Frank Gannucci
12-22-2008, 11:41 PM
"Unconventional Behavior":
(Ralph invites Alice to come along so he can get money for the convention. Alice was going to give him the money anyway. The men are upset that they know that Alice, and subsequently Trixie are coming along.)
Ed: "Can I ask you a question? How do you get us in these fixes?"
Ralph: "Very simple. Very simple Norton." (yells): "I HAVE A BIIIIIIG MOUTH!"
"Two For The Money":
(Ralph is trying to scrape money to make up for the lodge money he lost.)
Ralph: "All I could scrape together was $6."
Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's wedding ring?"
Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $6 from?"
"Two Tickets To The Fight":
Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I will duck."
(Ed throws a punch and hits Ralph.)
Ed: "Hey, that's some ducking Ralph. I can never hit you the second time."
"Mama Loves Mambo":
Ed: "Now listen Ralph, as long as we are neighbors, you don't have to call me Norton. Call me Edwardo."
Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"
"Brother Ralph":
Alice: "Ralph, I told my boss that I am not married and that I live with my brother. So, when he gets here tonight, you are my brother."
(Ralph walks into the bedroom.)
Ralph (coming out, yells): "WHAT?"
"Two For The Money":
Ralph: "How many times have I been held up while on the job?"
Alice: "Six."
Ralph: "The first five, they got nothing."
Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."
"Cottage For Sale Part 2":
(The Kramdens and Nortons are in the lemon that is their cottage.)
Ralph: "What do you think is the first thing we should do here?"
Alice: "Burn it down."
"My Fair Landlord":
Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"
Ralph: "Why not now?"
Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."
Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"
"Sees All, Knows All":
Ralph: "Norton, I am not going to die."
Ed: "You mean never?"
Now on for my skit:
(The Kramdens & Nortons are in Miami Beach visiting Ed's parents on XMas Eve. A knock on the door is heard.)
(The person enters. It's Miley & Billy Ray Cyrus.)
(Audience cheers loudly.)
Ed: "Hey, I didn't know you..."
Ed's Mom: "We knew you are a big fan of Hannah, so we asked her and her father Billy Ray to come visit.)
Miley: "Hello Mr Norton. I understand you are a big fan of me and my dad."
Ralph: "Huminahuminahumina."
Ed: "I listen to you and your dad's music all the time. As a matter of fact, when you performed on the Today Show, I heard you from above me just before I got washed out."
Ralph: "He works in the sewer."
Billy Ray: "Well, that's a good job. I guess."
Ralph: "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Ralph Kramden and this is my wife Alice. Oh, look at the time. It's Christmas Day."
Miley: "I got an idea. Why don't we exchange presents now."
Ralph: "All right."
(They open presents.)
Alice: "Merry Christmas Ralph."
Ralph: "Open your gift Alice. You will love it."
(Alice opens it.)
Alice: "Ralph, it's beautiful."
Ralph: "Even with the bum economy, I thought I would you buy that. It's a expensive necklace from Kay's. Every kiss begins with Kay."
(They kiss.)
Ralph: "Mmmm. BOY!"
Alice's Mom: "Well, Ralph I am sorry for what I thought."
(The Nortons open their gifts.)
Trixie: "Ed, it's beautiful. Another necklace from Kay Jewelers."
Ed: "Trixie. I like the gift you gave me. It's a box set of Spongebob Squarepants DVD set."
(They kiss.)
Ralph: "You know people, I say this every year. But, Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up – red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas'. Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home – you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place you're going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"
(They all kiss. Audience cheers. The curtain starts to close, but Jackie stops it.)
Jackie: "Ladies and gentlemen, we don't normally step out of character this way, but I want to change things up. Let's introduce every one of the cast. First: Jean Kean."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Art Carney."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "And for our special guests, Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus."
(Audience cheers loudly.)
Jackie: "Wait a second. In honor of the Christmas season, all of us should sing: 'Silent Night.' So, Mr. Spear if you please. I hope you didn't get too tipsy with the eggnog."
(Everyone laughs.)
Jackie: "I know you like to drink."
(Everyone laughs.)
Jackie: "Away we go."
(Sammy Spear plays silent night.)
Everyone (sings): Silent night, holy night!
All is calm, all is bright.
Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child.
Holy infant so tender and mild,
Sleep in heavenly peace,
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Silent night, holy night!
Shepherds quake at the sight.
Glories stream from heaven afar
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia,
Christ the Savior is born!
Christ the Savior is born.
Silent night, holy night!
Son of God love's pure light.
Radiant beams from Thy holy face
With dawn of redeeming grace,
Jesus Lord, at Thy birth.
Jesus Lord, at Thy birth.
(They finish up the rest of the song. Audience applauds.)
Jackie: "Wait a minute. Miley has something to say."
Celine: "I agree with Jackie. The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST."
Jackie: "She is right. The Miami Beach audiences are the GREATEST. MERRY CHRISTMAS AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! HO HO HO!"
(The end.)
(AmericanLife TV):
(AmericanLife also has an OnDemand Service. This show might be one of the shows to watch.)
TV-G
All times are Eastern.
Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Shelia MacRae as Alice Kramden. Jean Kean as Trixie Norton.
Fri. Dec. 26 10p & Sat. Dec. 27, 2008 12a #43 (aka #197) – “Happiness Is a Rich Uncle”: Joey Heatherton guests as the go-go girl sweetheart of Alice's Uncle Howard (David Burns), an 83 year-old millionaire. Suspicious that she's gone-gone over Howard's gold, the Honeymooners decide to put Emily to the test -- with suave Norton as bait. (For Fri.: 4862. For Sat.: 60464.)
Fri. Jan. 2 10p & Sat. Jan. 3, 2009 12a #44 (aka #198) – “Hawaii, Oh! Oh!”: Donald O'Connor guests as a money minded maitre d' as the Honeymooners visit Hawaii. Charlie (Donald) and his bartender (Jeremiah Morris) oncoct a phony diet sauce guaranteed to slim down fatties. The missing ingredient: a sucker. Enter rotund Ralph. (For Fri.: 6260. For Sat.: 40668.)
(Note: TV Guide is saying that ALN will show this show at 2am on Sat. Dec. 27, but ALN's website says otherwise. If they do, the VCR Plus Code will be 611718. The episode will be the above one while Jan 2nd/3rd offering will be:#45 (aka #199) – “The Sun & Raccoon Capital”: The end of the harmonious Honeymooners quartet may be near. At the Miami convention of the Raccoons, it's election time. Opponents for the office of High Exalted Mystic Ruler? Ralph and Norton!
(WGN America) (Not WGN's Chicago feed) (WPIX) & (WPIXD):
(WGN America's episodes are in CC. WPIX & WPIXD are not for the Classic 39.)
TV-G
All times are Eastern.
Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.
Wed. Dec. 24, 2008 8p (also showing at 2p Jan 1st on WGN America & 1:30a on WPIX) #024 (aka #115) - "Please Leave The Premises": Ralph refuses to pay a rent increase of $5 a month and, to avoid eviction, barricades himself, Alice and Norton in the apartment. Its war, says Ralph, and he's the general of their army. But after a few days without heat, and the food supply reduced to only celery, General Kramden hatches a plan to get fresh grub from the neighborhood delicatessen. Mr. Johnson: Luis Van Rooten. (WGN America Wed.: 459279. Jan 1st.: 631197. WPIX & WPIXD: Unknown.)
8:30p (also showing at 2a Jan 1st on WGN America): #013 (aka #104) - "'Twas The Night Before XMas": The Kramdens exchange presents in a Christmas episode with an O. Henry twist. Ralph is particularly proud of the gift he has for Alice: a hairpin box made of 2000 matchsticks that, he's been told, was smuggled from the palace of the Emperor of Japan. DON'T MISS - This classic retelling of "The Gift of the Magi." (WGN America Wed: 438786. For Jan 1st: 617062.)
Sun. Dec. 28, 2008 12a #70 (aka #87) - *“Boys and Girls Together”: Alice and Trixie feel that Ralph and Norton do everything together and decide to join them. Ralph and Norton scheme to discourage their wives. (762698)
9p #71 (aka #50) – “This is Your Life (Part One)”: Ralph is chosen to be on the television program "This is Your Life," but it must be kept a secret from him. When Ralph sees Alice and the show's producer together, he thinks Alice is having an affair. (197916)
9:30p #72 – “This is Your Life (Part Two)”: Ralph and Norton find airline tickets in Alice's bag and believe she is planning to run away with the producer of "This is Your Life." (212799)
(TV Guide's website is not providing the VCR Plus Codes for WPIX & WPIXD for Jan. 1st.)
Wed. Dec. 31, 2008 8p (also showing at 6:30p Jan 1st on WPIX & WPIXD): #001 (aka #092) - "TV or Not TV": Ralph and Norton go partners on a new TV, but Ralph rigs a coin toss so the set stays in the Kramden apartment. It's not long before Ralph becomes a total zombie to the new medium, and all Norton wants to do is don his space helmet and watch "Captain Video." (944509)
8:30p (also showing 3:30p on WPIX & WPIXD): #002 (aka #093) - "Funny Money": Ralph finds a suitcase filled with money, enough, Norton says, to "keep him in pizza for the rest of his life." There's one slight problem: the money is counterfeit, and the gangsters who printed it want it back. Alice's Mother: Ethel Owen. Boss: Boris Aplon. Ziggy: Frank Marth. (
9p (also showing 3p on WPIX & WPIXD) #003 (aka #094) - "The Golfer": Hello, ball! That memorable salutation---delivered by Norton (Art Carney) as he shows the proper way to "address the ball"---has made "The Golfer" (first aired on Oct. 15, 1955) a favorite in the series canon. Ralph's trying to impress his boss by offering to join him in a foursome. Problem is, Ralph's never picked up a club in his life and learning to play in two days, he concedes, won't be easy---"It'd take me at least a week." That doesn't stop him from turning his kitchen into a fairway, using a pin cushion as a ball and, unforgettably, getting into the mood by donning an outlandish golfing outfit that is, to quote Norton, "dee-vine." DON'T MISS – Ed addressing the ball. (388054)
9:30p #004 (aka #095) - "A Woman's Work Is Never Done": Tired of Ralph's complaints about household chores not being done, Alice convinces him to hire a maid. But the new domestic is rapidly getting fed up taking orders from Norton and Ralph, or as she calls them, "the simp and the blimp." Thelma: Betty Garde. Wilson: Frank Marth. (470509)
10p (also showing 10a on WPIX & WPIXD) #005 (aka #096) - "A Matter of Life & Death": Ralph gets the idea in his head that he has six months to live, so he decides to sell his story to a magazine. But when he learns it's all a mistake and that he can be prosecuted for fraud, he enlists Norton to pose as a doctor ("don't touch me, I'm sterile") who can cure him of the dreaded "arterial monochromia." Publisher: George Petrie. (738035)
10:30p (also showing 12a on WPIX & WPIXD) #006 (aka #097) - "The Sleepwalker": Norton's sleepwalking becomes a waking nightmare for=2 0Ralph, who can't get any sleep because he's been asked to keep his pal from wandering off on late-night strolls around the neighborhood. Doctor: George Petrie. (747783)
11p (also showing 2p on WPIX & WPIXD) #007 (aka #098) - "Better Living Through TV": In a classic episode, Ralph and Norton g o on live TV in an attempt to sell the Handy Housewife Helper. The inspired (and ad-lib laden) "Better Living Through TV" (originally telecast Nov. 12, 1955) finds Ralph talking Norton into buying TV time so the two of them can go on the air and sell 2000 of the kitchen gadgets. The idea is for "Chef of the Future" Ralph to demonstrate to "Chef of the Past" Norton the many things the gizmo can do, such as open cans, remove corns and, of course, "core a apple." In the rehearsal, Ralph is the picture of calm, but as they prepare to go on the air, panic sets in and he warns a worrisome Ed: "Stop talking like that, nervous, you're going to get yourself all Norton." CLASSIC QUOTE - "Can it core a apple?" (390899)
11:30p (also showing 12:30a on WPIX & WPIXD) #008 (aka #099) - "Pal O' Mine": A great friendship is strained after a ring t hat Norton had planned to give a co-worker winds up stuck on Ralph's finger. The episode concludes with a classic hospital scene that contains a memorable one-word ad-lib by Norton, who's saying good-bye to a doctor. Teddy Oberman: Ned Glass. Doctor: John Seymour. Nurse: Abbie Lewis. (194702)
Thu. Jan. 1, 2009 12a (also showing 10:30a on WPIX & WPIXD) #009 (aka #100) - "Brother Ralph": A layoff at the bus company prompts Ralph and Alice to add up their total savings from all of their accounts ($12.83). That's reason enough for Alice to get a job, leaving Ralph to take care of the cooking and cleaning. But Ralph becomes really steamed after he discovers that her boss looks like a matinee idol---and that Alice told him that Ralph is her brother. (714771)
12:30a (also showing 1a on WPIX & WPIXD) #010 (aka #101) - "Hello Mom": Ralph and Alice Kramden (Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows) squabble over the impending arrival of Ralph's mother-in-law in this classic, and ultimately touching, episode. The king is told that his castle is soon to be invaded by Alice's mom. Ralph painfully remembers how his mother-in-law said at his wedding, "I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining a ton," and refuses to let her visit. But when Alice stands up to him and insists her mother's coming, Ralph decides to move in with the Nortons until the visit's over. Humor and poignancy meet in a conclusion that once again shows Alice, who sees beyond Ralph's insecurities, to be the bigger person. (391352)
1a #011 (aka #102) - "The Deciding Vote": Ralph's in a tight two-man election for the position of Raccoon convention manager and the deciding vote belongs to Norton. The episode contains a classic sight gag involving Ralph trying to clean a vacuum cleaner after it has failed "the oatmeal test." (535994)
1:30a (also showing 2:30a on WPIX & WPIXD) #012 (aka #103) - "Something Fishy": "I catch the fish," Ralph tells Alice, "you cook the fish. The only time we're together is when we eat the fish." Alice, however, has other ideas about Ralph and his lodge brothers worming their way out of taking the wives on the annual fishing trip. Ralph and Norton are desperate, so they angle for a way to leave Alice and Trixie behind. (250791)
2a #013 (aka #104) - "'Twas The Night Before XMas": The Kramdens exchange presents in a Christmas episode with an O. Henry twist. Ralph is particularly proud of the gift he has for Alice: a hairpin box made of 2000 matchsticks that, he's been told, was smuggled from the palace of the Emperor of Japan. DON'T MISS - This classic retelling of "The Gift of the Magi." (617062)
2:30a (also showing 6p on WPIX & WPIXD) #014 (aka #105) - "The Man From Space": Intending to take home first prize at the Raccoon Lodge's costume ball, Ralph---unable to wangle a loan from Norton---puts together his own costume and dubs himself "The Man From Space" in a memorable episode that was originally telecast Dec. 31, 1955. Angry with Norton (who's going as the Frenchman who "built the sewers of Paris") and obsessed with winning, Ralph appropriates an assortment of household items---including a faucet, a pot, a radio tube and the icebox door---to create a costume that will, he says, make Norton's rented outfit look like "a piece of French cheesecloth." The episode contains a classic example of Jackie Gleason's gift for ad-libbing when, unexpectedly; a piece of Ralph's costume falls off. "Let me have that," he improvises to Alice. "That's my denaturizer." (636197)
3a (also showing 3a on WPIX & WPIXD. Yes, it is going to be shown at the same time as WGN America) #015 (aka #106) - "A Matter of Record": In "A Matter of Record" (originally telecast Jan. 7, 1956), Ralph surprises Alice with tickets to a hit Broadway mystery, but with her mother coming "all the way from Bensonhurst" for a visit, she won't go. " Where's Bensonhurst, in New Zealand or something?" Ralph snaps back, upset that Alice is forsaking him for a visit from his nemesis. "She won't be in this apartment three minutes before she starts an argument," Ralph says. With that, Alice's mother arrives and Ralph proceeds to set an alarm clock for three minutes. Sure enough, she quickly insults Ralph about his weight, chides Alice for not marrying "a good provider" and, as the final straw, spills the beans about the ending of the play. Just as the alarm clock rings, Ralph erupts ("You are a blabbermouth!") and throws his mother-in-law out. But Alice leaves with her, prompting Ralph to take Norton's suggestion and record an apology to Alice in hopes of winning her forgiveness. (515130)
10a #016 (also showing 11a on WPIX & WPIXD) (aka #107) - "Oh My Aching Back": After telling Alice he was too tired to leave the apartment, Ralph---on the eve of his company physical---goes bowling, throws his back out and comes home hunched over, and looking, Norton says, like "the leaning tower of pizza." (234468)
10:30a (also showing 11:30a on WPIX & WPIXD) #017 (aka #108) - "The Baby-sitter": Ralph signals his displeasure when he learns that Alice had a telephone installed in the apartment. Then later, when he calms down, he overhears a telephone conversation and thinks that she is having an affair. (148062)
11a #018 (aka #109) - "The $99,000 Answer": Ralph Kramden's get-rich-quick schemes were a Honeymooners staple, but the pipe dream in "The $99,000 Answer"---which originally aired Jan. 28, 1956---may be the funniest. Convinced that he'll triumph on a quiz show, popular-music expert Ralph (Jackie Gleason) intensely prepares at home, aided by piano-playing pal Norton (Art Carney), who warms up for each song with a few bars of a familiar Stephen Foster melody. Of course, the second he's on live TV, Ralph's bravado vanishes. Going into the classic Kramden meltdown---the eyes bugging, the lips quivering, the tongue stuttering "hummina-hummina"---he's asked, for his first question, to identify the composer of "Swanee River." DON'T MISS - - Norton's introduction to every song on the piano. (702284)
11:30a (also showing 3:30a on WPIX & WPIXD) #019 (aka #110) - "Ralph Kramden Inc.": Ralph needs a loan from Norton, so he sells him a share of his future earnings as a corporation---Ralph Kramden, Inc. It's another con job by Ralph, of course, until he learns that an old woman with a $40 million estate died and left him in her will. That's enough for Norton, as an officer in the corporation, to remind Ralph about one "small detail"---that they need to bring a suitcase to the reading of the will to carry home the $40 million. (703913)
12p (also showing 4p on WPIX & WPIXD) #020 (aka #111) - "Young At Heart": Ralph wants to prove to Alice that he's still young at heart by learning dances like the Big Apple and the Suzie Q., which prompts Norton to ask: "How can anyone so round be so square?" But he's still determined, so the Kramdens and the Nortons decide to make a night of it by going roller-skating. Ralph on wheels at the rink makes for one of the series' classic scenes. Another has Norton teaching Ralph how to do the Hucklebuck. (162642)
12:30p (also showing 1p on WPIX & WPIXD) #021 (aka #112) - "A Dog's Life": Ralph gets another one of his half-baked ideas after he samples a tasty dish he found in his ice box in "A Dog's Life," which was originally telecast Feb. 18, 1956. Convinced that the unusual cracker-spread will satisfy the public's appetite for a snack that's new and different, Ralph asks his boss, Mr. Marshall, to taste the dish in the hope that he'll bankroll production. Ralph's even cooked up a name for the culinary delight: "KramMar's Delicious Mystery Appetizer." Marshall tries it and likes it, and asks Ralph if the recipe is exclusively his wife's or if Alice's mother helped out. "Anything she'd cook I wouldn't give to a dog," Ralph replies. But Marshall wants some other opinions, so he calls in his assistants for another taste test. (884352)
1p (also showing 9:30a on WPIX & WPIXD) #022 (aka #113) - "Here Comes The Bride": On the eve of his lodge brother Stanle y's marriage to Alice's sister, Ralph---the self-proclaimed "king of [his] castle"---gives his future brother-in-law marital advice. Furious that Stanley has agreed to live with Alice's parents, Ralph instructs him to put his foot down. "I don't want to argue," he tells Ralph, prompting Norton to reply: "If you don't want to argue, what are you getting married for?" (968913)
1:30p (also showing 7:30p on WPIX & WPIXD) #023 (aka #114) - "Mama Loves Mambo": A dance teacher moves into the building and has all the husbands kicking up a fuss. Ralph and Norton had the idea that Carlos Sanchez was an old man who might like to relax with a game of checkers. He's not---bachelor Carlos is suave and handsome, and worse, is giving their wives mambo lessons in the Kramdens' apartment. Sanchez: Charles Korvin. (883623)
2p #024 (aka #115) - "Please Leave The Premises": Ralph refuses to pay a rent increase of $5 a month and, to avoid eviction, barricades himself, Alice and Norton in the apartment. Its war, says Ralph, and he's the general of their army. But after a few days without heat, and the food supply reduced to only celery, General Kramden hatches a plan to get fresh grub from the neighborhood delicatessen. Mr. Johnson: Luis Van Rooten. (631197)
2:30p (also showing 4am on WPIX & WPIXD) #025 (aka #116) - "House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"): Alice accepts a department store's offer to redecorate their apartment for free. She wants to surprise Ralph, so she arranges to secretly meet with the decorator---who then makes the mistake of leaving one of his gloves in the flat. When Ralph finds the glove, he suspects Alice of having an affair. Andre: Alexander Clark. (364913)
3p #026 (aka #117) - "Young Man With A Horn": The discovery of his old cornet and an unexpected visit by a self-made millionaire prompt Ralph to wonder why he hasn't achieved more success and hit the "high note" in his life. As a result, he decides to make a list of his good points and do something to correct his bad ones. (610604)
3:30p (also showing 12p on WPIX & WPIXD) #027 (aka #118) - “Ralph’s Big Mouth” (aka "Head of The House"): In the hilarious "Head of the House" (originally telecast March 31, 1956), Ralph marks his "emancipation" as king of his castle by sitting down with Norton to finish a bottle of wine that is "a little strong but good." Their first toast, Ralph says, is "to my wife, who has finally found her place." Actually, what Alice found was a bottle of grape juice, which she substituted for the wine. When the men get plastered and pass out, Trixie and Alice pour their own drinks and make their own toasts. "I give you our husbands," says Trixie. "You can have 'em," says Alice. The wine-and-grape-juice scene, Art Carney recalled, was one of his favorites. "We really were laughing at each other...because we were supposed to be laughing...crocked and everything. Funny scene." (336130)
4p (also showing 12:30p on WPIX & WPIXD) #028 (aka #119) - "The Worry Wart": Ralph's nerves are taxed when he gets a letter requesting his presence at the IRS office. Alice tries to calm him by reminding him that many people have their returns reviewed. "You're darn right," Norton agrees. "The jails are full of them." Norton, in fact, is helping Ralph review the business deductions he made on his returns and then lends his buddy moral support by accompanying him to the IRS office. (355265)
4:30p (also showing 1:30p on WPIX & WPIXD) #029 (aka #120) - "Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"): While leaving the pool hall, Ralph witnesses a bank robbery and takes a bullet through his hat. That's reason enough for him to believe that the thugs will come gunning for him, so Norton tells his on-edge pal to just relax and watch some TV. "What's playing tonight?" Ralph asks. Norton's reply: "Dead Men Tell No Tales." Bibbo: Frank Marth. Danny: George Petrie. (351449)
5p (also showing 1a Jan. 5 on WPIX & WPIXD) #030 (aka #121) - "The Loudspeaker": Ralph thinks he'll be named Raccoon of the Year,20so he begins writing his acceptance speech (if he could only get rid of his hiccups). It's a very distinctive honor, he reminds the skeptical Alice, because it entitles the two of them to "free burial privileges in the Raccoons' national cemetery in Bismarck, North Dakota." (For WGN Ameirca: 622449. For WPIX: 22704. For WPIXD: 19124)
5:30p #031 (aka #122) - "On Stage": "Polo ponies." "On Stage" (originally telecast April 28, 1956) actually began, says co-writer Leonard Stern, "with that one word...and we built a whole sketch around it." And it's that single word---pronounced by Norton (Art Carney) to rhyme with monopolies---that has almost single-handedly made this a favorite among Honeymooners fans. The episode begins with Ralph getting a juicy part in a play being mounted by the Raccoon Lodge's Women's Auxiliary. Suddenly Ralph is strutting around like the Barrymore of Bensonhurst and entertaining dreams that a Hollywood producer in the audience will offer him a contract. But before the actual performance, there's a rehearsal with Norton---and that word---to contend with. (335401)
6p (also showing 4:30p on WPIX & WPIXD) #032 (aka #129) - "Dial J For Janitor": Ralph can't seem to pipe down about the failures of his building's janitor. Then he finds out that the position pays $150 a month with free rent---and decides to take the job himself. Now the most gripes are coming from Norton, who says he hasn't had water in his apartment for so long that he's beginning to "see mirages." Mr. Johnson: Luis Van Rooten. Mrs. Manicotti: Zamah Cunningham. (365642)
6:30p #033 (aka #123) - "Opportunity Knocks, But": When Mr. Marshall asks him for a lesson in shooting pool, Ralph believes that his social visit to his boss's Park Avenue home is the cue for his finally advancing in the company. But it's Norton who racks up points in "Opportunity Knocks But," which originally aired May 5, 1956. The pool lesson just gets under way when Norton---not Ralph---starts offering suggestions about making improvements at the company. Impressed, Marshall offers him a job as "Bus Driver Supervisor." Marshall says he likes a man who can think on his feet, but as an enraged Ralph later tells Alice: "Norton works in the sewer. He has to think on his feet; if he sat down he'd drown." But Norton, who's thinking of accepting the offer, tells his buddy not to worry. "As long as I am an executive at that bus company," he tells Ralph, "you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live." (356994)
7p (also showing 2:30p on WPIX & WPIXD) #034 (aka #130) - "A Man's Pride": Ralph is too proud to tell a seemingly successful old friend that he drives a bus, so he says he "runs things" at the company in the last Honeymooners episode of the "classic 39," which originally ran from 1955 to '56. CLASSIC KRAMDEN- Ralph's reaction to the dinner check. (635913)
7:30p (also showing 5:30p on WPIX & WPIXD) #035 (aka #124) - "Unconventional Behavior": Ralph and Norton become joined at the wrists when Norton tries out his "trick handcuffs" in "Unconventional Behavior," which originally aired May 12, 1956. Aboard a train en route to the lodge's convention in Minneapolis, the guys look forward to "five days of hilarity" and try out some of the novelty items that Norton's brought along. But when Norton's handcuffs won't unlock (there is no key), he and Ralph become closer than they'd like. This scenario yields some memorable physical humor, including Norton trying to take his coat off and the guys trying to figure out some way to sleep in upper and lower berths. It also provides one of the series' all-time lines. "Mind if I smoke?" Norton asks a frustrated Ralph. "I don't care if you burn," Ralph fires back. (352178)
8p #036 (aka #128) - "The Bensonhurst Bomber": An argument in the pool hall and a joke about a man's name figure in "The Bensonhurst Bomber," which originally aired Sept. 8, 1956. Of all the guest characters on The Honeymooners, few names are more recognizable to fans than "Harvey," or, as Ralph pronounces it, "Har-vee!" In fact, it's that exaggerated pronunciation that gets Ralph in hot water when the towering bully Harvey challenges Ralph to a fight at Kelsey's Gym. As the showdown approaches, a nervous Ralph believes a wiser plan might be to leave town, but Norton insists he has to fight Harvey, especially since they're closing the pool hall in Ralph's honor. "If I fight that Harvey," Ralph replies, "they'll be closing it in my memory." (611333)
8:30p #037 (aka #125) - "The Safety Award": Ralph is honored with an award for being "the safest bus driver in the city" and plans to take Alice and the Nortons to the ceremony at City Hall. But his big day is plagued with problems, culminating with Ralph having an accident in his friend's car. Ever the optimist, Norton offers a distressed Ralph some sewer-worker words of wisdom: "When the tides of life turn against you, and the current upsets your boat, don't waste those tears on what might have been, just lay on your back and float." Mr. Martin: Frank Marth. (630468)
9p #038 (aka #126) - "Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"): Norton gets fired from his job in the sewer after taking Ralph's advice about demanding a promotion. Finding something new won't be easy, Norton says, because, after all, a sewer worker is like a brain surgeon---"we're both s pecialists." Still, after a couple of weeks, he finds work selling irons door-to-door. And when he tells his pal that he made $40 his first day on the job, Ralph suddenly contemplates leaving the bus company to become a salesman with Norton's company. (782420)
9:30p (also showing 4:30a on WPIX & WPIXD) #039 (aka #127) - "Alice & The Blonde": Audrey Meadows said that she "loved" the episode titled "Alice and the Blonde" (originally telecast June 2, 1956), and it's easy to see why. For once, it's Alice who's fuming. It's all because of what happens at the home of one of Ralph's co-workers. Trying to ingratiate himself with Bert Weedemeyer (who Ralph thinks may become the bus company's new general manager), Ralph---with Norton by his side, naturally-heaps compliments on the man's wife, a ditsy platinum blonde who calls her husband "Twinkles." Ralph's fawning and flattery isn't amusing Alice, who'll have her revenge. Rita Weedemeyer: Freda Rosen. Bert: Frank Behrens. (871888)
Sun. Jan. 4, 2009 12a #64 (aka #58) – *“Hair-Raising Tale”: Ralph is tricked into buying a new hair growth formula. He and Norton proceed to test the new treatment on Ralph's boss. (496346)
9p #73 (aka #31/#20) – “‘Ralph's Diet’/‘Alice Plays Cupid’”: (For “Ralph’s Diet”): Ralph's diet becomes unbearable when a neighbor hides all the food for a surprise party=2 0in the Kramden's apartment. (For “Alice Plays Cupid”): When Alice finds out Ralph has invited a single friend from the Bus Company to dinner; she tries to fix him up with her girlfriend. (1717365)
9:30p #74 (aka #71) - *“Brother-in-Law”: When Ralph's brother in law wants to borrow money to buy a hotel, Ralph says no; instead he schemes to buy the hotel himself. (253433)
(WPIX & WPIXD):
It looks like WPIX may be reviving the Viewer's Choice Hour because zap2it doesn't have episode descriptions available. I may be wrong though.
Mon. Dec. 29, 2008 1a & Mon. Jan. 5, 2008 1a - "Honeymooners Viewers Choice Hour": Viewers can go to wpix.com and vote for which episodes that they want WPIX to show. WPIX has set up a page on their website so viewers can see what “episodes” WPIX has the rights to. Voting for every Monday may have started. (If a lost episode is chosen, chances are it will be in CC and edited HEAVILY.)
WPIX 11 Mon, Dec 29, 1:00 AM VCR+: 59726
WPIXD 711 Mon, Dec 29, 1:00 AM VCR+: 98542
WPIX 11 Mon, Dec 29, 1:30 AM VCR+: 84900
WPIXD 711 Mon, Dec 29, 1:30 AM VCR+: 73418
Mon. Jan. 5, 2009 1a #030 (aka #121) - "The Loudspeaker": Ralph thinks he'll be named Raccoon of the Year,20so he begins writing his acceptance speech (if he could only get rid of his hiccups). It's a very distinctive honor, he reminds the skeptical Alice, because it entitles the two of them to "free burial privileges in the Raccoons' national cemetery in Bismarck, North Dakota." (For WPIX: 22704. For WPIXD: 19124)
1:30a #42 (CC) - *“Battle of the Sexes”: When Ralph and Ed decide to show their wives who's boss, Alice and Trixie fight back, leaving the guys to=2 0survive on their own. (For WPIX: 44969. For WPIXD: 67259.)
*: This episode has been edited HEAVILY.
(Ralph invites Alice to come along so he can get money for the convention. Alice was going to give him the money anyway. The men are upset that they know that Alice, and subsequently Trixie are coming along.)
Ed: "Can I ask you a question? How do you get us in these fixes?"
Ralph: "Very simple. Very simple Norton." (yells): "I HAVE A BIIIIIIG MOUTH!"
"Two For The Money":
(Ralph is trying to scrape money to make up for the lodge money he lost.)
Ralph: "All I could scrape together was $6."
Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's wedding ring?"
Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $6 from?"
"Two Tickets To The Fight":
Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I will duck."
(Ed throws a punch and hits Ralph.)
Ed: "Hey, that's some ducking Ralph. I can never hit you the second time."
"Mama Loves Mambo":
Ed: "Now listen Ralph, as long as we are neighbors, you don't have to call me Norton. Call me Edwardo."
Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"
"Brother Ralph":
Alice: "Ralph, I told my boss that I am not married and that I live with my brother. So, when he gets here tonight, you are my brother."
(Ralph walks into the bedroom.)
Ralph (coming out, yells): "WHAT?"
"Two For The Money":
Ralph: "How many times have I been held up while on the job?"
Alice: "Six."
Ralph: "The first five, they got nothing."
Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."
"Cottage For Sale Part 2":
(The Kramdens and Nortons are in the lemon that is their cottage.)
Ralph: "What do you think is the first thing we should do here?"
Alice: "Burn it down."
"My Fair Landlord":
Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"
Ralph: "Why not now?"
Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."
Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"
"Sees All, Knows All":
Ralph: "Norton, I am not going to die."
Ed: "You mean never?"
Now on for my skit:
(The Kramdens & Nortons are in Miami Beach visiting Ed's parents on XMas Eve. A knock on the door is heard.)
(The person enters. It's Miley & Billy Ray Cyrus.)
(Audience cheers loudly.)
Ed: "Hey, I didn't know you..."
Ed's Mom: "We knew you are a big fan of Hannah, so we asked her and her father Billy Ray to come visit.)
Miley: "Hello Mr Norton. I understand you are a big fan of me and my dad."
Ralph: "Huminahuminahumina."
Ed: "I listen to you and your dad's music all the time. As a matter of fact, when you performed on the Today Show, I heard you from above me just before I got washed out."
Ralph: "He works in the sewer."
Billy Ray: "Well, that's a good job. I guess."
Ralph: "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Ralph Kramden and this is my wife Alice. Oh, look at the time. It's Christmas Day."
Miley: "I got an idea. Why don't we exchange presents now."
Ralph: "All right."
(They open presents.)
Alice: "Merry Christmas Ralph."
Ralph: "Open your gift Alice. You will love it."
(Alice opens it.)
Alice: "Ralph, it's beautiful."
Ralph: "Even with the bum economy, I thought I would you buy that. It's a expensive necklace from Kay's. Every kiss begins with Kay."
(They kiss.)
Ralph: "Mmmm. BOY!"
Alice's Mom: "Well, Ralph I am sorry for what I thought."
(The Nortons open their gifts.)
Trixie: "Ed, it's beautiful. Another necklace from Kay Jewelers."
Ed: "Trixie. I like the gift you gave me. It's a box set of Spongebob Squarepants DVD set."
(They kiss.)
Ralph: "You know people, I say this every year. But, Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up – red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas'. Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home – you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place you're going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"
(They all kiss. Audience cheers. The curtain starts to close, but Jackie stops it.)
Jackie: "Ladies and gentlemen, we don't normally step out of character this way, but I want to change things up. Let's introduce every one of the cast. First: Jean Kean."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "Art Carney."
(Audience cheers.)
Jackie: "And for our special guests, Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus."
(Audience cheers loudly.)
Jackie: "Wait a second. In honor of the Christmas season, all of us should sing: 'Silent Night.' So, Mr. Spear if you please. I hope you didn't get too tipsy with the eggnog."
(Everyone laughs.)
Jackie: "I know you like to drink."
(Everyone laughs.)
Jackie: "Away we go."
(Sammy Spear plays silent night.)
Everyone (sings): Silent night, holy night!
All is calm, all is bright.
Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child.
Holy infant so tender and mild,
Sleep in heavenly peace,
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Silent night, holy night!
Shepherds quake at the sight.
Glories stream from heaven afar
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia,
Christ the Savior is born!
Christ the Savior is born.
Silent night, holy night!
Son of God love's pure light.
Radiant beams from Thy holy face
With dawn of redeeming grace,
Jesus Lord, at Thy birth.
Jesus Lord, at Thy birth.
(They finish up the rest of the song. Audience applauds.)
Jackie: "Wait a minute. Miley has something to say."
Celine: "I agree with Jackie. The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST."
Jackie: "She is right. The Miami Beach audiences are the GREATEST. MERRY CHRISTMAS AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! HO HO HO!"
(The end.)
(AmericanLife TV):
(AmericanLife also has an OnDemand Service. This show might be one of the shows to watch.)
TV-G
All times are Eastern.
Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Shelia MacRae as Alice Kramden. Jean Kean as Trixie Norton.
Fri. Dec. 26 10p & Sat. Dec. 27, 2008 12a #43 (aka #197) – “Happiness Is a Rich Uncle”: Joey Heatherton guests as the go-go girl sweetheart of Alice's Uncle Howard (David Burns), an 83 year-old millionaire. Suspicious that she's gone-gone over Howard's gold, the Honeymooners decide to put Emily to the test -- with suave Norton as bait. (For Fri.: 4862. For Sat.: 60464.)
Fri. Jan. 2 10p & Sat. Jan. 3, 2009 12a #44 (aka #198) – “Hawaii, Oh! Oh!”: Donald O'Connor guests as a money minded maitre d' as the Honeymooners visit Hawaii. Charlie (Donald) and his bartender (Jeremiah Morris) oncoct a phony diet sauce guaranteed to slim down fatties. The missing ingredient: a sucker. Enter rotund Ralph. (For Fri.: 6260. For Sat.: 40668.)
(Note: TV Guide is saying that ALN will show this show at 2am on Sat. Dec. 27, but ALN's website says otherwise. If they do, the VCR Plus Code will be 611718. The episode will be the above one while Jan 2nd/3rd offering will be:#45 (aka #199) – “The Sun & Raccoon Capital”: The end of the harmonious Honeymooners quartet may be near. At the Miami convention of the Raccoons, it's election time. Opponents for the office of High Exalted Mystic Ruler? Ralph and Norton!
(WGN America) (Not WGN's Chicago feed) (WPIX) & (WPIXD):
(WGN America's episodes are in CC. WPIX & WPIXD are not for the Classic 39.)
TV-G
All times are Eastern.
Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.
Wed. Dec. 24, 2008 8p (also showing at 2p Jan 1st on WGN America & 1:30a on WPIX) #024 (aka #115) - "Please Leave The Premises": Ralph refuses to pay a rent increase of $5 a month and, to avoid eviction, barricades himself, Alice and Norton in the apartment. Its war, says Ralph, and he's the general of their army. But after a few days without heat, and the food supply reduced to only celery, General Kramden hatches a plan to get fresh grub from the neighborhood delicatessen. Mr. Johnson: Luis Van Rooten. (WGN America Wed.: 459279. Jan 1st.: 631197. WPIX & WPIXD: Unknown.)
8:30p (also showing at 2a Jan 1st on WGN America): #013 (aka #104) - "'Twas The Night Before XMas": The Kramdens exchange presents in a Christmas episode with an O. Henry twist. Ralph is particularly proud of the gift he has for Alice: a hairpin box made of 2000 matchsticks that, he's been told, was smuggled from the palace of the Emperor of Japan. DON'T MISS - This classic retelling of "The Gift of the Magi." (WGN America Wed: 438786. For Jan 1st: 617062.)
Sun. Dec. 28, 2008 12a #70 (aka #87) - *“Boys and Girls Together”: Alice and Trixie feel that Ralph and Norton do everything together and decide to join them. Ralph and Norton scheme to discourage their wives. (762698)
9p #71 (aka #50) – “This is Your Life (Part One)”: Ralph is chosen to be on the television program "This is Your Life," but it must be kept a secret from him. When Ralph sees Alice and the show's producer together, he thinks Alice is having an affair. (197916)
9:30p #72 – “This is Your Life (Part Two)”: Ralph and Norton find airline tickets in Alice's bag and believe she is planning to run away with the producer of "This is Your Life." (212799)
(TV Guide's website is not providing the VCR Plus Codes for WPIX & WPIXD for Jan. 1st.)
Wed. Dec. 31, 2008 8p (also showing at 6:30p Jan 1st on WPIX & WPIXD): #001 (aka #092) - "TV or Not TV": Ralph and Norton go partners on a new TV, but Ralph rigs a coin toss so the set stays in the Kramden apartment. It's not long before Ralph becomes a total zombie to the new medium, and all Norton wants to do is don his space helmet and watch "Captain Video." (944509)
8:30p (also showing 3:30p on WPIX & WPIXD): #002 (aka #093) - "Funny Money": Ralph finds a suitcase filled with money, enough, Norton says, to "keep him in pizza for the rest of his life." There's one slight problem: the money is counterfeit, and the gangsters who printed it want it back. Alice's Mother: Ethel Owen. Boss: Boris Aplon. Ziggy: Frank Marth. (
9p (also showing 3p on WPIX & WPIXD) #003 (aka #094) - "The Golfer": Hello, ball! That memorable salutation---delivered by Norton (Art Carney) as he shows the proper way to "address the ball"---has made "The Golfer" (first aired on Oct. 15, 1955) a favorite in the series canon. Ralph's trying to impress his boss by offering to join him in a foursome. Problem is, Ralph's never picked up a club in his life and learning to play in two days, he concedes, won't be easy---"It'd take me at least a week." That doesn't stop him from turning his kitchen into a fairway, using a pin cushion as a ball and, unforgettably, getting into the mood by donning an outlandish golfing outfit that is, to quote Norton, "dee-vine." DON'T MISS – Ed addressing the ball. (388054)
9:30p #004 (aka #095) - "A Woman's Work Is Never Done": Tired of Ralph's complaints about household chores not being done, Alice convinces him to hire a maid. But the new domestic is rapidly getting fed up taking orders from Norton and Ralph, or as she calls them, "the simp and the blimp." Thelma: Betty Garde. Wilson: Frank Marth. (470509)
10p (also showing 10a on WPIX & WPIXD) #005 (aka #096) - "A Matter of Life & Death": Ralph gets the idea in his head that he has six months to live, so he decides to sell his story to a magazine. But when he learns it's all a mistake and that he can be prosecuted for fraud, he enlists Norton to pose as a doctor ("don't touch me, I'm sterile") who can cure him of the dreaded "arterial monochromia." Publisher: George Petrie. (738035)
10:30p (also showing 12a on WPIX & WPIXD) #006 (aka #097) - "The Sleepwalker": Norton's sleepwalking becomes a waking nightmare for=2 0Ralph, who can't get any sleep because he's been asked to keep his pal from wandering off on late-night strolls around the neighborhood. Doctor: George Petrie. (747783)
11p (also showing 2p on WPIX & WPIXD) #007 (aka #098) - "Better Living Through TV": In a classic episode, Ralph and Norton g o on live TV in an attempt to sell the Handy Housewife Helper. The inspired (and ad-lib laden) "Better Living Through TV" (originally telecast Nov. 12, 1955) finds Ralph talking Norton into buying TV time so the two of them can go on the air and sell 2000 of the kitchen gadgets. The idea is for "Chef of the Future" Ralph to demonstrate to "Chef of the Past" Norton the many things the gizmo can do, such as open cans, remove corns and, of course, "core a apple." In the rehearsal, Ralph is the picture of calm, but as they prepare to go on the air, panic sets in and he warns a worrisome Ed: "Stop talking like that, nervous, you're going to get yourself all Norton." CLASSIC QUOTE - "Can it core a apple?" (390899)
11:30p (also showing 12:30a on WPIX & WPIXD) #008 (aka #099) - "Pal O' Mine": A great friendship is strained after a ring t hat Norton had planned to give a co-worker winds up stuck on Ralph's finger. The episode concludes with a classic hospital scene that contains a memorable one-word ad-lib by Norton, who's saying good-bye to a doctor. Teddy Oberman: Ned Glass. Doctor: John Seymour. Nurse: Abbie Lewis. (194702)
Thu. Jan. 1, 2009 12a (also showing 10:30a on WPIX & WPIXD) #009 (aka #100) - "Brother Ralph": A layoff at the bus company prompts Ralph and Alice to add up their total savings from all of their accounts ($12.83). That's reason enough for Alice to get a job, leaving Ralph to take care of the cooking and cleaning. But Ralph becomes really steamed after he discovers that her boss looks like a matinee idol---and that Alice told him that Ralph is her brother. (714771)
12:30a (also showing 1a on WPIX & WPIXD) #010 (aka #101) - "Hello Mom": Ralph and Alice Kramden (Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows) squabble over the impending arrival of Ralph's mother-in-law in this classic, and ultimately touching, episode. The king is told that his castle is soon to be invaded by Alice's mom. Ralph painfully remembers how his mother-in-law said at his wedding, "I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining a ton," and refuses to let her visit. But when Alice stands up to him and insists her mother's coming, Ralph decides to move in with the Nortons until the visit's over. Humor and poignancy meet in a conclusion that once again shows Alice, who sees beyond Ralph's insecurities, to be the bigger person. (391352)
1a #011 (aka #102) - "The Deciding Vote": Ralph's in a tight two-man election for the position of Raccoon convention manager and the deciding vote belongs to Norton. The episode contains a classic sight gag involving Ralph trying to clean a vacuum cleaner after it has failed "the oatmeal test." (535994)
1:30a (also showing 2:30a on WPIX & WPIXD) #012 (aka #103) - "Something Fishy": "I catch the fish," Ralph tells Alice, "you cook the fish. The only time we're together is when we eat the fish." Alice, however, has other ideas about Ralph and his lodge brothers worming their way out of taking the wives on the annual fishing trip. Ralph and Norton are desperate, so they angle for a way to leave Alice and Trixie behind. (250791)
2a #013 (aka #104) - "'Twas The Night Before XMas": The Kramdens exchange presents in a Christmas episode with an O. Henry twist. Ralph is particularly proud of the gift he has for Alice: a hairpin box made of 2000 matchsticks that, he's been told, was smuggled from the palace of the Emperor of Japan. DON'T MISS - This classic retelling of "The Gift of the Magi." (617062)
2:30a (also showing 6p on WPIX & WPIXD) #014 (aka #105) - "The Man From Space": Intending to take home first prize at the Raccoon Lodge's costume ball, Ralph---unable to wangle a loan from Norton---puts together his own costume and dubs himself "The Man From Space" in a memorable episode that was originally telecast Dec. 31, 1955. Angry with Norton (who's going as the Frenchman who "built the sewers of Paris") and obsessed with winning, Ralph appropriates an assortment of household items---including a faucet, a pot, a radio tube and the icebox door---to create a costume that will, he says, make Norton's rented outfit look like "a piece of French cheesecloth." The episode contains a classic example of Jackie Gleason's gift for ad-libbing when, unexpectedly; a piece of Ralph's costume falls off. "Let me have that," he improvises to Alice. "That's my denaturizer." (636197)
3a (also showing 3a on WPIX & WPIXD. Yes, it is going to be shown at the same time as WGN America) #015 (aka #106) - "A Matter of Record": In "A Matter of Record" (originally telecast Jan. 7, 1956), Ralph surprises Alice with tickets to a hit Broadway mystery, but with her mother coming "all the way from Bensonhurst" for a visit, she won't go. " Where's Bensonhurst, in New Zealand or something?" Ralph snaps back, upset that Alice is forsaking him for a visit from his nemesis. "She won't be in this apartment three minutes before she starts an argument," Ralph says. With that, Alice's mother arrives and Ralph proceeds to set an alarm clock for three minutes. Sure enough, she quickly insults Ralph about his weight, chides Alice for not marrying "a good provider" and, as the final straw, spills the beans about the ending of the play. Just as the alarm clock rings, Ralph erupts ("You are a blabbermouth!") and throws his mother-in-law out. But Alice leaves with her, prompting Ralph to take Norton's suggestion and record an apology to Alice in hopes of winning her forgiveness. (515130)
10a #016 (also showing 11a on WPIX & WPIXD) (aka #107) - "Oh My Aching Back": After telling Alice he was too tired to leave the apartment, Ralph---on the eve of his company physical---goes bowling, throws his back out and comes home hunched over, and looking, Norton says, like "the leaning tower of pizza." (234468)
10:30a (also showing 11:30a on WPIX & WPIXD) #017 (aka #108) - "The Baby-sitter": Ralph signals his displeasure when he learns that Alice had a telephone installed in the apartment. Then later, when he calms down, he overhears a telephone conversation and thinks that she is having an affair. (148062)
11a #018 (aka #109) - "The $99,000 Answer": Ralph Kramden's get-rich-quick schemes were a Honeymooners staple, but the pipe dream in "The $99,000 Answer"---which originally aired Jan. 28, 1956---may be the funniest. Convinced that he'll triumph on a quiz show, popular-music expert Ralph (Jackie Gleason) intensely prepares at home, aided by piano-playing pal Norton (Art Carney), who warms up for each song with a few bars of a familiar Stephen Foster melody. Of course, the second he's on live TV, Ralph's bravado vanishes. Going into the classic Kramden meltdown---the eyes bugging, the lips quivering, the tongue stuttering "hummina-hummina"---he's asked, for his first question, to identify the composer of "Swanee River." DON'T MISS - - Norton's introduction to every song on the piano. (702284)
11:30a (also showing 3:30a on WPIX & WPIXD) #019 (aka #110) - "Ralph Kramden Inc.": Ralph needs a loan from Norton, so he sells him a share of his future earnings as a corporation---Ralph Kramden, Inc. It's another con job by Ralph, of course, until he learns that an old woman with a $40 million estate died and left him in her will. That's enough for Norton, as an officer in the corporation, to remind Ralph about one "small detail"---that they need to bring a suitcase to the reading of the will to carry home the $40 million. (703913)
12p (also showing 4p on WPIX & WPIXD) #020 (aka #111) - "Young At Heart": Ralph wants to prove to Alice that he's still young at heart by learning dances like the Big Apple and the Suzie Q., which prompts Norton to ask: "How can anyone so round be so square?" But he's still determined, so the Kramdens and the Nortons decide to make a night of it by going roller-skating. Ralph on wheels at the rink makes for one of the series' classic scenes. Another has Norton teaching Ralph how to do the Hucklebuck. (162642)
12:30p (also showing 1p on WPIX & WPIXD) #021 (aka #112) - "A Dog's Life": Ralph gets another one of his half-baked ideas after he samples a tasty dish he found in his ice box in "A Dog's Life," which was originally telecast Feb. 18, 1956. Convinced that the unusual cracker-spread will satisfy the public's appetite for a snack that's new and different, Ralph asks his boss, Mr. Marshall, to taste the dish in the hope that he'll bankroll production. Ralph's even cooked up a name for the culinary delight: "KramMar's Delicious Mystery Appetizer." Marshall tries it and likes it, and asks Ralph if the recipe is exclusively his wife's or if Alice's mother helped out. "Anything she'd cook I wouldn't give to a dog," Ralph replies. But Marshall wants some other opinions, so he calls in his assistants for another taste test. (884352)
1p (also showing 9:30a on WPIX & WPIXD) #022 (aka #113) - "Here Comes The Bride": On the eve of his lodge brother Stanle y's marriage to Alice's sister, Ralph---the self-proclaimed "king of [his] castle"---gives his future brother-in-law marital advice. Furious that Stanley has agreed to live with Alice's parents, Ralph instructs him to put his foot down. "I don't want to argue," he tells Ralph, prompting Norton to reply: "If you don't want to argue, what are you getting married for?" (968913)
1:30p (also showing 7:30p on WPIX & WPIXD) #023 (aka #114) - "Mama Loves Mambo": A dance teacher moves into the building and has all the husbands kicking up a fuss. Ralph and Norton had the idea that Carlos Sanchez was an old man who might like to relax with a game of checkers. He's not---bachelor Carlos is suave and handsome, and worse, is giving their wives mambo lessons in the Kramdens' apartment. Sanchez: Charles Korvin. (883623)
2p #024 (aka #115) - "Please Leave The Premises": Ralph refuses to pay a rent increase of $5 a month and, to avoid eviction, barricades himself, Alice and Norton in the apartment. Its war, says Ralph, and he's the general of their army. But after a few days without heat, and the food supply reduced to only celery, General Kramden hatches a plan to get fresh grub from the neighborhood delicatessen. Mr. Johnson: Luis Van Rooten. (631197)
2:30p (also showing 4am on WPIX & WPIXD) #025 (aka #116) - "House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"): Alice accepts a department store's offer to redecorate their apartment for free. She wants to surprise Ralph, so she arranges to secretly meet with the decorator---who then makes the mistake of leaving one of his gloves in the flat. When Ralph finds the glove, he suspects Alice of having an affair. Andre: Alexander Clark. (364913)
3p #026 (aka #117) - "Young Man With A Horn": The discovery of his old cornet and an unexpected visit by a self-made millionaire prompt Ralph to wonder why he hasn't achieved more success and hit the "high note" in his life. As a result, he decides to make a list of his good points and do something to correct his bad ones. (610604)
3:30p (also showing 12p on WPIX & WPIXD) #027 (aka #118) - “Ralph’s Big Mouth” (aka "Head of The House"): In the hilarious "Head of the House" (originally telecast March 31, 1956), Ralph marks his "emancipation" as king of his castle by sitting down with Norton to finish a bottle of wine that is "a little strong but good." Their first toast, Ralph says, is "to my wife, who has finally found her place." Actually, what Alice found was a bottle of grape juice, which she substituted for the wine. When the men get plastered and pass out, Trixie and Alice pour their own drinks and make their own toasts. "I give you our husbands," says Trixie. "You can have 'em," says Alice. The wine-and-grape-juice scene, Art Carney recalled, was one of his favorites. "We really were laughing at each other...because we were supposed to be laughing...crocked and everything. Funny scene." (336130)
4p (also showing 12:30p on WPIX & WPIXD) #028 (aka #119) - "The Worry Wart": Ralph's nerves are taxed when he gets a letter requesting his presence at the IRS office. Alice tries to calm him by reminding him that many people have their returns reviewed. "You're darn right," Norton agrees. "The jails are full of them." Norton, in fact, is helping Ralph review the business deductions he made on his returns and then lends his buddy moral support by accompanying him to the IRS office. (355265)
4:30p (also showing 1:30p on WPIX & WPIXD) #029 (aka #120) - "Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"): While leaving the pool hall, Ralph witnesses a bank robbery and takes a bullet through his hat. That's reason enough for him to believe that the thugs will come gunning for him, so Norton tells his on-edge pal to just relax and watch some TV. "What's playing tonight?" Ralph asks. Norton's reply: "Dead Men Tell No Tales." Bibbo: Frank Marth. Danny: George Petrie. (351449)
5p (also showing 1a Jan. 5 on WPIX & WPIXD) #030 (aka #121) - "The Loudspeaker": Ralph thinks he'll be named Raccoon of the Year,20so he begins writing his acceptance speech (if he could only get rid of his hiccups). It's a very distinctive honor, he reminds the skeptical Alice, because it entitles the two of them to "free burial privileges in the Raccoons' national cemetery in Bismarck, North Dakota." (For WGN Ameirca: 622449. For WPIX: 22704. For WPIXD: 19124)
5:30p #031 (aka #122) - "On Stage": "Polo ponies." "On Stage" (originally telecast April 28, 1956) actually began, says co-writer Leonard Stern, "with that one word...and we built a whole sketch around it." And it's that single word---pronounced by Norton (Art Carney) to rhyme with monopolies---that has almost single-handedly made this a favorite among Honeymooners fans. The episode begins with Ralph getting a juicy part in a play being mounted by the Raccoon Lodge's Women's Auxiliary. Suddenly Ralph is strutting around like the Barrymore of Bensonhurst and entertaining dreams that a Hollywood producer in the audience will offer him a contract. But before the actual performance, there's a rehearsal with Norton---and that word---to contend with. (335401)
6p (also showing 4:30p on WPIX & WPIXD) #032 (aka #129) - "Dial J For Janitor": Ralph can't seem to pipe down about the failures of his building's janitor. Then he finds out that the position pays $150 a month with free rent---and decides to take the job himself. Now the most gripes are coming from Norton, who says he hasn't had water in his apartment for so long that he's beginning to "see mirages." Mr. Johnson: Luis Van Rooten. Mrs. Manicotti: Zamah Cunningham. (365642)
6:30p #033 (aka #123) - "Opportunity Knocks, But": When Mr. Marshall asks him for a lesson in shooting pool, Ralph believes that his social visit to his boss's Park Avenue home is the cue for his finally advancing in the company. But it's Norton who racks up points in "Opportunity Knocks But," which originally aired May 5, 1956. The pool lesson just gets under way when Norton---not Ralph---starts offering suggestions about making improvements at the company. Impressed, Marshall offers him a job as "Bus Driver Supervisor." Marshall says he likes a man who can think on his feet, but as an enraged Ralph later tells Alice: "Norton works in the sewer. He has to think on his feet; if he sat down he'd drown." But Norton, who's thinking of accepting the offer, tells his buddy not to worry. "As long as I am an executive at that bus company," he tells Ralph, "you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live." (356994)
7p (also showing 2:30p on WPIX & WPIXD) #034 (aka #130) - "A Man's Pride": Ralph is too proud to tell a seemingly successful old friend that he drives a bus, so he says he "runs things" at the company in the last Honeymooners episode of the "classic 39," which originally ran from 1955 to '56. CLASSIC KRAMDEN- Ralph's reaction to the dinner check. (635913)
7:30p (also showing 5:30p on WPIX & WPIXD) #035 (aka #124) - "Unconventional Behavior": Ralph and Norton become joined at the wrists when Norton tries out his "trick handcuffs" in "Unconventional Behavior," which originally aired May 12, 1956. Aboard a train en route to the lodge's convention in Minneapolis, the guys look forward to "five days of hilarity" and try out some of the novelty items that Norton's brought along. But when Norton's handcuffs won't unlock (there is no key), he and Ralph become closer than they'd like. This scenario yields some memorable physical humor, including Norton trying to take his coat off and the guys trying to figure out some way to sleep in upper and lower berths. It also provides one of the series' all-time lines. "Mind if I smoke?" Norton asks a frustrated Ralph. "I don't care if you burn," Ralph fires back. (352178)
8p #036 (aka #128) - "The Bensonhurst Bomber": An argument in the pool hall and a joke about a man's name figure in "The Bensonhurst Bomber," which originally aired Sept. 8, 1956. Of all the guest characters on The Honeymooners, few names are more recognizable to fans than "Harvey," or, as Ralph pronounces it, "Har-vee!" In fact, it's that exaggerated pronunciation that gets Ralph in hot water when the towering bully Harvey challenges Ralph to a fight at Kelsey's Gym. As the showdown approaches, a nervous Ralph believes a wiser plan might be to leave town, but Norton insists he has to fight Harvey, especially since they're closing the pool hall in Ralph's honor. "If I fight that Harvey," Ralph replies, "they'll be closing it in my memory." (611333)
8:30p #037 (aka #125) - "The Safety Award": Ralph is honored with an award for being "the safest bus driver in the city" and plans to take Alice and the Nortons to the ceremony at City Hall. But his big day is plagued with problems, culminating with Ralph having an accident in his friend's car. Ever the optimist, Norton offers a distressed Ralph some sewer-worker words of wisdom: "When the tides of life turn against you, and the current upsets your boat, don't waste those tears on what might have been, just lay on your back and float." Mr. Martin: Frank Marth. (630468)
9p #038 (aka #126) - "Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"): Norton gets fired from his job in the sewer after taking Ralph's advice about demanding a promotion. Finding something new won't be easy, Norton says, because, after all, a sewer worker is like a brain surgeon---"we're both s pecialists." Still, after a couple of weeks, he finds work selling irons door-to-door. And when he tells his pal that he made $40 his first day on the job, Ralph suddenly contemplates leaving the bus company to become a salesman with Norton's company. (782420)
9:30p (also showing 4:30a on WPIX & WPIXD) #039 (aka #127) - "Alice & The Blonde": Audrey Meadows said that she "loved" the episode titled "Alice and the Blonde" (originally telecast June 2, 1956), and it's easy to see why. For once, it's Alice who's fuming. It's all because of what happens at the home of one of Ralph's co-workers. Trying to ingratiate himself with Bert Weedemeyer (who Ralph thinks may become the bus company's new general manager), Ralph---with Norton by his side, naturally-heaps compliments on the man's wife, a ditsy platinum blonde who calls her husband "Twinkles." Ralph's fawning and flattery isn't amusing Alice, who'll have her revenge. Rita Weedemeyer: Freda Rosen. Bert: Frank Behrens. (871888)
Sun. Jan. 4, 2009 12a #64 (aka #58) – *“Hair-Raising Tale”: Ralph is tricked into buying a new hair growth formula. He and Norton proceed to test the new treatment on Ralph's boss. (496346)
9p #73 (aka #31/#20) – “‘Ralph's Diet’/‘Alice Plays Cupid’”: (For “Ralph’s Diet”): Ralph's diet becomes unbearable when a neighbor hides all the food for a surprise party=2 0in the Kramden's apartment. (For “Alice Plays Cupid”): When Alice finds out Ralph has invited a single friend from the Bus Company to dinner; she tries to fix him up with her girlfriend. (1717365)
9:30p #74 (aka #71) - *“Brother-in-Law”: When Ralph's brother in law wants to borrow money to buy a hotel, Ralph says no; instead he schemes to buy the hotel himself. (253433)
(WPIX & WPIXD):
It looks like WPIX may be reviving the Viewer's Choice Hour because zap2it doesn't have episode descriptions available. I may be wrong though.
Mon. Dec. 29, 2008 1a & Mon. Jan. 5, 2008 1a - "Honeymooners Viewers Choice Hour": Viewers can go to wpix.com and vote for which episodes that they want WPIX to show. WPIX has set up a page on their website so viewers can see what “episodes” WPIX has the rights to. Voting for every Monday may have started. (If a lost episode is chosen, chances are it will be in CC and edited HEAVILY.)
WPIX 11 Mon, Dec 29, 1:00 AM VCR+: 59726
WPIXD 711 Mon, Dec 29, 1:00 AM VCR+: 98542
WPIX 11 Mon, Dec 29, 1:30 AM VCR+: 84900
WPIXD 711 Mon, Dec 29, 1:30 AM VCR+: 73418
Mon. Jan. 5, 2009 1a #030 (aka #121) - "The Loudspeaker": Ralph thinks he'll be named Raccoon of the Year,20so he begins writing his acceptance speech (if he could only get rid of his hiccups). It's a very distinctive honor, he reminds the skeptical Alice, because it entitles the two of them to "free burial privileges in the Raccoons' national cemetery in Bismarck, North Dakota." (For WPIX: 22704. For WPIXD: 19124)
1:30a #42 (CC) - *“Battle of the Sexes”: When Ralph and Ed decide to show their wives who's boss, Alice and Trixie fight back, leaving the guys to=2 0survive on their own. (For WPIX: 44969. For WPIXD: 67259.)
*: This episode has been edited HEAVILY.