"Quiz Show":

Alice: "All the way home in the cab you were howling at the top of your lungs."

Ralph: "I had to. There was so many boxes of Krinkly Krax cereal between us, I couldn't see you."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ed: "Have I seen you once?"

Joyce Randoph (as herself): "I don't believe so."

Ed: "Did you ever work in the sewer?"

"The Next Champ":

Mr. Armstrong: "I got eight guys in my stable. I can make room for a
heavyweight."

Ed: "Hey, he must have a bigger kitchen then you Ralph."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "That does it Norton. In six months, I will be dead."

Ed: "Don't get so upset. Doctos can be wrong to you know. Take a friend of mine for instance. The doctor gave him six months to live. Boy, did he make a monkey out of that doctor."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He lived for almost eight months."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Ralph: "This salad isn't bad. You got carrots for your eyes, beats for your blood, lettuce for your teeth. Everything on here is good for you."

Ed: "Poor little pizza. Ain't good for nothing."

"To Whomever It May Concern":

(Ed is helping Ralph write his nasty letter to his boss, Mr. Marshall)

Ralph: "'You dirty bum! You are a miserable low-life. You ought to turn in your membership card to the human race.'"

Ed: "Nice touch. Nice touch."

Ralph: "Thank you."

"Flushing Ho":

Alice: "You can't go in the bathroom Ralph. Trixie is taking a bath."

Ralph: "She is in the water more than a flounder is."

"Please Leave The Premises":

(In the chilly apartment, Ralph gives Alice a water bottle.)

Ralph: "I don't want to see you drink an ounce of that. We have to conserve."

Alice: "I wouldn't think about doing that Ralph. I am saving it for Sunday dinner."

"My Fair Landlord":

(Ralph wants to talk to Mr. Olsen about the lack of water. He yells at him out the window.)

Ralph (yells): "YOU TELL THE LANDLORD IF THERE ISN'T ANY IMPROVEMENTS
MADE AROUND HERE, I'M LEAVING."

Mr. Olsen (from downstairs, yells): "GO AHEAD AND LEAVE. THAT WILL BE
AN IMPROVEMENT RIGHT THERE."