"Alice & The Blonde":

Trixie: "On the bus, there was two empty seats. Who takes those two empty seats?"

Alice: "Ralph."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job. Trained in the same fashion as each other. There's always one man in the group that stands far from the others."

Ed: "Yeah, I guess you are right there Ralph. If you stood out anymore in front, you won't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus."

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(Ralph thinks that Phil is seeing Alice behind his back.)

Phil: "Too bad there aren't more Alices to go around."

Ralph: "This one gets around pretty good."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

(Alice looks at the letter that Ralph claims says that he will die. She laughs because it's for her mom's dog, Ginger.)

Alice: "This is a riot!"

Ralph: "This is a riot? We will see how much of a riot it is when you have to finish the payments on the ice box."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "It just so happens that your husband is Taurus the Bull. Now what do you have to say about that?"

Alice: "Moooooo."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "You should hear what my horoscope said."

Ralph: "What did it say?"

Ed: "'Be sure to throw yourself into your work.'"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ed: "Remember last year at the Raccoon Convention in New York where the police where cracking down on people who were throwing water bags out of the hotel windows? That didn't stop me. I just filled up the bags with water and threw them out my hotel window."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "$600. I don't know what to do first."

Ed: "I do."

Ralph: "What is that?"

Ed: "I wouldn't tell Trixie."

"Hair To A Fortune":

(Ed is reading the bottles.)

Ed: "Here's another one. 'Oliveoil.'"

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT'S OLIVE OIL."

(The Kramdens and Nortons arrive at Alice's Mother's house for Turkey Day. Audience applauds.)

Alice: "Hello Mom!"

Alice's Mom: "Alice. My big fat son-in-law. I hope you don't eat the whole turkey."

Ralph: "Oh, I won't Mom."

Ralph (to Ed): "That dirty ole..."

Alice: "I beleive you know our friends. The Nortons."

Ed: "Hey, slap me five. Let me know you are alive."

Alice's Dad: "The turkey won't be ready until 6pm or so."

Ralph: "That's fine. Me and Norton are ready to plop down on the couch and watch the football games with you."

Alice's Mom: "I hope you don't break the couch with your weight."

Ed: "Ha ha ha ha."

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!"

(At the dinner table.)

Ralph: "Wait a minute. Before we serve dinner. I think it would be great to say what we are all thankful for. I think Alice should go first."

Alice: "All right. I am thankful that at least I got a house, friends and family and a husband who is still jealous of me after all these years."

All: "Awww."

Ed: "My turn."

(Much to Ralph's dismay, Ed clears his throat the same way he did in the Color Honeymooners.)

Ed: "Fellow Raccoons...I mean fellow people. I am thankful that I got a wife, two friends who are real sweet kids, my job as a sewerwoker and the fact that this turkey is almost as big as the one I ate yesterday on the job before the tide came in..."

(Ralph elbows Ed.)

Trixie: "I am thankful for being alive after all these years, having a husband, and two great friends in Ralph & Alice."

Ralph: "I am thankful for having a wife like Alice, friends, family, going on vacation to that action city Miami Beach next summer..."

(Audience cheers.)

Ralph: "Also for having a president that promises to bring change to America, having troops out there to protect our freedom and our way of life and to live in a free country."

All: "Hear! Hear!"

Alice's Mom: "That was great Sonny Boy. I am greatful to have a child like Alice, a husband and a son-in-law like Ralph and pretty much the same things as everyone else."

Ralph: "Oh boy! Thank you!"

Alice's Dad: " i am thankful for pretty much the same reasons as all of you."

Ralph: "What a great holiday."

(All of them sing a song about Thanksgiving.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "How sweet it is."

(Audience cheers louder.)

Jackie: "Friends, I am thankful for a lot of things like having a wife like Marylin, friends, life, living in the USA, having troops protect our freedom and for performing in front of the Miami Beach crowds."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "And for living in Miami Beach."

(Crowd cheers louder.)

Jackie: "Good night."