"This Is Your Life Part 2":

Phil Cucco: "Too bad there aren't enough Alices to go around."

Ralph: "This one gets around pretty good."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "'one hand washes the other while both hands wash the face.'"

Ed: "Never mind that. Just get me the water. I know how to wash."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I didn't empty out your garbage can because it was half-full. When it's full-full, then I will take it down. That way, I make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here - save a trip there. It all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "If you write music, you can write any kind of music."

Ed: "Oh yeah? Name me one rhumba that Beethoven wrote."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "I have to get up early in the moring too and you don't hear me complaining and I have got responsibilities. If I fall asleep, I am liable to run into something."

Ed: "If I fall asleep, I am liable to drown."

"Poor People of Paris":

Ralph: "If I were you, I wouldn't go out in the month of May."

Ed: "Why?"

Ralph: "Because that is when they gather nuts."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "We have something that is more valuable than all of what your brother and his wife put together."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "Our love. Now shut up!"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny that I am going to put you in my act. I am going to call the act 'Punch & Judy' and you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ed: "How about a kiss Trixie?"

Trixie: "I'm too tired."

Ed: "How do you like that? I worked in the sewer all day and she's tired."