"Hello Mom":

Alice: "I want you to read this letter Ralph. It was made by a man a long time ago."

Ralph (reading the letter): "'Dear Mom, I'd just thought I'd write and tell you this. A mother-in-law is the most criticized, the most misunderstood and the most defenseless of all women. The average women must be clever enough to know when to speak, but a mother-in-law must know when to keep silent. She must be very wise, wise enough sometimes to withhold advice, although she knows the answer to the problem. A mother-in-law must sit on the fence between her own child and the child by marriage. Somehow she must keep her balance. She must lean backwards until her spine aches or else she's accused of being partial and she isn't permitted the luxury of hurt feelings or tears. If a person could put themselves in their mother-in-laws place, weigh her in the balance, being completely fair; they'd nominate her for the Presidency of the United States, and she'd be the first women to make it.'" (not reading): "This is pretty nice. Who wrote it?"

Alice: "You did."

"Hello Mom":

Trixie: "Ed, what did you say about my mom?"

Ed: "I said that she was the most mean, most rotten, sweetest person that I ever met."

"A Matter of Record":

Alice's Mom: "Alice, you look thin. Are you getting enough to eat?"

Alice: "Sure I am. You won't say that if you look at our food bill."

Alice's Mom: "Well, I don't doubt that the bills are high. But, how much of the food are you getting?"

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Alice's Mom: "Hello Ralph."

Ralph: "Hello. How did you know it was me?"

Alice's Mom: "I could hear the floor sag."

"The Next Champ":

(Dynamite Kid is punching in the air.)

Ed: "Boy, look at him Ralph. He fights like a panther. He reminds me of the greatest street fighter I ever saw."

Ralph: "Who was that?"

Ed: "Trixie's mom."

"Quiz Show":

Ralph: "All I know is that your mother has been asking your father the same question for a long time and he hasn't been able to answer it yet."

Alice: "What question is that?"

Ralph: "Why don't you get a job?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "When I got married, I had a more modern stove than that."

Ralph: "When you got married, fire wasn't even invented."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "Why Eddie Townsend was begging to marry her (Alice.)"

Ralph: "Eddie Townsend? Eddie Townsend? Are you kidding me? That big, fat tub of lard."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(Ralph just challenged Alice's Mom to a fight. He goes to the bedroom seconds later.)

Alice's Mom: "Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!"

Ralph (opening the door): "Crow! Crow! Crow!"

For all mothers out there, have a Happy Mother's Day!

Credit goes to Yahoo! Groups You're A Riot!