Frank Gannucci
10-10-2008, 07:49 AM
Episode Reviews: "The Sun & Raccoon Capital" & "The Match Game":
Episode #198
TV: Hour-long musical.
DVD: Attached to "The Honeymoon Is Over", "Happiness Is A Rich Uncle", & "Hawaii, Oh! Oh!"
The episode opens up with dancers (June Taylor Dancers, of course) coming out and singing: “Miami Beach” in the Blue Philbin Hotel. After that, they leave. The Kramdens and Nortons arrive in Miami Beach. Ironically, I am sure you people know that these episodes were filmed in Miami Beach. They are staying at the finest hotel in Miami Beach, the Blue Philbin. Ed says that this hotel has entertainment for everything. The entertainment sounds…interesting. Alice: "We got to miss all of that entertainment just because they have tickets to see the Jackie Gleason Show." Ed: "I wanted to meet Johnny Olsen." They check in. Ed spots someone who is dressed in a rather ridiculous fashion. Since there are a lot of conventions that come to Miami Beach, he wonders what lodge he is from. Man: "None. I'm a policeman. I'm a plain clothes man." People are going whoooo-whooooing. They are people from the Raccoon Lodge that Ralph & Ed belong to. One of the Raccoons is the guy who played the arcade owner in "Play It Again, Norton." The girls turn their back as the boys do the Raccoon secret handshake which looks like they are playing "Patty cake" after which they go: "Whooo-whooo-whooo." Ralph introduces them as Red Courtney and Ace Fargo. Alice says that she would shake their hands but she is too old to play "Patty cake." Ace & Red are here for the Raccoon Convention. They are electing a Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler. Red or Ace says that they knew that Ralph & Ed were coming so they brought their uniforms with them. Ralph: "Who would do such a nice thing?" Alice: "The squirrels might. They are crazy about nuts." The girls look at the pool. The only person who is running for the G.H.E.M.R. is Hampton Shelton IV. He has said that when he is elected, there will be no more beer drinking before, during and after the meetings. He wants to take out all the pool tables, ban the poker games and he wants to let the wives come to the meetings. Ralph: "Sounds like some kind of communist to me." If only from someone from their own lodge will run, then everything will be fine according to Ace or Red. Ralph says that the cost of running the campaign for the G.H.E.M.R. is expensive. It is $15. They suggest Ralph Kramden because he is now a Hollywood songwriter. Ralph accepts. He has Ace's, Red's & Ed's respective votes. Ralph wants to get the word out to tall the Raccoons in the area that he is running. As soon as he sets up his headquarters, there will be free beer for everyone. They all try to leave. Hampton comes in all drunk. Ace or Red says that it is just to make the Raccoons think that he is a regular guy. Ed: "He is trying to build up a decent image." Ralph says that they have to fight fire with fire. So, they act drunk.
At Ralph's campaign headquarters, there are a lot of posters praising Ralph. A lot of beer is set up. Shelton just got nominated according to Ed. Shelton then fell off the platform. Ed: "There is no better way to get to a Raccoon's heart than to pass out in front of 5,000 of them." Ed tells all the Raccoons to tell them what is going on in here. Ralph is trying to get into his uniform…his pants are too big. In the storyline, (and Jackie in real life, of course) he lost weight. Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock." Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too." Ralph goes to put on his regular pants. Ed spots a poster of Ralph that according to him, looks like it is falling apart. Ed pulls it off to reveal a Richard Nixon poster that gets a lot of laughs and applause. Ed: "I wonder if this guy got elected to his lodge." Ralph says that with all of his campaign expenses, his half comes to $40. Ed complains since Ralph is the one getting all the benefits and not him. One of the benefits is an unlimited expense account up to $5 and another one is to drive the Raccoon mobile. Ed: "What am I going to get out of all this?" Ralph: "You are my special assistant. You will be there where all the big decisions are made. You will be there for all the top-level meetings. You will be in all the smoke-filled rooms." Ed: "Big deal. I work in the sewer all day and then at night, I have to sit in a smoke-filled room." Ralph demands the $40. Ed gives it to him. Ed asks if he can drive the Raccoon mobile because according to Ed, if he is wearing Ralph's big pants, no one will know the difference. No deal. Hampton comes in and drinks some of the beer and stumbles out like a drunk. Ed helps Ralph out with his nomination speech. Ed (reading) "`Fellow Raccoons, we are on the threshold of a new era. There are two candidates running: Hampton Shelton IV and Ralph Kramden. One represents the past. The other, the future. Would you like to go back to the dark ages with Hampton Shelton IV or would you like to zoom into the space age with Ralph Kramden? Would you rather be mired in the mud or would you rather shoot to the heights? Would you rather swing on a star be better of than you are…" Ralph (yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!" Ed said that he just got carried away. Ralph: "You make that speech and you will be carried away all right. Just say my good points." Ed: "Then it will be the shortest speech on record." Ed sits down to write down what Ralph will dictate. Ralph: "Brother Raccoons, Ralph Kramden promises you…promises you…read that back to me." Ed does. Ed: "Ralph Kramden promises you…promises you four pairs of Fruit of The Loom shorts." You see, Ed wrote his speech for Ralph on his record for the Income Tax. New speech. Ralph: "`Brother Raccoons, I recommend moderation. Moderation in all things. What do I mean by moderation? A little common sense. A little dignity. A little gambling. A little booze…'" Ed says that that is better than any other speech that Mussolini could ever write. Some Raccoons, along with Ace & Red come in. It's almost time for him to say Ralph's speech. Ed and some Raccoons leave. The rest of the Raccoons, sans Ralph have beer and then they sing: "I Will Be The Greastest Of All The Raccoons." After that, some of the Raccoons leave. Ed comes in. Ed says that he made such a great speech that they also nominated him.
At the hotel pool, some girls in their bathing suits (I think that they were Glea Girls) go back inside the hotel. Ralph & Alice come out. Alice wants them to sit in the sun even though Ralph is wearing pants and a collared shirt. Ralph is upset that he thinks that Ed turned his back on him by running against him and he is ungrateful since he let him in the Raccoons. Ralph is trying to set up a folding chair but he is having "trouble" doing so. You can tell that he is grabbing BOTH of the bottom ends of the chair with the top facing upward so it's impossible for him to set it up if he is holding it that way. Ed comes out all smiles, grabs a chair and has no trouble setting it up. He sits down. Ralph tells him to get up so that Alice can sit down. Ed grabs another chair and has no trouble setting it up. He sits down. Ralph tells him to get up so that he can sit in that chair. Ed does. Ed grabs another chair and the same thing happens, only this time Ralph doesn't tell him to get up. Alice is upset. They got her so nervous with that chair thing that she is leaving to go to the beach. She leaves. A bellhop comes with a telephone call for Ed. That must be one real long phone cord (either that, or they got an extension cord). Ed takes the call. Ed: "You found out that I was being nominated for Grand High Auxial-Auxila-Exalted…You got me so excited." I think Art slightly flubbed his line there. Ed thanks him for his support and hangs up. Ed: "I didn't know that Spiro Agnew was a Raccoon." Ed asks Ralph if he is mad at him. Ralph says yes of course. Ed then rehearses his speech that he is going to give at the convention tonight. Ralph says that he will not make any speech because he is heartbroken. He doesn't care about the G.H.E.M.R occupation. It's their friendship. According to Ralph, if Ed runs against him, twenty years of their friendship will go down the drain. I thought that Ralph once said in "A Little Man Who Wasn't There" that they were friends ever since they were kids. Ralph: "When one was broke, the other one lent them the money." Ed: "But I was always the other one." Ralph: "That is why you need my friendship." Ralph begs Ed not to read the speech Ed accepts. Ralph reads it and it says: "I Ed Norton, because of my great friendship to Ralph Kramden, withdraw from the race and I put all my support behind him." Uh oh! Ed will not read the speech now despite the fact that now Ralph wants him to read that speech. The girls come back as the boys are arguing. Trixie is wearing a gold outfit that almost COMPLETELY covers her body along with a gold hat. How is she supposed to get a tan in that? Ed explains everything that is going on. Ralph: "You are not qualified to run because you are too DUMB that's why." Wow, what a friend. Trixie gets in Ralph's face. Soon, the wives are now having a fight over whose husband is going to win in the election. They all sing: "That's Me." A song about who will win the G.H.E.M.R. Ralph & Ed leave in the middle of the song. After the song, the girls actually apologize to each other. Then they leave. I should also mention that all this time, the rest of the patrons around the Kramdens & Nortons said nothing.
Ralph's campaign headquarters is now split. Ralph's side is on the left and Ed's side is on the right. There is a line that separates the side. A line that cuts one of Ralph's posters in half. Ed's side has his campaign posters. Ed changes the sign that says: "Kramden On The Go" to "Kramden The Goon." A Charlie the Raccoon comes in with some girls to do some campaigning for Ed. The girls I think were Glea Girls (one of them is wearing a red sweater and gets some male wolf whistles from the crowd.) The other one is a fat old lady. Ed says that when she sees his wife, hide the poster or according to Ed, she will think that she and he are fooling around. Ralph comes in and wonders what is going on. Ed tells him. He says that since he contributed to half of Ralph's campaign expenses, he gets half the room and if Ralph wants to pass, he has to pay a slight toll charge of fifty cents. Ralph says that if Ed wants to wash his hands using the sink that is on his half of the room, it will cost him $1. Ed: "I can wash just one hand for fifty cents." They fight. Jim Knight from The Sunday Evening Raccoon Newspaper comes in along with Ace or Red. Ed said that he enjoyed reading Jim's editorial called "Should Red China Be Admitted To The Raccoons?" Jim is doing a story about the Raccoons running and he would like to have stories on Hampton, Ed & Ralph. Ralph says that he will be elected on the first ballot while Ed says that he hopes Red China will be admitted to the Raccoons. Time for Jim to get the background information Ralph says that he dropped out of school after he graduated the eighth grade. If that was possible, how can he be a bus driver? He was a bodyguard for the local church parish (he guarded the winners after they walked home from the bingo game.) Ed said that his birth certificate says that he was born in Brooklyn, but he says that he actually was born on at sea. Right in Cotter's Shawls. Ralph wants to change the way he was born. Ed leaves with Jim to get pictures of him. Ralph goes over the line. Ed: "That will cost you fifty cents." Ralph (holding up a fist): "Do you have change of this?" Ace or Red explains to Ralph that since Ed was born on Cotter's Shawl's, he was born 7 miles off shore. According to Section 6, paragraph 34 of the Raccoon by-laws, since Ed was born more than three miles off shore, he is not a US citizen. Wow! So, that means he can't be a G.H.E.M.R. (Also according to the by-laws, in order to become G.H.E.M.R., the person must have a 4th grade education or have passed an equivalency test.) This could knock Ed out of the race. According to Ace or Red, a mean candidate who is running against him would expose Ed's status and knock him out. Ace or Red leaves. Ralph sings a song about his problem while scary music plays. Ralph the Angel tells him to not tell the information while Ralph the Devil tells him to do it.
At the convention, Ed Norton speaks first. His speech includes him saying that the governor of Florida and the mayor of Miami Beach are in the audience. He also makes a reference to Tamiami Trail. Since I now live in Florida, I can safely say that I live close to that street and can say that it is (or was) a street that went from Miami to Tampa. After greeting everybody, he says that he is speechless. It's time for Ralph's speech. Ed blows a noise in Ralph's ear to antagonize him. Ralph: "I said it before and I will say it again. Raccoon audiences are the BEST." He says that he will not read the speech he prepared but he will now read the information that he feels that every Raccoon should know before they cast their ballots. He tells them that it consists of one of the candidates that are running for the G.H.E.M.R. office. Ralph asks Ed to stand beside him. Ralph says that they have been friends for a long time and all the good things they do together. Ed praises Ralph. Ralph & Ed try to convince everyone that the Raccoons are more important than their friendship. Ed says that Ralph is the only real friend that he has ever had in his life. Ralph. Ed says that he loves Ralph. He hugs him. Ralph says that one of the candidates is not qualified to run, but he doesn't say who. He withdraws from the race in exchange for his friendship with Ed. Ed withdraws his vote, so that means that Hampton Shelton IV who falls down in his seat completely drunk. The Kramdens & Nortons sing the Raccoon Alma Mater which goes: "From the hallowed streets of Greenpernt, To the shores of Sheepshead Bay, From the Verrazano Narrows, To Canarsie across the way...We have come together, one and all, In fellowship to commune, And to glorify the Grand Exalted Brotherhood of Raccoons."
At the curtain call, Jackie praises the Miami Beach audience and says good night. During the curtain call, Johnny Olsen plugs the next episode of the Color Honeymooners which stars Frances Langford. The episode is called: "The Match Game."
Episode #199
TV: Hour (edited)
DVD: Attached to "Double Trouble", "We're Off To See The Wizard", "Operation: Protest", "Women's Lib" & "Trixie's Honeymooners Memories (with Jean Kean) [aka "A Talk With Trixie."]
Nick Clooney says it is a pleasure to talk about the guest star (Frances Langford) in this episode no matter what the premise of this episode is. He then talks about Frances.
In Chicago, some dancers (June Taylor Dancers) come out and sing: "Chicago." During the song, they act like they are being blown around by wind. After that, they leave just as the Kramdens & Nortons arrive in Soldier's Field in Chicago. There are going to see the Chicago Bears Vs. New York Giants. He talks about Soldier's Field. Ed said he played football in Soldier's Field once. He was on the New York Sewer Workers team when they played the Chicago Sanitation Workers in the annual Garbage Bowl for charity. The charity? Fresh Air Fund. The game is about to start. They meet Mr. Young (the person who is going to give them the tickets). He has a publicity stunt. There is an electronic trade show in which there will be a computer to see which loving couples are made for each other. The stunt fits good with the song "Love On A Bus." Mr. Young leaves. A man greets Norton. He used to be friends with him. They talk for a few seconds and leave. After that, Norton reveals that was Bronco Branagan, one of the greatest sewer workers to play football for the sewer workers team. He was All-Sewer four years in a row. He got his football career permanently when he got an injury no sewerworker ever recovers from, which is water on the knee. Ha! How could that be? They then go to watch the football game.
The next day at the trade show, Ralph and Ed are shown near one of the computers. Frances Langford comes in (with applause). Ralph introduces themselves and says that they are hear to take a test to see if they match up correctly with each of their wives. She says she knows about them and the movie. She says that the wives are inside and her assistant is preparing their data cards for the machine. She tells them about the machine and says that they name it Clyde. Ed says that they are supposed to meet Prof. Vansickle. She introduces herself as Prof. Vansickle. Ed: "Pleased to meet you sir." Prof.: "I'm a woman." She says that the average layman thinks of the professor as a man and not a woman. She says that she invented that machine. Prof. Vansickle reveals her first name which is Bonnie. Ralph & Ed go to fill out their data cards. Prof. Vansickle says that Clyde can do anything. She and some male professors sing: "Ask Clyde" in which she mentions the fact that Jackie Gleason lost weight. Some male professors dance along. Prof. Vansickle asks for the short biography that him & Ed filled out for themselves. Ed: "I got them right here in my attach case." Ed gives them to her. It is revealed that Ed's highest level of education was the eighth grade. Ed: "I wasn't one of those drop outs." Ralph: "Do you always have to rub it in?" In "Manager of The Baseball Team", Trixie says that Ed didn't graduate from public school. The Prof. says that Ralph's card and Abraham Lincoln's are exactly the same. Ha! The girls come in with both their cards filled out. They put them in Clyde. Amazing that Trixie takes one look at the professor and doesn't realize that her and Frances look and sound EXACTLY the same. In "Honeymooners Christmas Party", it is revealed that Trixie and Frances worked together at some point. The professor puts in the Nortons cards in first. The machine says that they are a perfect match and they will be together for a long time. The professor puts in the Kramdens cards and it says the same thing. The professor realizes that she put in the wrong cards for the Kramdens (she put in Ed Norton's card in with Alice). She puts in the correct cards separately when a few minutes ago, she put the Nortons cards in a non-separate fashion. When she puts in the Kramdens cards, the machine breaks down and everybody assumes that that means that Clyde is telling them that they are not a perfect match.
At the hotel room, Ralph is upset that what the machine said. Alice says to Ralph to just ignore what the machine says. She isn't worried about it. Alice: "I have known all along that you weren't a perfect husband." Ralph: "How long have you known this?" Alice: "Try 19 years Ralph. That is how long we have been married." Ralph is upset at Alice now for her not telling him that he wasn't a perfect husband. Ralph: "Who else knows about the fact that I'm not a perfect husband?" Alice says nobody but radio-free Europe, their families, the Hong Kong Gardens etc. Ralph: "How do I rate from 1 to 100%? 65% is a passing grade." Alice: "You are 64 and a half." Ralph: "Tell me one reason why I am not the perfect husband." Alice says that he's thoughtless and never brings her anything for her anniversary, birthday etc. He is also sloppy. In past episodes, I'm sure Ralph has brung her things for her birthday and their anniversary. He also has a terrible temper. Ralph: "All right. That is one thing." Alice tells Ralph a lot of his good points. Alice tells Ralph not to worry. She also tells him of all the things that a woman loves. Alice: "The first thing he does is open the door for her, he will notice the flowers, compliment me, take Trixie's coat and fold it and get her a chair." Ralph bets some more that he doesn't. Ed comes in and does all the things that Alice claimed that he would (the only thing is that he throws Trixie's coat on the floor unbeknownst to the Kramdens). Ralph says that if Trixie sits down in that chair, he will kill Ed. Ed compliments Ralph on his hair-do. Alice says that Ralph is still upset over the computer test. The girls go inside the Norton's bedroom in the other room. Ralph says that Alice doesn't think that he is a perfect husband and that she will compare him to Ed. Ed: "If you are going to be compared to somebody, you better be compared to the best." Ed said that Ralph should treat Alice the same loving way that he treated Trixie. Ed sing: "Secret of A Happy Marriage Today" in which he dances along.
That night, Ralph wakes up Alice. Alice must have went to bed early. Ralph sings: “I’m In Love, In Love, In Love All Over Again.” The audience gives an ovation during the last seconds of the song. After that, Alice comes out. Ralph is now treating Alice romantically with a candlelight dinner. Ralph says that he has New Jersey-made champagne. Ralph gives her some bubbly for him and Alice. Ralph turns on some mood music. He accidently plays a record that plays a loud American patriotic song. Alice is laughing. Ralph turns off the music. Ralph: "That is the last time that I send Norton out to get some romantic music." Ralph talks about how nice Alice's ears look. He says that a part (or all) of them look like custard. Ed comes in. Ed: "Did somebody mention custard?" I now notice that the outside background looks VERY fake. Ralph talks to Ed privately and says it is his night to be romantic. Ed talks about the big game which is the New York Jets/Oakland Raiders. Ralph sounds like he is interested in watching. Alice says that he rather watch the game. Ed says that he doesn't care if Joe Namath sets a world record and the game doesn't mean anything to Ralph. Ed turns on Ralph's TV to the football game. The announcers voice (I think it is Johnny Olsen's) is loud. Ed takes the TV into his room while the set is still plugged in. I guess that the Norton's room must have been real close to Ralph's. Alice wants to continue the dinner and puts her arm around Ralph's neck. Ralph says that he lovers Alice and wants to continue the romantic dinner. He gets an earphone with a radio so he can listen to the game. Alice gets romantic with Ralph but Ralph is, unbeknownst to Alice, talking about the football game that he is hearing. Alice: "Who do you love?" Ralph: "Joe Namath. He is going to pass. I mean I love you Alice. Kiss me." Alice does. Ralph (yells): "GO BABY! GO!" Ralph slaps his hand on the table. Ralph: "Stepped out of bounds. You dirty bum." Alice finds out what Ralph has been doing and is upset. Alice: "This is the worst thing you ever done. The computer is right." She kicks Ralph out so he can watch the game. She is really angry at Ralph. Alice then sings: "Ralph Kramden, You Never Change."
The next day in the Norton's apartment, the Nortons are having breakfast. Ralph comes in and learns that Alice went out without her telling him. Alice comes in and ignores Ralph. She goes into the Nortons bedroom. Ed: "Nice to know that she isn't mad at you Ralph." Ralph (yells): "ALICE, LET ME IN THERE." She doesn't. Alice won't even let her explain. The Nortons go in another room. Ralph (yells): "ARE YOU READY FOR IT ALICE! ARE YOU COMING OUT! IF YOU DON'T COME OUT, I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING THAT YOU HATE. ARE YOU GOING TO COME OUT. ALL RIGHT. I'M GOING TO DO MY PETER LOURY IMPRESSION." Ralph (imitates Peter Loury): "'Do you have the information for me Mr. Miller? You don't have the information for me Mr. Miller? I'm supposed to get the information." Jackie gave his impression of Peter with the same lines in Jackie Gleason's Honeybloopers. Ralph yells at Alice to come out. Ralph says that he will spend all of his time with her just as soon as the Super Bowl is over. Ralph: "I will go anywhere with you. From the Super Bowl to the beginning of the baseball season. I'm giving up hockey. You just want a love machine Alice." Ralph (yells): "IF YOU DON'T COME OUT OF THAT ROOM BY THE COUNT OF FIVE, I WILL BREAK DOWN THE DOOR. BREAKING IT DOWN! 1...2...3...4..." Alice comes out with what was then NY Jet football players attire. She looks ridiculous. Alice: "If this is the way you want it, here I am." Ralph: "Baby, you're the greatest." They hug and kiss.
At the curtain call, Jackie says "How sweet it is." Jackie drinks some freeze-dried coffee. Jackie tries to talk, but due to an olive in his mouth, he can't. Everyone laughs. Jackie praises the state of Florida. Jackie talks about the Florida Chamber of Commerce and their oranges. Jackie talks about how the Florida Chamber of Commerce had a dispute with the Californian Chamber of Commerce about who had the best orange juice. Jackie: "They made two screwdrivers (vodka & orange juice). They made California orange juice and labeled it 'A' and made one with Florida orange juice and labeled it 'B'. Then to make the whole test real, they went on the street and got a guy on the street. They asked him to test the orange juice. He drank from 'A' & 'B' and finished both of them. They asked him: 'Which one is better.' He said: 'I can't tell you. Can I have more of that?' So, they made him a couple more of each. They said: 'Which one is better.' He said: 'Take the orange juice out of each of them and you got something.'" Everyone laughs. Jackie praises the Miami Beach audience and says "Goodnight!" I guess they were running long on time, so they had Jackie do this comedy bit. Surprisingly, they didn't have time to introduce the cast.
Episode #198
TV: Hour-long musical.
DVD: Attached to "The Honeymoon Is Over", "Happiness Is A Rich Uncle", & "Hawaii, Oh! Oh!"
The episode opens up with dancers (June Taylor Dancers, of course) coming out and singing: “Miami Beach” in the Blue Philbin Hotel. After that, they leave. The Kramdens and Nortons arrive in Miami Beach. Ironically, I am sure you people know that these episodes were filmed in Miami Beach. They are staying at the finest hotel in Miami Beach, the Blue Philbin. Ed says that this hotel has entertainment for everything. The entertainment sounds…interesting. Alice: "We got to miss all of that entertainment just because they have tickets to see the Jackie Gleason Show." Ed: "I wanted to meet Johnny Olsen." They check in. Ed spots someone who is dressed in a rather ridiculous fashion. Since there are a lot of conventions that come to Miami Beach, he wonders what lodge he is from. Man: "None. I'm a policeman. I'm a plain clothes man." People are going whoooo-whooooing. They are people from the Raccoon Lodge that Ralph & Ed belong to. One of the Raccoons is the guy who played the arcade owner in "Play It Again, Norton." The girls turn their back as the boys do the Raccoon secret handshake which looks like they are playing "Patty cake" after which they go: "Whooo-whooo-whooo." Ralph introduces them as Red Courtney and Ace Fargo. Alice says that she would shake their hands but she is too old to play "Patty cake." Ace & Red are here for the Raccoon Convention. They are electing a Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler. Red or Ace says that they knew that Ralph & Ed were coming so they brought their uniforms with them. Ralph: "Who would do such a nice thing?" Alice: "The squirrels might. They are crazy about nuts." The girls look at the pool. The only person who is running for the G.H.E.M.R. is Hampton Shelton IV. He has said that when he is elected, there will be no more beer drinking before, during and after the meetings. He wants to take out all the pool tables, ban the poker games and he wants to let the wives come to the meetings. Ralph: "Sounds like some kind of communist to me." If only from someone from their own lodge will run, then everything will be fine according to Ace or Red. Ralph says that the cost of running the campaign for the G.H.E.M.R. is expensive. It is $15. They suggest Ralph Kramden because he is now a Hollywood songwriter. Ralph accepts. He has Ace's, Red's & Ed's respective votes. Ralph wants to get the word out to tall the Raccoons in the area that he is running. As soon as he sets up his headquarters, there will be free beer for everyone. They all try to leave. Hampton comes in all drunk. Ace or Red says that it is just to make the Raccoons think that he is a regular guy. Ed: "He is trying to build up a decent image." Ralph says that they have to fight fire with fire. So, they act drunk.
At Ralph's campaign headquarters, there are a lot of posters praising Ralph. A lot of beer is set up. Shelton just got nominated according to Ed. Shelton then fell off the platform. Ed: "There is no better way to get to a Raccoon's heart than to pass out in front of 5,000 of them." Ed tells all the Raccoons to tell them what is going on in here. Ralph is trying to get into his uniform…his pants are too big. In the storyline, (and Jackie in real life, of course) he lost weight. Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock." Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too." Ralph goes to put on his regular pants. Ed spots a poster of Ralph that according to him, looks like it is falling apart. Ed pulls it off to reveal a Richard Nixon poster that gets a lot of laughs and applause. Ed: "I wonder if this guy got elected to his lodge." Ralph says that with all of his campaign expenses, his half comes to $40. Ed complains since Ralph is the one getting all the benefits and not him. One of the benefits is an unlimited expense account up to $5 and another one is to drive the Raccoon mobile. Ed: "What am I going to get out of all this?" Ralph: "You are my special assistant. You will be there where all the big decisions are made. You will be there for all the top-level meetings. You will be in all the smoke-filled rooms." Ed: "Big deal. I work in the sewer all day and then at night, I have to sit in a smoke-filled room." Ralph demands the $40. Ed gives it to him. Ed asks if he can drive the Raccoon mobile because according to Ed, if he is wearing Ralph's big pants, no one will know the difference. No deal. Hampton comes in and drinks some of the beer and stumbles out like a drunk. Ed helps Ralph out with his nomination speech. Ed (reading) "`Fellow Raccoons, we are on the threshold of a new era. There are two candidates running: Hampton Shelton IV and Ralph Kramden. One represents the past. The other, the future. Would you like to go back to the dark ages with Hampton Shelton IV or would you like to zoom into the space age with Ralph Kramden? Would you rather be mired in the mud or would you rather shoot to the heights? Would you rather swing on a star be better of than you are…" Ralph (yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!" Ed said that he just got carried away. Ralph: "You make that speech and you will be carried away all right. Just say my good points." Ed: "Then it will be the shortest speech on record." Ed sits down to write down what Ralph will dictate. Ralph: "Brother Raccoons, Ralph Kramden promises you…promises you…read that back to me." Ed does. Ed: "Ralph Kramden promises you…promises you four pairs of Fruit of The Loom shorts." You see, Ed wrote his speech for Ralph on his record for the Income Tax. New speech. Ralph: "`Brother Raccoons, I recommend moderation. Moderation in all things. What do I mean by moderation? A little common sense. A little dignity. A little gambling. A little booze…'" Ed says that that is better than any other speech that Mussolini could ever write. Some Raccoons, along with Ace & Red come in. It's almost time for him to say Ralph's speech. Ed and some Raccoons leave. The rest of the Raccoons, sans Ralph have beer and then they sing: "I Will Be The Greastest Of All The Raccoons." After that, some of the Raccoons leave. Ed comes in. Ed says that he made such a great speech that they also nominated him.
At the hotel pool, some girls in their bathing suits (I think that they were Glea Girls) go back inside the hotel. Ralph & Alice come out. Alice wants them to sit in the sun even though Ralph is wearing pants and a collared shirt. Ralph is upset that he thinks that Ed turned his back on him by running against him and he is ungrateful since he let him in the Raccoons. Ralph is trying to set up a folding chair but he is having "trouble" doing so. You can tell that he is grabbing BOTH of the bottom ends of the chair with the top facing upward so it's impossible for him to set it up if he is holding it that way. Ed comes out all smiles, grabs a chair and has no trouble setting it up. He sits down. Ralph tells him to get up so that Alice can sit down. Ed grabs another chair and has no trouble setting it up. He sits down. Ralph tells him to get up so that he can sit in that chair. Ed does. Ed grabs another chair and the same thing happens, only this time Ralph doesn't tell him to get up. Alice is upset. They got her so nervous with that chair thing that she is leaving to go to the beach. She leaves. A bellhop comes with a telephone call for Ed. That must be one real long phone cord (either that, or they got an extension cord). Ed takes the call. Ed: "You found out that I was being nominated for Grand High Auxial-Auxila-Exalted…You got me so excited." I think Art slightly flubbed his line there. Ed thanks him for his support and hangs up. Ed: "I didn't know that Spiro Agnew was a Raccoon." Ed asks Ralph if he is mad at him. Ralph says yes of course. Ed then rehearses his speech that he is going to give at the convention tonight. Ralph says that he will not make any speech because he is heartbroken. He doesn't care about the G.H.E.M.R occupation. It's their friendship. According to Ralph, if Ed runs against him, twenty years of their friendship will go down the drain. I thought that Ralph once said in "A Little Man Who Wasn't There" that they were friends ever since they were kids. Ralph: "When one was broke, the other one lent them the money." Ed: "But I was always the other one." Ralph: "That is why you need my friendship." Ralph begs Ed not to read the speech Ed accepts. Ralph reads it and it says: "I Ed Norton, because of my great friendship to Ralph Kramden, withdraw from the race and I put all my support behind him." Uh oh! Ed will not read the speech now despite the fact that now Ralph wants him to read that speech. The girls come back as the boys are arguing. Trixie is wearing a gold outfit that almost COMPLETELY covers her body along with a gold hat. How is she supposed to get a tan in that? Ed explains everything that is going on. Ralph: "You are not qualified to run because you are too DUMB that's why." Wow, what a friend. Trixie gets in Ralph's face. Soon, the wives are now having a fight over whose husband is going to win in the election. They all sing: "That's Me." A song about who will win the G.H.E.M.R. Ralph & Ed leave in the middle of the song. After the song, the girls actually apologize to each other. Then they leave. I should also mention that all this time, the rest of the patrons around the Kramdens & Nortons said nothing.
Ralph's campaign headquarters is now split. Ralph's side is on the left and Ed's side is on the right. There is a line that separates the side. A line that cuts one of Ralph's posters in half. Ed's side has his campaign posters. Ed changes the sign that says: "Kramden On The Go" to "Kramden The Goon." A Charlie the Raccoon comes in with some girls to do some campaigning for Ed. The girls I think were Glea Girls (one of them is wearing a red sweater and gets some male wolf whistles from the crowd.) The other one is a fat old lady. Ed says that when she sees his wife, hide the poster or according to Ed, she will think that she and he are fooling around. Ralph comes in and wonders what is going on. Ed tells him. He says that since he contributed to half of Ralph's campaign expenses, he gets half the room and if Ralph wants to pass, he has to pay a slight toll charge of fifty cents. Ralph says that if Ed wants to wash his hands using the sink that is on his half of the room, it will cost him $1. Ed: "I can wash just one hand for fifty cents." They fight. Jim Knight from The Sunday Evening Raccoon Newspaper comes in along with Ace or Red. Ed said that he enjoyed reading Jim's editorial called "Should Red China Be Admitted To The Raccoons?" Jim is doing a story about the Raccoons running and he would like to have stories on Hampton, Ed & Ralph. Ralph says that he will be elected on the first ballot while Ed says that he hopes Red China will be admitted to the Raccoons. Time for Jim to get the background information Ralph says that he dropped out of school after he graduated the eighth grade. If that was possible, how can he be a bus driver? He was a bodyguard for the local church parish (he guarded the winners after they walked home from the bingo game.) Ed said that his birth certificate says that he was born in Brooklyn, but he says that he actually was born on at sea. Right in Cotter's Shawls. Ralph wants to change the way he was born. Ed leaves with Jim to get pictures of him. Ralph goes over the line. Ed: "That will cost you fifty cents." Ralph (holding up a fist): "Do you have change of this?" Ace or Red explains to Ralph that since Ed was born on Cotter's Shawl's, he was born 7 miles off shore. According to Section 6, paragraph 34 of the Raccoon by-laws, since Ed was born more than three miles off shore, he is not a US citizen. Wow! So, that means he can't be a G.H.E.M.R. (Also according to the by-laws, in order to become G.H.E.M.R., the person must have a 4th grade education or have passed an equivalency test.) This could knock Ed out of the race. According to Ace or Red, a mean candidate who is running against him would expose Ed's status and knock him out. Ace or Red leaves. Ralph sings a song about his problem while scary music plays. Ralph the Angel tells him to not tell the information while Ralph the Devil tells him to do it.
At the convention, Ed Norton speaks first. His speech includes him saying that the governor of Florida and the mayor of Miami Beach are in the audience. He also makes a reference to Tamiami Trail. Since I now live in Florida, I can safely say that I live close to that street and can say that it is (or was) a street that went from Miami to Tampa. After greeting everybody, he says that he is speechless. It's time for Ralph's speech. Ed blows a noise in Ralph's ear to antagonize him. Ralph: "I said it before and I will say it again. Raccoon audiences are the BEST." He says that he will not read the speech he prepared but he will now read the information that he feels that every Raccoon should know before they cast their ballots. He tells them that it consists of one of the candidates that are running for the G.H.E.M.R. office. Ralph asks Ed to stand beside him. Ralph says that they have been friends for a long time and all the good things they do together. Ed praises Ralph. Ralph & Ed try to convince everyone that the Raccoons are more important than their friendship. Ed says that Ralph is the only real friend that he has ever had in his life. Ralph. Ed says that he loves Ralph. He hugs him. Ralph says that one of the candidates is not qualified to run, but he doesn't say who. He withdraws from the race in exchange for his friendship with Ed. Ed withdraws his vote, so that means that Hampton Shelton IV who falls down in his seat completely drunk. The Kramdens & Nortons sing the Raccoon Alma Mater which goes: "From the hallowed streets of Greenpernt, To the shores of Sheepshead Bay, From the Verrazano Narrows, To Canarsie across the way...We have come together, one and all, In fellowship to commune, And to glorify the Grand Exalted Brotherhood of Raccoons."
At the curtain call, Jackie praises the Miami Beach audience and says good night. During the curtain call, Johnny Olsen plugs the next episode of the Color Honeymooners which stars Frances Langford. The episode is called: "The Match Game."
Episode #199
TV: Hour (edited)
DVD: Attached to "Double Trouble", "We're Off To See The Wizard", "Operation: Protest", "Women's Lib" & "Trixie's Honeymooners Memories (with Jean Kean) [aka "A Talk With Trixie."]
Nick Clooney says it is a pleasure to talk about the guest star (Frances Langford) in this episode no matter what the premise of this episode is. He then talks about Frances.
In Chicago, some dancers (June Taylor Dancers) come out and sing: "Chicago." During the song, they act like they are being blown around by wind. After that, they leave just as the Kramdens & Nortons arrive in Soldier's Field in Chicago. There are going to see the Chicago Bears Vs. New York Giants. He talks about Soldier's Field. Ed said he played football in Soldier's Field once. He was on the New York Sewer Workers team when they played the Chicago Sanitation Workers in the annual Garbage Bowl for charity. The charity? Fresh Air Fund. The game is about to start. They meet Mr. Young (the person who is going to give them the tickets). He has a publicity stunt. There is an electronic trade show in which there will be a computer to see which loving couples are made for each other. The stunt fits good with the song "Love On A Bus." Mr. Young leaves. A man greets Norton. He used to be friends with him. They talk for a few seconds and leave. After that, Norton reveals that was Bronco Branagan, one of the greatest sewer workers to play football for the sewer workers team. He was All-Sewer four years in a row. He got his football career permanently when he got an injury no sewerworker ever recovers from, which is water on the knee. Ha! How could that be? They then go to watch the football game.
The next day at the trade show, Ralph and Ed are shown near one of the computers. Frances Langford comes in (with applause). Ralph introduces themselves and says that they are hear to take a test to see if they match up correctly with each of their wives. She says she knows about them and the movie. She says that the wives are inside and her assistant is preparing their data cards for the machine. She tells them about the machine and says that they name it Clyde. Ed says that they are supposed to meet Prof. Vansickle. She introduces herself as Prof. Vansickle. Ed: "Pleased to meet you sir." Prof.: "I'm a woman." She says that the average layman thinks of the professor as a man and not a woman. She says that she invented that machine. Prof. Vansickle reveals her first name which is Bonnie. Ralph & Ed go to fill out their data cards. Prof. Vansickle says that Clyde can do anything. She and some male professors sing: "Ask Clyde" in which she mentions the fact that Jackie Gleason lost weight. Some male professors dance along. Prof. Vansickle asks for the short biography that him & Ed filled out for themselves. Ed: "I got them right here in my attach case." Ed gives them to her. It is revealed that Ed's highest level of education was the eighth grade. Ed: "I wasn't one of those drop outs." Ralph: "Do you always have to rub it in?" In "Manager of The Baseball Team", Trixie says that Ed didn't graduate from public school. The Prof. says that Ralph's card and Abraham Lincoln's are exactly the same. Ha! The girls come in with both their cards filled out. They put them in Clyde. Amazing that Trixie takes one look at the professor and doesn't realize that her and Frances look and sound EXACTLY the same. In "Honeymooners Christmas Party", it is revealed that Trixie and Frances worked together at some point. The professor puts in the Nortons cards in first. The machine says that they are a perfect match and they will be together for a long time. The professor puts in the Kramdens cards and it says the same thing. The professor realizes that she put in the wrong cards for the Kramdens (she put in Ed Norton's card in with Alice). She puts in the correct cards separately when a few minutes ago, she put the Nortons cards in a non-separate fashion. When she puts in the Kramdens cards, the machine breaks down and everybody assumes that that means that Clyde is telling them that they are not a perfect match.
At the hotel room, Ralph is upset that what the machine said. Alice says to Ralph to just ignore what the machine says. She isn't worried about it. Alice: "I have known all along that you weren't a perfect husband." Ralph: "How long have you known this?" Alice: "Try 19 years Ralph. That is how long we have been married." Ralph is upset at Alice now for her not telling him that he wasn't a perfect husband. Ralph: "Who else knows about the fact that I'm not a perfect husband?" Alice says nobody but radio-free Europe, their families, the Hong Kong Gardens etc. Ralph: "How do I rate from 1 to 100%? 65% is a passing grade." Alice: "You are 64 and a half." Ralph: "Tell me one reason why I am not the perfect husband." Alice says that he's thoughtless and never brings her anything for her anniversary, birthday etc. He is also sloppy. In past episodes, I'm sure Ralph has brung her things for her birthday and their anniversary. He also has a terrible temper. Ralph: "All right. That is one thing." Alice tells Ralph a lot of his good points. Alice tells Ralph not to worry. She also tells him of all the things that a woman loves. Alice: "The first thing he does is open the door for her, he will notice the flowers, compliment me, take Trixie's coat and fold it and get her a chair." Ralph bets some more that he doesn't. Ed comes in and does all the things that Alice claimed that he would (the only thing is that he throws Trixie's coat on the floor unbeknownst to the Kramdens). Ralph says that if Trixie sits down in that chair, he will kill Ed. Ed compliments Ralph on his hair-do. Alice says that Ralph is still upset over the computer test. The girls go inside the Norton's bedroom in the other room. Ralph says that Alice doesn't think that he is a perfect husband and that she will compare him to Ed. Ed: "If you are going to be compared to somebody, you better be compared to the best." Ed said that Ralph should treat Alice the same loving way that he treated Trixie. Ed sing: "Secret of A Happy Marriage Today" in which he dances along.
That night, Ralph wakes up Alice. Alice must have went to bed early. Ralph sings: “I’m In Love, In Love, In Love All Over Again.” The audience gives an ovation during the last seconds of the song. After that, Alice comes out. Ralph is now treating Alice romantically with a candlelight dinner. Ralph says that he has New Jersey-made champagne. Ralph gives her some bubbly for him and Alice. Ralph turns on some mood music. He accidently plays a record that plays a loud American patriotic song. Alice is laughing. Ralph turns off the music. Ralph: "That is the last time that I send Norton out to get some romantic music." Ralph talks about how nice Alice's ears look. He says that a part (or all) of them look like custard. Ed comes in. Ed: "Did somebody mention custard?" I now notice that the outside background looks VERY fake. Ralph talks to Ed privately and says it is his night to be romantic. Ed talks about the big game which is the New York Jets/Oakland Raiders. Ralph sounds like he is interested in watching. Alice says that he rather watch the game. Ed says that he doesn't care if Joe Namath sets a world record and the game doesn't mean anything to Ralph. Ed turns on Ralph's TV to the football game. The announcers voice (I think it is Johnny Olsen's) is loud. Ed takes the TV into his room while the set is still plugged in. I guess that the Norton's room must have been real close to Ralph's. Alice wants to continue the dinner and puts her arm around Ralph's neck. Ralph says that he lovers Alice and wants to continue the romantic dinner. He gets an earphone with a radio so he can listen to the game. Alice gets romantic with Ralph but Ralph is, unbeknownst to Alice, talking about the football game that he is hearing. Alice: "Who do you love?" Ralph: "Joe Namath. He is going to pass. I mean I love you Alice. Kiss me." Alice does. Ralph (yells): "GO BABY! GO!" Ralph slaps his hand on the table. Ralph: "Stepped out of bounds. You dirty bum." Alice finds out what Ralph has been doing and is upset. Alice: "This is the worst thing you ever done. The computer is right." She kicks Ralph out so he can watch the game. She is really angry at Ralph. Alice then sings: "Ralph Kramden, You Never Change."
The next day in the Norton's apartment, the Nortons are having breakfast. Ralph comes in and learns that Alice went out without her telling him. Alice comes in and ignores Ralph. She goes into the Nortons bedroom. Ed: "Nice to know that she isn't mad at you Ralph." Ralph (yells): "ALICE, LET ME IN THERE." She doesn't. Alice won't even let her explain. The Nortons go in another room. Ralph (yells): "ARE YOU READY FOR IT ALICE! ARE YOU COMING OUT! IF YOU DON'T COME OUT, I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING THAT YOU HATE. ARE YOU GOING TO COME OUT. ALL RIGHT. I'M GOING TO DO MY PETER LOURY IMPRESSION." Ralph (imitates Peter Loury): "'Do you have the information for me Mr. Miller? You don't have the information for me Mr. Miller? I'm supposed to get the information." Jackie gave his impression of Peter with the same lines in Jackie Gleason's Honeybloopers. Ralph yells at Alice to come out. Ralph says that he will spend all of his time with her just as soon as the Super Bowl is over. Ralph: "I will go anywhere with you. From the Super Bowl to the beginning of the baseball season. I'm giving up hockey. You just want a love machine Alice." Ralph (yells): "IF YOU DON'T COME OUT OF THAT ROOM BY THE COUNT OF FIVE, I WILL BREAK DOWN THE DOOR. BREAKING IT DOWN! 1...2...3...4..." Alice comes out with what was then NY Jet football players attire. She looks ridiculous. Alice: "If this is the way you want it, here I am." Ralph: "Baby, you're the greatest." They hug and kiss.
At the curtain call, Jackie says "How sweet it is." Jackie drinks some freeze-dried coffee. Jackie tries to talk, but due to an olive in his mouth, he can't. Everyone laughs. Jackie praises the state of Florida. Jackie talks about the Florida Chamber of Commerce and their oranges. Jackie talks about how the Florida Chamber of Commerce had a dispute with the Californian Chamber of Commerce about who had the best orange juice. Jackie: "They made two screwdrivers (vodka & orange juice). They made California orange juice and labeled it 'A' and made one with Florida orange juice and labeled it 'B'. Then to make the whole test real, they went on the street and got a guy on the street. They asked him to test the orange juice. He drank from 'A' & 'B' and finished both of them. They asked him: 'Which one is better.' He said: 'I can't tell you. Can I have more of that?' So, they made him a couple more of each. They said: 'Which one is better.' He said: 'Take the orange juice out of each of them and you got something.'" Everyone laughs. Jackie praises the Miami Beach audience and says "Goodnight!" I guess they were running long on time, so they had Jackie do this comedy bit. Surprisingly, they didn't have time to introduce the cast.