"Expectant Dad":

Ed: "When my son graduates from college and is ready to face the
world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Well certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "Alice is going to an obstertrician."

Ed: "Good for her. It's about time that she gets that bunion removed."

"The Prowler":

Ed: "There is a prowler loose in the building. You better pile some furniture up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"Raffitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "When he realizes who idea it was to make the collection to get a gift, who do you think is going to get the promotion?"

Ed: "The guy who she is marrying, who else?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell him how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "I was driving my bus. He was going to walk across the street and then I stopped for a red light. If I gone through the light, I might have hit him. I saved his life."

Ed: "You didn't save his life, you saved your bus."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Maybe we can Gleason to come if we say it is for charity."

Alice: "What charity is this?"

Ed: "Well, see we need a new pool table and when we get the money, we will give the pool table to the settlement house if they have enough money for it."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Why can't you get behind me?"

Alice: "It's not my fault Ralph. It's just that there is not enough room back there."

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Mr. Kramden?"

Ed: "I'm as close as anybody can get to Ralph Kramden."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ralph: "After tonight, I might have my own pool table in my apartment."

Ed: "If you do, you will probably have to stand on the sink to make a shot."

Now on for my skit:

(To catch you up to speed, the Kramdens & Nortons along with family members and Raccoons are in Miami Beach. Ralph has invited a mystery clebrity guest to sing for them. Ralph has just introduced her and her name is...)

(Celine Dion along with her band and husband. Audience applauds loudly. Ralph is in a state of shock.)

Celine: "Hello Mr. Kramden."

Ralph: "Huminahuminahuminahumina!"

Celine: "Thank you for asking me by mail to sing in front of everyone. Is there anything wrong Mr. Kramden."

Ed: "Na, that is his way of remaining calm and cool. Hey, I listen to your music everyday on the job. The only thing is when the tide comes, it washes out the radio."

(Ralph elbows Ed.)

Ralph: "Thank you Mrs. Dion. I see you rbought your manager/husband with you."

Celine: "Yes, I did. In honor of the hoilday season, I got a great song to sing. Would you like me to sing it?"

Everyone (yells): "YEAH!"

Celine: "Okay."

(Everyone of the band members sets themselves at their posts.)

Celine: "I call this song: 'Christmas Eve.'"

(Music plays.)

Celine (sings): "Snow falling gently on the ground
'Tis is the night before
And in my heart there is no doubt
That this is gonna be
The brightest holiday
'Cause here you are with me
Baby, baby, I can't wait
To spend this special time of year with someone who
Makes me feel the special way that you do
Walkin' with you in a winter's snow
Kissin' underneath the mistletoe
People smiling everywhere we go
It's Christmas Eve and they can see we're in love
Ooh, you make the season bright
With the lights reflecting in your eyes
All my dreams are comin' true tonight
It's Christmas Eve and I can see we're in love
We'll stay up late tonight
Decorate the tree
Just look into my eyes
And I will tell you truthfully
That I don't need no Santa Claus
To hear my Christmas wish
I got you in my arms
And what could be a better gift
Than to spend my very favorite time of year
With the one I really love so near, Oh Yeeeaahhh
Walkin' with you in a winter's snow
Kissin' underneath the mistletoe
People smiling everywhere we go
It's Christmas Eve and they can see we're in love
Ooh, you make the season bright
With the lights reflecting in your eyes
All my dreams are comin' true tonight
It's Christmas Eve and I can see we're in love
And the bells are ringing when I hear you say
We'll do it all again on Christmas Day
I can't wait
Walkin' with you in a winter's snow
Kissin' underneath the mistletoe
People smiling everywhere we go
It's Christmas Eve and they can see we're in love
Ooh, you make the season bright
With the lights reflecting in your eyes
All my dreams are comin' true tonight
It's Christmas Eve and I can see we're in love
Walkin' with you in a winter's snow
Kissin' underneath the mistletoe
People smiling everywhere we go
It's Christmas Eve and I can see we're in love
Ooh, you make the season bright
With the lights reflecting in your eyes
All my dreams are comin' true tonight
It's Christmas Eve and I can see we're in love

(Frank's note: To hear the rest of the lyrics, here's the link: "http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWux1kHxWXw."

(Everyone applauds after the song is over. It's 12am. Christmas Day. Everyone is exchanging gifts.)

Alice: "Oh Ralph! It's beautiful."

(Celine walks by.)

Celine: "What did he give you?"

Ralph: "Oh, I gave her something that she loves. it's an orange juice squeezer. You see, you squeeze the orange on Napolean's head and the juice squirts out of his ears."

(Ralph opens his gift.)

Ralph: "Wow! Just what I always wanted. A Tie-vo (Tivo)."

Alice: "It's a Tivo."

Ralph: "That's great that it's that too."

Ed: "Gee, thank you Trixie for this wonderful gift. A genuine surfboard for the sewerworkers annual aqaucade in the spring."

Trixie: "I love your gift Ed. A teddy bear."

Ralph: "You know girls. Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up - red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas'. Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home - you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place you’re going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"

(Everyone hugs their spouses.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage as the audience applauds.)

Jackie: "How sweet it is."

(Audience cheers loudly as Jackie drinks his "coffee.")

Jakcie: "I will say this about Celine, she's the good one. How about I introduce our cast. First: Jean Kean."

(Audience cheers as Jean Kean comes out and kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."

(Audience cheers as Audrey comes out and kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: "Art Carney."

(Audience cheers as Art comes out and shakes Jackie's hand.)

Jackie: "And for our special guests, Celine Dion and her husband René Angélil."

(Celine and her husband come out.)

Jackie: "Wait a second. In honor of the Christmas season, all of us should sing: 'Silent Night.' So, Mr. Spear if you please."

(Sammy Spear plays silent night.)

Everyone (sings): Silent night, holy night!
All is calm, all is bright.
Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child.
Holy infant so tender and mild,
Sleep in heavenly peace,
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Silent night, holy night!
Shepherds quake at the sight.
Glories stream from heaven afar
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia,
Christ the Savior is born!
Christ the Savior is born.
Silent night, holy night!
Son of God love's pure light.
Radiant beams from Thy holy face
With dawn of redeeming grace,
Jesus Lord, at Thy birth.
Jesus Lord, at Thy birth.

(They finish up the rest of the song. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Wait a minute. Celine has something to say."

Celine: "I agree with Jackie. The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST."

Jackie: "She is right. The Miami Beach audiences are the GREATEST. MERRY CHRISTMAS AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! HO HO HO!"

(Audience cheers.)

Credit goes to christmascarols.com & completealbumlyrics.com.