JamesG
04-02-2009, 04:13 PM
Looking for the best sports movies ever? You're in the wrong gym, son. We've got a keener eye for the most poorly cast non-athletes, the most unbelievable action and the most unwarranted sequels -- of which there are leagues -- in sports-movie history.
Here's our definitive list of the 25 biggest whiffs, airballs and unforced errors of all time -- in other words, the worst sports movies ever. -- By Adam Duerson
25. Days of Thunder (1990)
In essence, director Tony Scott tried to replicate his past success with Tom Cruise in Top Gun by replacing jet fighters with stock cars, Kelly McGillis with Nicole Kidman (as, laughably, a brain surgeon) and Val Kilmer with the anatomically inferior Cary Elwes. Yet somehow the success didn't translate. Shocker. We cite the complete lack of oiled-up beach volleyball scenes, the absence of a Kenny Loggins soundtrack and, ultimately, a lazy script.
24. The Legend of Bagger Vance (1999)
Will Smith drew much ire for his title character, the sunshiney caddy to Matt Damon's golf pro, a younger Mr. Miyagi spouting fortune cookie wisdom in a Southern drawl. (Oddly, there's little allusion to racism in the 1930s Deep South.) But most of the blame for this golf gaffe goes to the screenwriters who managed to suck all of the life out of the game. Appropriately, Vance walks away right in the middle of the climactic match. You'll want to do the same.
23. The Babe Ruth Story (1948)
William Bendix stars as the Babe in this biopic that was pushed into theaters while the slugger was still alive (he died in August '48). Unfortunately, it shows -- the movie is a puff piece that ignores the facts, namely that Ruth could often be an obnoxious lout. But don't go looking for a better picture of the home run hitter in the '92 flick starring John Goodman; that one's just as inaccurate, except it goes to the other extreme, making the Bambino look all bad. Babe, we hardly knew ye.
22. Rookie of the Year (1993)
Your typical superhero story: 12-year-old Henry Rowengartner suffers a freak accident, but instead of invisibility or flying powers he gains a rocket of an arm, which suits him well in baseball. ROTY blows its potential by playing Henry's naivete for broad humor -- like the scenes in Spider-Man where Peter Parker can't quite get the gist of his web-slinging -- and veers into superhero farce, a la Teen Wolf. What were you expecting from first- (and last-) time director Daniel Stern?
21. Wimbledon (2004)
It's tough to decide which is less believable, the chemistry between leads Paul Bettany and Kirsten Dunst or the tennis-playing ability of the latter, who nailed only half of her role as a bratty American tennis pro (guess which half?). Perhaps someone thought the score of "love, love" in a courtside romantic comedy would be adorable, not realizing that in tennis, love equals zero (insert your own "zero" joke here).
20. Radio (2003)
Quoth a very un-PC Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder: "Everybody knows you never go full ******." Cuba Gooding Jr. broke that cardinal rule in this painfully and determinedly "inspirational" drama. What does it inspire? A sense of exploitation, and a whole lot of discomfort watching one-time Oscar winner Gooding Jr. fall farther from grace. We're pretty sure no one has ever used Radio, "Cuba Gooding Jr." and "Oscar" in the same breath.
19. Gridiron Gang (2006)
Somewhere back in the early 2000s someone went into a movie producer's office and pitched this: Dangerous Minds meets The Longest Yard meets Menace II Society starring the Rock. To lift an Entourage line, "Is that something you would be interested in?" If so, let us point you towards Coach Carter, Pride or any of the other number of superior and similarly themed movies made in the past five years.
18. Driven (2001)
It would be giving director Renny Harlin too much credit to assume he was trying to make Sylvester Stallone look good by surrounding him with incompetent actors in this overly CG'ed open-wheel racing pic, but that's the effect it had. Even Kip Pardue and Burt Reynolds maintain some dignity when compared to the supremely untalented starlet Estella Warren, who would win a Razzie for her, ahem, performance.
17. Angels in the Outfield (1994)
A deadbeat dad promising his son familial bliss if the local ball club wins its league pennant is sadistic enough. But throw in a handful of slapstick angels to egg the kid and the team on, and that's just downright inhumane. All this from the wholesome folks at Disney? Shame on them for, amongst other things, encouraging Tony Danza's movie career. We'll let this entry represent its two sequels as well.
16. Necessary Roughness (1991)
It's better on paper: that crazy black comedian all the kids love -- the one who's not Eddie Murphy (Sinbad); a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model (Kathy Ireland); SNL's obnoxious catchphrase machine -- "Fumblerooski! Fumble-rama!" (Rob Schneider); the guy from Quantum Leap (Scott Bakula); a bunch of pro athlete cameos ... But the whole is definitely less than the sum of its parts (a samurai linebacker? really?), and the zeroes-to-heroes theme brings nothing new to the table. We know every play-by-play before it happens.
15. Juwanna Mann (2002)
In the crossdresser genre this one ranks somewhere south of Ladybugs, right around White Chicks and Sorority Boys. That should be enough to send you running. If not then consider this: The entire movie is a vehicle for the then-new WNBA (they call it the WUBA), replete with a cast of WNBA, um, superstars. Ahhh ... There you go. Juwanna Mann now?
14. The Benchwarmers (2006)
These days pretty much anything labeled "produced by -- but not starring -- Adam Sandler" should be dismissed without hesitation. For all the success the Happy Madison crew had with golf, hockey, kickball and football in previous Sandler vehicles, this one's about as enticing as an asbestos sandwich. Blame Sandler for deferring to hacks like David Spade and Rob Schneider, and for not doing his research on Jon Heder. The kid can play Napoleon Dynamite, that's it.
13. D3: The Mighty Ducks (1996)
The first one had pluck, but this one represents the overindulgence of a franchise that spawned four movies (the fourth one was completely re-cast), an animated television show and its own professional hockey team. Consider D3 a victim of the X-Men effect: When you accrue so many new characters over three movies there's hardly enough time to squeeze in a moment with each. And if that means less Goldberg fart jokes, we're not buying.
12. Who's Your Caddy? (2007)
A bad-movie checklist: Pun title; callously handled race issues; and a cast that includes two or more rap artists. Check, check, chickity-check. Even the folks behind Caddyshack II would be ashamed of this Bushwood Country Club-inspired farce, which stars Lil' Wayne and Outkast's Big Boi. If there's a saving grace, it's Jeffrey Jones channeling Ferris Bueller's Day Off's Principal Rooney as a country club owner. Still, among golf movies it's far below par.
11. The Next Karate Kid (1994)
No, Title IX isn't to blame for this one. Hilary Swank nabbed her first leading role here because Ralph Macchio was 32, thus not a "kid." (And apparently there wasn't a boy in the world who could fill his shoes.) It would take five years of us forgetting before she took the boy-girl divide to a new level. Fast figure: The Next Karate Kid made just $1 for every $42 the other three parts of the series generated.
10. Celtic Pride (1996)
Judd Apatow was still refining his slacker comedy shtick when he penned this stinker with then-SNL cast member Colin Quinn. He had a long way to go. The concept was pretty improbable (two Celtics fanatics kidnap an opponent's star player on the eve of game 7 of the NBA finals) and the jokes all missed their mark. The timing couldn't have been worse for Celtics fans, who at the time were enduring the worst two-year stretch in team history.
9. Major League II (1994)
Part 1 dabbled in stereotyping. This one bathed in it. The black guy (Omar Epps) is a narcissist on par with Rickey Henderson. The white guy (Eric Bruskotter) is the definition of stupid Southerner. And the South American (Dennis Haysbert) and Japanese (Takaaki Ishibasji) guys do wacky South American and Japanese stuff. The theme -- the team lacks motivation to go through with the whole charade again -- mirrors the production itself. In Uecker terms: "A swingandamiss."
8. Johnny Be Good (1988)
Anthony Michael Hall's work in the late 1980s falls neatly into one of two piles. Sixteen Candles, Weird Science, Breakfast Club: good. Really good. And then there's the pile that includes his work on Saturday Night Live ... and this. Our biggest problem: We just can't wrap our brains around Farmer Ted, the prototype '80s nerd, playing an oversexed star quarterback. A broken play from the start.
7. Eddie (1996)
Here's the gist: The New York Knicks have a new owner. He's cerrr-razy -- as suggested, ever so subtly, by his nickname, "Crazy." How crazy is he, you ask? Sooo crazy that he plucks an obnoxious fan, Whoopi Goldberg, from the arena and makes her his coach. Pile on a slew of cameos by real NBA players, and there's your movie. Eat it up, America! We'll take five more helpings of Sister Act before we ever stomach this one again.
6. Bad News Bears Go to Japan (1978)
Ditching Walter Matthau for the first sequel, Bad News Bears in Breaking Training, was a serious mistake. But this third installment went a step further by giving the ol' heave-ho to Agilar, Ogilvie, Lupus and Tanner Boyle. In other words, the Bad News Bears weren't that bad anymore -- especially with ringleader Kelly Leak off chasing Japanese tail. It would take 17 years and a Billy Bob Thornton remake for the bad taste from this one to go away.
5. Ed (1996)
Perhaps someone at NBC should have screened this gem before greenlighting Joey, which would later become star Matt LeBlanc's short-lived Friends spinoff. LeBlanc, as a minor leaguer with a baseball-playing monkey roommate, gets out-acted by an animatronic (in most scenes) chimp with a farting problem. As one of Joey Tribianni's film projects on Friends, that's a riotous premise. As a real movie, not so much.
4. The Main Event (1979)
The word "rocky" comes to mind, and we're not talking Balboa. Ryan O'Neal and Barbra Streisand played it safe by keeping this one far more rom-com than boxing movie -- and yet they still managed to embarrass the sport. Streisand set females in the boxing gym back ages with her "It's so hard being a woman in a man's world" routine, and O'Neal's preening was enough to make you want to sock him in the face, too.
3. Rollerball (2002)
Pick one, director John McTiernan: over-the-top violent actioner or nuanced message movie. Instead the auteur abandoned his Die Hard roots and sculpted a teenager's delight akin to an extreme Mountain Dew commercial. Norman Jewison's 1975 original looks like Sophie's Choice compared to this dreck on wheels. The "rollerball" scenes evoke nothing more than Sunday afternoon rollerblading in Central Park.
2. Caddyshack II (1988)
A few trailers for the 1980 original featured Chevy Chase cracking, "Better than Caddyshack II." Oh, if he only knew. In short, Jackie Mason proved no Rodney Dangerfield, Robert Stack no Ted Knight, Dan Aykroyd no Bill Murray and Jonathan Silverman no Michael O'Keefe. Of those who did return, Chase half-assed his Ty Webb (zero quotable lines); Kenny Loggins' follow-up theme was far inferior; and the dancing gopher suddenly talked. Not cool on so many levels.
1. Rocky V (1990)
Otherwise known as the one that ended all discussion about which Rocky movie was the worst, this one left ol' Rocko destitute and brain-damaged, neither of which we ever needed to see. Real-life boxer Tommy "The Hitman" Morrison proved equal parts stiff and cheesy as the villain; and screenwriters went over the top with a character that spoofed Don King. Even star Sylvester Stallone pooh-poohed this one. He recently gave it a 0 out of 10.
http://www.moviefone.com/insidemovies/2009/04/02/worst-sports-movies/
Here's our definitive list of the 25 biggest whiffs, airballs and unforced errors of all time -- in other words, the worst sports movies ever. -- By Adam Duerson
25. Days of Thunder (1990)
In essence, director Tony Scott tried to replicate his past success with Tom Cruise in Top Gun by replacing jet fighters with stock cars, Kelly McGillis with Nicole Kidman (as, laughably, a brain surgeon) and Val Kilmer with the anatomically inferior Cary Elwes. Yet somehow the success didn't translate. Shocker. We cite the complete lack of oiled-up beach volleyball scenes, the absence of a Kenny Loggins soundtrack and, ultimately, a lazy script.
24. The Legend of Bagger Vance (1999)
Will Smith drew much ire for his title character, the sunshiney caddy to Matt Damon's golf pro, a younger Mr. Miyagi spouting fortune cookie wisdom in a Southern drawl. (Oddly, there's little allusion to racism in the 1930s Deep South.) But most of the blame for this golf gaffe goes to the screenwriters who managed to suck all of the life out of the game. Appropriately, Vance walks away right in the middle of the climactic match. You'll want to do the same.
23. The Babe Ruth Story (1948)
William Bendix stars as the Babe in this biopic that was pushed into theaters while the slugger was still alive (he died in August '48). Unfortunately, it shows -- the movie is a puff piece that ignores the facts, namely that Ruth could often be an obnoxious lout. But don't go looking for a better picture of the home run hitter in the '92 flick starring John Goodman; that one's just as inaccurate, except it goes to the other extreme, making the Bambino look all bad. Babe, we hardly knew ye.
22. Rookie of the Year (1993)
Your typical superhero story: 12-year-old Henry Rowengartner suffers a freak accident, but instead of invisibility or flying powers he gains a rocket of an arm, which suits him well in baseball. ROTY blows its potential by playing Henry's naivete for broad humor -- like the scenes in Spider-Man where Peter Parker can't quite get the gist of his web-slinging -- and veers into superhero farce, a la Teen Wolf. What were you expecting from first- (and last-) time director Daniel Stern?
21. Wimbledon (2004)
It's tough to decide which is less believable, the chemistry between leads Paul Bettany and Kirsten Dunst or the tennis-playing ability of the latter, who nailed only half of her role as a bratty American tennis pro (guess which half?). Perhaps someone thought the score of "love, love" in a courtside romantic comedy would be adorable, not realizing that in tennis, love equals zero (insert your own "zero" joke here).
20. Radio (2003)
Quoth a very un-PC Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder: "Everybody knows you never go full ******." Cuba Gooding Jr. broke that cardinal rule in this painfully and determinedly "inspirational" drama. What does it inspire? A sense of exploitation, and a whole lot of discomfort watching one-time Oscar winner Gooding Jr. fall farther from grace. We're pretty sure no one has ever used Radio, "Cuba Gooding Jr." and "Oscar" in the same breath.
19. Gridiron Gang (2006)
Somewhere back in the early 2000s someone went into a movie producer's office and pitched this: Dangerous Minds meets The Longest Yard meets Menace II Society starring the Rock. To lift an Entourage line, "Is that something you would be interested in?" If so, let us point you towards Coach Carter, Pride or any of the other number of superior and similarly themed movies made in the past five years.
18. Driven (2001)
It would be giving director Renny Harlin too much credit to assume he was trying to make Sylvester Stallone look good by surrounding him with incompetent actors in this overly CG'ed open-wheel racing pic, but that's the effect it had. Even Kip Pardue and Burt Reynolds maintain some dignity when compared to the supremely untalented starlet Estella Warren, who would win a Razzie for her, ahem, performance.
17. Angels in the Outfield (1994)
A deadbeat dad promising his son familial bliss if the local ball club wins its league pennant is sadistic enough. But throw in a handful of slapstick angels to egg the kid and the team on, and that's just downright inhumane. All this from the wholesome folks at Disney? Shame on them for, amongst other things, encouraging Tony Danza's movie career. We'll let this entry represent its two sequels as well.
16. Necessary Roughness (1991)
It's better on paper: that crazy black comedian all the kids love -- the one who's not Eddie Murphy (Sinbad); a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model (Kathy Ireland); SNL's obnoxious catchphrase machine -- "Fumblerooski! Fumble-rama!" (Rob Schneider); the guy from Quantum Leap (Scott Bakula); a bunch of pro athlete cameos ... But the whole is definitely less than the sum of its parts (a samurai linebacker? really?), and the zeroes-to-heroes theme brings nothing new to the table. We know every play-by-play before it happens.
15. Juwanna Mann (2002)
In the crossdresser genre this one ranks somewhere south of Ladybugs, right around White Chicks and Sorority Boys. That should be enough to send you running. If not then consider this: The entire movie is a vehicle for the then-new WNBA (they call it the WUBA), replete with a cast of WNBA, um, superstars. Ahhh ... There you go. Juwanna Mann now?
14. The Benchwarmers (2006)
These days pretty much anything labeled "produced by -- but not starring -- Adam Sandler" should be dismissed without hesitation. For all the success the Happy Madison crew had with golf, hockey, kickball and football in previous Sandler vehicles, this one's about as enticing as an asbestos sandwich. Blame Sandler for deferring to hacks like David Spade and Rob Schneider, and for not doing his research on Jon Heder. The kid can play Napoleon Dynamite, that's it.
13. D3: The Mighty Ducks (1996)
The first one had pluck, but this one represents the overindulgence of a franchise that spawned four movies (the fourth one was completely re-cast), an animated television show and its own professional hockey team. Consider D3 a victim of the X-Men effect: When you accrue so many new characters over three movies there's hardly enough time to squeeze in a moment with each. And if that means less Goldberg fart jokes, we're not buying.
12. Who's Your Caddy? (2007)
A bad-movie checklist: Pun title; callously handled race issues; and a cast that includes two or more rap artists. Check, check, chickity-check. Even the folks behind Caddyshack II would be ashamed of this Bushwood Country Club-inspired farce, which stars Lil' Wayne and Outkast's Big Boi. If there's a saving grace, it's Jeffrey Jones channeling Ferris Bueller's Day Off's Principal Rooney as a country club owner. Still, among golf movies it's far below par.
11. The Next Karate Kid (1994)
No, Title IX isn't to blame for this one. Hilary Swank nabbed her first leading role here because Ralph Macchio was 32, thus not a "kid." (And apparently there wasn't a boy in the world who could fill his shoes.) It would take five years of us forgetting before she took the boy-girl divide to a new level. Fast figure: The Next Karate Kid made just $1 for every $42 the other three parts of the series generated.
10. Celtic Pride (1996)
Judd Apatow was still refining his slacker comedy shtick when he penned this stinker with then-SNL cast member Colin Quinn. He had a long way to go. The concept was pretty improbable (two Celtics fanatics kidnap an opponent's star player on the eve of game 7 of the NBA finals) and the jokes all missed their mark. The timing couldn't have been worse for Celtics fans, who at the time were enduring the worst two-year stretch in team history.
9. Major League II (1994)
Part 1 dabbled in stereotyping. This one bathed in it. The black guy (Omar Epps) is a narcissist on par with Rickey Henderson. The white guy (Eric Bruskotter) is the definition of stupid Southerner. And the South American (Dennis Haysbert) and Japanese (Takaaki Ishibasji) guys do wacky South American and Japanese stuff. The theme -- the team lacks motivation to go through with the whole charade again -- mirrors the production itself. In Uecker terms: "A swingandamiss."
8. Johnny Be Good (1988)
Anthony Michael Hall's work in the late 1980s falls neatly into one of two piles. Sixteen Candles, Weird Science, Breakfast Club: good. Really good. And then there's the pile that includes his work on Saturday Night Live ... and this. Our biggest problem: We just can't wrap our brains around Farmer Ted, the prototype '80s nerd, playing an oversexed star quarterback. A broken play from the start.
7. Eddie (1996)
Here's the gist: The New York Knicks have a new owner. He's cerrr-razy -- as suggested, ever so subtly, by his nickname, "Crazy." How crazy is he, you ask? Sooo crazy that he plucks an obnoxious fan, Whoopi Goldberg, from the arena and makes her his coach. Pile on a slew of cameos by real NBA players, and there's your movie. Eat it up, America! We'll take five more helpings of Sister Act before we ever stomach this one again.
6. Bad News Bears Go to Japan (1978)
Ditching Walter Matthau for the first sequel, Bad News Bears in Breaking Training, was a serious mistake. But this third installment went a step further by giving the ol' heave-ho to Agilar, Ogilvie, Lupus and Tanner Boyle. In other words, the Bad News Bears weren't that bad anymore -- especially with ringleader Kelly Leak off chasing Japanese tail. It would take 17 years and a Billy Bob Thornton remake for the bad taste from this one to go away.
5. Ed (1996)
Perhaps someone at NBC should have screened this gem before greenlighting Joey, which would later become star Matt LeBlanc's short-lived Friends spinoff. LeBlanc, as a minor leaguer with a baseball-playing monkey roommate, gets out-acted by an animatronic (in most scenes) chimp with a farting problem. As one of Joey Tribianni's film projects on Friends, that's a riotous premise. As a real movie, not so much.
4. The Main Event (1979)
The word "rocky" comes to mind, and we're not talking Balboa. Ryan O'Neal and Barbra Streisand played it safe by keeping this one far more rom-com than boxing movie -- and yet they still managed to embarrass the sport. Streisand set females in the boxing gym back ages with her "It's so hard being a woman in a man's world" routine, and O'Neal's preening was enough to make you want to sock him in the face, too.
3. Rollerball (2002)
Pick one, director John McTiernan: over-the-top violent actioner or nuanced message movie. Instead the auteur abandoned his Die Hard roots and sculpted a teenager's delight akin to an extreme Mountain Dew commercial. Norman Jewison's 1975 original looks like Sophie's Choice compared to this dreck on wheels. The "rollerball" scenes evoke nothing more than Sunday afternoon rollerblading in Central Park.
2. Caddyshack II (1988)
A few trailers for the 1980 original featured Chevy Chase cracking, "Better than Caddyshack II." Oh, if he only knew. In short, Jackie Mason proved no Rodney Dangerfield, Robert Stack no Ted Knight, Dan Aykroyd no Bill Murray and Jonathan Silverman no Michael O'Keefe. Of those who did return, Chase half-assed his Ty Webb (zero quotable lines); Kenny Loggins' follow-up theme was far inferior; and the dancing gopher suddenly talked. Not cool on so many levels.
1. Rocky V (1990)
Otherwise known as the one that ended all discussion about which Rocky movie was the worst, this one left ol' Rocko destitute and brain-damaged, neither of which we ever needed to see. Real-life boxer Tommy "The Hitman" Morrison proved equal parts stiff and cheesy as the villain; and screenwriters went over the top with a character that spoofed Don King. Even star Sylvester Stallone pooh-poohed this one. He recently gave it a 0 out of 10.
http://www.moviefone.com/insidemovies/2009/04/02/worst-sports-movies/