"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "When you own a house, you can go outisde, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out the door right now into the hallway and do the same thing."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "Oh, by the way, when Mrs. Weidmeyer comes in, it might be good if you complimented her on how she decorated this place. You know, she might give you a tip on how to fix up our place."

Alice: "I could sure use her help. I just can't figure out what color pan goes best under our ice box!"

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(One of Ralph's failed inventions that was revealed in this episode was Glow in the Dark shoeshine polish.)

Ed: "Mr. Mitchell, would you like to try shoeshine polish that glows in the dark?"

Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?"

"Battle of The Sexes":

Ralph: "Don't make a sound while I take a shot. Don't even breathe."

Ed: "If I don't breathe, I will die."

Ralph: "That's okay. Just don't make any noise when you hit the floor."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "How about the time when we were playing softball and you got hit in the head with a bat? Who was it that got you a cab and took you over to the hospital? I did. Who came and saw you every day? I did. Who got you cigarettes and candy? I did."

Ed: "Who hit me in the head with a bat? You did."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "How much time would it take a man if he went about selling these things (Handy Housewife Helpers) if he went from door-to-door?"

Alice: "About one minute if this was the first door he knocked on."

“The Match Game”:

Ed: “I played football in Soldier's Field once. I was on the New York Sewerworkers team when they played the Chicago Sanitation Workers in the annual Garbage Bowl for charity.”

Ralph: “What charity?”

Ed: “Fresh Air Fund.”

“Hero”:

Tommy: “Did you see Mr. Kramden when he was a football star?”

Ed: “No, I was in Prep School at the time.”