"The Main Event":

Ralph: "I would have given my life to be a jockey but I was a little too heavy."

Alice: "A little too heavy? You are too fat to be a horse Ralph."

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ralph invites Alice to come along so he can get money for the convention. Alice was going to give him the money anyway. The men are upset that they know that Alice, and subsequently Trixie are coming along.)

Ed: "Can I ask you a question? How do you get us in these fixes?"

Ralph: "Very simple. Very simple Norton." (yells): "I HAVE A BIIIIIIG MOUTH!"

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph is trying to scrape money to make up for the lodge money he lost.)

Ralph: "All I could scrape together was $6."

Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's wedding ring?"

Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $6 from?"

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I will duck."

(Ed throws a punch and hits Ralph.)

Ed: "Hey, that's some ducking Ralph. I can never hit you the second time."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ed: "Now listen Ralph, as long as we are neighbors, you don't have to call me Norton. Call me Edwardo."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "Ralph, I told my boss that I am not married and that I live with my brother. So, when he gets here tonight, you are my brother."

(Ralph walks into the bedroom.)

Ralph (coming out, yells): "WHAT?"

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many times have I been held up while on the job?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "The first five, they got nothing."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(The Kramdens and Nortons are in the lemon that is their cottage.)

Ralph: "What do you think is the first thing we should do here?"

Alice: "Burn it down."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."

Ralph: "What question was that?"

Ed: "My name."