Chapter 1- The Bad Guys

The Evergreen Forest at night was anything but peaceful. Within the boundaries of the lush green plants, hundreds of creatures went about their business. A night bird cocked it's head high in the branches and listened for a minute to the cries of other nocturnals before echoing with its own. A family of rabbits rushed to their warren quickly. They were safe for the moment – the huge cat sleeping above them only ate an hour ago. A lizard leapt onto a nearby rock but scurried away quickly when it sensed large movements beside it. It hid under an exposed root and watched the two disturbing shadows slid past.

The shadows did not belong in the forest. They were not there to search for prey nor were they headed towards the river. In fact, they were going in the exact opposite direction towards a group of temporary shelters that were even more out of place than the shadows were. Masked by night and the natural forest animals noises, the two moved as silently as possible into the camp.

They paused by a mansion, Sneer mansion to be exactly correct. One of the figures conjured up a device of some sort and appeared to check it and then shook its head at the other figure. They moved on and opened the door.

"This is it." whispered the first shadow. The second nodded, motioned and they slipped inside Sneer Mansion.

It was even darker inside Sneer Mansion but shadows have no fear of darkness. The first shadow shivered, though the thermometer in the watch it was wearing read 99˚F. The second shadow was sifting through the contents of a crate.

"C'mon, what the hell's taking so long?" asked the first bear.

"It ain't like they're just going to leave it out in the open, you know," said the second bear. "What's your damn hurry?"

The first bear stiffened slightly and replied "No hurry. Old Man Sneer's place just gives me the creeps is all."

"What the hell are you two afraid of? Pigs?" asked Cyril evilly. There was no answer.

"Very funny, Mr Sneer." the first bear said sarcastically.

"You know, this'd go a lot faster if you weren't so slow, Mr Sneer." said the second bear.

"I'm not damn slow," yelled Cyril and the first bear lifted the lid of the nearest crate. "You bears are slow, you know, you're as slow as my pigs, DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?"

The two bears immediately stopped what they were doing, came over to look in the crate and said "Oh man."

"I knew we shouldn't've taken this job!" said the first bear as he picked up something and looked at it in awe. It was cylindrical, green and gently glowing. There were about 40 others still in the crate.

The two bears looked at each other as the second bear said "We're in a whole lotta trouble here.

Suddenly, the lights went on. Blinded and de-shadowed, it took the bears a moment to be able to see the mass of burly men surrounding them as the first bear thought So that's where all the guards were.

The two bears surveyed the various weapons being pointed in their direction. The second one shook his head and said "Man, this is why I hate business trips."

Chapter 2- Ace Raccoon, Secret Agent

London was a city of restaurants. From snooty five-stars to run-down diners, even the most discerning of appetites can find something edible in the area. The food at The Falling Saucer was more than edible having been rated "Most Diverse Menu" by local critics for the past three years running and placed on the Top Ten Mid-Range Restaurants list for five.

Although the food was unarguably diverse (ostrich steaks and ox-tail soup were among the favorites on the menu), it was really the atmosphere that made the place so popular. The acoustics were designed so well that even when the building was filled to capacity at over 300 tables near silence reigned over the patrons as long as they spoke in normal tones.

Which was why table 43 was receiving some very pointed looks.

"Look, Sadie love," said a male raccoon with a Coventry accent at that table. "It ain't you. It's me."

"Don't you start with me, Andrew Cameron Edmund Raccoon," said Sadie, a female raccoon with a cokcney London accent. "You used that exact same line the last time we broke up!"

Andrew Cameron Edmund Raccoon a.k.a 'Ace' started to mentally slap himself but stopped when Sadie did it for him. Ouch. Now that he thought about it, she was right, he had used that line last time. Or was it the time before? He had long since lost track of the number of times he and Sadie had broken up, got back together, broken up, got back together…ever since they had first met in college. Was there a line he hadn't used? He thought harder.

"I wannna know the truth," said Sadie. "Ace, are you listening to me? The truth!"

Well, there's a first time for everything. thought Ace looked at the redhead across from him. Her arms were folded and she was utterly ignoring the stares from the other tables focusing on him her patented death glare. So much for thinking she wouldn't make a scene in public. She probably thought there was someone else. He almost laughed. Who else would put up with him? He had been working with MI5 for most of his adult life and he was, well, the job. Women came second and in his limited experience, they didn't stand that for long. Except Sadie. Sadie who had followed him to her native London. Sadie who got him his first job. Sadie who would do anything for him.

Anything except break up with him which was the only thing he was interested in right now.

The truth, eh? thought Ace. Let's see…how about you're the only girl I've ever met who only grows a spine when we break up? That our fights when it's over are the best part of our relationship? That I've finally figured out that I want something more than a shadow…with fangs?

Ace shook his head. He didn't really want to hurt her, they'd been friends too long for that. Well…friends…slightly psychotic acquaintances…same thing. She was still waiting as Ace thought Well, here goes.

"I've been sent on a mission." replied Ace.

She hadn't expected that and asked "You what?"

"A mission. In the Evergren Forest in Canda," said Ace. "You know, for that joint effort thing. Anti-terrorist stuff." He tried to make it sound as though he wasn't excited about it and didn't want to get far, far away from Sadie.

Sadie gave her head a shake and recovered her anger and asked "You expect me to believe that?"

"I asked Charlie myself," replied Ace. "He said it's all but guaranteed."

That did it. Sadie got up so fast she knocked her chair over and said "Oh really? Well I don’t ever want to see you again, Andrew Cameron Edmund 'Ace' Raccoon!" She threw her napkin at the table, grabbed her purse and was about to storm off when she stopped and turned a few feet away.

"One more thing, you're fired!" Sadie yelled as she flounced as if she had made her point and finished storming off.

Ace looked sheepishly around at the shocked patrons and shrugged.

"Never date your boss." he advised them.

Two weeks later, Ace was walking through his nearly-bare flat in a tree in Ravenscourt Park making sure he hadn't forgotten to pack anything. His transfer had come through quicker than he expected (Sadie probably had something to do with that) and he had to get out now or pay another six month's rent which in London was no small beans.

Anti-terrorism. Finally, I get to be the good guy again. thought Ace as he had found that after working with MI5 for a while, you sometimes get confused about whose side you're really on. Was he working to protect the people from drugs? That he could handle. Criminals? No problem. But you can't protect people from themselves. he thought tiredly. He had seen too many people destroy their own lives and had to clean up the mess afterwards. He had seen abuse of all kinds and he had seen fellow agents who were so used to it, they hardly saw it anymore. He didn't want to end up like that. He had already seen too much.

He went through the bathroom and bedroom and was inspecting the kitchen when the mail dropped through the slot on the front door. Ace noted that he still had to get the sole surviving plant he owned down from the ceiling hook and went to go get his daily junk.

"British Express bill…I may have won a million quid…application for an Visa card…" Ace muttered to himself as he sorted through the small pile of envelopes. He came to a single hand-written envelope at the bottom of the pile.

"Bugger!" Johnny. "I knew I forgot to tell someone I was moving! Some best mate I am." he said irritably to the potted plant which listened attentively.

Ace sighed and opened the letter, after checking the return address. Still at the boarding house nearby. Johnny Raccoon had been saying he wanted to get out of there and see the world ever since he graduated from Hammersmith and West London College. But somehow, something had always gotten in the way. Right now, it was money. Regardless of how great his friends and family thought Johnny's paintings were, the fact remained that they just weren't selling. He was working at Mrs Vitello's right now to make ends meet and from what Ace had heard he gathered that those few boarders with paying jobs helped him out from time to time.

He read the letter which was full of optimism as usual. Same old Johnny. As always, he had a plan to get the money he needed but first, he had to take care of some problems with the boarders, his mother, a friend… Ace shook his head. Johnny was never getting out of there. Maybe when his widowed mother died (she was still going strong despite being well into her 50s by now), he could sell the boarding house and…but no, not if anyone still needed to live there. Johnny just couldn't abandon anyone like that. So, he was stuck. Ace finished the letter, folded it and jammed it in his back pocket.

At least he seems happy. he thought but he couldn't imagine Johnny without his sense of hope. He thought back to his school days with a smile thinking of all the do-goody things he had done for his best friend's sake. It was partly in honor of those times and his friend that he was changing his life now. And partly because he was looking for something, he knew that. He just didn't know what it was he was looking for.

"I'm a screwed up bloke," Ace told the plant as he unhooked it from the ceiling and prepared to go. "But all that's gonna change, you'll see." The plant thought it best not to respond.

"Hey, pal," said an American voice a week later. "I'm going for some coffee, want some?"

"No thanks," replied Ace. "And my name's Andrew Cameron Edmund Raccoon but folks call me Ace."

"Right, nice to meet you," said the same male aardvark. "My name's Cedric Sneer. See you around then."

"Sure." said Ace as he leaned back under the tree he was sitting under and rubbed his eyes. His first day in the Evergreen Forest and he was already getting eye strain from the birds flying in the sky above him. He had never realized that a forst looked so…boring. He stared around seeing animals run around.

When he had reported to the founder of the Evergreen Standard Ralph Raccoon, Ace had been assigned a field position almost immediately. It seems that MI5 had been hearing rumors about certain biological weapons possibly being smuggled into the States through small-size medical and chemical export/import companies anywhere around the world. It was more a long shot than anything else and no more details were known about it but they didn't want to take any chances. Hence Ace's new assignment with the added instructions to "keep an eye out". He had the distinct impression that this was one of those assignments no one else would touch.

Actually, the whole thing seemed kind of ridiculous to Ace. Ralph had offered him a new identity for the job but he had decided it was best to keep it simple, besides, he felt silly enough as it was. What was he supposed to be looking for? They didn't even ship supplies through in the Evergreen Forest, it was just a forest to anyone visiting. Any smuggling would be done in New York and the people he was working with certainly didn't seem like terrorists. They were boring maybe but not dangerous.

He sighed. Oh well, he hadn't met everyone in the office yet. Who knows, maybe there was an evil villain lurking around here somewhere with a secret underground tunnel where he kept… He shook his head and thought Obviously, I've read and seen way too many Luke Warm mysteries over the years.

Coffee anywhere was starting to sound good though. It was only 2:30pm and he needed waking up if he was going to make it until 5:00pm. Ace got up, stretched and headed to a cafe and sat at an empty table.

Someone was talking up ahead. It sounded like someone was getting reamed out by a superior. Not wanting to get in the way, he slowed down some to let them finish before he got there. He could hear two people, one male, one female. The female seemed to be the one doing most of the talking. The male sounded like he was about to say something too.

"Okay, I'll read the damn memo." the male raccoon said.

"Nopw you're talking," said the female raccoon. "Next time, you tell me directly, okay? That means to-my-face, Bert! You know that!"

Bert got out of there so fast he almost ran into Ace.

"Sorry, Pal." he said and Ace was shocked to recognize him as Bert. At the time, he had struck him as a bit of a jerk though Ace was changing his mind fast. Curious to see the female raccoon responsible for telling Bert this, he peered around the corner.

At first, he couldn't see her face. She had bent over to retrieve a paper Bert had probably dropped on the floor in his hurry. She was wearing a sleevless V-neck tank top that fit her form in a way that made him think maybe this mission wouldn't be so boring after all. Ace smoothed his black roll-neck sweater without thinking as she turned around to face him.

"Sorry, I was just…" she didn't finish. Instead, she stared at him with her bright blue eyes, framed nicely by her grey fur and sexy female raccoon features.

Ace realized he was staring back, blinked and said "Hey, Melissa."

Chapter 3- Surprises Tend to Come in Pairs

"Hey, Melissa." Ace said to his former American girlfriend.

Melissa didn't have a chance to respond. Behind him, Ace heard Bert asking "You know this bozo?". Ace turned and was surprised to see that Bert called him a "bozo".

"Look here, mate," said Ace. "No one calls me a-"

But Melissa had had time to get over her shock at seeing Ace. She smiled at Bert and said "Ace, this is my husband Ralph's second cousin Bert Raccoon. Bert, this is my ex-boyfriend Andrew Cameron Edmund 'Ace' Raccoon." Both Bert and Ace started glaring at each other and thought that the other one was a total jerk.

Bert had already called Ace a "bozo" though he still seemed rather likely to do it again. He turned to Ace, gave him the frowning of a lifetime and said "So, I see you've had the pleasure of meeting the photograhper of the Evergreen Standard."

Ace frowned back and said "Sure I do, I went out with Melissa Raccoon when I spent two weeks here when I was 15 years old."

"Kiss my ass," snapped Bert. "Look, Ace, if that's your real name, listen to me, loud and clear. If you try kissing Melissa at all, I'm gonna tell her husband Ralph. Unfortunately, he's good at telling Melissa's ex-boyfriends he's glad to see them. Pretty good. They single-handedly refused to give up the Evergreen Standard once. I love Melissa too, Pal. Ralph'll hear about this and kill you."

Both Bert and Ace were walking to the office of the Evergreen Standard, Ace's mind now totally awake and no longer needing coffee. As soon as they got to the office, Ralph greeted Ace and said "I heard you're Melissa's ex-boyfriend Ace Raccoon. Ignore Bert trying to kick your ass, he thinks he's a secret agent." He risked a small smile and showed Ace around.

Ace's head was spinning. He sat down at the chair opposite Ralph's desk and tried to make the room stand still. It was Melissa. It had to be. And she had recognized him too. He was suddenly very glad that he hadn't used a fake identity for this job. But what was he really doing here, in the Evergreen Forest of all places? He had always figured Dr Evil might be beind this whole plot. To him, Melissa looked so…Grown up, he realized and caught his reflection in an empty metal clipboard on his desk. He noticed that he looked a lot like Bert but he had a nice looking goatee coming in to make up for it. He winked at his image and though We may be grown up but some things never change. Case in point, I still look great in a suit.

"Ace Raccoon?" a male voice said.

Ace snapped out of it and focused on Cedric who was behind him and said "Hang on, have we met before?"

"Yeah, I'm Cedric Sneer and you've got a message." said Cedric as he handed Ace a single sheet of paper which he read quickly.

Look, Lone Ranger Face,
Here's the deal: I heard of you and I don't like the sound of you. We might be like you and your nemesis Dr Evil. So just stay out of my way and I won't kick your ass, got that?
Cyril Sneer.

"Hang on," Ace told Cedric. "Did your dad say anything to you when he gave you this?" He waved the note towards him.

Cedric said "I say as little as possible to my pop and he does the same to me. He orders me to do something, I say 'Okay, pop' and that about covers it."

Ace stood there for a second. There were lots of trees and plants in this forest and he smiled.

"Haven't I had enough surprises for one day?" he asked himself.

Bert, Ralph and Melissa finished gathering up their things, Melissa slung her pink bag over her shoulder and they all left the office office for the day, the door locking automatically behind them. Ace watched them go out of the office and followed them, his boot heels staccato against the linoleum. Thankfully, he didn't hear anything as he walked up to the three raccoons.

Ace had a lot on his mind. He barely noticed Bert as he looked at Ralph and Melissa, got on his motorbike as they got on their bikes and too to the Raccoon Dominium where they lived. Then they all just sat on their bikes staring at a nearby wall. Some graffiti artist had sprayed the words "Born to Kill" on it and Ace found himself thinking that about summed up his current mood. He took a deep breath and went to the Raccoon Dominuim with Bert, Ralph and Melissa.

It wasn't that he loved Melissa these days. True, he still had feelings for her but it wasn't really him that bothered her so much these days. He just re-entered her life by accident. No, not like everyone, he thought. Better. Much better. Ace had this habit of turning up at the worst possible times usually when even he least expected it. He wondered briefly if he and Ralph were ever in league of girlfriend together but dismissed the idea as yet another flight of fantasy he was so prone to.

But what was he doing here? Why now of all times, and at this job? Melissa couldn't picture Ace being happy in Cubeville. He just didn't seem like the desk job type. Hadn't Dr Evil said Cyril Sneer was teaming up wth him? What, couldn't he keep a job in London? He had to be pretty desperate to end up in this place. After all, the Evergreen Forest's motto was "Welcome to the Middle of Nowhere".

The four raccoons entered the Raccoon Dominium and Bert, Ralph and Melissa showed Bert around for a moment. Maybe it was a coincidence. And maybe an alien civilization was building skyscrapers inside Ace's nose. He noticed that this place was pretty fancy, picked up his cellphone, called Johnny and thought What the bloody hell are you doing here, Dr Evil?

"Hey, Johnny, it's Ace," Ace said. "I'm in the Evergreen Forset and I was wondering if you might see it."

"I can't leave London yet, Ace," said Johnny. "My mum needs me at the boarding house."

"Johnny, your mum can still bench press 210 pounds at 50-something years old." smiled Ace.

"I know and she's still does it as fast as she used to," said Johnny. "Besides, she'd miss me around here and I've got a lotta time to work on my paintings this way."

"Yeah but-" Ace began.

"I know, you're worried about me," Johnny said. "Don't be. I'm fine. I'll be ok, Ace. Speaking of which, how's this Evergreen Forest thing going for you? You saw anyone there?"

"Well let me put it this way, Johnny boy," said Ace. "Ravenscourt Park rocks compared to the Evergreen Forest."

"Are you saying the Evergreen Forest sucks?" asked Johnny.

"I saw my ex-girlfriend Melissa who you've heard a lot about." replied Ace.

"Wow," said Johnny. "Well, maybe it'll get better once you get to know some other people. You know, maybe they can show you what they do around there for fun."

Ace thought about Bert, Ralph and Melissa and thought Oh yeah, Ralph Raccoon's second cousin Bert's just a barrel of laughs. He started to make a sarcastic remark to that effect when he remembered Bert.

"You're right," said Ace. "Melissa workd as a photographer for the Evergreen Standard now. I ran into her in a local cafe, I guess she's doing pretty well and she's married too." Suddenly, he thought Never mind that she was still as sexy as the last time I saw her.

Ace took advantage of the silence on the other end of the line to put the phone down for a second. He pulled on an Arsenal T-shirt, stole a glance in the mirror beside Bert's bunk bead and thought Well, I look like I live in the Evergreen Forest. Not much else good I can say about this outfit. He grimaced and picked up the phone again.

It was still quiet as he asked "Johnny? Hello?"

"Uh, yeah, sorry, Ace," said Johnny. "I'm here. I guess I just got lost in thought for a moment. You did say your ex Melissa was married, right?"

"Yeah." replied Ace.

"Wow," said Johnny. "I mean, I guess she's the first of your exes to really get married, eh?"

"What about Nadia to Randy?" asked Ace.

"Well, besides them." said Johnny.

"Sharon to Eugene?" asked Ace.

"Yeah but everyone knew-" began Johnny.

"Don't forget Frankie to Ray," said Ace. "Their kid's due in November by the way. I got the announcement when she found out that she was pregnant."

"Yeah I heard about-" began Johnny.

"And didn't Debbie marry some supermodel from-" interrupted Ace.

"Ok, ok, you've made your point," said Johnny. "I just can't see your Yankee ex Melissa being married, that's all. Who's the bloke?"

"Johnny, his name's Ralph Raccoon," replied Ace. "He also runs the Evergreen Standrard, God help us, and I've never heard of that til now."

"C'mon, Ace," Johnny snorted into the phone. "She wasn't that bad."

That's if you met her. thought Ace as he said "Whatever, Johnny boy. Look, I gotta go. It's getting pretty late and one of us works for a living and I'm on a mission."

"I'll have you know I'm getting up before noon tomorrow to help a couple of contractors patch the roof." said Johnny.

Ace rolled his eyes and said "I've got nothing to say to that, Johnny."

"Ok, well, think of me when you get up in the morning," said Johnny. "You have to be up and on this Sneer hunting mission by what, six?"

"I'm hanging up now, Johnny." said Ace.

"I'm only kidding," said Johnny. "Remember that next time you start to worry about me though, ok? I'll let you go."

"Sure, whatever," said Ace. "See ya later."

"See ya, Ace." said Johnny.

Ace hung up the phone and wondered mildly if he was going to get any sleep tonight. He had been been in the Evergreen Forest for a few hours now and seen nothing more of Bert, Ralph, Melissa and Cedric. Melissa always seemed to be too sexy for her own figure. Ralph was at a loss to explain it but he had heard a lot about Ace from Melissa. He knew she had a reason for breaking up with him for 2 weeks to gout with Ace. And he knew she always had a plan. Whether it was something sinister or not was up for grabs at this point.

He took in a deep breath of the cool night air as he stepped out of the Raccoon Dominium and smiled. There was almost no moon outside which was perfect for what he had planned.

I always love the first night out, thought Ace. Okay, Cyril mate. Time to find out what you're planning. And why you're hiding it from everyone.

Chapter 4- Man of Mystery

The trees in the Evergreen Forest look alike in the dead of night. The only signs of life were the occasional bored security guard making his rounds and perhaps a dog barking from somewhere far off. It was the silence that made any such part of the forest seem so dead. The complete, total and absolute silen—

CRASH!

Any such part of the forest, that is except perhaps Sneer Mansion.

This is not my night, thought Ace as he picked himself up from the wreckage he had just caused. He looked down at his feet to see what he had tripped over. I swear that dustbin lid wasn't there this morning.

He shook his head and began cleaning up the mess by the dim light his pocket flashlight provided. He had only been in Sneer Mansion about 45 minutes and had already knocked into a lunch cart, slammed into a door someone had left open and fallen into a rather large potted tree in the lobby narrowly escaping the notice of any of Cyril's bears.

If I didn't know better, I'd say this place was amateurly booby trapped Ace thought but that was ridiculous. The fact that Sneer Mansion was so easy to break into gave evidence enough that there was nothing in here worth protecting. Ace had almost decided to give up and try back later however. May as well have brought a megaphone so I could shout "Ace's Raccoon's coming!" to anyone else who might be here. He finished putting the trash back and stood up.

He was finally on his floor. His object in coming tonight had been twofold – first, figure out if anyone else was interested in coming to Ical after hours, and if possible who and why. Second, snoop around Sneer Mansion a bit to try and see what Cyril Sneer was up to, if anything. He'd already scared off anyone here so that was out. On the other hand, Cyrils' office was just a few feet away. Ace checked his watch with his flashlight and thought Still fifteen minutes before Cyril's bear check this place. Well, guess I could try and get one thing done before I leave then. He headed – carefully – down the hall.

The cheap lock on Cyril's door was easy enough to pick and in just a few moments, Ace was shining his flashlight around in his office. He hadn't really noticed it much and he took the opportunity to check it out. It was very neat, almost clinically so which struck him as contrary to the Cyril who's photo he saw as he thought But he's a jerk. He's so evil.

There were no pictures of any family members or friends anywhere to be seen except Cedric and business acquaintance, the other decoration was a print on the wall of a male aardvark by a white building which Ace thought he recognized from some art class along the way. He walked over to inspect his desk.

There was nothing on it worth noting. He wondered if he should risk turning on his computer but decided not to try it tonight. Instead, he just went through his desk drawers. The two top ones had a few office supplies in them and the middle was empty. Ace shook his head, pulled on the bottom drawer and thought Well, this is turning out to be a productive night.

It was locked. A few twists with a bit of wire remedied that. He opened the drawer and looked with surprise at the mess inside. There was paper everywhere in no apparent order, several notebooks in varying colors, a cigar case and a gold framed photograph of his wife Antionette. He looked at it. It had the words My darling Cyril, all my love, Antionette written on it.

Sod it, who knew this Cyril Sneer bloke'd hang on to this thing? thought Ace. Now this is more the Cryil I've heard about from J. He put the photo back and surveyed the drawer with satisfaction picking up what looked like the last piece of paper he had stuffed in it.

It was a printout of an email he had sent, apparently put here to remind him to call the addressee. Ace didn't recognize the address he had sent it to.

Dr Evil,
I know how much this venture means to you but I have to recommend against it for right now. Give me some time to tilt the odds in your direction first, and you'll have a much better chance of success. Your enemy Andrew Cameron Edmund 'Ace' Raccoon may have an idea of what's going on and if that's the case then I'll find out about it and take whatever actions are necessary to insure a profitable return. Trust me on this one. You know I'll do whatever needs to be done. I'll call you when I've got more information.
Yours truly,
Cyril Sneer.

A sound from out in the hall made Ace put back the paper and close the drawer so fast he almost slammed his finger in the desk as well. He crouched by Cyril's chair, checked his watch and stopped. He still had four minutes before the guard was supposed to check this floor, and he knew this guard - he might be late on his round, but never early. Ace held his breath and listened.

There. Footsteps. Someone else was here. Curious, he crept to the door and looked through the gap underneath. No dice. Whoever it was, they didn't want to be caught. Either that or they simply had no need for oh, say a light at three in the morning. He couldn't even see the bright sweeps of a flashlight being used as he thought Oh, that's killer. Three minutes til those bears get here and this bloody jerk's blocking my exit! He couldn't hear exactly where the person was outside but didn't want to risk them seeing him leaving Cyril's office.

Wait. He heard the muffled steps suddenly become much clearer and realized that he must have been hearing them on carpet before and that they now had moved onto the linoleum. Which means he had to have been in a cubicle since they and the offices are the only places with carpet around here and I didn't hear a door close. He tried to picture what was down the hall. The main door was at the very end around the corner then came the other door. Suddenly, he very much wanted to know what this person was doing.

The footsteps clicked past him and turned the corner towards the stairs. Ace noted that whoever it was, they were apparently much better at avoiding trash cans than he was. He had two minutes before the bears arrived. Quickly as possible without making a noise, Ace opened Cyril's door and slid into the hallway. Now what? If he left by the side stairs, he might run into someone else. But any minute now the guard would be coming up the main stairway. He'd probably be better off ducking back into the office and hoping the guard only checked to see if it was locked. Or…

He was never sure what made him do it but instead of going back, Ace went forward. He entered Cyril's attic and did a quick check with his flashlight. It didn’t look like anything was amiss. At least I don't think Cyril keeps anything valuable in here. Sure, I'm not even sure that creep was up here. He thought as he thought about checking the others but realized that he wouldn't notice if anything was missing anyway.

Someone was coming! Ace dived for the only hiding place in sight – behind an antique mirror. He moved the 19th century mirror in front of him and waited for the guard to pass. He heard footsteps again and then saw the faint outline of a shadow moving by the stairs. But wait – this person didn't have a flashlight either. Had the first intruder doubled back or was this yet another unauthorized visitor? Who knew Sneer Mansion was the place to be at 3:00am?

The person in the hallway stopped for a moment and Ace realized he was listening to the same sound Ace was unconsciously hearing. The guard, whistling aimlessly, was coming up the main stairs. Ace heard the person turn, hesitate, then walk…right towards him. Find your own hiding place, this one’s taken. he thought indignantly.

The intruder must have read his mind because suddenly he turned around again and ran off towards the side stairs. Ace let out a sigh of relief as the other person ran down the hall, turned the corner and—

CRASH! "Bloody hell!"

…slammed into a trash can. A smug smile spread across Ace's face. He wanted more than anything to go see who else was sneaking around Sneer Masnion but even the deafest of guards will hear if you overturn a metal trash can 40 ft away from him.

"Hey," said a gruff bear voice. "Who the hell's there?"

There was a mad scuffle of feet, the sound of a guard running and panting heavily and then silence.

Well. Ace stood up. That guard was going to be busy for a while. Time enough to finish sorting through Cyril's bottom drawer.

Ah, coffee, thought Ace. Sod ambrosia, this is the true sustenance of the gods.

"…and these reports need to be proofread and distributed as well." Ace said as he noticed that Cedric, along with a blue haired young female aardvark, dumped yet another pile of paperwork on his fater's desk, noticed Ace ans said "You okay there, Ace? You look a little down and out."

"I'm ok, Cedric," said Ace. "I'm sure your dad'll have these ready as soon as he can."

"Cedric, aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?" asked the female aardvark as she saw Ace.

"Sophia, this is Ace Raccoon," said Cedric. "Ace, this is my girlfriend Sophia Tutu."

The next morning in the Raccoon Dominium, Ace sipped on his fifth cup of coffee and tried once again to make sense of the world. There had been no more incidents last night after the guard left (he must not have caught the burglar because he seemed very disgruntled when he left) but Ace was no closer to figuring out what was going on either. Though he had read through every scrap of paper in Cyril's drawer, none had made any more specific references to the "venture”. Most of the notebooks had been empty with large sections of pages torn out. The few with writing in them were scribbled on so badly it was impossible to read what they had said.

The only other object of interest to Gerald was a photo he had found at the very bottom of the pile. It was only interesting to him because it was familiar – he had an exact copy at home in his apartment. Everyone of the gang had one. It was a photo of Cedric as a 17 year old with Cyril. Although Ace had looked carefully through his things and found nothing out of the ordinary, the thought that someone might have been in his office while he was on this mission bothered him. He had no way of knowing what they were looking for or what they had found. He also didn't have a door to lock. He could be careful about what kind of information he left in his desk but he was still a bit worried about his computer.

This morning before work, Ace sent an email to MI5 headquarters and picked up a little device that would relieve his mind some. It was a keycatcher, a cylindrical memory device which would record every key typed on his computer. If someone broke in and looked at his files, he would know about it by the next morning. All he had to do was plug it into the back of his laptop computer and he was all set. Ace knelt on the ground beside his laptop tower and turned it around to do just that.

There was only one slight problem. A keycatcher was already in place.

Chapter 5- Back in Sneer Mansion

Cedric was not having a good day three days later. It had taken him three days to get to Ace through Bert. The pigs had the apparent sole purpose in life of thwarting any attempts to speak with him. For two days, they had refused to make an appointment. On the third day, today, he had simply walked into the Raccoondominium and found Bert fighting with Ace.

After a hasty explanation that he was pretending to fight with Bert, Ace told Cedric his report. He was, however, supremely unconcerned. He dismissed the keycatcher, ignored Cyril's suspicious email and flatly refused to run a criminal check on Cyril. The only thing he thought was interesting at all was Ace's story of the two extra intruders that night.

"Wow," said Cedric. "Me and the guys wouldn't have put you there if we didn't think there was something going on."

He told Ace to try and discover their identities, something Ace was already planning to do and smiled.

This was only the beginning of Ace's mission. Once he was outside, he mentally cursed Bert all the way. Well, at least that'll give whoever checks this keycatcher a puzzle. Ace thought as he saw two sheepdogs. All this to say, Ace was in no mood to be tackling the company laser printer but tackle it he must as he needed 200 copies neatly printed of a report on splint faults. (Which wasn't as interesting as it sounded)

Ace sent the report to the printer from his laptop computer, then got up and headed towards the media room. He walked through the open doorway and approached the printer warily. It was a mammoth thing leftover from the 80s with a bad temper to boot. It was also the only semi-nice printer in the building. And it did not like Ace.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a red light begin to flash and thought Sod it. After a few minutes, he gave up hope that it would just blow over and went to investigate. The printer was making gurgling sounds in the pit of its gullet somewhere. On the status screen, it screamed "ERROR 33" which was of no help at all since all the manuals had been lost years ago. Ace eyed the printer. The printer eyed him back. Ace reached out a tentative finger and pressed the "Clear" button. The printer hiccupped, spat out a few sheets of blank paper and turned on it's "Paper Tray Empty" light.

Ace opened the paper tray. It was bloody full. Liar. he thought as he closed the tray but the light didn't go off. He tapped the tray lightly with his foot and was rewarded with a slight mechanical sound from the printer. Thus encouraged, Ace tapped a few more times, then, getting into the spirit of the thing, hauled back and kicked the tray hard.

The printer did nothing. The tray, however, dented nicely. Bugger and now my foot hurts. thought Ace as he folded his arms and glared at the machine.

Suddenly for no apparent reason, the printer cleared it's error lights and began to print out a document. Ace blinked in surprise, let out a small whoop and grabbed one of the papers to inspect it.

This ain't my bloody report, it's Old Man Sneer's shipping account. Ace thought with a groan and turned his vengeful eyes upon the evil printer.

"I order you, by the evil computer demon Og…"

The printer clicked at him impatiently.

"Erm, and the even eviler printer demon, uh, Pog…"

The printer continued happily printing the shipping account. Ace lost what little temper (and, quite possibly, sanity) he had left. He grabbed both sides of the machine and shook it wildly.

"Come out, come out, come out, sod you," yelled Ace. "Print, I say, print, print print, print, print, print, print, pri—!"

"Ahem."

Ace whirled around. Three pigs were standing in the doorway giving him a rather odd look. Naturally, I should have remembered those James Bond movies I saw. thought Ace.

"Sorry, guys," said Ace. "I was having some problems with the printer."

Lloyd cocked his head at him and said "Hey, you're Ace Raccoon and I assume you've attempted to fix the problem?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever." said Ace.

"How?" wondered the three pigs.

"Oh…by ignoring the problem and hoping it would go away?" suggested Ace.

"Okay. After which you of course tried a different method." replied Floyd.

"I used…percussion therapy." stated Ace.

"Yeah," said Boyd looking at the dented paper tray. "We thought as much. And did that work?"

"No." said Ace.

"So you naturally decided an exorcism was in order?" asked Lloyd.

"It seemed the logical choice, guys." replied Ace.

"Sure. Well, we don't mind telling you, Mr Raccoon," said Ployd as he stepped towards the printer cautiously. "That so far you've gotten further than we ever have with this thing. Damnit, it's printed my document instead. Well, pages 3 through 11 at any rate." Lloyd picked up the papers and thumbed through them.

"The boss might be happy with this," said Boyd. "We doubt well get anything better out of it."

The four of them had been standing around poking and prodding while the printer amused itself by occasionally turning various lights on and off for about twenty minutes when they were interrupted.

"Okay, which of you idiots left a huge print job on the IE666 without bothering to print it off?" asked Cyril as Ace and the three pigs looked sheepishly at him and he did not look pleased.

"Oh, that'd be me, Cyril. Sorry." Ace answered.

Cyril looked at Ace in exasperation and screamed "And you just left it in memory? This thing can't take that! Plus now you've screwed up the whole network with rejected packets, I can barely get online!"

Ace and the pigs tried their best to look as though they completely understood the problem. Cyril took one look at their faces and rolled his eyes in a way that said plainly "DANMIT!" He strode over to the printer, glanced at the error lights and pressed a button.

The printer positively purred as it began to print out Ace's report. He blinked.

"How did—" Ace asked as Cyril's look cut him off. "I mean, thanks Cy—Mr Sneer."

"Don't mention it," Cyril said as he left the room. "And that paper tray's coming out of your salary, Raccoon."

How could he say that when I don't bloody well work for him? Ace thought with relief as the pigs looked at him curiously. "What?"

When the printer had finished, (Ace felt that it did it grudgingly but it did finish) Ace picked up his report and left, hoping he or Bert wouldn't have to deal with the media room again today. He was thinking about the puzzle that was Cyril which probably explains how he ended up in front of his office instead of making a run for it the second he saw the pigs. When he saw where he was, he turned to go back but paused at hearing his voice.

Cyril was on the phone with someone and he wasn't yelling. That in itself told Ace that this was something he wanted to hear. He pretended to be looking for something in his report absent mindedly while standing as near to his cracked open door as he could without being seen.

"Okay then, let's do it tonight," he was saying. "No, I don't think so. I won't be able to make it 'til late…okay, midnight'll be fine. How about here? Teenage raccoons stick to the front…yeah I know. Don’t worry about me, I've got it under control." Cyril laughed which startled Ace.

I've never heard him laugh since I got here. Ace he realized. "Oh yeah, pally boy. See you then." He hung up the phone and Ace walked out of Sneer Mansion with a smile on his face.

Sounds like I've got a date tonight. thought Ace.

That night, some teenage raccoons had not even bothered to show up tonight which was perfect for the people planning on meeting in the back lot. And for the person planning on watching them.

Ace was dressed in his dark "I-work-at-MI5-and-would-never-dream-of-spying-on-you" outfit again crouched in some convenient bushes near the building. It was 11:55pm and no one had shown up yet as Ace himself thought Why aren't evil plotting people ever early?

He shifted position. One of the most tedious jobs in the world was surveillance when there was nothing to see. Ace hoped they would show up soon or his butt was going to fall asleep. Or else he would. He still hadn't had much coffee today though he did manage a nap between work and coming here.

"Freeze, scumbag." said a female voice. He froze. Someone walked up behind him and pressed what felt like a gun to his back pushing him into a nearby tree.

"Hands up." the voice said again as Ace held up his hands and turned his head slightly towards the lights nearby. The person behind him took in a sudden breath of air.

"Ace?" the voice said for the third time but he didn't answer.

"Turn around." the voice commanded. He did and his captor stepped into the light. Ace blinked. It wasn't Melissa.

Chapter 6- Mystery Girl

As a matter of fact, it wasn't anyone Ace remembered ever meeting before. His captor was a slender female raccoon who was about the same height as Melissa. She was looking down it at him in a way that made Ace want to sink into the ground as quickly as possible. Her hair was pulled into a pony tail and she was dressed in a pink T-shirt, a black leather jacket, blue jeans and a pair or black ankle boots. Despite the fact that this made her look like a biker, she appeared to be very comfortable with the gun she was pointing at Ace. As he wrestled with this apparent contradiction in his mind, the woman relaxed slightly and the barrel of the gun tilted just a bit more towards the ground.

That was enough for Ace. With a quick upwards kick, the woman's weapon went flying through the air and as she instinctively dived after it, Ace ran.

There wasn't a lot of places to hide in a forest so he swerved quickly back towards the bushes trying to make his way in a zig-zag pattern towards the front of the store. A warning shot rang out over his head and he could hear shouting behind him though he couldn't quite make out what she was saying. He was certain he didn't want to stick around and find out however so he put on an extra burst of speed just as he got to the corner of the Blue Spruce Cafe and ran into something which, as he probably should have figured out by now, was never a good idea. Suddenly, Ace found himself on his back, staring at the night sky and in considerable pain. He had a gut feeling that he knew what had happened before he even sat up to see the female raccoon again.

The click of a gun being cocked was almost expected. Wonder what my tombstone'll say? "Gunned down for being an idiot and forgetting basic training" if the MI5's got anything to do with it, thought Ace. I can't believe I just stood up like that. This whole thing must have been an ambush and I'm just the moron to fall for it. Maybe now Bert'll take my suspicions about Cyril seriously. Not that it'll do me much good at this point.

The female raccoon, now slightly out of breath, spoke a bit more forcefully than before and said "Get up, Raccoon. Hands in the air and don't even think about trying any other cute tricks."

Ace found that he could move, albeit painfully, and began getting up slowly. He made himself look behind a bush. He could feel a knot of fear curling in his stomach and thought I'm gonna die. Just a few minutes and…don't think about it, Ace, just don't think. There's gotta be a way out of this, there's gotta be. Oh, come on, Ace, you've got nothing. Maybe your guardian angel'll choose this moment to show up for God's sake.

What was odd about this thought was that as soon as he finished it, Ace saw, or imagined he saw, a sliver of a shadow in the darkness in front of him. He kept staring at it. Even if it wasn't an angel, it was at least something to look at rather than the female raccoon, something to keep his mind off the gun at his back…now the shadow seemed a bit more solid. What if someone's really there? thought Ace as his next thought was to distract his captor so that she wouldn't notice…well, whatever there was to notice, if anything. As he tried to think of a way to do this without getting shot, a raccoon form began to materialize out of the shadow. A raccoon form moving quickly towards them.

Say something, Ace! Ace thought as he said "Um, hey listen…" Then, he got a better look at the raccoon hurrying towards them and his words caught in his throat.

"Erin!" called a British male voice.

Funny, I never imagined my guardian angel with an eye twitch. thought Ace.

The male raccoon finished running up to them and, panting slightly, pulled out a gun from beneath his jacket, pointed it at Ace and said "Erin, if you intend to shoot one of my former enemies, then I better help you."

There was a very tense moment. Ace didn't seem to be breathing. He was involuntarily staring at Erin trying to will his eyes to move. She kept her gun pressed firmly at the nape of his neck. The male raccoon's eye twitched rapidly but his gun didn't shake a bit.

Then, without warning, Erin laughed. Hard. She's cracking up, Ace thought but before he could figure out what was happening,the male raccoon started laughing as well. In a matter of seconds, both Erin and her pal had put away their weapons and were close to hysterical holding onto each other for support. Ace rubbed the back of his neck and frowned at them. What's this about? Why are they acting like old friends all the sudden?

"Care to tell us why you two are acting like old friends all the sudden?" asked Ace as he struggled to get up.

Erin stopped laughing long enough to wipe a few tears from her eyes and said "Well, I don't know about old, Ace but me and Kenny are—"

"Acquaintances," Kenny put in quickly."Associates of Dr Evil, really." He glanced at Erin and she let go of him abruptly.

"Yeah, well. We do run into each other from time to time in the workplace, yeah." Erin responded and became once again severely business-like. Kenny was frowning at Ace and to look at him and Erin, one never would have guessed that they even were capable of laughter, much less hysterical with it. Ace chose not to deal with Kenny's frown right now, turning instead to Erin.

"Who sent you here," Ace asked with feeling. "Dr Evil?"

Erin looked surprised that Ace didn't know and said "No, some aardvark guy did."

Ace shook his head stubbornly and said "No, he didn't."

This, somehow, didn't help Ace.

Kenny made a disgruntled noise and said "All Dr Evil's agents are firmly grounded in the techniques necessary to check out an area before attending a scheduled meeting. Why you crossed our path, Ace is another question entirely."

"Oh please," snorted Ace. "You must admit she's a few fries short of a Happy Meal."

Early the next morning, Ace was in the Raccoondominium absently stirring his tea and staring out the window at the sunrise.

He had figured that him meeting Melissa again would be awkward. After all, they hadn't seen each other in however many years, then they met and each thought the other was up to something…and now they saw each other again? How exactly were they going to manage that?

Fortunately, they didn't really see each other during the day. Around the forest, they usually moved in different circles anyway so it was a matter to act like nothing had happened. Indeed when Ace saw her briefly in the hallway he had trouble remembering that something had happened as her smile at him was exactly the same as it had always been. He had thought vaguely that maybe he should pinch himself or something.

However, when he showed up behind the abandoned merry-go-round near the park, there she was, waiting for him. And, oddly enough, the first thing she did was smile.

Of course, she was smiling because she was about to make fun of his "I-work-for-MI5" outfit but still it was a start. She had established coolly the fact that even though he worked for MI5, she felt a lot of need to be nice to him. He had responded in kind and they had got to work.

Actually, it was like the first time they met each other. Once they got past the idea that they were being forced to work together, both of them had gone into "plotting mode". It had always happened that way growing up – no matter how much they had tortured each other that day, they could always put their differences aside to work on a plan, be it baseball strategies, officer pranks or driving the occasional runaway bus. Ace half-smiled at that thought and thought The things we did…man, pulling Melissa out of that wrecked bus – I wasn't sure I was alive, much less her…

"Hi, Ace." Meliss said waving her left pal in front of Ace's face.

Ace shook his head and said "Hey, Melissa. I was just thinking about the time we drove that city bus before I went back to Bligthy. I couldn't reach the pedals, remember?"

"I remember crashing," said Melissa. "I closed my eyes and thought I was going to die. Next thing I know, I open my eyes and Ralph's helping me out of the bus window."

"Actually, that was me." said Ace.

"Was it?" asked Melissa.

"Sure. Remember?" asked Ace. "You asked me if we were alive and I said—"

"You said you weren't sure yet," Melissa interupted. "Oh yeah. Ralph helped me too." Melissa went back to flipping through her notes, head down.

Oh, Melissa, thought Ace. You've got a way of making me feel brave just 'cause you think I can't read your mind.

"I went into Old Man Sneer's office in his place and I had nightvision goggles on," said Ace. "I guess MI6 haven't been hit with as many budget cuts as MI5 lately."

"Oh my god, Cyril'll yell at you when he finds out." Melissa said.

Ace blinked as he thought I gotta stop doing that!

A cell phone rang which sounded strange in the deserted area of the park they were in. Melissa held up a finger and answered it.

"Hello?" Melissa said. "Ralph honey, listen, can I call you back? I'm kinda—" But she was cut off by a series of squeaks that even Ace could hear. He couldn't make any sense out of them however and apparently, Melissa was having the same problem.

"What? Ralph, what the hell-- No, I don't know what the hell you're talking about! Calm down and…" Meliss said as she frowned in confusion as the squeaks carried on for a while. Finally, she interrupted. "Thanks for the update but I don't know what Cyril and Ace's enemy Dr Evil have got to do with—" More squeaks. "Are you sure? I'm gonna be—" The squeaks actually got louder, something Ace hadn't thought possible. "Ace is an old freind, Ralph! Why else would…" Suddenly, Melissa looked at Ace. "Hold on, Ralph, I think I just figured this out." She covered the receiver with one hand.

"You don't, by any chance, know a guy called Dr Evil now, would you, Ace?" Melissa asked Ace.

"Know him?" Ace asked. "He's my worst enemy, Melissa!"