"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You once said: 'Ralph, I would be happy to live in a tent with you.'"

Alice: "I still am. I think it would be an improvement."

"Love Letter":

Mrs. Paterson: "This person spells beauty. B-u-t-e-y."

Ed: "That is the way I spell it."

Mrs. Paterson: "It is spelled b-e-a-u-t-y."

Ralph: "Why did you tell him. Why didn't you let him wallow in his own ignorance?"

"Songwriters":

Ed: "If Rogers ever treated Hammerstein like this, there would be no Some Enchanted Evening."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ed: "Ralph, I think I am sitting on a splinter."

Ralph: "Stay there."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph (yells): "GRAB A MOP AND START MOPPING."

Alice: "Only if I use you as a mop."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO COUNT TO FIVE AND IF YOU ARE NOT MOPPING WHEN I COUNT TO FIVE, LOOK OUT. ONE! THERE YOU ARE. THAT'S ONE…TWO, THERE'S TWO. ONE! TWO! THREE IS COMING NEXT…THREE! AFTER THREE COMES FOUR. FOUR IS NEXT. YOU KNOW FOUR IS NEXT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS NEXT?"

Alice: "Why don't you say it?"

Ralph (yells): "FIVE! ALL RIGHT I AM GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT I AM GOING TO DO. THE NEXT TIME YOU BLEACH YOUR HAIR, I WON'T TOUCH YOUR ROOTS."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You want proof that I'm crazy? My leg won't go up."

Alice: "Your leg won't go up?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it didn't go up."

"A Dog's Life":

Alice: "Do you realize that you Raccoons have more emergency meetings than the U.N.?"

Ralph: "It turns out that the Raccoons have more emergencies than the U.N."

"Guest Speaker":

(Ed comes in and sees Ralph in his Raccoon uniform.)

Ed: "What happened Ralph, did you get drafted?"

Ralph: "No, I didn't get drafted. I'm a Raccoon."

Ed: "Well, I am a butterfly and I'm flying out of here."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

(AmericanLife TV):

(AmericanLife also has an OnDemand Service. This show might be one of the shows to watch.)

TV-G

All times are Eastern.

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Shelia MacRae as Alice Kramden. Jean Kean as Trixie Norton.

Fri. Dec. 12 10p & Sat. Dec. 13, 2008 12a #42 (aka #195) - “The Honeymoon Is Over”: Mike Douglas guests as the Honeymooners are invited to plug the prize-winning song on Mike's show. And what a show it is: Ralph and Alice have an on-camera tiff that gets everyone into the act. (For Fri.: 2676. For Sat.: 53134.)

Fri. Dec. 19 10p & Sat. Dec. 20, 2008 12a #10 (aka #163) – “Run Santa Run”: Ralph doesn't know that Alice has taken in knitting to pay for his Christmas present, so when he discovers baby things in the apartment he assumes Alice is pregnant. He takes on a job as a sidewalk Santa with Norton as his helper. They are both arrested as operatives in a bookmaking operation. (For Fri.: 8548. For Sat.: 63364.)

(WPIX) & (WPIX HD):

TV-G

All times are Eastern.

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

WPIX has stopped the Viewer's Choice Hour.

(The first VCR Plus Code is for WPIX. The second one is for WPIX HD)

Mon. Dec. 15, 2008 1a #010 (aka #101) - "Hello Mom": Ralph and Alice Kramden (Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows) squabble over the impending arrival of Ralph's mother-in-law in this classic, and ultimately touching, episode. The king is told that his castle is soon to be invaded by Alice's mom. Ralph painfully remembers how his mother-in-law said at his wedding, "I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining a ton," and refuses to let her visit. But when Alice stands up to him and insists her mother's coming, Ralph decides to move in with the Nortons until the visit's over. Humor and poignancy meet in a conclusion that once again shows Alice, who sees beyond Ralph's insecurities, to be the bigger person. (82689/52370)

1:30a #60 (aka #57) - *“Man in the Blue Suit”: Ralph wins big at poker and hides it in an old suit so Alice won't find out how much he has won. Alice gives the suit to charity. (33842/73414)

Mon. Dec. 22, 2008 1a #022 (aka #113) - "Here Comes The Bride": On the eve of his lodge brother Stanley's marriage to Alice's sister, Ralph---the self-proclaimed "king of [his] castle"---gives his future brother-in-law marital advice. Furious that Stanley has agreed to live with Alice's parents, Ralph instructs him to put his foot down. "I don't want to argue," he tells Ralph, prompting Norton to reply: "If you don't want to argue, what are you getting married for?" (72464/22342)

1:30a #13 (aka #104) “’Twas The Night Before Christmas”: The Kramdens exchange presents in a Christmas episode with an O. Henry twist. Ralph is particularly proud of the gift he has for Alice: a hairpin box made of 2000 matchsticks that, he's been told, was smuggled from the palace of the Emperor of Japan. (98990/37716)

(WGN America) (Not WGN’s Chicago feed.)

Sun. Dec. 14 & Sun. Dec. 21, 2008 12a (CC) #65 (aka #33/#24) –
“‘Manager of The Baseball Team’ (1953 version)/‘Income Tax’”: (For “Manager of The Baseball Team”): Ralph mistakenly believes he's been promoted to manager. (For “Income Tax”): Ralph tries to do his taxes and figures that he owes the government $15.00. Unfortunately, he was saving his last $15.00 for a new bowling ball. (For Dec. 14: 319840 For Dec. 21: 573860).

Note: For whatever reason, WGN America is showing these episodes twice.

Sun. Dec. 14, 2008 9p (CC) #62 (aka #77) – “Cupid (Part One)”: When Ralph meets an old classmate who is still single, he begins to call single women in the neighborhood to get him a date. Alice and Trixie think Ralph is making the dates for himself. (124646)

9:30p #63 (CC) – “Cupid (Part Two)”: Matters get more complicated when Norton lies to Alice so she won't find out that Ralph has been playing matchmaker. (209801)

Sun. Dec. 21, 2008 (CC) 9p #66 (aka #63) - *“Vacation at Fred's Landing” (1954 version): Alice and Trixie want to vacation in Atlantic City but Ralph and Ed insist on going camping. After one day in the wilderness, Ralph and Norton realize that the great outdoors isn't what they had hoped. (619976)

9:30p (CC) #69 (aka #133/#43) – “‘Forgot to Register’/‘Halloween Party’”: (For “Forgot To Register”): Alice causes an argument when she tells Ralph she doesn't support the candidate he and Norton are campaigning for. (For “Halloween Party”): The Kramdens and the Nortons don costumes for the bus company Halloween party. At the last minute Ralph finds out that the party is really a formal affair for his boss. (794131)

*: This episode has been edited HEAVILY.

Credit goes to americanlifetv.com, zap2it.com, tvguide.com & tvland.com.