"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut out bowling? It's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need something to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"A Man's Pride":

Ralph: "I am going to learn from here on in how to swallow my pride."

Ed: "That shouldn't be too hard. You have learned how to swallow everything else."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ed: "How about a kiss Trix?"

Trixie: "I am too tired."

Ed: "I work in the sewer all day and SHE is tired."

Trixie: "That is another reason."

"Quiz Show":

Ralph: "I had six years of schooling."

Alice: "And I had eight years."

Ralph: "Well, some people learn faster than others."

"Quiz Show":

Alice: "Your brother is the stupidest person I have ever seen."

Ralph (yells): "HOW CAN YOU LOOK AT ME AND SAY THAT?"

"Checkup":

Ed: "Was there ever something that you wanted to look insode that didn't belong to you?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Before I started eating delicious Flakey Wakey, I weighed 250
pounds. I now weigh..."

Ed: "260 pounds."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

Ralph: "This dog won a prize at MSG."

Ed: "So did Trixie. She used to wrestle there before we got married."

"Ship Of Fools":

(The photographer feels Alices leg.)

Ralph (yells): "HEY! HEY! HEY!"

Alice: "All he wants is a little chesse cake."

Ralph: "Why doesn't he go to a deli then?"