I've seen these threads on other boards here, so I thought I'd try it for TMTMS. Feel free to add to this list:

If Mary says she's throwing a party, DON'T go. It's sure to be a disaster. (Prob. the #1 lesson of the show! LOL)

Never go to a parade dressed as a peanut, esp. if there are elephants present!

Never let Phyllis near your souffle, esp. if she's angry.

I'll try to think of more, but that's all I've got for now.

- Kristen

Don't go out with a short guy...you'll slip and introduce him as "shrimp"!! :eek: :rofl:

Never loan money to Ted.

If you do, don't expect him to ever pay you back.

Chocolate Souffles, are poor and little, and never do anyone any harm.

If you're going to have an affair with a Scandanavian man, make sure you don't have a Happy Homemaking TV show.

Idiotic anchorpersons can be annoying.

It is very cool and funny watching someone like Mary Richards tell an overbearing and stupid person (Ted) to shut up ON THE AIR.

Don't moonlight as a taxi driver, or your wife will think you're have an affair.

The best husbands are those who think their wives have the best caboose.

If you have a pushy overbearing mother, even the bitter Minnesota cold will not prevent her from sending a brisket. Or an unwelcome house call.

Female news producers often give really bad parties.

Female news producers also like to talk to their house plants, and are often overheard by their best friend neighbors.

Make sure your date DOESN'T have a wife before inviting him to a dinner party.

An apartment is not a home without a big gold "M" on the wall.

Veal Prince Orlaff doesn't taste nearly as good reheated - you may as well throw it out and make a new one!!

Make sure you have a lot of pencils your first day of work - if you're bored, you can break off all the tips and re-sharpen them!!

Prospective employers hate spunk!

Never dress up as a peanut in front of a rogue elephant.

Never have idiot anchorpersons near celebrities.

Some happy homemakers are very happy to make a man happy.

Brisket bearing mothers will not be kept away by bitter Minnesota cold.

Pushy passive-aggressive Scandavian landladies will be politely, but firmly, told to shove it. And they will be told this by New York transplants who know how to make Dept. store windows look fierce.

Bald men often get crushes on perky associates.

:rofl: those were great, everyone!!! :clap

-No matter how incompetent he is, the anchorman will be the last person fired in the newsroom

-Every "knock Knock" joke, no matter how improbable, will find a punchline.....eventually

-Newswriters have their desks right beside that of their producer! :lol:

-Women with their own homemaker shows can walk right into the newsroom, any time of day

-Mothers who let their daughter call them by their first name are quite neurotic, but, the daughter will be wise beyond her years!

-Funerals are a great way to let out tensions, with a good laugh! ;)

No other apartment you live in will EVER be as cool as your first one.

Mary Richards and Ann Romano (One Day at a Time) share a mom!! :eek: (Nanette Fabray played both roles.)

Bring a big can of mace with you if you are going to be anywhere near Howard Arnell. :eek: :lol:

Always make sure to tell your guests that all you're serving is DRINKS, not dinner, lest everyone arrives starving.

Mothers really hate it when their daughters call their enemy "Aunt Rhoda". :lol:

NEVER get between Ted and his mirror. :lol:

Bring a set of earplugs and/or a pillow every time Ted utters the sentence, "It all started in a 5,000 watt radio station in Fresno, CA..." :lol:

RUN, don't walk, away whenever Howard Arnell is around. :lol:

If you're offered a job to work in an audio booth with an engineer named Tiny, decline.

Ex swimmers make lousy sportscasters.

If everyone in your department gets fired, grab the kleenex before the group hug.

If you can't win a Teddy on your (ahem) talent, you can always buy one! (Ted)

If you can work with Ted, you can put up with ANY co-worker! (Lou, Murray and Mary)

Always make sure you fix up Lou with the YOUNGER Mrs. Dudley! (Mary)

If there is something you don't want anyone to know, don't tell ANYONE. (Remember when Mary had told Rhoda she (Mary) didn't finish college, and Rhoda told Lou. Yowee!

If your boss ever asks you to throw out the Obselete Clippings file, make sure you don't grab the Obituraries file by mistake. LOL

Before you ask a man to dinner, find out if he's married.

Don't join a club for divorced people if you're not divorced.

Those are all fantastic. :rofl: Keep them coming!!

Even Mary can have a bad hair day. (when she goes to the awards)

If your best friends apartment catches fire, she'll move in and wear all your brand new outfits. (Rhoda)

Keep away from anyone named Sparky or Twinks.

A good line to use on the ladies is "Wanna Split ?"

Keep chocolate mix away from Phyllis...she'll go buckwild if pissed off.

Weather men going from being weathermen to firemen to foremen. LOL.

You can always adopt a kid that is a foreigner or a genius.

Writers and sportscasters marry blonde headed soft-spoken wives.

News casters need hooked on phonics.
Happy hour is in the producer's office, not the saloon.

I want to go to Europe next year, so I will marry tommorrow and divorce so I can join a divorce club headed by a dentist so I can charter an international flight.

If you feel threatened by your best friend's friendship with her other best friend, just treat the other best friend like crap to be noticed. (example: forget to pick her up on her wedding day)

Married writers just can't be happy with their own wives. They want to love their female producers from afar.

You can play connect the dots with your wife's freckles.

Police officers become bad chefs in Arizona with self-owned diners named after them.

Lars Lindstrom is turned on by agressive women whether they be scatterbrained, self-absorbed neurotics or man hungry homemakers.

Both of your best friends can move out of state without any farewell episodes.

1) once a feeb, always a feeb

2) when in debt to ted, always go double or nothing (yideko kawasaki)

3) don't ever let any coworker know you could work for him on christmas

Never let Ted do election night coverage if there's a chance of snow. It could be a LONG night!

Don't invite a pregnant woman to your dinner party unless you're sure you know what to do in case she goes into labor.

Don't invite a stupid person to play poker with you. He just might get lucky.

People in singles' bars do NOT want to be on television.

Beware of amorous IRS agents.

Never "deliver" anything given to you by a Mexican waiter.

Mom's idea of becoming your "best friend" is wearing matching outfits.

Never date a governor's assistant - he'll never have any time for you and you'll (literally) never see him!

Never encourage Ted to run for office.