(Alice's parents are at home making dinner.)

Alice's Dad: "When is Alice and Ralph coming?"

Alice's Mom: "Alice, and that BUM of a husband should be coming any minute now. I hope he doesn't eat like a pig at the table."

(The Kramdens arrive.)

Alice: "Mom."

Alice's Mom: "How are you doing Alice?"

Alice: "Happy Mother's Day."

(Ralph looks to be less than pleased to be there.)

Ralph: "Hiya Mom!"

Alice's Dad: "I hope this dinner turns out good."

Alice's Mom: "I hope there's enough food for EVERYONE."

Ralph: "Ooooooh."

Alice: "Ralph. Get the 'things' out of the car. If you know what I mean."

Ralph: "Oooh, would I like to go back in the car."

(Later on.)

Alice's Mom: "One wish I would want one day is for Alice to come up to me and say: 'Mother, I am pregnant.' Except the only one I see pregnant around here is..."

(Ralph rams his fist into his palm.)

Alice: "Ma. Why don't we open the gifts now?"

(Alice's Mother opens the gifts. First is a card from Ralph.)

Alice's Mom: "Hey, this one is great."

(She reads it.)

Alice's Mom: "Love Sonny Boy. I never knew you thought of me."

Ralph: "You are not a bad old crow at that. I will say that."

Alice's Mom: "Fragrance from Ralph & Alice. This is great. Now, I can smell better. Well, Ralph I sm sorry for what I said earlier. You are not as cheap and selfish like I said to you earlier."

Ralph: "That is okay mother. Me and Alice would you know...but last time I did it, I broke my side of the bed. The people below us thought we were going to fall through. Ha ha ha. Too bad McGarrity lives upstairs and not downstairs. I would love to flatten him."

Alice: "Well, now that we have a stronger headboard and footboard..."

Ralph: "Yeah. Well, Mother's Day is a very special day. All mothers now matter what their sexual orientation should celebrate."

(They all sing a song about Mother's Day.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. How sweet it is."

(Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "I hope all the mothers have a happy Mothers Day."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "The Miami Beach audiences are the GREATEST. GOOD NIGHT."

(Audience cheers.)

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large":

(The crooks are in the apartment. Ralph picks up a water pistol.)

Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT! STICK 'EM UP! GET 'EM UP!"

(The crooks get their arms up. Knock on door.)

Ralph (yells): "WHO IS IT?"

Tommy (from outside): "It's me Tommy. Do you have my water pistol in there?"

"Safety Award":

Ed: "Can I wear this hankerchef?"

Ralph: "It's one of my new ones. Remember, it's for showing, not blowing."

"Boys & Girls Together":

Alice (hugging Ralph): "Maye it's better with the lights on so that way I can see my big handsome man."

(Alice kisses Ralph.)

Ralph: "Have you been at that beer?"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed (reading an astrology book): "Taurus the Bull shows wisdom in all money manners and is attractive to the opposite sex."

Ralph: "That's me all right."

"Two Men On A Horse":

Ed: "We Racoons do a lot of things for this communitty."

Alice: "Name one."

Ed: "Last year, we planted a bush in the park."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Alice: "Ralph, do you know what time it is?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11pm."

Alice: "Yeah. Three hours after 11pm."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "On opening day, when the stand is jam packed with customers and photographers are lining up all over the joint, you won't be in the pictures."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

Ralph (yells): "3AM? WHAT DID YOU GET ME UP AT THIS TIME FOR?"

Alice: "The Nortons had thier apartment painted today."

Ralph (yells): "DID THAT NEWSFLASH JUST COME ACROSS THE RADIO?"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ralph: "It is times like this when I realize how selfish you are. You know the condition I am in. You know I can't do anything by myself."

Alice: "How did you get out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."