"Honeymooners Christmas Party Part 2":

Ed: "Tomorrow my relatives are coming. They will be looking at the tree."

Trixie: "If I know your relatives, they will be sitting in the tree."

"Honeymooners Christmas Party Part 1":

(Alice finishes decorating the tree. Ralph notices.)

Alice: "You certainly were no help."

Ralph: "What do you mean? I picked out tree, didn't I?"

Alice: "But I carried it home, didn't I?"

"Santa & The Bookies":

Ralph: "I can get my friend to help me but I want to tell you. He's not as smart as I am."

"Mr. Smith #1": He's not as smart as you?"

Ralph: "Yes."

"Mr. Smith #2": "He's hired."

All from "Run, Santa, Run":

#1

Ed: "I am giving Trixie this perfume. I hope it smells good."

Ralph: "You mean you can't tell?"

Ed: "No, I don't have any sense of smell. You think I would work in the sewer if I did?"

#2

Ed: "I got a person who owes you money and as soon as I give it back, it is good as yours."

Ralph: "You are a pal Norton. Tell me, who owes you?"

Ed: "You do."

#3

(Ralph is looking in the want ads for a job.)

Ralph: "Here is a job. 'Salesman needed to sell vaccuum cleaners.'"

Ed: "That ain't for you. You don't have any vaccuum cleaners."

“Honeymooners X-Mas Special”:

#1

Alice’s Mom: “Where is Alice? The person that I said: ’30 years ago, you will marry that bum Ralph Kramden over my dead body.”

Ralph: “That is another promise that you didn’t keep.”

#2

Alice’s Mom: “Are you forgetting that my husband was in show business?”

Ralph: “Selling candy in a burlesque theater isn’t show business.”

#3

Alice’s Mom: “Don’t forget to hand Alice that check.”

Ralph: “What do you want me to do, tie a string around my finger?”

Alice’s Mom: “I got a better idea. Tie one around your neck.”

“Honeymooners Christmas Carol”:

#1

(Ralph tries to open the cot. He accidentally hurts his finger.)

Ralph (yells as he is holding his finger and going through some mannerisms): “AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!....OWWWWWWWW!...AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!”

(Ralph puts his hurt finger in a bowl of water.)

Alice: “Did you hurt yourself Ralph?”

Ralph: “What made you think that?”

Alice: “I got a hint from the…” (imitating Ralph’s mannerisms when he hurt his finger): “Owwwwwww!”

#2

Ralph: “The Cratchett’s are very poor. Their furniture is shabby. There is paint peeling off the ceiling and the walls. They got an old stove.”

Alice: “Wait a minute. Is the name Cratchett or Kramden?”

#3

(Ralph has Ed write down the fact that he swears that he will take Alice on vacation.)

Ralph: “’I Ralph Kramden being of sound mind…”

Alice: “Oh wait a minute. It’s 3am, you are standing here, you have Ed writing down what you are saying and you have the gall to say that you are a sound mind?”

Ed: “You are right Alice. He is nuts.”

All from "'Twas The Night Before Christmas":

#1:

Ralph: "Merry Christmas Norton. Anyway, I know it came from your heart."

Ed: "No, it didn't. It came from the Fat Man's Shop."

#2:

Ralph: "When they made me, they threw away the mold."

Ed: "They had to. You probably broke it."

#3

(Ralph puts Alice's present under the ice box.)

Alice: "Ralph, I put your present under there (under the ice box.)"

Ralph: "Here we are like a couple of kids. What did you get me?"

#4

Ralph (to Alice): "You know something sweetheart? Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up - red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas'. Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home - you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place your going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"

(Audience claps. Ralph stops the curtain from closing.)

Jackie (as himself): "Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, we usually don't step out of character, but tonight I think that it's proper that Mr. and Mrs. Kramden and Mr. Mrs. Norton wish everybody a Merry Christmas. Would
you come in here Norton?"

(The Nortons come out.)

Jackie: "There they are."

(Everyone bows to the crowd's applause.)

Credit goes to Yahoo! Groups You're A Riot!

Merry Christmas to all!