(American Life TV):

TV-G

All times are Eastern.

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Shelia MacRae as Alice Kramden. Jean Kean as Trixie Norton.

All episodes are one hour.

Sat. Sep. 8, 2007 7p #7 - "You're in the Picture": Blackmailers fake a hanky-panky photo of Ralph in Madrid, and for once, Alice is jealous. (VCR Plus Code: 7773.)

Sun. Sep. 9, 2007 7p #8 - "We Spy": Ralph and Ed wander onto a Russian firing range while visiting Germany and are mistaken for spies. (VCR Plus Code: 9511.)

Sat. Sep. 15, 2007 7p #9 - "Petticoat Jungle": The Kramdens & Nortons go on a safari. The men go hunting -- Ralph kills a rabbit, Ed kills an elephant. (VCR Plus Code: NA.)

Sun. Sep. 16, 2007 7p #10 – “Run Santa Run”: Ralph doesn't know that Alice has taken in knitting to pay for his Christmas present, so when he discovers baby things in the apartment he assumes Alice is pregnant. He takes on a job as a sidewalk Santa with Norton as his helper. They are both arrested as operatives in a bookmaking operation. (VCR Plus Code: NA.)


"TV or Not TV":

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to get his job back for him Alice. Tomorrow, I am going to go down that sewer tomorrow and speak to Ed's boss. there isn't anything in this world that is going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you can fit through."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddlers-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Did you see Dynamite wallop that cigarette machine?"

Ed: "Good thing it wasn't a Pepsi-Cola machine or we would all drown."

"The Next Champ":

(Ralph just became Dynamite's manager.)

Ralph: "This is a historical spot. Right here they are going to have a sign. Do you know what it is going to say?"

Ed: "Yeah: 'Cigarette machine is out of order.'"

"Six Months To Live":

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"You're In The Picture":

(Ralph is dressed as a matador while Ed has bulls horns. Ed is warming up.)

Ralph (yells): "COME ON!"

Ed (yells): "I'M WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN!"

(Ed charges like a bull and misses Ralph. Ed then decides to stick the
horns in Ralph's backside.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHH!"

Credit goes to tvguide.com, honeymooners.net, goodtv.com & Yahoo! Groups You're A Riot!