If you are going to buy a new hat behind your husband's back...don't have the hat delivered to your apartment. You pick it up yourself.

When you sell a washing machine, don't sell it to your friends no matter HOW MUCH THEY BEG!

No, you won't fool kids into thinking you are Superman by wearing snow boots, boxer shorts, a helmet and running around real fast, no matter how much you load them up on cake and ice cream.

If you need money, don't babysit!

Never sell your old furniture and try and hide the new furniture in the kitchen.

Don't redecorate your friend's apartment or re-upholster their furniture.

Don't hire a maid who eats more than 3 pack mules and 2 horses combined.

Loving Cups do not make good hats.

If you do lots of daffy things, make sure you have good reasons to 'splain them.

25 lb cheeses can not be easily disguised as babies.

If you want to let your husband know you're pregnant, get him to sing a song to you.

Don't pull the Emergency Cord on a train.

Never dance with eggs in your pockets.

Don't pretend to be a wicked city woman, it could backfire on you. lol!

Cook 4lbs of rice per person if you want to play slip and slide in the kitchen.

Throw a champagne bottle across the living room and probably no one will notice.

If you have a friend named Carolyn, call her Lillian once every 5 or 6 visits.

If your new next-door neighbor turns out the be the same man who hosted a quiz show you were on, a police sergeant who booked you, a talent scout who signed you up, a train conductor whose watch you busted, and customs inspector who didn't believe you could eat 25 pounds of cheese... then don't sass his wife or he will push your husband into a roseBUSH.

If you friends dishes are on your tablecloth, just pull the tablecloth away.

If you marry a Cuban, make sure he doesn't have an Uncle named Alberto.

Carmen Miranda IS NOT Cuban.

You can fill your small apartment with small elephants, chickens and all sorts of toys.

WARNING: Cigarette smoking causes lung cancer, emphysema, shortness of breath, and may set your nose on fire.

-Richard Widmark had grapefruit trees in his backyard.

-Stealing concrete footprints isnt as hard as it looks

-Your landlord will do ANYTHING for you, even if it makes her look like an idiot

-Nightclub entertainers in NY live at lower middle class level! :lol:

-when you least expect it, the biggest names in show business will show up at your door :rolleyes:

Furnace pipes are great for hearing the latest GOSSIP!

Cook 4lbs of rice per person if you want to play slip and slide in the kitchen.

Throw a champagne bottle across the living room and probably no one will notice.
:lol: Kazza, you'll never get over that one.

If you go on a quiz show and you think you have the answers, listen to the question anyway.

Always keep a picture of your wife ON YOU, so that way, if she's disguised, you'll still recognize her. And keep an eye out for black wigs too.

Ethel is psychopathic.

Ethel is psychopathic.

Find out all you can about someone's loved ones before contacting them in the spirit world.

If you're goin on a bicycle trip, MAKE SURE YOUR PASSPORT IS WITH YOU, so that you're husband and bestfriends dont have to go all the way to and from their hotel to find it in a trunk, or a jacket or your napsak in the next country just a few feet ahead of you.