(Alice & Ralph are talking in the kitchen.)

Ralph: "Alice, the Raccoons are having the First Annual Labor Day Potluck Bar-B-Q. They have elected me the chairman."

Alice: "Ralph, that is wonderful."

Ralph: "Yeah, we are going to have it near the Hudson River. Right accross from Raccoon Point."

Alice: "Wow!"

Ralph: "Next year, they are thinking about having the annual dinner in Bismark, North Dakota and the following year, at that beautiful action city...Miami Beach."

(Audience cheers.)

Ralph: "Now, me and Norton are going to go buy the grill. I know how to get a big one and get one real cheap. One clearance."

Alice: "Ralph, I hope you don't spend too much money, especially in this economy."

Ralph: "I don't waste money Alice. You do. What do you spend your money on?"

Alice: "Getting clothes that will fit you and feeding you."

Ralph: "Ooooh, you are a riot Alice. A regular riot."

(The day of the barbeque. Ralph and Ed are seen pushing the barbeque grill all the way to the Hudson River.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph, these people are looking at us funny. We are the only ones pushing a barbeque grill 3,000 feet plus."

Ralph: "Yeah, I wasn't going to spend $100 at Sears for delivery."

Ed: "You should have seen the package-pick-up people. They looked at us like we each had two heads when we pushed this grill."

(They finally arrive alongside the Hudson River. The wives are waiting.)

Trixie: "Well, if it ain't the World's Strongest Man and Michael Phelps. Look at them pushing that heavy grill all that way."

Alice: "Ralph, did people laugh at you when they saw you pushing that grill?"

Ralph: "Yes, and I flipped them off, if you know what I mean."

Ed: "One of them was Harvey and after that, Ralph ran as fast as he could."

Ralph: "You are a riot Norton."

(They start grilling. Ralph left the area to talk with the Raccoons.)

Ralph: "We can thank the people who made this holiday for us back in the 1800s. They wanted to keep America running."

Brother Cassidy: "Yes, sir."

(Ed is playing football and accidentally slams his body against the grill to catch the ball, which causes it to roll down the hill. Ralph and Ed chase after the grill but, alas. The grill falls into the water.)

Ralph (yells): "YOU STUPID STUPE! LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR GRILL."

Ed (yells): "MY GRILL? YOU PAYED FOR IT."

Ralph (yells): "I AM NOT PAYING FOR THIS. YOU ARE A NUT."

(The boys continue fighting as the crowd separates them.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. The audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "Cream-chipped beef again?"

Alice: "Yeah, but I fixed it a new way, Ralph. I got the recipe out of a movie magazine. Its Ricardo Cortez's favorite."

Ralph: "Well, I hope when Ricardo gets here tonight he enjoys it!"

"Peacemaker":

Alice: "Why don't you take advantage of the time you have now and go to sleep."

Ralph: "You're right. Sorry I yelled at you. Good night."

(Ralph goes to the bedroom. The alarm clock rings. It's 5am. Time to go to work for Ralph. Ralph brings the alarm clock out and has a weird look on his face while Audrey tries her best not to laugh.)

Ralph (yells): "IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK. IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "Some day, someone might discover you."

Ed: "Not unless he falls down an open manhole."


"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "Don't take any pictures of Dr. Norton. He's very modest."

Ed: "I wouldn't mind a few pictures."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "I have always been lucky at contests. Remember last year at Harry's Grove when I won the clam eating contest?"

Alice (from bedroom): "Yeah?"

Ralph: "I got $5 from that. $5."

Alice (coming out of the bedroom): "You sure did and you spent $7 on Alka-Seltzer."

"Jellybeans":

(Ed takes some of the jellybeans and eats them. Ralph spots him.)

Ralph (yells): "WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT ARE YOU EATING THOSE JELLYBEANS FOR?"

Ed: "What's the matter? What are they, poisoned?"

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."

"Oh My Aching Back":

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back.)

Ralph: "How does this look? Does this look natural?"

Ed: "Yeah, like the Leaning Tower of Pizza."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed & Ralph are trying to think of a way to get that woman, as they refer to her as, out of the phone booth. Unbeknownst to them, the woman is Alice.)

Ed: "Why don't we go across the street, call here, tell this lady she is wanted home. She leaves. Then, we come back here to call up the hypnotist."

Ralph: "Did you just say to go across the street, call here, tell this lady she is wanted home, then when she leaves, we use this phone to call up the hypnotist?" (yells): "I NEVER HEARD ANYTHING MORE STUPID IN MY LIFE. THIS PHONE WOULD BE BUSY IF WE DID THAT."