"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Harvey just saw Ralph "KO" somebody.)

Harvey: "That is some punch you got there."

Ralph: "It wasn't anything. I hurt him with my bad hand."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "You know what Jackie Gleason gets. Maybe $50 to $100 a night."

Ed: "$50 to $100 a night?"

Ralph: "Yeah. Personally, I don't think he deserves it but that is what he gets."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph (to Alice): "By the way cupcake..."

Ed: "Yes Ralph."

Ralph: "She is cupcake. You're fruitcake."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"The Prowler":

Ed: "I came by to tell you to put some stuff up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Alice: "I'll go get a flashlight for you."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. Alice comes by the door. He comes back.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."

"Letter To The Boss":

(Ralph thinks that he has been fired. He lists all the jobs that are listed in the paper.)

Alice: "What is wrong with those jobs?"

Ralph: "Nothing except they are listed under: 'Help Wanted: Women!'"


(The Ottawa Senators beat the NJ Devils 2-0.)

(Ralph is upset and pacing up and down.)

Alice: "Ralph, are you upset that the Devils lost again?"

Ralph: "Yes, and to top it all off, I had to go out with your parents, so I missed the Devils losing."

Alice: "Well, Ralph that could have been a good thing."

Ralph: "The Devils losing?"

Alice: "No, the fact that you didn't see it."

Ralph: "Let's face facts Alice. The Devils are now down 2-1. They need to win the next three games, otherwise it's good-bye Cup again."

Alice: "No Ralph, you can't always get this upset when a local playoff team loses."

Ralph: "A lot you know about it."

(Ed comes down.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph. I guess you saw the dissappointing game huh? Let's just face facts. The Senators were a better team."

Ralph: "Now, they weren't Norton. The Devils and Rangers are the two best playoff temas out there. I guarantee you, we will see one of them vie for the Stanley Cup."

Ed: "Then, how come each of them is down 2 games to 1?"

Ralph: "Norton, would you like to get a fat lip? Now, we really got to support those teams, otherwise I will go on a diet."

Ed: "Then, I hope both teams lose."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

(Jackie Gleason comes on stage.)

Jackie: "As usual, the Miami Beach audiences are the best. GOOD NIGHT!"