"Head of The House":

Ed: "In my household, I am the boss of the household."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmm."

Ed: "I think that any man that is afraid of his wife, isn't a man."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmmm."

Ed: "And I can't stree this too strongly that a husband is the boss."

Interviewer: "Yes?"

Ed: "Now don't quote me because if my wife reads that, she will kill me."

"Alice Plays Cupid":

Ralph: "How do you know that he (George) is going to like her (Henrietta)?"

Alice: "Because eveybody likes her."

Ralph: "Then why is she still single?"

"Ralph's Diet":

Ralph: "I don't need to diet anymore. I lost a pound."

Alice: "Ralph, when you lose a pound, it's like Bayoone losing a mosquito."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Freddie Muller: "The party will be going from 9p-to 12am."

Ed: "That includes 11:30. Doesn't it?"

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "The place that I work for doesn't believe in hiring women who are married. THey think that if they do, the husband will force them to quit."

Ralph: "Oh, they are so right."

"Brother Ralph":

Alice: "I think you should have your head examined."

(Alice goes into the bedroom.)

Ralph: "You think I should have my head examined Alice? I will have it examined if you want. I will go to Vienna to have my head examined. Vienna. Any doctor. They can bring docotrs from the moon to examine my head and they will find nothing in there Alice."

"Nephew of The Bride":

Ed: "How old is Aunt Ethel."

Ralph: "I don't know. 112 or something."

"Follow The Boys":

(Trixie comes down in a Geisha girl costume.)

Trixie: "Come on up lover boy."

Ed: "Save me Ralph. I'm a sex symbol."

"Paris' Poor People":

Ralph: "If I were you, I wouldn't go out in the month of May."

Ed: "Why?"

Ralph: "Because that is when they gather nuts."

Now on for my skit:

(The Kramdens and Nortons are walking toward the voting booths.)

Ralph: "So Norton, who are you going to vote for, Barack or John McCain?"

Ed: "This is a real toss-up for me. One says that he will makethe country safer by keeping our troops in Iraq for long time. The other says that in order to beat the terriorists we have to pull out of Iraq and in the process save our economy. At the same time, the latter guy is probably being chummy-chummy with country leaders who are evil."

Ralph: "Same thing with me. You know what? I just hope that whoever gets elected does a better job than George W. Bush. That BUM! I have totally changed my opinion on him. He is the one that got us into this mess and hopefully John or Barack will clean it up."

Ed: "Yes, I hope that my pay gets raised when I continue to work in the sewer. My pay is receding like the water."

Ralph: "Yes, mine too. Did you take a look at some of the ad commercials attacking their respective opponents? I am surprised Obama didn't have one that sang: 'John McCain is a bum-bum-bum/Just another bum-bum-bum.'"

Ed: "I am also surprised that John didn't call Obama a dirty bum."

Ralph: "Whoever wins this election hopefully will save America and make this country better off than it was four or eight years ago."

Ed: "Ralph, I forgot to tell you. We should all have mailed in our ballots. I ehard you could do that."

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE MENTAL CASE! WE WALKED ALL THE WAY DOWN HERE FOR NOTHING?" (normally): "Aw, I don't care. I got nothing to do and I am sure our wives don't either."

(Both of them sing a song about saving America. Ater this, they go to the polls and vote.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. The audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Friends, I hope you all voted andhopefully this next president will save our country."

(All cheer.)

Jackie: "I hope the next president comes down here to speak in front of the Miami Beach audiences because they are the BEST!"

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "Jean Kean."

(Audience cheers as Jean comes out kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."

(Audience cheers as Aud comes out and kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: "Art Carney."

(Audience cheers as Art comes out ad shakes Jack's hand.)

Jackie: "Good night."

(Audience cheers.)