"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Trixie: "Hey, I have to go downtown shopping tomorrow. There's a big sale on shorts. Norton can use some."

Alice: "So can Ralph. What sizes are available?"

Trixie: "All sizes 32 to 50."

Alice: "No, nothing there for Ralph."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I am making a list of all my weak points."

Ed: "Oh, is that all the paper you are going to use?"

"The Safety Award":

(The girls have on the same dress.)

Ralph: "Don't those dresses look alike?"

Ed: "Alike? They are like the Bobsie Twins."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "I want you to know Alice that it was pretty lonley around here without you."

Trixie: "Oh Ed, why can't you talk to me like that?"

Ed: "I will be happy too if you only go away every once in a while."

"Expectant Father":

Ralph: "I have fought for everything in this room. Fight! Fight! Fight!"

(Ed looks around.)

Ed: "Looks like you lost a lot of them fights."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph (yells): "I AM NOT MISSING THE YEAR'S BIGGEST FIGHT."

Alice (yells): "LISTEN HERE, YOU WALK OUT OF THAT DOOR AND YOU WILL BE IN THE YEAR'S BIGGEST FIGHT."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ed: "Ralph, there is a splinter on this bench."

Ralph: "Stay there."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ed: "Ralph, you don't look more than 10 years older than that sailor. Hey
kid! How old are you?"

Sailor: "I'm 43."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "I am the anchorman."

Alice: "Of what? The Queen Mary?"

Now on for my skit:

(The Kramdens & Nortons have just watched the ball drop in Times Square on TV.)

All (yell): “HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!”

(Everyone sings: “To All Acquaintance Be Forgot.”)

Ralph: “Boy, I hope 2008 will be a good year, huh Alice?”

Alice: ‘Yes, I do.”

Ed: “Yeah, I have a feeling that 2008 will be. Every even year always makes good years.”

Ralph: “Why do you think that?”

Ed: “Because it makes everything more even.”

Ralph: “You are ready for Bellevue pal.”

Ed: “Boy, I hope 2008 doesn’t bring any unnecessary rain. That is more wading for me on the job.”

(Harvey comes in.)

Ralph (yells): “HARVEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?”

Harvey (yells): “I AM A NEW MAMBER. I JUST ENROLLED TODAY. I COULDN’T MAKE IT TO SEE THE BALL DROP APPARANTLY.”

Ralph: “Harvey, you are lucky that one of my New Year’s Resolutions is to never argue, yell or fight anyone anymore.”

Harvey: “How long are you going to keep that resolution Ralph? Two hours?”

Ed: “No, he plans on keeping it all year. He has got stamina.”

Harvey: “Stamina? Ha ha ha ha ha ha.”

Ralph (whispering): “I will not fight him. I will not fight him.”

Harvey: “Good thing that you won’t fight me Ralph. You will get a heart attack.”

(Ralph fights Harvey as everyone tries to separate them.)

Ed: “I guess Ralph that you didn’t have the stamina to stick to your resolution, huh?”

(Ralph now wants to fight Ed too. Everyone tries to separate them.)

(Jackie Gleason comes out. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: “HAPPY NEW YEAR! OH, HOW SWEET IT IS.”

(Everyone cheers.)

Jackie: “First, let’s introduce the guests. First, Ryan Seacrest.”

(Ryan comes out and shakes Jackie’s hand.)

Jackie: “America’s Oldest Teenager, Dick Clark.”

(Dick comes out and shakes Gleason’s hand.)

Jackie: “Jean Kean.”

(Jean comes out and kisses Gleason.)

Jackie: “Audrey Meadows.”

(Audrey comes out and kisses Gleason.)

Jackie: “Art Carney.”

(Art comes out and shakes Gleason’s hand.)

Jackie: “As usual, the Miami Beach audiences are the best. Good night!”