"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Ralph (yells): "WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK ALICE? WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK? I TOLD YOU THIS PLACE WILL LOOK BEAUTIFUL."

Alice (yells): "YOU MADE A MISTAKE. WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT IT RALPH?"

Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I MADE A MISTAKE. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME. GO AHEAD AND KILL ME."

Alice (yells): "DON'T TEMPT ME RALPH! DON'T TEMPT ME."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Doctor: "This is an aptitude test Mr. Kramden. You are supposed to take an object and fit it in its respective hole."

Ed: "Can three people play?"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "This furniture is good enough for me."

Alice: "Sure it is. But just because that you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friend’s hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electrocute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the car?"

Ed: "I can't get the car started."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I am a nobody."

Ed: "I could have told you that 10 years ago."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I will have less to eat. I will start losing weight. Then, do you know what I will look like?"

Alice: "Yeah, a human being."

Now on for my skit:

(Ralph & Alice arrive at Alice's parent house for Mother's Day. Ralph looks less than happy to be there.)

Alice: "Oh Mom! Happy Mother's Day!"

Alice's Mom: "Thank you darling! Hello Sonny."

Ralph: "Hello 'Mom' Happy Mother's Day."

Alice's Mom: "I will get Dad. He will be gald to see you."

(Alice's Mom leaves.)

Ralph: "Can we leave now? I can't stand to be around that BAT any more."

Alice: "Ralph, we are staying for dinner."

(Alice's paranets come out.)

Alice's Dad: "Hiya Ralph!"

Ralph: "Hello 'Dad.'"

Alice's Mom: "It's such a shame Alice. That you have never become a mother. The only one around here that looks pregnant is Ralph."

(Ralph slams his fist into his palm.)

Alice's Mom: "Oh, I would love to be a grandma just so I can take him or her to the playground and watch her Daddy crash his bus into a traffic light."

(Ralph slams his fist into his palm harder.)

Alice's Mom: "I would love that. I would tell them that their Daddy, for wahtever reason, became the World's SAFEST Bus Driver despite the fact that he has been held up six times on the bus and broke his leg twice in bus accidents that were COMPLETLY his fault."

(Ralph groans.)

Alice: "Ralph!"

Ralph: "I was just yawning."

Alice's Mom: "It sounded like feding time at the zoo."

Alice: "Mom, how are feeling? I know you had a sickness."

Alice's Mom: "I feel fine. I am better. The doctor says that I am in good health because I work out unlike Sonny Boy here."

(Ralph gets up.)

Ralph (yells): "YOU...ARE A BLAAAAAAAAAAAAABERMOUTH! A BLAB-ER-MOUTH. YOU BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABERMOUTH!"

Alice (yells): "RALPH, YOU APOLOGIZE TO HER THIS MINUTE!"

Alice's Dad: "Wait a minute. Both of you should apologize. Hon, you were way to mean to Ralph. Ralph was just behaving as good as he can until that outburst."

Alice's Mom: "All right. I'm sorry."

Ralph: "Me too. Let's all have a Happy Mother's Day! I hope me and Alice become parents sometime. After that, we might move to Miami Beach."

(Audience applauds.)

(They all sing a song about Mother's Day.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage.)

Jackie: "Friends, I would just like to say to all the Mom's out there as well as future Mom's, have a Happy Mother's Day. Once again, the Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"