"A Man's Pride":

Alice: "Why can't we go to the Colonade Room?"

Ralph: "Name me one truck driver who eats there?"

"Lawsuit":

Ralph: "I have to put some weight on my broken leg."

Ed: "You are just the boy that can do it."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are playing pinball.)

Ed: "You can still come up empty you know."

Ralph: "The only thing empty around here is your head."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "You want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary coundn't even drip out."

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down the street, there AIN'T no other side."

"King of The Castle":

(Alice & Trixie are in Trixie's apartment. From the hallway, Ralph is moaning.
Ralph is trying to play the sympathy routine. Alice is on it.)

Alice: "If I don't pay attention, the moan is going to come in spurts like this:
'Whoooa-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho!"

Ralph (from hallway, moans loudly): "WHOOOA-HO-HO-HO-HO! WHOOOA-HO-HO-HO-HO!"

"Confusion, Italian Style":

(Ralph is thinking that Alice is eeing a boy named Harry Vederchi because he
heard her on the phone talking to him and he thinks that is his name when she
said 'Arribaderchi.' Ralph tells her what is wrong with him.)

Ralph: "All right. Harry Vederchi."

Alice: "All right, good-bye."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ed helps Ralph rehearse. Ralph is in the bedroom waiting to get out.)

Ed (reading the script): "Hello there!" (not reading): "Testing. testing 1-2-3-4. Testing. Woof! Woof! Testing."

Ralph (opening the door): "Let's get going."

In honor of the King of Queens season finale coming up, I thought I would post this skit. You have to say that King of Queens and the Honeymooners are somewhat similar.

(Ralph is driving his bus with Ed as one of his passengers.)

Ralph: "Look over there. That guy who is drving that IPS truck is taking a long time to drive. He's lucky I have to stop right now to pick up an eldery man."

(Ralph stops. Arthur Spooner [played by Jerry Stiller] comes on.)

Arthur: "Hello fellows. I would like to ask your advice on something. Would you buy the screwdriver that I am about to manufacture? It's called an Arthur's Head Screwdriver. Arthur is my name."

Ed: "Ralph would love to buy one. He's as gullable as anyone."

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP NORTON!" (normally): "I'm sorry. I am not interested."

Arthur (yells): "IT FIGURES. YOU GUYS THINK YOU DON'T NEED HELP WHEN YOU DO!"

(Ralph rolls the eyes in the back of his head.)

Ralph (yells): "COME ON SLOWPOKE! YOU ARE TAKING UP TO MUCH TIME."

(Doug Heffernan [played by Kevin James].)

Doug (yells): "YOU SHUTTY!"

Ralph (yells): "YOU SHUTTY!"

Doug (yells): "I AM SORRY. I WASN'T PAYING ATTNETION."

Arthur (yells): "YOU BETTER BE DOUGLASSS."

(Ralph later on picks up Doug.)

Doug: "Sorry about that sir."

Ralph: "No problem."

Ed: "You should hear the arguements he has with his wife. The whole building can hear him."

Ralph: "Norton, do you want a fat lip?"

Doug: "My stop is the subway. I live in Queens. I am going to pick up my wife right at this stop."

(Ralph stops and Carrie Heffernan [played by Leah Remini] comes on.)

Carrie: "Hiya Doug and Dad!"

Ed: "Va-va-va-voom! You know something. You two have something in common with my firend Ralph and his wife. Two things. You both live in New York as far as stature goes, you look like each other."

Doug: "I think I know what you mean. Where do you work? I work for IPS. Like UPS, we ship packages. One time I had to ship a package that came from Miami Beach. It was a fake palm tree."

Ralph: "I would love to drive a bus down in Miami Beach. I heard that they have the GREATEST customers in the world."

(Audience cheers.)

Ed: "I work in the sewer."

Arthur: "You work in the sewer?" (yells): "WHY DON'T YOU GET A MUCH BETTER JOB? THAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH YOUNGER PEOPLE TODAY."

(Later on, Ralph picks up Alice & Trixie.)

Ed: "Hey Alice & Trixie. We just made some new friends. That is Doug & Carrie. This is Carrie's Dad Arthur."

Alice & Trixie: "Hello."

Carrie: "You two look nice."

Both: "Thank you."

Ralph: "Hey Doug, why don't you join our Raccoon Lodge? We have meetings every Friday."

Doug: "Thank you but those nights, I usually hang with my friends Deacon, Danny & Spence."

Ed: "They can come too. We welcome all members."

(Ralph stops the bus and Deacon, Danny & Spence come on.)

Spence: "Come on Danny. Just once, can we go that restaurant?"

Danny: "It's a GAY restaurant. No straight people go there that I know."

(Ralph drops them all off at their stop.)

Ralph: "Nice meeting you two. I hope we talk again."

Doug: "I hope so too. See ya."

(Ralph drives his bus away.)

Doug (to Carrie): "That guy is the greatest. I am probably as funny as he is. Then again, maybe not."

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage.)

Jackie: "How sweet it is! Folks, time to intrduce the cast. First the lady who played Carrie, Mrs. Leah Remini."

(Audience cheers as Leah comes on stage and shakes Jackie's hand.)

Jackie: "How about Jerry Stiller?"

(the audience applauds as Jerry comes on stage and shakes Gleason's hand.)

Jackie: "Mr. Victor Williams who played Deacon."

(Audeince applauds as Vic comes on stage and shakes Jack's hand.)

Jackie: "Patton Oswalt who played Spence."

(Patton comes on stage and shakes Jack's hand while the crowd applauds.)

Jackie: "Mr. Gary Valentine who played Danny."

(Gary walks on stage and shakes Jack's hand while the crowd applauds.)

Jackie: "Jean Kean."

(The crowd applauds as Jean comes on stage and kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."

(The crowd applauds as Aud comes on stage and kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: "ART CARNEY!"

(Art comes on stage and shakes Gleason's hand while the crowd applauds.)

Jackie: "How about a man who has looked up to me ever since he got into stand-up comedy? Give a great ovation for Kevin James."

(Kevin comes on stage and shakes Jack's hand as the crowd applauds.)

Kevin: "I have always looked up to you and I just want to say that you are the GREATEST!"

Jackie: "Thank you. I'm sure you will agree with me when I say that the Miami Beach audiences are the GREATEST in the world. GOOD NIGHT!"

(Crowd applauds.)