings in cotton candy cocoons that turn them into Jell-o. Yep, that's about it.
It was shot in Santa Cruz, Ca., for allegedly 2 million bucks and stars John "Dean Wormer" Vernon from Animal House. A "zero point zero" for these klowns.
11. House of Wax (2005)
It's a forgettable remake of a remake -- how Paris Hilton. This slasher trash is about as spooky as watching a season of A Simple Life episodes back to back.
At least you get to see Paris die here, but waiting for that moment is far more painful than the thrill of viewing it. Definitely not hot.
10. Jason X (2002)
Friday the 13th in space ... who knew this already played-out franchise could get any worse? (And it did, in this sorry sequel.) It's part 10 for those of you keeping track at home -- and a blatant Alien rip-off.
It's set in the year 2455 where a frozen Jason is dethawed and upgraded. The machete maniac who favors hockey masks still refuses to die, but in space no one can hear you snore.
9. Wicker Man (2006)
The original version with the Equalizer (Edward Woodward, who -- rightly -- passed on a cameo for this pile) was pretty disturbing and unwatchable ... so a remake was a no-brainer, right? But of course.
It could've been decent, though, with its pedigree of talent: Neil LaBute directing and Nicolas Cage and Ellen Burstyn starring. No such luck. Watching Cage punch and drop kick his way through a truly awful movie is the scariest part of this unbearable film.
8. Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)
It's four years later in this sequel directed by John Bore ... er, Boorman.
Linda Blair is back as an all-grown-up Regan MacNeil. Richard Burton stars as Father Lamont, who gets seduced by the evil Blair in some truly laughable scenes. Acting heavyweights Burton, Max Von Sydow, Ida Lupino, James Earl Jones and Ned Beatty couldn't save this hellish mess.
The film was so poorly received that it was pulled from theaters and reedited two times by Boorman. One is left to wonder what could've possessed anyone to make this film.
7. Dreamcatcher (2003)
Stephen King sold the movie rights to this novel of the same name for a buck, and even legendary screenwriter William Goldman couldn't save this alien-invasion tale.
Lawrence Kasdan directed and co-wrote the script for this disaster of an adaptation, which stars Morgan Freeman along with a cast of very forgettable performances. The only dream we have about this flick is that it was never made.
6. Dr. Giggles (1992)
L.A. Law's Larry Drake stars as the crazy son of a killer doctor who seeks revenge on the town that put his pathetic pop away.
Drake and his bag of tricks wreak havoc on the townfolk in a series of silly scenes and stupid murders. The doctor may be "out ... of his mind," but so would you have to be to watch this one.
5. Psycho (1998)
What were you thinking? A shot-for shot remake of Alfred Hitchcock's classic creep-fest and then filming it in color -- oh, the horror!
Vince Vaughn stars as mama's boy Norman Bates and Anne Heche has the displeasure of taking a shower in this remake by Gus Van Sant. Ted Turner could have done a better job by taking a stab at colorizing Hitchcock's original. Yeesh.
4. Two Thousand Maniacs (1964)
This pulp revenge flick centers on a Georgia town that invites six "Yankees" (not the baseball team) to a celebration of the 100th anniversary of when the town was destroyed by the Union army.
Guess the Civil War never ended for these Southerners -- they proceed to dispatch of the visitors in different scenarios. That's right, a horror plot based on the War Between the States. We don't know who should be more offended, Southerners or anyone who's sat through this un-civil film.
3. Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000)
Evil doesn't die -- it's remade into another freakin' snoozer about more students lost in the woods.
This time around it's a Goth girl, a Wiccan gal, a sensitive guy and a dorky troublemaker who get drunk, stoned and possessed. Two live, two die. Who cares? And this version allegedly had a script, unlike the mostly improvised original -- now that's really scary.
2. Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)
One of the greatest of all-time celluloid baddies was written and directed by legendary schlock-meister Ed Wood.
This film (aka 'Grave Robbers From Outer Space') about aliens who resurrect the dead to rule the earth is truly awful for so many reasons. The most obvious is that when star Bela Lugosi died four days into shooting, he was replaced by a double who looked nothing like him. Wood really had no gift for filmmaking -- at all.
1. Halloween (2007)
Filmmaking 101: Never remake a classic. This craptastic "reimagining" of John Carpenter's original by Rob Zombie attempts to explore the psyche of killer Michael Myers.
We want to be scared by Halloween, not bored by it -- stick to the music, dude! On a lighter note, horror hottie Danielle Harris has starred in four Halloween movies to date, including this mess.
http://insidemovies.moviefone.com/2009/10/19/worst-horror-movies/