(The Pittsburgh Penguins beat the NY Rangers 2-0.)

(Ralph is sitting alone in the kitchen.)

Ralph (talking to himself): "Boy, how could those Rangers lose again to those PENGUINS? THe Rangers are better than this. Boy, I just hpe that the Rangers can come back and win this series because right now, they are halfway done."

(Ed comes down.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph! I just watched the game. How sad."

Ralph: "Yeah, the Rangers lose."

Ed: "No, I was talking about Trixie saying that I had to go to her mother's with her."

Ralph: "When the Penguins come here to New York, we got to show them how faithful we are to the Rangers."

Ed: "Yeah. How about if the Rangers win the series, we go into their locker room and share some champagne with them?"

Ralph: "Norton, we can't do that."

Ed: "Yeah, we will probably break our legs on to the ice or maybe you will crack the ice."

Ralph: "Norton, you are a nut. How are the Rangers going to come back?"

Ed: "Come on, it's time to smile."

Ralph: "What do I have to smile about?"

Ed: "It's easy to smile when things are good, but now it's a challenge. Come on Ralph, let me see the smile there. Come on."

(Ralph smiles.)

Ed: "Beautiful. Beautiful. Now, think of happier times. Think of yesterday before the Rangers were behind 2 games to 0 and were halfway to being eliminated. You got to smile. Smile."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GEEEEET OUT!"

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: "'You got to smile.'"

(Jackie Gleason walks out on stage. The audience applauds.)

Jackie (yells): "GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience continues to applaud.)

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "Norton, you play gin rummy your way and I will play gin rummy my way. My way is the scientific way - it takes a lot of figuring. For instance, I noticed that you picked up a queen, and I know you picked it up to make a run of three queens. I also know that you have a run of clubs. I also noticed that you threw away two sevens. Therefore, you couldn't possibly use the card I'm about to throw down which is a seven of spades. That's scientific figuring!"

Ed (showing his cards): "That's ever-lovin' gin!"

"Box Top Kid Part 1":

(Ralph is trying to participate in a contest where you have to guess the name of a U.S. President.)

Ralph: "There is a picutre of a woman washing and there's a picture of a ton."

Ed: "I know who it is. Eisnehower."

Ralph: "Eisenhower?"

Ed: "There's a picture of a woman washing and there's a picture of a ton. Washington. Who's in Washington right now? Eisenhower."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had on the bus?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "Well, in most of them, the criminals got nothing."

Alice: "The sixth time was a dozzy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose one bus, you got to hold it over my head."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "You don't know how to handle money."

Alice: "Of course not. I never had any practice."

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

(Ed just explained the whacky rules of a card game called Knuckle-Knuckle.)

Ed: "The important thing about this game is that all the wet cards are wild."

Ralph: "All the wet cards are wild? What wet cards?"

Ed: "Well, we usually play this game down in the sewer."

"Stand-In For Murder Part 1":

(Nick and another man see Ralph so they can get him a job in which he will be killed.)

Ralph: "I have been driving for the Gotham Bus Company for 14 years and I hate to leave that job if this job wasn't steady."

Nick: "Steady?"

Man: "I'll tell you, you will have this job for as long as you live."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD?
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-
OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Jackie Gleason is down at that fun and sun capital of the world."

Ed: "What is he doing down at Perth Amboy?"

"Paris' Poor People":

Ralph: "If I were you, I wouldn't go out in the month of May."

Ed: "Why?"

Ralph: "Because that is when they gather nuts."