(The Cleveland Cavaliers beat the NJ Nets 87-85.)

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "The door is busted."

Alice: "Ed, don't be ridiculous. This is a dutch door."

Ed: "Boy those dutch people must be very short."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

(Ralph comes in looking all upset.)

Ed: "Well Ralph, what kind of day has it been today? Has it been a day like all others or one that illuminates our lives?"

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!"

"Without Reservations":

(Ralph and Ed are in the run-down hotel.)

Ralph: "Would you stop with the wisecracks Norton? When the girls get
here I wanna make a good impression!"

Ed: "If you wanna make a good impression, keep the door shut!"

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

(Ralph's boss made Ed Ralph's supervisor.)

Ralph: "It's not my pride."

Alice: "Well, your job is still the same."

Ralph: "Let's face it Alice. When Norton becomes my boss, I'm quitting."

Alice: "Why?"

Ralph: "I got my pride."

"Hot Tip":

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are wearing down at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. But not the people."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed comes out with a sailboat. Ralph wants to take a bath.)

Ralph: "You don't mean to tell me that you kept me waiting out here for 20 minutes while you were in there playing with a boat in the tub?"

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. This is a new boat. We were on the Shakedown Cruise!"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph and Mrs. Paterson think that Ed loves Alice but the feeling isn't matual.)

Mrs. Paterson: "Why don't you give your wife the benefit of a doubt?"

Ralph: "All right, maybe they don't love each other but if they do, they are going to have a lot of fun on the moon."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda
jerk!"

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Junk? Junk Junk? Just watch yourself Alice. This furniture was a wedding present from my grandfather."

Alice: "Yeah, to your grandmother."

Now on for my skit:

(The day after the game, Ralph & Ed are in the pool room. He is so upset.)

Ralph: "Oh boy! The Nets are in a real big hole now Norton. They are now faced with a 3-1 deficit. How can they overcome those odds?"

Ed: "By winning every game."

Ralph: "I know that. Those Nets really made those Cavs look like a million bucks. I can tell you, the LeBron looked tough but I am telling you, I can take him on in a fight."

(A little man comes by.)

Little Man: "Excuse me sir. Me and my friend were going to play here. We were all set. We were just going to get a beer."

Ralph: "Well, I hope it's cold. Now BEAT IT!"

Little Man: "If you shoot that ball, I am going to tell my friend LeBron."

Ralph: "Oooh, you are going tot ell your friend LeBron. Ha ha! He's going to tell LeBron. Listen, I can take him on in a fight. LeBron is such a funny name. Ha ha ha!"

(LeBron James enters. The crowd cheers and applauds.)

Ralph: "Now beat it and you too LeBron."

(Ralph's eyes light up. He is scared.)

Little Man: "He siad that he can beat you up and that you have a funny name."

LeBron James: "Oh, he did. Did he?"

Ed: "He also said that you guys can't compare with the Nets."

Ralph (yells): 'NORTON!"

LeBron: "You want take this outside? I can beat you up."

Ed: "He'll take you on. Won't you Ralph?"

Ralph: "NORTON!"

LeBron: "Okay! Let's go!"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT NORTON! FOR THE ONCE, I AM KICKING YOU OT AND LEAVING WITH YOU!"

(Ralph & Ed run away.)

LeBron: "Wow! I didn't think he could run. He has a BIIIG mouth."

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage.)

Jackie: "How sweet it is! Time for the cast. First, Art Carney!"

(Audience cheers as Art comes out and shakes Jack's hand.)

Jackie: "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. LeBron James."

(Audience cheers as LeBron comes on stage and shakes Gleason's hand.)

Jackie: "Folks, the Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!