"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Stop saying 'okay.' Say: 'That will be very good sir.'"

Thelma: "Okay."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "This (Ed) is my guest and I'm your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP."

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Can I use this hankerchef?"

Ralph: "It is one of my new ones. Just remember, it's for showin', not blowin'."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Fred: "You will have to eat as much in order to stay alive Ralph."

Ed: "Even that will be too much."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Norton, how can I lose a few inches in a few hours?"

Ed: "Maybe all that food made you shorter."

"Hero Part 1":

Herman Gruber: "I remember our class picture Ralph. You were in the first row."

Ed: "In the first row? He must have BEEN the first row."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won the TV set on the movie ticket that Ralph got.)

Ed: "It's just like the guy said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "You chalk up your pool cue like this."

(Ralph chalkes up his pool cue while Alice watches.)

Alice: "Well that is the stupidest thing I ever heard of."

Ralph (during which Jackie is perhaps trying to hold back his laughter): "You are the stupidest thing I ever heard of."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "Nobody is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"

Now on for my skit:

(The Kramdens are in the kitchen eating breakfast. Ralph has 10 pancakes on his plate.)

Alice: "Oh Ralph, I forgot to tell you. Last night, my mother asked us to come to my parents house to celebrate Father's Day with my dad."

Ralph: "Alice, I forgot to tell you this too. My mother has called and I accepted her invitation for both of us to go to my parents to celebrate Father's Day with my dad. We will be away from your MOTHER."

Alice: "Oh Ralph, what are we going to do?"

Ralph: "We will go to my parents. I won't be anywhere near your parents, especially your mother."

Alice: "Ralph, how dare you say that about my parents? What did my father do to you? I know my mother is sometimes nasty to you, but my dad hasn't."

Ralph: "What has your dad done for me?"

Alice: "What did you say?...What did you say?"

(A pause.)

Ralph: "I don't chew my cabbage twice."

Alice: "It's surprising given your weight."

Ralph: "Oh, you are going to get it Alice."

(Ed comes down.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph-ie boy! What are you going to do on Dad's Day?"

Ralph: "I don't know Ed."

Ed: "Well, I do. Me and Trix are going to spend the day with both of our parents."

Alice: "Ralph, I have an idea."

Ralph: "So do I. Thank you Norton. You gave me an idea. You are a pal."

Ed: "Thank you Ralph. You are a sweet kid. I'll see you laater. Bye!"

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: "Alice, why don't we do what Ed & Trixie are doing. We will celebrate it with both of our parents in one place. Baby, I'm so sorry for how I acted. I promise to control my anger from now on."

Alice: "I forgive you Ralph."

Ralph: "You're the greatest."

(They hug & kiss.)

(Jackie Gleason comes on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. I just want to say to all the dads a happy Father's Day."

(Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience applauds.)

(The end.)