Frank Gannucci
11-07-2008, 08:55 AM
Episode #207
TV: This episode has not been shown since its original airdate.
DVD: It doesn’t look like this episode will ever be released.
The few seconds of the opening video are the same as the Color Honeymooners except band music is playing and Johnny says: "Coming to you from Gusman Hall in Miami's New World Center: Jackie Gleason Presents The Honeymooners. Starring Jackie Gleason, Art Carney, Audrey Meadows & Jean Kean." (yells): "AND AWAY WE GO!"
The Kramden apartment is shown. Alice comes out and starts cooking. Trixie comes. Alice has a job as a switchboard operator so she can buy Ralph his Valentine's Day present. Alice has a paper of the calls that she made down at the office. There were a lot if interesting calls. Armand, a handsome guy who runs an escort service, has called Alice several times on the job. Alice wants to hide the list from Ralph, so she and Trixie pull both ends of the table so Alice can put the list in the middle. Alice is going to give Ralph a tailor-made suit, but since he lost so much weight, she has to get his measurements without him knowing it. Ralph proposed to Alice on Valentine's Day. Trixie says that Ed proposed to her on Groundhog's Day. In the episode entitled: "Finders Keepers", Ed said that Trixie proposed to HIM. Every Groundhog's Day, she doesn't get a present. Ralph comes home. His hair is more gray than dark by now. He also combs his moustache. Trixie leaves. Ralph is going to stay home, rather than go bowling. Alice wants him to go bowling, so he doesn't know that Alice is going to work. Alice: "What is your waist measurement?" Ralph: "146." Alice: "That is your waist measurement?" Ralph: "No, that is my bowling average. I thought that tonight, we can sit down on the couch and do a little necking." They have a couch? Alice says that they don't. Ralph: "We can put the two chairs together and do it on that." Alice says that she has plans for the night. She is going to help her sister hang the drapes. Alice goes into the bedroom. Ed comes in looking fatter than Ralph. Ralph says that she is going to give her a stereo, a color TV and a soundless electric kitchen on credit. Ed: "That must have been expensive." Ralph: "Yeah. I had to put $5 down." Ralph says that he will get things in here without her seeing with not a big problem since she is running out every night. The payments are $10 a month for a long time as evidenced by the LONG contract. It is so long that it looks like a petition for more traffic lights. Ralph wants to hide it, so he & Ed open the table. Ralph discovers the list of phone calls Alice has made. D'oh! He & Ed read the fact that Armand has made a lot of phone calls. He puts the list back where he & Ed found it. Ralph is going to make Alice convict herself. Ralph will look into Alice's eyes and see what she is up too. Alice comes out with dark sunglasses on. This funny moment was shown on the Honeymooners 50th Anniversary Special on CBS in 2002. Alice goes to get her keys. Ralph orders Ed to follow her when she leaves. Alice leaves. Ed leaves but he comes back saying how he is going to follow her. Ralph orders him to leave. Ed leaves. Ed comes back and asks for a trench coat. Ralph (yells): GET OUT!" Ed leaves but comes back when he says he lost her on the stairs. They did this same bit in the Honeymooners Lost Episode entitled "Love Letter."
In the next scene, Alice is writing an insurance policy card for Ralph. Trixie comes down. Armand called Alice twenty times. Alice puts the new list in the middle hole of the table. Ralph comes home. Alice is staying home but she has to run up to Trixie's. Ed: "What are we having for dinner and it better not be leftovers." Trixie: "All right. Srevotfle." Ed: "What is that, a Russian dish?" Trixie: "That is leftovers spelled backwards." The girls leave. Ed got the phonebook. Ralph opens the table and notices the list with Armand's calls. They look up the new names in the phonebook. Ed, being Ed, takes a long time. They look up the name Duke. Ed said that he had a dog named Duke. I thought that Ed was allergic to dog hair. Well, then again, in the episode entitled: "The Sleepwalker", he had a dog named Lulu. They also find out that some of the names on the list are a druggist, an insurance person, a guy who runs a funeral home and a guy that runs a cemetery. Ralph thinks that Alice is going to kill him. He also notices the new paper with Armand's twenty calls. Ralph says that Valentine's Day is coming up and he proposed to Alice on that day. He got her a diamond engagement ring for $14. On that night, Ralph took Alice to Jersey to some joint where they had two zombies-a-piece. The orchestra was called: Sammy K and the Swinging Orchestra. Sammy had a contest called: "Lead The Band." Sammy got a bunch of guys including him to lead the band. Ralph's song for the contest: "Yes, We Have No Bananas." Ralph won. The crowd loved it, especially Alice since she never had two zombies before. Ralph's prize: An autographed baton, then he went to propose to Alice and she accepted. That was their song: "Yes, We Have No Bananas." Wow! Ralph goes to show Ed the baton but he can't find it. Ralph thinks that Armand has his baton. Ed tells Ralph that when Alice kills him, it can be anytime. Alice comes home and Ed leaves. Ed: "I hope I see you later." Ralph goes to get Alice her apron. Alice has Ed's measuring tape. Since his supper won't be ready for a few minutes, she asks him to take a nap. Ralph is suspicious. He won't. Ralph: "I am never going to take another nap as long as I live." Ralph sits down. Behind Ralph's back, she tries to measure him. Ralph hears the tape and gets up. Ralph: "I heard a noise Alice." Alice (frightened in a sarcastic way): "Was it a scary noise Ralph?" She goes to measure his waist. Alice: "Please protect me." Ralph: "I heard that noise again Alice." Alice: "My earring fell off. I think it fell under the bureau. Can you get it for me please?" Ralph lies down as Alice measures his waist line. Wow! Ralph lies on his stomach to get it as Alice measures his left pant leg. Alice: "I left my earring in the bedroom." Alice goes into the bedroom. Ed comes in and seeing Ralph on the floor, thinks that Alice killed him. Boy, is Ed stupid. Ralph gets up and Ed thinks that now he is a ghost. Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?" Ralph tells Ed that Alice just measured him for a coffin.
In the next scene, Alice has the tablecloth ready and is preparing dinner. Alice (yells): "RALPH, ARE YOU SLEEPING?" Ralph (yells): "I AM WIDE AWAKE ALICE!" Alice goes upstairs to Trixie's to get some bread. Ralph comes out and we can see that the wallpaper in the apartment hallway is much darker. Ed comes in. Ralph is going nuts. He hasn't slept in three days. Ed says that he can't take a quick nap. Ed says that when he is in the sewer, it isn't glamorous that people say it is and if he fell asleep on the job, he can drown. So when he gets sleepy, he turns on some music and starts to move a little. Ed turns on his portable radio and the music that "comes out" of that radio sounds like the music from the opening of the show. Ed and Ralph dance around. Ralph dances the same way as he did in "Mama Loves Mambo." Ralph then yells at Ed to turn the music off. Ed: "I see that you are not asleep." Ralph (yells): "NO, I AM UNCONSCIOUS." Ralph apologizes to Ed. Ralph: "When I die, I want you to have my bowling ball and my new pool cue stick." Ed: "Maybe you better take a nap." Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!" Alice brings down a loaf of bread. Ralph sees Alice with a knife and gets scared. Ralph: `I know that I haven't been a good husband, but do I deserve this?" Alice: "You deserve it and you are going to get it." Ralph wants to tell Alice what he got for her for Valentine's Day, but Alice says she got something for him. Alice: "It is bigger than a breadbox." Ralph (yells): "IT SURE IS!" Alice: "It will also cover you from your head to your toes." Ha! Alice: "Why don't you sit down so I can give it to you?" Ralph: "I rather get it standing up." When Ralph asks Alice if she ever wanted to get a divorce, she says no. She meant the vow that he and Ralph took at their wedding. Ralph: "What vow?" Alice: "'Till Death Do Us Part.'" Alice has a special meal prepared for Ralph. Ralph: "So that is how I am going to get it." Alice gets Ralph his dinner. Ralph: "What is it?" Alice: "It is a surprise." Ralph: "I know that, but what is in it?" Alice: "Everything." Ralph: "You are not taking any chances are you?" Alice puts the secret ingredient on it. Ralph is even more suspicious. Alice: "You will remember that for the rest of your life." Ralph orders Alice to taste it. Alice: "I am trying to lose weight." Ralph: "If I taste it, you will lose weight. About 210 pounds." Alice puts saccharine (sp) into Ralph's drink. Ralph: "Got anything else that the government banned to put in my food?" Alice tries to leave. Ralph tries to sing: "Yes, We Have No Bananas." Alice: "Eat that Ralph and you won't need any bananas." Alice leaves. Ralph tries to see where Alice is going. Ed comes down. Ed tires to eat Ralph's dinner. Ralph warns Ed that there is poison in it. Ed coughs the same way that he did in the Color Honeymooners. Ralph says that Ed is about to die in three minutes because of those poison mushrooms that he ate. Ed doesn't want Trixie to know since that she hates it when he eats between meals. Ralph says that he knows that Ed was a good man when he was alive and when he dies, he will see to it that he gets buried in his Raccoon uniform with all of his fellow Raccoons by his side humming the Raccoon hymn and when it is all over, Ralph will escort his remains to the Raccoon National Cemetery in Bismarck, North Dakota. He said the same thing in "The Loudspeaker." According to Ralph, three minutes are up and he's not dead. It didn't seem like three minutes to me. Ralph: "Maybe Alice didn't poison that." Ed resumes to eating it. What kills Ralph is that she might kill him before Ralph can get his hands on that dirty bum Armand. Ralph & Ed will call Armand up and make a date with them. Ed will dress up as a woman looking for a date. Ed will be a woman looking for some action, while Ralph will be his mother. He will fit into one of Mrs. Manicotti's dresses. He will kill Armand on the date. Ed: "This will be the first blind date I have been on since my date with Trixie. I hope this one turns out better than that." They leave to make the call.
In the next scene, Ed comes out with a red shirt, a skirt, stockings and a big black-haired afro wig. He looks hilarious. Ralph comes out in a gray-haired wig, a gold dress and it looks like he has a RIDICULOUSLY BIG bra on. He looks funnier. Ralph asks where Ed got the wigs. Ed: “The same place Howard Cosell gets his.” Ralph then says that his bra broke. Ralph reveals what he wants Ed to do with Armand. Ralph: “Gain his confidence then ask him about Alice.” Ed: “How far do I have to go to gain his confidence?” Ralph: “As FAR as you have to.” The audience laughs. Ed: “I don’t even let Trixie go THAT FAR.” Ralph plans to hide his moustache with a veil. They then ponder on who to call Ed. Ralph: “How about Virginia?” Ed: “I rather be a Charlotte.” Ralph (yells): “YOUR NAME IS VIRGINIA.” Ralph then says to Ed: "Now, let me fix your hair." Ed: "I rather do it myself." Ralph hides his moustache with a veil when he answers the door. Armand comes in. Ed & Ralph identify Armand’s date as “Virginia-Charlotte” with Ralph saying Charlotte & Ed saying Virginia at the same time. Ralph: "My name is Mrs. Finnegan." Ed: "I smoke everyday in the sewer." Ralph gets them some hors d' oeuvres. Armand: "Your mother is a fine figure of a woman." I think Armand needs some glasses. Ed: "You remind me of my first love Peter. Peter. Peter. Peter. Peter." Armand: "Why are you wearing that veil?" Ed: "To cover up his…" Ralph hits Ed. Ralph: "I am in mourning. You see my husband Abdullah died. Ed: "He died because he thought I can drink more than he could." Armand will go on a date as long as he pays for it, even an old one. When Ralph asks him, if he goes on date to a Chinese restaurant with a girl named Alice, he asks him who will pick up the tab. Armand: "Alice." Ed: "Daddy's camel's name was Alice." Ralph goes into the bedroom so Ed and Armand can be alone. Ed says that his daddy died six years before he was born. Wow! Armand is wearing a moustache that looks fake. Armand her and "her" and "her mom" look strange, but he finds "her" (Ed) very attractive. Armand says that "she" has a beautiful face. Ed: "You look like my dad's camel." Surprisingly, Armand isn't offended. Armand asks "her" out for a date to go to the movies tomorrow night and HE will pay. Armand's other girlfriends used to wine him, dine him and then he cast them away like an old shoe. Ralph comes out. Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT! THAT DID IT! SO YOU ARE GOING TO CAST MY ALICE ASIDE LIKE AN OLD SHOE, HUH?" Ralph goes to fight Armand. Armand: "Are YOU his MOTHER?" Alice & Trixie arrive. Ralph says that he has finally caught up to Alice's scheme. Alice tells him the real story. Alice is upset. She also gives Ralph back his autographed baton, which is now bronzed. Ralph is apologetic. Armand says that Ralph owes him $20. Ralph declines and kicks him out. Ed is crying since now he can't go to the movies with Armand.
The curtain rises and shows the Kramden apartment, now has a stereo, an all soundless electric kitchen, and a color TV. There are wires all over the place. Ralph plugs everything into a surge protector. He plays romantic music on the stereo. He calls the Nortons and Alice down. Everyone is so happy. Ralph kisses Alice and wishes her a Happy Valentine's Day. Ralph turns on every one of the soundless kitchen appliances. He turns on the furnace, puts some bread for toasting and gets some wine from the fridge. Ralph asks Ed to make a toast that is important for the occasion. Ed does. Ed: "Down the hatch." That moment was shown on the Larry King Live Honeymooners Special as well as the 50th Anniversary Special. Ralph says that it is no time to watch the 6 O' Clock News with Barbara Walters. Who would have thought she would still be working in the news field today? Ralph turns on the TV. An explosion is heard and sparks fly from the TV. The stereo explodes as well as the whole soundless electric kitchen. Smoke is filling up the room. Ralph is not pleased. Ed: "I think that the toast is burnt." Ha! Ha!
During the curtain call, Jackie is standing in front of a red curtain. As music is being played, he thanks everyone. Jackie says that they had a wonderful time tonight and hopes that everyone did too. He introduces the cast. When he introduces Art, Art still raises his right leg like he did in the Color Honeymooners' curtain calls. He praises the Miami audience by saying that they are the BEST in the world and says good night.
During the credit roll, an announcer (I think it was Charlie O' Donnell) says that the Honeymooners has been brought to you by the men & women of The International Ladies Garment Union. Johnny Olsen says: "From Gusmand Hall in Miami, Florida for Jackie Gleason Presents The Honeymooners saying goodnight everyone. The background of the credit roll is the Miami skyline at night. In my copy of this episode, an ABC announcer says: "Thursday Night Excitement" and then plugs an episode of that 1970s show that starred John Travolta (I think you know what show I am referring to) as well as some other special, as well as an episode of a TV show that Aaron Spelling made in the 1970s that had people on a cruise (once again, I think you know what show I am referring too.)
Episode #208
TV: Has not been seen on TV since its original airdate.
DVD: It doesn’t look like this episode will ever be released.
I attempted to do a review of this episode in August 2004, but since at that time the last time I saw it was in 1998 at the Museum of TV & Radio, I relied completely on my memory and needless to say, my review was poor. I now have this episode in my possession and here is the review. The synopsis of this episode for some reason is not on honeymooners.net.
Unlike the past specials, this one was filmed in Superstar Theater in the Resorts National Hotel on the boardwalk in Atlantic City. The opening of this episode is similar to the other specials as well as the Color Honeymooners but the footage they use is a person zooming in on the Atlantic City boardwalk from the ocean. Eileen Heckart guest stars.
The Kramden apartment has some Christmas decorations in it as Alice brings in a skinny Christmas tree. Trixie comes in. Alice said that she didn't want Ralph to pick it out because he always waits until the last minute hoping to get one cheap. That is why last year; he got the tree on Jan. 10. Alice is going to put the tree into the bedroom to keep cool since according to her, it's colder in there than it is outside. She does. Ed comes down with his usual sewer outfit. Ralph comes home and combs his mustache. Ralph has had a bad day. On his very first stop, an old lady comes on the bus and her false teeth fall right into his change pocket. Tomorrow, it won't be much better since he is driving a school bus. I guess that Ralph got demoted from being Traffic Manager (since he was going to be promoted to one according to the end of "Honeymooners Christmas Carol." Trixie forgot to get Ed his dinner, so she asks what he wants from the store. His choices are nothing but frozen foods. Ed: "Here's a woman risking frostbite just to feed me." Ed doesn't know what he wants to eat. Trixie: "Do you want me to surprise you?" Ed: "Yeah, don't come back." Ed shows his Christmas bonus check which is $418.79. Ralph's eyes light up. The girls leave to go to the store. Ralph reveals his plan to Ed. Ralph: "I'm going to be a millionaire." How many times have we heard THAT before? Ralph: "I am going to give you an opportunity to invest in the greatest plan that I have ever had in my life." Ed: "What's the plan?" Ralph: "I can't tell you. You will have to trust me." Ed: "How much will it cost me?" Ralph: "$418.79." Ed claims that he lost the check. Ralph: "Look in your hat." Ed says that he can't give him the money because Trix will hit him. Ralph says that he was an only child (despite the fact that in previous episodes, he revealed that he has siblings.) He was a lonely child and he always wanted a little brother to play with. Ralph: "A little brother that he could beat up every now and then so I can put a band-aid on him." He said that since he doesn't have a little brother, he would have an imaginary brother and he would wonder what he would be like. He would depend on him. Ed asks what he looked like. Ralph: He looks exactly like you." Ed is touched and he says that he loves Ralph like a brother. Ralph: "Since we missed a lot of games in our childhood, we are going to play one right now. The game: Hand Over The Check." Ed "looks" for the check. He gives the "check" to Ralph. Ed: "As your imaginary brother, here's an imaginary check." Ha ha. Ed says that he will not give Ralph the check. Ralph is mad. He says that it was true that he had an imaginary brother, that he used to play games with him and that he looked like Ricardo Montelban. Ed: "Maybe he will give you the check." A knock on the door is heard. It's Alice's mother (played by Eileen Heckart.) She looks like a different person…again. As usual, they have a fight. Alice's mom says that she has given them the bureau, the table and the icebox. Ralph: "Yeah and twenty years ago, you gave me a headache." They go back and forth arguing. Alice's Mom: "Where's Alice, the person that I said thirty years ago that you are marrying Ralph over my dead body." Ralph: "That is another promise that you didn't keep." Alice's Mom said that Ralph didn't even give Ralph a child. Alice's Mom: "The only person around here that looks pregnant is you." Alice's Mom wants to give Alice her dad's three month social security check. Now they are arguing over Alice's Dad. Alice's Mom doesn't want Ralph to forget to give Alice the check. Ralph: "Should I tie a string around my finger?" Alice's Mom: "Tie a rope around your neck." She leaves. Ralph forgets about doing his idea, but then changes his mind when he remembers that he is holding Alice's Dad's three month social security check. Ed finally gives Ralph his check. Since they are "brothers", Ed asks if they can go over to the schoolyard and play Potsie.
The next day, Trixie comes in. Alice has some news. She went to the bank to get some money and the banker told her that the account was closed. Ralph went to the bank this morning and cleared out their entire life savings which was $248. Trixie: "There goes your condo in Florida." Trixie says that Ed handed over his entire big paycheck for one of Ralph's crazy ideas. Alice's Mother comes by. Alice: "I feel awful." Alice's Mom: "Good. I hope its morning sickness." Alice says that she is upset at Ralph. After Alice's Mom asks Alice if Ralph gave Alice her dad's three month social security check. Alice says no. Ed comes in. Trixie is upset at Ed. Alice: "Are you alone?" Ed: "I am never alone as long as I got my big brother." Alice: "Well, in about 10 minutes, you will be an only child." Ralph comes home and says that he took all of his & Alice's life savings, took Alice's Dad's social security check, Ed's paycheck, cashed his own paycheck, his Raccoon pension fund, and borrowed from his insurance. He did that because he wanted to invest in the greatest idea he ever had. He said that he used the money to buy lottery tickets. Ed: "And you thought that Ralph was crazy. He is as sane as I am." There's more. Ralph asks Ed to help him remove the bureau. They try to lift it. You can tell that Jackie and Art are not making any effort to move it, yet somehow Ralph screams in pain from trying to "lift" it the first time since Ed didn't do his part. They try it to "lift" it two more times. It is too heavy. So, Ed takes the two top drawers and puts them on TOP of the dresser to make it easier to move and somehow that works. It is almost the scene thing that they did in "A Woman's Work Is Never Done." They move the bureau so Ralph can get another bag of lottery tickets that he bought. Those lottery tickets look awful big for lottery tickets and somehow I doubt that all that money could have really be used to buy all those lottery tickets since there looks to be less than 100 of them. Ralph: "The top prize is $1 million. That pales in comparison to some of the top lottery prizes today. Ralph: "Name me someone else that could make a million dollars in one day." Alice: "Seattle Slew." Ed: "Are you comparing Ralph to a horse?" Alice: "Only part of a horse." I think I know which part. Ralph is going to tell them an amazing story. Ralph: "Four weeks ago, FOUR weeks ago, my bus breaks down in front of a gypsy tea room. When I go inside there to make a phone call to the depot, I look through the beaded curtains, I see an old gypsy lady reading tea leaves. When I get the dime out of my pocket to make the call (remember back then pay phone calls were a little bit less in New York than they are now), my rabbit's foot falls on the floor. She picks it up, presses it to her lips and mumbles something. I said: `What are you doing with my rabbit's foot?' She says: `I am putting a blessing on it.' You will have good fortune for the rest of your life. As I am making the phone call, she starts to read my palm. She says: `Happiness is on the way. You money line is very strong and your lucky number keeps popping up all the time.' I said: "What is my lucky number?' She said: `That is a buck extra.' I gave her the buck. She says: `Your lucky number is 4. I think nothing of it at the time. I go back to the depot and Garrity says to me that they are switching me to the FOURTH avenue line. I have never driven the fourth avenue line. I am going along the run. The first stop is FOURTH Street. FOUR men got on the bus and they didn't get off until FORTY-FOURTH Street. I go back to the depot. It is exactly FOUR o' clock. I wanted to give it one more test. I go back to the gypsy tea room and there is a cop there padlocking the door. I said: `Where is the gypsy lady?' He said: `We evicted her FOUR hours ago. She hadn't paid her rent in FOUR months.'" Ralph says that every one of those tickets has the number 4 on it someplace. Alice: "Your number is 4 all right Ralph because soon a little wagon is going to pull up around here. It will have FOUR bells on it. The there is going to be FOUR knocks on this door. We are going to open it. There is going to be FOUR men in white. They are going to grab you by the arms and legs and say those FOUR magic words Ralph. Just FOUR words. `AND AWAY WE GO!'" Alice says that it might be a good idea to have Ralph's head examined. Ralph says that he will have it examined anywhere but no one will find anything in there.
Later that night, Alice is getting the cot ready so Ralph can sleep on it. Alice's Mother is staying with them because Ralph got her so upset so Ralph has to sleep in the kitchen. That is why she is staying? Ralph says that he left his lucky rabbit's foot in the bathroom where Alice's Mom is in right now. Ralph is so concerned with her mom and Alice's Irish wishes. I guess that Alice's family is Irish. Ralph: "Your mother is putting an Irish wish on my rabbit's foot. Alice goes into the bedroom. Alice's Mom comes out with her beauty cream on and scares Ralph. Alice's Mom: "Here is your rabbit's foot Ralph and you know what you can do with it." She leaves. Ralph puts his rabbit's foot on the table. Ed comes down using the fire escape to stay with Ralph after being locked out by Trixie on the fire escape. She got him there by using a clever ruse. She said: "Ed, go out there and water the flowers." Ed, being stupid, says yes then realizes that you don't water flowers in the wintertime and remembers that they have no flowers. Ralph is going to go to bed by lying down on the cot in his bus uniform since according to him; he can't get his pajamas (although right now he could if he wanted to). Ed keeps Ralph awake by asking Ralph for some mustard on the sandwich that he (Ed) brought down. Then it is ketchup, then ketchup. Ralph asks if there is anything more that he wants. Ed says that the sandwich is perfect. Ralph tries to go to sleep. Now Ed is asking for a drink. Ralph (yells): "PUT DOWN THAT SANDWICH AND GET IN THIS BED." Ed does and both of them are trying to go to sleep on the same cot…without any covers. Ed can't sleep, so he tries counting sheep. He counts loudly. Ralph gets upset and orders Ed to get out of the bed. Ralph asks Ed how he gets to sleep upstairs. Ed says that Trixie always rubs his back. Ralph rubs his back. Ed says that when Trixie rubs his back, she always sings their song. Ed: "The song is: `Last Time We Were In Paris." That is how we met. We didn't meet in Paris though, but in Newark. Last time we were in Paris reminds me that we met in Newark." One of the precise locations that Ed claimed that he met Trixie for the first time was at a burlesque show. I doubt that Newark had any burlesque shows in its existence because I used to live in Northern New Jersey. Ralph: "That reminds me of my song: `Help Me Make It Through The Night." Ralph says that he will rub Ed's back and sing to him, but if he ever tells anyone at the Raccoon Lodge about this, he will kill him. Considering that in a previous episode (or two), the Nortons & Kramdens visited Paris, how could "Last Time We Were In Paris" be their song? Ralph tries to sing "Last Time We Were In Paris." Alice's mother sees him singing that song to Ed and rubbing his back. She gets the wrong idea. Alice's Mom: "I am calling Anita Bryant tomorrow morning." Remember, back then homosexuality on TV was more controversial than it is today. Ralph: "Everyone is against me. All I have left is my rabbit's foot." Ralph then discovers that Ed accidentally ate it when he sat down to eat his sandwich. Realistically, how could that happen?
Time for the middle commercial break bumper.
The next day, Ed comes in with a bottle of champagne. He puts the bottle into a bowl. Ralph comes out with his radio. After Ralph wins the money, he will move to Park Avenue and rub elbows with the big shots. Alice comes out with a suitcase. Her mom is leaving and so is Alice. Alice is leaving too to think things over and she might not come back. Ralph blames Alice's mother for Alice leaving him. Ralph says that he doesn't want the money for himself. He wants it for her. With a million dollars, they can go on a second Honeymoon to Atlantic City. If this episode was done in Miami Beach, you know Ralph would have said Miami Beach and not Atlantic City. According to Ralph, they will check into the finest room they have, the room that has a window that overlooks the platform where Daisy the Diving Horse jumps over. Ralph: "You are also going to have that wart removed from the back of your knee." Alice's Mom: "That is a beauty spot. I have two of them. One on my knee and one where only my husband has seen." Ralph: "If he has seen it, there must be a wart under the table at Kelly's Saloon." Ed plugs in the radio and Ralph turns up the volume. Nothing is working. Ed unplugs it and looks at the back of the radio. Ed: "You got to push that wire into that slot there and hold your finger on it." Ralph does that while Ed plugs the radio in. Cue Ralph being "electrocuted" now. While Ralph is being "electrocuted", a loud sound is heard. I don't think that could have come from that radio. Ralph, of course, is too stupid let go of the radio so Ed unplugs the radio. Ed asks Trixie to bring down his radio. Ed's radio is shaped like a cat. According to Ralph, he has never been this nervous. What about the episode (or two) in which he was locked inside of a haunted castle as well as some other experiences? Ralph wishes he has had his lucky rabbit's foot. So does Ed. Ralph goes into the bedroom.
Later on, Ralph comes out. Trixie comes down with the radio. Ralph selfishly says: "Gimme that radio." Trixie is upset at Ralph for being so mean. Ed: "Watch it Ralph. That radio costs me $15." The "cat radio" doesn't even look like a real cat. It looks like a radio that a little kid would have. Ralph: "How do you turn her on?" Ed: "Usually I bite her ear." The audience laughs. Ralph: "Not Trixie. The cat." The left eye turns on the radio and controls the volume. The right eye is the station tuner. I should mention that on this cat radio, there is no way to tell what station the radio is on just by looking at it (maybe unless you look at it from the side in which the camera is not on.) To get police calls, you twist her whiskers. To get soft wave music, you raise or her tale up or down or simply turn it to the left. Ed turns on the radio. Music plays in such a fashion that you can tell that it is not coming from the radio. They get the station that airs the Christmas Lottery Program. The announcer is Johnny Olsen. Johnny: "I will announce the names of the three top winners. Will you spin the giant tumbler penny?" Today, the lottery hosts use a machine (I am not sure what it is called) that puffs magic balls out. Those magic balls have numbers on them. Johnny: "The winner of the million dollars is Mr. Ralph Krausmeyer." Ralph is upset. Johnny says that Ralph Krausmeyer's numbers were basically all fives except for one which was a zero. Johnny: "The winner of the $500,000 prize is Mr. Pete Mountgovern of Gnome, Alaska." In reality, I don't think that lottery programs will have winners that live that far, far away. I think that all lottery programs would have winners who live in the area that the program is broadcasting in and I don't think any lottery program was ever heard or show nationally. Johnny: "The winner of the $100,000 prize Merry Nolan of Ocean Port, New Jersey." Ralph is upset because he thinks that he didn't win anything. Trixie leaves with the cat as the music from the radio blares loudly. The girls & Ed also think that Ralph has lost. Alice's Mom calls Ralph a bum and goes into the bedroom. Trixie comes down with the good news. Ralph did win something. He won sixth prize which is $1500. Ralph and Ed are happy. How could Ralph have won sixth prize if Trixie just left the room mere seconds ago? Ralph: "This is the first time Alice that I have ever seen you speechless with joy." She looks upset to me. Ralph is going to take everyone to the Hong Kong Gardens for Chinese food. The Nortons are happy as they leave with the champagne and radio. Alice's Mom comes out. She calls Ralph her favorite son-in-law. She claims that she didn't hear anything and she was thinking over how mean she has been. She then says what she wants from the Hong Kong Gardens. She tells Alice to make sure that Ralph bundles up so he wouldn't catch a cold and then leaves. Ralph: "She is not a bad skate at that. Everyone loves a winner." Alice: "You won $1500. How mush did it cost you?" Ralph adds up the costs. The cost is $1499.88." So he won 12 cents. Ralph is still happy that he won at least something and calls himself a winner. Alice thinks that he is a loser because he lost all the trust of his friends. She remembers all the bad things Ralph did in order to get the extra 12 cents like taking Ed's paycheck and making sure Ed doesn't get any money from it as well as cashing in her dad's social security check, borrowing from their insurance money etc. Alice sits down. Ralph walks around. Time for the usual "I'm sorry Alice" bit as unique music plays in the background. He says that he does everything wrong but he does it for Alice. Ralph: "If I promise NEVER to do any more crazy things, will you stay with me?" Alice says: "I must be crazy too Ralph because I still love you." Ralph: "Baby, you're the greatest." They hug and kiss. That was a fitting way to end the last official episode (although Ralph did do a crazy scheme in The Honeymooners movie in 2005 where he attempted to get money to get a train out of the sewer so him & Ed can make money giving tours of New York.)
Time for the curtain call. Jackie steps out in front of a gray curtain. He has his usual curtain call "coffee" cup with him. Jackie: "How sweet it is. I used to go to Atlantic City for salt water taffy cut to fit the kisser but right now he is coming to Atlantic City for the friendship. It is the greatest." He then introduces a "young woman" who is working with them for the first (and eventually only time) named Eileen Heckart. I guess Jackie wanted to be nice when introducing her. He then introduces the main cast. As he is doing it, I think you can see that Jackie's cup was empty. After Jackie introduces the main cast, he says "Good night."
During the credit roll, Johnny says: "This is Johnny Olsen saying: `Merry Christmas from The Honeymooners.' Then the ABC announcer plugs an ABC show. He then says that "Frosty's Winter Wonderland", a Nester the long-eared Christmas guppy special is going to be "shown" on Wednesday. Announcer: “Now stay tuned for `The Gathering' on the Sunday Night Movie." I didn't know that ABC aired Frosty the Snowman specials.
TV: This episode has not been shown since its original airdate.
DVD: It doesn’t look like this episode will ever be released.
The few seconds of the opening video are the same as the Color Honeymooners except band music is playing and Johnny says: "Coming to you from Gusman Hall in Miami's New World Center: Jackie Gleason Presents The Honeymooners. Starring Jackie Gleason, Art Carney, Audrey Meadows & Jean Kean." (yells): "AND AWAY WE GO!"
The Kramden apartment is shown. Alice comes out and starts cooking. Trixie comes. Alice has a job as a switchboard operator so she can buy Ralph his Valentine's Day present. Alice has a paper of the calls that she made down at the office. There were a lot if interesting calls. Armand, a handsome guy who runs an escort service, has called Alice several times on the job. Alice wants to hide the list from Ralph, so she and Trixie pull both ends of the table so Alice can put the list in the middle. Alice is going to give Ralph a tailor-made suit, but since he lost so much weight, she has to get his measurements without him knowing it. Ralph proposed to Alice on Valentine's Day. Trixie says that Ed proposed to her on Groundhog's Day. In the episode entitled: "Finders Keepers", Ed said that Trixie proposed to HIM. Every Groundhog's Day, she doesn't get a present. Ralph comes home. His hair is more gray than dark by now. He also combs his moustache. Trixie leaves. Ralph is going to stay home, rather than go bowling. Alice wants him to go bowling, so he doesn't know that Alice is going to work. Alice: "What is your waist measurement?" Ralph: "146." Alice: "That is your waist measurement?" Ralph: "No, that is my bowling average. I thought that tonight, we can sit down on the couch and do a little necking." They have a couch? Alice says that they don't. Ralph: "We can put the two chairs together and do it on that." Alice says that she has plans for the night. She is going to help her sister hang the drapes. Alice goes into the bedroom. Ed comes in looking fatter than Ralph. Ralph says that she is going to give her a stereo, a color TV and a soundless electric kitchen on credit. Ed: "That must have been expensive." Ralph: "Yeah. I had to put $5 down." Ralph says that he will get things in here without her seeing with not a big problem since she is running out every night. The payments are $10 a month for a long time as evidenced by the LONG contract. It is so long that it looks like a petition for more traffic lights. Ralph wants to hide it, so he & Ed open the table. Ralph discovers the list of phone calls Alice has made. D'oh! He & Ed read the fact that Armand has made a lot of phone calls. He puts the list back where he & Ed found it. Ralph is going to make Alice convict herself. Ralph will look into Alice's eyes and see what she is up too. Alice comes out with dark sunglasses on. This funny moment was shown on the Honeymooners 50th Anniversary Special on CBS in 2002. Alice goes to get her keys. Ralph orders Ed to follow her when she leaves. Alice leaves. Ed leaves but he comes back saying how he is going to follow her. Ralph orders him to leave. Ed leaves. Ed comes back and asks for a trench coat. Ralph (yells): GET OUT!" Ed leaves but comes back when he says he lost her on the stairs. They did this same bit in the Honeymooners Lost Episode entitled "Love Letter."
In the next scene, Alice is writing an insurance policy card for Ralph. Trixie comes down. Armand called Alice twenty times. Alice puts the new list in the middle hole of the table. Ralph comes home. Alice is staying home but she has to run up to Trixie's. Ed: "What are we having for dinner and it better not be leftovers." Trixie: "All right. Srevotfle." Ed: "What is that, a Russian dish?" Trixie: "That is leftovers spelled backwards." The girls leave. Ed got the phonebook. Ralph opens the table and notices the list with Armand's calls. They look up the new names in the phonebook. Ed, being Ed, takes a long time. They look up the name Duke. Ed said that he had a dog named Duke. I thought that Ed was allergic to dog hair. Well, then again, in the episode entitled: "The Sleepwalker", he had a dog named Lulu. They also find out that some of the names on the list are a druggist, an insurance person, a guy who runs a funeral home and a guy that runs a cemetery. Ralph thinks that Alice is going to kill him. He also notices the new paper with Armand's twenty calls. Ralph says that Valentine's Day is coming up and he proposed to Alice on that day. He got her a diamond engagement ring for $14. On that night, Ralph took Alice to Jersey to some joint where they had two zombies-a-piece. The orchestra was called: Sammy K and the Swinging Orchestra. Sammy had a contest called: "Lead The Band." Sammy got a bunch of guys including him to lead the band. Ralph's song for the contest: "Yes, We Have No Bananas." Ralph won. The crowd loved it, especially Alice since she never had two zombies before. Ralph's prize: An autographed baton, then he went to propose to Alice and she accepted. That was their song: "Yes, We Have No Bananas." Wow! Ralph goes to show Ed the baton but he can't find it. Ralph thinks that Armand has his baton. Ed tells Ralph that when Alice kills him, it can be anytime. Alice comes home and Ed leaves. Ed: "I hope I see you later." Ralph goes to get Alice her apron. Alice has Ed's measuring tape. Since his supper won't be ready for a few minutes, she asks him to take a nap. Ralph is suspicious. He won't. Ralph: "I am never going to take another nap as long as I live." Ralph sits down. Behind Ralph's back, she tries to measure him. Ralph hears the tape and gets up. Ralph: "I heard a noise Alice." Alice (frightened in a sarcastic way): "Was it a scary noise Ralph?" She goes to measure his waist. Alice: "Please protect me." Ralph: "I heard that noise again Alice." Alice: "My earring fell off. I think it fell under the bureau. Can you get it for me please?" Ralph lies down as Alice measures his waist line. Wow! Ralph lies on his stomach to get it as Alice measures his left pant leg. Alice: "I left my earring in the bedroom." Alice goes into the bedroom. Ed comes in and seeing Ralph on the floor, thinks that Alice killed him. Boy, is Ed stupid. Ralph gets up and Ed thinks that now he is a ghost. Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?" Ralph tells Ed that Alice just measured him for a coffin.
In the next scene, Alice has the tablecloth ready and is preparing dinner. Alice (yells): "RALPH, ARE YOU SLEEPING?" Ralph (yells): "I AM WIDE AWAKE ALICE!" Alice goes upstairs to Trixie's to get some bread. Ralph comes out and we can see that the wallpaper in the apartment hallway is much darker. Ed comes in. Ralph is going nuts. He hasn't slept in three days. Ed says that he can't take a quick nap. Ed says that when he is in the sewer, it isn't glamorous that people say it is and if he fell asleep on the job, he can drown. So when he gets sleepy, he turns on some music and starts to move a little. Ed turns on his portable radio and the music that "comes out" of that radio sounds like the music from the opening of the show. Ed and Ralph dance around. Ralph dances the same way as he did in "Mama Loves Mambo." Ralph then yells at Ed to turn the music off. Ed: "I see that you are not asleep." Ralph (yells): "NO, I AM UNCONSCIOUS." Ralph apologizes to Ed. Ralph: "When I die, I want you to have my bowling ball and my new pool cue stick." Ed: "Maybe you better take a nap." Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!" Alice brings down a loaf of bread. Ralph sees Alice with a knife and gets scared. Ralph: `I know that I haven't been a good husband, but do I deserve this?" Alice: "You deserve it and you are going to get it." Ralph wants to tell Alice what he got for her for Valentine's Day, but Alice says she got something for him. Alice: "It is bigger than a breadbox." Ralph (yells): "IT SURE IS!" Alice: "It will also cover you from your head to your toes." Ha! Alice: "Why don't you sit down so I can give it to you?" Ralph: "I rather get it standing up." When Ralph asks Alice if she ever wanted to get a divorce, she says no. She meant the vow that he and Ralph took at their wedding. Ralph: "What vow?" Alice: "'Till Death Do Us Part.'" Alice has a special meal prepared for Ralph. Ralph: "So that is how I am going to get it." Alice gets Ralph his dinner. Ralph: "What is it?" Alice: "It is a surprise." Ralph: "I know that, but what is in it?" Alice: "Everything." Ralph: "You are not taking any chances are you?" Alice puts the secret ingredient on it. Ralph is even more suspicious. Alice: "You will remember that for the rest of your life." Ralph orders Alice to taste it. Alice: "I am trying to lose weight." Ralph: "If I taste it, you will lose weight. About 210 pounds." Alice puts saccharine (sp) into Ralph's drink. Ralph: "Got anything else that the government banned to put in my food?" Alice tries to leave. Ralph tries to sing: "Yes, We Have No Bananas." Alice: "Eat that Ralph and you won't need any bananas." Alice leaves. Ralph tries to see where Alice is going. Ed comes down. Ed tires to eat Ralph's dinner. Ralph warns Ed that there is poison in it. Ed coughs the same way that he did in the Color Honeymooners. Ralph says that Ed is about to die in three minutes because of those poison mushrooms that he ate. Ed doesn't want Trixie to know since that she hates it when he eats between meals. Ralph says that he knows that Ed was a good man when he was alive and when he dies, he will see to it that he gets buried in his Raccoon uniform with all of his fellow Raccoons by his side humming the Raccoon hymn and when it is all over, Ralph will escort his remains to the Raccoon National Cemetery in Bismarck, North Dakota. He said the same thing in "The Loudspeaker." According to Ralph, three minutes are up and he's not dead. It didn't seem like three minutes to me. Ralph: "Maybe Alice didn't poison that." Ed resumes to eating it. What kills Ralph is that she might kill him before Ralph can get his hands on that dirty bum Armand. Ralph & Ed will call Armand up and make a date with them. Ed will dress up as a woman looking for a date. Ed will be a woman looking for some action, while Ralph will be his mother. He will fit into one of Mrs. Manicotti's dresses. He will kill Armand on the date. Ed: "This will be the first blind date I have been on since my date with Trixie. I hope this one turns out better than that." They leave to make the call.
In the next scene, Ed comes out with a red shirt, a skirt, stockings and a big black-haired afro wig. He looks hilarious. Ralph comes out in a gray-haired wig, a gold dress and it looks like he has a RIDICULOUSLY BIG bra on. He looks funnier. Ralph asks where Ed got the wigs. Ed: “The same place Howard Cosell gets his.” Ralph then says that his bra broke. Ralph reveals what he wants Ed to do with Armand. Ralph: “Gain his confidence then ask him about Alice.” Ed: “How far do I have to go to gain his confidence?” Ralph: “As FAR as you have to.” The audience laughs. Ed: “I don’t even let Trixie go THAT FAR.” Ralph plans to hide his moustache with a veil. They then ponder on who to call Ed. Ralph: “How about Virginia?” Ed: “I rather be a Charlotte.” Ralph (yells): “YOUR NAME IS VIRGINIA.” Ralph then says to Ed: "Now, let me fix your hair." Ed: "I rather do it myself." Ralph hides his moustache with a veil when he answers the door. Armand comes in. Ed & Ralph identify Armand’s date as “Virginia-Charlotte” with Ralph saying Charlotte & Ed saying Virginia at the same time. Ralph: "My name is Mrs. Finnegan." Ed: "I smoke everyday in the sewer." Ralph gets them some hors d' oeuvres. Armand: "Your mother is a fine figure of a woman." I think Armand needs some glasses. Ed: "You remind me of my first love Peter. Peter. Peter. Peter. Peter." Armand: "Why are you wearing that veil?" Ed: "To cover up his…" Ralph hits Ed. Ralph: "I am in mourning. You see my husband Abdullah died. Ed: "He died because he thought I can drink more than he could." Armand will go on a date as long as he pays for it, even an old one. When Ralph asks him, if he goes on date to a Chinese restaurant with a girl named Alice, he asks him who will pick up the tab. Armand: "Alice." Ed: "Daddy's camel's name was Alice." Ralph goes into the bedroom so Ed and Armand can be alone. Ed says that his daddy died six years before he was born. Wow! Armand is wearing a moustache that looks fake. Armand her and "her" and "her mom" look strange, but he finds "her" (Ed) very attractive. Armand says that "she" has a beautiful face. Ed: "You look like my dad's camel." Surprisingly, Armand isn't offended. Armand asks "her" out for a date to go to the movies tomorrow night and HE will pay. Armand's other girlfriends used to wine him, dine him and then he cast them away like an old shoe. Ralph comes out. Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT! THAT DID IT! SO YOU ARE GOING TO CAST MY ALICE ASIDE LIKE AN OLD SHOE, HUH?" Ralph goes to fight Armand. Armand: "Are YOU his MOTHER?" Alice & Trixie arrive. Ralph says that he has finally caught up to Alice's scheme. Alice tells him the real story. Alice is upset. She also gives Ralph back his autographed baton, which is now bronzed. Ralph is apologetic. Armand says that Ralph owes him $20. Ralph declines and kicks him out. Ed is crying since now he can't go to the movies with Armand.
The curtain rises and shows the Kramden apartment, now has a stereo, an all soundless electric kitchen, and a color TV. There are wires all over the place. Ralph plugs everything into a surge protector. He plays romantic music on the stereo. He calls the Nortons and Alice down. Everyone is so happy. Ralph kisses Alice and wishes her a Happy Valentine's Day. Ralph turns on every one of the soundless kitchen appliances. He turns on the furnace, puts some bread for toasting and gets some wine from the fridge. Ralph asks Ed to make a toast that is important for the occasion. Ed does. Ed: "Down the hatch." That moment was shown on the Larry King Live Honeymooners Special as well as the 50th Anniversary Special. Ralph says that it is no time to watch the 6 O' Clock News with Barbara Walters. Who would have thought she would still be working in the news field today? Ralph turns on the TV. An explosion is heard and sparks fly from the TV. The stereo explodes as well as the whole soundless electric kitchen. Smoke is filling up the room. Ralph is not pleased. Ed: "I think that the toast is burnt." Ha! Ha!
During the curtain call, Jackie is standing in front of a red curtain. As music is being played, he thanks everyone. Jackie says that they had a wonderful time tonight and hopes that everyone did too. He introduces the cast. When he introduces Art, Art still raises his right leg like he did in the Color Honeymooners' curtain calls. He praises the Miami audience by saying that they are the BEST in the world and says good night.
During the credit roll, an announcer (I think it was Charlie O' Donnell) says that the Honeymooners has been brought to you by the men & women of The International Ladies Garment Union. Johnny Olsen says: "From Gusmand Hall in Miami, Florida for Jackie Gleason Presents The Honeymooners saying goodnight everyone. The background of the credit roll is the Miami skyline at night. In my copy of this episode, an ABC announcer says: "Thursday Night Excitement" and then plugs an episode of that 1970s show that starred John Travolta (I think you know what show I am referring to) as well as some other special, as well as an episode of a TV show that Aaron Spelling made in the 1970s that had people on a cruise (once again, I think you know what show I am referring too.)
Episode #208
TV: Has not been seen on TV since its original airdate.
DVD: It doesn’t look like this episode will ever be released.
I attempted to do a review of this episode in August 2004, but since at that time the last time I saw it was in 1998 at the Museum of TV & Radio, I relied completely on my memory and needless to say, my review was poor. I now have this episode in my possession and here is the review. The synopsis of this episode for some reason is not on honeymooners.net.
Unlike the past specials, this one was filmed in Superstar Theater in the Resorts National Hotel on the boardwalk in Atlantic City. The opening of this episode is similar to the other specials as well as the Color Honeymooners but the footage they use is a person zooming in on the Atlantic City boardwalk from the ocean. Eileen Heckart guest stars.
The Kramden apartment has some Christmas decorations in it as Alice brings in a skinny Christmas tree. Trixie comes in. Alice said that she didn't want Ralph to pick it out because he always waits until the last minute hoping to get one cheap. That is why last year; he got the tree on Jan. 10. Alice is going to put the tree into the bedroom to keep cool since according to her, it's colder in there than it is outside. She does. Ed comes down with his usual sewer outfit. Ralph comes home and combs his mustache. Ralph has had a bad day. On his very first stop, an old lady comes on the bus and her false teeth fall right into his change pocket. Tomorrow, it won't be much better since he is driving a school bus. I guess that Ralph got demoted from being Traffic Manager (since he was going to be promoted to one according to the end of "Honeymooners Christmas Carol." Trixie forgot to get Ed his dinner, so she asks what he wants from the store. His choices are nothing but frozen foods. Ed: "Here's a woman risking frostbite just to feed me." Ed doesn't know what he wants to eat. Trixie: "Do you want me to surprise you?" Ed: "Yeah, don't come back." Ed shows his Christmas bonus check which is $418.79. Ralph's eyes light up. The girls leave to go to the store. Ralph reveals his plan to Ed. Ralph: "I'm going to be a millionaire." How many times have we heard THAT before? Ralph: "I am going to give you an opportunity to invest in the greatest plan that I have ever had in my life." Ed: "What's the plan?" Ralph: "I can't tell you. You will have to trust me." Ed: "How much will it cost me?" Ralph: "$418.79." Ed claims that he lost the check. Ralph: "Look in your hat." Ed says that he can't give him the money because Trix will hit him. Ralph says that he was an only child (despite the fact that in previous episodes, he revealed that he has siblings.) He was a lonely child and he always wanted a little brother to play with. Ralph: "A little brother that he could beat up every now and then so I can put a band-aid on him." He said that since he doesn't have a little brother, he would have an imaginary brother and he would wonder what he would be like. He would depend on him. Ed asks what he looked like. Ralph: He looks exactly like you." Ed is touched and he says that he loves Ralph like a brother. Ralph: "Since we missed a lot of games in our childhood, we are going to play one right now. The game: Hand Over The Check." Ed "looks" for the check. He gives the "check" to Ralph. Ed: "As your imaginary brother, here's an imaginary check." Ha ha. Ed says that he will not give Ralph the check. Ralph is mad. He says that it was true that he had an imaginary brother, that he used to play games with him and that he looked like Ricardo Montelban. Ed: "Maybe he will give you the check." A knock on the door is heard. It's Alice's mother (played by Eileen Heckart.) She looks like a different person…again. As usual, they have a fight. Alice's mom says that she has given them the bureau, the table and the icebox. Ralph: "Yeah and twenty years ago, you gave me a headache." They go back and forth arguing. Alice's Mom: "Where's Alice, the person that I said thirty years ago that you are marrying Ralph over my dead body." Ralph: "That is another promise that you didn't keep." Alice's Mom said that Ralph didn't even give Ralph a child. Alice's Mom: "The only person around here that looks pregnant is you." Alice's Mom wants to give Alice her dad's three month social security check. Now they are arguing over Alice's Dad. Alice's Mom doesn't want Ralph to forget to give Alice the check. Ralph: "Should I tie a string around my finger?" Alice's Mom: "Tie a rope around your neck." She leaves. Ralph forgets about doing his idea, but then changes his mind when he remembers that he is holding Alice's Dad's three month social security check. Ed finally gives Ralph his check. Since they are "brothers", Ed asks if they can go over to the schoolyard and play Potsie.
The next day, Trixie comes in. Alice has some news. She went to the bank to get some money and the banker told her that the account was closed. Ralph went to the bank this morning and cleared out their entire life savings which was $248. Trixie: "There goes your condo in Florida." Trixie says that Ed handed over his entire big paycheck for one of Ralph's crazy ideas. Alice's Mother comes by. Alice: "I feel awful." Alice's Mom: "Good. I hope its morning sickness." Alice says that she is upset at Ralph. After Alice's Mom asks Alice if Ralph gave Alice her dad's three month social security check. Alice says no. Ed comes in. Trixie is upset at Ed. Alice: "Are you alone?" Ed: "I am never alone as long as I got my big brother." Alice: "Well, in about 10 minutes, you will be an only child." Ralph comes home and says that he took all of his & Alice's life savings, took Alice's Dad's social security check, Ed's paycheck, cashed his own paycheck, his Raccoon pension fund, and borrowed from his insurance. He did that because he wanted to invest in the greatest idea he ever had. He said that he used the money to buy lottery tickets. Ed: "And you thought that Ralph was crazy. He is as sane as I am." There's more. Ralph asks Ed to help him remove the bureau. They try to lift it. You can tell that Jackie and Art are not making any effort to move it, yet somehow Ralph screams in pain from trying to "lift" it the first time since Ed didn't do his part. They try it to "lift" it two more times. It is too heavy. So, Ed takes the two top drawers and puts them on TOP of the dresser to make it easier to move and somehow that works. It is almost the scene thing that they did in "A Woman's Work Is Never Done." They move the bureau so Ralph can get another bag of lottery tickets that he bought. Those lottery tickets look awful big for lottery tickets and somehow I doubt that all that money could have really be used to buy all those lottery tickets since there looks to be less than 100 of them. Ralph: "The top prize is $1 million. That pales in comparison to some of the top lottery prizes today. Ralph: "Name me someone else that could make a million dollars in one day." Alice: "Seattle Slew." Ed: "Are you comparing Ralph to a horse?" Alice: "Only part of a horse." I think I know which part. Ralph is going to tell them an amazing story. Ralph: "Four weeks ago, FOUR weeks ago, my bus breaks down in front of a gypsy tea room. When I go inside there to make a phone call to the depot, I look through the beaded curtains, I see an old gypsy lady reading tea leaves. When I get the dime out of my pocket to make the call (remember back then pay phone calls were a little bit less in New York than they are now), my rabbit's foot falls on the floor. She picks it up, presses it to her lips and mumbles something. I said: `What are you doing with my rabbit's foot?' She says: `I am putting a blessing on it.' You will have good fortune for the rest of your life. As I am making the phone call, she starts to read my palm. She says: `Happiness is on the way. You money line is very strong and your lucky number keeps popping up all the time.' I said: "What is my lucky number?' She said: `That is a buck extra.' I gave her the buck. She says: `Your lucky number is 4. I think nothing of it at the time. I go back to the depot and Garrity says to me that they are switching me to the FOURTH avenue line. I have never driven the fourth avenue line. I am going along the run. The first stop is FOURTH Street. FOUR men got on the bus and they didn't get off until FORTY-FOURTH Street. I go back to the depot. It is exactly FOUR o' clock. I wanted to give it one more test. I go back to the gypsy tea room and there is a cop there padlocking the door. I said: `Where is the gypsy lady?' He said: `We evicted her FOUR hours ago. She hadn't paid her rent in FOUR months.'" Ralph says that every one of those tickets has the number 4 on it someplace. Alice: "Your number is 4 all right Ralph because soon a little wagon is going to pull up around here. It will have FOUR bells on it. The there is going to be FOUR knocks on this door. We are going to open it. There is going to be FOUR men in white. They are going to grab you by the arms and legs and say those FOUR magic words Ralph. Just FOUR words. `AND AWAY WE GO!'" Alice says that it might be a good idea to have Ralph's head examined. Ralph says that he will have it examined anywhere but no one will find anything in there.
Later that night, Alice is getting the cot ready so Ralph can sleep on it. Alice's Mother is staying with them because Ralph got her so upset so Ralph has to sleep in the kitchen. That is why she is staying? Ralph says that he left his lucky rabbit's foot in the bathroom where Alice's Mom is in right now. Ralph is so concerned with her mom and Alice's Irish wishes. I guess that Alice's family is Irish. Ralph: "Your mother is putting an Irish wish on my rabbit's foot. Alice goes into the bedroom. Alice's Mom comes out with her beauty cream on and scares Ralph. Alice's Mom: "Here is your rabbit's foot Ralph and you know what you can do with it." She leaves. Ralph puts his rabbit's foot on the table. Ed comes down using the fire escape to stay with Ralph after being locked out by Trixie on the fire escape. She got him there by using a clever ruse. She said: "Ed, go out there and water the flowers." Ed, being stupid, says yes then realizes that you don't water flowers in the wintertime and remembers that they have no flowers. Ralph is going to go to bed by lying down on the cot in his bus uniform since according to him; he can't get his pajamas (although right now he could if he wanted to). Ed keeps Ralph awake by asking Ralph for some mustard on the sandwich that he (Ed) brought down. Then it is ketchup, then ketchup. Ralph asks if there is anything more that he wants. Ed says that the sandwich is perfect. Ralph tries to go to sleep. Now Ed is asking for a drink. Ralph (yells): "PUT DOWN THAT SANDWICH AND GET IN THIS BED." Ed does and both of them are trying to go to sleep on the same cot…without any covers. Ed can't sleep, so he tries counting sheep. He counts loudly. Ralph gets upset and orders Ed to get out of the bed. Ralph asks Ed how he gets to sleep upstairs. Ed says that Trixie always rubs his back. Ralph rubs his back. Ed says that when Trixie rubs his back, she always sings their song. Ed: "The song is: `Last Time We Were In Paris." That is how we met. We didn't meet in Paris though, but in Newark. Last time we were in Paris reminds me that we met in Newark." One of the precise locations that Ed claimed that he met Trixie for the first time was at a burlesque show. I doubt that Newark had any burlesque shows in its existence because I used to live in Northern New Jersey. Ralph: "That reminds me of my song: `Help Me Make It Through The Night." Ralph says that he will rub Ed's back and sing to him, but if he ever tells anyone at the Raccoon Lodge about this, he will kill him. Considering that in a previous episode (or two), the Nortons & Kramdens visited Paris, how could "Last Time We Were In Paris" be their song? Ralph tries to sing "Last Time We Were In Paris." Alice's mother sees him singing that song to Ed and rubbing his back. She gets the wrong idea. Alice's Mom: "I am calling Anita Bryant tomorrow morning." Remember, back then homosexuality on TV was more controversial than it is today. Ralph: "Everyone is against me. All I have left is my rabbit's foot." Ralph then discovers that Ed accidentally ate it when he sat down to eat his sandwich. Realistically, how could that happen?
Time for the middle commercial break bumper.
The next day, Ed comes in with a bottle of champagne. He puts the bottle into a bowl. Ralph comes out with his radio. After Ralph wins the money, he will move to Park Avenue and rub elbows with the big shots. Alice comes out with a suitcase. Her mom is leaving and so is Alice. Alice is leaving too to think things over and she might not come back. Ralph blames Alice's mother for Alice leaving him. Ralph says that he doesn't want the money for himself. He wants it for her. With a million dollars, they can go on a second Honeymoon to Atlantic City. If this episode was done in Miami Beach, you know Ralph would have said Miami Beach and not Atlantic City. According to Ralph, they will check into the finest room they have, the room that has a window that overlooks the platform where Daisy the Diving Horse jumps over. Ralph: "You are also going to have that wart removed from the back of your knee." Alice's Mom: "That is a beauty spot. I have two of them. One on my knee and one where only my husband has seen." Ralph: "If he has seen it, there must be a wart under the table at Kelly's Saloon." Ed plugs in the radio and Ralph turns up the volume. Nothing is working. Ed unplugs it and looks at the back of the radio. Ed: "You got to push that wire into that slot there and hold your finger on it." Ralph does that while Ed plugs the radio in. Cue Ralph being "electrocuted" now. While Ralph is being "electrocuted", a loud sound is heard. I don't think that could have come from that radio. Ralph, of course, is too stupid let go of the radio so Ed unplugs the radio. Ed asks Trixie to bring down his radio. Ed's radio is shaped like a cat. According to Ralph, he has never been this nervous. What about the episode (or two) in which he was locked inside of a haunted castle as well as some other experiences? Ralph wishes he has had his lucky rabbit's foot. So does Ed. Ralph goes into the bedroom.
Later on, Ralph comes out. Trixie comes down with the radio. Ralph selfishly says: "Gimme that radio." Trixie is upset at Ralph for being so mean. Ed: "Watch it Ralph. That radio costs me $15." The "cat radio" doesn't even look like a real cat. It looks like a radio that a little kid would have. Ralph: "How do you turn her on?" Ed: "Usually I bite her ear." The audience laughs. Ralph: "Not Trixie. The cat." The left eye turns on the radio and controls the volume. The right eye is the station tuner. I should mention that on this cat radio, there is no way to tell what station the radio is on just by looking at it (maybe unless you look at it from the side in which the camera is not on.) To get police calls, you twist her whiskers. To get soft wave music, you raise or her tale up or down or simply turn it to the left. Ed turns on the radio. Music plays in such a fashion that you can tell that it is not coming from the radio. They get the station that airs the Christmas Lottery Program. The announcer is Johnny Olsen. Johnny: "I will announce the names of the three top winners. Will you spin the giant tumbler penny?" Today, the lottery hosts use a machine (I am not sure what it is called) that puffs magic balls out. Those magic balls have numbers on them. Johnny: "The winner of the million dollars is Mr. Ralph Krausmeyer." Ralph is upset. Johnny says that Ralph Krausmeyer's numbers were basically all fives except for one which was a zero. Johnny: "The winner of the $500,000 prize is Mr. Pete Mountgovern of Gnome, Alaska." In reality, I don't think that lottery programs will have winners that live that far, far away. I think that all lottery programs would have winners who live in the area that the program is broadcasting in and I don't think any lottery program was ever heard or show nationally. Johnny: "The winner of the $100,000 prize Merry Nolan of Ocean Port, New Jersey." Ralph is upset because he thinks that he didn't win anything. Trixie leaves with the cat as the music from the radio blares loudly. The girls & Ed also think that Ralph has lost. Alice's Mom calls Ralph a bum and goes into the bedroom. Trixie comes down with the good news. Ralph did win something. He won sixth prize which is $1500. Ralph and Ed are happy. How could Ralph have won sixth prize if Trixie just left the room mere seconds ago? Ralph: "This is the first time Alice that I have ever seen you speechless with joy." She looks upset to me. Ralph is going to take everyone to the Hong Kong Gardens for Chinese food. The Nortons are happy as they leave with the champagne and radio. Alice's Mom comes out. She calls Ralph her favorite son-in-law. She claims that she didn't hear anything and she was thinking over how mean she has been. She then says what she wants from the Hong Kong Gardens. She tells Alice to make sure that Ralph bundles up so he wouldn't catch a cold and then leaves. Ralph: "She is not a bad skate at that. Everyone loves a winner." Alice: "You won $1500. How mush did it cost you?" Ralph adds up the costs. The cost is $1499.88." So he won 12 cents. Ralph is still happy that he won at least something and calls himself a winner. Alice thinks that he is a loser because he lost all the trust of his friends. She remembers all the bad things Ralph did in order to get the extra 12 cents like taking Ed's paycheck and making sure Ed doesn't get any money from it as well as cashing in her dad's social security check, borrowing from their insurance money etc. Alice sits down. Ralph walks around. Time for the usual "I'm sorry Alice" bit as unique music plays in the background. He says that he does everything wrong but he does it for Alice. Ralph: "If I promise NEVER to do any more crazy things, will you stay with me?" Alice says: "I must be crazy too Ralph because I still love you." Ralph: "Baby, you're the greatest." They hug and kiss. That was a fitting way to end the last official episode (although Ralph did do a crazy scheme in The Honeymooners movie in 2005 where he attempted to get money to get a train out of the sewer so him & Ed can make money giving tours of New York.)
Time for the curtain call. Jackie steps out in front of a gray curtain. He has his usual curtain call "coffee" cup with him. Jackie: "How sweet it is. I used to go to Atlantic City for salt water taffy cut to fit the kisser but right now he is coming to Atlantic City for the friendship. It is the greatest." He then introduces a "young woman" who is working with them for the first (and eventually only time) named Eileen Heckart. I guess Jackie wanted to be nice when introducing her. He then introduces the main cast. As he is doing it, I think you can see that Jackie's cup was empty. After Jackie introduces the main cast, he says "Good night."
During the credit roll, Johnny says: "This is Johnny Olsen saying: `Merry Christmas from The Honeymooners.' Then the ABC announcer plugs an ABC show. He then says that "Frosty's Winter Wonderland", a Nester the long-eared Christmas guppy special is going to be "shown" on Wednesday. Announcer: “Now stay tuned for `The Gathering' on the Sunday Night Movie." I didn't know that ABC aired Frosty the Snowman specials.