"On Stage":

Ed (reading the script): "'I don't possess a mansion, a villa in France, a yacht, or a string of...'" (mispronouncing):"...'poloponies.'"

Ralph (reading the script): "'I feel very...'" (not reading): "String of..." (mispronouncing): "...poloponies?"

Ed: "It says so right here."

(Ralph looks.)

Ralph (yells): "THAT'S POLO PONIES."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "All right. We'll flip a coin to see where the set goes. Gimme a coin."

(Ed gives Ralph a coin.)

Ralph: "All right. Heads, I win. Tails, you lose. Right?"

(Ralph flips.)

Ralph: "Tails, you lose."

Ed: "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. If you don't mind, will you mind giving me back my coin?"

"Lost Job":

(Ralph just told Ed that he lost his job. Ralph and Alice just declined a request to go out with the Nortons. It was going to be Ed's treat.)

Alice: "We got to hold on to the money that we have."

Ed: "I know how you feel pal. I remember when I was a kid, my father lost his job. He was out of work for years. We didn't have anything. We were very poor. I didn't even have a toy to play with. Then, I remember one Easter; an uncle of mine comes to the house. He gave me one of those candy rabbits. Boy, I loved it. I played with it. I showed to everybody. Finally, it got so dirty that I had to eat it."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "Alice, where's my shoehorn?"

Alice: "It's in the top, left-hand drawer."

(Ralph looks.)

Ralph: "It's not in the top-hand, left-hand drawer."

Alice: "It must be there."

Ralph: "It must be. It must be but it's not. Don't say 'It must be' Alice. What you mean is maybe. Not must be, maybe."

(Alice looks in the drawer and finds it.)

Alice: "This must be it, maybe."

"Stand-In For Murder Part 1":

(Nick and another man see Ralph so they can get him a job in which he will be killed.)

Ralph: "I have been driving for the Gotham Bus Company for 14 years and I hate to leave that job if this job wasn't steady."

Nick: "Steady?"

Man: "I'll tell you, you will have this job for as long as you live."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "This poolroom isn’t big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom isn’t big enough for you and anybody."

"Santa & The Bookies":

(Lefty and his boss just picked Ralph for their Santa.)

Lefty: "We sure picked ourselves a beaut."

Lefty's Boss: "When Easter comes, we can use him for a bunny."

"Run, Santa, Run":

(Ralph is in his Santa suit.)

Ralph: "If I do real good, can you get me a job as an Easter bunny?"

Sidney (aka "Mr. Smith #1"): "If you do real goo,d I will give you a job in February as a Groundhog."

"Petticoat Jungle":

(Ralph is showing the girls the "rabbit" he killed. The "rabbit" doesn't even look real. It looks like something you would find in a kids' room.)

Trixie: "This (the "rabbit") is what you came to Africa for?"

Alice: "What was he doing when you shot him, coloring Easter eggs?"

Now on for my skit:

(Ralph is getting ready to go to H&R Block to get his taxes done on April 15.)

Alice: "Ralph, I think you are stupid for waiting until the last minute to get your taxes done."

Ralph: "Alice, I told you that I had no choice. I have been busy during this whole tax season. I have my job, the Raccoon Lodge, the Hurricanes Bowling Team, eating. I haven't had any free time."

Alice: "Ooh Ralph. You got to set your priorities straight."

Ralph: "I have and if you burn me any more up, you will go STRAIGHT to MARS."

(Ed comes down.)

Ed: "Are you ready Ralph? Time to get our taxes done."

Ralph: "I am ready Ed. Away we go."

(They leave. Audience cheers.)

(Meanwhile in midtown New York, the taxi cab that Ed & Ralph are taking are in is stuck in traffic. The H&R Block office is closing in 50 minutes.)

Ralph: "What a development this is."

Ed: "I know. I hate being stuck in traffic. It's bad enough that I have to hear it while I am at work while I am below it."

Ralph: "This is all your fault Norton. I wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for you."

Ed: "What do you mean?"

Ralph: "If I didn't have to hang out with you, I would have gotten my taxes done sooner. I can't do my taxes myself. Neither can you."

Ed: "Don't worry Ralph. The jails are full of people who don't pay taxes."

Ralph: "Boy, are you going to get it. Listen, we got to get out now and run for it."

Ed: "We can't. You will get a heart attack if you run and this driver may be Ben Bailey. He might ask us to play Cash Cab."

Ralph: "Driver, we will pay now. We are late. These are our fairs."

(They run to the H&R Block office to get thier taxes done. Ralph stops every five seconds and is sweaty.)

(They finally arrive at the H&R Block office.)

H&R: "This office will close in a half-hour, but I will stay overtime to help you two finish."

Both: "Good."

(They got their taxes done. All they have to do now is file them.)

Ed: "Ralph, it's 8pm. The IRS office closes at 11:30p."

Ralph: "Hey, we have time. Let's play some pool."

(When they are playing pool, they get challenged by a pool hustler to two games. Because of that, they get done at 11:20pm. They run to the IRS office.)

Ralph: "This is your fault Norton. If you talked me out of pool playing, we would have never gotten in this spot."

(They run to the IRS office. They file their taxes in time.)

Ralph: "We did it. We are both getting refunds."

Ed: "Yes, 11 cent refunds. The IRS is great and so is this country."

(They both sing a song about the IRS.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "GOOD NIGHT!"