"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph: "You mean that after taking one look at that Carlos, you are going to give him Trixie's potato salad?"

Ed: "Of course. This will fix his wagon. Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Alice: "How could you even think of going to the movies when Ed took you to the Kit Kat Club on your birthday?"

Ralph: "Did I ask him to take me there? Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested going to the Copa Cabana."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "Berlin threw away a lot of bad lines."

Alice: "Yeah, if you can only find out where he threw them."

"A Man's Pride":

Ralph: "I promise you this, Norton. I'm gonna learn. I'm gonna learn from here on in how to swallow my pride."

Ed: "That shouldn't be too hard. You learned how to swallow everything else."

"Dinner Guest":

Man: "Me and my wife are big TV fans. Where's the TV?"

Ralph (speaking at the same time as Alice): "It's out getting repaired."

Alice (speaking at the same time as Ralph): "We don't have a TV set."

Ralph (speaking at the same time as Alice): "We don't have a TV set."

Alice (speaking at the same time as Ralph): "It's out getting repaired."

Ralph: "What my wife is trying to say is that if we had a TV set, it would be out getting repaired."

"Boys & Girls Together":

Alice: "Well Ralph, I am ready to sit down."

Ralph: "So?"

Alice: "Well, who's going to help me with my chair?"

Ralph: "There's only two of us in the room so unless you have a torn ligament or something, you'll do it."

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ed & Ralph are handcuffed on a train. Ed tried syaing "Boomph" to get out, like he was instructed but it doesn't work.)

Ralph: "I have had enough of the boomphing. Get the key out and open them up."

Ed: "There ain't no key. You got to boomph your way out."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO BOOMPH YOU OUT OF THE WHOLE CAR."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek after the makeup put some makeup on Ralph's eyes and lipstick.)

Ralph: "What did you just do?"

Ed: "I put a beauty mark on your left cheek."

Ralph: "Why did you do that?"

Ed: "Without it, you look exactly like Barbara Streisand."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Alice, come on out. Dynamite is here."

(Alice slams the bedroom door.)

Ralph: "I guess that she is still asleep."

Now on for my skit:

(Ralph comes out dressed as a NY Giant football player. He has the number 1 on his jersey.)

Ralph: "Alice, when are the Nortons coming?"

Alice: "Soon Ralph. We will arrive at the Raccoon Dance. Also, we are bringing one other guest."

Ralph: "Oh."

(Ed comes in dressed as Michael Phelps. He is wearing a swim cap and a bathing suit.)

Ralph: "Norton, are you a nut? It is freezing out."

Ed: "Ralph, Michael Phelps is accustomed to coldness. I am sure that he remembers how cold that water was in the Olympics. If there is one thing that me and Mike have in common is that we are famous for doing our work in water. I see that you are dressed as a NY Giant. You sure are one."

Ralph: "Ooooh, you are a riot Norton. A regular riot."

(Alice comes out dressed as a 12-year-old schoolgirl with a skirt that reveales her knees.)

Ralph: "Where is the rest of that costume? Your knees are showing."

Alice: "My knees are supposed to show."

Ralph: "Not any 12-year-old that is married to me."

Alice: "Oooh, since we were asked to invite another couple, I invited..."

(Alice's Mom comes in dressed as a witch and her fater as Count Dracula.)

Alice's Mom: "Sonny Boy."

Ralph (yells): "OH NO! NOT THAT REAL WITCH."

Alice: "Ralph, YOU WILL BE NICE."

Ralph: "All right I will."

Alice's Mom: "I see that you are dressed as a NY Giant. You sure are one."

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP NORTON!"

Alice's Mom: "I see that your jersey says that you are number one. Well, if you were a real player, I hope fans hold up one finger but I hope it ain't the middle one."

Ralph: "Oh boy!"

(They all arrive at the dance that has...16 people. Harvey and George are also there. They spot Ralph after Ralph had a few beers.)

Harvey: "Hey Ralph! I see that you are number one. Remember one is the lonliest number of all."

Ralph: "Harvey and George, I see that you two are Batman and Robin. I hope people don't get the wrong impression when they see you two together."

Alice's Mom: "Hey Ralph, didn't you tell me that these two had a 'special relationship'?"

Ralph: "Oh no!"

(Harvey, George & Ralph get in a fight that leaves Ralph with two black eyes. Alice's parents, Kramdens & Nortons arrive back at Chauncey Street.)

Alice's Mom: "You sure don't look like a real football player with those black eyes."

Ralph (yells): "YOU BLABBERMOUTH! YOU BLAB-ER-MOUTH!"

(Everyone tries to break up the fight.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Folks, I hope everyone has a safe and Happy Halloween."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)